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lonely
11-17-2005, 10:57 AM
Salaam everyone!

I need some help.

I've been married for 10 years and it's been quite a bumpy road.

My husband is very boring, arrogant, humorless and self-centered.

He is always sick or complaining about something or the other. We don't really have any 'real' conversations unless it's about his 3 favourite topics viz; his work, finances, the car. We don't go out, the only place we ever go to is my parents.

Some years ago, I was so stressed that I took the kids and left, he promised he would change and we would even go for counselling, but that never happened. I really do love him, but at the moment in time I cannot stand looking or listening to him. I could tell much more than this, but I don't have the time or energy to explain.

Any suggestions???:phew

:w:
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Rabi'ya
11-17-2005, 11:19 AM
:sl:

sister, i think you need to sit him down and talk it out. try to stay calm and dont shout, argue or get things out of hand.

Explain how you feel and that if things dont change or if he doenst change then you will have to take further action. I think it might be an idea to suggest the counselling again, and go as a couple. speak to the imam at your local masjid, who may be able to counsel you.

Dont give up sister, please talk to him firstly and try to sort things out. Everyone goes through rought patches, im sure, inshAllah, with the help of Almighty Allah you can get through it.

May Allah help you and guide you...ameen

:w:

Rabi'ya:rose:

(thread moved)
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lonely
11-17-2005, 11:23 AM
Sitting down and talking to him takes up 99.9% of my energy. I feel so stressed at the moment, and it's affecting other areas in my life, especially my children, I end up sending them to bed early, just becuase I want to be alone, even when I try to do something with them, he ends up yelling, becuase he can't concentrate on his work - he works from home - I really am so sick of his attitude.
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MetSudaisTwice
11-17-2005, 11:23 AM
salam
that is probably the best and the most civilised solution to your problem as sis rabiya has mentioned
just communicate with each other more, thats my advice
wasalam
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Ameeratul Layl
11-17-2005, 11:25 AM
Originally Posted by lonely
Sitting down and talking to him takes up 99.9% of my energy.
I feel so stressed at the moment, and it's affecting other areas in my life, especially my children, I end up sending them to bed early, just becuase I want to be alone,

Sis, u cant neglect ur kids. U do that now and theyll never want to love you and then....theyll start to rebel. Do u want that? I doubt it very much!!:-\

even when I try to do something with them, he ends up yelling, becuase he can't concentrate on his work - he works from home - I really am so sick of his attitude.
Hmmmmm......dont he have a room of his won. And how old is the YOUNGEST child?
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lonely
11-17-2005, 11:25 AM
Thanks Ameeratul Layl

How many kids u got sis?
3
How long has this been going on for?
Oh, most of my married life, there were times it was okay or shall I say bearable!
Do both of u work?
Yes!
wat do YOU think has triggered tbis behaviour off?
I don't think anything has triggered it, he just needs a good attitude adjustment.

The baby is 2 years old!

He doesn't have a room of his own, our place is big enough!!!

I meant to say our place is NOT big enough!!!sorry
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MetSudaisTwice
11-17-2005, 11:29 AM
salam
sis you got to have a really close bond and relationship with your childrens so that your husband realises that he should really love and respect you more now that you are caring for his childrens, and sis talk in a clam way to him and don't ever give up if he still shows you bad attitude
tell him that you both should sort out the problems before it gets so worse and it will effect the kids
wasalam
Reply

Rabi'ya
11-17-2005, 11:31 AM
Ok sis, you should not bring the children into this dispute between you and your husband. I, for one, know this from experience. the child will end up blaming themselves. Please do not let them realise the tension. Explain this to your husband and tell him that you have to put the children before anything else,

this in itself may help the situation because you both have a common goal. You should set down specific family time and try to re-build the bond as a couple and as a family. Try going out once a week, say on a saturday with the kids and go to the park, or to an event, or attraction. If your local masjid does talks that would be anexcellent even to go to as you can go as a family, and you can learn something too. The kids will be kept occupied too, inshAllah

:w:

Rabi'ya:rose:
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Ameeratul Layl
11-17-2005, 11:31 AM
Originally Posted by lonely
Thanks Ameeratul Layl

How many kids u got sis? 3

MashAllah...thats weet. U sed ur youngest is 2 years old. Is this cild close to the father?
How long has this been going on for? Oh, most of my married life, there were times it was okay or shall I say bearable!

Wat makes u want to spill it all out now sis? I must ask this cuz I need to know how u feel.....
Do both of u work? Yes!

