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anonymous
12-11-2006, 05:14 PM
:sl:

Previous topic was here:

I guess I can be indecisive in general. Someone asked me to buy a laptop but it took me ages to decide which one.

I feel really bad because I dragged it on for quite a while and her family made some purchases for the marriage, and then my parents wouldn't take it forward because I was still 50/50. During the months the proposal was going on, I'd wake up really stressed because of this 50/50 feeling. I was frustrated that I couldn't be 100% certain of her, certain either way, 100% yes or 100% no.

I do feel I'm a fool for not marrying her, because she is kind of rare... I'm getting old too...

Why uncertain in saying yes?
*Buildwise she's right-down the middle subhanallah. I would have preferred
if she was significantly over the "margin" than on it, so less of a risk. In this case, it's like I'll only know after marriage. If she's below the margin I may not be able to cope. Marriage has to protect me from fitna. I guess an analogy would be you want someone taller than 5'6" and then you come across someone exactly 5'6".
*I felt 100% certain with a sister, she was buildwise well over the margin and from a different race.
*Maybe I lack trust in Allah that this will work out with her?
*Although mahr will be low and walima is average (3 course meal, 100s
people), I would have preferred a low budget walima, one course and saved
the money for Hajj/spending on the wife (clothes, weekends away).

Why I have difficulty in saying no:
*Religion, character is good
*She is attractive, not unattractive. And she doesn’t look like she’s too
much from the same race. I wouldn't mind if I was forced to marry her.
*Good age range.
* I do like her and she likes me.
*She’s fairly easy to marry, low mahr and average walima.
*it's difficult to find a proposal, especially for practising people. 2
years is not bad, there are some still looking for 3 years, 4 years+. I'm tired of websites and agencies...
*Mum will like someone she can speak to.
*Maybe I lack trust in Allah that I will find someone else?
*I want to marry ASAP, hormones raging, loneliness...


Is it ok to marry someone because you can't be bothered looking anymore?

Is it ok to keep the intention to marry again hidden from her? I'm mean you do hope that the first marriage sorts it out and makes you content with one wife.
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anonymous
12-11-2006, 06:05 PM
MY advice:

I guess ur a guy so should be w8ing 4 the girls reply, not ur reply:?
Anywayz, Get married if u need to! ;) -Best in islam as hormones might leaad u in da wrong path so 2 save sins go ahead

:w:
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Tania
12-11-2006, 06:07 PM
Reading your post one word came up to my mind: buyer. You ar evaluating your future wife like a thing from some market. I would like only to say, think at her like a living person, not an object. She has heart, if you are not sure you can make her happy in marriage, why should you marry with her :? Its good she has no money requirments but still if you are not the proper husband for her.....Have you asked her if she wants to marry with you:? Its the danger to fall in some family thing..so better ask her what she is thinking about this marriage:) I hope thats help.
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anonymous
12-11-2006, 06:18 PM
I can't help much if I am a buyer, it's the consumer society and all the choice that's thrown in our faces!

She does like me, basically everything was going to go ahead until my parents said are you 100% and I said "no 50/50 and but after marriage everything would be ok" - basically I was taking a "leap of faith". Then things were broken off and she was very upset, in tears and cried all day.

Are there any married people here?
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Hijaabi22
12-11-2006, 06:59 PM
Originally Posted by anonymous
:sl:

Is it ok to marry someone because you can't be bothered looking anymore?

Is it ok to keep the intention to marry again hidden from her? I'm mean you do hope that the first marriage sorts it out and makes you content with one wife.
how wud u fel if da situation was da oda way round and she chose 2 marry u cos she ''couldnt be bothered'' to look anymore?? I think U shud think seriously b4 goin ahead with anythin

....

HANG ON? U ALREADY BRROKE IT OFF WID HER>?
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AnonymousPoster
12-11-2006, 09:09 PM
Originally Posted by -----------
....

HANG ON? U ALREADY BRROKE IT OFF WID HER>?
Well I didn't exactly, I told my parents to arrange the official engagement, but they wouldn't accept my 50/50 feelings. Then, because I've dragged things on for so long, I broke things off.

I feel like crap, because maybe I've missed out on someone good, also feel crap because things went quite far before being cancelled.
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syilla
12-12-2006, 01:13 AM
:sl:

if i be the future wife of yours...and i know you're unsure. i'm sure will be offended.

try not think too much....and concentrate on things that is more important than that. for example study as much as possible about how to have a successful marriage and successful kids....and etc.

:w:
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Muslim Woman
12-12-2006, 01:28 AM
I seek refuge in Allah (The One God) from the Satan (devil) the cursed, the rejected

Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh (May the peace, mercy and blessings of Allah be upon you)

Listen to the holy Quran---the Final Testament
Recitation by Shiekh Saad Al-Ghamdhi of Saudi Arabia
http://www.islamworld.net/fathiha.au

whole Quran recitation: http://quran.jalisi.com
&&&

Originally Posted by anonymous
:sl:

Previous topic was here:

wife.

pl. offer Ishthekhara salat/namaz to take any imp decision.


If u don't know how to offer it , either do a google search or let me know here.
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Snowflake
12-12-2006, 02:08 PM
I don't really understand what you're saying bro. I mean if you think you can find someone who is outwardly everything you want her to be.. that still doesn't mean much. She may not react the way you like in different situations (social & personal). She may be the type who gets angry in a disagreement. I mean you can't judge a person by their looks. She could have more faults than someone less perfect looking.

Wouldn't it be so simple if you find a girl who you are physically attracted to, she is good in her deen and then do istikhara before making things final?

The more questions you ask, the more you'll confuse yourself. And God forbid, even if you make a bad judgement it won't be the end of the world. Life goes on no matter what. But your indecisiveness isn't even letting yours start. Say Bismillah and do what you gotto do.
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AnonymousPoster
12-12-2006, 03:06 PM
:sl:

(I am actually listening to a lot of Shiekh Saad Al-Ghamdhi)

I agree with what you are saying Muslimah_Sis... Could you explain the last bit more please:

The more questions you ask, the more you'll confuse yourself. And God forbid, even if you make a bad judgement it won't be the end of the world. Life goes on no matter what. But your indecisiveness isn't even letting yours start.
Reply

IbnAbdulHakim
12-12-2006, 03:19 PM
:salamext:

istikhaara appears to be the answer. Do it for 7 nights inshaAllah, every woman will have a flaw but its the good we look towards. If you still feel unhappy about it then just forget it. If you feel happy about it after istikhaara then go for it
Reply

Snowflake
12-12-2006, 04:23 PM
=Anonymous Tester;594526]:sl:


The more questions you ask, the more you'll confuse yourself. And God forbid, even if you make a bad judgement it won't be the end of the world. Life goes on no matter what. But your indecisiveness isn't even letting yours start.
I agree with what you are saying Muslimah_Sis... Could you explain the last bit more please:
I mean that if you keep questioning what is right for you, you'll probably find the answers. But then you'll begin questioning the answers themselves. Therefore ultimately, your questions may never be answered. And that only means on going indecisiveness. For how long bro?

You was in the 50/50 state of mind for a long time but still you are regretting the outcome which is not marrying that sister. To me that proves that if we dither about too much we can still make wrong choices. We all have doubts. But life's a gamble and we have to take the risks and put our trust in Allah.

Take the bull by the horns and when you see a sister you like and who is good in her deen, then just go for it. As long as your intentions are good what have you got to fear? Be a doer and not a thinker. If Allah wills you can have a happy blissful life with a less than perfect looking wife and if it isn't meant to be you may not have a happy life even with the prettiest, seemingly perfect girl on earth. All I know is we gotto live life and take the risks.

I hope I'm wrong but could it be you who is afraid that you won't be able to fulfil your responsibilities as a husband? And that is why you are looking for someone who you think will be able to handle your weaknesses? Just a thought. Please don't mind.
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Tania
12-12-2006, 04:32 PM
Originally Posted by Muslimah_Sis
I mean that if you keep questioning what is right for you, you'll probably find the answers. But then you'll begin questioning the answers themselves.
Thats remind me about a joke :-[
The teacher is giving the tests papers to his students and at one point he see one from his students throwing a coin in the air. Right, said the teacher in his mind, at least this will finish the first. The exam come to an end, the students are leaving from the class and for his surprise the young man is still throwing the coin.
You have not finished yet the questions - is asking the teacher:?
I finished them, but right now i am checking the answers:giggling:
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AnonymousPoster
12-12-2006, 05:25 PM
Tania, funny post LOL

Muslima_sis:
I hope I'm wrong but could it be you who is afraid that you won't be able to fulfil your responsibilities as a husband? And that is why you are looking for someone who you think will be able to handle your weaknesses? Just a thought. Please don't mind.
I'm actually quite confident that I can provide, in terms of her own place to live and maintenance, wanting her to study, be able to work if she wants and so on. My worry is that... after marriage there is no relief from the fitna, feeling like taking another wife or divorcing (but that would ruin her life). I've never been with a woman so don't know what it's like. I'm assuming majority of the time married brothers, after marriage are content and relieved? No one gets 100% of what they are looking for right?

Thing is I'm worried that because of my hormones I'll need more than one wife, but then which sister will marry me, if I tell her that in future I may take another wife? I'm not saying that she is deficient, just that I may need more. For example, I've got red. But I want blue too. Doesn't mean red is better than blue.

Are there any married brothers here?
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Snowflake
12-12-2006, 07:35 PM
Originally Posted by Anonymous Tester
Tania, funny post LOL

Muslima_sis:


I'm actually quite confident that I can provide, in terms of her own place to live and maintenance, wanting her to study, be able to work if she wants and so on. My worry is that... after marriage there is no relief from the fitna, feeling like taking another wife or divorcing (but that would ruin her life). I've never been with a woman so don't know what it's like. I'm assuming majority of the time married brothers, after marriage are content and relieved? No one gets 100% of what they are looking for right?

Thing is I'm worried that because of my hormones I'll need more than one wife, but then which sister will marry me, if I tell her that in future I may take another wife? I'm not saying that she is deficient, just that I may need more. For example, I've got red. But I want blue too. Doesn't mean red is better than blue.

Are there any married brothers here?
OK, you're assuming that that will be the case. And this whole dithering is based on that one assumption alone. How do you even know you will be capable of taking another wife? Again you're just assuming. I'm sure once you get married, you're hormones will come home too.

Maybe you ought to talk to some married bros.. who've at least been married for 5 years.
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AnonymousPoster
12-13-2006, 11:34 AM
I've heard, month after the breakoff, that she feels it's not right anymore and that her family are looking at other proposals.:cry: imsad

The details of the breakoff I gave her was very generic, so her family don't know the details. I imagine her family told her "it's Allah's will etc." and to console her.

Thing is I don't feel there's anything wrong with her, it's just me that's messed up.
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Snowflake
12-13-2006, 11:41 AM
come on all you married brothers out there... help this bro out plz. Jeez it's like begging!
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AnonymousPoster
12-13-2006, 12:39 PM
:sl:

I spoke to the imam and ... well he said that I can see her head and neck if she allows me to :giggling: I told him I was shy to look at her the times I met her.

He said keep doing istikhara at night, after esha before sleeping, :i: Allah will show me something.

Also he said you need to be 100%, or at least 70%, but not 50/50.
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Snowflake
12-13-2006, 01:06 PM
Now I'm confused. You asked the imaam whether u can see the girl's head or not? What about your feeling of two wives? That's what you were suppose u ask not? I thought that's what was bothering u most. :rollseyes
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AnonymousPoster
12-13-2006, 01:13 PM
Oh yeah...:hiding:
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AnonymousPoster
12-13-2006, 01:47 PM
:sl:

And jazakallahkhair for your help.
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Snowflake
12-13-2006, 01:57 PM
Originally Posted by Anonymous Tester
Oh yeah...:hiding:
omg! I don't believe it :grumbling
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AnonymousPoster
12-13-2006, 06:14 PM
Normally we should be selfless - rather someone else get a bigger portion
etc etc. However in the case of marriage you must be very selfish! After all
you are considering your whole life - and most likely children's life.

Before marriage you must be sure you understand and consider all 'major'
potential issues - and decide if that will really be a problem with you:
Eg.. if she says she wants to work - and you are naturally against a wife
working. You may not raise your objection now - but it may come back to
haunt you later, when she goes out every day etc etc. Or eg if you like to
be in control (some people naturally like to have things their way - or the
highway!) - but she is not the type to easily follow your lead, then there's
going to be problems etc etc etc etc.

My advice is consider all the major issues - be selfish, don't think you
have to say yes, because deep down you feel sorry for them. After all if
there's a major problem down the line and there's a divorce...the woman is
usually the most disadvantaged - so in a way a man being selfish (when
considering marriage) is actually in the best interests of the woman!!!

So in conclusion - she wont be perfect. But you need to base your decision
on: 1) if you find her attractive and 2) if you're happy with major
practical considerations (deen, work, children, health issues etc etc). If
both these points are ok then do istikhara and abide by it - it's supposed
to help you when you need help with a major decision.
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Snowflake
12-13-2006, 10:06 PM
No seriously, pardon me for saying but I am sure the bro was satisfied with the sis in everyway except that he thinks that one wife won't be enough for him. Isn't that being selfish too?
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