Asking about a person’s past.

[- Qatada -]

:salamext:

Asking about a person’s past

Question:

As-salam wai lai kum,
When helping brothers/sisters to find suitable Muslim partners, what questions can be asked, and what is forbidden to ask ?
Can one ask about their past when they were non-Muslim or not practicing Muslims ?
Can one ask ones wife/sister to describe in detail the appearance of an intended wife or describe in detail to them regarding a brother ?
Was Salam



Answer:

Praise be to Allaah.

If you want to look for a wife for someone, or a husband for a woman, then you can ask him about his wishes, such as the desired age, level of education, employment situation, country and origin and position of the family, and whether he has any preferences about her general appearance, such as skin colour, height, etc. The most important characteristic to ask about is a person’s level of commitment to Islam. This kind of useful question is fine.


But asking for details of a person’s past and wanting to know what sins they might have committed when they were ignorant about Islam – this is not right at all. Allaah covers people’s sins and loves to see them covered (i.e., not dragged out into the open). So long as a person has repented, his sins have been wiped out. Islam deletes whatever came before, so why should we ask questions that will only embarrass people? Allaah accepts people’s repentance without their having to confess or expose their sins to any other person. A number of the Sahaabah had committed adultery and murder repeatedly, or had buried infant girls alive, or stolen things, but when they entered Islam they were the best of people. No one needs to be reminded of a shameful past; it is over and done with, and Allaah is the All-Forgiving, Most Merciful. What matters when considering a person for marriage is how that person is now: is he righteous or not? Has he cut all ties with his past and his wrong deeds, or not? If he is clearly living a good and righteous life now, then it is wrong to dig up the past. If there is any fear of anything that could have future implications, such as certain diseases and so on, then there are medical tests which can give the answer and put your mind at rest.



As far as giving a detailed description of a prospective wife to someone is concerned, this can be done in writing: one of her mahram relatives (i.e. a blood relative to whom marriage is permanently forbidden) or a woman who knows her can write down a description, then a trustworthy person can deliver it to one who is seriously considering a marriage proposal. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No woman should describe another woman to her husband as if he can see her.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 4839)


The wisdom behind this prohibition is the fact that a husband might like the sound of what he hears, so he may divorce the one who described the other to him, or there may be temptation to do wrong. (Commentary on the above hadeeth in Fath al-Baari).

We ask Allaah to help us all to do that which He loves and will earn His pleasure. May Allaah bless our Prophet Muhammad.



Islam Q&A

Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid

[Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн]

MashAllah, a lot important points made.
Jazak Allah Khair.

[zash2]

jazakahallah for this :)

[syilla]

Jazakallah khayr...thank you so much :)

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[Inshallah]

Jazakallah for the article, excellent article.

[Curaezipirid]

Alaikumassalam,

this is a much better beginning of a thread than the other that has been going about questioning a person in respect of marriage;

but perhaps it should be placed as the answer at the end of that thread

there really is no more clarity that in such words so long as we are able to sustain the credence of within a modern context

Wasalam

[Umm Safiya]

:sl:

Barak Allâhu fîk..

[al Amaanah]

Assalaamu 'alaykum,

Jazaak Allahu gairan brother, very clear.

Wassalaamu 'alaykum

[rania2820]

mashallah.this is so true! as muslims we are supposed to conceal sins.not bring them out into the open.

[LUVAR]

jazakullah khairan akhi

[Hijrah]

Jazakallah, very good information

[Daffodil]

jizakallah khair for the fatwa

i think as women its natural to want to know what the guy shes about to marry has done in the past. alhumdulillah my husband has never bought up my past and has never asked me to discuss any sins i commited before i married him however i was very stupid about it wen it came to him i think that was due to him being a non muslim before and i was extremely jealous at the time but since then ive managed to fight the shaitan and realise that its not fair and hes ashamed of those things so therefore why shud i be the one to upset him by dragging it back out n reminding him by wanting to discuss it.

we should remind ourselves that man and wife are like garments for one another, they are concealing and protecting and a cover for eachother, so lets do just that.

[Umar001]

Thats kinda wierd, so I wouldnt even be allowed to ask if she was a virgin.

wow

[Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн]

Well yea. If the person has repented for their actions and Allah has covered it, why bother bringing it out. unless the person themselves wanted u to know.

[Umar001]

it's just a preference I might have.

[Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн]

Lol, i would want to know too. but if the person changed, then i dont need to know. But then again, how would I know? :p

[Umar001]

Lol I mean its just a personal thing for somepeople

I guess though sis if i put it this way it will make you think different:

Would you prefer someone who is not a virgin but has changed and is a good muslim?

Or

Someone who is a virgin but is a bad muslim and doesnt care about islam much?

[Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн]

first one! for sure! lol
well actually it depends. You dont know when someone can change...but i picked first cuz he is willing to be good:)

[Umar001]

first one! for sure! lol
well actually it depends. You dont know when someone can change...but i picked first cuz he is willing to be good:)

Yea I think the same, though I would inside be a little upset.

[Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн]

Thats true...but it wont last too long IF he/she is sincere.

[Kittygyal]

Assalmualikum Warhmathullahi Warbarakathuhu
shukran Akhi, as usual excellent posts :)
Ma'assalama

[Natural]

mashallah.this is so true! as muslims we are supposed to conceal sins.not bring them out into the open.

Exactly, as noted in Al Baqarah 263.:statisfie

[princess]

oh i didnt know dat before
thanks 4 da info
peace be upon u brother!

[Maidah]

JazakAllah for the post, i was always told that you should ask about their past but i could never care less. Now i know for a fact why not to.

And beside your past is a part of you that you cannot deny, but you do not need to carry it into your future i guess.:)

[SirZubair]

Before i got married, i used to think "im never going to tell my future wife about my past..."

... After meeting my dream-girl, she asked me about my past, and i didn't hold back. I told her everything about my past, things that even those who have been very close to me over the past 22 years don't know,..

.. and i asked her about her past, and she told me about her past.

I love her more than i used to love her at the beginning, because of how open and honest she has been with me, and vise versa.

I agree that one should conceal his pasts, it is every man and womans rights to not reveal their past to their partner. But personally, it wouldn't have worked out for me if i had kept it inside, my secrets would have eaten me alive.

[enaya]

i had a very terrible past do i talk about this to my husband/husband to be?

[Khadijah79]

i had a very terrible past do i talk about this to my husband/husband to be?

:sl: Sister I think you should tell your husband to be about your past....

I told my husband everything about me and most of it was bad.......

And he also opened up to me as well......

He is my best friend I can tell him anything

And I love my husband even more knowing that he is there for me as I'm there for him.......

Secrets has away of eating you up inside and if you don't tell your husband to be about it you'll have no-one to open up too {human wise}

Allah knows everything about everyone he's our rock he knows us better then we know ourselves.....
Marshallah

:w:

[DeSi_MuSlImAh]

:sl:

From my point of view.. i think dat i wud tell my husband everything coz i am going 2 spent my lyf wiv diz person... Despite the fact that.. we shudnt keep secretz...B in a relationship wiv diz person we shud b honest n also b open 2 our partnerz... It allowz em 2 gain dat trust wiv u n knw dat they knw dat u a truly honest person...

If they love you they shud except u 4 u r... We all hav our mistake.. But we learn frm our mistake....

Dont we?

XxXxX:w:XxXxX

[iwuvaziaf]

wot an interesting thread... never been across it before.. as Fi-sabillilah does it best..

in the verses from the Qur'an it clearly states that we should conceal our sins and repent ... afterall if Allah forgives us.. wot is a human! Isnt that us moulding some of the teachings of Qur'an .. please correct me if anyone thinks am wrong..

MashaAllah, it turned out well for those who asked their spouse and confided in them but it could've easily swung the other way.. i know a sister who told her husband and well.. it wasnt even bad.. she just liked someone.. so marriage wasnt in their fate... her husband then accused her of fornicating blah blah blah...

lets just follow the teaching of the Qur'an and please correct me if i am wrong and forgive me if my words r cruel..

SubhanAllah, Alhumdullilah, Allah-o-Akbar!

Salamaleykum

[HBot 5000]

Thx Fi

[iwuvaziaf]

anytime... but y u thankin me...? :?

[Bean]

:sl:

Jazak Allahu Khaiyran for the information. The past is so in the past.

In my days before Islam, the past was often a means to judge. It's where the person listening to the information appears to be sympathetic, and may well be - until the couple experiences disharmony in their relationship - then the 'information' becomes a weapon.

If, hypothetically, I were to marry and only looked for brothers who were virgins, what would that say about me?

Okay, let's see...first of all it would say that I have a high regard for those who did not have relations with women. It would say that he is clean, pure and all mine (I'll stop here, because that is not what I believe).

I realize that everyone is entitled to their preferences - personally i could never judge as only Allah can judge - but if I were to be stigmatized in my sexual view of the world, I am just as likely to have tendencies to be racist and equally as likely to judge according to economic status and classify accordingly. It is likely that I will insist that my husband keeps his waist slender and not embarrass me. People will start to talk if I don't live in a 1.5 million dollar house. His skin needs to be a certain complexion, you know how it is, living up to sociocultural norms..acceptance into these arbitrary structures guarantees happiness, aren't I entitled to happiness?

I'm not saying that people who insist of virginity are racist, as you can now direct your kind attention to my point. I am simply walking the thin line of judgement and the dangers that exist. Freeing oneself of the barriers creates unity and oneness, something that Islam encourages. It's like the 'weapon' that I had mentioned earlier - and the many forms that it can insidiously take.

perhaps if someone is looking towards the future, just as long as they have reconciled the past and are able to move forward, they should be able to without the judgement of someone who wasn't even a part of it.



:w: