I am a female, educated women, I am starting Law school soon. When I was 14 I was a survivor of a rape, I thankfully fought until I broke free and I still am a virgin. However, since than I wasn't the same, I lost faith for a long time. When I was 18 I met a man, I cared for him, he made me believe he was going to marry me. after two years of a promise, he broke me mentally, manipulated me, and and I sinned, I don't want to do into details. Anyways after months he left me via text message. I was heart broken. He explained his family wants him to marry a Yemeni and not me anymore... I was hurt, devastated from what I did... I lost hope, and sadly lost faith... I fell into the hands of 3 men.... but it didn't lead to anything. I am still ashamed and have been since than. I have sincerely repented everyday. .There is not a day where I ask Allah to forgive me. This all happened in the years of 2007 to 2009, I was not very religious than... I know the reason this all happened with me sinning was because of the rape. I know it is because I lost my self esteem and did not seek consoling that when a man l cared for me, I was happy and vulnerable. I know that is wrong, but I went through something hard, and didn't seek help. I am change and have learned from my mistakes BIG TIME.
Today, I am changed. I have repented. I learned to pray, I am in Law school, I am and always have been a sweet and kind heart girl, I don't hurt anyone even the people who hurt me. I cry every day because of my mistakes. Recently, I know a man who is asking for my hand whom I care dearly for... I know he was in a relationship before but it didn't work out.. I care so much about him, I wouldn't let anyone or anything hurt him. I truly love him for the sake of Allah. But I am scared because I don't know if I am a bad girl for him?!
If you (a muslim man) knew about this would you marry me? Would you forget the past and see I am sincere to my religion and love Allah so much and repent? I really need help healing, because everyday I wake up and sleep to this thought of him walking alway because of my hardship past... I am so scared I won't ever be happy! I am so scared I will never find a good muslim man to marry me... and most of all I want to marry him, he is the one I care for and see as the father of my children. I need help knowing I will be forgiven for my actions knowing I am remorseful to the point I am killing myself with regret and tears. IstarferAllah. <br><br>To add, I did sin but I remain a virgin. <br><br>Help em know I am still a good Muslim women, help me see the truth! Please tell me if you knew me would you marry one like me or walk away?
Salaam Brothers and sisters, Regarding cooking! I love cooking so my husband will be happy I love to feed him. It is my opinion that it should be equal work, I will be a working women as will the man I marry being a working man. When marriage comes, and I come home from work; I will plan on resting for 15 minutes and starting on the dinner... but when husband comes home I would prefer him helping in a bit... not with the whole dinner, just being understand! And I am sure many good Muslime men, will help! Just like money, I won't be careless to my husbands money, and ask for a bunch of nonsense stuff... The marriage I want is caring for eachother and seeing each others need. When I need help he will help as much as he can, when he needs help I will be there doing my best! In the end, both man and women need food so hey why not feed your family- man or women. My father cooks when my mom is tried.
Just as every saint has a past, every sinner has a future. Allah is the most forgiving, and if you have repented - then ask him to hide your sins from others.
With regard to your future husband, I speak from experience when I say "don't go into any details" he will probably despise you for it. And anyway, why make your past a burden for him? Always talk about the future and put the past down to experience you've no memory of, for nothing really happened - right?
In response to your question, I'd marry you - no problem, but I am engaged LOL so it's easy for me to say...
...but know this, I am planning to marry a divorcee who has a child, and I have never been married before... good men do exist. Insha-Allah it will work out for you.
Scimitar
Salaam Wa Alaikum Brother Scimiter,
Jazak Allah Khair for your kind words. May Allah bless your marriage very much. Your a good muslim man, Mash'Allah. I sure hope he wouldn't despise me for my past mistakes as I am no where near a bad person. I pray to Allah to keep my mistakes in the past, and inshallah remian on the healing path. Thank you for your encouragement brother!
I don't think you should tell him though just incase because some me let it affect them, they can't take it that their wife has been with other men etc even though it was in the past when she was ignorant it still affects them so I don't think you should tell him unless you have to??
Salaam Brother, Jazak Allah Khair for your time and help. As for you question, I don't have to tell him... I just don't want secrets between my husband and I. But I understand now that I should repent and understand humans are weak and make mistakes and now I have to move on... as it has been a good three years of all this hurt and tears... I need to move on, and heal and Mash'Allah this forum is helping soooo much
Salaam Brothers and sisters, Regarding cooking! I love cooking so my husband will be happy I love to feed him. It is my opinion that it should be equal work, I will be a working women as will the man I marry being a working man. When marriage comes, and I come home from work; I will plan on resting for 15 minutes and starting on the dinner... but when husband comes home I would prefer him helping in a bit... not with the whole dinner, just being understand! And I am sure many good Muslime men, will help! Just like money, I won't be careless to my husbands money, and ask for a bunch of nonsense stuff... The marriage I want is caring for eachother and seeing each others need. When I need help he will help as much as he can, when he needs help I will be there doing my best! In the end, both man and women need food so hey why not feed your family- man or women. My father cooks when my mom is tried.
Hey, that works for me. You like to cook, I like to eat.
Actually I do a fair bit of cooking myself, when I am in the mood. Normally on weekends because after working all day, I often don't feel like cooking. The best part about cooking is naturally, the eating at the end part.
Anyway, I hope that what we have said here lightens your load a bit, so to speak.
Don't tell anyone what happened. Learn from your past you know better now. No one needs to know what happened. Most men are very jealous even though you didn't lose your virginity they can still lose respect for you in a snap. So let this stay with you, free yourself from this burden. Accept it repent and remember that Allah loves those who come back to him and repent. Human beings can be so cruel, don't look for their acceptance and respect seek it from your lord. May Allah purify you and protect you always ameen.
Learn Patience from Asiyah, Loyalty from Khadijah, Sincerity from Aisha and Steadfastness from Fatima.
Don't tell anyone what happened. Learn from your past you know better now. No one needs to know what happened. Most men are very jealous even though you didn't lose your virginity they can still lose respect for you in a snap. So let this stay with you, free yourself from this burden. Accept it repent and remember that Allah loves those who come back to him and repent. Human beings can be so cruel, don't look for their acceptance and respect seek it from your lord. May Allah purify you and protect you always ameen.
Salaam Yanoorah, Thank you for your feed back... But that is why I am feeling so horrible. Because only Allah knows how much I have gone through and only Allah know how much sorrowed I am to my actions. It really tears me up that a man would leave me because of something I am sincerely sorry and repent for. It breaks my heart and make me want to cry because I am a good person... I would never in my mind even hurt my future husband... especially if he see's the real me, not the fact that I wasn't as strong before, nor was I as religious. I am sorry for that too... I can't help what I was feeling than, I didn't really fear, I just felt unworthy.
I just don't see how could they get jealous if I know and promise to never hurt and always be by my husbands side and never let him fall or hurt...
I especally could never see how a man, A GOOD MAN could lose respect for me because I was a teenager, more so I was a lost teenager struggling with depression, and trama.
Brothers and sister you have helped me alot... I guess I am still a bit confused! Jazak Allah Khair!
format_quote Originally Posted by Vision
Leave the past as it is, dead and buried and move on. Simple as that really
Jazak Allah Khair Brother.. I am trying, Inshallah I iwll soon!
Allah bless you!
Hey, that works for me. You like to cook, I like to eat.
Actually I do a fair bit of cooking myself, when I am in the mood. Normally on weekends because after working all day, I often don't feel like cooking. The best part about cooking is naturally, the eating at the end part.
Anyway, I hope that what we have said here lightens your load a bit, so to speak.
Haha food is always yummy when it is satisfying your hunger! Alhamduillah
This has helped me a lot, really. I don't think I would be as I am now if I didn't join this site! But as you can see I have some more questions, on the post I posted just before this one. But Inshallah I keep praying.
JazakAllah Khair
format_quote Originally Posted by Futuwwa
Yes, I would
Few things are as beautiful as repentance, and in that regard you are exceptionally beautiful. If your husband-to-be rejects you, then his is the loss
Jazak Allah Khair Brother Futuwwa... Thank you for your kind words. And may Allah bless you always!
It just hurts to think any man would judge me based on my past, especially knowing I am so sorrowed and repent.. It just bugs my mind and scares me. As you can see on the other post on the reply to Yanoorah, I just am confused to why a man, a GOOD MAN, would leave and loose respect for me based on just a bad mistake that I am sincerly sorrow for... just aches my heart!
