Do you still love me, Mum?

[F.Y.]

:sl: dear Brothers and Sisters,
I really had a hard time contemplating whether or not to put this poem here. I wrote it myself, so it feels embarrassing to put it up - I've never done this before. The topics it covers are also ... not a 'feel good' kind of thing, so if you're going to be reading this to get a good feeling - i don't know if you will. I am sorry if I offend anyone. It is a very 'doom and gloom' kind of poem, but thats how i felt when i wrote it. Any suggestions on improving it or any kind of feedback are welcome, as long as it is constructive.
I hope you can be patient with it too - it may be a bit long for some readers. Enjoy.

Do you still love me, Mum?

It’s so cold but I won’t shut the window
I like the pain and that numb feeling in my body
It makes me feel alive
And because I know you hate it when I have my window open.

And they say the Shayateen are chained,
But there must be some running around somewhere,
Because it’s Ramadan but you still choose to hurt me,
And all I can do is defend myself with words,
But that is a big mistake,
Because now it’s turned around on me and it’s my entire fault.

And you call me childish
When you don’t want to grow up yourself,
And when they point this out to you
You comment that I am a grown up and I should know better
(Yes, even better than you, you say).

And all the times you made me cry,
When you’ve screamed and screeched down my ear,
When you hit me and left those bruises on my arm (not to mention my dad too),
When you turned over the whole kitchen in blind fury
And bellowed at me to clean out the whole thing,
When you threw the clothes out of my wardrobe in your rage,
When you insulted and highlighted the weak points in my personality,
When you snubbed at my failures,
And I am a female and those remarks on some of my physical weaknesses were not welcome
Because I can’t help most of them.
And it astounds me to say that due to your brashness I cry at least once a day.

And it’s so cold but I won’t shut the window
I like the pain and that numb feeling in my body
It makes me feel alive
And because I know you hate it when I have my window open.

And you told me no man would want me and he’d kick me out-
“Who wants to see your face in the morning?”
And that because of the daggy clothes I might wear at times
He’d eventually go off and find another wife
“Just like your uncle Ishaq, who couldn’t stand your aunty, probably because of the same problem.”
But I beg to differ because he’d been with the other woman even before marrying my aunt.

And all the obscenities you’ve thrown my way,
And I was too startled and of course, “knew better” to say a word back.
So I bore it and when you were sorry, I’d accept your apology because we all make mistakes and things can get out of control sometimes - I understand.

And I’ve asked for your forgiveness many a time
Even when it clearly wasn’t my fault,
Because it’s the ‘grown up’ thing to do and because I know that once you start a war with me you won’t stop till you’ve finished me off.
But you look at me as if I just swore at you and insulted your intelligence.
You’d rather die than forgive me and that’s a fact.
You convince yourself you’ve forgiven the rellies too, but you continue to bring them up in conversation and put them down –
In the end it’s your loss because your brownie points are taken from you and placed nicely on their right arm

And it’s so cold but I won’t shut the window
I like the pain and that numb feeling in my body
It makes me feel alive
And because I know you hate it when I have my window open.

And you tell me on your good days not to compare myself
to Jameelah and Hasina and all the other girls,
But on your bad days you’ll do it so blatantly you’d think you wished they had been your daughters instead.
And I know I may not be the perfect daughter you want,
But I do know prejudice when I see it – I may not be married or beautiful like Jameelah,
But to you, her ironing for her mum till midnight
Means more to you than the countless nights I ironed for everyone till past midnight.
Yes, I know, I didn’t have to catch a plane to Zambia the next day though.

And you harshly say you’re going to marry me off,
Well that’s all good with me
But I don’t like it when you treat me as if I’m a burden.
I thought the Prophet (SAW)’s behaviour towards his daughter Fatima would be implanted in the hearts of all Muslim parents,
She wasn’t treated like a burden or ‘threatened’ with marriage.
We’re back in the dark ages even thought we’re so ‘modern’
I feel I’m a burden trying to be passed off so I can be somebody else’s burden
And to him, whoever you are, I am already sorry that you might be sorry that you chose to live with a burden.

