By Sahar Kassaimah

Writer, Journalist - USA

Have you ever gotten tired of shouting, threatening and warning your children?

Have you ever felt annoyed at how much time you have to spend arguing with them?
Most parents have, at one time or another. Sometimes, we feel that all we ever do is punish. We blame ourselves for getting angry, and for not knowing what to do. However, we need to realize that often, we are a part of the problem. The ways in which we react to our children's behavior can actually serve to increase misbehavior in the future.

It is normal for young children to sometimes misbehave - after all, they are children; therefore, it is the parents' role to discipline them in a way that would actually serve to decrease future outbursts. Although it is not easy to raise a well-behaved child, children learn how to behave in exactly the same ways as they have learnt how to misbehave.

A Process of Learning

Before we talk about how to discipline our children, we need first to address the meaning of the disciplinary process. Disciplining our children is a teaching process, and not just one of punishment. Disciplining does not mean controlling our children's behavior, nor does it mean spending the day chasing them around the house in order to force them to behave themselves. The most important purpose of the process is to teach children how to make better decisions, better choices about their behavior, how to be responsible, and how to choose to behave.

"The purpose of discipline is teaching children to be cooperative. Begin emphasizing cooperation and responsible decision making at an early age. Have faith in your child's willingness to cooperate. Children are either in control or under control. Discipline means teaching the children to control themselves. If you want your children to be responsible decision makers, you must teach them self-control. If you force control, they do not learn to master being in control; they do not develop self-control skills and habits, and as a result, they are out of control." - Sal Severe

Therefore, even when we punish our children, we need to choose the forms of punishments that actually teach them. We need to control our reactions, and to think about which punishment would actually serve to curtail misbehavior. Punishing them in a state of anger will only succeed in curbing the misbehavior in the short-term.

It is also important for parents to be strict when they discipline. Psychologists confirm that parents must be consistent, because children need to learn that when mom and dad say something, they mean what they say, even if it means some temporary unpleasantness. Threatening children, but not following through with any form of discipline can actually be detrimental. Why should they listen to our threats, if they believe that we just talk without taking any actions?

Our children, even the youngest of them are much smarter than we think. Despite their innocence and young age, they know how to test us, and how to take advantage of our love and kindness. From our reaction, they learn how to behave. Therefore, we need to learn how to get them to listen the first time we ask them to do something. We need to learn how to correct them without arguments and how to use punishments that teach, rather than hurt, them.



"Too many parents have the false belief that if they love their children as much as possible, their misbehavior will improve some day. Love, warmth, and affection are essential. They are fundamentals. But you also need knowledge". - Sal Severe


Furthermore, children are smart enough to know when we are serious and when we are not; when we mean what we say and when we do not; and when we are ready to punish them and when we are not. Therefore, they know how to choose the right time to misbehave. Sometimes, we care about what people will say about our children's behavior, especially when we are in public. Therefore, we do not feel comfortable disciplining them or punishing them when people can see. Thus they realize that they can misbehave in public without consequence.

Nevertheless, if parents would just forget about the public and pay more attention to disciplining their children, then the children will understand that they will be punished if they do not follow the rules. No matter where or when.

Do not hesitate say "No" when needed.
And when you say "No," you have to stick to it.
If a child forces you to say "Yes" by crying or screaming, he / she will learn that this is the way to control you and force you into realizing their wishes. But, if you are strict, you will teach them that when you say "No," it means "No," even if they cry or scream in public. Thus, you will be doing them a favor by teaching them how to behave properly.

Sources:

Sal Severe, PhD. "How to Behave, So Your Children Will, Too!" Viking Press. 2000.