~ FIQH OF LOVE ~
Nowadays, it's so hard to express love to people... it seems that love is a sinful act. People think that to feel love is harâm, but the truth is, it's not even in our hands, so how do we react to that? We often don't know how to react to it.
If we approach our parents with something like this, we may get told off. Then, when we grow up, we hear about people getting married every once in a while... we don't know what it means, but we participate, sing nasheeds and then leave. At the wedding, the conversations would be over extremely interesting issues.
One of the first books that Sh. Yaser had heard of was called, "The Ring of the Dove."
In that time, this book was a taboo. You weren't allowed to have it because of the way culture promoted that if you weren't getting married yet, there was no need to read it. Shaykh once saw the book at his University. He had to check first to make sure no one else was watching, and then he bought the book (but then he was hiding it, too.) He went through the whole book in one night, and in the end, he said "la ilaha il Allah,"
because SubhanAllah, he felt that we (and he) have lost SO much in our youth. (That is, if we don't know the REAL meaning of Love!) The book told the meaning of love, how to express it, how to preserve your chastity, how to be chaste, the right etiquette of loving someone, etc., etc., etc.
Why don't we hear bout love in our masâjid today? People like Ibn Qayyim, Ibn Jawzee, and Ibn Hazm all wrote about love. All humans have this natural passion, but when the scholars used to write about it, they were so respectful to the ayah's of the Qur'ân and hadith of RasulAllah salAllahu alayhi wassalam.
For some, the word "love"
means lust and desire. On the other hand, the conservative people think of Love of Allah and Messenger of Allah (salAllahu alayhi wassalam) when they think of "love."
Love is a universal language, in that everybody that has existed has felt the passion of love. People can smell love when it's in the air because they can see it in your face and hear it in your language, and even if one tries to hide it, it will eventually show through.
Al Bousseeri said in his poetry: "Does not the lover think that his love can be concealed? While his eyes are shedding tears and his heart is glowing, Had it not been for love, you would not have shed tears at the ruins (of your beloved), Nor would you become restless at the remembrance of the cypress (tree) at the high mountain, How do you deny love after the testimony, Borne against you by (such) reliable witnesses as your tears and your illness. Love indeed transforms pleasure into pain."
This class is for people who are interested in learning bout halâl love. Recently one brother came to him, and complained about his love life. Shaykh asked him, "Well, what do you do after you've had an argument with her?"
He said, "I just let her go, and then everything goes back to normal..."
Shaykh asked, "And you think this is a solution?"
The man replied, "Well it works." "This time take her chocolates."
The man was embarrassed; he replied, "Nooo, come on Shaykh, why should I do that? What difference will it make?"
Shaykh said, "Believe me, it'll make a difference - I'll even pay for you, just do it."
The next day, the man came back and he came to the Shaykh and said, "SubhanAllah! That made a lot of difference."
All people need is a change in techniques, which is completely halâl, and it'll change their relationships completely. The Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) gave us glad tidings that gatherings such as ours will be surrounded by angels.... that's why some people even fall asleep in them (). The angels are a mercy from Allah. This learning experience is just one path to Jannah - if people remember it that way, then they'll enjoy everything they learn.
Tips during the class:
* Avoid writing questions in debate form. Instead of saying, "you said, blah, blah, blah" say, "we learned…"
* Be general, because when we speak of marriage, there is also the issue of divorce. Don't bring your own specific problems, and just be general
* No questions regarding marriage counseling.
Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) said: "If you look for someone, look for someone who is religious."
Taqwa is the key to marriage.
The Faqeeh of Love:
Imam ibn Hazm Al-Andalusee
Ibn Hazm had sincerity in seeking knowledge, and his work is very unique.
The other face of the Imam
The life of the Imam
He was born on the last day of Ramadan in 384 A.H. or 994 A.D. in the eastern district of Cordova in Andalus, or Islamic Spain. He died in 456 A.H. and the book "Tawqul Hamaama" was his treatise.
Kurtuba was an Islamic state a long time ago. This is where Ibn Hazm grew up? One of the great scholars of Islam, Imam Dhahabi said beautiful words about Ibn Hazm, stating that he was the "fearless imam?"
He showed knowledge of the sciences, he was a man of letters, a law heading minister, and a perfect author. His people were Al-Hazmiyya. His family belonged to the ruling class of the Umayyad dynasty in Andalus, for which his father was a minister in the Umayyad court.
He had a sharp tongue against his opponents.
Imam Abu Muhammad Ali Ibn Ahmad Ibn Saeed Ibn Hazm Al-Andalusee Ibn Kutubi
The first to migrate to al Andalus was his great grandpa, Khala, from Persia. Ibn Hazm was therefore originally also Persian. His student's name was al-Humaydi because he was the translator of Ibn Hazm's book, "Tawqul Hamaama."
(427 A.H.- 1027) Ibn Hazm's ancestors belonged to a notable family. Because he was originally from Persia, he was never from Christian descent (Christianity was not followed in Persia.) During his youth, because of the increased political turmoil in Andalus, his father was arrested, and some of his wealth was confiscated. His father later died when he was only 18 years old, in the year 402 A.H.
Was the translator and student of Ibn Hazm called Al Humaydi?
The many different characters of Ibn Hazm
- The Minister:
His father was a high official in service of Al Hajim Al Mansur- regent of Islam of? The Umayyah's were the rulers of Spain at the time. At the time, the Khalifa was Hishaam II, a young boy. The city needed a form of government counsel that could preside until the Khalifa grew to a proper age. Ibn Hazm established a new city to move everyone, and he governed with all the responsibilities, except the actual title of the Khalifa (which he did not want to.) (Muhammad Ibn 'Ali Ammir, very powerful leader?) The Umayyah's recruited against the wishes of the al Ammiri's. During that age, Ibn Hazm himself was the leader. When the Umayyah's took over, a third tribe came in. The first time he was a minister was when he was 24 years old, and even then the Umayyah Khalifa was younger. He became a minister twice (actually, three times, but one of those times are disputable.) He was in exile after his "leader"
and friend, Al Murtadha, Abd Al Rahman Ibn Muhammad was assassinated by Ibn Hamud. It was during his exile that he wrote the book, "Tawqul Hamaama."
He came out of exile six years later, when he was 25 years old. His life was very difficult. The Umayyah's lost the central Khilaafah of all of Spain, with Banu Hamud as their enemies. Al Mu'tadhid Ibn Abaad from Seville (or Ishbiliyya) ordered for his books to be burned. Mu'tadhid Ibn Abaad was the leader of an independent principality. Leader of Kashmiriya, man called Kurtuba? At the end, he completely abandoned his hukm and went on to devote himself to literature and 'ilm.
Who was Muhammad Ibn Ali Ammir?
- The scholar:
Ibn Hazm was the encyclopedia of knowledge, with no doubt! One can find many of his books (covering all different fields of study) in any Islamic library. If you read any of his books in any field, you'll become an EXPERT! When he died, his son said they collected 400 volumes of his works in his own handwriting! Imam at Tabari was one of the scholars who had written more than him (he wrote about 60 pages a day!) Ibn Hazm wrote on sects and religion, sociology and psychology, and politics. Al Mu'tadhid and many others from the area disliked the fact that he did not follow the Maliki's (who were predominant in that area at the time), and so they burned his books. He ended up writing most of them again. He instead was a follower of the Dhaahiriya madhab.
On Sociology and Psychology: "Mudaawaat un-Nufus"~ "Treating and Healing Spirits" and "Al Akhlaaq was Seerah"~ "Manners and Tales"
On Politics: "Al Imaamatu was Siyaasa"~ "Leadership and Politics?"
- The Faqeeh:
Ibn Hazm grew up in a Maaliki environment. He adopted in another madhab, but created the awareness of the Shaa'fi madhab in his area. He also revived the Dhaahiriyah madhab. "Al eekhiyaam wal ehhkhiyaam."
He laid a foundation for his madhab, and he attacked blind following a lot. This is because the Arabic language carries its own meaning, which naturally does not need any interpretation, because the meaning is clear from the text itself. He also adhered to hadith to support his opinions which he got from the Qur'ân. He criticized? His master piece is, "AlMuhallaa fee Sharhil-Mujallaa bil-Hujaji wal-Aathaar."
About this book, Ibn Zabih said, "I did not see in all the books of knowledge anything like his book."
Al Mughnee by Ibn Qudaaama in addition, ad Dhahaabi said, "Sheikh Azadir is right, and the third is al Bayhaqi's book, 'As Sunnal Qudraa (an encyclopedia on hadith and fiqh?).'"
Ibn Abdul Barr was the writer of another encyclopedia called "At Tamheed" - ("the introduction or preface.") "Ash-Shaykh 'Izzuddeen bin 'AbdusSalaam, and he was one of the mujtahideen, said, 'I have not seen among the books of Islaamic knowledge like Ibn Hazm's Muhallaa and Shaikh Muwaffaquddeen's Al-Mughnee.' I say that Shaikh 'Izzuddeen is correct, and the third is Al-Bayhaqee's As-Sunan Al-Kabeer and the fourth Ibn 'Abdul-Barr's "At-Tamheed". So whoever obtains these works, and was among the the intelligent mufteen, and became addicted to reading and researching in these books, then he is the true scholar."
- The human being:
In the books he has written, it is as though he is speaking to the reader. The thoughts flowed directly from his mind to the paper. He had had much experience in all of the above roles, and he wrote his experiences for us, as if to say, "pay attention to what I'm telling you"
, because it was a form of instruction for his readers. His profound human nature is demonstrated in his books. In these, he summarizes the ways to happiness.
So, how can people gain happiness in everything in this life? By attaching themselves to the Aakhiraa. Ibn Hazm was a very honest and straight to the point kind of a person, and he used to get ulcers because of this. He would say, "I don't stand peoples stubbornness."
'The Passions' of the Imam
His memories were so profound in his mind that he would explicitly say his attractions to women and speak of his experiences and what to do and what to avoid if you'd like to do it the right way. He always loved blondes, as he mentions, "let me add a personal touch. In my youth I loved my slave girl who happened to be a blonde. From that time, I've never admired anything else but blonde. The… as splendid as the sun, oh, the very image as the beauty itself… or to love any type but that. The same thing happened to my father and he remained faithful to his first preference till his life on this earth was done."
Ibn Hazm was very fragile when it came to these issues. When he wrote of his experiences, you could feel him crying: "the love of soul is ever seeking for another, yearning to encounter it again, drawing it to itself as a magnet drives iron."
However, there is nothing to be found in his writings about his own wife.
Women in the life of Ibn Hazm:
"I have myself observed women and got to know their secrets to a sense almost unparalleled, for I was raised in their bosoms and brought up among them and not knowing any other society and I was not around men until I had gained my youth and my beard began to sprout."
In Spain, the best educators and teachers were women and that's why he was entrusted in the hands of women. People had full trust that women could raise ministers and scholars.
He had knowledge and experience, but because of this, he also knew all their secrets. He said, "they trained me in calligraphy… my only care and exercise has been to study the nature? off females; I have thus discovered not a? and am modest. I have never in my life met a woman who revealed the secret of a loving couple except that she was hated. I know of a wealthy woman who owned many slaves, and another who recited Qur'ân from end to end." (Meaning that he knew the ways and lives of many different women, and different types of women. "Women taught me Qur'an, poetry and calligraphy."
He love calligraphy because it was mental exercise.
The incomplete love story in the life of Ibn Hazm:
Ibn Hazm had a very unique love story. Once when he was 16, and then when he was 18, and then again later. SubhanAllah it is so unique and sweet and devastating because one will ask themselves, "Why didn't she just accept him?"
Ibn Hazm had very sincere passions for the girl he loved, and he wanted to do it the halâl way, but she was reluctant and stubborn. He gave every last detail, because when someone loves something, they know every little detail about it. (Chap 27 "Forgetting" has the whole love story in it.)
A critique of Ibn Hazm's: "The Ring of the Dove"
"I can tell you with regard to myself I enjoyed love of a slave girl who was 16, she had an extremely pretty face, sweetest disposition, she had a wonderful complexion which she always kept innocent of every vice… she kept her eyes modestly down… and (she was) charming in her withdrawal." Ibn Hazm was very much in love with her. As a believer, we'd love to have our mates fill the above descriptions, too. One time, when the ladies had come to visit, they all looked out the window at the bay. Ibn Hazm tried to approach the girl, and she kept moving away from him, until one lady told her to start playing the flute. "When she was playing the lute I felt she was beating my heart with it." At the end she changed completely, because of turmoil and chaos. I have never forgotten that day and nor shall I forget it till the day it comes for me to leave." (Chap 27 "Forgetting" has the whole love story in it.)
1. In most of his biographies, this book is forgotten, maybe because he was in a time of chaos, and maybe because it was a letter in response to a letter from a friend. He wrote it as a personal letter, and his friend sent it out for the public to read.
2. An estimate of when he finished the book is either 1027 A.D. or 417 A.H. There is a dispute as to why it wasn't listed.
3. What is the validity of this book to Ibn Hazm? Most people mentioned it in their books. Ibn Qayyim, and Ibn Jawziya's book, "The Garden of the Lovers"
mentions many quotes (and the author) of Tawqul Hamaama. Imam al Maqtaree mentioned this book in his book, "Nafhudt tee" or "The Fragrance of the Perfume."
4. Back then, they'd copy books by hand, and usually they'd write their signature, and the date, to say who wrote it, and when. In one of these books, the author says that it is basically a summary or a cultivation of the book, and removed some things out of it, and he maybe used his own words to change the meaning of the book. Some of the quotations from these authors mention that the original was larger, and that the present book is maybe only 2/3 of the actual size.
5. The title: "The Ring of the Dove
" basically is like a pigeon with the ring as the collar around it's neck. The rings are natural, and beautiful. Usually the Arabs use pigeons or doves (al Hamaama) in poetry about love or passion. They speak of images of these birds, so the title carries the meaning of love and passion and so on. Some scholars say he named it this because this book for lovers will be just like the ring of the dove, a symbolic meaning. Some say that "ring" means symbol of obedience - "if you tie someone (bond them,) it's like you put a ring around their necks."
All the signs and material Ibn Hazm mentioned naturally caused people to submit, because when people are in love, they submit to the feelings of love, intimacy and passion.
He was about 34 years old when he wrote the book, which means his memories were probably 15-20 years old. The book seems like a collection of personal memories and personal diaries. He tells of incidents that happened in his lifetime. This book is also a book of history because so many incidents in the history of Spain have been erased except through this book. For instance, the battles of Kurtuba. It can also be considered a book of psychology somehow, because it speaks of the psychological behavior of humans in a certain aspect (love). He explores the passions of men and women being in love. He tells us our weird feelings are feelings of love, and that we what we're experiencing is actually love. Because they lived in luxury at the time, with joyful lives, he also provided records for us of how the aristocrats of that time lived. The book can also be considered a collection of his poetry because he wrote different books about love, but this was the one that stood out most. Some say that he wasn't a very good poet because his language was so strong when he used it in poetry, it became like puzzles. He did have sweet poetry, too. Arab poets fall into different categories, of how soft or how eloquent their poetry is. But for him, it's like he was writing in stone (al asma'?). His book was a promotion for chastity and piety and at the end of this book, he designated two chapters specifically for piety, righteousness, etc. Even though love is something out of our control and out of their hands, we still need to observe Allah's Commandments while experiencing it. He divided his book into 30 powerful chapters under 4 main sections (Accidents of Love, Misfortunes of Love, Love Doesn't Last Forever, But You Can Maintain it.) (look up chapter divisions).
The Views of Ibn Hazm on Love
Sometimes love doesn't last forever, but you can maintain it.
1. Ibn Hazm was Dhaahiriy (of those who followed the literal meaning of the text). Usually, ahlul dahr had a philosophical meaning to love. He specifically was calling for the noble love (al hubbul udri?) - the passions that you have in your heart but you maintain your righteousness. He says in his book: "there are for the believers more important things to discuss than love..." because life is short so if we pursue love our whole lives, then what? We haven't prepared for tomorrow (the Day Of Judgment.)
2. Nature of love from his perspective: Of Love, May God exalt you! - The first part is jesting, and the last part is right earnestness. So majestic are its diverse aspects, they are too subtle to be described; their reality can only be apprehended by personal experience. Love is neither disapproved by Religion nor prohibited by the Law; for every heart is in God's hands. He gives his theory of love, which is that men have held diverse opinions, which they debate at great lengths: "(love is) a conjunction between divided souls that have become.... a union affected within the substance in a sublime element?" (Philosophical view)
The term is "love is in the air."
