Family Problems

[ImanGlow]

Aslam Alaikoum brothers and sisters,

This is my first time posting anything on this thread. I just made an account because I'm in desperate need of help. Recently, my house has turned into a place of uncomfort due to my dad's anger. He is constantly yelling, and my siblings and I never talk back at him. It's affecting all of us, and especially my mother. He yells at her and blames her for many silly problems that are his fault. He has never physically hurt her, but words hurt deeper in my opinion. Just two days ago, she broke down and cried in front of my sisters and I. It hurts so much to see my mother cry because then it just becomes obvious that no one is comfortable in this house.
I feel as if we all walk on egg-shells around the house. He puts down my brother who works 16 hours for him daily. He's constantly yelling about money and his fair share when we have enough money to keep going Alhamudillah. My mom always tells him that life isnt about money, and we will take none of it with us in the afterlife. When he blames something on me and his temper rises, he threatens me by saying that he'll make me quit school. He only says such things when he's so angry. What hurts me the most is when he yells at my mom. He yells at her when dinner isn't ready, or because his dinner isn't in a specific container. Sooo many silly things!!! My mom is such a wise, obedient mother. She talks to him when he's not angry to express her feelings, and he'll be nice and calm for about a half a day, then a work problem will occur, and he'll take it out on her and the family.

Honestly, I just feel like we've all had enough. Especially now that it's ramadan...it's the month of ibada and he's taking it lightly. He only prays the required salat...and sometimes skips maybe one. He doesn't really keep up with it after Ramadan. My mom and my sisters always try to have a calm day and read Quran, but he just ruins everything with his yelling. I know the only way for him to get better is if he gets closer to Allah, and I always make duaa to Allah to make that happen. We don't know what to do? My brother always comes home after work feeling tired, only to have my dad start yelling at him again. We wake up and sleep to him yelling.

Should we confront him? I know he loves us very much, but he can't have a conversation with us. I really want to have a family meeting...but he'll yell because he'll think that we consider him crazy. I don't know what to do. It's just really hard, and I've cried myself to sleep many times hoping for the better. He just doesn't understand the definition of family. It's all about happiness, and comfort. He thinks as long as we have food, a house, and money...that we'll be fine. He neglects and avoids anything emotional. He doesn't think he hurts anyone. Whenever he travels overseas for 2 months or so, it's sad to see how comfortable everyone is in the house without him. We all get along, and my mom leads the house better than he does.

Anyway, it feels good to write about this, but it makes me sad to think that this problem might never be fixed....my dad has anger problems.

[greenhill]

Salaam sis,

This is something very hard to advise on. Every family is unique and the combination of people that make up the family unit affects the atmosphere differently. Family problems are very personal matters and outsiders like us are really not in the position to advise except to be patient and make lots of dua.

As a dad myself I also have been unreasonable and at times impatient. Mostly caused by difficulties at work that follows me home. If it the same for your dad, let's pray it gets better for him. I'm sure he is feeling it too.

[ardianto]

Waalaikumsalam, niece.

I'm sorry to hear about your father. I'm a father too, 46 years old with two sons, but my wife passed away last month.

I notice your father behavior through your post, and seem like he is in depression that make him keep an anger in his heart and often angry even for small thing. He feel he is under pressure.

I have a question that maybe inappropriate. How is your father financial condition?. Does he have job with stable and good enough income?. Or his income is unstable?.

I ask it because I notice that he is constantly yelling about money, and he thinks as long as he could provide food, house, money, everything will be fine.

There are men who grew up with expectation from people among them to become success in financial matter (rich). But later if his success is not as high as the expectation, he will feel failed as a man. It can make him feel depressed and always want to angry.

But this is just one of a numbers of possibilities.

Should you confront him?. No!. As you have described it will make him feel like you see him as a man with mental disorder. It will make him angry.

What you should do is make him realize that he is a father who has family who love him. Always show your love and attention to your father, although maybe it’s hard for you to do it. But you love your father, don’t you?.

Don’t regard him as a trouble that will make the home comfortable only when he is not at home. But try to realize that he just a man who need love and special attention from his family. Try to do some little things that make him realize that he has family who care to him. In example, make cookies, and when he is not in anger, give it to him with smile.

And how your family perform salah?. In jama’ah with your father or everyone perform alone?. Salah jama’ah with family is very good to build and maintain the family togetherness. Request your father to lead salah, and after finish salah, your mother, your sibling and you kiss his hand.

Always remember that he is your father. Do not ever hate him.