Allah bless you~ Thank you dearly!
Salaam Brothers and sisters, Regarding cooking! I love cooking so my husband will be happy I love to feed him. It is my opinion that it should be equal work, I will be a working women as will the man I marry being a working man. When marriage comes, and I come home from work; I will plan on resting for 15 minutes and starting on the dinner... but when husband comes home I would prefer him helping in a bit... not with the whole dinner, just being understand! And I am sure many good Muslime men, will help! Just like money, I won't be careless to my husbands money, and ask for a bunch of nonsense stuff... The marriage I want is caring for eachother and seeing each others need. When I need help he will help as much as he can, when he needs help I will be there doing my best! In the end, both man and women need food so hey why not feed your family- man or women. My father cooks when my mom is tried.
My wonderful wife suffers from severe clinical depression, post traumatic stress syndrome, agoraphobia and panic/anxiety disorder. she has 7 vertebrae out of alignment on her back and has kidney trouble and is very anemic. i do the cooking and the dishes, the shopping and most of the cleaning after working 10 to 11 hours a day. she just got out of a very bad domestic violence situation. she had tried to escape the dv situation 3 years ago when she went to live with an old girlfriend. the friend ended up try to sexually abuse her and this brought back her ptsd worse than ever.
counseling, more specifically a Wellness Recovery and Action Plan group saved her life. she mentioned an interest in art journalism and i bought all the materials that she would need. withing 2 months she was asked to begin teaching a class and her artistic skills have really begun to improve. while teaching her class, she also teaches what she learned in WRAP. her students adore her and she really helps. she is saving lives. she is amazing!
we work together! the clinic where she teaches provides very little funding so we donate the supplies. she is turning tragedy into hope, by Allah's Help. i laugh when she worries about all the work that i do around the house. i just tell that if Allah accepts my sadaqah and blesses her efforts then i'm making out like a bandit!
and just the other day, i was trying to take a nap. i heard a racket in the kitchen. it took 3 hours, but she cooked an entire meal for the first time in 10 years! i was moved and totally impressed at her gargantuan effort. i was a chef, cooking is simple for me. i don't know how her back held out. it was shear desire on her part. we are each totally convinced the Allah has not only arranged for us to be together, but in doing so He has Personally answered our most personal and secret prayers to the that ONE person we each so desperately needed in our lives. and He has answered those prayers beyond our wildest dreams, Alhamdulillah!
treating your wife like a Royal Gift from Allah has only Blessed our lives. Muslim men should try it!
Had the non-believer known of all the Mercy which is in the Hands of Allah, he would not lose hope of entering Paradise, and had the believer known of all the punishment which is present with Allah, he would not consider himself safe from the Hell-Fire http://www.muftimenk.co.za/Downloads.html
Sister FlowerGarden, try not too overthink as its not good for the mind. May Allah Azzawajal make things easy for you and every single Muslim on this entire universe. Ameen
Last edited by IslamicRevival; 08-17-2011 at 02:27 AM.
My wonderful wife suffers from severe clinical depression, post traumatic stress syndrome, agoraphobia and panic/anxiety disorder. she has 7 vertebrae out of alignment on her back and has kidney trouble and is very anemic. i do the cooking and the dishes, the shopping and most of the cleaning after working 10 to 11 hours a day. she just got out of a very bad domestic violence situation. she had tried to escape the dv situation 3 years ago when she went to live with an old girlfriend. the friend ended up try to sexually abuse her and this brought back her ptsd worse than ever.
counseling, more specifically a Wellness Recovery and Action Plan group saved her life. she mentioned an interest in art journalism and i bought all the materials that she would need. withing 2 months she was asked to begin teaching a class and her artistic skills have really begun to improve. while teaching her class, she also teaches what she learned in WRAP. her students adore her and she really helps. she is saving lives. she is amazing!
we work together! the clinic where she teaches provides very little funding so we donate the supplies. she is turning tragedy into hope, by Allah's Help. i laugh when she worries about all the work that i do around the house. i just tell that if Allah accepts my sadaqah and blesses her efforts then i'm making out like a bandit!