How do the two people meet? The soul of love is based on assimilation and similarity in characteristics which helps them get along in marriage. Every form always cries out for its corresponding form. They have to observe the equal or similar characteristics they have, so you have to see where two people are alike. This way, one person can bring up issues and speak to the other about issues they like. He says they should talk to each other and be with each other in their activities (if they like to attend lectures, etc.) - especially for ibaadah purposes. It could be that one is more religious than the other and they want you to participate, but the other is holding the other down. The non-religious person should try it out, because it will cause more enjoyment in their love.
In love, physical attraction is not very important, but sometimes, love starts through it. Physical attraction is not love itself, but it leads to love. If it was love, then nobody would be attracted to anyone at all (if it was based solely on physical appearances), so appearance really doesn't matter. Sometimes it's true, that love can come from a source outside the soul (like we have no choice in getting hungry, it's natural and it happens), it just comes from no where and a person can't choose in their loving. But, there is a difference from primary causes for love and love itself. You have a choice in lowering your gaze or to not go watch TV or bad things on the internet, but then when love hits your heart, you don't have a choice. You will never find two people in love without a likeness in natural attributes between them (and try to increase them, too). Make sure when you look for a suitable match, look for natural attributes you share, don't get hooked on the physical image, look for the moral images instead. Allaah created us Perfect, (from our creations) and people get attracted to perfection, that's why people are awed by beauty, because that's perfection, and people look for perfection everywhere. The first perfection we think of is physical perfection and we think that if a person is perfect on the outside, they'll be totally perfect in all senses. "Every heart is in Allah's hands." Why is love halâl? Because it's in Allah's hands.
"Love- may God exalt you! Is in truth a baffling ailment, and its remedy is in strict accord with the degree to which it is treated; it is a delightful malady, a most desirable sickness. (It's joyful even though it's painful) Whoever is free of it likes not to be immune, and whoever is struck down by it yearns not to recover. Love represents as glamorous that which a man formerly disdained, and renders easy for him that which he hitherto found hard; so that it even transforms established temperaments and inborn dispositions."
Sometimes you're in love (it's from Allah, as a test, but how do you react to it?) Love is all from Allah, and Shaitaan makes you think you're a hypocrite, but in actuality it's just a test.
About opposites attracting: sometimes they have the same effect of the similar characteristics. If you hold a ball of snow in your hand, it feels like the burn of fire. That extreme condition sometimes leads to the same effects as similarities. Opposites do attract one another and eventually they start to become "one".
Its very common: sometimes they fight because they love each other so much. In the book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"
, we learn that men need time to stretch out, or go away. When a band reaches its limit the only place it has it to go back (and with full strength and with quickness.) If she goes towards him, then it makes them weak (this theory works!*) Women, on the other hand, work like waves, she'll be in the best mood or and then she'll be in the worst of moods, etc. This theory is also expressed by Ibn Hazm (r.a.)
If someone is harsh, what kind of partner should they find? Wa Allahu 'Alam, maybe there are other characteristics that attract them to one another. Harshness usually doesn't attract people, usually it's other characteristics. We don't find people based on just anything, it should be based on shariah requirements.
'Jesting about Love' Introductions
"And among His signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts). Verily in that are signs for those who reflect."
(Ar Room 30:21)
"Mawaddatan wa rahmah"
- "mawaddah" means "mahabbah" (love) wa "rahmah" means "mercy"
could also be intimacy and love itself.
Shaykh Yaser's theory of Love: Why do people go to French for love? Maybe because of their language, and maybe because France is close to Spain. Real love was taken out from Muslim Spain, and the closest country to Spain was France. People say we can trace the roots of literature back to Muslim Spain, and the theory of love can also be found in the literature and poetry of Ibn Hazm.
Intro I: Islam and Love
The Messenger of Allah salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam speaking about his wife Khadija said: "Verily, I was filled with love for her."
Some people don't proudly say they love their spouse. Maybe women are afraid because other women would steal their husbands, and maybe men don't say so because it's a sign of weakness, but Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) showed and expressed his love for his wife, because he loved her so much.
Love: The definition
If we look it up, it's very interesting:
1. Love: as a noun - a strong positive emotion of regard or affection (for someone they love or something they love)
2. It is a passion, any object of warm affection or devotion; beloved, dear, loved one
3. Sexual love: lust and desire- love making
4. As a verb- a great affection and love for someone; to be in love with a person (with a spouse or in a harâm relationship)
5. The conclusion: a feeling of intense affection given freely and without restriction
Love exists in all people, either as a sensibility or as a passion. Attraction to women is a general meaning.
As a passion, it means: when strongly excited and exercised towards a certain individual.
If you aren't attracted to the opposite sex, then you're "sick" because He created us from two genders and He created love and affection between us. In our culture, they mix men and women, with hopes that "the passion will fade, etc." but that will never happen. Nowadays, people get attracted to people of same sex (it's harâm and forbidden, but it happens due to certain circumstances.)
(haa and baa)- for love
- degree in love, when people lose their sense of rationale
In the past, people related love to philosophy and they'd bring their own meanings to it. Another meaning of love is from Socrates. He says love is like a big genie that controls all the spirits of the loved ones, that's why people talk about cupid, etc. Some claim that love is the spirit that controls all spirits of people in love. They claim that it is "not perpetual but it's still mortal" and that "it is not wise, but not ignorant." (All philosophy)
Interpretations: love is a sickness, not a physical sickness, but a spiritual/psychological sickness, so it needs to be treated. Some say it's a natural instinct, and some say it's forbidden. There will be a great similitude between the European meaning of love and the time when Spaniard Muslims ruled. Sacrificial love, or intellectual love, is not something real <-- when you love Allah, you'll sacrifice much the same way, you'll do the same for your husband, this love is expressed by Sufi's amongst Muslims (and in Christians, they are Sufis and monks.)
2. The Nature of Love
What do Muslim scholars say about love?
Al Jaahel- the author of the following two books: Kitaabun Nisaa and Risaalatul Qiyaam (female singers of their time) brought up issues of ishq and hubb. For him, it was just an intellectual experience. He interpreted it as lust and said he was against it.
Ibn Qayyim- made a difference between hubb and ishq. He interpreted "hubb" as "love", and "ishq" as the condemned form of love (when someone goes beyond the natural limit of love, and they become so obsessed that they go to harâm measures to fulfill their desires or be close to those they love.)
Muhammad Ibn Abee Dawud an-Naysaaboori- author of Kitaab az-Zuhra fee Akhbaar bane Udrhra (al hubb ul udri udri is a very well known tribe for being in love, noble love.) When the people of this tribe are in love, they conceive it and don't' express it in a harâm way. In this book, he collected 100 qualities of Banu Udraa to show how they expressed their love for one another. "I carried the mountains of love because of you, even if I couldn't' carry my shirt… it's nothing but a sickness in the heart (or soul)."
Ibn Jawzee- almost all of the scholar share the same theory. They theorized that assimilation and being close in characteristics helps increase love. He lived in 11th century AD, or 6 A.H. He predicted that love would become a lot stronger if one kept looking at his loved one (look at your wife and husband). Love becomes stronger if you prolong your meetings. He said long conversations (a nice and intimate conversation), will be enjoyable. If you add to this attraction things like hugging etc then it becomes even stronger. Arabs say: "the eye is the wide gateway to the soul."
Ibnul Qayyim- Rawdatul Muhibbeen (The Garden of the Loved Ones) and Nuzhatul Mushtaaqeen.
He said that there are three pillars for love:
1) Attributes of the beloved one
The feelings and intentions of the loving person or affections of the loved ones happens by two things
Intention- optional, you choose to love them
Inclination- of the heart, this is not in your hand, but try to cause them to be attracted to you
The relationship which is the form of expressing ones feelings. (These things apply in the engagement period. If you're looking for yourself in khitbah... under supervision of the mahram, you should express these feelings.)
Using your eye- your sight or vision, but not in a harâm way. The Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) said: "if you are looking for medicine, you will never find it in something harâm." So, if you look in a haram way, so you'll create the opposite effect, and you'll lose interest instead. Nowadays, people look at divorcees as defected, but we should not have that bias (Islamically). This can be by the eye or the eye of the heart. If your mom comes to you and says we saw a girl, then you imagine her, you will get attracted to her image. That's why Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) forbade women to describe other women to one another. Men are attracted to descriptions because they imagine easily, so women should never do that, except for in cases of marriage or khitbah
Admiration- (istista?) it doesn't have to be about everything about them, but maybe just one thing you really like about them, like their physical beauty, or their knowledge, etc. If you can't find anything to admire, then wait for another chance (in a possible future spouse)
Obsession- to get obsessed, you look at them, you admire them, you develop that obsession, you always talk to yourself about them (that will build love in your heart),
Establishing commitment and building hope- if you don't work on that, you'll just be looking for harâm. We are all deceived by Shaitaan, and just plain harâm scoping will ruin your life completely. If you ever get in trouble with your spouse, then you'll remember and compare your spouse to previous people in your relationships. Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) did not recommend for the first time that someone marry a person with previous experience. USUALLY, if you marry a widow, she'll marry you for her children, not for you, because she might still mistrust you or mistrust Qadr (that her new husband may die, but that's kufr.) Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) recommended for Jaabir to look for a virgin. When you express your love for your spouse, you don't have to be totally expressive about loving them, just stick up for them, and let people know if you do.
when people get married they establish a contract, the spoken form, and they are married legally until the consummation of marriage. This means that they are Islamically married, they are entitled to inheritance if someone dies. A celibate marriage is broken when the couple is in complete privacy, even without consummation. The marriage contract is still the same as a regular marriage, but with the mutual agreement that they will not consummate the marriage (meaning that they cannot be in complete privacy, or as they don't consummate it with intercourse.) The Hanbal's say that consummation doesn't mean intercourse, it means anything.
3. The categories of Love
There are two main categories of love:
1. Natural love- natural affections and feeling of intense affection given freely without restriction
2. Rational love- sometimes this love becomes ibaadah. Sometimes ishq leads to shirk and disobedience (and that's why people say it's not allowed.) Some people love RasulAllah as much as Allah (but this is not allowed). All these people (like kids, family, wives and spouses) can be parallel in love, so long as they don't exceed the limit (in comparison to love for Allah.)
4. The signs of Love
As mentioned by Ibn Hazm:
1. The brooding gaze: when people open their eyes wide in love. (Once at the airport, he saw a teenage boy who held on to a big pole and kept crying ~ lol.)
2. Directing the conversation to a beloved one- you always talk to that one person, because you're in love, and when they speak, you pay attention.
3. You always hurry to where they are- to sit near them or be near them
4. You're taken aback by mentioning somebody/something similar to someone they love (the name, or style of dress). That's why Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) would get criticized if someone just said the name of Khadija (because he loved her so much.)
5. They get cheerful when place is narrow, and depressed when they are in a big place; narrow places allow them to be closer and wider areas place a larger distance between them
6. Tug of war, playfully, or helping out, and you enjoy it (ex: breaking plates~lol)
7. Concealed winking in presence of other people- if there are guests over, or something, he's just smiling or making subtle gestures, because she's there and watching, and he knows it. You have to be more precautions in a gathering, so you steal a touch or kiss from her
8. Wasting of the body: not eating, etc.
The ruling of Love in Islam
Love is not in our hands. What proves this is what Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) said when he used to distribute provision for his wives, he'd say, "O Allah, this is my distribution for what I have control of, but please don't hold me accountable for something I cannot control (his love for A'isha.)"
