how could you tell?

**Ummu Sufyaan** · 08-04-2009

when you are in talks with someone for marriage how can you tell that they are not saying things just becuase you are thier potential and they know you want to hear it---> as opposed to them being honest

i know there has to be a certain level of trust already present, but some people can be really hokey. so how do you avoid it?

**Thinker** · 08-04-2009

Take every thing they say with a ‘pinch of salt’, focus on what they have done and what they will do and ‘don’t judge a book by its cover.’ (Sorry about the use of two idioms in one sentence but using them enabled me to make the point succinctly).

**nebula** · 08-04-2009

i think u gotta ask them questions and then see what their family say aswell, check to see what there family says contradicts with what they said about them selfs. do some research on em, look them up on wikipedia :P

**aadil77** · 08-04-2009

If theres something thats sounds fishy, get him to go into more detail check his expressions nd see if he's confident in answerin.

**S_87** · 08-04-2009

you cant really tell tbh. you can do all the checks etc but until you actually live with a person as his wife u wont be able to know if u are truly compatible...for example you might both have the same 'answers' but that doesnt mean that you are compatible for actually living..its all in qadr and putting trust and fearing Allah.

**ducki** · 08-04-2009

take everything with a pinch of salt! but u cant really tell.. so jst put trust in Allah!

**Clover** · 08-04-2009

I have never talked with someone about marriage, I don't want to get married till I am at least 23, maybe a year or two older, after I have had a college education, served in a tour, and experienced a lot.

**The Ruler** · 08-04-2009

Originally Posted by Umm ul-Shaheed

when you are in talks with someone for marriage how can you tell that they are not saying things just becuase you are thier potential and they know you want to hear it---> as opposed to them being honest

When everything they say is too perfect and revised.

**Cabdullahi** · 08-04-2009

short answer you can't.....

although you might catch out a few...some of them are good actors thats when asking allah for guidance comes in through istikhara....

**abu_musab461** · 08-04-2009

The best advice i can give is speak to his family- sisters and brother and parents and find out how he treats them- because after a couple years if marriage you will become family to him and he will treat you the same way he treats his brothers and sisters.

Allah Knows Best

**crayon** · 08-04-2009

My mindset is quite different from the people of where I'm from, so this is what I'm going to do inshaAllah- ask conventional questions with unconventional answers. For example, ask 'what is the most important thing in your life?'. He'd most likely say 'my family, or mother, or job, or wife, etc." and think 'oh yeah, i totally owned that question'. Whatever it is he thinks you want to hear. When what you (I) really want to hear is 'islam, or 'pleasing Allah', 'following in the footsteps of the prophet muhammad peace be upon him'" etc. (of course, the answer we should get is the second one ideally, but we are far from perfection)

I guess this sort of thing has limitations, though, because sometimes the answer you want is conventional. But yeah, that's one thing I'd try doing.

Try to read their body language. Ask about them, observe their actions, to see if they agree with their words, or whether they talk the talk but don't walk the walk. Like thinker said, take everything with a pinch of salt. And ultimately, trust in Allah, that whatever is meant to happen will happen.

**Cabdullahi** · 08-05-2009

i think in an awkward situation as it is, the person will be feeling awkwardness...when asked the question ''what is the most important thing in your life?'' the answer will not be the right one although saying the correct one should be straightforward

its abit like asking the question ''what will you want to achieve next inshallah''?

the person might answer ''i would like to finish my studies'' or if their not academic at all they might reply ''i would like to participate in a football tournament''

at both answers you'd be saying to your self in soliloquy ''what a dumbo! he should of said performing hajj or atleast say he's waiting for asr to go pray and accomplish that salat'

a good question alone wont help to find the truth a host of other things alongside it, could
just like one of the sisters above stated

**crayon** · 08-05-2009

^Hmm, that actually makes a lot of sense, you're right. I agree with you. I guess that isn't such a great way to figure a person out after all.

**Cabdullahi** · 08-05-2009

i think those kind of questions are good...certainly better than ''would you change diapers or do you smoke''

questions work best when you don't ask them..give a list of questions to a close relative of the person and tell them to ask the soon to be wife/husband

the answers would be true or near truth because their comfortable,relaxed and its their cousin,uncle or aunty posing the questions

i know nothing allah knows

**جوري** · 08-05-2009

you can't.. there are lots of duds out there (I imagine goes both ways) just reflecting on some of the marriages in my extended family.. truly a horrible spouse can spell misery .. even with solid background checks.. also people tend to be always on their best behavior when engaged and then let loose their true colors... I suggest salat istikhara from the heart and honestly I'd stick with a truly religious guy not one so on holidays only.. those who are truly God fearing
1- will never judge you but properly advise you
2- Have to have good manners as mandated by Islam
3- Have to uphold their religious duties financially, morally, socially etc...
still not a guranatee but it is a good baseline.. I'd make sure in the least that he prays.. I don't want to reveal the sins of some of my cousins... but I come from a predominantly male family.. each of my uncles and aunts have 3 or 4 boys each.. and a handful of them are truly devout... the rest used to drink, sleep around and still desired a virgin in their bed.. I must tell you, their path hasn't been easy, because they were deceptive, they were often found out...

Good luck with all of that insha'Allah....

**Ummu Sufyaan** · 08-05-2009

Originally Posted by nebula

i think u gotta ask them questions and then see what their family say aswell, check to see what there family says contradicts with what they said about them selfs. do some research on em, look them up on wikipedia :P

but cant family (being thier family) just make up porkies about them to make them look good?

Originally Posted by crayon

^Hmm, that actually makes a lot of sense, you're right. I agree with you. I guess that isn't such a great way to figure a person out after all.

i kinda agree with your method. BUT at the same time, i'll make sure that i ask my questions so that they only have one answer to them, no matter what...so i guess being a little sly may be the key lol
eg if i wanted his fav colour to be blue (as i said just an example lol) i wouldn't say "is ur fav colour blue" i would ask "what's ur fav colour?" becuase that way...well i dno people can say anything and a "yes/no" isnt being very clear....yh kinda like what u were saying...

Originally Posted by Gossamer skye

you can't.. there are lots of duds out there (I imagine goes both ways) just reflecting on some of the marriages in my extended family..

same. if it's anything that puts me off marriage, is witnessing what people b4 me have gone through

barakallahu feeki. =)