Disciplining ur Child

[AmarFaisal]

Discipline shouls start from home. Many ppl believe it is an issue for the schools n teachers to deal. More than 80% of children problems today ( behavioural,disciplinary, social etc), arise because of ineffective parenting. We often talk abt Haqooq al waldain ( parents rights) but do we ever think if we did bring up our children in the way of Islam. If u made a mistake ur children r bound to make one too. Coz the learn from u, ur their first guide to this world.

Below r some ways to discipline ur child. I welcome more ideas suggestions in this

Ages 0 to 2

Babies and toddlers are naturally curious. So it's wise to eliminate temptations and no-nos — items such as VCRs, stereos, jewelry, and especially cleaning supplies and medications should be kept well out of reach. When your crawling baby or roving toddler heads toward an unacceptable or dangerous play object, calmly say "No" and either remove your child from the area or distract him or her with an appropriate activity.

Timeouts can be effective discipline for toddlers. A child who has been hitting, biting, or throwing food, for example, should be told why that behavior is unacceptable and taken to a designated timeout area — a kitchen chair or bottom stair — for a minute or two to calm down (longer timeouts are not effective for toddlers).

It's important to not spank, hit, or slap a child of any age. Babies and toddlers are especially unlikely to be able to make any connection between their behavior and physical punishment. They will only feel the pain of the hit.

And don't forget that kids learn by watching adults, particularly their parents. Make sure your behavior is role-model material. You'll make a much stronger impression by putting your own belongings away rather than just issuing orders to your child to pick up toys while your stuff is left strewn around.

Ages 3 to 5

As your child grows and begins to understand the connection between actions and consequences, make sure you start communicating the rules of your family's home. Explain to kids what you expect of them before you punish them for a certain behavior. For instance, the first time your 3-year-old uses crayons to decorate the living room wall, discuss why that's not allowed and what will happen if your child does it again (for instance, your child will have to help clean the wall and will not be able to use the crayons for the rest of the day). If the wall gets decorated again a few days later, issue a reminder that crayons are for paper only and then enforce the consequences.

The earlier that parents establish this kind of "I set the rules and you're expected to listen or accept the consequences" standard, the better for everyone. Although it's sometimes easier for parents to ignore occasional bad behavior or not follow through on some threatened punishment, this sets a bad precedent. Consistency is the key to effective discipline, and it's important for parents to decide together what the rules are and then uphold them.

While you become clear on what behaviors will be punished, don't forget to reward good behaviors. Don't underestimate the positive effect that your praise can have — discipline is not just about punishment but also about recognizing good behavior. For example, saying "I'm proud of you for sharing your toys at playgroup" is usually more effective than punishing a child for the opposite behavior — not sharing. And be specific when doling out praise; don't just say, "Good job!"

If your child continues an unacceptable behavior no matter what you do, try making a chart with a box for each day of the week. Decide how many times your child misbehave before some punishment kicks in or how long the proper behavior must be displayed before it is rewarded. Post the chart on the refrigerator and then track the good and bad behaviors every day. This will give your child (and you) a concrete look at how it's going. Once this begins to work, praise your child for learning to control misbehavior and, especially, for overcoming any stubborn problem.

Timeouts also can work well for kids at this age. Establish a suitable timeout place that's free of distractions and will force your child to think about how he or she has behaved. Remember, getting sent to your room may have meant something in the days before computers, TVs, and video games were stored there. Don't forget to consider the length of time that will best suit your child. Experts say 1 minute for each year of age is a good rule of thumb; others recommend using the timeout until the child is calmed down (to teach self-regulation).

It's important to tell kids what the right thing to do is, not just to say what the wrong thing is. For example, instead of saying "Don't jump on the couch," try "Please sit on the furniture and put your feet on the floor."

Ages 6 to 8

Timeouts and consequences are also effective discipline strategies for this age group.

Again, consistency is crucial, as is follow-through. Make good on any promises of discipline or else you risk undermining your authority. Kids have to believe that you mean what you say. This is not to say you can't give second chances or allow a certain margin of error, but for the most part, you should act on what you say.

Be careful not to make unrealistic threats of punishment ("Slam that door and you'll never watch TV again!") in anger, since not following through could weaken all your threats. If you threaten to turn the car around and go home if the squabbling in the backseat doesn't stop, make sure you do exactly that. The credibility you'll gain with your kids is much more valuable than a lost beach day.

Huge punishments may take away your power as a parent. If you ground your son or daughter for a month, your child may not feel motivated to change behaviors because everything has already been taken away.

Ages 9 to 12

Kids in this age group — just as with all ages — can be disciplined with natural consequences. As they mature and request more independence and responsibility, teaching them to deal with the consequences of their behavior is an effective and appropriate method of discipline.

For example, if your fifth grader's homework isn't done homework before bedtime, should you make him or her stay up to do it or even lend a hand yourself? Probably not — you'll miss an opportunity to teach a key life lesson. If homework is incomplete, your child will go to school the next day without it and suffer the resulting bad grade.

It's natural for parents to want to rescue kids from mistakes, but in the long run they do kids a favor by letting them fail sometimes. Kids see what behaving improperly can mean, and will probably not make those mistakes again. However, if your child does not seem to be learning from natural consequences, you should set up your own consequences to help modify the behavior more effectively.

Ages 13 and Up

By now you've laid the groundwork. Your child knows what's expected and that you mean what you say about the consequences of bad behavior. Don't let down your guard now — discipline is just as important for teens as it is for younger children. Just like the 4-year-old who needs you to set a bedtime and stick to it, your teen needs to know boundaries, too.

Set up rules regarding homework, visits by friends, curfews, and dating and discuss them beforehand with your teenager so there will be no misunderstandings. Your teen will probably complain from time to time, but also will realize that you're in control. Believe it or not, teens still want and need you to set limits and enforce order in their lives, even as you grant them greater freedom and responsibility.

When your teen does break a rule, taking away privileges may seem the best plan of action. While it's fine to take away the car for a week, for example, be sure to also discuss why coming home an hour past curfew is unacceptable and worrisome.

Remember to give a teenager some control over things. Not only will this limit the number of power struggles you have, it will help your teen respect the decisions that you do need to make for him or her. You could allow a younger teen to make decisions concerning school clothes, hair styles, or even the condition of his or her room. As your teen gets older, that realm of control might be extended to include an occasional relaxed curfew.

It's also important to focus on the positives. For example, have your teen earn a later curfew by demonstrating positive behavior instead of setting an earlier curfew as punishment for irresponsible behavior.
A Word About Spanking

Perhaps no form of discipline is more controversial than spanking. Here are some reasons why the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) discourages spanking:

* Spanking teaches kids that it's OK to hit when they're angry.
* Spanking can physically harm children.
* Rather than teaching kids how to change their behavior, spanking makes them fearful of their parents and merely teaches them to avoid getting caught.
* For kids seeking attention by acting out, spanking may inadvertently "reward" them — negative attention is better than no attention at all.

[mohammed farah]

good post sister , lol i may need to use thisinformation in an argument in the future

[Abdul-Raouf]

good post sister , lol i may need to use thisinformation in an argument in the future

Yes its an Useful post..

[Takumi]

IMHO, the worse setback of parenting is the failure to instill love for Allah and His messenger. This happens because parents themselves are not serious worshipper of Allah and follower of the sunnah.

Are we saying that they should be scholars? No. Simple tasks such as, making solah at home, showing their kids that they are spiritually balanced by performing some sunnah of the prophet, while eating, drinking and sleeping play a major role in performing tarbiyah (nurturing) of a muslim child.

Muslim parents are, sadly to say, very comfortable with the paradigm, "do as I say not as I do". This per sé, is the epitome of failure in parenting. Since Allah does not like this. Observe:

2 O you who believe! Why do you say that which you do not do?
3 Most hateful it is with Allah that you say that which you do not do.

As Saff.

Theories and research aside, a child learns from what he sees. Unless a miracle happens, a child who doesn't see his parents fervently worshipping Allah will most likely be like his parents.

Allah has given beautiful examples on how dutiful parents will be compensated justly. Read:

80 "And as for the boy, his parents were believers, and we feared lest he should oppress them by rebellion and disbelief.
81 "So we intended that their Lord should change him for them for one better in righteousness and near to mercy.
82 "And as for the wall, it belonged to two orphan boys in the town; and there was under it a treasure belonging to them; and their father was a righteous man, and your Lord intended that they should attain their age of full strength and take out their treasure as a mercy from your Lord. And I did it not of my own accord. That is the interpretation of those (things) over which you could not hold patience."

Al Kahf

Do you see that? In both cases, it's either a parent or both parents were righteous and Allah takes care of their affairs.


It's rather weird though to note, parenting is the most difficult task at hand but there are no colleges, universities or schools than can prepare you for this noble and bountiful responsibility.

A parent's obedience towards Allah and His messenger permeates through his/her actions, influencing his/her spouse and his/her children hence building a household that does not only uphold the true creed and the sunnah but also becomes a nucleus for a harmonious community.

Is it achievable? Yes. When? I don't know. How? Back to basics.

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[syilla]

:salamext:

bump tododeedump

[barney]

I recalled a Hadith:

Order your children with salaah at the age of seven and beat them (about it) at the age of ten."
Sunan Abu Daud vol.1

Other translations are instead of order is "Be a freind" or "instruct" till the age of 7

[syilla]

http://www.islamicboard.com/miscella...-children.html

[PouringRain]

This is a good post. I am a big fan of time outs for children.

With older children, one thing I do is to give them options for punishments. After we discuss what is acceptable and not acceptable, I will ask them what punishment they think is appropriate. If it is something I feel is too lenient, then we discuss why and agree on another punishment. If it is something that seems reasonable, then I accept it.

Another thing I do with my children is role playing. If there is something bad said to each other, or an argument, or something else of a similar nature, then we role play how to effectively handle a situation. This may include discussing things like: "how could you have said that better?" or "how do you think this could have been better handled?" or "What would have been a better response to the situation?" And then we don't just discus it, but we role play the situation over for them to practice.

There are other things I do as well, but off the top of my head, those are two that popped up.

[AabiruSabeel]

:salam:

This is a very old thread but we received an email from a website with the following message. I thought it might be suitable to post it here.

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We'd really appreciate it if you would consider including a link to our behavior charts on your website as a free resource to your visitors.

Thanks for your consideration in helping us spread awareness. Have a nice day!

[muslim brother]

the main challenge comes after 13,

upto 13 its still relatively easy.
now they go to high school,college, work
they are free to go wherever and you cannot control anything.
thats when the foundation upto 13 becomes very important.

parenting infact starts at the moment of insemination,when the fathers prays a dua
and the mother while pregnant eats halal food and prays quran/sala/zikr etc
and the mans earning of halal rizq
also what the parents listen to and watch when the baby is in the womb.