In the Qur'an, Allah says, "It has been adorned for mankind (esp. for men) the love for shahawaat (desires) from the women, (and vice versa)"
(Surah Al'Imran, 3: 14) In Ibn Qayyim's, al-Jawaab al-Kaafi, he says, "As for loving women, there is no blame on a person who has love for them. On the contrary, it is part of his perfection (as a human being) for Allah says, 'wa min ayaatihi an khalqa lakum min anfusakum azwaajal li taskunu ilayha wa ja'ala bainakum mawaddatuwn wa Rahmah'
(Quran, Surah ArRum.)" In Ibn Jawzee's book titled "Dhaamul Hawaa',
" he criticizes al ishq. He set a difference between the two types of love. He said that there are those who have kindness in their hearts, and then there are those who don't love (and their hearts are hard as rocks - "if you haven't loved passionately or known the meaning of desire then get up and eat hay for you are nothing but a donkey"
and "you and the hard rock are equal."
) Ibn Qayyim: "when we speak of rulings of love, we must describe two things. One is optional and one is not. The optional love is what leads to love (eyesight, association, etc.) and this is the love that you have to beware of (for it may lead to unlawful acts.) The non optional love, if it happens by the sudden look, or natural passions that develop, you cannot be blamed for it, but it's how you react to it that Allah will hold you to accountable for.
Stories of Love
- Predating Islamic era:
Arabs have always been portrayed as lustful people.
The stories of:
Antaraa wa Ablaa ~ Antaraa was born from a female slave. He had a cousin named Ablaa (who had a free father and mother) and the father of Antaraa was a free man, too. Antaraa always felt inferior because of his production from slavery, so to substitute for the inferiority complex, he became the best warrior and a role model for all the people. He had always wanted to marry his cousin, but his uncle didn't accept that. It took him some time until he proved himself, and he was asked once, "Where'd you gain this power and strength" so he replied, "I used to go to weakest guy, and beat him up so that the strong ones would feel intimidated." (lol)
Qays and Laila ~ Qays said, "Her love came to me before I even knew what love meant in my life… it met an empty heart, and it was confirmed (she completed his heart)… and what is love? (It is) nothing but a spark that was triggered by a look (al maha~ the deer,) which triggered this flame in my heart."
Jameel and Buthayna ~
Guthayr and 'Azza ~
- Islamic era
"And from our signs is that We have created for you mates from amongst yourselves."
"It has been adorned for people the love for shahawaat."
Ibn Maajah collected the following hadith: "Ibn Abaas (radi Allahu anhu) reported that a man came to the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) and said, 'We have an orphan girl under our custody. A poor man and a rich man have both courted her. She prefers the poor man, but we prefer the rich man. (What should we do?)" The Prophet (salAllahu alayhi wassalam) responded, "For those who like each other, nothing has proven as good as marriage."
In our society, people propose, but they're usually "not allowed to" unless they're doctors or lawyers or something of that status. (For people like that, they have to remember that *sometimes people lose their wallets* ~ a person won't always be rich with money, but they can be rich at heart.)
Because Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) trusted 'Amr bin al 'Aas, he assigned him to be the head of a military expedition. 'Amr thought maybe Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) loved him a lot (or the most), so he asked the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam), "Ya RasuAllah, man ahabbu ilan naasi ilaik?"
So, the Prophet replied, "A'isha."
'Amr replied, "No, from the men.
" And the Prophet replied, "Her father."
From this hadith, we see that he, the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) still attributed Abu Bakr to his beloved A'isha radi Allahu anhu. - (Bukhari/Muslim)
One time, the wives of the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) sent a complaint against A'isha (radi Allahu anhu) through their envoy Fatima (radi Allahu anhu.) They wondered why he loved her so much. When A'isha related the hadith, she said that Fatima entered the room when the Prophet and A'isha were lying together. Fatima complained and then the Prophet? said, "They're asking you to be the daughter of Ibn abi kuhaafa."
A'isha (r.a.) just stayed quiet. Then the Prophet asked, "Don't you love what I love?"
and Fatima replied, "Yes."
So he said, "Then just love her."
When the Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) would distribute between his wives, he'd say (to Allah), "Forgive me for what I don't have control over."
Imam Muhammad Ibn Shaab az Zuhri said, "The first love that was ever recognized and known is the love between Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) and A'isha (r.a.)"
Masrouq (a narrator) would refer to A'isha in the following way: "And on the authority of habibullah" (A'isha.)
In "The Ring of the Dove,"
Ibn Hazm said that someone said, "O ameer ul mu'mineen,… and I'm in love with her."
So the person replied, "It's not in your hand, what can I do for you?"
(The point is, love is not in our hands, but it's how we react to it that we need to be careful of.)
One time, a person who was excessively in love also died because his loved one died. Upon hearing this, Zaid Ibn Thaabit (head of committee in charge of compiling Qur'ân) performed salaatul janaaza for him, because he felt mercy for him.
What to gain from the hadith:
1. Love is natural and totally out of our control. If it is natural, Allah will not hold a person accountable for it, so long as they act appropriately.
2. The word "hubb" (meaning love) came in many narrations.
3. Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) explicitly showed preference to A'isha over his other wives.
He used to wait for her night, and towards the end of his lifetime, he'd ask every night "where will I go today."
When the wives figured out why he would continuously ask, they all reconciled and said, "O Messenger of Allah, (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) just stay at her house."
She was so happy that the last thing in his stomach was her saliva. During the time of his death, she would boast that, "His head lay between my chest and my chin."
One time, while some children were playing in the masjid, she stood behind him (with their cheeks touching) while she watched. And he'd ask, "Are you done?"