And gud money is coming in?


wat do YOU think has triggered tbis behaviour off? I don't think anything has triggered it, he just needs a good attitude adjustment.
hmmmm...im thinking about that one ^^^^^
Reply

lonely
11-17-2005, 11:32 AM
If I start telling him about his attitude, he gets down on me, and tells me that maybe I need an attitude adjustment then he will get one. How do you have a civilized discussion with someone like this?
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Rabi'ya
11-17-2005, 11:33 AM
Just a thought - wheredo you live sis?

:w:

Rabi'ya:rose:
Reply

Ameeratul Layl
11-17-2005, 11:34 AM
Originally Posted by lonely
If I start telling him about his attitude, he gets down on me, and tells me that maybe I need an attitude adjustment then he will get one. How do you have a civilized discussion with someone like this?
Dont scream and shout....talk to him with nice and kind words...amaze him!! Hell probably click after a while.
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MetSudaisTwice
11-17-2005, 11:34 AM
salam
sis then maybe you need to telling him with a firm tone of voice that he best sort himself out before it really effects the kids, tell him that if he really loves you and his kids then he will sort him out
either that or give him an ultimatum
wasalam
Reply

lonely
11-17-2005, 11:35 AM
Actually the money is coming in, but there was a business that went bad 2 years ago, which left us with a lot of debt! The point is not wanting to spill it out now, it's been going on for a long while already! It's just reached boiling point!
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lonely
11-17-2005, 11:35 AM
I am out in South Africa, Cape Town to be exact!
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MetSudaisTwice
11-17-2005, 11:40 AM
salam
sis you have to tell your husband that it isn't fair that just coz he had financial trouble he should take it out on you and your family
just continue to tell him that you need to sort out problems and try more counselling if you can
wasalam
Reply

Ameeratul Layl
11-17-2005, 11:41 AM
Originally Posted by metsudaistwice
salam
just continue to tell him that you need to sort out problems and try more counselling if you can
wasalam

:sl:
Tht doesnt work brother. Its a load of....trash if u ask me.
But, sis, If u feel it does and it will...then ur more than welcome to go ahead with it.

Allah ma3ik
Reply

MetSudaisTwice
11-17-2005, 11:43 AM
salam
invite family and friends around to your house as invitations which can normally help
wasalam
Reply

Buthaynah
11-17-2005, 11:53 AM
:sl:
I hope God makes everythign easy for you.

Amaeen.

Salaam
Reply

Rabi'ya
11-17-2005, 11:59 AM
Originally Posted by Buthaynah
:sl:
I hope God makes everythign easy for you.

Amaeen.

Salaam
ameen.....


sis, i would say that you initally try to talk to him. dont bring up what you think is wrong with him....tell him that u r aware of the friction between you and ask him what he wants you to change about urself. be strong take any criticisms he has to give them say to him that you accept them and you will try to work on x, y and z(pick a few of the things he says) then ask him if he's willing to listen to you about what upsets you and whether he would be willing to change a couple of things about himself too.

:w:

Rabi'ya:rose:
Reply

MetSudaisTwice
11-17-2005, 12:06 PM
salam
yep mashallah a great advice sis rabiya, that should work
if it doesn't work then offer an ultimatum, just make sure that he takes you seriously
wasalam
Reply

Rabi'ya
11-17-2005, 12:59 PM
Originally Posted by metsudaistwice
salam

if it doesn't work then offer an ultimatum, just make sure that he takes you seriously
wasalam
good advice, once again, brother medsudaistwice.Mashallah, May Allah bless you for that...ameen

May Allah bless you too sister...ameen
I pray that inshAllah you will sort out ur problems

:w:

Rabi'ya:rose:
Reply

lonely
11-17-2005, 01:00 PM
If I give him an ultimatum, like wanted to leave him, he threatens me by telling me that I can leave but his children must stay.
Reply

Rabi'ya
11-17-2005, 01:09 PM
As-Salamu `alaykum! My wife seeks divorce for the mere reason of being no more interested in our marital life. Now, the question is: To whom the custody of children goes after divorce, bearing in mind that we have three children under five. As far as I know, the mother has the right to keep the children in her custody until they reach puberty, then they should be moved to their father. If I refused to divorce my wife, she will seek divorce through courts. Am I allowed in this particular case to claim the custody of children?

Name of Mufti A Group of Islamic Researchers

Wa `alaykum As-Salamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.

Dear brother in Islam, we would like to thank you for the great confidence you place in us, and we implore Allah Almighty to help us serve His cause and render our work for His Sake.

