View Full Version : The Fiqh of Love

- Qatada -
01-05-2006, 07:47 AM


Nowadays, it's so hard to express love to people... it seems that love is a sinful act. People think that to feel love is harâm, but the truth is, it's not even in our hands, so how do we react to that? We often don't know how to react to it.

If we approach our parents with something like this, we may get told off. Then, when we grow up, we hear about people getting married every once in a while... we don't know what it means, but we participate, sing nasheeds and then leave. At the wedding, the conversations would be over extremely interesting issues.

One of the first books that Sh. Yaser had heard of was called, "The Ring of the Dove." In that time, this book was a taboo. You weren't allowed to have it because of the way culture promoted that if you weren't getting married yet, there was no need to read it. Shaykh once saw the book at his University. He had to check first to make sure no one else was watching, and then he bought the book (but then he was hiding it, too.) He went through the whole book in one night, and in the end, he said "la ilaha il Allah," because SubhanAllah, he felt that we (and he) have lost SO much in our youth. (That is, if we don't know the REAL meaning of Love!) The book told the meaning of love, how to express it, how to preserve your chastity, how to be chaste, the right etiquette of loving someone, etc., etc., etc.

Why don't we hear bout love in our masâjid today? People like Ibn Qayyim, Ibn Jawzee, and Ibn Hazm all wrote about love. All humans have this natural passion, but when the scholars used to write about it, they were so respectful to the ayah's of the Qur'ân and hadith of RasulAllah salAllahu alayhi wassalam.

For some, the word "love" means lust and desire. On the other hand, the conservative people think of Love of Allah and Messenger of Allah (salAllahu alayhi wassalam) when they think of "love." Love is a universal language, in that everybody that has existed has felt the passion of love. People can smell love when it's in the air because they can see it in your face and hear it in your language, and even if one tries to hide it, it will eventually show through.

Al Bousseeri said in his poetry: "Does not the lover think that his love can be concealed? While his eyes are shedding tears and his heart is glowing, Had it not been for love, you would not have shed tears at the ruins (of your beloved), Nor would you become restless at the remembrance of the cypress (tree) at the high mountain, How do you deny love after the testimony, Borne against you by (such) reliable witnesses as your tears and your illness. Love indeed transforms pleasure into pain."

This class is for people who are interested in learning bout halâl love. Recently one brother came to him, and complained about his love life. Shaykh asked him, "Well, what do you do after you've had an argument with her?" He said, "I just let her go, and then everything goes back to normal..." Shaykh asked, "And you think this is a solution?" The man replied, "Well it works." "This time take her chocolates." The man was embarrassed; he replied, "Nooo, come on Shaykh, why should I do that? What difference will it make?" Shaykh said, "Believe me, it'll make a difference - I'll even pay for you, just do it." The next day, the man came back and he came to the Shaykh and said, "SubhanAllah! That made a lot of difference." All people need is a change in techniques, which is completely halâl, and it'll change their relationships completely. The Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) gave us glad tidings that gatherings such as ours will be surrounded by angels.... that's why some people even fall asleep in them (). The angels are a mercy from Allah. This learning experience is just one path to Jannah - if people remember it that way, then they'll enjoy everything they learn.

Tips during the class:

* Avoid writing questions in debate form. Instead of saying, "you said, blah, blah, blah" say, "we learned…"

* Be general, because when we speak of marriage, there is also the issue of divorce. Don't bring your own specific problems, and just be general

* No questions regarding marriage counseling.

Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) said: "If you look for someone, look for someone who is religious." Taqwa is the key to marriage.

The Faqeeh of Love:

Imam ibn Hazm Al-Andalusee


Ibn Hazm had sincerity in seeking knowledge, and his work is very unique.

The other face of the Imam

1. The life of the Imam

He was born on the last day of Ramadan in 384 A.H. or 994 A.D. in the eastern district of Cordova in Andalus, or Islamic Spain. He died in 456 A.H. and the book "Tawqul Hamaama" was his treatise.

Kurtuba was an Islamic state a long time ago. This is where Ibn Hazm grew up? One of the great scholars of Islam, Imam Dhahabi said beautiful words about Ibn Hazm, stating that he was the "fearless imam?"

He showed knowledge of the sciences, he was a man of letters, a law heading minister, and a perfect author. His people were Al-Hazmiyya. His family belonged to the ruling class of the Umayyad dynasty in Andalus, for which his father was a minister in the Umayyad court.

He had a sharp tongue against his opponents.

His name:

Imam Abu Muhammad Ali Ibn Ahmad Ibn Saeed Ibn Hazm Al-Andalusee Ibn Kutubi

Early life:

The first to migrate to al Andalus was his great grandpa, Khala, from Persia. Ibn Hazm was therefore originally also Persian. His student's name was al-Humaydi because he was the translator of Ibn Hazm's book, "Tawqul Hamaama." (427 A.H.- 1027) Ibn Hazm's ancestors belonged to a notable family. Because he was originally from Persia, he was never from Christian descent (Christianity was not followed in Persia.) During his youth, because of the increased political turmoil in Andalus, his father was arrested, and some of his wealth was confiscated. His father later died when he was only 18 years old, in the year 402 A.H.

Was the translator and student of Ibn Hazm called Al Humaydi?

2. The many different characters of Ibn Hazm

- The Minister:

His father was a high official in service of Al Hajim Al Mansur- regent of Islam of? The Umayyah's were the rulers of Spain at the time. At the time, the Khalifa was Hishaam II, a young boy. The city needed a form of government counsel that could preside until the Khalifa grew to a proper age. Ibn Hazm established a new city to move everyone, and he governed with all the responsibilities, except the actual title of the Khalifa (which he did not want to.) (Muhammad Ibn 'Ali Ammir, very powerful leader?) The Umayyah's recruited against the wishes of the al Ammiri's. During that age, Ibn Hazm himself was the leader. When the Umayyah's took over, a third tribe came in. The first time he was a minister was when he was 24 years old, and even then the Umayyah Khalifa was younger. He became a minister twice (actually, three times, but one of those times are disputable.) He was in exile after his "leader" and friend, Al Murtadha, Abd Al Rahman Ibn Muhammad was assassinated by Ibn Hamud. It was during his exile that he wrote the book, "Tawqul Hamaama." He came out of exile six years later, when he was 25 years old. His life was very difficult. The Umayyah's lost the central Khilaafah of all of Spain, with Banu Hamud as their enemies. Al Mu'tadhid Ibn Abaad from Seville (or Ishbiliyya) ordered for his books to be burned. Mu'tadhid Ibn Abaad was the leader of an independent principality. Leader of Kashmiriya, man called Kurtuba? At the end, he completely abandoned his hukm and went on to devote himself to literature and 'ilm.

Who was Muhammad Ibn Ali Ammir?

- The scholar:

Ibn Hazm was the encyclopedia of knowledge, with no doubt! One can find many of his books (covering all different fields of study) in any Islamic library. If you read any of his books in any field, you'll become an EXPERT! When he died, his son said they collected 400 volumes of his works in his own handwriting! Imam at Tabari was one of the scholars who had written more than him (he wrote about 60 pages a day!) Ibn Hazm wrote on sects and religion, sociology and psychology, and politics. Al Mu'tadhid and many others from the area disliked the fact that he did not follow the Maliki's (who were predominant in that area at the time), and so they burned his books. He ended up writing most of them again. He instead was a follower of the Dhaahiriya madhab.

His Books:

On Sociology and Psychology: "Mudaawaat un-Nufus"~ "Treating and Healing Spirits" and "Al Akhlaaq was Seerah"~ "Manners and Tales"

On Politics: "Al Imaamatu was Siyaasa"~ "Leadership and Politics?"

- The Faqeeh:

Ibn Hazm grew up in a Maaliki environment. He adopted in another madhab, but created the awareness of the Shaa'fi madhab in his area. He also revived the Dhaahiriyah madhab. "Al eekhiyaam wal ehhkhiyaam." He laid a foundation for his madhab, and he attacked blind following a lot. This is because the Arabic language carries its own meaning, which naturally does not need any interpretation, because the meaning is clear from the text itself. He also adhered to hadith to support his opinions which he got from the Qur'ân. He criticized? His master piece is, "AlMuhallaa fee Sharhil-Mujallaa bil-Hujaji wal-Aathaar." About this book, Ibn Zabih said, "I did not see in all the books of knowledge anything like his book." Al Mughnee by Ibn Qudaaama in addition, ad Dhahaabi said, "Sheikh Azadir is right, and the third is al Bayhaqi's book, 'As Sunnal Qudraa (an encyclopedia on hadith and fiqh?).'" Ibn Abdul Barr was the writer of another encyclopedia called "At Tamheed" - ("the introduction or preface.") "Ash-Shaykh 'Izzuddeen bin 'AbdusSalaam, and he was one of the mujtahideen, said, 'I have not seen among the books of Islaamic knowledge like Ibn Hazm's Muhallaa and Shaikh Muwaffaquddeen's Al-Mughnee.' I say that Shaikh 'Izzuddeen is correct, and the third is Al-Bayhaqee's As-Sunan Al-Kabeer and the fourth Ibn 'Abdul-Barr's "At-Tamheed". So whoever obtains these works, and was among the the intelligent mufteen, and became addicted to reading and researching in these books, then he is the true scholar."

- The human being:

In the books he has written, it is as though he is speaking to the reader. The thoughts flowed directly from his mind to the paper. He had had much experience in all of the above roles, and he wrote his experiences for us, as if to say, "pay attention to what I'm telling you", because it was a form of instruction for his readers. His profound human nature is demonstrated in his books. In these, he summarizes the ways to happiness.

So, how can people gain happiness in everything in this life? By attaching themselves to the Aakhiraa. Ibn Hazm was a very honest and straight to the point kind of a person, and he used to get ulcers because of this. He would say, "I don't stand peoples stubbornness."

3. 'The Passions' of the Imam

His memories were so profound in his mind that he would explicitly say his attractions to women and speak of his experiences and what to do and what to avoid if you'd like to do it the right way. He always loved blondes, as he mentions, "let me add a personal touch. In my youth I loved my slave girl who happened to be a blonde. From that time, I've never admired anything else but blonde. The… as splendid as the sun, oh, the very image as the beauty itself… or to love any type but that. The same thing happened to my father and he remained faithful to his first preference till his life on this earth was done."

Ibn Hazm was very fragile when it came to these issues. When he wrote of his experiences, you could feel him crying: "the love of soul is ever seeking for another, yearning to encounter it again, drawing it to itself as a magnet drives iron." However, there is nothing to be found in his writings about his own wife.

4. Women in the life of Ibn Hazm:

"I have myself observed women and got to know their secrets to a sense almost unparalleled, for I was raised in their bosoms and brought up among them and not knowing any other society and I was not around men until I had gained my youth and my beard began to sprout."

In Spain, the best educators and teachers were women and that's why he was entrusted in the hands of women. People had full trust that women could raise ministers and scholars.

He had knowledge and experience, but because of this, he also knew all their secrets. He said, "they trained me in calligraphy… my only care and exercise has been to study the nature? off females; I have thus discovered not a? and am modest. I have never in my life met a woman who revealed the secret of a loving couple except that she was hated. I know of a wealthy woman who owned many slaves, and another who recited Qur'ân from end to end." (Meaning that he knew the ways and lives of many different women, and different types of women. "Women taught me Qur'an, poetry and calligraphy." He love calligraphy because it was mental exercise.

5. The incomplete love story in the life of Ibn Hazm:

Ibn Hazm had a very unique love story. Once when he was 16, and then when he was 18, and then again later. SubhanAllah it is so unique and sweet and devastating because one will ask themselves, "Why didn't she just accept him?" Ibn Hazm had very sincere passions for the girl he loved, and he wanted to do it the halâl way, but she was reluctant and stubborn. He gave every last detail, because when someone loves something, they know every little detail about it. (Chap 27 "Forgetting" has the whole love story in it.)

6. A critique of Ibn Hazm's: "The Ring of the Dove"

"I can tell you with regard to myself I enjoyed love of a slave girl who was 16, she had an extremely pretty face, sweetest disposition, she had a wonderful complexion which she always kept innocent of every vice… she kept her eyes modestly down… and (she was) charming in her withdrawal." Ibn Hazm was very much in love with her. As a believer, we'd love to have our mates fill the above descriptions, too. One time, when the ladies had come to visit, they all looked out the window at the bay. Ibn Hazm tried to approach the girl, and she kept moving away from him, until one lady told her to start playing the flute. "When she was playing the lute I felt she was beating my heart with it." At the end she changed completely, because of turmoil and chaos. I have never forgotten that day and nor shall I forget it till the day it comes for me to leave." (Chap 27 "Forgetting" has the whole love story in it.)

1. In most of his biographies, this book is forgotten, maybe because he was in a time of chaos, and maybe because it was a letter in response to a letter from a friend. He wrote it as a personal letter, and his friend sent it out for the public to read.

2. An estimate of when he finished the book is either 1027 A.D. or 417 A.H. There is a dispute as to why it wasn't listed.

3. What is the validity of this book to Ibn Hazm? Most people mentioned it in their books. Ibn Qayyim, and Ibn Jawziya's book, "The Garden of the Lovers" mentions many quotes (and the author) of Tawqul Hamaama. Imam al Maqtaree mentioned this book in his book, "Nafhudt tee" or "The Fragrance of the Perfume."

4. Back then, they'd copy books by hand, and usually they'd write their signature, and the date, to say who wrote it, and when. In one of these books, the author says that it is basically a summary or a cultivation of the book, and removed some things out of it, and he maybe used his own words to change the meaning of the book. Some of the quotations from these authors mention that the original was larger, and that the present book is maybe only 2/3 of the actual size.

5. The title: "The Ring of the Dove" basically is like a pigeon with the ring as the collar around it's neck. The rings are natural, and beautiful. Usually the Arabs use pigeons or doves (al Hamaama) in poetry about love or passion. They speak of images of these birds, so the title carries the meaning of love and passion and so on. Some scholars say he named it this because this book for lovers will be just like the ring of the dove, a symbolic meaning. Some say that "ring" means symbol of obedience - "if you tie someone (bond them,) it's like you put a ring around their necks." All the signs and material Ibn Hazm mentioned naturally caused people to submit, because when people are in love, they submit to the feelings of love, intimacy and passion.

He was about 34 years old when he wrote the book, which means his memories were probably 15-20 years old. The book seems like a collection of personal memories and personal diaries. He tells of incidents that happened in his lifetime. This book is also a book of history because so many incidents in the history of Spain have been erased except through this book. For instance, the battles of Kurtuba. It can also be considered a book of psychology somehow, because it speaks of the psychological behavior of humans in a certain aspect (love). He explores the passions of men and women being in love. He tells us our weird feelings are feelings of love, and that we what we're experiencing is actually love. Because they lived in luxury at the time, with joyful lives, he also provided records for us of how the aristocrats of that time lived. The book can also be considered a collection of his poetry because he wrote different books about love, but this was the one that stood out most. Some say that he wasn't a very good poet because his language was so strong when he used it in poetry, it became like puzzles. He did have sweet poetry, too. Arab poets fall into different categories, of how soft or how eloquent their poetry is. But for him, it's like he was writing in stone (al asma'?). His book was a promotion for chastity and piety and at the end of this book, he designated two chapters specifically for piety, righteousness, etc. Even though love is something out of our control and out of their hands, we still need to observe Allah's Commandments while experiencing it. He divided his book into 30 powerful chapters under 4 main sections (Accidents of Love, Misfortunes of Love, Love Doesn't Last Forever, But You Can Maintain it.) (look up chapter divisions).

7. The Views of Ibn Hazm on Love

Sometimes love doesn't last forever, but you can maintain it.


1. Ibn Hazm was Dhaahiriy (of those who followed the literal meaning of the text). Usually, ahlul dahr had a philosophical meaning to love. He specifically was calling for the noble love (al hubbul udri?) - the passions that you have in your heart but you maintain your righteousness. He says in his book: "there are for the believers more important things to discuss than love..." because life is short so if we pursue love our whole lives, then what? We haven't prepared for tomorrow (the Day Of Judgment.)

2. Nature of love from his perspective: Of Love, May God exalt you! - The first part is jesting, and the last part is right earnestness. So majestic are its diverse aspects, they are too subtle to be described; their reality can only be apprehended by personal experience. Love is neither disapproved by Religion nor prohibited by the Law; for every heart is in God's hands. He gives his theory of love, which is that men have held diverse opinions, which they debate at great lengths: "(love is) a conjunction between divided souls that have become.... a union affected within the substance in a sublime element?" (Philosophical view)

The term is "love is in the air." How do the two people meet? The soul of love is based on assimilation and similarity in characteristics which helps them get along in marriage. Every form always cries out for its corresponding form. They have to observe the equal or similar characteristics they have, so you have to see where two people are alike. This way, one person can bring up issues and speak to the other about issues they like. He says they should talk to each other and be with each other in their activities (if they like to attend lectures, etc.) - especially for ibaadah purposes. It could be that one is more religious than the other and they want you to participate, but the other is holding the other down. The non-religious person should try it out, because it will cause more enjoyment in their love.

In love, physical attraction is not very important, but sometimes, love starts through it. Physical attraction is not love itself, but it leads to love. If it was love, then nobody would be attracted to anyone at all (if it was based solely on physical appearances), so appearance really doesn't matter. Sometimes it's true, that love can come from a source outside the soul (like we have no choice in getting hungry, it's natural and it happens), it just comes from no where and a person can't choose in their loving. But, there is a difference from primary causes for love and love itself. You have a choice in lowering your gaze or to not go watch TV or bad things on the internet, but then when love hits your heart, you don't have a choice. You will never find two people in love without a likeness in natural attributes between them (and try to increase them, too). Make sure when you look for a suitable match, look for natural attributes you share, don't get hooked on the physical image, look for the moral images instead. Allaah created us Perfect, (from our creations) and people get attracted to perfection, that's why people are awed by beauty, because that's perfection, and people look for perfection everywhere. The first perfection we think of is physical perfection and we think that if a person is perfect on the outside, they'll be totally perfect in all senses. "Every heart is in Allah's hands." Why is love halâl? Because it's in Allah's hands.

"Love- may God exalt you! Is in truth a baffling ailment, and its remedy is in strict accord with the degree to which it is treated; it is a delightful malady, a most desirable sickness. (It's joyful even though it's painful) Whoever is free of it likes not to be immune, and whoever is struck down by it yearns not to recover. Love represents as glamorous that which a man formerly disdained, and renders easy for him that which he hitherto found hard; so that it even transforms established temperaments and inborn dispositions."

Sometimes you're in love (it's from Allah, as a test, but how do you react to it?) Love is all from Allah, and Shaitaan makes you think you're a hypocrite, but in actuality it's just a test.

About opposites attracting: sometimes they have the same effect of the similar characteristics. If you hold a ball of snow in your hand, it feels like the burn of fire. That extreme condition sometimes leads to the same effects as similarities. Opposites do attract one another and eventually they start to become "one". Its very common: sometimes they fight because they love each other so much. In the book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", we learn that men need time to stretch out, or go away. When a band reaches its limit the only place it has it to go back (and with full strength and with quickness.) If she goes towards him, then it makes them weak (this theory works!*) Women, on the other hand, work like waves, she'll be in the best mood or and then she'll be in the worst of moods, etc. This theory is also expressed by Ibn Hazm (r.a.)

If someone is harsh, what kind of partner should they find? Wa Allahu 'Alam, maybe there are other characteristics that attract them to one another. Harshness usually doesn't attract people, usually it's other characteristics. We don't find people based on just anything, it should be based on shariah requirements.

Chapter 1:

'Jesting about Love' Introductions

"And among His signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts). Verily in that are signs for those who reflect." (Ar Room 30:21)

"Mawaddatan wa rahmah"- "mawaddah" means "mahabbah" (love) wa "rahmah" means "mercy"

"Mawaddah" could also be intimacy and love itself.

Shaykh Yaser's theory of Love: Why do people go to French for love? Maybe because of their language, and maybe because France is close to Spain. Real love was taken out from Muslim Spain, and the closest country to Spain was France. People say we can trace the roots of literature back to Muslim Spain, and the theory of love can also be found in the literature and poetry of Ibn Hazm.

Intro I: Islam and Love

The Messenger of Allah salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam speaking about his wife Khadija said: "Verily, I was filled with love for her."

Some people don't proudly say they love their spouse. Maybe women are afraid because other women would steal their husbands, and maybe men don't say so because it's a sign of weakness, but Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) showed and expressed his love for his wife, because he loved her so much.

1. Love: The definition

If we look it up, it's very interesting:

1. Love: as a noun - a strong positive emotion of regard or affection (for someone they love or something they love)

2. It is a passion, any object of warm affection or devotion; beloved, dear, loved one

3. Sexual love: lust and desire- love making

4. As a verb- a great affection and love for someone; to be in love with a person (with a spouse or in a harâm relationship)

5. The conclusion: a feeling of intense affection given freely and without restriction

Love exists in all people, either as a sensibility or as a passion. Attraction to women is a general meaning.

As a passion, it means: when strongly excited and exercised towards a certain individual.

If you aren't attracted to the opposite sex, then you're "sick" because He created us from two genders and He created love and affection between us. In our culture, they mix men and women, with hopes that "the passion will fade, etc." but that will never happen. Nowadays, people get attracted to people of same sex (it's harâm and forbidden, but it happens due to certain circumstances.)

In Arabic:

1. "Hubb" (haa and baa)- for love

2. "Ishq"- degree in love, when people lose their sense of rationale

In the past, people related love to philosophy and they'd bring their own meanings to it. Another meaning of love is from Socrates. He says love is like a big genie that controls all the spirits of the loved ones, that's why people talk about cupid, etc. Some claim that love is the spirit that controls all spirits of people in love. They claim that it is "not perpetual but it's still mortal" and that "it is not wise, but not ignorant." (All philosophy)

Interpretations: love is a sickness, not a physical sickness, but a spiritual/psychological sickness, so it needs to be treated. Some say it's a natural instinct, and some say it's forbidden. There will be a great similitude between the European meaning of love and the time when Spaniard Muslims ruled. Sacrificial love, or intellectual love, is not something real <-- when you love Allah, you'll sacrifice much the same way, you'll do the same for your husband, this love is expressed by Sufi's amongst Muslims (and in Christians, they are Sufis and monks.)

2. The Nature of Love

What do Muslim scholars say about love?

Al Jaahel- the author of the following two books: Kitaabun Nisaa and Risaalatul Qiyaam (female singers of their time) brought up issues of ishq and hubb. For him, it was just an intellectual experience. He interpreted it as lust and said he was against it.

Ibn Qayyim- made a difference between hubb and ishq. He interpreted "hubb" as "love", and "ishq" as the condemned form of love (when someone goes beyond the natural limit of love, and they become so obsessed that they go to har&#226;m measures to fulfill their desires or be close to those they love.)

Muhammad Ibn Abee Dawud an-Naysaaboori- author of Kitaab az-Zuhra fee Akhbaar bane Udrhra (al hubb ul udri udri is a very well known tribe for being in love, noble love.) When the people of this tribe are in love, they conceive it and don't' express it in a har&#226;m way. In this book, he collected 100 qualities of Banu Udraa to show how they expressed their love for one another. "I carried the mountains of love because of you, even if I couldn't' carry my shirt… it's nothing but a sickness in the heart (or soul)."

Ibn Jawzee- almost all of the scholar share the same theory. They theorized that assimilation and being close in characteristics helps increase love. He lived in 11th century AD, or 6 A.H. He predicted that love would become a lot stronger if one kept looking at his loved one (look at your wife and husband). Love becomes stronger if you prolong your meetings. He said long conversations (a nice and intimate conversation), will be enjoyable. If you add to this attraction things like hugging etc then it becomes even stronger. Arabs say: "the eye is the wide gateway to the soul."

Ibnul Qayyim- Rawdatul Muhibbeen (The Garden of the Loved Ones) and Nuzhatul Mushtaaqeen.

He said that there are three pillars for love:

1) Attributes of the beloved one

2) The feelings and intentions of the loving person or affections of the loved ones happens by two things

1. Intention- optional, you choose to love them

2. Inclination- of the heart, this is not in your hand, but try to cause them to be attracted to you

3) The relationship which is the form of expressing ones feelings. (These things apply in the engagement period. If you're looking for yourself in khitbah... under supervision of the mahram, you should express these feelings.)

1. Using your eye- your sight or vision, but not in a har&#226;m way. The Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) said: "if you are looking for medicine, you will never find it in something har&#226;m." So, if you look in a haram way, so you'll create the opposite effect, and you'll lose interest instead. Nowadays, people look at divorcees as defected, but we should not have that bias (Islamically). This can be by the eye or the eye of the heart. If your mom comes to you and says we saw a girl, then you imagine her, you will get attracted to her image. That's why Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) forbade women to describe other women to one another. Men are attracted to descriptions because they imagine easily, so women should never do that, except for in cases of marriage or khitbah

2. Admiration- (istista?) it doesn't have to be about everything about them, but maybe just one thing you really like about them, like their physical beauty, or their knowledge, etc. If you can't find anything to admire, then wait for another chance (in a possible future spouse)

3. Obsession- to get obsessed, you look at them, you admire them, you develop that obsession, you always talk to yourself about them (that will build love in your heart),

4. Establishing commitment and building hope- if you don't work on that, you'll just be looking for har&#226;m. We are all deceived by Shaitaan, and just plain har&#226;m scoping will ruin your life completely. If you ever get in trouble with your spouse, then you'll remember and compare your spouse to previous people in your relationships. Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) did not recommend for the first time that someone marry a person with previous experience. USUALLY, if you marry a widow, she'll marry you for her children, not for you, because she might still mistrust you or mistrust Qadr (that her new husband may die, but that's kufr.) Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) recommended for Jaabir to look for a virgin. When you express your love for your spouse, you don't have to be totally expressive about loving them, just stick up for them, and let people know if you do.

Celibate marriage: when people get married they establish a contract, the spoken form, and they are married legally until the consummation of marriage. This means that they are Islamically married, they are entitled to inheritance if someone dies. A celibate marriage is broken when the couple is in complete privacy, even without consummation. The marriage contract is still the same as a regular marriage, but with the mutual agreement that they will not consummate the marriage (meaning that they cannot be in complete privacy, or as they don't consummate it with intercourse.) The Hanbal's say that consummation doesn't mean intercourse, it means anything.

3. The categories of Love

There are two main categories of love:

1. Natural love- natural affections and feeling of intense affection given freely without restriction

2. Rational love- sometimes this love becomes ibaadah. Sometimes ishq leads to shirk and disobedience (and that's why people say it's not allowed.) Some people love RasulAllah as much as Allah (but this is not allowed). All these people (like kids, family, wives and spouses) can be parallel in love, so long as they don't exceed the limit (in comparison to love for Allah.)

4. The signs of Love

As mentioned by Ibn Hazm:

1. The brooding gaze: when people open their eyes wide in love. (Once at the airport, he saw a teenage boy who held on to a big pole and kept crying ~ lol.)

2. Directing the conversation to a beloved one- you always talk to that one person, because you're in love, and when they speak, you pay attention.

3. You always hurry to where they are- to sit near them or be near them

4. You're taken aback by mentioning somebody/something similar to someone they love (the name, or style of dress). That's why Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) would get criticized if someone just said the name of Khadija (because he loved her so much.)

5. They get cheerful when place is narrow, and depressed when they are in a big place; narrow places allow them to be closer and wider areas place a larger distance between them

6. Tug of war, playfully, or helping out, and you enjoy it (ex: breaking plates~lol)

7. Concealed winking in presence of other people- if there are guests over, or something, he's just smiling or making subtle gestures, because she's there and watching, and he knows it. You have to be more precautions in a gathering, so you steal a touch or kiss from her

8. Wasting of the body: not eating, etc.

9. Weeping

5. The ruling of Love in Islam

Love is not in our hands. What proves this is what Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) said when he used to distribute provision for his wives, he'd say, "O Allah, this is my distribution for what I have control of, but please don't hold me accountable for something I cannot control (his love for A'isha.)" In the Qur'an, Allah says, "It has been adorned for mankind (esp. for men) the love for shahawaat (desires) from the women, (and vice versa)" (Surah Al'Imran, 3: 14) In Ibn Qayyim's, al-Jawaab al-Kaafi, he says, "As for loving women, there is no blame on a person who has love for them. On the contrary, it is part of his perfection (as a human being) for Allah says, 'wa min ayaatihi an khalqa lakum min anfusakum azwaajal li taskunu ilayha wa ja'ala bainakum mawaddatuwn wa Rahmah' (Quran, Surah ArRum.)" In Ibn Jawzee's book titled "Dhaamul Hawaa'," he criticizes al ishq. He set a difference between the two types of love. He said that there are those who have kindness in their hearts, and then there are those who don't love (and their hearts are hard as rocks - "if you haven't loved passionately or known the meaning of desire then get up and eat hay for you are nothing but a donkey" and "you and the hard rock are equal.") Ibn Qayyim: "when we speak of rulings of love, we must describe two things. One is optional and one is not. The optional love is what leads to love (eyesight, association, etc.) and this is the love that you have to beware of (for it may lead to unlawful acts.) The non optional love, if it happens by the sudden look, or natural passions that develop, you cannot be blamed for it, but it's how you react to it that Allah will hold you to accountable for.

6. Stories of Love

- Predating Islamic era:

Arabs have always been portrayed as lustful people.

The stories of:

Antaraa wa Ablaa ~ Antaraa was born from a female slave. He had a cousin named Ablaa (who had a free father and mother) and the father of Antaraa was a free man, too. Antaraa always felt inferior because of his production from slavery, so to substitute for the inferiority complex, he became the best warrior and a role model for all the people. He had always wanted to marry his cousin, but his uncle didn't accept that. It took him some time until he proved himself, and he was asked once, "Where'd you gain this power and strength" so he replied, "I used to go to weakest guy, and beat him up so that the strong ones would feel intimidated." (lol)

Qays and Laila ~ Qays said, "Her love came to me before I even knew what love meant in my life… it met an empty heart, and it was confirmed (she completed his heart)… and what is love? (It is) nothing but a spark that was triggered by a look (al maha~ the deer,) which triggered this flame in my heart."

Jameel and Buthayna ~

Guthayr and 'Azza ~

- Islamic era


"And from our signs is that We have created for you mates from amongst yourselves."

"It has been adorned for people the love for shahawaat."
(Al'Imran, 3:14)


Ibn Maajah collected the following hadith: "Ibn Abaas (radi Allahu anhu) reported that a man came to the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) and said, 'We have an orphan girl under our custody. A poor man and a rich man have both courted her. She prefers the poor man, but we prefer the rich man. (What should we do?)" The Prophet (salAllahu alayhi wassalam) responded, "For those who like each other, nothing has proven as good as marriage."

In our society, people propose, but they're usually "not allowed to" unless they're doctors or lawyers or something of that status. (For people like that, they have to remember that *sometimes people lose their wallets* ~ a person won't always be rich with money, but they can be rich at heart.)

Because Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) trusted 'Amr bin al 'Aas, he assigned him to be the head of a military expedition. 'Amr thought maybe Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) loved him a lot (or the most), so he asked the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam), "Ya RasuAllah, man ahabbu ilan naasi ilaik?" So, the Prophet replied, "A'isha." 'Amr replied, "No, from the men." And the Prophet replied, "Her father." From this hadith, we see that he, the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) still attributed Abu Bakr to his beloved A'isha radi Allahu anhu. - (Bukhari/Muslim)

One time, the wives of the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) sent a complaint against A'isha (radi Allahu anhu) through their envoy Fatima (radi Allahu anhu.) They wondered why he loved her so much. When A'isha related the hadith, she said that Fatima entered the room when the Prophet and A'isha were lying together. Fatima complained and then the Prophet? said, "They're asking you to be the daughter of Ibn abi kuhaafa." A'isha (r.a.) just stayed quiet. Then the Prophet asked, "Don't you love what I love?" and Fatima replied, "Yes." So he said, "Then just love her." - (Muslim)

When the Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) would distribute between his wives, he'd say (to Allah), "Forgive me for what I don't have control over."

Imam Muhammad Ibn Shaab az Zuhri said, "The first love that was ever recognized and known is the love between Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) and A'isha (r.a.)" Masrouq (a narrator) would refer to A'isha in the following way: "And on the authority of habibullah" (A'isha.) In "The Ring of the Dove," Ibn Hazm said that someone said, "O ameer ul mu'mineen,… and I'm in love with her." So the person replied, "It's not in your hand, what can I do for you?" (The point is, love is not in our hands, but it's how we react to it that we need to be careful of.)

One time, a person who was excessively in love also died because his loved one died. Upon hearing this, Zaid Ibn Thaabit (head of committee in charge of compiling Qur'&#226;n) performed salaatul janaaza for him, because he felt mercy for him.

What to gain from the hadith:

1. Love is natural and totally out of our control. If it is natural, Allah will not hold a person accountable for it, so long as they act appropriately.

2. The word "hubb" (meaning love) came in many narrations.

3. Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) explicitly showed preference to A'isha over his other wives.

He used to wait for her night, and towards the end of his lifetime, he'd ask every night "where will I go today." When the wives figured out why he would continuously ask, they all reconciled and said, "O Messenger of Allah, (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) just stay at her house."

She was so happy that the last thing in his stomach was her saliva. During the time of his death, she would boast that, "His head lay between my chest and my chin."

One time, while some children were playing in the masjid, she stood behind him (with their cheeks touching) while she watched. And he'd ask, "Are you done?" She'd say, "Not yet. Not yet" until she finally said, "Okay I'm satisfied," and she just left. Later, she told him, "By Allah, I had no interest in watching those people, but I just wanted to touch your cheek."

Read what Ibn Hajr says about this hadith and you'll be amazed. When you live in a culture where this intimacy between married couples seems sinful, that's how people react. For example, one man came to him (Sh. Yaser) and said, "I don't believe you (that the hadith said those words)" so Sh. told him, "It's in Bukhari" and he even copied the hadith for him and he read it to him. The man still said, "I don't see it."

7. Scholarly works on Love

"Kitaab az-Zuhra fee Akhbaar bane Udrhra" by Muhammad Ibn Abee Dawud an-Naysaaboori

"Dhammul Hawaa" ("Criticizing al Hawaa") by Ibn Jawzee

"Rawdatul Muhibbeen" by Ibn Qayyim

"Al Masoon fi Sirril Hawwal Maknun" ("The Protected/Preserved for You") by Ibrahim Ibn 'Ali as Hussari

Al Bousseeri said in his poetry: "Does not the lover think that his love can be concealed? While his eyes are shedding tears and his heart is glowing, Had it not been for love, you would not have shed tears at the ruins (of your beloved), Nor would you become restless at the remembrance of the cypress (tree) at the high mountain, How do you deny love after the testimony, Borne against you by (such) reliable witnesses as your tears and your illness."

Good intentions do not justify errors (you can't do something bad with a good intention)

Intro II: Falling in Love

The Messenger of Allah salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam was telling his uncle Al Abaas the story of Mugheeth and Bareerah, he said: "O Abbas! Isn't it amazing how much Mugheeth loves Bareerah and how much Bareerah loves/hates? Mugheeth?"

Bareerah was a female slave and A'isha was interested in buying her. She was married to Mugheer, and Ai'sha freed her (they were married in slavery); a free woman cannot marry a slave man, so after she became free, she had the choice to keep this marriage or to ask for the dissolvent of the marriage. She said, "Alhamdulillah, I'm tired of this marriage, I'm going to get out." Mugheer loved her so much, sincerely and honestly. After she left him, he couldn't take it, so he went in public weeping, chasing her, asking her "Ya Bareera just look at me or talk to me." He went to sahaba and said, "Please talk to her for me (to Abu Bakr and Umar and at the end, even to the Prophet (salAllahu alayhi wassalam) to ask him to intercede. So Prophet (peace be upon him) (as the mercy for mankind) felt sorry for him, and he said he'd do it. When he went to Bareerah, she asked, "Are you commanding me or are you just interceding?" The Prophet said, "I'm interceding." She replied, "If this is the case, then I don't want him", and since all else failed, he spent his life chasing after her and crying for her.

What to gain from the hadith:

Excessive love sometimes causes the forgetfulness of shyness. Just like in his example, he could not hide his love for Bareerah, but the Prophet (peace be upon him) didn't chastise him for it (becuse it wasn't in his hands.) He wouldn't have been chastised for it unless he totally crossed the limits. Imam Ibn Hajr said that it is permissible if it's out of someone's hands. If a man is engaged to a lady and the family decides to break off their engagement, he may get really frustrated, and out of excessive love for her, he may act out. We can't do much for that person, so it's okay. In the story above, Mugeeth even went to the extent that he asked the Prohet to intercede for him. Mugheeth loved her so much that the Prophet didn't deny that love, and he didn't say, "You can't because she's not your wife anymore."

*Love is a secret and it's an amazing secret from Allah (Subhanaw wa Ta'Ala!)*

1. Love: The definition

Love is sometimes illusive. It's like food for ones body (it's necessary). The thing that makes a difference between people is their preferences, etc. but people are all the same.

The reality of marriage is that your shoes won't put themselves in place, etc. so why is love illusive?

1. Attachment to physical character does not last forever.

2. The person feels his loved one is perfect (how often does love last? ~ About 2 years in an average romantic life.) People think it's a temporary emotion; passions (like love) are always rapidly changing. If people base their marriage solely on love (passion) then this love may not last too long, but understanding the reality of it will help it last longer. Love is nutrition for the soul.

2. The gradual levels of love

1. Al Mayl- inclination

2. Al ? -admiration

3. Al Muwadda- love~ desire

4. As Sabaaba- passionate love or obsession

5. Al Walaa- madness

6. Al Hayaam- (dazy in love) ~ craziness

7. At Tattayyum- highest level of love in this aspect

3. The means of nuturing love

*If you know love is action, it will help you practice it on a daily basis.*


a. Love is just like a tank. When you get married you both possess it, and you need to continuously fill it. If you are in a hurry and don't' fill it, the tank will be empty. People fail to fill their tanks. Sometimes, the husband may want to use his wife completely, and yet, he hasn't filled his part of the tank. Or, if a wife tries to abuse her husband, she doesn't fill up her part. After 10-15 years, they'll feel they chose the wrong spouse, all because they forgot to fill the tank.

b. Love is like opening a bank account. A love account with your spouse- what are the transactions? If you bring your spouse chocolate, then you earned 1 mill points. You keep depositing in your account, and she will return your favor and she'll accommodate these points for you. During the middle age crisis, people forget about one another, and they start to continuously withdraw, but because there is no income, the one who is pulling/demanding more from the other is the one who is more frustrated, (because their accounts are bankrupt.) It's important that whatever made you love him/her you need to keep that up.

Ibn Hazm's advice:

1. Confess. Say 'I love you' once in a while. Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) said, "If someone loves his brother fi sabi lillah, then he should tell them." If this is the case between two people who have no relationship with one another, imagine how much more important it would be for people with a high level of intimacy.

2. Correspondence. Men should write letters for their wives - if you travel, send a postcard, be sincere don't do it over and over again. Men are sometimes not very intelligent in choosing. Just a sincere gift for a woman feels like a million dollars to her. People need to be trained on how to react to gifts, etc.

3. Showing mutual obedience and full respect: if you don't respect them, you can't expect them to respect you.

4. Acts of amusement: some think it's immoral to play at home- but Rasulullah would chase A'isha at home. one time she was raising her voice and Abu Bakr was about to come in and beat her, but Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) started to protect her and she hid behind him. After Abu Bakr left, the Prophet turned around, and when he saw that A'isha was still upset, he said, "Didn't I save you from your father?"

4. What harms love?

1. Exploitation of his affections of love: if you know they love you, and you use it to bribe them that will fire back at you with hatred because people don't like to be used or exploited.

2. Acts of disrespect: slandering- people that like to create fitnah out of jealousy animosity and ignorance.

3. Infidelity and betrayal:

4. Long and unnecessary separation: if this gap isn't' filled with intense communication, then you're losing a lot. (The TV and computer could ruin your life and your love.)

5. Sex, passions, and love: are they synonymous?

No they are not. Men usually interpret love as sex, but women think of empathy and sympathy. They would like to see love as sympathy (from men).

*Take the broader meaning of love.*

Intercourse: Does that affect love? Imam Ibn Hazm said: "Indeed between those that have a sinful relationship, it will cause animosity and hatred, but those who have a relationship through marriage in hal&#226;l ways, it will increase their love for one another, because they are increasing the sweetness of their love."

6. Decency or indecency?

In the end of his book, Ibn Hazm asked this question. He said:

The inclination to the desire is equal between men and women, but it exists either way. The desire for chance and chastity is equal for both men and women. The danger is that by exposing yourself to sinful paths - if you go and pursue har&#226;m in a good gathering, then you should be punished for it.

If you are living on the beach, it's a challenge to do this. Don't' put yourself in har&#226;m situations and expect the result to be good.

7. What then is: Real Love?

The REAL story is Rasulullah and A'isha; it's not an action?

Intro III: A Story of Real Love

When Amr Ibn-Ul Aas radi allahu anhu asked the Messenger of Allah salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam who the most beloved person was for him, he answered: "A'isha." He then said: "From men?" He replied: "Her father."

Imam Az-zhuri said: "The first love story ever known in the history of Islam was the love of RasulAllah salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam for A'isha, and Masrouq used to call her "The love of Rasullah salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam." Ibnul Qayyim in Raoudatul Muhibbeen.

1. The most rehearsed love story in history

Romeo and Juliet

2. From the story of "Romeo and Juliet"

Romeo and Juliet- they never got married! They would have probably gotten divorced. Their love was never put to the test (marriage) and nor did they do it for the Sake of Allah (they committed suicide, etc).

3. Infidelity in the western family life

Many people cheat behind the backs of their spouses. The whole article in one magazine was all about infidelity in marriage - Why do housewives cheat?: Boredom, looking for adventure, hating spouse, lack of knowledge. And the stereotype for married people is people are now trying to get out of marriage. One bumper sticker said: Attention: Driver does not carry cash, he's married. Websites on the internet were designed to help people cheat and get away with it. Why do so-called love stories not last longer?

And as for Hollywood couples- right after marriage, they want a divorce, and they've been living together for years! People look up to them as their idols and if they are the role models of our lives, how are our lives going to look?

4. Muslims at the door step of the western version of Marriage, why?

Muslims are now following the same steps: like pre-marriage relationships (we probably know people who are dating in good fate, to get married eventually- and they consume their emotions and love during those years so when they plan for marriage, they find problems with one another and so they break it off). Friend marriages are taking place now- they assign their own mufti's, etc. and this happens on many university campuses. A couple got married on campus, but their family moved out of the state and so she had to move, and so the guy divorced her on the phone and nobody knew about it except him (the witness, etc.) These marriages are plain zinna because they are not performed in the right manner.

Household responsibilities: people are now switching roles and women are working etc. It's creating problems between the wife and husband, as well as domestic discord. Divorce rates are going up. Out of the top 10 countries known for divorce, the U.S, and only one Muslim country (Turkey) was found. The highest rate was in a European country, because the government supports you more if you're divorced (they still live together, but cheat the government.) Here, there is a 46% rate of divorce. So-called love stories end up with divorce here in America.

Lack of knowledge in knowing more about marriage: and the right way to do it (*most important*.)

Adherence to the custom: we are easily influenced by our culture.

Feminist and masculine behaviors are increasing in women and men, and men lose their position as a guardian (where Allah gave him that privilege), then he may lose his position or authority at home. 1. Financially, (loses authority), 2. TV and materialistic

Unrealistic and illusive models of love that we learn from other places.

5. The Real Love story:

- RasulAllah and Khadija:

One time A'isha heard Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) say: "Give this to the friends of Khadija." She said, "Why do you keep mentioning that old lady when you have someone young and beautiful?" And he said, "Don't say anything about that woman. She gave birth to her children and she believed, she supported them and helped the Ummah..."

- Rasulullah and A'isha:

Which was more beloved out of the two? The question itself is invalid because they did not live in the same time. If they lived at the same time, then it could be compared to see who did more for him. Ibn Taymiyyah finalized this with a couple of words and made the above statement that both were the best for their time.

6. The wives of Rasulullah salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam

Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam), in general, said, "It was made beloved to me from the zeena of this life women." He (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) also said, "The best among you are those who are best to his family and I am the best to my family." He was always in the service of his family. A'isha said: "He used to always be in the service of the family." He'd help around the house if he was home, until they called for salaah he'd leave as if he was a stranger. He was always ready for his family.

"The main concept of the Fiqh of Love is to learn, appreciate and respect as a spouse; what is your right and what is your obligation."

Main concepts of the Fiqh of Love:

- Learn

- Appreciate

- Respect

- Rights

- Obligations

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- Qatada -
01-15-2006, 12:07 AM

01-15-2006, 12:13 AM
JazakAllah bro, a very informative post mashaAllah!

01-15-2006, 12:28 AM
that shud be read by manyyyyyyyy of us!!!!!!!!!jazakallah bro!!

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01-15-2006, 08:25 AM
Very informative, & attracts many,
it is a MUST read 4 everyone

10-12-2006, 01:27 PM
mashAllah, fi-sab :p :p :p

10-12-2006, 03:09 PM

I'll definately be forwarding this to my husband. He's a big Ibn Hazm fan. It's always Ibn Hazm said this, Ibn Hazm said that :D

I actually think he has the Ring of the Dove somewhere :playing:

Ali_slave of Allah
10-12-2006, 04:28 PM
thanks shukran

10-12-2006, 07:47 PM
Barakallahu feekum

10-12-2006, 07:50 PM
jazakaAllah kahyr akhi:)


10-12-2006, 08:10 PM
shukran Akhi subhanallah!! a very good read i had to print that out && read it mashallah you come out with some really good post you deserve a rep (on way) && also everyone SHOULD read this! i gurantee most of have different opinions but believe me this article is very stunning MASHALLAH!! some of the things that have been said i never knew but subhanallah now i do :)
once again shukran

10-13-2006, 11:16 PM

Knowing Fi_Sabilillah, I'm not too surprised he post that :rollseyes. Guess were both on the same boat ;D .
Excellent post mate :bravo: .

10-14-2006, 12:01 AM
Very beautiful, informative, article...wish everyone could read it!

10-14-2006, 04:47 PM
This article is wow!!

everyone should read it

Sal3ma 7
10-14-2006, 04:52 PM
Jazakallahu Khair :wub:

10-14-2006, 05:45 PM
Salam WOOOOOOOOOW jazakallah khair amazing! wasalam

- Qatada -
10-15-2006, 01:54 PM

The book that's mentioned in the article can be read online insha'Allaah:

The Ring of the Dove


10-15-2006, 11:44 PM

masha allah brother, very beneficial !!!

Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн
10-18-2006, 07:03 PM
WOW! awesome post, MashAllah.
Jazak Allah Khair

Ibn Abi Ahmed
11-22-2006, 10:02 PM

For the brothers/sisters interested in reading/learning more about marriage and love, there is a seminar by AlMaghrib called, 'Love Notes: Marriage and Family Life' taught by Shaykh Yasir Birjas. It hasnt come to NY yet, so I havent been to it, but via the Gems, it seems awesome. Check out this section on their forum and read the threads that say 'Gems':


Also, here are some notes that a brother there posted up, quite beneficial:

Day 2: Love notes: Islam and Love

Some cool stuff there Masha'Allah.


Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн
11-22-2006, 11:05 PM
JazakAllah Khair brother.

Ibn Abi Ahmed
11-23-2006, 12:41 AM

Bukhari; Volume 7, Book 62, Number 138:

Narrated al-Qasim: Aisha said that whenever the Prophet intended to go on a journey, he drew lots among his wives (so as to take one of them along with him). During one of his journeys the lot fell on 'Aisha and Hafsa. When night fell the Prophet would ride beside 'Aisha and talk with her. One night Hafsa said to 'Aisha, "Won't you ride my camel tonight and I ride yours, so that you may see (me) and I see (you) (in new situation)?" 'Aisha said, "Yes, (I agree.)" So 'Aisha rode, and then the Prophet came towards 'Aisha's camel on which Hafsa was riding. He greeted Hafsa and then proceeded (beside her) till they dismounted (on the way). 'Aisha missed him, and so, when they dismounted, she put her legs in the Idhkhir and said, "O Lord (Allah)! Send a scorpion or a snake to bite me for I am not to blame him (the Prophet ).

Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн
11-23-2006, 01:51 AM
Aww hey, i like that one, MashAllah.

11-23-2006, 11:38 PM
Hmmm could you explain it to me than? seems like I cant really grasp the meaning of that last line.


Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн
11-23-2006, 11:46 PM
Ok ill try lol.
When the Prophet(saw) would go on a journey he(saw) would draw lots on his wives and chose who would go with him(saw). The lots fel onl Aisha(ra) and Hafsa(ra). When night fell the Prophet would ride beside 'Aisha(ra) and talk with her. One night Hafsa(ra) asked Aisha(ra) if she would switch places with her, so she may sit with the Prophet(saw). Then the Prophet came towards 'Aisha's(ra) camel on which Hafsa(ra) was riding. He greeted Hafsa and then proceeded(beside her) till they dismounted. Aisha(ra) missed the Prophet(saw) very much. So she prayed to Allah(swt) that she may get bit by a snake or scorpion. I guess she wanted his(saw) attention or just be with him(saw) more.

I hope thats correct!

Ibn Abi Ahmed
11-25-2006, 05:10 PM

The Ring of the Dove; PDF format:



Ibn Abi Ahmed
11-30-2006, 07:16 PM

Just found something amazing for the married brother's and sister's here. On AlMaghrib Forums:

Qabeelat Hosna presents...

The Fiqh of Love Advisor

Each day the Advisor will give you a suggestion, ayah, hadeeth, or quote to help you become the ultimate spouse. Based on the material presented in the Fiqh of Love seminars taught by Sh. Yaser Birjas.
Check out the post and download it here:

And you can download a sister's notes from the Fiqh of Love class here:


11-30-2006, 08:05 PM

lol, is that book fiction or is it actually based on fact cause some off it is unislamic and one shouldn't reveal their sins.

12-01-2006, 04:52 AM
^^^which one bro...can you please quote for me?

can you please tell me the guidelines for a couple (not married) to be in love...

what actions they should avoid.

'islam does not punish because of your feelings but actions' (erm...something like that :hiding)

12-01-2006, 07:24 AM
salams.. u know that 'tawaaqatul hamaamah'? lol does anyoen hav some sorta commentary on the book? liek explaining the mindset the sheikh had when he was readin git?

i read a coupe chapters but then i just decided to stop coz i honeslty don't think its something you get reward for, maybe das coz i'm taking it in a completely dfif way :uuh:

salamz :D

Ibn Abi Ahmed
12-08-2006, 12:15 AM
Originally Posted by Ahmed.

The Ring of the Dove; PDF format:



Link Updated:


Ibn Abi Ahmed
12-11-2006, 03:10 PM
Anas ibn Malik narrates, "I saw the Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam), making for her (Safiya) a kind of cushion with his cloak behind him (on his camel). He then sat beside his camel and put his knee for Safiya to put her foot on, in order to ride (on the camel)."
[Sahih Al-Bukhari]

- Qatada -
12-11-2006, 04:41 PM
Chapter 2:

'The Earnestness of Love' Marriage and Family Life

"O Mankind, be conscious of your duty to your Lord, who created you from a single soul, created of like nature his mate and from the two created and spread many men and women, and be mindful of your duty to Allah whose name you appeal to one another and to (the ties of) the womb. Verily, Allah watches over you." (An-nisaa' 4:1)

The Status of Family in Islam

1. Family Life: Basic Principles

1. Know that the family system is a divinely inspired institution- we learn this from the Qur'&#226;n and Sunnah. Allah (SWT) called marriage mithaaqul ghaleelah- a strong covenant (and dangerous, because when you commit in marriage it's a very serious covenant). The regulations, etc. are all mentioned in the Qur'&#226;n (like care of children and breastfeeding the baby, etc)

2. Social contract- it's not enough just to come together and have children w/out marriage. That does not form a family, it forms a herd. It won't contribute very well to the society. This goes beyond two contracting parties. If the men and women have children, people become mothers and fathers in-law, etc. just because of the formation of two people coming together in marriage. It's necessary to know how much they need to be responsible for the women, especially when there is a social need for the man to marry more than one wife.

3. Faith and Family (Righteousness)- Faithful people should be considered first. Faith matters in the inheritance law (because non-Muslims do not get the inheritance). Apostasy would cancel marriage as well.

4. Forbidding all forms of sexual relations outside of marriage- it was all very well planned out with good organization and regulation for this matter. Muslims believe it will qualify people to play their roles in society. Forbidding free mixing is logical because free mixing leads to unlawful relationships and marriages without blessing.

2. Structures and Rules


1. First fold: this includes the people who are the closest to you such as the husband and the wife, their children, their parents if they live with them, and servants or slaves.

2. Central fold: this includes close relatives that have special claims upon each other and who move freely inside the family. These are those for whom marriage is forbidden, and hijaab is not required. (father in law, mother in law, etc.)

3. Simple fold: nursed kids

3. Outer fold: this includes the real extended family- paternal aunts, etc. nieces and nephews, etc., brother-in-laws

4. Collateral relatives- al hawaashi- the distant fold- your cousins and their children, (they get farther and farther away from you)

Rules: initiated through marriage and ends with divorce

The position of the man and woman- we believe that they were created different for their own unique roles.

Position of the man:

1) Overall supervision

2) The eldest male in extended family usually has the leadership role (because they get older and wiser and more appreciated.)

3) A mans major responsibility usually lies outside of the family. He has to make relationships with other families and so on (like the discipline of the family.)

Position of the woman:

1) The major responsibility is w/in the family itself.

2) The eldest woman is the center of family social organization. For example, if people want to get married, who gives the final word? The mother, or father? The mother...

3) She takes care of the social organization. With her age grows her value.

We are discussing even rights/responsibilities not equal rights/responsibilities.

3. Love, Marriage and Family Life

It is important to base marriage on love to have a very stable family life, but it doesn't mean a family can't be established without love. A family life needs a marriage. The role of love is to create emotionally stable beings for the family... the children will feel protected if their parents care for one another. Marriage is the only legal way to express love to a loved one.

4. The Family and Society

The family is very important in keeping the ummah together. Muslims always observe that the family should be based on deen. If a Muslim understands the role of the family in this community, then he'd understand how to be one step closer to the khilaafa. Islamic law came to protect the structure of the family.

The Structure of Family Law

1. Family law: The definition

The ahkaam (the rulings) of Fiqh that regulate the relationships with a man and his family starting with marriage and ending with a distribution of assets and inheritance.

2. The characteristics of Islamic law

a. Nobility of The Goal and The End: Man-made rules are called "the donkey of the authority." The Arabs (as most people) use the rules to suit them (they change them as they go,) but divine law is always fixed and firm. You cannot choose the laws of marriage (gay marriages are not to be accepted in Islam). Human beings should reform themselves in according to the law of Allah and not vice versa.

b. The Divine Inspiration: Allah inspired the Islamic law- doesn't He know His Creation? He knows what is the best for us, and when we talk about family law, it is a divine law, not something made by humans.

c. The Application of These Laws is an Act of Worship: when you believe what you are doing is right because Allah made it hal&#226;l for you, you will be rewarded for it.

d. Generalization and Comprehension of Laws- even family laws will regulate the relationships you have with everyone

3. The areas covered by Islamic family law:

- Marriage and its rulings

Anything related to marriage- the contract, dowry, etc. this class is all about this

- Separation forms and its rulings

Divorce, death, layaan- a man or woman accuses their wife/husband adultery w/o witnesses, they invoke the curse of Allah upon their spouse, khuluq

- Child Rights and its rulings

Child custody, children born outside wedlock

- Inheritance Law and its rulings

You can't excel the laws until someone dies~

History of Marriage

1. Marriage: the definition

In the past, the definition of marriage was agreed upon by all mankind. During the 21st century, they discussed it and they came up with:

1. a legal union between one man and one woman as husband and wife (don't acknowledge polygamy)

2. a set of cultural rules for bringing man and woman together to make a family unit

3. an ancient practice of taking a life time companion or long-term sexual and social partner

4. a civil contract between a man and a woman (nothing to do w/religion)

5. a man a woman legally living together as husband and wife

6. a legally recognized and/or socially approved arrangement between two or more individuals that carries certain rights and regulations and involves sexual activities

7. the only union that cannot be organized

8. agreement where man loses his bachelors and woman gets her masters

9. king and queen of same suit

10. what you really need after you no longer need personal freedom

2. The first marriage "Adam and Eve"

Marriage was first established when Allah created Adam and Hawa. He declared this marriage by saying, "uzkoon (live) in a jannah, you and your zawj (spouse)." He called Hawa the spouse of Adam, so it was acknowledged from the beginning of creation. Allah often refers to this relation as "Adam and his zawj." We don't know any of the details of this marriage. Allahu 'alam what happened at the party. Did they have intimate relations in Jannah (we do not know), because it's a common thing… but some say that they didn't because they didn't know of their private parts until after he ate from the tree (using the following ayah as proof: "the shaitaan whispered suggestions in order to reveal their shame that was hidden from them,") so when they ate from the tree, they realized the existence of their (bodies) and they covered themselves. Then Allah gave them the order on earth to establish a society. (Surah 'Araaf 7:20-27) The oldest family is Adam's, and his wife Hawaa's. This practice was handed down after Adam alayhi salaam too, but the marriage contracts all depended on culture, society, messages from Prophets, etc.

3. Marriage before Islam

- Marriage in ancient history

From the Firaun, we learn the constitution of Egyptians. Egyptians had marriage contracts, something like a dower, and they also had an inheritance law, etc. In Mesopotamia, from the rules of Hamaraabi, they had their own regulations. Not like Islamic laws, but their own, and so they did have some laws. Most had biases against men in their contracts of marriage.

- Marriage in other religions

Judaism: The marriage contract of Jews is almost the same as that of the Muslims, and they even call it nearly the same thing: "kitaab" and "kitbah." Allah (s.w.t.) says in the Qur'an "kitaabul? 'ajaala" in Surah Baqara. Their belief in guardians, witnesses, dower, and legal obligations are almost the same. It's pretty similar to the Islamic contract. The Jewish tradition is similar in that they call it a way of life, they have everything organized, they have etiquettes for all things.

Christianity: Musa (alayhi salaam) brought down laws but Isa alayhi salaam did not bring down things like regulations. Christian marriages suffered because of this. They followed the Jewish ways, and they couldn't think of anything except that it be done in the Church. The rules were sometimes v. strict (no divorce, no dowry, concept of family was not really emphasized.) Most Christian countries now have a city marriage, so they go do their wedding there and then they go to the church to get blessings (not to perform religious marriages.) Christians didn't have these etiquettes, but in Islam, we do.

- Marriage in the Arab Culture

A'isha (ra) mentioned the different types of marriage contracts.

Most of these look like zina. The most popular one was similar to the current Islamic one (the man proposes, the families discuss, accept, come together and issue a contract.)

In Arab traditions, people would exchange their daughters for one another, and in Islam that is haram. Al-Shigaar

Some had zina in groups~ the woman would just pick the father and that was legal. They would do group intercourse, after she gave birth, they'd call people who knew genealogy, and he'd pick the father. These are all forbidden in Islam today.

Hadith un nisaa~ the one of the 11 women who all speak of the manners of their husband. And Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) would say at the end, would you like me to be like Abu Zarr to Umm Zarr? She would reply, "Yes."

4. Polygamy or Monogamy?

Most of us were brought up in a system of monogamy. Because of this, we have inherited a prejiduce against plural wives. In many western depictions of Arab men, the westerners show the man. such as the butcher, (this is the Egyptian culture) who is married to many women. That is the typical stereotype given to polygamists~ that they are only people who are after their lusts and desires, but that is not true.


Polygamy: the condition or practice of having more than one spouse at one time (plural marriage); it includes a man married to more than one wife or a woman married to more than one husband

Polygyny: condition or practice of having more than one wife (not husbands) at one time

Polyandry: the condition or practice of having more than one husband at more one time

Polygyny is what is practiced in Islam. Is it practiced by other religions? In Judaism, it has been practiced for thousands of years, and until the past century, it was also practiced in Europe. It's permissible in the book of the Christians (because Dawud alayhi salaam had 100+ wives and Sulaiman alayhi salaam had 1,000+ in the Bible.) Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said one time, he'd (Dawud) have a relation with one hundred women to get a child and because he did not say "InshaAllah," he didn't get anything (exc. maybe one miscarriage from one wife). Allahu 'alam if it's practiced today with them. In Christianity, there is no mention of this in the Bible (New Testament.) The only church that does practice polygyny is the Mormons, and they go up to 9 wives. Recently, there was a case in court concerning a Mormon man married to 5 women and all five of his wives were forced away from him. Each and everyone of them wanted to stay with him.

Article ?, Section III, of the Constitution states that: there should be religious toleration and polygamy is forbidden and forever prohibited.

The Protestant/followers of the religion in the time of Martin Luther showed tolerance to plural marriages maybe because of the social/political factors of his church and they wanted to expand the church quickly.

If Adam (alayhi salaam) had only one wife, is the default for marriage to practice monogamy or polygyny? By practice, the default is one, but for other factors, polygyny is allowed. There is an argument among the scholars bout this default. The principle of tawheed~ marrying one.

5. Heterosexuality or Homosexuality?

The default is attraction to the opposite sex. Anything other than that is abnormal. For many generations after Adam (alayhi salaam) people lived practicing heterosexuality. The first time it was known was maybe 5,000-6,000 years ago at the time of Lut (alayhi salaam.) h was the contemporary of Ibrahim (alayhi salaam.) Allah mentions this clearly in the Qur'an. Allah says in Surah'Araf, 80-84 "And (We sent) Lut when he said to his people: What! do you commit an indecency which any one in the world has not done before you? Most surely you come to males in lust besides females; nay you are an extravagant people. And the answer of his people was no other than that they said: Turn them out of your town, surely they are a people who seek to purify (themselves). So We delivered him and his followers, except his wife; she was of those who remained behind. And We rained upon them a rain; consider then what was the end of the guilty..." People practiced this in China, too. The marriages would last a long time, and at the end, the older partner would help younger partner find a woman to help him settle down. It was also practiced in Africa. In Europe, it was close to the same practice as in China, and they made a legal marriage contract. A few countries that acknowledged this is Holland, the Netherlands, Belgium, Canadian provinces (Ontario, British Columbia), in the U.S. it's still under debate.

The problem with this type of contract is that it lacks the legal rights and obligations... do they have the same rights as husband and wives, are they allowed to adopt children? (As in the example of a court case recently where two men adopted a girl.)

Islam and Marriage

The Messenger of Allah salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam said: "... and I marry women. Therefore, one who shows disinterest in my Sunnah is not from (my true followers)."

When a group of people asked the wives of Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) about how he was, one person vowed he'd fast his whole life, one vowed that he would spend his whole nights in ibaadah, and one said he wouldn't get married. Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) got upset, because he's the role model and these people thought they were doing a better thing than he. SubhanAllah, the Prophet would fasts, break his fast, pray and sleep, and he married women (as in hadith above.)

1. The legal definition of marriage

Marriage is a contract between a man and a woman; which allows both to enjoy the person of one another, their cooperation, and (it) decides the rights of each and their obligations.

Marriage is a contract that results in the two parties enjoying each other in the manners and laws of the shari'ah.

Muhammad Abu Zahra, who was the author of a book on Islamic family law, stated that marriage is: that results in the man and woman living with each other and supporting each other within the limits of what has been laid down for them of rights and obligations."

Ibn 'Uthaimeen's definition: " It is a mutual contract between a man and a woman whose goal is for each to enjoy one another, become a pious family and a sound society."

The two words used in Arabic are "zawaaj" and "nikaah." The one used in the Qur'an is nikaah, and it has two meanings 1) the physical relationship between a man and a woman (intercourse), and 2) contract of marriage which makes the relationship lawful for them.

2. Preserving the 'Five Necessitates'- ad darawaat al khams (Anything in Islamic law came down to protect

a. faith: as shahaada, not to assimilate with non-Muslims; haraamaa: prohibited and capital punishment for apostacy (ar ridaa)

b. life: blood (ad damm)- prohibits killing/murder and physical abuse to anybody; also to make life prosperous for people; love

c. intellect: al 'aql- prohibiting the consumption of intoxicants

d. progeny: al nassal ad duriyya- marriage was prescribed and zina prohibited

e. wealth: money- prohibits abuse of money (wasting it), earning it from haraam resources (interest) and prescribes zakaah

3. The purpose of Marriage

Unfortunately when most of us get married, people don't know too much about marriage... Umar bin Khattaab would go to the market place and he'd throw people out if they didn't know what the meaning of different things were (Islamic law)... he'd make them go to the masjid first. That's dealing with money, what about dealing with other people, like our family, etc? It's more dangerous. So, people need to learn why they're getting married before they do get married.

1. Seeking the pleasure of Rasulullah (salAllahu alayhi wassalam)- because he was the one who would boast about the size of his ummah on the Day of Judgment; on the DOJ, he'll see a crowd coming, and he'll be happy and it'll be the ummah of Musa, then he'll see a larger crowd, (his) and he'll be very happy for it.

2. Pleasure- because Islam is the deen of the fitrah (nature); men have inclination towards women and women towards men and Islam came to satisfy both desires; Allah "it was adorned for men the love of this world such as women...." and by doing so, we fulfill that peace that Allah has promised us with. Some scholars ask why did Allah create Eve from the rib of Adam? That's why that rib will always be shaky and unstable until it gets back to its origin... something is always missing until you meet the other part. (The man represents the whole body, while the woman only represents one rib. In size the comparison is vast, but in strength and purpose/status/importance, they are equal.)

3. Children- people today are not ready for these things... they only do these things for pleasure, and they see children as a burden, and relieve their frustrations out on them. Allah calls children zeenatul hayaatad duniya (decoration and adornment of this life for the believers.)

4. Seeking the intercession from the righteous child- if a righteous child is left behind after one dies, then they will ask for your intercession and Allah will relieve your punishment for you, they will even intercede for you on teh DOJ. If Allah blesses you with three girls, and you take care of them and raise them in a modest way, Allah will screen you from Jahanum because of them

5. Protection- helps protect your gaze and from az-zinaa (do this before marriage too!)

6. To free some time in your life without the responsibilities of this life- how do you get more time? If you are responsible right now for things inside and out the house... then, you'll have some of that relieved. and by distributing these jobs, you'll find more peace in and out the house.

7. Mujahaadatun nafs- beating the hardships of bringing up a righteous family; you as a husband need to be patient with the wife/children/work until you die; you as the wife need to be patient with being involved with a man who might be so nice but sometimes so harsh, taking care of children, sometimes it's almost impossible, avoid haram

Disadvantages of marriage:

1. inability to maintain the rights and responsibilities of the spouse: some men go out and because they fail in their jobs, etc. they're stressed out, and the man may explode, etc. or a woman maybe can't take care of her husband too well

2. distraction from ibaadah: not being able to go to taraweeh because of children; but it is possible, you can do these things at home (for both men and women)

3. being unable to support the family in a lawful way so they create excuses to earn money the haraam way: working in a bank, getting loans to buy houses, etc.

4. The ruling of Marriage

1. Fard: if a person feels certain that he will commit sin if they do not marry and they are financially capable of marriage, they MUST get married (even the eye can do zina~ you shouldn't watch or look at things either!);

2. W&#226;jib *obligatory*- if a person has the ability to marry and treat his wife properly and fears strong probablilty that he will engaged in unlawful acts if he doesn't this is wajib on him

3. Haram: if the person doesn't have the financial/physical means to marry and is certain he cannot treat his wife properly, then it becomes haram on him

4. Makruh: if a person has the means to marry (financially/physically) but feels strongly he cannot treat his wife properly, then it is makruh (ex: a person who travels a lot, or someone who only comes home once in a while)

5. Mustahab: if a person has the means to marry, and has no fear of mistreating his wife or committing unlawful things, then it is mustahab, even if he doesn't marry he doesn't have the fear of committing haram (he has the religious belief and taqwa)

What would the ruling be according to the Dhaahiree madhab? Because of ibn hazm... wajib because Allah says: marry (ankihu) if you have the financial ability, get married even if you feel you may mistreat your wife, you still must (Nur: 32-33)

For the WOMEN: same as for women ....

5. Marriage as an act of worship

Is marriage and act of worship or not?

Shafi- says it's not, and that its a contract (act of the duniya)

Majority- say it is an act of worship~ because Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) even said when you satisfy yourself, it's charity, and that is an act of; Allah made man khalifa on earth (Surah Baqarah)

Some scholars didn't get married because they kept saying later and the later never came, b/c of their passion of knowledge, they had female slaves, meaning they didn't have to get married, but they could practice the act of marriage, and to slaves, the same responsibilities don't go.

6. The different categories of marriage

The definition of legal marriage: Marriage is a contract between a man and a woman, which allows both to enjoy the person of one another. It is their cooperation and understanding of the rights of each other and their obligations."

- Qatada -
12-12-2006, 07:08 PM

Chapter 3:

'In the Pursuit of Virtue: The Rules of Betrothal

In Islam, selecting the spouse is very important. People date, find matrimonials, etc. That's the khitbah system (promise of proposal/of marriage in the future).

"There is no blame on you if ye make an offer of betrothal or hold it in your hearts." Al Baqarah 2:235

Sometimes you may feel affection for someone. It could be someone in your community, or really anyone. These feelings are natural and you cannot suppress or deny them. How you act on them is what will be accounted for. Allah says to propose if you want to make something of it, or keep it in your heart until a better time.

Engagement and Proposal

1. Definition of the legal engagement

Proposal: (according to the Islamic law)- expressing ones desire to marry a specific woman by informing her wali, whether expressed directly or by his representative.

Khitbah- betrothal- a process starting with the proposal (sometimes direct, sometimes in the heart.) If he is sincere and serious about her, he has the right to look at her, like Jaabir did. Muhammadd bin Maslama also looked at a woman while she was working in the field, his friend asked him how he could do such a thing while he was a companion of the Prophet. He said, "I heard the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) saying if Allah gives this to you, and you want to propose, you should look." If you know she's not engaged or not interested in engagement with someone else, and you are satisfied with what you see, then propose.

Is a woman proposing to a man a khitbah? Not technically, because even if she likes him, the proposal always comes from the man, but it could be initiated by the woman. A man can marry a woman through a direct approach or by asking through her wali.

2. Legal status of the engagement

In his tafsir, Ibn Kathir said that Allah explains that the khitbah (proposal) in Surah Baqarah: aya 235. A woman in her iddah can still be proposed to (not directly) but in a subtle way.

Al Mugheerah bin Shuba came to the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) and he told him that he had proposed to a woman to get married to her, so the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) asked, "Did you see her?" He replied, "no." The Prophet asked him why he hadn't looked at her. Then he told him to look at her because "It's strong possibility it will last longer between the two of you."

The Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said, "If someone gives a betrothal (wants to propose), if he could go and see from her what will encourage him to marry her, then he should do it." Jaabir gave us the interpretation: so I proposed to a woman from Bani Salamah and I used to hide from her (behind trees/houses) to see her until he was satisfied to get married to her. He did this after he proposed to her, not while he was merely thinking of it.

3. The wisdom behind the engagement

1. To get familiarly acquainted with the person you are proposing to- the couple can speak so long as they are under supervision. If there was no supervision, then they'd go on like Romeo and Juliet . The two can discuss rationality, something serious, or whatever as long as it's under supervision.

2. Second hand info can be illusive- to get first-hand or clear-cut judgment of the prospective spouse is the best. When 'Amr bin al'Aas was in the Battle of Qaadisiyya, he sent many delegations to talk to the other armies. Then, he himself dressed up as his own envoy to go speak to the leader of the other army. Everyone wanted to hear him, and even the opposing army leader said if this is not the ameer and he's so strong, I want to kill him.

3. To get an idea of physical appearance and attraction- some people make it difficult on themselves, so when the man wants to see the lady, she keeps looking down, or then the guy is shy. However, this is the time they can look freely and legally. This is to see if they can get attracted to one another. In the past, old women would sometimes bring nuts and ask the proposing woman to break the nuts (to test her teeth )

4. The categories of the engagement

1. Explicit- using the word khitbah directly, as in, "we would like to propose," or you mention their name

2. Elicit- you show interest and not propose directly. This apeopleies especially in the case of a widow or a woman in her final iddah period. One can indirectly propose by sending chocolates or offering their services. Allah made it lawful specifically for the widow and a woman in her final divorce, because after the death of her husband, the woman may feel insecure and scared. However, by letting them know, at least you are securing them somewhat about their futures.

Some people, like Ibn 'Abaas say that one can say, "I would like a righteous wife, etc" without saying "you."

5. The effect of the engagement

-Is it considered a marriage contract?

No it's just a promise of marriage, so it doesn't carry the legality of the marriage contract. In this status, the two parties are:

1. Still non-mahram- they cannot sit alone, etc.

2. Not allowed for both parties to see what is unlawful for them- the woman must still observe full hijab

3. Both can revoke their words- the man or woman can be disinterested and then break off the engagement

4. No one else can propose for her in that time- if he was given the "yes" but asked to wait for a while for the technicalities, even if they haven't fulfilled the agreement with the official contract, no one else can propose for her at that time.

6. Unlawful engagement proposals

- Proposing to a married woman

Some people are very eager, and because of the tendency of them to mix together, people start to like married people! This is strictly HARAM. Being a married woman means that the contract has been done, even though the consummation has not been fulfilled. If both parties are under the contract, they are married, and with the consummation, their bond is even stronger.

- Proposing to a woman in her waiting period

This includes a lady in her final divorce or a widow, because legally she is still considered married or holds that status until that waiting period is over. The waiting period doesn't dissolve the marriage unless it's the final divorce.

- Proposing to a woman over another proposal

If one lady has a proposal from a man, if they say "we'll think about it", then at this point, another proposal is still allowed. But once it has been finalized, then nobody can propose.

What if someone does something like this? Although it is haram, the marriage will be completely acceptable and halal, because the khitbah is just a promise, it's not a contract.

Conditions of a Prospective Bride

1. To be free from any legal prohibitive

Means that she should not to be of his unmarriageable kin (mahram). In some cultures and societies it is not allowed. Nowadays people do it illegally and they used to have it done legally in the past as well. The old pagan ideology is that the one who plants the field should be able to harvest it, but in Islam it is haram.

2. To be free from any other engagement

Whether she is married or in her waiting period, both fall under this category.

Characteristics of a Prospective Spouse

1. Desirable Characteristics in a Bride

The following characteristics need to be considered because marriage is beyond the physical characteristics only.

"A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property, her status, her beauty, and her religion; so try to get one who is religious, may you be blessed."

Try to get a religious girl. Some people that think if someone is religious, they should not look for beauty or the pleasure of this life, but rather that the religious person will only be there to fulfill worship, etc. However, along with religion, you should also find in them the other three qualities! Once a religious man found his mom asking him why looks were important if he was religious, and therefore "not interested" in such things. If you think you'll find the suitable match who's completely perfect, then you're dreaming... take out that perfect image. (*It's not fair to over expect from them*)

What qualities do you look for?:

1. Religion and Good Manners- The Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said that she should be of religion and good manners

2. Fertile and Affectionate or Kind-hearted- (an Taquna Waludan Wadudan)- look at her family to find out if she's fertile or not

3. Preference of a Maiden- if it's a first-time marriage, the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam)'s recommendation to Jaabir was that she be a maiden. He was once with the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) in a military expedition and he saw Jaabir going faster. Jaabir told the Prophet that he had just gotten married, and the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) asked quietly, "Did you marry a maiden?" Jaabir replied in the negative. He said, "I married a widow." The Prophet asked, "Why didn't you marry a maiden so you could play with her and chase her around the house, etc." When his father died, there were 9 girls he left behind, so he didn't want his wife to be the 10th, he wanted her help with his sisters. With that, the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) replied, "JazakAllahu" ("May Allah reward your marriage." and He did

4. To be content- she should not be very involved in the worldly stuff. So long as she has decency and is grateful for all she has, then that is good. If she is not content, she may give him a hard time.