She'd say, "Not yet. Not yet"
until she finally said, "Okay I'm satisfied,"
and she just left. Later, she told him, "By Allah, I had no interest in watching those people, but I just wanted to touch your cheek."
Read what Ibn Hajr says about this hadith and you'll be amazed. When you live in a culture where this intimacy between married couples seems sinful, that's how people react. For example, one man came to him (Sh. Yaser) and said, "I don't believe you (that the hadith said those words)"
so Sh. told him, "It's in Bukhari"
and he even copied the hadith for him and he read it to him. The man still said, "I don't see it."
Scholarly works on Love
"Kitaab az-Zuhra fee Akhbaar bane Udrhra"
by Muhammad Ibn Abee Dawud an-Naysaaboori
("Criticizing al Hawaa") by Ibn Jawzee
by Ibn Qayyim
"Al Masoon fi Sirril Hawwal Maknun"
("The Protected/Preserved for You") by Ibrahim Ibn 'Ali as Hussari
Al Bousseeri said in his poetry: "Does not the lover think that his love can be concealed? While his eyes are shedding tears and his heart is glowing, Had it not been for love, you would not have shed tears at the ruins (of your beloved), Nor would you become restless at the remembrance of the cypress (tree) at the high mountain, How do you deny love after the testimony, Borne against you by (such) reliable witnesses as your tears and your illness."
Good intentions do not justify errors (you can't do something bad with a good intention)
Intro II: Falling in Love
The Messenger of Allah salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam was telling his uncle Al Abaas the story of Mugheeth and Bareerah, he said: "O Abbas! Isn't it amazing how much Mugheeth loves Bareerah and how much Bareerah loves/hates? Mugheeth?"
Bareerah was a female slave and A'isha was interested in buying her. She was married to Mugheer, and Ai'sha freed her (they were married in slavery); a free woman cannot marry a slave man, so after she became free, she had the choice to keep this marriage or to ask for the dissolvent of the marriage. She said, "Alhamdulillah, I'm tired of this marriage, I'm going to get out."
Mugheer loved her so much, sincerely and honestly. After she left him, he couldn't take it, so he went in public weeping, chasing her, asking her "Ya Bareera just look at me or talk to me." He went to sahaba and said, "Please talk to her for me
(to Abu Bakr and Umar and at the end, even to the Prophet (salAllahu alayhi wassalam) to ask him to intercede. So Prophet (peace be upon him) (as the mercy for mankind) felt sorry for him, and he said he'd do it. When he went to Bareerah, she asked, "Are you commanding me or are you just interceding?"
The Prophet said, "I'm interceding."
She replied, "If this is the case, then I don't want him", and since all else failed, he spent his life chasing after her and crying for her.
What to gain from the hadith:
Excessive love sometimes causes the forgetfulness of shyness. Just like in his example, he could not hide his love for Bareerah, but the Prophet (peace be upon him) didn't chastise him for it (becuse it wasn't in his hands.) He wouldn't have been chastised for it unless he totally crossed the limits. Imam Ibn Hajr said that it is permissible if it's out of someone's hands. If a man is engaged to a lady and the family decides to break off their engagement, he may get really frustrated, and out of excessive love for her, he may act out. We can't do much for that person, so it's okay. In the story above, Mugeeth even went to the extent that he asked the Prohet to intercede for him. Mugheeth loved her so much that the Prophet didn't deny that love, and he didn't say, "You can't because she's not your wife anymore."
*Love is a secret and it's an amazing secret from Allah (Subhanaw wa Ta'Ala!)*
1. Love: The definition
Love is sometimes illusive. It's like food for ones body (it's necessary). The thing that makes a difference between people is their preferences, etc. but people are all the same.
The reality of marriage is that your shoes won't put themselves in place, etc. so why is love illusive?
Attachment to physical character does not last forever.
The person feels his loved one is perfect (how often does love last? ~ About 2 years in an average romantic life.) People think it's a temporary emotion; passions (like love) are always rapidly changing. If people base their marriage solely on love (passion) then this love may not last too long, but understanding the reality of it will help it last longer. Love is nutrition for the soul.
The gradual levels of love
Al Mayl- inclination
Al ? -admiration
Al Muwadda- love~ desire
As Sabaaba- passionate love or obsession
Al Walaa- madness
Al Hayaam- (dazy in love) ~ craziness
At Tattayyum- highest level of love in this aspect
The means of nuturing love
*If you know love is action, it will help you practice it on a daily basis.*
Love is just like a tank. When you get married you both possess it, and you need to continuously fill it. If you are in a hurry and don't' fill it, the tank will be empty. People fail to fill their tanks. Sometimes, the husband may want to use his wife completely, and yet, he hasn't filled his part of the tank. Or, if a wife tries to abuse her husband, she doesn't fill up her part. After 10-15 years, they'll feel they chose the wrong spouse, all because they forgot to fill the tank.
Love is like opening a bank account. A love account with your spouse- what are the transactions? If you bring your spouse chocolate, then you earned 1 mill points. You keep depositing in your account, and she will return your favor and she'll accommodate these points for you. During the middle age crisis, people forget about one another, and they start to continuously withdraw, but because there is no income, the one who is pulling/demanding more from the other is the one who is more frustrated, (because their accounts are bankrupt.) It's important that whatever made you love him/her you need to keep that up.
Ibn Hazm's advice:
Say 'I love you' once in a while. Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) said, "If someone loves his brother fi sabi lillah, then he should tell them." If this is the case between two people who have no relationship with one another, imagine how much more important it would be for people with a high level of intimacy.