Marriage is indeed a sacred bond that brings together a man and a woman by virtue of the teachings of the Qur'an and the Sunnah. Thus, each partner in this sacred relationship must treat the other beautifully and properly.

A man must not divorce his wife to bring harm upon her, as this constitutes an act that demolishes this noble establishment, breaks the woman’s heart, and possibly separates the woman from her children without any reason. Thus, the separation between a man and his wife [without just reason] was considered one of the major and grave sins, and one of the most beloved actions of Satan, as was narrated in a number of hadiths. It is also forbidden for a woman to ask for a divorce without a sensible reason.

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: "Among lawful things, divorce is most hated by Allah." (Reported by Abu Dawud) The spouses should avoid divorce as much as possible. If they have difficulties and problems they should try to work out their differences and seek help from their relatives, friends or professional counselors. They should also consider and think of the future of their children and the destructive effects of divorce on their children's future. However, if the differences are irreconcilable then divorce is permissible, but it should be done in a decent manner.

In this regard, Allah Almighty says: "When ye have divorced women, and they have reached their term, then retain them in kindness or release them in kindness. Retain them not to their hurt so that ye transgress (the limits). He who doeth that hath wronged his soul. Make not the revelations of Allah a laughing stock (by your behavior), but remember Allah's grace upon you and that which He hath revealed unto you of the Scripture and of wisdom, whereby He doth exhort you. Observe your duty to Allah and know that Allah is Aware of all things." (Al-Baqarah: 231) The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) says, "No harm shall be inflicted or reciprocated in Islam."

As for the custody of children, we see that daughters should remain with their mother until they get married. As for male kids, they should remain with their mother until they reach the age of puberty, and then shifted to their father in order to get acquainted with the traits of manhood.

May Allah guide you to the straight path and direct you to that which pleases Him.

Allah Almighty knows best

http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/Satellite?pagename=IslamOnline-English-Ask_Scholar/FatwaE/FatwaE&cid=1119503543880

I hope this will help inshAllah.
:w:

Rabi'ya:rose:
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MetSudaisTwice
11-17-2005, 02:25 PM
salam
mashallah a great post sis rabiya and jazakallah for the kind word above and ameen
may allah guide you sis lonely and may allah ease your situation inshallah
wasalam
Reply

edil
11-17-2005, 05:49 PM
Make dua for him that he can be the best husband you want him to be and have patient even though it can be hard sometime but thats the best way and start a new topic for him so you can talk about.
Reply

Muezzin
11-17-2005, 08:54 PM
Originally Posted by lonely
Salaam everyone!

I need some help.

I've been married for 10 years and it's been quite a bumpy road.

My husband is very boring, arrogant, humorless and self-centered.

He is always sick or complaining about something or the other. We don't really have any 'real' conversations unless it's about his 3 favourite topics viz; his work, finances, the car. We don't go out, the only place we ever go to is my parents.

Some years ago, I was so stressed that I took the kids and left, he promised he would change and we would even go for counselling, but that never happened. I really do love him, but at the moment in time I cannot stand looking or listening to him. I could tell much more than this, but I don't have the time or energy to explain.

Any suggestions???:phew

:w:
I say this without any humour, irony or sarcasm: Have the both of you ever tried going for marriage counselling? It seems like a viable option considering the effect it seems to be having on you.
Reply

MetSudaisTwice
11-18-2005, 11:15 AM
salam
just make continous dua to allah to guide you and make your marriage a succesful one once again
wasalam
Reply

lonely
11-18-2005, 11:25 AM
Samurah (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Woman was created from a rib, and if you try to straighten the rib you will break it, so be gentle with her and you will be able to live with her.” (Reported by Ahmad, 5/8; Ibn Maajah, 1308; Saheeh al-Jaami’, 2/163).

Perhaps I should give him a copy of this?
Reply

MetSudaisTwice
11-18-2005, 11:26 AM
salam
mashallah that is a great quote and please do give this to your husband, it surely should help
wsalam
Reply

Rabi'ya
11-18-2005, 11:29 AM
Mashallah a nice quote. I should certainly try it. nothing ventured nothing gained

:w:

Rabi'ya:rose:
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Ansar Al-'Adl
11-18-2005, 03:39 PM
:sl:
Read the following article by Shaykh Salman Al-Oadah together:
http://www.islamtoday.net/english/sh...sub_cat_id=651

:w:
Reply

Umm Yoosuf
11-18-2005, 04:14 PM
Wa Alaikumusslaam

Brother thats such a beautiful article. May Allah bring love and mercy between every married believeing men and women.
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