My "scary" story.. :D

[skatteress]

this is a story i made.. yes i know its crap.. we were ment to write it for our courswork at school.. and erm.. the theme was "horror" .. so hope you enjoy


every scary story starts in the typical way. “It was a dark frosty night” or “It was a cold Halloween evening, a strong gust of wind was blowing through my curtains” blab blab blab. However my story is totally different, it is a true story that happened to me around two months ago. I had no idea what I was letting myself in for. I want to make that clear from the start. You might assume that I fabricated this entire thing. The truth is, I had no clue what was happing, and by the time I did become conscious, I believe that you’ll be of the same opinion, that it was too late to do anything about it.
It was a sunny evening and mum and dad were going out.
“Look after Tariq and make sure you go to bed on time.” Mum yelled from the front porch.
Tariq is my eight year old brother, sent from hell. He is the most annoying and troublesome little jerk you would ever find on the face of the earth. We call him the “human tornado”, because he does not understand how to sit down for at least a minute without causing trouble. My best friend Ameera finds him really cute. She calls him her “prince”, because of his wide hypnotizing eyes. He always gets his own way without any doubt, just by flashing his charming and adorable smile. Tariq and I look completely diverse; he has short untidy jet black hair which he never brushes and green eyes. He is very tiny for his age; he could pass for a six year old anytime. While I have dirty brown hair as well as Hazel eyes, also I am very tall for my age.

“Everything is will be fine inshallah” I called back, while I was dialing Ameera’s telephone number.
SLAM. The door closed/.
Finally I was home alone, with my brother of course, but he was upstairs playing with his latest game “Asteroids”, he is always up in his room twenty four seven this week, he is literally glued to games.
“Ring Ring, Hello?”
“Asalamu alykum Ameera its Amina”
“Oh Wa’alykumu salam Amii, are your parents gone? Please say yes”
“Yes they are. Whoa we have the house to ourselves. Can you come around in an hour’s time, pack all you belongings, I have extra sleeping bags”
“All right, see you in a bit”
“Waslam”
As soon as I put the phone down, I stared to jump up and down. I was so glad that Ameera was going to sleepover for two days; at least I was not stuck with my Tariq.

An hour later

Ding Dong
“I will open the door” I shouted out to my brother.
This was the worst mistake I had ever made. Even as I write this, I am crying and trembling.
“Hiya girl” I squealed, as I wrapped my arms around her.
“Hey, what is up?”
“Nothing much really, so what are we going to do? Play hit or play with dolls?”
“Are you kidding me” I yelled as I saw a cheeky grin on her face “Hey” I gave her a playful shove.
“I have some movies I brought from home, want to watch Deformed Humans 2? It came out on DVD two days ago, my dad brought it for me last night, I thought I might save it for the sleepover.
“Amazing Ameera ha-ha” I replied sarcastically.
Ameera dad works for the government and her mum is a doctor. They have a really high salary and everyday she receives triple amount of money I get every week.
“Okay, you set up the living room, while I go to the kitchen to grab the food”
I went to the toilet first. I had been busting to go to the toilet ever since mum and dad left.
That was when I heard a high pitched scream. I rushed out of the toilet without washing my hands. I didn’t even care about anything at this moment. I get shocked really easily. I ran to were the noise came from. My house is very big, it has three floors, with 5 bedrooms and 1 guest room. We have an attic and a basement. We also have library which converts into a study room. We live in Chelsea, one of England’s trendy suburbs. Beautiful tree-lined streets, federation houses, manicured front lawns and winding driveways. We moved here last year because my dad started working at a clinic in a nearby town.

I took three steps at a time down the stairs, not caring if I hurt my foot on one of the nails poking out of the sides. I felt like I was running for years. As I reached the living room, I saw my brother being pinned down, by a horrible looking beast. It had a body of a cat and a head of a Rottweiler. Its saliva was dripping down the sides of its mouth. Everything its saliva touched dissolved. There were holes already in our newly laminated floor. But this was not the case at the moment. Using my developing muscles in my legs, I sprang across the room and bowled Cog over. I call it Cog because I put the two words, cat and dog together to make Cog.

I smashed its head to the floor and enforced a ruler that I found laying on the floor, into its fragile stomach, oozing flesh came out of it. Cog whimpered, its eyes widened, bared its teeth and trembled with agony. I made a fist, grabbed some of its inner organs and jerked hard. My hands pull out with trailing guts, blood splatter everywhere, the floor, the walls and furniture’s. I thought of what my parents would say if they saw the mess. I convinced myself it was a dream, but if it was a dream I still had to continue the battle.

Cog screamed the creature striked my chest and I fell. It’s on me in a flash, tramped over my face and leaving his saliva to make holes in my clothes. Thin, sharp nails scratched my cheeks, then its grey, cold furry body clamped over my mouth and nostril. I felt it tighten on my lips and nose, and the creature squeals with excitement as I struggle for air.

It was trying to suffocate me. I had to do something at that moment for my foe would defeat me. I hate people winning over me, even at school; coming second was like coming last. I want to win, I though, I had to prove the dim-witted creature, that its tactics was nothing, but an unintelligent idea. At that instant I punched the beast, but my fists made a little impact, merely sinking into the soft furry layers of its body. I no longer had the strength and effort to punch it off. I collapsed, my lungs strained, I still pushed and punched Cog, but feebly now. My strength was fading; soon I would become its dinner.

I felt a pain on my back. My eyes snapped open. This was not a dream. This was war, and whoever and whatever that monster was, my aim was to kill it to save myself and my brother. That’s when I remembered my brother, I could not hear is screaming anymore. I scanned the floor to see if he was lying dead on the ground, but he was not in sight. I sighed with relive that he was not in the room or dead. I still had a chance of defeat. He probably went to call the police or something I thought, tying to think positive.

As the world started to darken around me, Cog was abruptly ripped away. I catch a glimpse of it flying through the air, screaming and them landing on the floor with a loud thud. It rolled a several times, then straightened up and propelled itself at me again. Suddenly, someone stepped in front of me, it look like a boy, but his skin is as white as a sheet--.
“Tariq” I yell “is that really you? What is going on? Where is Ameera? Is she all right? Did you call the poli—“
“Whoa whoa, take a deep breath, everything is okay. Now, I want you to stay calm and I want you not to be shocked, with the news I am going to tell you” Tariq replied calmly.
At time I really did like my brother, when it comes to being serious, he is great. His eyes widened and instantly made me calm.
“That beast was Ameera, I know it is hard to believe, but –“
“I think you have gone nuts Tariq, there no time for games here, she might be in real danger, you have been playing too much games, get out of my way, you just don’t know when to stop playing around” I shouted angrily.
“No just listen to me, I am not joking, she turned into that monster, were else do you think it might of came from?”
At that instant I heard a scream, Cog was back. The wild creature or Amreea as Tariq stated. It darted towards me. Tariq roars, “Amina” and tries to grab me, but I turned away from him as instant pain claimed me. I whipped around, thrashed, shrieked, and wild. The Cog strike again and punctured my left eye. Darkness consumes me. I am in hell.

[Sawdah]

...
I don't know what to say. I'm shocked.

[cat eyes]

its okay but i believe it needs a little work. its overly far fetched i think i hope you don't mind my honesty. i have many ideas how you could make that story more believable and interesting

[Woodrow]

the story is quite good. the improvements I suggest would be to work on the opening paragraph. For the rest of the story try to reduce the total word count, not by just removing words, but by using a single word adjective in place of descriptive sentences.

ie= Where you said "I had no idea what I was letting myself in for. I want to make that clear from the start. You might assume that I fabricated this entire thing. The truth is, I had no clue what was happing, and by the time I did become conscious, I believe that you’ll be of the same opinion, that it was too late to do anything about it.
It was a sunny evening and mum and dad were going out. "


I think it would have read easier as:

"Early in the evening, and the sun had not yet set, mom and dad went out. I did not know, what was in store for me. This is not a fabrication, I had no knowledge of what was too take place, until it was over and it was too late. After you hear my story, you will agree, life is stranger than fiction."

[Muhammad]

Generally, I thought the story was quite well written Masha'Allaah.

To improve it, I think you could take out the first paragraph and go straight into the story from, "It was a sunny evening and mum and dad were going out", or you can use Woodrow's suggestion above. I actually thought that was where the story started from until I read Woodrow's post!

As for the storyline, I think everything is good until we get to the part about the beast... as suggested above, it would be better if it was more believable.

Wassalaamu Alaykum.

[skatteress]

As for the storyline, I think everything is good until we get to the part about the beast... as suggested above, it would be better if it was more believable.

Jazakallah for all the comments.. well... erm.. it was not supposed to be a believable story. my teacher gave me the characters and the setting and i had to make a horror (fiction) story out of it..

[cat eyes]

Jazakallah for all the comments.. well... erm.. it was not supposed to be a believable story. my teacher gave me the characters and the setting and i had to make a horror (fiction) story out of it..

well what makes people watch movie's or read books? fiction has to be believable too. the story over all was something that a child would write to be honest

[Dagless]

well what makes people watch movie's or read books? fiction has to be believable too. the story over all was something that a child would write to be honest

That wasn't a very nice thing to say, besides which, since she is at school I assume she is a child

Btw I thought it was ok too. Maybe more character development and less gore? I read it all though, and I don't do that with a lot of the posts on here lol.

[skatteress]

That wasn't a very nice thing to say, besides which, since she is at school I assume she is a child

yup .. iam still in school.. N still a child

[skatteress]

and by the way. my story is not getting marked acorrding to " how interstesting it is".. it about grammer. spelling and punctuation
and anyway englsih is not my Fav subject as it is