Correspondence. Men should write letters for their wives - if you travel, send a postcard, be sincere don't do it over and over again. Men are sometimes not very intelligent in choosing. Just a sincere gift for a woman feels like a million dollars to her. People need to be trained on how to react to gifts, etc.
Showing mutual obedience and full respect: if you don't respect them, you can't expect them to respect you.
Acts of amusement: some think it's immoral to play at home- but Rasulullah would chase A'isha at home. one time she was raising her voice and Abu Bakr was about to come in and beat her, but Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) started to protect her and she hid behind him. After Abu Bakr left, the Prophet turned around, and when he saw that A'isha was still upset, he said, "Didn't I save you from your father?"
What harms love?
Exploitation of his affections of love: if you know they love you, and you use it to bribe them that will fire back at you with hatred because people don't like to be used or exploited.
Acts of disrespect: slandering- people that like to create fitnah out of jealousy animosity and ignorance.
Infidelity and betrayal:
Long and unnecessary separation: if this gap isn't' filled with intense communication, then you're losing a lot. (The TV and computer could ruin your life and your love.)
Sex, passions, and love: are they synonymous?
No they are not. Men usually interpret love as sex, but women think of empathy and sympathy. They would like to see love as sympathy (from men).
*Take the broader meaning of love.*
Does that affect love? Imam Ibn Hazm said: "Indeed between those that have a sinful relationship, it will cause animosity and hatred, but those who have a relationship through marriage in halâl ways, it will increase their love for one another, because they are increasing the sweetness of their love."
6. Decency or indecency?
In the end of his book, Ibn Hazm asked this question. He said:
The inclination to the desire is equal between men and women, but it exists either way. The desire for chance and chastity is equal for both men and women. The danger is that by exposing yourself to sinful paths - if you go and pursue harâm in a good gathering, then you should be punished for it.
If you are living on the beach, it's a challenge to do this. Don't' put yourself in harâm situations and expect the result to be good.
7. What then is: Real Love?
The REAL story is Rasulullah and A'isha; it's not an action?
Intro III: A Story of Real Love
When Amr Ibn-Ul Aas radi allahu anhu asked the Messenger of Allah salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam who the most beloved person was for him, he answered: "A'isha."
He then said: "From men?"
He replied: "Her father."
Imam Az-zhuri said: "The first love story ever known in the history of Islam was the love of RasulAllah salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam for A'isha, and Masrouq used to call her "
The love of Rasullah salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam." Ibnul Qayyim in Raoudatul Muhibbeen.
The most rehearsed love story in history
Romeo and Juliet
From the story of "Romeo and Juliet"
Romeo and Juliet- they never got married! They would have probably gotten divorced. Their love was never put to the test (marriage) and nor did they do it for the Sake of Allah (they committed suicide, etc).
Infidelity in the western family life
Many people cheat behind the backs of their spouses. The whole article in one magazine was all about infidelity in marriage - Why do housewives cheat?: Boredom, looking for adventure, hating spouse, lack of knowledge. And the stereotype for married people is people are now trying to get out of marriage. One bumper sticker said: Attention: Driver does not carry cash, he's married. Websites on the internet were designed to help people cheat and get away with it. Why do so-called love stories not last longer?
And as for Hollywood couples- right after marriage, they want a divorce, and they've been living together for years! People look up to them as their idols and if they are the role models of our lives, how are our lives going to look?
Muslims at the door step of the western version of Marriage, why?
Muslims are now following the same steps: like pre-marriage relationships (we probably know people who are dating in good fate, to get married eventually- and they consume their emotions and love during those years so when they plan for marriage, they find problems with one another and so they break it off). Friend marriages are taking place now- they assign their own mufti's, etc. and this happens on many university campuses. A couple got married on campus, but their family moved out of the state and so she had to move, and so the guy divorced her on the phone and nobody knew about it except him (the witness, etc.) These marriages are plain zinna because they are not performed in the right manner.
Household responsibilities: people are now switching roles and women are working etc. It's creating problems between the wife and husband, as well as domestic discord. Divorce rates are going up. Out of the top 10 countries known for divorce, the U.S, and only one Muslim country (Turkey) was found. The highest rate was in a European country, because the government supports you more if you're divorced (they still live together, but cheat the government.) Here, there is a 46% rate of divorce. So-called love stories end up with divorce here in America.
Lack of knowledge in knowing more about marriage: and the right way to do it (*most important*.)
Adherence to the custom: we are easily influenced by our culture.
Feminist and masculine behaviors are increasing in women and men, and men lose their position as a guardian (where Allah gave him that privilege), then he may lose his position or authority at home. 1. Financially, (loses authority), 2. TV and materialistic
Unrealistic and illusive models of love that we learn from other places.
The Real Love story:
- RasulAllah and Khadija:
One time A'isha heard Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) say: "Give this to the friends of Khadija." She said, "Why do you keep mentioning that old lady when you have someone young and beautiful?" And he said, "Don't say anything about that woman. She gave birth to her children and she believed, she supported them and helped the Ummah..."
- Rasulullah and A'isha:
Which was more beloved out of the two? The question itself is invalid because they did not live in the same time. If they lived at the same time, then it could be compared to see who did more for him. Ibn Taymiyyah finalized this with a couple of words and made the above statement that both were the best for their time.
The wives of Rasulullah salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam
Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam), in general, said, "It was made beloved to me from the zeena of this life women." He (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) also said, "The best among you are those who are best to his family and I am the best to my family." He was always in the service of his family. A'isha said: "He used to always be in the service of the family." He'd help around the house if he was home, until they called for salaah he'd leave as if he was a stranger. He was always ready for his family.
"The main concept of the Fiqh of Love is to learn, appreciate and respect as a spouse; what is your right and what is your obligation."
Main concepts of the Fiqh of Love: