View Full Version : Ali wannabe and Jammal

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08-09-2006, 02:43 PM

In the Mosque, after a talk has been held, everyone is sitting down to eat, food is being served. Jamal sees Ali and makes a bee line for him and sits across from him.

Jamaal: As Salaamu alaykum Ali, its a very pleasant surprise to see you here.

Ali: W-S

Jamaal: Huh? Double-you ess?

Ali: I said 'Wa Salaam.' And it's good to see you too.

Jamaal: Aww thanks, really though it's amazing that you're here.

Ali: Its nothing, I got a text saying there was food and...the rest is history.

Jamaal: Well the important thing is that you're here; just being in a Mosque is a rewardable act.

Ali: Bonus, I get rewarded from God and I get a Scran, now that's what I'm talking about.

Jamaal: err...exactly; you should stay positive... like the Shaykh!

Ali: Where is it? I'll have a mango or strawberry Shake.

Jamaal: No no, I meant the Shaykh who just gave the talk, as in learned Shaykh not a Milkshake.

Ali: What? Make your self clear next time bro me was well lookin forward to a shake, I can taste it now its your fault. [Jamaal takes out his mild frustration on the food]

Jamaal: You look great! What you been doing?

Ali: Sick bro, I met someone, and we're talking about marriage-

Jamaal: [Cough] [Cough] [Splutter]

Ali: WOAH, JAM! I ain't never seen anyone cough curry out through their nose before!

Jamaal: That is so amazing, Masha Allah I am really glad for you! Really?

Ali: Yeah bro, I've seen people choking on water, or sneezing in their biryani, but for real you did something next level!

Jamaal: NO! The marriage, so you're gonna marry then?

Ali: Easy Bro, I know you Molvi types like your food but you ain't rushing me into getting married just so you can have some scran. I was talking to this guy I know he was telling me about his rishtah!

Jamaal: Oh right, sorry, sorry...so your giving advice to others when you going to take some advise and get married...to a nice girl?

Ali: Nah mate, I got all my all my chilling to do first!

Jamaal: Like what?

Ali: er...I want to see the world.

Jamaal: So marry someone and you can see the world together, a wife and traveling companion.

Ali: Yeah, but I wanna make bare dollars first.

Jamaal: No Problem, a wife won't stop you from making money.

Ali: No but she'll spend it pretty quick.

Jamaal: Ah I see your point. I could set you up with a girl from back home, easy maintenance n all that.

Ali: ...No woman is easy maintenance bro they just eat your money.

Jamaal: Okay, but did you know The Holy Prophet SAW has said that 'marriage is half of Deen'?

Ali: Okay...erm...but, I wanna work on the other half first.

Jamaal: You're not really going for the whole marriage thing are you?�

Ali: To tell you the truth Jam, I'm scared. If I get married, no more getting up at half twelve in the afternoon, and no more crazy nights with the boyz, no more reckless driving in the Pakimobile with the boyz...I'll go under Jam! I don't wanna GO UNDER! Don't let me go under! Please!

Jamaal: Shhh bro, everyone is looking at us... [Pause] Marriage ain't no prison sentence

Ali: Seems to look like one though

Jamaal: Look bro, Islam teaches us that the man and the woman are a perfect pair, some things the man has a degree of advantage and in something's the woman does. But together they're a team, a match made in heaven.

Ali: so what you're saying, is that if I get married, she can cook I'll eat, I'll make a mess n she will clean and wash up after me?... Wow marriage sounds good now.

Jamaal: Uh...we're getting there...

Jamaal:�Could you pass me some coke bro?

Ali: WHAT? In here? Look Jam I got none of that stuff! It's no good for you Jam! Drugs are HARAAM...aren't they?

Jamaal: What are you on about? There's a bottle right next to you.

Ali: Oh righht, coke. Ha-ha, sure no problem, ha-ha here you go.

Jamaal: Jazaakallah Khayr brother...So what d'you think I meant?

Ali: Noting noting, so marriage, yeah, tell me more.

Jamaal: The first objective of the Islamic law of marriage is that it protects the morals of the people. Islam forbids adultery and fornication, so it gives you a legit alternative which is then a rewardable act. The second objective is the relationship should be based on mutual love cooperation of love, mercy and kindness for each other, so they may enjoy the happiness and peace vital for a healthy society. The first woman was made from the rib of the first man to be by his side, and from his left rib to be near and protect his heart, and so that together the man and woman find completeness in each other. Allah SWT says in the Qur'an how everything is made in pairs and so it really is the natural way. [Ali digests more than just the food.]

Ali: Well I would like to settle with some nice girl.

Jamaal: That's good.

Ali: A nice house.

Jamaal: Excellent.

Ali: A few kids.

Jamaal: Beautiful.

Ali: But not yet.

Jamaal: Why.

Ali: I'm the heart break kid bro, me break enough women's hearts if me gets married, now me can't do that can I?

Jamaal: you don't know the half of it, fire underneath you, and hell fire above. Hot enough to melt your skin off.

Ali: Easy bro�

Jamaal: Is it too REAL for you?

Ali: Nah bro, it's just the whole skin melting thing, y'know I'm trying to eat an all.