And when he so beautifully and genuinely sang
“I don’t want to be a grown up like the grown ups I have seen…”
I knew exactly what he meant.
And you have no idea how I wished I could “…climb into the past…” so we could all see the example of the Prophet (SAW)
And recognise the value of our lives and each other.

And it’s so cold but I won’t shut the window
I like the pain and that numb feeling in my body
But maybe, I will try closing the window…just a little bit…

And when you declared, in not so many words, that you hate me
I thought it was too bad to be true
But you meant it and maybe I can understand why.
Who’d want a daughter like me? I don’t know, but ‘hate’ is a strong word
And you didn’t deny it at all
But as usual if I were to bring this topic up in about one months time
You won’t even remember you said it.
But me? I’ll remember your words forever,
But this is not my choice.
My memory refuses to let those stinging words of yours go.

And you told me once upon a time that if I had any problem
I could come to you.
But your reaction to the problems I came with over the years
have taught me otherwise.
I have a few nagging problems right now
And I am afraid I cannot tell you what they are,
Because I am sure your reaction to them would blow them up to the point
That they would be on the evening news tonight.

And I was truly offended when you were in favour of youngsters
Holding hands with others before marriage.
“That’s what you do. That’s the way people find partners.”
I believe that was indirectly aimed at me.
“I don’t think so,” I reply quietly
So you called me “stiff” but it all depends on your point of view…

And it’s so cold but I won’t shut the window
I like the pain and that numb feeling in my body
But maybe, I will try closing the window…maybe a little bit more.

And do you think I can ever forget your smirk today
when you scalded my hand accidentally with boiling water?
And how will I ever recover from the hurt when you declared
to the doctor you only had two kids?
You failed to mention me.

And all this because
I don’t do your housework up to your standard
But look at my hands and you’ve agreed they tell another story
And all this because
Of my back chat
Yes, I admit it is really wrong of me
And I try really hard to keep my mouth shut, really I do
But you accuse me falsely of things, talk to me arrogantly and stubbornly reject
Any other way except yours
And if I don’t defend myself against your tirade of abuse and onslaught
Who will?
…..I know Allah will.
But in my anger too – I forget He is my defender.
And I am sorry. I am going to pray for forgiveness and patience.

And I sincerely hope Allah forgives you quicker than you’ve forgiven anyone else
Because if He doesn’t
I don’t want to be standing there watching you cry tears of blood, maybe crying the same tears myself, awaiting my own trial.
And that’s what this has been
A test, a trial
And I am so unhappy to say we may both be failing quite miserably.

And it’s so cold but I won’t shut the window
I like the pain and that numb feeling in my body
But maybe, I will close the window completely
Because I realise that you hate it and I give in. I give in.
And I am sorry. I am….really sorry.

By F.Y. (Oct 8th / 3rd Ramadan.)

[Al Muslimah]

:sl:

Aww...Masha'Allah sis thats so sweet & beautiful!

You deserve some rep. points ;)

[F.Y.]

Thanks sister so much for your support!
Except i dont feel too good about the poem anymore. I wrote it on behalf of a very close friend, whos going through a bit of a rough patch. I can truly understand some things she tells me and it was to make her feel better.
A feel a little bad that it is so open and dramatic, but she appreciates it anyway.
It sometimes reminds me of the bad things i may gave done too. May Allah help me.

Peace.

[Al Muslimah]

Don't feel bad sis were all sinners end of the day...no one is perfect in this world...Except for the Nabi SAW who was the perfect example to mankind. And Insha'Allah we should try our utmost to follow his Sunnah.

May Allah help us all through difficulty- Ameen! :)

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[Muhammad]

EDIT

[- Qatada -]

:sl: warahmatulahi wabarakatuh.

masha Allah! subhan Allah! you came up with that yourself sis? seriosly cz thats proper deep and i really like the main chorus.. have u written any other poemz? cz seriosly - it makes you think and realise how we treat our parents in todays society.. like the part when u say:

'And because I know you hate it when I have my window open.'

and how gradually the girl realises her own faults aswell and this leads to her forgivin her mom.. and finally

'But maybe, I will close the window completely
Because I realise that you hate it and I give in. I give in.
And I am sorry. I am….really sorry.'

seriosly that soo deep.. masha Allah. keep up the good work cz insha Allah you could really write poemz to make people realise their faults and how they can overcome them.. and realise the true beauty of islam. insha Allah! jazak Allah khayr wa barak Allah u feeki (may Allah (swt) bless you) and your family and your mates - ameen.


wasalam o 'alykum warahmatulahi wabarakatuh.

[Zuko]

:sl:

THAT POEM WAS SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just like brother akhee said, it did remind me of my faults and all the stupid stuff I do... Jazakallah Khair! Hope to hear more from you soon! :coolsis:

:w:

[Salema]

Wow..mashaallah..!

[Mahmud]

Mashaalah!

[ummbilal]

salaam alakum F.Y

I pray inshaallah Allah will make these trials easy for the sister in the poem, inshaallah she will remember Allah tests us all in different ways and "after hardship will always come ease"
it may seem like this pain will never end but inshaallah soon she will find herself in a loving marriage whether its a month away, a year or even 5 years inshaallah the thought of it will give her strength, because even though she is suffering at the hands of her mother, she will never be loved as she will be by her husband inshaallah.

please remind her that she has sisters all over the world remembering her in their duas inshaallah,

fi ammanillah

[F.Y.]

Dear Brothers and Sisters
I want to thank you all so much for your support. It means so much to me.
Myabe i shouldn't have delayed putting the poem up in the first place, looking at the reaction people have had to it.
Thankyou all for being so incredibly kind. Your response is very touching.

seriosly that soo deep.. masha Allah. keep up the good work cz insha Allah you could really write poemz to make people realise their faults and how they can overcome them.. and realise the true beauty of islam. insha Allah! jazak Allah khayr wa barak Allah u feeki (may Allah (swt) bless you) and your family and your mates - ameen.[FONT][/B]

Inshallah brother, make dua. I have written other poems, and i'll try to put them up here in the future. I would love to help people overcome their faults. I dont like seeing people sad:( I wish i could make everybody smile and be cheerful all the time.

I will be sure to remember you all in my dua's, and especially more so seeing as its Ramadan.
If you feel the poem needs improving, please dont hesitate to give your suggestions. I really dont mind.

I think one of my inspirations is Dawud Wharnsby. As you can probably all see, i've quoted him in my poem. How effective that is, I dont know.

Jazakallah to all again.
May Allah bless you all and grant you Jannatul Firdos.
Peace.

[Intifada]

aslum alkum

mashallah that was the best poem I heard.

[Riya90]

Assalamu Alaikum sis
Mashallah that was so nicee , Please write some more poems :thumbs_up
May Allah (SWT) guide us and protect us all .. Ameen!

Fi amani Allah

[F.Y.]

salaam alakum F.Y

I pray inshaallah Allah will make these trials easy for the sister in the poem, inshaallah she will remember Allah tests us all in different ways and "after hardship will always come ease"

Ameen.

it may seem like this pain will never end but inshaallah soon she will find herself in a loving marriage whether its a month away, a year or even 5 years inshaallah the thought of it will give her strength, because even though she is suffering at the hands of her mother, she will never be loved as she will be by her husband inshaallah.

Oh, I am praying the same sister, most fervently! :)

please remind her that she has sisters all over the world remembering her in their duas inshaallah,

This means a lot to her - she doesnt feel alone anymore. We have discussed this and she feels like she has more patience now she has her problem off her chest.

Peace :)

[Ayaan]

:sl:

Masha'Allah Sis that was so nice poem ..
Jazakallah ;)

[MetSudaisTwice]

salam
mashallah that was great
wasalam

[abusufi96]

Its ok we forget things.