5. Good lineage- seeking a noble descent- some cultures don't mind what lineage the person is, but the thing is, your children will have her parents, your brothers and sisters will be their aunts and uncles. Sometimes marrying non-Muslims does this too, because they share same rights with your children.

6. Beauty- remember words of Ibn Hazm. People define beauty in different ways. What is inferior to you may be superior to another. Here, we mean physical beauty not beauty of the soul.

7. Age- it's preferred for the woman to usually be younger than the man. This is not a commercial quality, because of the example of the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) and Khadija (radiAllahu anhu.) But, this will help keep their attachment (because women sometimes lose their desire faster.)

8. The easy dowry- khitbatal maher- - in some countries, the issue is such a big deal. It can be kept really simple, because some people get married for a promise only that they go for Hajj. Some get married for a prayer rug, or that they want their spouse to memorize a Surah You don't want to buy them with your maher.

2. Desirable Characteristics in a Groom

The Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) also recommended for the wali to look for a religious man.

"If somebody comes to you and you are pleased with his character and religion, then marry him. If you do not, there will be discord/turmoil on earth and widespread corruption." Ibn Majah

People keep pursuing their education until they graduate, so the girls wait till their PhD first and then they have to wait even longer for their husbands to get their jobs, etc. Then they end up getting married at like 31! If you are thinking of marriage, just do it, or else you'll create a big problem for yourself and your society.

Anybody who insists on fisq (disobedience) should not get married (you shouldn't give a disobedient man to your daughter.) If this person chooses to marry his daughter to a man like this, then he has made an evil decision, and he may cause for himself to cut the ties and bonds of the family because of that.

A man asked Hasan ibn 'Ali, "I have a girl, to whom shall I marry her?" He said, "If you are giving her in marriage, then give her to someone who fears Allah, because if he loves her, he will be so generous to her, but if he hates her, he will not do injustice to her."

3. Importance of Piety and Righteousness

a. In the bride-

b. In the groom-
Selecting a Prospective Spouse

1. Preference of a relative or a non-relative?

In this culture, the preference is of non-relatives. Here, marrying a cousin/relative is a problem, but sometimes it's better to marry someone who is related and sometimes it is not. The Prophet married both.

Relatives- Zainab bint Jasht, who was his first cousin, the daughter of Safiya bint Abdul Muttalib





Non-Muslims- Mariyah who was a Christian and Safiyyah, who was a Jew.

One should select their wives carefully, because sometimes due to lineage, there could be hereditary diseases that pass on to the children. It doesn't really have to do with family or relatives, it depends on society in general, but the chances in of these diseases in same-relative marriages MAY be stronger, or maybe not.

Benefits of marrying relatives:

1. Strengthening permanent ties

2. Better chance to get an early marriage because it's easier for them because they will agree quicker, etc. and trust it more

3. Releases psychological pressure- you already know the family so you don't have to initiate the relationships

4. You confine/keep the wealth of the family inside the family

2. Set up family marriages, is it allowable?

These usually happen among relatives and sometimes with close friends, etc. In some cultures, when people are marrying their cousins, some Arabs say they have the right to ask for their girl cousins even if they were riding the horse to their husbands' houses. That's culture, but Islamically, it is haram.

It is permissible to arrange those types of marriages and there are two forms:

1. Celibate marriage- they perform a contract from the beginning, but they cannot consume the marriage until they reach a responsible age. This is usually done in rural areas because they are not required to finish their education there. If the girl wants, she has the right to ask for the cancellation of marriage even if the marriage has been consummated, and she has had children. The children are still both the parents children.

2. Directly consummated marriage-

3. Engagement by commissioning

If you live in this country and you have relatives elsewhere, and they look for a wife or husband for you, it is permissible. If you give them a description and they find it for you, then it is okay, and it is permissible. They can perform the marriage on your behalf.

4. Why is dating Haram?

We have this culture of experiencing the love in order to get married because we still have a material understanding of love.

The problem with dating is:

1. It leads to khalwa, because it leads to being in privacy with a non-mahram person

2. If it involves unlawful acts, it is also haram

3. It leads to illusive passions, even in accordance to westerners who are against these marriages (back 60-70 years ago, dating was not common here) because people were more conservative. They know that you aren't attracted to them because of the person, but it's because of the adventure that comes with them.

4. Exhausting their emotions before they get married. Some people date for two or four years or more than five years, and they live together (by law it's called common-law-marriage, they date and have kids, and then they get married.) If you're married you'll always continue to revive those passions.

5. Protecting the progeny and reputation- in some Muslim cultures, it's very important to protect the reputation and honor of the family in order to help protect the progeny as well (Islamically.)

5. Matrimonial services, what is the ruling?

This is allowed as long as it is performed in the correct etiquette (no pictures, names to expose people in public, etc. unless you're speaking to individuals.)

6. The engagement ring

For men: gold is haram, but all other rings are allowed.

For women: gold is allowed.

For both: engagement rings are haram.

Why do people put rings on their ring fingers? It goes back to a religious or a church practice. When a husband came with the ring, they would say in the name of the father, son, and Holy Spirit, and then slip the finger into their "wedding" finger. It is a very bad bid'ah or innovation. According to their custom, putting the ring in the right hand symbolizes engagement, while the left hand symbolizes marriage.
The Procedure of Selecting a Bride

Sometimes a man selects a woman by liking her and then being sincere. If he's neither serious nor sincere, then he shouldn't even go near it! If a man is ready and can do it, then do so, inshaallah.

1. The role of female family members

Living in the west, this role sometimes becomes difficult. Oftentimes, the mother looks at the girl, and she tells her son, and then they go ahead with it. Ladies find girls in public places, masaajid, through friends, and relatives, etc. Usually when women go to see the bride, they are looking for: physical appearance, because the man is not yet allowed to see her, so she dresses up for them in jewelry and with her hair done, make up, etc.

2. Direct proposal to a female, is it allowable?

If he is interested in her, can he ask her directly? There is no evidence that prohibits that except the general concept of modesty. If this happened, then the agreement would come from the wali, and so that is probably much better (to speak to wali instead.) Allah says. "and do not make a secret contract with them unless you speak to them in an honorable way."
The Procedure of Selecting a Groom

1. The right of the woman to select her prospective husband

Is a woman allowed to tell her father that she likes someone? Yes, she can ask her father to inquire about him, even though culture forbids that. There is nothing Islamically wrong with that, because in the Prophets seerah, a woman came to him and asked for him and he wasn't interested, so another man proposed to her instead and she said okay and he had no dowr so he looked around and when he couldn't find anything, the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) asked, "not even a steal ring?" The man said, "No, I don't have anything except my loin cloth." The Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) then asked him how much Qur'an he had memorized, so he said, "This surah, and this surah," and then the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said, "I marry her to you with the Qur'an that you have memorized."

2. Offering ones female family member to a righteous person

This is when a man goes to propose for his daughter (to another man.) This is encouraged if one is proposing for a relative. The evidence is the example of Hafsa bint Umar bin Khattaab. He first went to Uthman bin 'Afaan, and said, "I have my daughter Hafsa if you're interested" but he wasn't, and so he went to Abu Bakr, but he did not answer. He then received a proposal from the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) for Hafsa and Abu Bakr came back and said, "I heard the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) talking bout proposing to Hafsa, that's why I waited to see if he would propose or else I would have said yes." This shows that you can talk to your friends and fathers and mothers about it, but get advice from people who can give you good advice, not someone with prejudice.

The khalifah of Madinah proposed for the daughter of Sa'eed ibn Musayyib and he said no, so he went to his students?

Imam al Kathani wrote a book called, "Badaa uth Thunaana," a book in the Hanafi madhab. 'Alaa ud deen's wife's name was Fatima. At Tuhfa was a book in the Hanafi madhab as well. Fatima was the daughter of a scholar and she had memorized the Tuhfa. She studied most of his books with her father, and he was so impressed by his student and his daughter was from Shaam, so she was very beautiful, and so he gave his daughter to his student (al Kasaani) and he loved her so much that people said that he put a commentary on his Tuhfah and the dowry was the book. When she died and when she was buried, he visited her every Friday in the evening and he made du'a for her and then he'd go back until he died. He wanted to be buried next to her, and their graves were known as "the grave of the woman and her husband."

3. Direct proposal to a man, is it allowable?

We mentioned that this happened to the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam). Bukhari tells us the story of 'Anas in his Sahih. He had a daughter, and someone asked him if it's okay, 'Anas replied in the affirmative upon which is daughter said, "Oh my! She's modest, how could she do something like that?" He said, "She's better than you, because she had that interest in a man like the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) and that's why she proposed to him." The chapter in which Bukhari tells us of this matter is called "A Woman Proposing Herself For a Righteous Man"
Looking at the Opposite Sex

1. The ruling of lowering ones gaze

Allah says in Surah Nur: 30-31 "Say to the believing men that they should lower their gaze and ... Say to the believing women they should lower their gaze..." Looking at the opposite sex is not allowed unless it is for a legal matter. People should lower their gaze when a person of the opposite sex passes by them. When dealing with affairs, you don't have to look in their eyes or stare at their faces directly, you should do it in a modest way.

The issue of sight came up in Kiblis Iblis by Ibn Jawzee, as well as in every other book by a scholar. Allah knows the betrayal of the eye and what the heart conceals- this is the person that lowers his gaze when someone is passing, but they look when nobody else can see. That is not allowed. Not guarding your sight leads to more haram. Imam Ibn Qayyim said, "It starts like the fire (the huge fires start with a spark) and haram starts with an innocent look." The gaze follows these steps: 1. Nada- the look, 2. Khatra- intentions/motives, 3. Khutwa- a next step or action, or obsession, 4. Lufara- words, or using the tongue. The Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said, "I did not leave behind a fitna more dangerous than women for men." A man once asked the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) about the sudden look (accidental haram) and the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said, "Take your sight away, don't look." (Muslim) 'Ali ibn Taalib said the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said, "Ya 'Ali, don't follow the look with another look, for the first one will be counted for you but the second will be counted against you." Don't even extend the first look.

Why must we still not look when a person is fully covered? What is the point of that? There may be the occurrence of some circumstances that happen beyond our control, like opening door, blowing of the wind, etc. Men should lower their gaze and make it a practice. In a culture like this, people must try extra hard to do so. The Companions of the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) would guard their gazes to the extreme, in that they would turn their faces, put their heads down, and close their eyes when women passed by so much so that women would think they were blind, and they would say "Au'zu billahi min 'Amr" (blindness.)

What about women? They should lower their gaze and guard their modesty, but this ruling is easier on women than men. We learn this from the hadith of when A'isha looked over at the children playing in the Masjid until she was satisfied. The scholars interpreted this as: men get attracted by sight and get tempted faster than women, and for women, if a man does the same (showing off) they often don't care. A man, on the other hand, will be impressed/moved by any subtle thing that a woman does. lol. That's why our culture uses women to target men, because they know how quick men react to these things. Women look for seriousness, commitment, and they want to be impressed but you don't impress them in the same way.

The benefits of lowering ones gaze can be found in Ibn Qayyim's book. For instance, there is the example of how one should look at or act with scholars. In the Sunnah, we find that the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) gave aside one day a week in which all the women would gather at one house and then he (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) would address them. Sometimes they would ask very private questions. A'isha radi Allahu anhu told us about once when an Ansaari woman (of whom would not feel any bashfulness in the case of deen) kept insisting on asking the Prophet how to clean the blood of her menses. The Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) felt shy, so he replied to her, "SubhanAllah just purify yourself with it." When she kept insisting, A'isha then took her to the side and explained it out to her.

There can be men and women gathered together so long as it is not a free mixing, and it is with full respect and on an equal mental level. We find this in the Sunnah of A'isha (radi Allahu anhu.) A'isha radi Allahu anhu would speak behind a hijaab to the men and sometimes Abu Hurayrah would sit there and tell others to ask their matters to the ladies of the house of Rasulullah. She would even inquire and ask about him to refute his answers if she was praying and she heard him give a wrong answer to others. She was also part of the army that went to Iraq to fight for the blood for

Uthman, and the people followed her. In this sense, it is allowed, but with FULL respect. If the men or women exceed the limits, then new rules come down. Umar bin Khataab said, "When people invent new things for us then we will make new laws for them." For example, in some countries like Saudi, women cannot drive cars and in the time of the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam), women would ride camels by themselves. They made these rules for a reason, and not driving cars is not the prohibition in Islam, however if one transgresses, it becomes necessary to place restrictions on the people.

2. The 'Awrah' of a non-Mahram man

Awrah has no specific translation except possibly "shame" or "private parts" or the "legal part that needs to be covered."

Majority of the Scholars- believe that the awrah is from the naval to the knees

Malikis and Hanbalis- say that thighs are not part of the awrah

Ibn Taymiyyah- says that thighs are not part of the awrah unless the man is young

3. The 'Awrah' of a non Mahram woman

There is an agreement on all of the body except with a disagreement on the face and hands

4. Awrah of members of the same sex

Majority of the Scholars: navel (waist) to her knees (with Muslim women). This is generally speaking- when there are no other circumstances that nullify it. For instance, if uncovering the awrah can cause fitnah, then it is not permissible, or if a woman is not trustworthy and she'll talk about her beauty etc. then it's also not allowed.

5. Awrah of a Muslim woman in front of non-Muslim woman

In Surah Nur- the word used is "their" women. Some interpret this as meaning "Muslims" while others believe it means women in general. Those that say it implies that a woman can only remove her hijab in front of Muslim women cite the evidence of Umar (radi Allahu anhu) who would prohibit women from going into public bathrooms with non-Muslim women. This is because non-Muslims may go and speak out about them. However, some non-Muslims may be even more trustworthy than Muslim women, so as long as they are trustworthy women, then a woman can remove her hijab in front of them, and if they are NOT trustworthy women, whether Muslim or not, she should not remove her hijaab. However, to be on the safe side, she should just try to cover more just because it's hard to tell who is trustworthy and who is not.

6. Awrah of a male and female Mahram

A woman in front of her Mahrams: this is based on the custom of that culture. As the ayah says, "show their zeena." Usually, women put zeena on their feet, wrists, neck, ears, etc. and nowadays it's also the bellybutton- so no, they cannot show their zeena. Women are allowed to cover anywhere below their knees, and show up to elbows, as well as the neck in front of her Mahram's. If it causes fitnah, then she still must cover it. In general, modesty should be applied but in regular times, a woman should be more protective of her awrah. Some customs allow showing up to shoulders, but it is not recommended because the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said once kids reach the age of about 10, then they have to use different blankets to sleep under (they cannot sleep in the same area), and therefore, they probably have to cover the area of their shoulders as well.

7. Awrah in front of children

When children reach the age of puberty, then full hijab is absolutely necessary. It is not needed for those children that cannot tell the difference between men and women. When they start to recognize the characteristics, even if they are 5 years old, and are underage, then it's okay to just keep the same awrah like the one between women and women. The way to tell that they recognize the awrah is when they make jokes, etc.

8. Exemptions?

Ulul Irbah- are those who have no ability to have desire or cannot tell the difference between men and women. A'isha had one of these people, and he was sitting with A'isha. The Prophet came in and asked who he was, upon which he was explaining a woman of Taa'if, saying "When she goes, she does this, and when she comes back, she does that," so he told A'isha that she cannot uncover herself in front of him anymore.
The Rulings of Hijab

"O Prophet! Tell they wives and daughters, and the believing women, that they should cast their outer garments over their persons (when abroad): that is most convenient, that they should be known (as such) and not molested. And Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful." (Al Ahzab 33:59)

Surah Nur: 30-31 also entail the details of hijaab

1. Hijab: The definition

Hijab: a collection of legal rulings and etiquette's which regulate the relationship between man and woman who are not related to each other.

Most people think that it means to cover the zeena and the flesh. The actual meaning is not limited to the physical covering of the body. Some resources say that the hijaab is covering the body in front of non-Mahram people, however it is more than just covering face, hands, etc. So many women wear the scarf but they are not really muhajjabaat- they don't even pray, or fast, or they may violate many of the rules of Hijab.

2. Hijab: Islamic or religious injunction?

It is a religious practice, and it's not only an Islamic practice. In the Jewish custom/tradition, the women used to practice it very long ago, but the women in their religious community today look almost like Muslims. In Christianity, Mariam (as) has never been portrayed without the Hijab- she was brought up as a Jew, and the custom of the Hijab carried on through to Christianity until just recently when they started really evolving their practices. Today, Christians wear the scarf sometimes when they go to church. If you ask any nun, she will tell you that she dresses that way because she's "devoting herself to God," so with Muslims, it's the same concept. The Amish still observe Hijab or modesty. Islam shares the same source as these religions, so some of these regulations also apply to Muslim women too. If Christians ever question you about the Hijab, then you can tell them it is a practice of their own religions. If we see women in feminist movement in the 1920's, they had also completely covered themselves in the matter of their dress (they weren't asking for liberation of their bodies, because they liked the way they dressed.) They figured the dress was inconvenient (whilst working *work~ not really an Islamic woman's role is what caused fitnah in the dress of women*), as well as their hair. A'isha (radi Allahu anhu) only cut her hair short to her shoulders after the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) died (because she felt no need to show her zeena to anyone else after him.)

3. Purpose and reason

1. Avoiding the practice of the jaahiliya- as Allah mentioned in the Qur'an, "Do not go out exposing yourself the way women of jaahiliya would do."

2. Purification of the soul- we learn that if we need to ask the women something, we should ask them from behind a hijab, because it is more purifying for them and for you. There is a difference between women with Hijab and those without Hijab- the nature of Hijab sends messages that the lady isn't interested, so stay away. Ladies who wear the Hijab in this society are also mujahidaat because it's hard to do in this society. A woman cannot hide her identity in Hijab, she openly lets people know that she is Muslim. (*it is almost disgusting to think of the way people dress nowadays... and that men may even actually like it.*)

3. Protection- to be known and not harmed or molested

4. Modesty- when women reach the age of menopause, they often have no interest in marriage anymore, so Allah gives them permission to ease their Hijab (in public, etc.) However, for them to be modest is even better for them.

4. Proofs and evidences

Both Surah Nur and Surah Ahzab have evidence. When ayatul Hijab were revealed, the women of the Ansaar started to ask each other for covers so that they could wear the Hijab before returning home from the masjids.

5. Rulings of legal apparels

The Hijab is to:

1. Cover- (in abundance) the whole body.

2. Be Loose- doesn't stick to the body.

3. No specific Color/pattern- it just depends on the culture. However, it shouldn't be so bright that it attracts the eyes. People start wearing their Hijab with style, and it just attracts more attention. The eyes are already attracted to Hijab, because it is not common, so making it fancy defeats its purpose of Hijab.

Feet are also part of Hijab.

6. Ruling of Niqab 'face cover'

Based on the judgment of hadith of Asma, where the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said, "Oh Asma don't you know that everything should be covered except the face and hands" sheikh Yaser believes it is sound, so he allows the uncovering of face and hand, however he recommends that we read both peoples opinions (Hijaaz and al Albaani.) Sheikh Yaser personally thinks that covering the face and hands is part of Hijab because it was the custom among many Muslim nations (in history.) Even in different, distant, various-sect-following countries, Muslim women practiced the same ruling- these countries included Turkey, Belgium, Bosnia, Pakistan, India, Indonesia and more. The Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) also told women that wearing niqaab is not allowed if they are in the state of ihraam, meaning if they are out of state of ihram, then they should have it, wa Allahu 'Alam.

7. Legal age of Hijab

The age of puberty

8. What is the male legal dress code?

Their dress code is not called a Hijab, but rather, it is a code of modesty. They should cover their awrahs and to the Sheikh personally, tucking shirts is not recommended. Men cannot have their pants go below their ankles, they should grow a beard, and not wear the dress of showing off. Showing off doesn't automatically mean the western dress, it could also be showing off wearing the eastern gowns. They are to avoid silk and gold~ pure silk is not allowed, if it is a percentage, then the ratio should be less than about 5%. The Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) allowed it around the collars and sleeves if someone was allergic to other materials. Fake silk is okay. The dress of a man should not to imitate the dress of women (in color, pattern, design and so on)- What determines this? Customs
Looking at One's Propsective Bride

1. The legal ruling

It is highly recommended (mustahab) by the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) to look at the prospective bride. Mugheerah and Jaabir both were told and encouraged to go see the ladies by the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam.) Imam Qaadiriyaat says that it is disliked to see her, but all the other imam's agree that it is recommended. However, looking for no legitimate reason is not allowed, and in that case, the man should lower his gaze.

2. The reason of permissibility

Looking is permissible because it promotes attraction. At first, men were only allowed to see the face and hands (because the face gives the general idea of beauty of the body and the hands help tell how soft she is.) If she is present in front of women, she can uncover more.

3. The eligible time for looking

Is it after the proposal or before?

Shafi- before. He says that when you make the genuine intention, then you can go see her, without her noticing you. He uses the evidence of the hadith of Jaabir who said he had the intention of proposing to the lady so that is why he would go and hide to see her. He also married her, because he said he had intention of proposing.

4. The condition of permissibility

The real intention is what is the condition. Only Allah and you know your real intention, though.

5. The procedure

Is her permission needed? No. If you have the real intention to propose, then you can go and see her. If a lady wants to propose to a man, then she can do the same thing.

Maliki- he should seek her permission first (propose first) and then ask to see her.

Shafi- he can see her before her permission to save her embarrassment if it did not work out.

6. The allowable amount

1. Majority- face and hands only, which means if he was going to see her secretly, he shouldn't look while she's doing something private. (This also means that using cameras, etc. is haram.) If he needs to find out more, he should ask females to do that, and if he accidentally sees more, he should lower his gaze.

2. Hanafi- face, hands and feet

3. Ahmad Hanbali- what usually is revealed during daily activities. This includes things like the face, neck, hands, feet, head, and legs (not thighs.) He uses the hadith of Jaabir as evidence.

4. Imam az Zaahid- the flesh that is generally seen. He can see her even if she's in Hijab.

5. Dhaahiriyaa- everything

7. The allowable duration

How long should he keep going after her? To seek her out, etc.? This all depends according to custom. According to the custom- whatever it will take to encourage him to propose to her.

8. The number of times

Same as above (there is no specific number.)
Questionable Ways of Looking

1. Sneak a Peak

Not allowed~ you can't look from their house, etc.

2. Hidden Cameras

Not allowed~ this is considered transgressing.

3. Looking at a Picture

If someone sends a picture, it is okay if you have the intention for proposal. The Sheikh personally believes that you can't make a decision like marriage by just looking at pictures.

4. Looking through the internet

If there is supervision from the wali on the other side (with the woman,) it might be okay, but this is a very controversial issue (because people could be on the other side recording, etc.) and especially because the person is still new to you.

5. Being in privacy without a Mahram

Not allowed~ to go out to dinner, etc. After the proposal, and giving the word, this is khitbah, which is the promise to marry the woman. This is not a legal marriage, so he cannot go in private with her without her Mahram (who must be a mature adult, who is not corrupted ~ this does not include her mother, or sister or friends.)

6. Being alone in a public place without a Mahram

Khalwaah (seclusion)- being alone in a public place without a Mahram is legally considered as seclusion. This is not as bad as the khalwaa in perfect privacy. If two people are engaged and in khitbah, and they go out together without her Mahram, even if they were never alone during the whole time, that still doesn't validate this type of seclusion.

7. Setting up a casual situation without her knowledge

If one considers the hadith of Jaabir, it could be okay, but if he wants to propose, it should be with the full permission from the wali.

The Betrothals of the Prophet (salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam)

1. Umm Al Mu'mineen A'isha

She was the most beloved to him as related to us in Bukhari. The Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) told A'isha, "One time I saw you in my dream, and I saw the angels. They brought you to me in a cover (made of pure silk) and Jibra'eel said, 'This is your wife', and so I tried to uncover your face and I saw your face. Then I said, 'If this is the command of Allah, it will come true.'" The Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) proposed for her through her father. When the time came to see her, she was about 7 years old. When he asked Abu Bakr to see her, Abu Bakr said, "I will send her to you at home so you can see her and you can tell me what you think." Abu Bakr told her to carry some dates to him, to let him taste it and see how it tastes. She already understood what was going on, and then he said, "Tell your father, mash Allah, tell your father your dates are so sweet." That was the proposal from the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam.) Their marriage contract was fulfilled when she was 7, but the consummation was at 9 in Madinah when she was capable of it.

2. Umm Al Mu'mineen Hafsa bintu Umar

She was the wife of Khunays ibn Hudhaafa as Sahmi. When Hafsa was out of her iddah for being a widow, Umar (radi Allahu anhu) first went to Uthman (his best friend) to ask him if he was interested. Look how good they were at ties. He said, "I'm offering Hafsa to you," and Uthman replied, "Just give me some time." He thought for a couple of days, but he said he's okay (and not interested.) 'Umar then went to Abu Bakr and he proposed for her, but Abu Bakr remained silent. Umar felt offended, but then he heard the proposal from The Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) and he was very happy. Then Abu Bakr went back to Umar, and said, "Ya Umar, remember when you asked me, I heard the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) mention her to me, and By Allah, if the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) did not propose to you, I would have done so myself. If someone has the intention to propose to someone, and if that person needs sincere advice, and you trust them, then it is okay.