Jamaal: I'm sorry; does the idea of your skin melting put you off your food? DO want to be drinking BLOOD and PUSS???

Ali: What you chattin' about you muppet?

Jamaal: HELL!!

Ali: Don't swear bro we're in a Mosque, and what's with the blood drinking talk, I ain't no vampire! Vampires are Kaafir...right?

Jamaal: Do you want to burn in HELL? Ali, because messing around with girls and having a bit on the side without getting married is a good way to book a reservation.

Ali: What? Talk sense fool, you trying to send me to Hell?

Jamaal: Not me brother, it's the devil that's trying. Hell ain't too pretty: �Thus. Then will they taste it � a boiling fluid and a filthy fluid of pus and blood and other penalties of a similar kind to match them.�[Quran.38: 57-58]

Ali: Okay now you're scaring me.

Jamaal: WOMAN is the last arrow of Shaytaan, when he runs out of tricks and disguises to throw at you; he uses the trap of women!

Ali: What you mean the trap of women?

Jamaal: The shaytan will tempt you into doing haram things and seen as men are weak and pathetic he will use the lure of women to make you do something that goes against Islam.

Ali: So I guess the Devil will be tempting the women too by using a good looking guy like me?

Jamaal: You wish�.So if you wanna put the smack down on The Devil, you gotta get married, that's why its � of your faith. Marriage stops you from doing so many wrongs if you go into marriage with the right frame of mind.

Ali: Right, so if I wanna give him a knock out blow or a big kick in the nuts then I should get married three more times!

Jamaal: I like your Taqwa, but if you plan on staying in this country, you have to obey the law of the land, and that means only one wife at a time.

Ali: Yeah, you're right four wives would be serious head-ache.

Jamaal: True, Were not allowed to take more than one wife Islamically, if there is a fear we wouldn't be able to treat them all fairly and justly.

Ali: That wouldn't be too easy, all that make up to buy, the latest fashion accessories, the new clothes��.someone grab me I'm gonna faint.

Jamaal: Marriage is a blessing upon us, it is mentioned as a blessed and rewarding thing in Allah SWT Qur'an, and it is the pious Sunnah of Our Beloved Prophet SAW. It leads to children, which are the mercy of Allah SWT, and a nourishing society.

Ali: Whoa that's tight. I'z gonna give that some proper heavy thought.

Jamaal: Really? You'll actually consider getting married.

Ali: Well I'm not saying I want to get married right now, but I don't think I'll be saying 'no' forever.

Jamaal: That's encouraging to hear.

Ali: So tell the molvi Saab the program was really good.

Jamaal: You liked it, aww that's beautiful.

Ali: Yeah, the way it started with rice and then the curry, and then some potato put in here and there, then how he wrapped it all up at the end with a small piece of naan. Genius. Left a warm glow inside of me�I gotta order here more often.

Jamaal: Have some water bro before that warm glow turns into a raging fire�.

Ali: You know what Jam? I fink you'd make a proper good husband�

Jamaal: Thanks Ali.

Ali: �To some molvi type woman! [Ali cracks up laughing]

Jamaal: I don't know why you're laughing bro, that's a really nice compliment!

Ali: What? Don't you want a good looking wife?

Jamaal: Of course I do.

Ali: Okay you're confusing me, if you want a good looking wife, shouldn't you go for someone sexy.

Jamaal: Hey, we're in a Mosque.

Ali: Right�yeah.

Jamaal: You can have a beautiful pious wife, The Beloved Prophet SAW said �A woman is married for four reasons, her wealth, lineage, status and Deen. Choose the one who is religious.� (Sahih al-Bukhari).

Ali: Whoa, that's like the best of both worlds.

Jamaal: You said it; the first marriage took place in paradise and lasted into this world and it works the other way too. Islam tells us that in paradise a wife will still be married with her husband, not just that but just being with your wife is a rewardable act that can lead you to paradise. Just a look of tenderness passed between husband and wife is a rewardable act as well as a divine blessing!

Ali: That's beautiful Jam, truly.

Jamaal: You should marry a molvi Ali.

Ali: You meant 'Molvi type wife' right?

Jamaal: Have lots of beautiful kids.

Ali: Actually I was thinking of having ugly ones��.of course I want beautiful kids.

Jamaal: No, what I meant is that, if you have pious children they are blessings for you; even after you kick the bucket. Their good deeds can redeem you from the hellfire or raise your Station in Paradise. They can ask forgiveness on your behalf, so you would get rewarded for being blessed with molvi type children.

Ali: Yeah that all sounds sick, in a good way, but why do we have to marry our cousins?

Jamaal: Uh�you don't. I know there are some people who say you can only marry your cousins, but that's not true, it is permissible for Muslims to marry their cousins but they can also marry other people too.

Ali: What about these people, who say you, gotta marry someone in your same caste?

Jamaal: Yeah that's true; they're called Hindu's, its haram for us to marry them.

Ali: What??? But I heard Muslims saying they got to marry in the caste?

Jamaal: No for real, only the Hindu's have castes. The Muslims believe all men are equal in the sight of Allah SWT except in piety, and we believe having different family names doesn't make you un-pious.