Umar bin Khataab was her wali.

3. Umm Al Mu'mineen Umm Salama, Hindh bintu Abi Umayya ibnul Mugheera

Was first married to Abu Salama who was a very righteous man and a companion to the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam.) After his death, she felt so sad, because she loved him so much, and she felt she'd never get anybody better than him in her whole life. (If you die, and you leave your wife behind, what do you think your wife will say about you, SubhanAllah or Alhamdulillah? lol) She made the du'a that Allah and the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) recommended in Surah Baqarah (inna lillah wa inna ilayhi ra'jiun~ Allahummajurni fi museebatin wa ?).

Umar was also her wali. Some say it was Umar, her son, who was 7 years old at the time. Some doubt that. It could have been Umar bin Khataab, because of tribal relationship with her.

When the Prophet proposed, at first she said, "I am too old, I have many kids and I'm a very jealous women," but the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said, "As for your age, I'm older than you. As for your kids, sit and I'll take care of them, and as for your jealousy, I'll ask Allah to take it away."

4. Umm Al Mu'mineen Umm Habiba, Ramla bintu Abi Sufiyan

Her father is the same Abu Sufyan who led the caravan in Battle of Badr. She was married to Ubaydillah ibn Mujaasht~ the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam)'s cousin. She went with her husband to Abyssinia, where she had a very bad dream. It was interpreted later on to mean that her husband would apostate (he converted to Christianity.) After she had no one to take care of her, and the leader of the migration being Ja'fer, an Najaashi became the commissioner to Umm Habiba. He (Najashi) proposed to her on the Prophet's (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) behalf.

Khalid ibn Sa'eed (radi Allahu anhu) was her wali. She was the only wife that was absent when the marriage contract was performed or done. This is another sunnah~ you can have the marriage contract commissioned by another person.

5. Umm Al Mu'mineen Zainab bintu Jaasht

Allah- was the wali of Zainab. After her marriage with Zaid, Allah said in the Qur'an, "We marry her to you." The Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) walked into her house right away, and she would brag to the other wives that all their guardians were people, while she was married to the

Prophet through Allah. She died during the Khilaafa of Umar ibn Khataab.
Breaking Off
The Consequences of Revoking the Engagement Agreement

There is no reason to give a reason, except out of courtesy you can. If it'll hurt their feelings, don't.

1. Is the engagement a revocable contract?

The betrothal is like a promise, so what are the consequences for breaking off this agreement? Is it a revocable contract, because it's a promise to get married. Islamically, it's a revocable contract and anybody can revoke it.

Maliki- even though it's not binding, it's highly recommended to fulfill it, because it was a promise and Islamically, you have to fulfill your promises. It is very important to understand and know that if one is thinking of breaking off the agreement, it should take place as quick as possible. Usually, people take the engagement for granted, and they consider the betrothal as marriage, and then the break off is taken very personally. The couple then attacks one another, which creates a huge fitnah in the Muslim society.

2. The betrothal gifts?

What if he bought a lot of gifts? These are the material issues. Or what if he moved from his town and he came to your town, so that he could be close to you to live near you? Can you take back all the things that have been done during the betrothal period? What's the ruling?

There's no ruling about giving gifts, so you can give gifts to express yourself for who you're going to marry. It's a matter of courtesy, so you can give as much as you want.

The gifts:

a. as part of the maher or dowry~ in this case, it's an agreement among all scholars that he should receive it all back, whether it was consumed or not. If it was all consumed, something similar to it should be given back to him in return, whether the person who revoked the engagement was the man or the woman. This doesn't include things like chocolate or ice cream cones~ lol, just the valuable items (according to the culture.)

b. other items/valuable things~ if you cannot return it, and it's damaged, or something else is wrong with it, then there are four opinions:

Hanafi- he receives it back if it existed in it's original status, but if there's any alteration, then he loses it.

Maliki- if the one who revoked it was the man, he doesn't receive anything, but if the one who revoked it was the lady, then he should receive everything regardless of it was changed or distorted. This is because they changed their mind, not him.

Shafi- he receives back his gifts if they're available. If it's damaged, it should be confiscated with money.

Hanbal- he cannot take back anything because he gave it as a gift, so he can't take it back. This is according to hadith in Sahih Bukhari where the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) made the analogy that a person who takes back the gift is like a dog that vomits and licks the vomit. Why did the other madhabs disregard this hadith? When a person gives gifts at the time of the betrothal, he has ulterior motives~ to get married, but in general, you give gifts out of sincerity.

You can't choose your madhab for your convenience. If you cannot decide what to do, just go to an enabled Muslim judge. If the woman gives the man gifts, it's the same ruling.

3. Compensation for potential harm and damage

What if he moved away or he bought two tickets and then he cancelled the tickets? Nothing was mentioned, but some contemporary scholars say that:

1. he should be paid back for it

2. if there's no way that it can be paid back, then it should be considered charity for the marriage

3. some say it depends on different things (like if he got lease for an apartment, etc)it may vary.

For emotional damage, the old fiqh scholars don't say anything, but contemporary scholars say that you can go to a judge to decide that.

12-19-2006, 06:49 AM
there is a brother in my community that i know of, and he shows felings towards someone. i think that dating in Islam is Haram, but im not sure. please tel me if im right, is dating allowed in Islam

(i have a %99.9 chance its Haram, ubt i just want to know for future references)

12-19-2006, 07:52 AM
Originally Posted by paki4lif
there is a brother in my community that i know of, and he shows felings towards someone. i think that dating in Islam is Haram, but im not sure. please tel me if im right, is dating allowed in Islam

(i have a %99.9 chance its Haram, ubt i just want to know for future references)
dating deffo is haram... its haram to go out with a non mahram. teh hadith clearly says that if a man n woman are alone 2 gether... shaytan is third person accopmanying them...

as for feelings... that's diff, coz we know tht for xample from story of burayrah and jareer and couple others during prophets time. as long as they aren't expressed to the person themself directly coz dat can lead to trouble... best 2 just get married if u think they're right person to avoid all that risk.

whatever u do, don't giv that dove book 2 ur mate :p its easy2b misunderstood.

tc :w:

12-19-2006, 07:53 AM
brother here is the link






we have so many threads on this topic ....lol and i just realised that

12-21-2006, 02:47 PM
A very good read Alhamdulillah.
Read, read, read = learn learn learn.
Thank you for removing the blinkers and really broadening the vision for so many of us.

12-21-2006, 02:57 PM
Originally Posted by *noor
This article is wow!!

everyone should read it
You must have a lot of time on your hand, if someone can give a short summary in point form i wouldn't mind reading it.

Ibn Abi Ahmed
12-22-2006, 03:48 AM
THE finest quality that a man can display in Love is continence: to abstain from sin and all indecency. For so he will prove himself to be not indifferent to the heavenly reward, that eternal bliss reserved by God for those who dwell in His everlasting kingdom, neither will he disobey his Master Who has been so gracious to him, in appointing him to be a creature worthy to receive His commandments and prohibitions, Who sent unto him His Messengers, and caused His Word to be immovably established with him-all this as a mark of His care for us, and His benevolence towards us.

The man whose heart is distraught and his mind preoccupied, whose yearning waxes so violent that it overmasters him, whose passion desires to conquer his reason, and whose lust would vanquish his religion such a man, if he sets up self-reproach to be his strong tower of defence, is aware that the soul indeed " commands ' unto evil " (Koran XII 53). He therefore reminds his soul of the punishment of God, and meditates upon his boldness towards his Creator, Who sees all that he does; he warns his soul of the day when it must return to Allah, and stand before the mighty King terrible in vengeance, yet compassionate and merciful, Who requires no proof of His Being. He will consider with his inward eye that day when he stands alone, with none to defend him, in the presence of Him " Who knoweth all secrets " (Koran V io8), " the day when neither wealth nor offspring shall be of avail, except a man cometh unto God with a pure heart " (Koran XXVI 88-89); " the day when the earth shall be changed, and the heavens "(Koran XIV 49)," the day when every soul shall find the good that it has done summoned before him, and the evil it has done, and shall wish that there lay between itself and that thing a far distance" (Koran III 28) ; "the day when all faces shall be turned towards the Living, the Everlasting, and he shall fail who is laden with wickedness " (Koran XX I Io) ; " the day whereon they shall find all that they have done present before them, and thy Lord shall do no man wrong " (Koran XVIII 48) ; the day of " the greatest calamity, the day when a man shall remember all that he has laboured, and Hell shall come forth unto all that have eyes to see ; as for him who has committed iniquity, and preferred the life of this world, Hell shall be his resort ; but as for him who feared the Majesty of his Lord, and denied the soul' its desires, Paradise shall be his resort " (Koran LXXIX 34-41); that day of which Allah says, "And to the neck of every man We shall attach his fate, and We shall bring forth unto him on the Day of Resurrection a book, which he shall find outspread Read thy book, to-day thou art a sufficient reckoner against thyself" (Koran XVII 14) ; then shall the disobedient say, " Woe is me, what manner of thing is this book, that leaves aside neither small offence nor great but numbers all?" (Koran XVIII 47).

- Ibn Hazm - Tawq al-Hamamah (Ring of the Dove)

12-22-2006, 05:40 AM
Originally Posted by lolwatever
salams.. u know that 'tawaaqatul hamaamah'? lol does anyoen hav some sorta commentary on the book? liek explaining the mindset the sheikh had when he was readin git?

i read a coupe chapters but then i just decided to stop coz i honeslty don't think its something you get reward for, maybe das coz i'm taking it in a completely dfif way :uuh:

salamz :D
did ne1 read my post abuv ^ :rollseyes

02-06-2007, 05:25 PM


Was The Prophet (SAW) Romantic - Waleed Basyouni


- Qatada -
04-28-2007, 09:43 PM

Chapter 4:

'In a Golden Cage': The Rules of Marriage

It's not just a golden cage, it's more than that. It's a life of freedom, insha Allah.

In the farewell khutbah, the Messenger of Allah salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam said: "Fear Allah concerning women! Verily you have taken them on the security of Allah, and intercourse with them has been made lawful to you by words of Allah. You're obligated towards them to provide for them and dress them according to the customary tradition." Muslim

The marriage contract is a religious contract and an act of worship. Through the history of marriage, we learn that the most powerful contract is the one made by the name of Allah. Even the non-Muslims go to religious entities to perform their marriages, because they believe if they perform it before God, then they have an obligation and responsibility before Him. Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said, "You can make intercourse by what has been made lawful to you by words of Allah (Subhanaw wa Ta'ala.)"

First: The Integrals (Arkaan) of a Marriage Agreement

What do we mean by rukun? Rukun are like pillars, in that they are the sides of the structure that hold up the structure. The following will carry the foundation of the marriage.

Meaning of Integrals:

Hanafi: what the existence of the matter (here: the marriage contract) is dependent on its presence (if the integrals are present, then marriage will exist) and it has to be part of its essence (part of the contract itself)

Hanafi- say you just need JUST the spoken form.

Malik/Shafi: what the essence of the matter is dependent on its presence and it does not have to be part of its essence.

They say you need everything ~ all except the witnesses

1. The spoken form

1. The definition:

A formal spoken offer by one party, known as the ijaab, or the offer itself, while the second part is al qabul or the acceptance from the other party. The wali starts by saying, "I offer you my daughter in marriage" and then the man responds by saying, "I accept."

Hanafi- says that either is okay, where the mu'jib makes the ijaab and the acceptor is the makbul, but most people say that the qabul should be from the man.

2. Rulings of the spoken words:

Accepted words on which there is agreement~

1. zawaaj, 2. nikaah, because Allah uses zawaaj in Surah Ahzab: 37 about the marriage of Zainab radiAllahu anhu, and the word nikaah has been used many times in the Qur'an, such as in Surah an Nisaa: 22, in which it says, "wa la tankihu ma nakaha ibaahakum ilan nisa."

Rejected words on which there is agreement~

any word in general that does not include or imply the direct and immediate positions of the rights of conjugal relations. In the case of a celibate marriage, they don't need another marriage contract once the relations have been made, because it's their choice to consummate or to discontinue the life long term. Using words like "permissibility," "lending," "leasing," or "trading," "enjoyment," "wasiyyah", like "will", "mortgage", or "trust," "wadeeyyaa" or "amaana."

Words on which there is disagreement~

some scholars accept these words and some don't: "al bayr,"~ selling, "al hiba"~ gift; "sadaqa"~ charity; "Al atiya/hadiyyah"- a gift/present. Some people say "give me your gift" or "be charitable to me"~ they're not really acceptable , because the spoken form (by definition) should give the implication of immediate relations and the continuation of terms.

Hanafi/Maliki- all words are acceptable so long as they imply the intention for marriage. They say that Allah uses the word, "mahabaat" in the Qur'an, and they use the evidence from the Qur'an in which Allah says, "And you show a believing woman in "mahabaat" as a gift for Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam.)" However, this was only for Prophet. In the hadith of Sahl 'ibn Saad, he had nothing to offer, so he told the Prophet that he could offer his knowledge of the Qur'an.

Shafi/Hanbal- the only words that are allowed are zawaaj and nikaah, while the others are not acceptable. Their evidence is that they were the only two words used in the Qur'an for marriage and as for the hadith they mention, it has different versions and the most popular version uses the word, "zawajtukaha" not "malaktukaha," meaning "I marry her to you, with the Qur'an as your mehar."

Using writing or sign language as an alternative~

If the man is absent and the lady is present, and the man sends a letter of proposal for the father to sign, is this permissible?

1. It is not acceptable if both parties are present and able to speak. In this case, they must sign it.

2. If somebody is disabled, using writing or sign language is ok so long as everything is clearly understood and both parties show the clear intention of marriage.

Words that are not really allowed~ "trading"~

al bayal al mu'ataaw. This is also known as handling, which is done without speaking. Although each contract should have an ijaab and qabul, al mu'ataaw is tolerated in things that are easy (such as the grocery, etc.) but for valuable items like land, cars, etc. it's not allowed. Therefore, al mu'ataaw is not allowed in marriage (out of respect and importance of marriage.)

3. Conditions of the spoken form:

Language: some scholars say the whole contract has to be in Arabic, but a majority of the scholars say that since Allah used az zawaaj and nikaah, then they should be the only words in Arabic. Generally, the language used should be something that both contracting parties understand. It's illegal to contract the marriage contract when one of the parties does not understand the language, even if she is a non-Muslim.

The verb used in the contract should be in past tense. The wali can say something like, "zawajtuka binti" or "I have already given you my daughter in marriage" and then the man can reply with, "qabiltu" or "I accepted your marriage." However, the present tense or future tense is not recommended, like if someone says "I will." But the scholars say that if the intention was clear then it's okay, and if the intention is not clear, then it's merely considered a promise, therefore the words that are used should be totally clear.

1. Both words (the ijaab and the qabul) should be stated in the same session- when the offer starts, it should be answered in the same session. If it is not, it's considered to be more like a betrothal. It should not be interrupted by anything outside the marriage contract. The response should follow immediately. If there is an intermission by silence, there is no specific ruling for the length of that intermission, so whatever is suitable for the people according to their tradition and culture is permissible.

2. The exact correspondence/matching of the ijaab to the qabul~ if the wali says "I'm offering you my daughter Fatima" and the man replies, "I'm accepting your daughter A'isha" then it's not allowed. If they disagree on the maher, that's not allowed, either.

3. The one who gives the spoken form must remain on his offer until he gets the answer~ he cannot revoke the proposal. IF the man was about to answer but he goes to talk to his wife, or on the phone, then that's considered revoking it. In this case, he would have to repeat it again, where the answer would come directly after that. Can one revoke the contract before the answer? Yes. However, after the answer is given in the affirmative, it's over, and it's a legal binding, therefore, it can only be ended with an official divorce.

4. It should also imply immediate fulfillment of the contract~ if a man says, "I offer my daughter Fatima" and the guy says, "I accept insha Allah," then this is not a valid word. Don't use the word insha Allah unless it's used for baraqah. However, in general, it shouldn't' be used in the spoken form of marriage. The man cannot say he will accept at another time either.

************************************************** ****************************************

4. Stipulating a grace period of choice in the contract (aka optional clause):

Is it acceptable to do a trial session with marriage? NO, because the contract makes it binding. There are two types of khiyaar (optional clauses):

1. Khiyaar al majlis- this is when the people are still in the session where the contract was bound. In order to bind it you have to leave and have some kind of physical separation. Islamically, if the contract has been bound, and they're still at home afterwards, in the same session, then that's not allowed. This can happen in other negotiations, but not in the marriage contract.
2. Khiyaar ash shart- adding a stipulation or condition. One should not put any types of optional clauses for the marriage contract.

Things that Violate this rule:

1. Temporary marriage: it was acceptable at the beginning of Islam because of social and political conditions of that era. The Prophet prohibited it twice, in which the last time was after the Battle of Khaybar. All Sahabi except one, Adullah ibn Abaas kept insisting that it was still allowed. He said that since it was allowed, forbidden, and allowed again and forbidden, then the condition would need an 'ilah or a reason. If the 'ilah is present (circumstances would differ~ then the ruling should be applied or not. The other scholars say Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said it was valid until doj; he was complaining about people twisting their words; he said it was allowed at that time as a necessity, just like allowing eating pork at the time of a dire necessity, by a majority, it's completely forbidden and it's only practiced now amongst the Shi'a... why forbidden? because it has no guarantee of a long term marriage~ this is just like prostitution and like zina itself

2. Marriage with the intention of divorce: the difference between halal and haram is if they put it in the contract~ if he mentions it to her or wali and they accept it, it's considered muta'aa, so it's not allowed; it's haram for him to have the intention, but in the technicality of the marriage, it's okay because nobody else knows; his intention may change and he may really like her later

3. 'The borrowed goat' ~ at tays al musta'aa *Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam)s words*: ~ a lady gets divorced (a final divorce) and legally she's not allowed to marry her husband again until she gets married to someone else first; some know this man is so jealous, and that's why he's divorce; and then some man " a borrowed goat " says that i'll marry her and divorce her so that you can marry again (they have to have intercourse for their marriage to be valid~ Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said you have to taste intercourse for this to be halaal)~ for may he be cursed, the one who is the borrowed goat is cursed and so is the ex-husband? (Ahmad and nIsaai); this marriage is completely forbidden and null (if the intention was disclosed)

4. Marriage of convenience: here, the green card is the biggest deal~ if the marriage of convenience fulfilled all legal requirements, then it's acceptable, but if it has a stated period, it's mut'aa and if not, but there is the intention, then it's similar to intention of divorce (or a temporary marriage); if it was performed islamically it wouldn't be accepted as a marriage contract; it's very dangerous to marry for ill intentions; if anything is done with an ill intention (other than fi sabi lillah) it will be interrupted and it will come to an end

If there's a marriage contract, but the wali stipulates in the marriage contract that they cannot consumate it until later, they can live together or not; if they are separated, that's up to them if he accepted it, but he has the right to immediately consumate it if he'd like; if they're living together, it probably won't be possible
Second: The Two Contracting Parties
The Bride and the Groom

1. Conditions of the Two Parties

- Specification of the bride and groom: be specific. You should know them by name, and know exactly whom is marrying whom.

- Legal competence: 2 or 5 year olds are not a competent people

- What is the age limit for a legal marriage contract?: there is no age limit. It's not recommended to contract an arranged marriage for young kids, but it's okay. However, the consummation will not be done until they are able and older. The contract is still valid, but they have the right to ask that the marriage be disintegrated when they reach the age of puberty.

- Listening to the other part of the spoken form: the ability to listen to the other part of the spoken form (a man starts "I offer you my daughter" the man should not be talking to someone else, and not listening) that contract is nullified; even if it's a commissioner, or sign language, ?

- To be free from any defects that prevent the fulfillment of the essence of the contract: the guy is sick or dying and to please him you're making him a marriage contract (it's nullified); or if they are incompetant to fulfill the rights of enjoyment with the other party (from either side) then the marriage contract cannot be fulfilled unless the two agree on it (ex: usually older couples)

- Not to be in a state of ihram: hajj or umrah, expressing the proposal is also unacceptable at that time

- Mutual consent: both are in full agreement of the marriage contract; hanifa: they don't put this as a stipulation, if both parties were even joking about it, it becomes binding

2. Conditions of the Bride

- to be a definite female: there is no doubt in her sex; she doesn't have an ambiguous sex; in this case, they cannot contract in this nature until they choose a gender for that person; in most of these cases, they're usually barren after these surgeries

the issue of ambiguous sex or homosexuality~ medical part of it: during the process or sequence of production; there are medical syndromes that vary extremely (sometimes inner and sometimes outer); it's rare, and most cases have some medical/surgical treatment to them~ if there are surgeries done, she will probably be barren but still a functioning female; ulul irbaa (males w/o lust/desire for men/women) the syndrome is sissy boy syndrome = tomboy in females; bisexual~ sexual desire to both; homosexual~ no physical problems; gender identity syndrome~ biologically male but in his heart, feels he's supposed to be a female, so his desires go to males, so the medical field recommends doing a surgery to change that; it could be a different level of enzymes or things about homosexuals, statistically, there would be 3-5 people homosexual, or alcoholics, etc. there can be excuses for it, but it's really a matter of faith, and misreading emotions and misperceptions of emotions (and nothing to do with a medical reason); it's an urge that people get and act upon

- not to be of his Mahram (unmarriagable kin): who are they? Nisa: 23-24~ Allah states the categories of the unmarriagable kin; prohibited~ mother, daughter, sis,

The Unmarriagable Kin

1. The Permanent Prohibited Relationships

- By blood relationship

1. his ancestors~mother, grandmother, great grandma, etc. (AND FOR WOMEN TOO)

2. his descendents~ his daugther, her daughter, etc.

3. parents descendents~ sisters, neices, and their daughters and their daughters

4. the first generation of ones grandparents offspring~ aunts from mothers or fathers, and the second generation is allowed (to marry)?

*grandfathers brother is haram

if a child is in the custody and is breastfed; if a boys (with own mother and father and sibling), so his mother could not breast feed him, and that family has their own children, and he's haram to his OWN brothers and sisters and will also be haram to those children; what if his foster brother wanted to marry his blood sister? they can marry one another

is the man mahram for his step mother in law (his wifes stepmother): he's not mahram to her

if two women want their children to be halal to one another, they can breastfeed, and they are allowed to do so, the prohibition becomes for all the children, if they want it both ways (then they have to exchange)

- By affinity (by marriage)

1. wife of his ancestors~ his mother, his stepmother, all wives of father are haraam, his grandma and stepgrandma (completely and immediately right at marriage contract, even before consumation of marriage)~ even if the person intended to divorce her before consumation, then he will be haram for her forever; daughter of stepmother (stepsister) is halal to marry; stepmothers mom~ halal for you but (haram for your father though)

2. wife of his descendants~ daughter in laws, or grandchildrens wives

3. ancestors of the wife~ his mother in law and her mother; she's haram for the man for not for the son

4. descendents of the wife~ after the consumation of marriage with the mom~ her daughter is still halal for him (if there's no consumation) but after the consumation of the marriage with mom, then it's totally haram on him to marry her daughter

- By breast-feeding: 1. all of the above~ they remain the same for blood and affinity

what makes this haram? and what does that mean exactly? 1. it had conditions to be acceptable legally as a reason for prohibition~ it should be done during the first two years of infancy 2. the amount of milk he drinks should be decided first (doo among scholars~ some say, just one sip or one time is sufficient~ Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) came into his house once and he found a man with A'isha, she said he's my foster brother, he saw said, be careful, to know who exactly is your brother because the lawful breastfeeding is from starvation, so when the primary sustenance of that child should be the milk (usually the first two years), and after those two years will not be acceptable; some say using Bukhari and Muslim A'isha said in the Quran there was a prohibition of 10 meals or 10 times in an ayah, which means he himself will fall asleep or stop drinking, then it was abbrogated to 5 times and she said one or two times is not sufficient and that it should be five); one hadith spec. for abu hudayfah for salim who was a servant of the companion of abu hudayfah, he was jealous that his own servant would see his wife w/o hijab so she complained to Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) and Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said she should breast feed him, even at 13 yrs old, and she did but Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said that's only for them; nowadays this can't be claimed; labanul faahl~ the man/milk, the milk women carry because of that man, milk in other women because of relations of that man~ he is the source of milk in both wives, and this is a breastfeeding case; a man marries two women and they both have milk (they are only for breastfeeding), one of them breastfeeds a girl the other breast feeds a boy, the girl becomes haram for that ladies children, on the other side, same thing, but the boy and girl, a majority say it's prohibited and that they are haram on one another

2. The Temporary Prohibited Relationships

- a divorcee from a final divorce: for the same man who divorced her

???- a woman related to another husband: that relationship can be a full marriage contract before consumation or a consumated marraige or in a waiting period after an unfinal divorce~ the man can still ask her back and if she' spregnant, it's a way to protect her and lineage; after the period is over, then it's okay to marry her

- disbelieving women: except the Christians and Jews (Ahlul Kitaab) (athiests, pagans, buddhists, etc. are not allowed); if she accepts Islam she becomes halal

- sister in law and her mahrams: women who are related to her in mahramiya, aunt, her sister; if you assume that your wife and the other women; if she was the man, and they are prohibited, then use that as a judgment

- a fifth wife: if a man has ridda also and his iddah is the actual iddah of the divorcee, he isn't allowed to marry her until she's out of her iddah; he divorces his wife and he wants to mary her sister until she's done with her iddah; any other woman in her iddah

what about ayoub for princess?

if a man has four wives, or more than one wife, what about one of the wives kids for another of the wives kids? what bout one son for another of his wives?

Marrying from Ahlul Kitaab ('The people of the Book')

Two major opinions:

Majority (including four madhabs): it is allowed because Allah stated it in the Qur'an (Surah Ma'idah: 5)

1. Definition of the people of the book

Any woman who believes in a revelation from Allah, meaning specifically Judaism and Christianity; what about a Mormon? Are they Christian? Joseph Smith claims a revelation to have come down, and they claim themselves Christians (it's hard to differentiate between different sects)~ new churches are hard to establish as Christian or not; there's a great dispute about this in scholars, but these people have gone far from the ideals of Christianity, so we shouldn't consider them so

2. The Fiqh opinion

Abdullah Ibn Umar bin Khataab said it's forbidden~ because Allah says HE forbade Mushriqaat (in another ayaah)~polytheism until they believe and he said I don't know how that's not part of polytheism to believe in Isaa and Maryam (alayhimus salaam) at their high statuses; but a majority were against their opinions; Sahabi who married non-Muslims: Mu'aadh ibn Jabl, Uthman ibn Afaan (married Naa'ila bintu Faraafisaa al Tarbeeyah~ an Arab Christian who later converted), Hudayfah after the conquest of Persia, married a Jew woman from Ahlal Meydaan; most scholars have a condition~ she's definitely a Ahlul Kitaabi and that she's a chaste woman, and she's not a prostitute, if she had done so, then she must have repented or in the process of doing so (no longer practicing that anymore); many men start their relationships with non-Muslims and do this and is it ok to marry a zaania or not? if they both repent, it's okay; if there's any pregnancy, and they got married, then if he was born after 6 months of that contract, they're his, but if he was born before that, then legally, he isn't their son; harbiyyaa~ lives in a place where there is a dispute between muslims and non-Muslims (like Palestine), can a Palestinian marry a Jew from there? Hanafi: not allowed, Maliki/Shafi: makruh/disliked, Hanbali: it's against what should be done (so it shouldn't be done)

3. Consideration of the Muslim welfare

If something like this becomes widespread, it could cause fitnah. Like Umar bin Khataab forbade it in his Khilaafa; he sent a command for them all to be divorced, and some like Ubaydah said is it haram? and Umar said it's like intoxication (addiction) and he asked three times, and he later divorced her and people asked why? he said I didn't want ppl to think that it was haram because of his statement, but I wanted to respect him so I did

3. Conditions of the Groom

- to be a definite male: it doesn't say be a definite man

- to be a Muslim: even Ahlul Kitaab are not allowed, and Why? Because Allah says in Surah Nisaa in the Qur'an "and Allah will not give authority for the disbelievers over the believers" because in general, the man has guardianship so this will/can jeapordize a lot of things

-not to be a Mahram: unfortunately, it's a widespread practice (incest); they say marrying cousins is haraam but they do worse than that

Prohibited Marriages

Muslims- it doesn't matter if they are practicing or not, but it differs from person to person, so you should just investigate based upon each person; so long as they're a suitable match, if one is looking for a different taste, then it's recommended to get someone suitable; the thing that differentiates is praying; hanbal said if someone doesn't pray 5 times a day is not even Muslim; majority say that if they do not DENY the obligation of salah, then that's sufficient (they just aren't practicing it, but they don't disregard it either)

1. A Muslim woman to a non-Muslim man:

2. A Muslim man to a non-Kitabi woman:if she's part of the Nation of Islam, then she needs to be questioned about her beliefs and it depends

3. A Muslim man to a woman of one Kitabi parent: if you have halaal and haram, then haram weighs more, so even if a girl is Christian regardless of if her father or mother are Hindu, then she's not permitted; EXCEPT if she became Muslim; what if one person is Muslim who marries a Hindu?

4. Marrying to a Murtadd (apostate): if she claims to be Muslim but speaks openly against Islam, then it's okay, but if the man does so, then it's invalid? if he commits this after marriage is made, then this marriage is immediately considered null (faskh~ annullment/dissintegration of marriage)

5. Marrying to an adulterer: what if both parties are kitaabis and the woman converts to Islam? In the past, in classical fiqh, they almost have one opinion that the marriage is immdediately nullified, and:

1. if they accept Islam together, it's okay, and they don't have to remarry, unless there's another prohibitive (like if they married a mahram)

2. if the woman accepts and man stays on his deen, if the man accepts islam during the 'iddah (after she accepts, the marriage is nullified and she's in 'iddah), then they are back in marriage right away

3. if he accepts it after the iddah, then he has to perform a new contract w/her except ibn qayyim who said there's no contract needed (until she marries someone else)

4. what about people who love each other and want to stay with one another, she tries da'wah but he still insists, and she needs to use power over him not to share the bed with him until he accepts islam, or then nullify it, some say that they can stay as a couple, until she tries every possible effort to convert him or nullify it

Forms of Marriages which violate this rule

1. 'Barter trade' marriage (shagaar)

two people who meet, one man says to the other, if you give me your daughter, i'll give you mine, and the maher is nothing (that trade); it's baatil~ unacceptable and nullified deal/contract, except Hanafi who says it is sahih but it's disliked

2. Pre-arranged marriages

it's a valid contract, and they have the choice when they reach puberty to cancel the marriage if they'd like; some would like to strengthen family ties; this is considered like a celibate marriage~ in recent history, yemen, the guy and girl were about 11 years old

Third: The Witnesses

1. The wisdom behind this stipulation

a. To show the importance of marriage, and that it's not an easy thing. It's very important and it should be known to the public that there is a legitimate relation between the two people.

b. To avoid the couples being accused from anything haraam

c. To recognize or discriminate, or distinguish, between halal and haram matters- if the marriage is done secretly, then it could be just zina, but if the couple has witnesses, then they are taking it out to the public.

d. For the confirmation of marriage- if the man walks out, and he doesn't come back, and then dies, who will testify for her for her inheritance?

2. The Fiqh opinion

All four of the scholars say it's a shard, or condition, but not a pillar, or rukun.

Hanafi- say that the marriage can be performed without the wali, but that the witnesses MUST be there, as a shard. They use the hadith from Ibn Majah and at-Tirmidhi, where the Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said, "Announce the marriage, and use al ghirbaal (duff) to show the announcement of the marriage," meaning that the couple should take it out to the public. "The nikkah is invalid unless there is a wali and 2 witnesses" or ?

3. The time of this testimony

Majority- the time of the testimony should be at the time of the contract, when the spoken form is declared, and that's when they read the shahaada.

Maliki- the time of the testimony is recommended at the time of the contract, but delaying it until the time of the wedding is okay. Why? Because Malikis beleive that the importance of the shahada is not to declare the marriage contract, but to allow the consummation of the marriage.

4. Conditions of the witnesses

1. Legal Competance- they must Muslim, above the age of puberty, have a full and sound mind, and be free

2. No less than 2 male members- (at least 2 men) according to the majority; hanafi: they allow to be one man and two women

3. the ability to hear the spoken form and the reply (they have to be present when the spoken form takes place)

? umm salamah

Forms of Marriages which violate this rule

1. The 'Secret Marriage': if a man is married and he wants to marry another woman, so they bring all the witnesses, etc. and they say keep it secret ~

Maliki: they nullify this marriage, but most say it's allowed and it's makruh (disliked); so what's the point of declaring the marriage?

to announce it or testimony of two? annoucning it by two is sufficient to consumate the marriage

Fourth: The Brides Guardian 'Wali'

1. Definition of guardianship

a legal competance and the ability to own the authority to dispose of ones affairs- you have authority/power over someone because you are competant and you have the authority to control their affairs (like a father to son/daughter or a man to his wife in certain ways)

so the man needs to be personally competant, and the woman needs a wali

2. Categories of guardianship

1. wilaaya alan naas- guardianship over ones person (like regency~ a boy who's too young to recieve the authority for position of the king, then they establish a regency counsel)- to awliyaa-uncles can also be included

a. wilaayatu ijbaar: those who may compel their female charges to marry someone~ if she was a little girl and her father has the authority to marry her when she's still young, even if that was against her will, he can do that, and it's acceptable in hanafi madhab

b. those who may not compel their female charges to marry someone~ they just represent them in a marriage contract which they approve (on someone's behalf, she does not perform marraige on her behalf but she has to go through the help of her wali)

why? because of the sensitive issue of marriage; a social factor is that women are taken for granted and be easily abused, and are weak in society, if she contracts by herself, then he could do anything (abuse her) and then she wont have the support from her family; when they deal with the woman, then they know that they are dealing with the whole clan

2. guardianship over property/wealth- father, grandfather, judge (like in the instance of orphans)

3. guardianship over both (a person and property)- who all has ability to have this authority? father and paternal grandfather are the only people that can have this authority

3. The Fiqh opinion

the majority say: it is a rukun/integral of the marriage contract (that if it was not by her wali, it is invalid); the

hanafis say that the contract is valid w/o the need of the wali (woman can speak for herself in the marriage contract~ she can marry herself directly w/o the need of a wali, but with one condition that he is a suitable match for her); the majority say that the hadith "no marriage should be performed without wali" another A'isha hadith: "any woman who marries herself w/o persmission of her wali, her contract is null null null, but if they consumated the marriage, he pays her marriage and they invalidate the contract until they do it the right way" who should be the wali? then the sultan should be the wali for those women who don't have a wali (like an orphan or a convert);

hanafi: Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam): "the woman who is unmarried, regardless of a maiden or not, she's more worthy to have octrol over herself than her wali or guardian, majority say that she needs to give answer clearly (for nonvirgin) and the virgin, we should seek ehr permsision in this marriage, and her provision would be sufficient (her silence) and the majority say the first part is the non-virgin woman (who msut say it clearly yes or no, silence wont' be accepted) and another daleel is that if a woman is fully qualified to own properties and handle affairs, why not in marriage ocntracts? majortiy disagree with that.

4. Conditions of the Wali

1. legal competance (as above)

2. to be a Muslim

3. to be a man/male; hanafi's say it can be another woman

4. al adaala- to be trustworhty people or with a sound character

5. maturity- mature/understand the meaning of what they're doing (it's a marriage contract)

6. free from state of ihram (not Muhram in Umrah or Hajj)

5. The order of the guardianship among the bride's relatives

in general, they agree that wilaaya should follow the inheritance law (al asaabaat~ paternal relatives, not mothers brother, and the paternal side does count IF the preceding person is not available) system:

1. father

2. grandfather (paternal)

3. if she had children from a previous marriage and they're at the age of puberty, then her son

4. her brothers (full brother over half brother)

5. uncle (paternal)

6. cousin

6. In the absence of the Wali: if she has none, then the imam or leader should be her wali; what if wali was alive and not present? he can be a commissioner (the brother) but if he steps up as a wali, then that is not allowed; if he was somewhere on earth, do you wait forever for him to communicate, so you should wait, and if he doesn't show up, then the grandfather, then the son, and on and on, and in this case, the foster father is not a wali, because she cannot inherit from him

Rulings of the Bride's Consent

1. Consent of the maiden bride

because the majority of scholars do not accept wilaayatul ijbaar, therefore, this is a prerequisite, or a condition: if the girl was of the puberty and beyond; in hanafis they don' need full consent from the girl

all 6 plus ahmad and bukhari/muslim: A'isha- al bikr (maiden) should not be given in marriage until you get her permission and not the non-maiden until you get a spoken word from her, if she remains silent, that's her permission or if she cries and is happy, then maybe also send the mom for extra inquiry

2. Consent of the non-maiden bride

she has to say yes or no, because the first woman has no experience w/men, so she can't express herself as well whereas the non-maiden does, and so he can; a judge said one is a maiden, one is married, one is a widow, and he knew that before talking to them- he said the maiden was too shy (with her head down) and the divorcee or married one looked straight, and the widow looked very sad

the consent is VERY important, and men are not allowed to abuse the power of their authority and just give them to get rid of them; a lady complained, ya rasulullah, my father wants to marry me to his nephew and his nephew is not very well-known and he wanted to honor his nephew by marrying him to his own daugther, so Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) brought her father, and Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said no, she's refusing, the father submitted, and the girl said, i want to say something, now i accept him, and Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said, why'd you do that? so that ppl will know that they don't have the authority to marry someone without their permission; Allah did not command you to eat the food if you don't like it? then don't eat it.. same with the other way, what if if causes bitterness in their lives? then don't do so

3. Marrying a bride under the age of puberty

hanafi: no, because wali has wilaayatul ijbaar,

majority: yes

Rulings of the Guardianship

1. Abusing the right of guardianship

if some ppl have daughters who all work, and they bring money for the household, and he retires, and whoever comes to propose, he says no, or stipulates very harsh conditions, this is called al 'adl; if the girl accepts the person because he's righteous or religious, and if she insists on him, then she can go to the judge and take authority from that wali to the following wali

if the man who proposes is average, and she loves him, then the wali may see some defects in him, and her father says to take it easy, it's up to him to accept or reject the marriage and if she goes to the judge, then the judge will investigate

2. The guardian of a non-Muslim bride

can be her non-muslim wali (her father) or a brother, and some scholars say he should be her non-muslim wali (if a muslim wali would like to perform on her behalf, it would not be acceptable)

3. The non-Muslim guardian of a Muslim bride

Allah said, Nisa 4:141 (same as previous) and never will Allah grant to disbelievers over believers; they can come so long as they abide by the etiquettes ?

4. The guardian of someone who has no legal guardian

Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam): sultan is the wali whether he is an imam or governor of the area, he will be the wali of the person with no wali

Commissioning in Marriage Contracts

1. Definition of commissioning

(al waqaala) to act on behalf of someone with authority received from him or her in general contracts, but in the marriage contract, from him by a majority of scholars

2. The Fiqh opinion

the Hanafis say commissioning is permissible to give to a man or woman, meaning if she can commission for her own, then she can for another too; a woman cannot act as a commissioner for another woman?

but majority say no it's not allowed in the marriage contract but the man is allowed to commission another man in that sense

3. Condition of the commissioner

the same conditions of the commissioning party- wali

4. The authority of the commissioner

is it limited or open? there are two kinds- limited and unlimited (in marriage contracts); a man authorizes his son to marry his sister to this man this is limited authority, if the son had a friend named khalid and says i like khalid better, then he's not allowed to do that, if father gives unlimited waqaala, then he can choose whomever he wills

Ruling of Commissioning

1. Can the commissioner issue the marriage for himself?

a man gives authority to another person, and he marries her himself, for

Hanafis it is permissible if lady accepts it;

majority say that he should not do it, because of conflict of interest (if the man saw he'd be the best person, then he should call the person of authority and then propose, but it would still be best not to do so because of conflict of interest?)

you aren't doing it for yourself, so yes you can, if they had asked or given persmission; like a grandfather marrying his two grandchildren together, he can be their wali (it's allowed)

2. Can the original commisioner commission another for the same contract?

no, it's not acceptable, because of the feeling of consecution (endless) and they'll keep passing it down; if you can't, then go to the person who commissioned you and tell them or if you found someone else to do it, let the authority know

what if he's the sultan, and he wants to marry her (a convert) then he can be her wali, and he wants to marry her, and he is allowed to do so, because he is acting for himself and if she agrees, then that is okay, so long as there are witnesses

Forms of Marriage which violate this rule

1. Az-zawaj al-orfee "customary marriage"

a part of the secret marriage, when they say don't tell anybody; it's not haram but it's makruh, because of the documentation (they do it w/o documentation of the marriage contract)

2. The friend marriage

a bunch of kids get together and they make two witnesses, and a wali, and it has no real basis (islamically); if there is a legal authority in the area, you have to go back to them; if they were not active enough, then activate them, because he personally thinks its not valid (its close to zina), because its like transgression

3. Common law marriage

this is pure zina; the man and woman live together for years and after a certain amount of time, they decide to get married


Essential Requirements for the Marriage Contract (waajibaat al 'aqd)

what's the difference between this and the rukun?

1. The Dower

mahr or sadaat- the mahr is ONLY for the woman, or wife; it's not for the father, etc. it's theft for a father to take it from her and keep it for himself, Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) you and your wealth belongs to your father (but this is a different interpretation) and he takes it and keeps it

2. The Suitable Match

al kafaa'a and the match is kufh

3. as shoboot (a testimony)

First: The Rulings of the Dower

1. Definition

mahr/sadaat: something given in exchange for marriage, be it required by the judge or by the agreement of the two parties

2. The Fiqh opinion

it is not a prerequisite or an essentialcomponent of the contract but it still is one of its rulings/requirements, whether you mention it or not, then it still becomes essential to give the maher

if the bride and groom get together with wali and two witnesses, and they accept, etc. then what about the mahr, if it's not stated, (look below) but then it becomes due at the time of the consumation of the marraige

3. Nikah at-tafweed

if they just don't want it, or it's not mentioned, and they dont' want to pay it, this is nikkah at tafweed, the nikkah is valid but condition is invalid, the dowry is due at the time of consumation regardless if they want it or not, it's not for them, but it's for the validity of the marriage contract, because Allah said it in S. Nisaa after htey receive w/their marriage, if they are satisfied in sharing it with you, then it's okay; after the marriage is consumated it's due, and the JUDGE decides the amount, and it HAS to be done this way, and she HAS to recieve it in hand, and THEN she can give it back or whatever

Nikah at-tafweed is when both parties agree on cancelling the mahr (eliminating it from the contract) it is permissible, however, the condition for eliminating it is invalid; even after consumation, he has to pay her the mahr; some scholars say neglecting it completely is also considered so, and it is acceptable and valid but the condition is null and the mahr becomes due at the time of the consumation of the marriage

4. Conditions of the dower

5. The amount allowable for a dower

it should be something valuable (whether it is material or moral value); and valuable islamically; for instance, a man owns a grapevine, and he has a factory of very well-known wine, and it's worth millions of dollars, this cannot be offered as a mahr because it is islamically nothing; what about pigs? no... even if it's as big as a cow. lol

maximum (there is no maximum amount for the mahr)- for instance, he offers $100, and then the wali says go and find $2 million, and legally this is acceptable, but if a man can't pay $100, then can he pay $2 million? probably not... is it recommended? no. but it's allowable because Allah says in Surah Nisa: 20, but if you decide to take one wife instead of another, even if you gave a huge amount of wealth... then you cannot take back anything from it

minimum: hanafi: 10 dirhams (not very much~ a few dollars)

maliki: 3 dirhams (pure silver dirhams of their time)

shafi/hanbal: anything that can be called property or wealth

ibn hazm: anything that is called a thing is acceptable as long as it's halal (even a grain of barley, if she accepts it, it's fine)

it was narrated that a woman married a man for a pair of slippers and that was her mahr and he said will you be satisifed with this and Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said, okay that's fine (and they may have a great value); whether it's material or non-material (such as the Qur'an, or a promise for Umrah or Hajj)

6. Extravagant dowers

this is a very bad habit among Muslim communities, the people would start trading their children for money, and the man proposed to this family so he'd have to be very well-prepared (with thousands, and he'd have to pay all of the members just to be satisfied) and Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) recommended that as much as possible, make it so simple and easy, because if it becomes a burden, he will never forgive you or your daughter; a person was offering $10-$15,000 and while they were performing the contract, he said, didn't we agree on $20,000 but the mom said i think you said $50,000 and he said, let it be, and 2 years later, they were happy, but he'd bring up the issue every once in a while, and he said can i redo my marriage because i have $50,000 on my shoulder, but there's another solution, because this is a debt and it's taken from your miraat if you die, unless the wife forgives you; you can go to an islamic court and cancel it, but it's very dangerous to do so (keep it high); if she's nice, he loves her, but if it's something bad, he'll think $50,000 for you? it happens to such an extent that she requests the divorce, so that he has to pay her back, and he does not just request the mahr be disdained, but for her to pay him back too; and if one keeps it simple, Allah says hold them kindly and release them kindly; if he really loves her, he'll give above and beyond for her; guide people to the straight path with this; most of his wives married for 12 uqiyyah, or about 500 dirhams (which is about $200) and it's not that much; even his daughters, he didn't ask for more than 12 uqiyyah, and it was narrated in many ahadith, that one of the prophecies and signs is teh easy betrothal and easy and simple sadaaq (mahr) (of a righteous or good woman) some ppl think a man is poor, and he'll never be rich, if you're looking to be rich/content, get married; those who don't have enough, just get married, because Allah will put baraqah in your marriage, the wealth to get rich will be in marriage even Allah says that if they are poor, then Allah will bring the risq in the relationship; the ruhul qudus inspired to me that none shall die until it fulfills the term of its risq and life (Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said so), people don't die before their term, NOBODY does; if you think the first, second, etc child will be a burden, just don't worry, Allah will make it easy on them, don't wait till you finish everything, etc etc... because the woman will be more selective when the man is a lot older, but it goes opposite, if a lady chooses to finish, the men will become more selective (sometimes we forget that men are just human beings too~they're really not that hard to figure out, and htey're not that complicated either)

7. When the woman is entitled to her entire dower

at the time of the actual consumation of marriage, what is the meaning of consumation? the majority (jumhur) say that the actual consumation is intercourse; a true seclusion (another opinion) or perfect privacy, they go behind doors where nobody else is there, and there is a chance of them having intercourse; hanbal and some hanafi say that it's the physical enjoyment in a manner less than sexual intercourse; how do they define intercourse (actual penetration) and that is actual consumation of the marriage

if the man dies after a sound marriage contract and no consumation, she still gets the dowr as due; it's also due if the divorce was pronounced on one's death bed

8. The customary dower

al mahr al mithil: if there's no specific amount decided, then go by this- look around in his social class of her relatives and look at her sisters, aunts, etc, and that is mahr mithl, who decides the mahr? the muslim judge or the imam who's involved in taking care of it

9. Dividing a dower

immediate: some can be paid straight away

deferred: some defer it to a case of divorce, and that's the LAST period of divorce, but he CAN pay up to the whole lifetime

both cases are allowable, but here whatever is deferred, it's still your obligation, and you can pay it in your lifetime, in installments if you're willing to pay that much, but sometimes if the father is more protective, then he can pay $20,000, and if she says what you did for me is worth more than a million dollars, and she wishes to let it go, that's fine too

Second: The Rulings of the Suitable Match

1. Definition

al kafaa'a is equality or similarity; legally, it means the equality/similarity of two spouses in different characteristics; some add: to avoid disgrace or shame, they have to be equal

why do fuqahaa require this? it would provide stability to the marriage; if the wife was a physician and the man was a mechanic, then someitmes when they argue, they criticize each others profession or culture, or language, color, etc. to provide stability, the require (it's not integral and nullifies marriage) but it helps bring happiness and social stability

2. The Fiqh opinion

the four imams say it is shart (condition) and it's not an integral of luzum which is a condition to make the contract binding; the contract is somehow valid but suspended; if she marries an unsuitable match, then her awliyaa (any) can disagree and disapprove the marriage and ask for it to be nullified (he may not be well with the whole family) the daleel is in hadith ali- tirmidhi and haakim- three things hsould not be delayed- prayer when time is due, janaaza when time has come and a woman when she has found her suitable match; another- hadith burayda- he married her to his nephew just to raise his social status and then she liked it; shaafi: the major daleel for a suitable match is hadith bareera (and mugheeth), he said that because she was free and he was a slave, then the two aren't suitable for one another

3. Who has the authority to demand suitability?

its up to the woman to demand the suitability in the match and that's why the concept ofthe woman in marriage because if the father brings someone, she has the right to reject him, and also her awliyaa if her awliyaa object, it may be taken into consideration (if he doesn't even pray, and she maintains all 5, then it wouldn't be suitable~ sh would definitley say he's not a suitable match); for the wife and her awliyaa, they have the right to nullify the marriage because the person is not a suitable match

4. To whom suitability is sought, the bride or the groom?

groom to the bride: a man can marry any woman, but accepting any man to the woman is another issue and it's a privelege to the woman, but the man can marry anyone (lol); it's very easy if we just open our hands to make du'a and for Him to make it easy on us

5. Considering the qualities of suitability:

- Faith: ad deen wa khuluk (faith and good manners/righteousness): Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam): if someone proposes and youa re happy with his deen and his manners, then you create much corruption; there is ijmaa on ALL scholars for this

- Chastity: there is a person who is very well known of committing fornication or adultery, but he wasn't found in these places for a while, would that be considered as tawba? some say no, because he may have stopped because of sickness and some say it's because of tawba; if he was seen in the masjid frequently in prayers, and etc. then it's another issue

-Lineage and ethnicity: sometimes people do not like to marry from outside of the country, or city, etc. etc. this is all cultural issues; and some say a syed cannot be with a non-syed

- Wealth: can a poor man marry a rich woman, yes. because wealth is not considered a thing; abd ibn masud and zaynab- she wanted to pay zakah, and bilal was at the door, and she said don't let him know who's asking, but he couldn't not tell, so she was allowed to pay zakah for her husband

- Profession:

- Soundness: intelligent to a less intelligent person- if the man is average and the woman is brilliant

- Age: if the man was 70 and if she was 15, it's allowed but recommended?

- Freedom: free person and slave person

- Heatlh conditions: if husband is disabled and she's not, but she's happy with him

completely deviant are ahmadiya, ismaila, etc that are very shirk oriented, if you know that ppl are extreme in disbelief, then they aren't a suitable match; if their madhabs are different, then that is fine, this would be considered bigotry and ignorance

islamically adoption is haram, but fostering them is okay; to avoid the issue, does breastfeeding mean directly? or can she keep it in the fridge and then put it away, then the milk itself is what counts...

if someone decides on a certain amount for mahr, then what if he buys a car for more or something similar, then ti's up to them, and if they agree before consumatin gthe marriage, if she accepts then that's fine, if its less value, no

stepchildren are not mahram to each other unless the child is less than two and she breast feeds him

Part Three:

The Prerequisites of the Marriage Contract

1. Prerequisites of the validity (shurut sahtah)

a. bride is not mahram to the groom

b. the wali is present (a majority say so) at the time of the contract

c. the witnesses are present (a majority say so) at the time of the contract

2. Prerequisites of the effectiveness (shurut fadal?)

the contract will be valid, but suspended (mawquf), which means one has to wait until some external effect causes the marriage contract to be effective

a. competance of both parties- if one was young (under the age of puberty), it's valid, but effectiveness comes into play if they wish to make it valid or not?

b. to have the authority to perform the contract- if one person is commissioned, with a limited commission, this contract is valid and suspsended at the same time, but it depends on the approval of the man who gave the authority

c. contract performed by intruders- someone looks for a proposal for you, this will also be valid and suspsended until the person approves it; a contract is valid but suspended if a far wali makes the contract, unless the nearest wali approves the contract

if it had the quality of a valid contract, but not of effectiveness, it will not be effective until the person responsible agrees on it

3. Prerequisites of a binding agreement

if it fulfills validity and effectiveness, if ONE thing is left to keep it binding, the following are conditoins:

a. to be free from any final clause (options)- like a condition i'll give it a try for three days, or that they perform the contract and they'd like to wait till the end of the day first or something

b. free from any defect or deceit because if it involves deciet or defect that stops them from enjoying each other then it invalidates it (like a man who proposes to a lady, in her birth certificate, she says she's 18, and then he finds out that she's 30 years old, even thogh the contract fulfilled all validity and effectiveness, he has the right to cancel it even though it was fulfilled completely) the diff between cancellation and divorce <-- loses mahr, gifts, etc. but in the case of deciet, it's annulment and dissentigration and then he can take back the mahr, etc.

rulings of deceits: in the hands of both parties; if he knows she's 30, and he accepts it, then he cannot unbind it, if he accepts it once, then that's it (if then he decides to change his mind, this will need divorce)

Adding Stipulations to the Marriage Contract

The Messenger of Allah salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam said: "Indeed, the conditions are that the most worthy of fulfillment are the ones which you stipulate to make intercourse with women lawful to you." Bukhari and Muslim

the sanctuary of these conditions is very very important (this is what the hadith means)

1. Stipulations which are obligatory to be fulfilled

parts of the requirements of the contract in general- like i agree if he pays me the mahr, but that stipulation is already needed so she doesn't need to put it on; or she considers it as an effect of that, to treat me kindly, and that's already and effect part of teh marriage contrac,t he already has to, and she can put this as a condition to emphasize it, and these are allowed because they just emphasize and don't go against

2. Stipulations which are legally nullified

any conditions which contradict some of the requirements or integrals of the marriage contract (for ex: when sitting w/the wali, and he adds this condition: you marry her on one condition, you don't touch her, if the man agrees (and he can) the contract will be valid but the condition will be nullified) even if it was stipulated in the marriage contract; if the man agrees and says i don't want to pay mahr, and the family agrees, even if the family agrees (nikahul tafweel) then the condition is nullified and he must still pay

3. Stipulations made for the interest of the wife

usually in the interset of both parties, but often it goes to the wife more, like i will not leave houston, or i want a female servant, i don't cook, or i don't want you to marry another wife, or ithmatut talaaq (she has the authority of talaaq in her hands and anytime she asks for talaq to do it right away, he must do so, but it's not recommended)

majority: valid contract and the condition is baatil (nullified) they just neglect these conditions

hanbal: those conditions need to be fulfilled~ hadith earlier (above) the contract is valid and conditions are also binding

sh: follow way of Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) and fulfill those conditions but be very careful

4. Stipulations that are prohibited

things that are haram or lead to haram: like to say divorce your wife first, it's haram but it does not nullify the aqd (contract) and Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said that a woman can not be the reason for their divorce

to cut ties and relationships of the family- not letting a mom visit or to visit a mom, this is haram, but putting this stipulation validates the contract but it's haram

like for instance, if a person says you'll let me commit zina, that is not allowed at all

The Different Status of Marriage Contracts

1. Valid and binding contract

after fulfilling the integrals, the stipulation and effectiveness (everything)

2. Vaild and non-binding contract

after fulfilling the above, but lacks the condition of a binding contract, it has a chance of annullment because of deceit or a defect

3. Supsended contract

after fulfilling conditions/prerequisites of validity, binding contract, still with the approval of the party (the effectiveness?)

4. Invalid contract

if it lacks one of the integrals of the marriage contract

First: The Consequences of a Marriage Contract

First: The Consequences of a Valid and Binding Marriage Contract

1. The conjugal right 'enjoying the spouse's person'

2. The move to his residence

this condition is null- mom can't say stay with me

3. The dower

4. Sustenance and spending

you stay with dad so he can take care of you, because i'm broke

5. The establishment of affinity (unmarriagable kin)

with her mom, her aunts, relatives, etc. and his father, his brothers, etc.

6. The verification of the child lineage

if after 6 months of actual consummation, she gets pregnant, the child is a legal child of that marriage; if she delivers a healthy baby after 5 months, it's not a legal baby

7. The establishment of the inheritance right

if one dies, they can inherit from one another

8. The right of obedience to the husband

obeying the husband takes preference over obeying her parents; it's very important to maintain a great relationship with the in-laws; even if you have the wife already, keep a great relationship with the in-laws

9. The right of husband to chastise his wife

at ta'deeb: education and chastisement; the kind words and admonishing her and if she refuses, abandoning her or sleeping in the same bed w/o enjoyment or fadribuhun, in english it means beat (closest translation), but in Arabic dar means tapping, punching, etc. so Sunnah explains it so, and they exercised the right in a halal way in that the wives complained and Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said they are not among the good people (even though it was made ok when they breka the limit, it wasn't made w/o recognizing the means to do so) some say using miswak (meaning not size) it's more emotional than physical, if it left ANY marks on her body, it's completely forbidden, then how do you do that? emotional more than physical, but he saw said, the best amongst you are those who ar ebest to their wives and i am best to my wives and he NEVER touched his wives, and he saw had many wives, and they were women too, and a'isha would say "the wives of rasululalh saw would soemtimes abandon him and stop talking to him all day utnil night and when he saw would speak, and they'd leave hiim w/o speaking, and they'd bother him w/provision and once abu bakr/umar came and heard this and Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) came and he told his in-laws saying they want more of the duniya and so abu bakr grabbed a'isha talaq and tahreem~ in the end, he swore by Allah he wouldn't touch them for a whole month, and he went in seclusion (al ilah can't exceed 4 months), and umar got very scared for his daughter he rushed there and was crying, did he divorce you? i donno, and he found bilal guarding the stairs, and said where's rasulullah and can you ask persmission for me? and Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) was lying on his side, when men are in an emotional crisis, they withdraw and go in seclusion, women like to speak out, and they just bother them, Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) didnt' answer and umar came down to tell hafsa and he waited so long, and he went back again (3x's), then at the end rasulullah allowed it, and he was standing scared to sit down, and he started joking with him, remmeber when we were in makkah we had a strong grip on our wives, and now in madinah, we see that they have the ways of ansaari, and they do the same (answer back) and when he saw Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) smile, he sat down, and asked did you do so? no, i just did ilah. on 29 days (he said it's made lovely to him women and perfume) he goes to A'isha first, and she said, well the month's not over yet, so Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said, the month can be 30 or 29 days and this month was 29 days; nobody will treat their wives better than Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam), so never use your hands and if you don't like one thing from her, then you'll like something else about her; if you cannot live with her anymore, hold them with kindness or release them with kindness and fear Allah and don't say Allah made it lawful so i'll use it, but Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) never recommended it so don't if you can

10. The kind treatment

from both parties, of course

Second: The Consequences of a Valid and Non-Binding Contract

1. The same consequences of a valid contract

since it it valid, thena ll of the above also count, since it's non-binding, then there is the right to call for the dissintegration or annulment of the contract; they can keep it or leave it

2. The right to call for disintegration of the contract

if a man proposes and they agree after htey consummate it,a nd in the first night she finds he has a disability that's never mentioned, they can ask for revoking of it (even if it was valid and they consummated it)

Third: The Consequences of a Suspended Contract

1. No consequences until it is approved

Fourth: The Consequences of an Invalid Contract

in general its' invalid so consummation can't be done

1. According to the Madhab Iman Abu Haneefah

baatil: null


2. According to the Madhab Imam Malik

baatil: null

3. According to the Madhab Imam Ash Shafi'ee

4. According to the Madhab Imam Ahmad

Second: The Protocol of the Marriage Contract

The Documentation of the Marriage Contract

the marriage contract is binding when the integrals are met (immediately) and documentation is extra to know rights and responsibilities

1. The Fiqh opinion

it is mustahhab, not waajib

there is no thing about documentation, but in 2:282, it's recommended, and so its better to do so

2. The importance of documentation

to preserve the rights of both parties; we counted 10 consequences, these are the things that are rights of both parties, so it helps preserve them

like if a woman complains not spending on him and man says that he doesn't know her or a secret marriage (when there are witnesses, don't let them be easy witnesses, it's okay, but it's not recommended, one can be from brides and one from grooms side, at least one is on your side to support you)

3. The legal requirements for this documentation

it's recommended, so it's not necessary,

4. The wording of this document

but if one would like to do so, then the id's of both the bride and groom are recommended. even if she is not covered in the id, then the imam has to see her at least once, and he asks are you ___ and she says yes, and to take copies of the id also to keep in the file; and personal recommendation, a marriage certificate from the city, they dont' get married in front of the judge, but they document or register it, and it is stamped and saved and filed by the city and it only lacks the signature (yours) and they make a copy and it's legally registered in the city (you don' have to get marreid in the city, you just have to register it); a lot of ppl try to escape the legal responsibilities, and in case there is a revert, then it's important to do so, because if someone is not fearful of Allah, then they may not care so much about it;

5. Islamic centers and marriage documentation

keep files and give them numbers too, because if they travel and it's needed then you can jus tmake them a copy; they do the marriage again, but that's not allowed or permissible, you can just issue a redo

6. Charging money for documentation

this is also recommended, and some complain that it's all done in hand-writing, the imams do it (in arabic not even in english) it has to be done in a very nice way, a standard format used for this

The Ceremonies of a Marriage Contract

1. Who should perform the ceremony?

an authority in the area- not a requirement but highly recommended, and not just any imam, choose someone good, and they should be of the muslim community

2. Marrying outsiders

at least one of the contracting parties hsould be a resident of the area, to avoid problems in the community; if they have an islamic center, ask them to do it there; if they both are out of towners try to avoid it, avoid jeapordizing yourself etc. and your jamaa; and so ppl avoid the certificate, and that's what the people want, and the witnesses are just anybody too; if the man is a newly reverted person, take a certificate to say so, but if he's very active in his community, then there's no need for the clarification

3. The place where the ceremony should take place

recommendation: in the islamic center because it should be announced to the public, some have cultural activities, like at their house, that's fine if it's not a secret marriage; if they want to do it secretly, as an imam, you can choose whether to do so, and tell them not to do so; you can give advice to them but can't tell them you won't do so?

4. Seating the contracting parties

the bride does not have to be there, but htey should be both in front of the imam in the same place and the wali can be there

5. The different words of the spoken form

be specific about words of ijaab and qabul, and there are different forms of documentation

6. A marriage contract: step by step

1. verify documentation (take the copies and the id's and have them read it to revise it) if it's okay then go to the bride w/2 witnesses; if she is covered, then match faces, and ask her are you ______ if she says yes, and you can ask her to verify in front of witnesses do you wish to have guardian as father, and she can say yes, and if he was following hanafi: father had right to do so, but other madhabs stop straight away and marriagecannot take place; does she agree on mahr, if she receives it or not? any conditions.. if she says no, then go to man, verify, conditions, no.... alhamdulillah; everyone to sign documents and leave your signature at the end (get wtinesses and all to sign) and his sig should be delayed till end, even with seal, etc. then start actual performance of the marriage contract

Example of the Declaration of the Marriage Contract:

(the certificate should look pretty though)

Sunnah is to start with beg. of khutbah

face husband, and imam pronounces the words and ask them to repeat after you facing the other party but all below don't need to be verified just say, I___ accept ____ then annouce, on such a date on AH and AD then you are husband and wife islamically and then the women can celebrate; sign make copies, keep the original and then file it

Declaration of the bridegroom:

"I........, a Muslim, born on .........., residing in ..........., phone number ( ), SS #/DL ................. accept Miss .................. as my wife according to the precepts of the Qur'an and Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam. I declare to abide by the laws of Islam as a Muslim husband in the presence of the gathering and the witnesses and Allah is the best witness of all."

I also promise to give ..................... as Dower to my wife.

Declaration of the bride (or wali)

"I........... of ............. fatih, born on .........., residing in ..........., phone number ( ), SS #/DL ................. accept Mister.................. as my husband according to the precepts of the Qur'an and Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam. I declare to abide by the laws of Islam as a Muslim wife in the presence of the gathering and the witnesses and Allah is the best witness of all."

I also accept conditions and Dower specified.

Third: The Marriages of the Messenger of Allah Salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam

Ummahatul Mu'mineen

1. The total number of the wives of Rasulullah

disagreement of scholars, they all agree there were 11 and he died leaving behind 9, and two died in his lifetime-khadijah and zaynab bint khudayja? and along with 11 there is dispute on 3- maariyaa kuttiya- a wife or concubine because she was gifted by king of egypt; and 2 were one that he married came to his house, and he saw a defect on her w/o touching her he sent her home, and another was when she came to him, she said i seek refuge with Allah from you, and he saw said you sought real refuge (w/Allah), so go home

2. Marrying Ummahatul Mu'mineen

a. Khadija bintu Khuwailid radiya Allahu anha

all his children except ibrahim were from khadija, and there were 7- zaynab al kubra, ibrahim, kaasim, abdullah, ummul kulsum, fatima, ruqaaya; from her, four girls and two boys, ibrahim and abdul kaasim all died in his life time; all his daugthers exc. fatima die din lifetime; umm kulusm and ruqayah to uthman? and abdul aas ibnul rabiyya was married to ruqaya (she died too) and fatima to ali ibn taalib and she died 6 mo after his death

b. Souda bintu Zam'aa radiya Allahu anha

he married her a few days after death of khadija

c. A'isha bintu Abi Bakr radiya Allahu anha

ctonracted the marriage with abu bakr in makkah but consummation in madinah when she was 9 or 10 and she was the only maiden woman he saw married

d. Hafsa bintu Omar radiya Allahu anha

e. Zainab bintu Khuzaima radiya Allahu anha

ummul masaakin, she was very charitable and she died in his lifetime

f. Umm Salama Hind bintu Abi Ummayyaa radiya Allahu anha

she said i'm old, jealous, and children

g. Zainab bintu Jahsh radiya Allahu anha

wife of adopted son zaid bin haaritha; she was his cousin (she was only one married to revelation)?

h. Juwairiyyah bintu Al-Harith radiya Allahu anha

she was captured after a battle w/banu mustalib and she became part of the share of the sahaba thaabitul bintu qaais bintu bin maas? and she was an honorable rank in society and she went to rasulullah and she said that help convince him to pay for me? and she was recommended that he would pay the ransom, and marry him and she was given to one ansaari to take care of her utnil she passed the 'iddah to see if she wasnt' pregnant

i. Umm Habibah bintu Abi Sufyan radiya Allahu anha

the mekkan era was contract, but consummation was 7 ah, because during khaybar is when it happened; because ppl who migrated to abbysinia, they stayed there till 7th year until treay of hudaybiah and when they came back um habiba came back w/them; and when abu sufiyan heard, he was honored (though he was enemy) and he said she desrves him and he deserves her; when he came to visit his daughter for a long time, (after rejectio nto resume the treaty) and he wanted to sit down, but she folded the mattress of rasulullah why are u doing this? because i don't deserve it or because it's bad? and she said, this is the mattress of Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) and you are a munafiq and najas, and she kept praying for him for guidance (under 1 yr he convertd)

j. Safiyyah bintu Huyay radiya Allahu anha

jew daughter of leader of jewish community; her father was kille dbefore that, and Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) proposed for her and she accepted and her mahr was her freedom

asma bintu nu'maan al kindiyaa- she had a defect (no consummation)

'amrah bintu yazeed- who said i seek refuge (no consummation)

k. Maymoona bintu Al-Harith radiya Allahu anha

sis in law of his uncle al abaas ibn mutalib and ibn abaas was her nephew

3. The lineage of Ummahatul Mu'mineen




umm habiba

umm salama


arab not from quraish

zaynab jasht-


zaynab bint kuzaimay


asma bintu nu'maan

'amra bintu yazeed

non arab

safiya- jew

maariya-christian from egypt

Plural Marriage

1. Polygamy or Polygyny?

2. Ruling of Polyandry

3. What is the default in marriage; monogamy or polygny?

monogamy is the default~ marrying one wife

is there a preference? does islam prefer more than one? some say it's recommended more than one, but the sound opinion is that it's not recommended to marry more than one, because Allah says in the Qur'an, i fyou think you cannot treat them justly, then marry only one; Allah says in Surah Nisa: you will never be able to perfectly be just even if you do your best to do so, maybe because of emotional aspects, and even Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) stated that when he gave them financial rights, he'd say "O Allah this is my portion, in which i have control over, do not hold me accountable for what i have no control over" from this we see it's very hard to achieve justice, and if he doesn't treat one wife better, then he will come leaning on one side on the DOJ (financially, time, efforts) but the heart is another issue

4. The justification of polygny

-General reasons: 1. solving the social problems of women over numbering men- this is common in every society- in the u.s. if every man married a woman, there are still going to be 8 mill women w/o men and just in New York, they will have 1 million men left in new york; how do we solve the problem? obviously not prostitution; why are men less? the ratio is higher in women, but with men it's very fatal; in germany alone after wwII the ratio of men to women were either 1:4 or 1:6 so they petitioned that they wanted temporary polygyny and it was denied; and in these countries today there is a large pornography industry

2. the need in our ummah to increase the population; Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) recommended that for us, and he said that they will flow over the horizon

3. stronger affinities and relationships- in the society; and that's why Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) had to marry more than anybody else to bring all different tribes and ethnicities in his community together

- Specific reasons: different from one individual to another

1. wife is barren- he doesn't want to leave her, because he loves her but he wants children

2. sickness or weakness

3. abhorrance- they hate each other, but they stay together for the sake of children

4. strong sexual drives in men, which last longer than in women

5. Limiting the plural marriage up to four

a. because it's Allahs Command and He knows Best

b. to achieve full satisfaction in extreme cases with men; if three of his wives are in their period, then he can go to another wife if he has the need

c. feeling injustice in which it's strongly ? that a man would marry more than four; because Allah says if you feel you can't deal justly w/them, then only ONE- in collection of hadith, a man had 11 wives so Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) commanded him to keep 4 and another man embraced islam and he had 8 wives and Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said keep 4, so Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam)'s practice was to keep 4; people calculate this as 9 (2 plus 3 plus 4) because when Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) died, he had 9 women, and this was made exclusively for him (as in S. Ahzab)

6. Rulings of plural marriage

1. are marriages are equal, binding, and with the same responsibilities for all

2. wife no. 1 is not the chief of the rest of them, none can serve another, or be above another

3. wife no. 4 is not w/preferential treatment over other wives- they still get equal treatment, exc in the first week of marriage, he should give a maiden 7 days and then onto the other wives

4. deal with them justly- abu dawud/tirmidhi- whoever has 2 wives and leans unduly to one of them, he will come on the doj w/half his body leaning to one side because he was unjust; in his time and wealth, his heart is in the hand of Allah (SWT)

the two teams were by a'isha and zaynab (his cousin) and a'isha said "she was my rival" hafsa sawda and safiya went to a'isha and the rest went to zaynab, and the wives would complain because sahabi would wait till he saw was at a'isha's house; and jealousy is natural, and it's an instinct for survival, because they wouldn't strive for better

The Messenger of Allah salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam and Plural Marriage

1. Muhammad salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam as a man

practicing plural marriage became a cultural thing... most less-educated ppl get involved in this and don't do it right; here in the west they do it illegally (wife + mistresses)

he stayed w/khadija for longest, until he was 50 years old

2. Muhammad salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam as a Messenger

Allah wanted to legislate the permissibility of plural marriages through him;

3. The reasons for plural marriages in the life of Rasulullah

- educational reasons

a'isha: he was so shy, even more than the maiden in her own room, he would turn red; if it were meant to be, then he would have stayed with khadija... then the example of ansaari woman who asked about blood, and a'isha did the right thing; maymuna related about ghusl- after janaaza, and even a'isha said so, and Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) would play w/her in the shower, and said "leave me some?"

- legislative reasons

like adoption- to say that it's completely forbidden, and he married zaynab who was once his adopted sons wife

- social reasons

sawda was a convert in makkah and she was under pressure and stress, to give us an idea that a man can marry for social reasons

- political reasons

safiyah- daughter of a Jew

daughter of abu sufyan (enemy)

daughter of trive of banu mustallif

- Qatada -
04-28-2007, 09:47 PM
Chapter 5:

Uniting in Goodness: Wedding and Intimacy

First: Announcing the Marriage

The Messenger of Allah salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam said: "Distinguishing between the forbidden and the permissible (with regard to marrying a woman) is the voice (of singing) and the beat of the duff." At-tirmidhi

these are only for women, then men can do poetry; if a man can hear the celebration, then that's fine (not sitting face-to-face)

The Wedding Party

1. The Fiqh opinion

a majority say it's highly recommended through a wedding party

adh dhuri said it's waajib, and so he nullified the secret marriage- A'isha came back once and Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) asked where she was (women can go out occassionally in general to different places) she said she attended a wedding for the ansaaris and he said did you have singing and playing the duff? and he said you should and he told her what she could say, like ataynakum...

2. The meaning of announcing the marriage

some say two witnesses is enough but most say no a party is announcing it

it means take it out to the public

3. Weddings and customs

everything is permissible unless there is something in shariaa to prohibit it, even the zaggari; using fireworks is okay too; if they resemble religious customs of other religions, then they should be forbidden like throwing the boque (this is something related to qadr, and this is bidda and disbelief in al qadr)

4. Singing in the wedding party

yes- but what type of singing? displaying zina in a verbal way (in songs) is haram, and scholars say it should be singing/poetry w/o fahsh (evil) and it should display good morals/manners

5. The use of instruments

except for the duff is haram- Allah created us and the best guidance is that of Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam)

6. Dancing in the wedding

personally from sh. al baani- for women, as long as it's classical, it's okay, but the kind they do now, like belly-dancing is not allowed, but not in front of the men

when men in the past would dance, they'd demonstrate the sword dances, some also grab staffs now; in some countries they use guns!

7. Rulings of different customs in the wedding parties:

a. Extravagance in wedding parties: haram; average marriages in their social class/status, if they are very wealthy and can easily afford $10,000 that's okay, but it's not necessary, people can do it for $100, too, just look at the average

b. Free mixing: haram, but if women observe full hijab and men lower gaze and women celebrate in desert w/man on one side and women on one, it's okay, because that's how ppl of madinah did so; one of the young sahabi who married, the bride served rasulullah who brought him a cup of juice made of dates

c. Wedding rings: it has the same ruling- just to be mark of marriage, it's not an islamic custom, in general it's okay so long as they're not gold, and platinum is okay too, (anything but real yellow gold is okay)

d. Presenting the bride and groom: exposing brides to public is completely haram

e. The groom in the womens section: to stand for pictures, etc. and they bring everyone, and they may expose people with full hijaab, so it's awkward for them

f. Recording the wedding party: he asked his own brother, do you enjoy watching it, he said, forget bout it and its embarassing; this is not the ruling; the men can take footages, but women who are exposed are not allowed, (fear Allah!) and some ppl do so with cell phones

g. The wedding procession: as long as they are in full hijab that's okay

h. Gowns and Tuxedos: there is no limit so long as it does not contradict the shariah

8. Weddings at the time of Rasulullah salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam

from banu najah, they were saying poetry "we are ladies from Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) and we love that Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) is our neighbor and he said that and by Allah i love you too" and once Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) heard people celebrating, and w/arabic poetry, there was one line about Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) knowing ghayb, he said leave that and speak something else

The Congratulations upon Marriage

"Allah's blessing for you and blessing upon you. May you be joined together in goodness."

any other words of celebration can be said so long as they don't have anything haram related to them

The Wedding Dinner 'Waleemah'

should be after consumation of marriage

1. Definition

a title in arabic for the meal served for marriage, inviting others to come and eat

2. The Fiqh opinion

it is mustahab- of majority

some say it's wajib-the dhahiriya because ... ibn 'awf, a good merchant who married and Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said he saw signs of a married person; he said i got married and he asked about the mahr and he said make a waleemah even if it's just a goat

3. Time of the Waleemah

??the next day, dates that were cooked w/butter and wheat was the meal (hays)

4. The amount of Waleemah

anything that is possible to you

5. Sending invitations for the Waleemah

it is acceptable, but when you do so, (it's just for the rich people not for children or poor); Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) disliked these types, and it deprives those who deserve it the most; juhaa- like a clown, a source of fun and jokes (jester), he saw people in line once going in a house and he smelled the food, so he said who are you? i'm juha... so he wasn't allowed in, and he noticed why... because they're dressed fancy so he went to a friend and put on a nice suit and the guy said come in, he grabbed the food with his hands/sleeves, he said i got in here because of this not me, so it deserves to eat

6. Responding to Waleemah

waajib! whether positively or negatively, send apology with du'a but try your best to go; Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said if someone offers food, accept, but if someones fasting, make dua for them

7. Extravagance in wedding feasts

haram unless you're sure leftovers can be used for other people (less fortunate)


Marriage and Intimacy

"At the heart of mankind's existence is the desire to be intimate and to be loved by one another. Marriage is designed to meet that need for intimacy and love."

we all have the desire to love and be loved; the love for an intimate partner, to enjoy the pleasure of this life the way Allah wills it to be possible for us; marriage was designed to help do this in a halaal way

many scholars of the past explained these ideas in detail

Islam and Sexuality

1. A conservative look between excessiveness and liberalism

the moderate look, wassattiya (the middle of two extremes); islam comes between the two extremes of everthing

in a matter of sexuality, it's extreme on both sides, so much so that it becomes a taboo in their societies, and they have no guidance, so they do it the wrong way; the other extreme is that they are very liberal- people in the west were effected in the west by these ideas and he had no problem walking around bare in front of his children

Allah speaks about these matters: Baqarah: "The women are a tilth for you and you are a tilth for them, approach them in any position you wish" (this talks about positions of performing sex); the arabs in makkah only knew one position, in madinah they practiced different positions (not anal); and they asked Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) if it's okay and Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) waited for the answer and it therefore it permitted it so

Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) recommended that a man be intimate, like with jaabir, (take a maiden to play with her); a'isha: he would kiss her"; many ahadith describe intimate relations between the two

the terms are also mentioned in Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam)'s words; intercourse: professional and slang was used in hadith of Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam); ma'az came to Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) and said ya rasulullah, i committed adultery, and hesaw tried him, and he used the word that was similar to the "f" word... and even a hand guesture

2. Understanding sex from a western perspective

headers of the european culture; and with the philosophy of europe, they had to go through experiences, and so freud's complex is that every thing is based around sex, and he said so because this opposes the religious text in christianity and judaism, and that sex is a sin and having intercourse is a pleasure, but it should not be done so, and you have to do it but it's not pure; and the other extreme, complete liberalism (to expose themselves, exposing nudity, and displaying affection in public, etc.)

3. Understanding sex from an Islamic perspective

1. it is ghareeza (natural instinct)- part of nature, or fitrah; when Allah created us, He created mankind wanting one another (in attraction- a general attraction);

3. sex is not a sin by itself nor is it a punishment

4. it's mud'aa or pleasure of this life, are we allowed as Muslims to enjoy it? yes, because Allah commanded us to use the earth to enjoy life in a lawful way; ibnul ? tasting the lazaat (pleasures) of this life are three: 1. physical- we share it with the animals, 2. illusive- the pleasure of a high status or position, and 3. spiritual/intellectual- being honest, decent, intelligent, etc. and this pleasure is similar to pleasure of malaaika, even though they don't have lazaa, but it raises you up to their level

4. Sexuality in religious texts and Fiqh works

ayahs and hadith above

fiqh people bring up issues of love, foreplay, masturbation, etc., and they're available wherever they talk about marriage

5. The sexual drive between man and woman

man might have a stronger drive because he doesn't have to experience the stress of it, like pregnancy (women are more reluctant to have this relationship with their own spouses sometimes) and Allah is the Creator so that's why it is lawful for them to marry more than one

6. Ibnul Qayyim on the virtues of legal intercourse

it has it's benefits: 1. askalu linnaas- tranquility and peace in the hearts, because woman was created from his rib, they are restless until they meet each other; this is a form of relaxation

2. askul? - lawful lust and desires- to fulfill this; if a person is very obsessed, they'll think about one another all the time, and it may block them from regular activities, and two categories are: the poets and the bedoins (the poets brag in their poetry, and bedoins are always around their wives)

3. sadaqa and 'ajr- charity and an act of 'ajr, if he does it lawfully there will be reward and just the opposite as well (punishment for unlawful ways)

4. brings lovers together- for those who are in love, nothing is better than an nikaah; there are also medical benefits as well as psychological and social benefits

Islam brings lawful treatment to fulfill this desire, and help them with marriage if it's an issue

7. Sexual hygiene in Islam

Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) guided us to take care of our hygiene:

1. regular showers- especially for women, because they're not allowed in public w/perfume, and their perfume is to take a shower

2. circumcision

3. shaving the pubic area and underarms for men and women (hair removal is allowed so long as it is done)

4. madhi- discharge after using the bathroom, etc. it is advised to remove that and clean themselves; when men think too much about this, then the prostatic discharge comes out, one must wash private parts and make wu'du, this can happen even w/foreplay; it does not nullify his ghusl

5. mani- sperm is taahir (not najas) but it is filth and has to be removed, and a'isha would prepare a piece of cloth near his bed, she would hand the cloth to him (wet/damp) to wipe his body and she would do the same and wipe her body with it too

Etiquette of the Wedding Night

al Qaadi shuray lived in 1 ah and lived in time of shaafi, he was one of the strongest judges, and he got married to a lady and when he was alone, he was about to touch her and she said take it easy abut umayyah and she said, inal hamdulillah... and she said i am a foreigner for you, what do you like and dislike? and people who you hate, let me know and she said, " a qulu qawli haada astagfirullah" he said she forced me to do a khutbah so he had to say "innal hamdulillah" and so he answered those questions, and occasional visits from the in-laws so that he could keep up her interestingness, and he said that this will be for you or against you, and then he said a qulu qawli haada astagfirullah" and he married her for 20 years, and nothing wrong w/her

umama: to her daughter, if anybody loves you, it's us (parents) and right now is the time to leave your nest to move to another nest; she said the best advice: if you submit for him as a slave, he will submit to you as a slave, if she shows submission, and if he has average iman, wa Allahi he will submit too; if a wife submits, he'll try to be better than her in submission; some ppl have envy, because he doesn't like to confess that he's better, so he acts worse

1. Treatment with kindness

it is very important to set the house and prepare it very well before the party, the environment, not just the bed, like flowers or chocolates, dinner, like cookies, etc... not just to wait for the moment, sit down and enjoy each others company first; some of these habits are immoral (waiting for man to have "proven" his manhood)- so he can prepare the house, and have an intimate time even before reaching bed

prepare a special gift, to exchange with one another, and have something really special to give to them that night, it will be so valuable to them, that they will not get rid of it, it will leave a great impact

2. Reciting the supplication

allahumma nasaluka khairaha was khaira hai wa auzu bika min shari ha

it also means that the wife should ask the same to Allah

3. Praying two rak'as

it is recommended and if the man leads the wife to establish the house w/ibaadah

4. Considering general hygiene

be clean, smell good, and take a shower, do not be hasty; help one another out in the right manner

5. Taking time for satisfying foreplay

Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) recommended it, and said it's very important to do so

6. Observing the permissible intercourse

in the legal place (anal sex is haram)

7. Giving equal time to arrive at full satisfaction

Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) mentioned in ahadith that the man should not be hasty after he is satisfied until she is also satisfied

8. Keeping the secrets of the sexual life

Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said that those who have relations with spouses and talk to others about it are like two devils who describe these things to the public; it does NOT have to be the first night, so give them some time

Intimacy in the Bedroom

there is also a du'a

1. The default ruling of sexual acts

everything is acceptable unless there is something forbidden

2. The permissble sexual acts

Allah says, "wa aashiru hunna bil maa'ruf" meaning treat them kindly according to the custom/practice (treating kindly in even intimate ways); some people are not used to acts due to culture, and Allah says "they are a tilth for you..." any position is okay so long as it is in a lawful manner; Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam)- what is allowed when she is in her period- everything except intercourse (some say meaning everything, like different positions, oral sex-amongst majority, and they leave it to the individual, mutual masturbation is okay, it does not have to be in the bedroom so long as it's a modest place); what about in the desert, or farm/forest? the default is if people know nobody is watching, it is okay so long as nobody is watching; Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) took shower w/his wives, like maymuna-a'isha reported so; even in pregnancy, it is okay so long as there is no harm on one another and the baby

3. The impermissible sexual acts

intercourse in her menstrual period; taping or recording; watching anything (cannot expose people to watch this)

Contraception methods and Birth Control

1. Contraception methods

if there is such a thing as family planning or birth control, it is permissible and mubah; hadith jaabir? "we used to practice al-'azl- ejaculation takes place outside the body of the spouse?" so that the sperm would not allow her to conceive; mu'aadh ibn jabl? he had a female slave, he did not want to make her pregnant so al-'azl was allowed; it is not recommended to stop having children, but it is allowed? permanent contraceptives is not allowed unless it's medically disapproved

2. Abortion

it is haram as a form of birth control; all fuqaha agree that after four months (soul is blown into body) it becomes haram unless it is to protect the life of his mom; before 4 months, some say it's allowable and some say it's strictly haram and considered a crime w/a penalty

3. The Fiqh opinion

- Qatada -
04-28-2007, 09:48 PM
Chapter 6:

'On a Footing of Kindness': Marital Rights

"And women shall have rights similar to the rights against them, according to what is equitable; but men have a degree (of advantage) over them." Al Baqarah 2:228

this was covered in detail (in a series) in march

First: The Story of Women's Rights

The Women's Rights Case

1. Definition of women's rights

these often mean the right to vote; it started w/this; then, other rights gradually came along in the west, too- women had to work, then take their kids, they'd come home while men would go drink and come home drunk, and women got low salaries but they wanted equal wages; and they won the right to vote; the way they dressed, etc was hard for them, too and same w/the fashion; women wanted to enjoy life w/careers so they abandoned family life and they still wanted pleasure (premarital relations- birth w/o wedlock) and conservatives were controlling them, and this meant zina and social corruption; they fought for abortion, and it was a part of the development of the women; and they were all almost political movements

2. Why calling for women's rights

3. The evolution of feminism

4. Islamic perspective

all of these rights were already in Islamic law; like the issue of education, legal competance (property under their own names and checking accounts, too); in Islam, Muslim women enjoyed that right and had it too

Gender Equity in Islam

1. Are men and women equal?

the question itself is invalid, because if you seek equality, you need to find same characteristics; they are not equal or unequal, ti just depends on the area we are discussing

2. Differences or preferences?

they are different, and that difference is due to preference

there is a preference of men over women and a women over men; they were created different w/a unique role for each

men can't play the role of women and women can't do the role of men the way they were designed; in feminism, women have preference, the more she is into her gender, and same w/them, it's preferred for them; when men act like women and vice versa, how do people look at them? women w/very high careers lost the opportunity to be married and w/children, and they unanimously agreed, the olders said- they'd just get married and youngs said they'd want to be at the higher level; they didn't get married because men would say "oh" because men do not like competition from their own wives and they try to escape it; women are preferred in their area and vice versa; "and the men have similar rights and men will have a degree over them (in advantage)" what does that entail- extra responsibility;

3. The natural differences between man and woman

- physiological differences

- emotional differences

- neurological differences: clear descriptions on their different ways of thinking; men are from mars and women are from venus is like a book that tells their neurological differences; when Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) knew that the ppl of kurayba broke the treaty, he went into his tent and he stayed alone, and after sometime, he came out and started encouraging people; a'isha: when he had been befallen w/something v. serious, he would go to salah; when he saw was in deep thinking, he would grab his beard (he'd be withdrawing); women are the opposite- they like to talk about their problems, the men take defensive positions because he thinks it's out of blame; men do not like to tell their problems in public- so he hates the idea of talking to the shaykh or imam; because of these differences, women master the language better than men, and during the crisis they cannot express themselves in excessive happiness or sadness, and in arguements they like to cut it off immediately, and they master the language, because Allah enabled them to control the language better than anybody else

Allah says, "the most honorable in the sight of Allah are those who are most fearful to Allah"

Hadith Abi Said Al Khudri radiya Allahu anhu

In the translation of the abridged Sahih Bukhari:

"I have not seen anyone more deficient in overcontrolled/overinfluenced (men have preferences- they can visualize things in 3D better) and religion than you. A cautious sensible man coudl be led astray (I say: lose his firmness) by some of you. the women asked: "O Messenger of Allah! What is deficient in our intelligence and religion? He said: Is not the witness of two women equal to the witness of one man? They replied in the affirmative. He said: this is the deficiency in your intelligence. Isn't it true that a woman can neither pray nor fast during her menses? The women replied in the affirmative. He said: this is the deficiency in your religion."

if men claim to be smarter, then women are still smarter when it comes to "twisting their arms"

Rephrasing the translation:

"I have not seen anyone (over controlled- over influenced) more diminished (decreased) in perception and religion than you. A cautious sensible man could lose his firmness and determination by some of you. The women asked: O Messenger of Allah! What is diminished (decreased) in our perception and religion? He said: Is not teh witness of two women equal to teh witness of one man? They replied in the affirmative. He said: this is the diminution (decrease) in perception. Isn't it true that a woman can neither pay nor fast during her menses? The women replied in the affirmative. He said: this is the diminution in your religion."

Rights and Obligations between Man and Woman

1. Differences of rights or preferences?

giving each what they deserve, there's no preferences though

2. Rights and obligations in Islamic law

even rights and obligations, not equality

if there is a scale with 100 lbs of steel vs 100 lbs of feathers; rights and obligations are distributed equally but in different "scales" (*ask farah*); the mass is different but it is still equal in rights and these are the obligations, etc. look at the whole picture... in inheritance, they take more because they are responsible parties

3. Equal rights and obligations between man and woman

in deen and in the right to work for the aakhiraa; in some places, women aren't allowed to be righteous because they were created "evil"; but here, they are born w/o sin and they don't have any sins so they both can work for the aakhiraa; and women have souls too- some people said that women don't have souls, they are evil or that they are not human souls (all except Maryam as)

humanity, education, financial positions, etc.

4. Different rights and obligations between man and woman

a. al kiwaama (guardianship)- if there's a physical requirement, preference is given to the man, it's given as a right and a responsibility; they are still repsonsible to stand for their decisions and if it fires back then they can't push their wives to solve the problems

b. al miraat- preference was given to men because they are financially repsonsible for the family and that's why brothers take more than sisters because whatever he gets, it's his share + he's responsible for women, whereas womens inheritance is just for her

Second: The Rights of Spouses

1. Mutual rights

- having the right to enjoy one another: to enjoy conjugal relations

- treating each other in good manners: its her right that you treat them kindly, and it's not that one is doing another a favor if they do so; who's repsonsible for the house? Allah says: bil ma'ruf- if it's her custom that she is served in her own house, then provide her a servant UNLESS she says that she'll do it herself; if she is from a prestigious family, then he needs to provide it for her if she'd like and if he can't afford it, then he should not marry her, or that he should stipulate it in the marriage contract; he saw would be part of the family until he heard the adhaan, he saw would sew his own slippers, and milk the goat, and mop and clean the house with his own hands

- establishing the right of inheritance: they inherit each others inheritance

2. The Rights of the Husband

- obedience: "bil ma'ruf"; if he orders you somehing haram, you do not obey it; if it's not haram, then to obey him is better for you

- remaining in the house, and leaving with persmission: unless he gives general persmission to go certain places, but it's still highly recommended to check with him; if they decide about work, etc. then that's binding and he has to be patient with it

- responding to his call when he calls her to bed: as discussed above; be receptive and understanding towards her- Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said, and dont be like aman who's so rude that he beats his slave and at teh end of the day, he goes and hugs her in bed

- protecting his house in his absence: (and property)

- serving the husband: according to ma'ruf (custom/tradition)

- protecting his honor, children and wealth: not to allow anybody at home w/o his permission (esp. male members)

- be thankful to him: Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) warned that more women would be in jahanum than men, which is denying the favor of 'aashi, husbands, never tell them you've never seen anything good from them, or "what have you done for me?"

- chastisement: (as above)

3. The Rights of the Wife

- treating her in kind and good manner: she always beautifies herself for him, and he wants her perfect in everything; ibn abaas- was fixing his turban and beard, and someone said, you even find this in teh Qur'an (because he was the interpreter of the Qur'an) yes... the way I would like to see her, then I want her to see me the same way, too

- teaching her the matters of the religion and worship:

- maintaining her chastity: some men unfortunately are always busy and their wives are always upset and desperate so he buys her a DVD player so that she can watch mtv, etc. that's not what she's looking for

- financially maintaining her: (perfectly); give her financial security, give her money that is hers, this is yours and this is for the house, so she feels secure that she's not taking it from the house; and she doesn't want him to pay for everything, but she'd rather have some authority over the moeny that is HERS, but not the CC (lol)

4. The Rights of the In-Laws

- Establishing the forbiddance of marriage to relatives: abu umayyah shuraif advised his own wife about them not coming frequently because then he doesn't want them to get bored and vice versa

- The right of hospitality: traditions and customs determine between right and wrong

- The nature established relationship

From the Life of Rasulullahi SalAllahu alayhi wassalam

Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) treated his wives such that they all loved him so much and noone complained about his rude manners, etc. and if they complained it was normal between husband and wife- like he may criticize one for jealousy and they'd get mad and so they wouldn't talk to them until night; Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) was sitting in the middle and a'isha cooked khabitha and she liked it but sawdah didn't and a'isha said why don't you try it? i don't like it... either you eat or i wipe your face w/it and sawdah didn't eat, and Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) bent his knee to say retaliate so she took it and did it back to a'isha; a'isha was arguing w/him and abu bakr heard him and he started chasing her and she hid behind him, and Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said don't worry i'll take care of it, and he turned around to talk and he said i protected you from your father bukhari; tirmidhi- Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) came to kiss a'isha and she said i'm fasting, he said i'm fasting too; a'isha- Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) would kiss his wives when he was fasting and then he'd go out to salah, so he can kiss his wife before work and salah (shafi- nullifies wudu just to touch them); zaynab (rival) said, no he never kissed his wife, but maybe her (a'isha) because whenever he saw a'isha, he would never hold himself from her; and safiyah- Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) wanted to assist her to get on the camel, so he kneeled she stepped on him and he covered her from the other side, so men should open the doors for their wives; Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) was in itikaaf one time in ramadan, he was absent from house of safiyah so she went to see him at night, in the masjid, she went to him in the masjid and she sat with him for some time, and then she wanted to go home, he went out with her all the way out the masjid, and they stood again outside the masjid to talk and they felt shy (the companions), they said, this is my wife, safiyah, and they said, we would never suspect you, and he said shaytan will flow in the blood of adam just like the bloodstream; maymuna- had a shower w/rasulullah; some have a weak narraration of a'isha about not seeing each others private parts; how would they know that he cleaned his private parts for ghusl then

- Qatada -
04-28-2007, 09:49 PM
Chapter 7:

'The Languages of Love'

Maintaining Love and Marital Life

"We must be willing to learn our spouse's primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love."

some men work hard to express their love and when the women complain, then the men say it's all for you; and then the wives do the same and maintain and keep the house, and she says she is doing it all for her

what's the problem at home?

Love after the Wedding

1. Does marriage kill love? stastics in the US say yes because 48% of the marriages end up in divorce; and there is a 62% of divorce in the second marriage, and in the third, it's 75-78%- it gets less as you go up; marriage should not cause love to fade; if they enjoy the pleasure that Allah made lawful for them, then it should increase the love between them; those who commit haram before marriage will fight each other on the DOJ and part of this will take place in the duniya as well

2. Communicating love to your partner:

3. Rationalizing love in marital life: the first look which kindles the heart, and you fall in love, they think that that is it, and that is the person- they rationalize that this person is different, and this is just illusive, so love needs to be rationalized; just like the love tank and checking accounts- if you keep demanding, it will cause a bankruptcy in the end; it's not just announced, it's and action, too; so show it through your actions, be kind and give gifts, write letters, express your feelings, and communicate love

Understanding the Differences

1. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus- people from mars have power, achievement, etc as their values, so men often like car magazines, etc, while women like other types of magazines

on Mars there are factories and offices; on Venus, there are parks, cafes, etc.

women like to fulfill their social desire, and men should get down and dig too!

2. Understanding the different values

men often like power, authority, achievement, speed, they fulfill their desires to grow, therefore men don't usually like to be criticized for what they do, because they think they can do it all by themselves; to complete each other not to compete

women like to grow and develop, and they are not selfish like men they like everyone to grow with them, she says why don't you ask a plumber

3. Crisis approach, and coping with stress

men like to withdraw, because that's their nature; they put themselves in bigger problems (so theirs look smaller); when a man needs space he goes to his cave, if you try to go after him, the dragon will burn you (his rude manners), if you try to violate his space, he will fire you, just leave him and he'll feel satisfied, but some women have to chase; she feels he's hiding something or he doesn't love her

women like to talk; she's complaining to the husband and since he solves problems, he offers solutions, like quit, she just wants to express herself, and relieve herself so that someone understands her, she doesn't want to quit, she just needs to resolve the things; and he tries to help clean, but she finds it insulting, she doesn't want him to do it, just to listen; women like to go out to speak; she doesn't need answers, but she just wants them to listen, unless she wants a solution

4. The motivation power

men's motivation is to see someone who needs their help; he gives if she shows she needs him, and he will feel confident that he's doing something for her; when some women are independent, they go to the bar or to someone who is desperate because he thinks she needs him; he becomes disfunctional when they act independent

women usually give because they care, and they don't give until they feel confident; they have emotional instability and when they get emotional security then they start giving immediately, and financial security isn't exactly the same satisfaction; if she's not emotionally secure, she will never give.. how?

5. Expressing feelings through different languages

sometimes men and women have different cycles of intimacy; the men work like a rubber band, when they are so close they become lose, they need more momentum so they stretch really far till there is no more space (it may need time) and then when they withdraw, they will come back fast, and then they keep following him, because he never gets strong enough to come back to her, so he needs his space

and women are lik waves- they go up and down, it can't go up unless she cleans her emotional dept. when he doesnt' understand, then she keeps it inside, and he causes her stress, and then she may not be able to go up, and maybe not too high, she needs a hug and a sincere understanding from the husband

6. Our emotional differences

Different Languages of Love

1. Words of affirmation: if the husband or wife does something good, then tell them it's wonderful; the trash can, if you take out the trash w/o saying anything, as the wife, you say Jazak Allah khair, you cannot imagine what that means for them; if you see the house clean, and you find it clean, say Jazak Allah khair they show that you support each other; don't belittle these words (they keep them to religious things- like Fajr); and if they do something wrong, don't do something completely negative

2. Quality Time: she may not speak language of affirmation, it may not be her primary language; she's looking for quality time; it depends on how much you focus and care for her; if she's stressed and while her husbands on the computer she says i want to talk to you, and he says okay, i'm listening, she doesnt need solutions, just for him to listen to her, she looks at him and hates him she wants him to say tell me more subhanAllah it was that bad; she needs him mentally not physically; why men do not listen and why women cannot read maps, naturally they're pursuing their values; 5 sincere minutes is just better than hours of insincerity

if a man needs quality time, and she keeps looking around in the backyard, then he doesn't feel the same way

3. Receiving gifts:

the value of the appreciation is far greater than the value of the gift; when it's with full sincerity, it means a lot, like a blender or a briefcase

4. Acts of service:

if she sees a cup of coffee coming from your hand, meaning he's giving it to her; and he takes the opportunity to clean the kitchen when she leaves for a little bit; and the woman then cleans up everything, he feels great then

5. Physical contact

like a'isha with her cheek on the cheek of Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam); sometimes the husband doesn't need jazakAllahu khair, he needs a hug and a kiss, or a touch; most men like this language more than women

A Final Advice

How to win the heart of your wife?

1. exchange gifts, in exchange

2. give quailty time, with full attention, even if you've heard it many times before

3. exchange looks of admiration- use eye language, and give her a smile, even the tonation of the voice, use poetry, too, like "a gaaru alayki..." "i feel jealous about you from my own eyes, from myself, from you from the time and place you are occupied, and even if i hide you under my eye lids till the day of judgment, it won't be sufficient for me"

4. make a farewell before you leave and when you come back everyday, "the red roses committed suicide because of you and then splashed their red colors on your cheeks" "even if she spits into the ocean while the ocean is salty, it will become fresh"

5. try to work things together, if you see your wife working at home, give her a hand, and give her that quality time she's looking for, try to see if you can help them, and you can play to build intimacy- validity is disputable- once Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) was fixing his shoes, and she lookeda t him w/admiration and he started sweating, and a'isha was surprised that your sweat is shining on your forehead, you deserve the poetry... what did he say, she said he said such and such and he kissed her for that, and i am so pleased w/you the way you are pleased with me

6. going out together, take the kids or not, exercise with her, and he walked with the whole army, and he let them all go to the front and then she raced with him and she won and she was happy and years later, he did the same thing, and this time after she had gained weight they raced and he won, and he said see, one by one

just do your best

08-31-2007, 11:07 AM

Wiked article, Jazaak Allaah Khayr!

'Abd-al Latif
11-12-2007, 12:32 AM
Originally Posted by 'Ubaydullah
asalamu alykum

whao this thread is 1 year old....can u update the link plz?

jazakAllah khayr


Ibn Abi Ahmed
11-12-2007, 12:50 AM

Here you go:


'Abd-al Latif
11-12-2007, 12:53 AM
Originally Posted by 'Ubaydullah
jazakAllah khayr, appriceated...but why not upload the file as an attachment instead? it would stay here.

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