Ali: Okay one more question�What about goats? Is that halaal?

Jamaal: Goats? Yes, they make great food

Ali: No�er� I mean to marry one? Cos I read about this guy who was made to marry a goat. [Jamaal chokes]

Ali: Hey! You just did the curry out your nose trick again!...

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08-09-2006, 02:45 PM

i've read some of these jazakAllah khair for sharing :)


08-09-2006, 02:49 PM
Phew! Just finished reading that.;)

Has some really funny parts in it and a good message.
Jazakkallah for posting!:D

08-11-2006, 01:58 AM

:D ROLF, love reading these convos. Masha Allah 2 in 1. Jokes and knowledge about deen. ;)


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08-13-2006, 10:34 AM
Are there more of these? Where!?!:p

08-15-2006, 08:57 AM
What is a molvi?

What are 'molvi type' women?

08-15-2006, 10:52 AM
Originally Posted by Fishman
Are there more of these? Where!?!:p
Jamal:[Jamal spots Ali in the street and walks over to him] Salaam bro, how are you?

Ali Wannabe: [Nah man its him again!] Yeah I�m buzzin� Jam. How is you?

Jamal: Alhamdulillah, I�m good. It�s been a month or so since we had a chat. What you been up to Ali?

Ali: I�ve been flexin� , chillin and dat.

Jamal: Did you give any thought to what we spoke about last time Ali

Ali: mmm�..Yeah, yeah I have been thinking about it and I know your right but�.

Jamal: Mashallah. So you ain�t gonna sell drugs anymore?

Ali: Woah woah easy bro...no need to chat like dat, some uncle might hears you and grass up to me old man innit. You gets me?

Jamal: Well I�m happy you�re thinking about stopping that haram business and inshallah make money in a halal way. What about your other habits bro?

Ali: Well me only got mashed a few times this month and I haven�t pulled a bird in bare time (not that I ain�t been tryin�). Da boys think I�ve become a batty boy and that!

Jamal: Bro, its good to see you are trying. I know its not easy but make sure you try to completely stop the alcohol, weed and fornication. Because you know it�s haram and its not what Muslims do.

Ali: It�s so hard Jam, you�s won�t understand. Temptation is everywhere. Now dat the sun is out, da gals is lookin� fine and you cant help but wanna get jiggy with it. The weed and booze I can try to end but da gals...I dunno bro.

Jamal: Ali, you are talking about zina (sex outside marriage). It is the third biggest sin in Islam. Let me ask you, who do you want to do zina with?

Ali: Raas man! I thought you�re the molbi-type. What is you�s asking me? If you want me to get you�s a bird, just let me know. I�ll sort you out. I know bare gals.

Jamal: Astagfirullah! I was asking do you want to do zina with your sister? Your mum? Your daughter? Your auntie? Your niece?

Ali: What the heck is you chatting �bout. You better watch it Jam. I�ll get da boys to mash you up big time. Don�t say things like that about my sis and mum. You ain�t no religious guy!

Jamal: Listen bro, listen very carefully. When you �pull a bird�, she will be someone�s sister, mother, daughter, auntie, niece. OK, how would you like it if someone chatted up and tried to pull your sister, daughter or mother? Just think about that bro. How would you feel?

Ali: I would bloody rip their goolies out and feed em to me pit bull!

Jamal: Exactly! That�s how other people will be feeling as well when you and your mates do the same.

Ali: I is sorry about what I said. Me didn�t think about it like dat before, but Bro its not just us guys that is thinking like this. You don�t know gals these days Jam they is worse than some of us guys.

Jamal: Forget about others bro you have to answer for yourself in front of Allah (swt). So as a friend and as a Muslim, leave zina for good. If you want to be with a girl then get married to a good Muslim girl.

Ali: GET MARRIED?!? ha ha ha you is a funny guy Jam, me got me whole life ahead of me I is too young to get married I wanna do all me chillin first.

Jamal: My advice to you would be to sort your education out, get a proper halal job and then get married. It is said that marriage is half of your deen -that�s how important marriage is.

Ali: But dat would mean marrying me cousin Yasmin and she is mingin! I ain�t marrying no paki from back home..

Jamal: You don�t worry about that bro. When you�re ready I will speak to your dad and we will look for a good Muslim girl for you inshallah. But bro a good Muslim girl will be looking for a good Muslim boy so if you want a good wife you gotta be a good husband.

Ali: You is the Don. Bare Respect to you Jam.

Jamal: Bro, if you really want to make something of your life then the solution is Islam. Be a proper Muslim. Learn about Islam and then follow its teachings. Believe me your life will be so much better. You won�t need to rely on sex, drugs and rock �n roll to get your buzz. Don�t waste your life bro.

Ali: The ting is Jam I don�t know jack about Islam. No one has told me anything. I went mosque as a kid and I was messin� about so I was always in the Kukar position. How can I be a proper Muslim?

Jamal: You see my friend, Islam isn�t just a religion. It�s a complete way of life. It tells you how to live your life. It gives you the solutions to all the problems we face today. You need to start with the basics and take it from there. Slowly you will start to become a good Muslim and keep improving.

Ali: So what are the basics Jam?

Jamal: Well bro to be a Muslim you have to believe in 7 things, these are known as the articles of faith. They are: 1. Belief in One God �Allah, 2. Angels of God, 3. Books of God, 4. Prophets of God, 5.Day of Judgment, 6.Destiny 7. Life after death

Ali: What do ya mean books of God there�s only 1 book the Qur�an, innit? See I do know sometin�.

Jamal: Yes Ali but Muslims also believe in the Psalms, Torah, Injeel (Old Testament of bible) and the Qur�an.

Ali: Wat you on a �bout we believe in da Bible (Old Testament), that belong to da Christians!

Jamal: Bro the original revelations all told the same message to worship and believe in the one God and they are our holy books, but people have unfortunately changed them over time but we still believe in the originals revelations.

Ali: So ain�t they got no copyright ting on dem, this counterfeits is bad business innit? I wonder if I could flog some to da bruvas?

Jamal: Once you believe in these you�re a Muslim. Now there are things you have to do. They�re known as the five pillars:1. declaration of faith, 2. pray 5 times a day, 3. zakat, 4. fast in Ramadan and 5. perform Hajj once in a lifetime.

Ali: So what�s this Jackat I have to wear?

Jamal: No bro its Zakat it involves cleansing your wealth by giving 2.5% of your earnings/savings to the poor.

Ali: 2.5% raaaas! Bro how do I register as being poor cos me could do with all that dollars. I�m gonna move to Arab land hear they is well rich so that me can get loads of dollars and retire. Dats da Masta Plan.

Jamal: Sorry bro I don�t think you would qualify.

Ali: You know what Jam, me didn�t even know most of dis. What it is Jam I can read da Qur�an and that but I ain�t got a clue what it means. So what�s da Qur�an about Jam? Is it about namaz and dat?

Jamal: The Qur�an is the word of God. It was sent to us for guidance for all times. The Qur�an is here to give us guidelines, so when ever we need help, we can turn to the Qur�an for our problems.

Ali: So what d�ya mean guidance. How will it help me?

Jamal: Well Ali, to put it in simple terms. Think of the Qu�ran as the instruction manual for life. If you follow it you will never go wrong.

Ali: So what�s in it den?

Jamal: Ali there is nothing that is not covered in the Qur�an. The Qu�ran teaches us how to live a family life, how to marry, who to get married to, what to eat, how to eat, how to do business, it covers almost all branches of science, about hell, heaven and the last day, about the life of the prophets. The Qu�ran outlines the rights of women, rights of parents, rights of the husband, rights of the wife, rights of neighbours, rights of children.....

Ali: Naah man, is you sure you is talking about the same book...

Jamal: It�s the Qu�ran I�m talking about. Why, you surprised? Also the Qu�ran has strict rules for governors so they can rule justly and rules of war and peace. The Qu�ran answers the questions of life like evolution, purpose of creation, life after death....and much much more.

Ali: Raas man! Me had no idea all dat stuff is in da Qur�an. I could be well clever and know loads of stuff if I read it properly then. Now tell me a bit about da Prophet. What was so great about him? Why should me follow him?

Jamal: Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) is the greatest man in history. He was the Prophet of God. He brought the deen of Islam. He gave the world religious, social, economic, political rights, laws and solutions. He is the perfect role model for us all to follow. He taught us how to live our lives, to get the success in this world and in the hereafter.

Ali: Dis is all cool stuff Jam. One ting I�m not sure about is dat as a Muslim what is da purpose of my life? To do jihad and dat? To kill the Kafirs?

Jamal: Do you know what the purpose of life is Ali ?_

Ali: Purpose of life?....I dunno....people is always sayin� us only live once so chill. I wanna be filthy rich, have bare sick cars, house made from Gold and just flex man.

Jamal: For a Muslim the purpose of life is to worship Allah. As the Qur�an says: �I have only created jinns and humans, that they worship Me.� ( Qur�an 51:56) That doesn�t mean you just do your prayers and bob�s your uncle. Oh no, to live each and every aspect of your life according to the teachings of Islam. So if you have a halal job - that�s worship. Obeying your parents, elders- that�s worship. Gaining an education- that�s worship. Learning and spreading the deen � that�s worship. So basically everything that you do that is halal and you have the intention to please your Creator is WORSHIP. This my friend is the purpose of life for a Muslim.

Ali: Wat so I�m worshiping God no matter what I do as long as it�s Halal and for Allah, is dat what you�re saying?

Jamal: Exactly!

Ali: Woah! So dis worship ting isn�t that hard is it, me thought u gotta take tests and do loads of boring stuff at the mosque.

Jamal: Well bro you can do your ibadat (worship) at home as well or at work or anywhere... but did you know that by praying in jamaat (congregation) at the mosque you get 40 times more reward for it?

Ali: Dats like bonus points, cos I think me is gonna need plenty of them innit.

Jamal: We all do bro.

Ali: Nah not YOU Jam you is the molvi type. YOU is a good lad.. not a bad boy like me?

Jamal: No bro I also have to be worried. I will also be asked about my actions. So we�re in the same boat.

Ali: Na man me ain�t from no banana boat like you�ha ha ha�only jokin Jam. One ting dat me and da boys are scared about is what will happen to us when we die?

Jamal: Every single person in this world is gonna die bro. Once we die, that is not the end because there will be a life after death�.

Ali: What d�ya mean life after death, so is me gonna come back lookin� like a monkey?

Jamal: No bro that�s reincarnation. Muslims don�t believe in that. What I am talking about is that after you die you get brought back to life on the Day of Judgment.

Ali: Like the Arnie movie��..�I�ll be back�.

Jamal: No Ali, once you die you will rest in your grave. We won�t just remain asleep in our graves and then be woken up when the Day of Judgment begins. Oh no...The PUNISHMENT or REWARD, will start on the day we die, in our graves!

Ali: Stop it, you is scaring me Jam�

Jamal: Well in the grave, you�re on your own bro. Your friends, weed, booze, gals, money, cars.. ain�t gonna be any use to you. The only thing that will help you in the grave is your deen- your good actions. This is the reason why it�s time you stop messing around and wasting your life bro - otherwise you will have to pay for it in the grave- big time!

Ali: Tell me more �bout what happens next Jam?

Jamal: Then everyone will be brought back to life on the Day of Judgment where we must all account for our deeds, and depending on our deeds we get heaven or hell. If you�re a good Muslim with good deeds you get Heaven inshallah; and if you have bad deeds you is going DOWN bro, not for life but eternity.

Ali: But bro can I get a day release?

Jamal: No

Ali: What if they tag me? They is doin� it in prisons now letting u out on tag.

Jamal: No. No tags, no nothing just pain, so be afraid of hell bro it�s a nasty place.

Ali: I tink you has opened me eyes Jam. I is gonna pop down to your yard and learn about Islam some time. You can tell me more about Hell and Judgment Day cos they is wicked tings to tell da boys, they is gonna be well scared man.

Jamal: No problem at all bro. You are welcome anytime.

08-15-2006, 10:52 AM
Jamal: Assallamu Allaikum Ali, Ramadan Mubarak to you

Ali: Eh...what Mubarak?

Jamal: Ramadan Bro

Ali: Has it started....I thought there was bare time for it yet?

Jamal: Woah......wake up man...this is the month we have been waiting for!

Ali: Why..are United playing Chelsea? Crap! I forgot to book the tickets man!

Jamal: Ali, Ramadan is the greatest month in the Islamic calendar and I've been waiting for Ramadan to start for ages, its such a beautiful month

Ali: Why you been waitin' Jam? You don't need to lose weight, you're in good shape man. Maybe a little extra weight around the belly but I guess that's all the halva you molvi types eat!

Jamal: Thanks for your compliment...but I'm more worried that you don't even know its Ramadan.

Ali: Chill Jam, don't get your beard in a twist! Its only another month man, whats the friggin' big deal anyway?

Jamal: Just listen to what the Prophet (pbuh) said about Ramadan. He said: 'This is a month in which the first part brings Allah’s mercy, the middle of which brings His forgiveness and the last part of which brings freedom from the fire of hell.' (Ibn-e-Huzimah)

The prophet also said: "God does not refuse the prayers of three people: the fasting person until he opens it, the just ruler and the oppressed.”(Tirmizi)

Ali: Just ruler ? what's maths got to do with it?

Jamal: There's more Ali. The prophet(pbuh)stated: "My people have been blessed with five special favours in Ramadan: 1) the breath of the fasting person is better than the fragrance of musk

Ali: MUSK, MUSK what type of musk is that... must be one of those cheapo ones for 10p a litre, cos my mates gob stinks when he's got a roza!

Jamal: As I was saying Ali....2) the angels pray for them 3) Paradise is prepared for them 4) the mischievous devils are chained 5) the fasting people are forgiven". (Ahmad)

The prophet (pbuh) also said: "All the deeds of the son of Adam are increased in value from ten to seven hundred times except for fasting, since it is for me alone, I shall reward my servant as I please." (Muslim)

Ali:Raas! didn’t know that. How come no molvi guy told me that before? I do normally fast Jam...do you know how hard it is for me to have a spliff until after dark? It's a killer!

Jamal: What? don't smoke that haram stuff during this blessed month? What's wrong with you?

Ali: Easy now Jam. Calm down man, it's only a few spliffs. I know when its Rozay I only smoke a few spliffs and I keep them strictly to night time, told u I was being good. Chill out dude... you sound like a right miserable sod you know that.

Jamal: Listen Ali, do you even know why we fast?

Ali: yeah..erm....the girls do it to lose weight and erm.... to know what the poor blokes feel like innit....and I do it cos if i don't fast me dad will beat the crap out of me!

Jamal: No Ali. That's not why you're suppose to fast. We fast because Allah says in the Quran: Fasting is prescribed to you as it was prescribed to those before you, so you may become Godfearing. [al-Baqarah 2:183] So that's why we fast Ali, so we can fear God, be conscious of God, know God is watching us at all times. So we follow His teachings and improve to become better Muslims.

Ali: : Me don't get it jam. How is fasting gonna make me fear God. It makes me fear waking up in da mornin' when me dad drags me out of bed with his size 9 boots!

Jamal: Bro, let me tell you how you can gain taqwa through fasting.Ali, did you know that there are three grades of fasting: ordinary, special and extra-special?

Ali: Sounds like a McDonald's milkshake!

Jamal: Ordinary fasting means abstaining from food, drink and sexual satisfaction.

Special fasting means keeping one's ears, eyes,tongue, hands and feet-and all other organs-free from sin.

Extra-special fasting means fasting of the heart from unworthy concerns and worldly thoughts, in total disregard of everything but Allah.

Ali: Huh....what you chatting about?

Jamal: Most of us only do 'ordinary fasting' thats why we never change.

Ali: Speak for yourself, me is always fighting the ladies off me!

Jamal: Whatever…..If we did 'special fasting' then we will improve as Muslims, get the best out of Ramadan, give up our bad habits and start to Fear Allah. So we need to read the Quran, lower our gazes, listen to Quran, naats and nasheeds and not the latest tracks. Also not to swear or argue, don't go to dodgy places...and so on. Then taqwa will enter your heart and you will get something out of fasting.

Ali: Woah..so you're saying apart from starving myself, staying away from birds..i should also not even look at birds, not even blast the music, don't cuss anyone and dat whilst i'm fasting. Jam i aint no molvi!You havin' a laugh?

Jamal: Give it a go, it's not as hard as you think...trust me, its much easier to be good in Ramadan cos the devils are banged up and there’s an increase in the mercy of Allah- just try it. If you really wanna get something out of Ramadan then you have to bro, otherwise what's the point. The prophet (pbuh) said:

'Fasting is a shield; so when one of you is fasting he should not use foul or foolish talk. If someone attacks him or insults him, let him say:"I am fasting, I am fasting!'

The prophet (pbuh) also said:

'Five things break a man's fast: lying,backbiting, scandal mongering, perjury and a lustful gaze.'

Ali: Don’t say dat …….cos that means all my rozays are broken!

Jamal: Ali, the prophet(pbuh) also said: 'Allah has no need for the hunger and the thirst of the person who does not restrain from telling lies and acting on them even while observing the fast.”

Ali: Raas man! Me didnt know dat Jam. I think I better be a good boy in Ramadan then innit!

Jamal: So please Ali, make most of this month. I've told you what the benefits are, so now do your best and come to the mosque.

Ali: I do come to the mosque Jam. Me is always there at iftari time when the geezers bring da food...excellent scran I must say! I stuff myself silly Jam.

Jamal: Bro, the mosque isn't just for eating. Come and read your prayers as well. Try and make an effort for Tarawih.

Ali: Yeah, i been bro but standin' for that long in tarawih is missions Jam...and then you always get the dude who's had bare kebabs and burps as if he's got a microphone stuck down his throat! Boy does it stink!

Jamal: Come on bro, it's not that bad.

Ali: Not that bad!...I've smelt better in the toilet! Then you get the geeza who's white socks have turned yellow and man do they stink...and I have to stick my head right next to his feet...so Jam, me knows we get tested by God but...come on...that stink is too much to take man!

Jamal: I'm sorry you've had a bad experience but let me tell you what reading tarawih prayer is all about bro.

Ali: Nah, me knows what Tarawih is all about. Me has clocked that one. As soon as da molvi is in sajda me and da boyz are out of there and go for a chill.....me mum and dad think we're at mosque. How cool is dat!

Jamal: Don't be a fool Jam! You're losing out...this is the month to sort yourself out, gain extra blessings and become a better Muslim

Ali: But whats tarawih got to do with it Jam? I understand the fasting and reading the Quran bit and dat...

Jamal: Ali, do you wanna know why tarawih is so important? Well, listen to the words of the prophet (pbuh): 'The month in which Allah has prescribed for you fasting and I have initiated for you the night prayer(tarawih). Whoever fasts in it and prays with sincerity and faith, sins leave him clean as the day his mother gave birth to him'. (Ibn Maja)

Ali: A clean slate …..Wow! I'll try to read ma tarwihs and dat. But da best part of Ramadan is da end man, when its Eid and me gets to put on me new gear..and go cruising on Wimmy Road and chill innit?

Jamal: Ali, that’s not what Eid is all about. Eid is a family and social event. After the Eid prayers people visit each other, exchange gifts, spend time socialising with extended family and community, visiting the sick and offering prayers for the deceased. For those who fasted during the month of Ramadhan, there is a sense of triumph and accomplishment.

Ali: Man..that sounds BORING! I'll tell you how it's done...you should hook up wid me on Eid. We can pick up a score and burn all day and night. We'll cruise down to Wimmy Road, we'll have some drinks and have one big party...what you say Jam?

Jamal: Astagfirullah! Bro you don't fast for a month, go mosque everyday, read the Quran and try to become pious so we can smoke weed, get drunk and commit zina on Eid day! Wake up Ali!

Ali: It's only a bit of fun Jam, it's Eid innit...you're suppose to chill man! Ain't Eid suppose to be a celebration?

Jamal: Yes Eid is a celebration and you can have as much fun as you like. The only thing is, whatever you do has to be halal. So NO haram activities like drinking, smoking weed, committing zina etc. You can have fun by going to Blackpool, paint balling, ice skating, Go-Karting, going to a restaurant, meet your friends and so on. You can even hire a car out but behave properly and don’t miss your namaz!

Ali: Right Jam, that's you off my Eid list....you is toooo boring man!

Jamal: Oh no..i have fun… loads of fun on Eid Jam, I love it...but what I do is the halal way of having fun and what you do is totally haram! That's the difference bro.

Ali: Woah! Is it that bad Jam? But don't tell me old man I 'm going to Wimmy road...ok!

Jamal: Look Ali. I've told you what a blessed month this is. You can wipe your slate clean, so please bro, don't throw it all away by having a haram Eid. Forget what you have done in the past....use this month and try to be a good Muslim. I will help you all the way bro.

Ali: OK Jam, i will try...in a bit.

08-15-2006, 10:52 AM
Jamal spots Ali in the street...

Jamal: Assallamu Allaikum Ali, How are you bro? Last time I saw you it was before Eid. Eid Mubarak Ali

Ali: Eid Mubarak to you as well Jam. Eid was phat. Me got me new clothes, had a sick ride....it was buzzin’. But I remembered what you said and spent time at home as well. All 10 minutes of it....hahaha

Jamal: My Eid wasn’t the same because of the Earthquake in Kashmir. That was terrible and sad news...

Ali: Yeah, bad buzz.

Jamal: I hope you sent some money for the Earthquake Appeal... to help out.

Ali: Yeah...I gave a tenner. Big sacrifice Jam...that’s one less tenner bag to smoke.

Jamal: Bro, that’s good that you gave money but don’t think that’s job over. We need to do more...

Ali: Why? I gave ma dollar. I done my bit. Anyway what’s in it for me?

Jamal: Come on Ali, they are your fellow Muslims. Its our duty to help them in any way we can. The Prophet (pbuh) said: ‘The Ummah is like a body. When one part of the body hurts, the rest of the body feels the pain.’

Ali: What’s Ummah? Who’s she? And what’s this about her body you sly dog. I didn’t think you were like that?

Jamal: Ummah means “community” or nation. It is the Muslims and therefore the whole Islamic world. All Muslims are our brothers and sisters...and together we are the Ummah of the Prophet (pbuh).

Ali: Woah.... how is a white guy or a black guy my brother... we’re Pakis innit!

Jamal: Do I smell racism there ali...tut tut!!!! The Prophet (pbuh) said in his last sermon: ‘a white has no superiority over a black, nor a black has any superiority over a white- except by piety and good action. Learn that every Muslim is a brother to every Muslim and that the Muslims make up one brotherhood.’

Ali: What ya mean he’s better if he’s pious (religious). I thought the more money you had, the better you are; like Scarface says: ‘first you get the money, then you get the power and then you get the respect.’ Bare respect for Scarface, he’s the Don.

Jamal: You don’t get respect just by having plenty of money. It depends on how you got it, how you earned it and how you live your life.

Ali: Jam, you chatting bare crap now....listen, if me had bare dollars, me would chill with da boyz, plenty of Bentleys, wearing my Bling Bling...and they would give me ‘nuff respec’.

Jamal: Do you know who has ‘nuff respec’ in the sight of God and his prophet? Do you wanna know who is biggest, baddest, most phat, sick and buzzin’ person in the sight of God and his prophet? If you want respect in this world and in the hereafter then listen carefully to the words of the Prophet (pbuh): ‘ The best among you is the one who is best in character, taqwa and piety’. No mention of dosh, bling bling, phat cribs i’m afraid.

Ali: So why is da dosh that me and da boyz get from dealing and scams different to everyone elses? It’s got da queens head on it and it ain’t no fakeeees..me makes sure of that, innit.

Jamal: errmm...let me think now...its because it’s haram blondie... how many times do i have to say this to you. If you smoked less of that junk..then maybe some of this will be sinking in by now. The prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said: “The son of Adam will By Irfan Khan and Sajid Iqbal not pass away from Allah until he is asked about five things: how he lived his life, and how he utilized his youth, with what means did he earn his wealth, how did he spend his wealth, and what did he do with his knowledge.” (Tirmidhi)

Ali: Right, Right……….whats utilized? And what do you mean by means? I thought my English was bad, that don’t make sense.....

Jamal: Just think of it like this Ali. If your mum died you wouldn’t even be able to pay for her funeral because of your haram money....you wouldn’t even be able to attend the funeral cos you would be so stoned...where’s the respect now?

Ali: What? You serious?

Jamal: You bet I am....All the money, pimped out rides, bling bling will stay here..and you’re gonna go 6 feet under in a box and you ain’t gonna take none of that with you are you?

Ali: Maybe me can make me a pyramid like that Tootookaman geeza and pickle me bits for laters.

Jamal: Bro...try to be serious for once. Don’t be fooled by this world...it’s very fake , short and materialistic. Don’t chase the world Ali, chase the deen.

Ali: But..the world is gooood. Money, weed, gals, da bling, da boyz, da cars....like the McD ad...I’m lovin’ it!

Jamal: I think i’m talking to a brick wall! Look the only thing that will help you in the hereafter (after death) is your deeds and your actions bro. Not your weed, money, power or cars. Nothing. TuPac and Biggy had all that...where are they now? In a box!

Ali: What da ya mean deeds...is that like house deeds?

Jamal: It’s your good actions. Being a practising Muslim. Following the laws of Islam. Doing your prayers. Doing halal and staying away from Haram.

Ali: Jam you need to chill a bit...me is only a young lad yet...i’ll do some ‘good’ deeds before I die man...me and the boys will go to Hajj and dat..

Jamal: You need to start thinking about death bro. Do you know when or where you will die Jam? We’re all going...maybe today, maybe tomorrow...don’t waste your youth bro...cos once you’re gone.. its gonna be nasty if you have been a bad boy!

Ali: Jam, how does you know what happens after death? Is you like Dracula or some Mystic Smeg? Can u talk to the other side Wooooooo…

Jamal: You see bro the Quran is the word of God, and the Prophet (pbuh) is the true and final messenger of God. The Quran and the Prophet (pbuh) have clearly and openly stated what will happen when you die, what happens in the grave and so on.

Ali: Raas! So wagwaan afta you dies? Can I meet Biggy and Tu Pac...and ..and...

Jamal: I’ll tell you who you can meet. Well when you die two angels come to your grave, sit you up and ask you 3 questions: Who is your Lord? What is your Deen(religion/faith)? What did you used to say about the Prophet Muhammad(pbuh)?

Ali: Yo, dats safe..me don’t even have to phone a friend....I already know da answers. Raas, dis is well easy..

Jamal: Naah Ali...You will only know the answers if you have lived your life according to Islam

Ali: So me gotta grow a beard and look like Bin Ladin to go to heaven?

Jamal: NO....you have to live your entire life according to the Quran and Sunnah. If you had strong faith in Islam, did what was compulsory(fardh), lived your life as a practising Muslim and stayed away from sins then you have a chance....

Ali: So what if me gets the question right...what’s the star prize... me heard you get loads of fit gals in Paradise man!...and what happens if I’m wrong?

Jamal: A good Muslim will easily answer the questions...then his grave will be spread wide open and basically he will chill and have a nice long sleep. But if you get the questions wrong..the punishment of the grave will start. The grave will squeeze you so much that your ribs will inter-lock. Just think of the worst possible punishment bro....in the grave it will be worse!

Ali: What! No Weed? Easy Jam...you’re just tellin’ me about a Scary Movie you seen innit...that ain’t gonna happen...is it?

Jamal: Bro the only thing you gonna be burnin’ in the grave is YOU, and that’s nowt bro....this will continue to happen till the Day of Judgement.

Ali: But I’m dead innit...what more can you do to me? Come on!

Jamal: You see bro, in the grave you are brought back to life... and you feel all the pain. Once the punishment of the grave is over, you will be raised from your graves on the Day of Judgement. All your sins will be presented in front of Almighty Allah. Now if your bad deeds are more than your good deeds, then you will be sent to hell...but if your good deeds out weigh your bad ones..then you have succeeded..Paradise is yours forever.

Ali: So Biggy was right about life after death? Told you it was a good idea to pickle your bits. I wonder if heaven got a ghetto like Tu Pac says, maybe I can take mine?

Jamal: No bro. No pickling and no taking your ghetto, only your deeds. You need to have a strong belief in the hereafter...may be it will change the way you live your life forever. You shouldn’t live just for this world...but also work for the hereafter as well. The Prophet (pbuh) said: “Be in this world as if you were a stranger or a traveller. If you survive until the evening, do not expect to be alive in the morning, and if you survive until the morning, do not expect to be alive in the evening. Take from your health for your sickness, and take from your life for your death.” (Bukhari)

Ali: Raas! You sounding like Mr. Miyagi. It’s too hard Jam.... death and all dat scares the crap out of me man....but I wanna chill too!

Jamal: You can chill bro....as long as you stay away from haram. Enjoy life but do your prayers, do halal, get a halal job, live your life according to Islam bro. It’s not that hard at all....you can do it I have faith in you.

Ali: ...Jus make dua for me innit bro, I need your help.

Jamal: Bro I’m there for you, but you have to help yourself as well.

Ali: I think that’s the problem bro I’ve been helping ma self to too much.

Jamal: Good to hear you thinking that way bro but keep on trying.

Ali: Yeah..safe.

08-15-2006, 10:54 AM
From The Revival

08-20-2006, 04:52 PM
Originally Posted by [I:GM] Forum
Ali: Nah mate, I got all my all my chilling to do first!!...
^^ Thats my attitude 2 marriage ;D

looooooooooool that was a gud read!! I luv the Ali n Jamal stories they topZ!

TnX 4 sharin!

I reckon the marriage 1 shud be moved to the marriage section :okay:

08-20-2006, 05:02 PM
lol those are funny... who or what is "deen" though?

08-20-2006, 05:05 PM
Originally Posted by Jayda
lol those are funny... who or what is "deen" though?
Deen is Arabic for 'way of life'.

08-20-2006, 05:15 PM

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