and just the other day, i was trying to take a nap. i heard a racket in the kitchen. it took 3 hours, but she cooked an entire meal for the first time in 10 years! i was moved and totally impressed at her gargantuan effort. i was a chef, cooking is simple for me. i don't know how her back held out. it was shear desire on her part. we are each totally convinced the Allah has not only arranged for us to be together, but in doing so He has Personally answered our most personal and secret prayers to the that ONE person we each so desperately needed in our lives. and He has answered those prayers beyond our wildest dreams, Alhamdulillah!
treating your wife like a Royal Gift from Allah has only Blessed our lives. Muslim men should try it!
yusuf
Salaam Wa Alaikum Brother Yousef,
Truly an inspiring post! Thank you for sharing. She gives me hope, especially realizing maybe I need some consoling, but I am afraid to actually go through with it. She is a wonderful women and it seems like I can truly benefit from keeping her in my mind.... Always remembering such a strong spirit. SubhanAllah!
Allah always bless you and you're family, and always give you the best!
I believe you two were made for each other. Allah broight you together, Alhamduillah to always keep your head high and to catch each other before falling. I wanted to help young girls who were raped, it is just hard to get grants... I hope one day to be someone like you wife, an amazing women!
Allah bless her and you in the best ways! May Allah always keep you in good health and full of bliss and bless all your prayers! Ameen!
Brother, I don't know you very well, but your my friend... and I keep you and your family in my prayers
Subhanallah what a wonderful story Brother Yusuf, you are an example of a good Muslim man and contented.
My husband always looks forward for my cook, but I am lazy and afraid coz I am not good in this... perhaps I need serious inspiration, I dont know how but I pray to Allah that one day I can cook for him too, I know it is very important eventhough he doesnt mind I cant cook.
The HIGHEST accomplishment I can achieve in this worldly life is to be a TRUE MUSLIM. (me)
Salaam Wa Alaikum Brother Yousef,
Truly an inspiring post! Thank you for sharing. She gives me hope, especially realizing maybe I need some consoling, but I am afraid to actually go through with it. She is a wonderful women and it seems like I can truly benefit from keeping her in my mind.... Always remembering such a strong spirit. SubhanAllah!
Allah always bless you and you're family, and always give you the best!
I believe you two were made for each other. Allah broight you together, Alhamduillah to always keep your head high and to catch each other before falling. I wanted to help young girls who were raped, it is just hard to get grants... I hope one day to be someone like you wife, an amazing women!
Allah bless her and you in the best ways! May Allah always keep you in good health and full of bliss and bless all your prayers! Ameen!
Brother, I don't know you very well, but your my friend... and I keep you and your family in my prayers
it was the WRAP group that saved my wife. like most Muslims, i kind of "poo-poo"ed the idea thinking all that you need is Qur'an. the WRAP was the most gut-wrenching course she ever took. she had to face everything, and she had alot of obstacles: raped at 14, date-raped at 16, her mom fed her hash brownies at 3, despite being a straight A student, her mom belittled her extensively. she was in so much emotional pain that she dabbled in heroin. just when she finally found her "soulmate" an unfortunate series of events led to her "temporarily" leaving him. she never saw him again, she learned a few years ago that he died within a month and she blames herself. she came as close to recovery as she could and then ended up in that awful DV situation. the trauma of the "old girlfriend" situation brought back her PTSD worse than before, so she settled for the DV situation as better than nothing. she has survived a suicide attempt and loves herself at least enough where she won't do that again [she was actually saved by a miracle from Allah, and she now knows this.]
i have seen her put the WRAP into use in our relationship. just after she cooked, she explained some of it's concepts and i then realized that she was using what she learned with me. because of her hyper-sensitivity, i can accidentally "trigger" her depression or even her PTSD. you can witness her "nose-dive" and it is heartbreaking to see. i'll be horrified and in anguish and 15 minutes later, SHE is trying to make me laugh! she told me, "no matter what you do, your forgiven the instant you do it [even if i DID something stupid-and i have], just give me a few moments to recover, that's all i need." last night i said something she misunderstood and she was very hurt. we talked about it and she understood. and 10 minutes later she did something that made me laugh so hard my stomach hurt for hours.
from her point of view, she can do it because of me. i DO try to make her happy and Allah allows me unbridled success in this area, and i adore her. YET she thinks that SHE is the one who is Blessed because she IS so happy and she feels more loved than ever before. she actually says that she feels Allah kept her "perfect plan" suicide from working so that she would be alive to meet me. i survived a heart attack and congestive heart-failure and pretty much feel the same way. my ex-wife left me last year, told me when i was nearly dead, that she wasn't coming back from her visit to Yemen. THAT story was one of the things that bonded my wife's heart to mine [i used to drive her to some of her classes]. we BOTH see Allah's design in our marriage.
had she either not taken her courses or not explained her past, many of our "incidents" could have ended any "normal" relationships. it is BECAUSE of those courses that she can be so effective helping others. yes, Muslims will tell you [sincerely] that you don't "need' help. the truth is that NONE OF US know what you need. we CAN'T know how what happened to you affected you. you have to work this out yourself, BUT if you get help, then you can help others,
my wife just finished a PEER counseling course. now imagine some poor distraught woman has listened to my wife teaching. they are awestruck, my wife is very beautiful and the women imagine her to be a professional counselor. when they one on one, she tells them some of the things from her past and they are dumbstruck! my wife shows them pictures of herself from 3 years ago and she looked like a different person. the hope that they get when she tells them that they have the power to be just like her is unbelievable! she is truculently working on a project to help people when the meet that moment of despair and they'll either use drugs or commit suicide or allow their abusive mates to kill them. just last Sunday she asked that if one of those women were at a breaking point, could we go and rescue them.
from her point of view, "as a Muslim, would you refuse a doctors help if you were sick? wouldn't you be denying the help that Allah has provided for you? the WHY oh WHY would you deny someone "mental" first aid or assistance?'
DANG GOOD QUESTION!
i leave you that as food for though.
Yusuf
Had the non-believer known of all the Mercy which is in the Hands of Allah, he would not lose hope of entering Paradise, and had the believer known of all the punishment which is present with Allah, he would not consider himself safe from the Hell-Fire http://www.muftimenk.co.za/Downloads.html
Sister flowergarden, I hope that what I am about to say does not offend you or anyone else.
I've long thought that things happen for a reason. There is a reason that you went through what you did, sister flowergarden, and I think I see it. You said yourself that you want to help out other sisters who have been through what you went through. Because of your past, you have a unique perspective, and the ability to help them out like no one else can.
I think that your experience, while tragic, has made you a better and stronger person today, and I admire you for your strength. You want to use the tragedy of your past to help the futures of others, and that is a great quality to have. Things happen for a reason, and I think that is the reason. Allah works in mysterious ways, and the universe tends to unfold as it should.
Your tragedy can lead to someone else's triumph, so don't discount yourself, sister. There is strength in you.
a man not wanting to marry u coz of ur past isnt worthy of u ya ukht. everyone has a past, and everyone makes mistakes (may Allah forgive and guide us) what matters and what is important is tawbah and change. may Allah grant and ease whats khayr for u and may Allah accept ur tawbah, keep u guided and steadfast upon the deen ameeeen
as already stated , u dont' have to tell anyone about ur sins.
Just keep asking Allah to forgives and hides ur sins.If possible , get married to avoid more mistakes.
Anas ibn Malik (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said:
“All the children of Adam are wrongdoers, and the best of the wrongdoers are those who repent.” (Sunan Tirmidhi)
It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah said: I heard the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say:
“All of my ummah may be forgiven except those who commit sin openly.
It is a kind of committing sin openly if a man does something at night, then morning comes and Allaah has concealed his sin, but he says, ‘O So and so, I did such and such last night,’ when his Lord has concealed him (his action) all night but in the morning he reveals that which Allaah had concealed for him.”
Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5721; Muslim, 2990
Last edited by Muslim Woman; 08-19-2011 at 02:58 AM.
Christ will never be proud to reject to be a slave to God .....holy Quran, chapter Women , 4: 172
from her point of view, "as a Muslim, would you refuse a doctors help if you were sick? wouldn't you be denying the help that Allah has provided for you? the WHY oh WHY would you deny someone "mental" first aid or assistance?'
DANG GOOD QUESTION!
i leave you that as food for though.
Salaam Brother, I actually do want to really think and post a nice reply to your response, as it really was nice.... It too late over here but I will get back to you brother! Thank you!
format_quote Originally Posted by King of Nines
Sister flowergarden, I hope that what I am about to say does not offend you or anyone else.
I've long thought that things happen for a reason. There is a reason that you went through what you did, sister flowergarden, and I think I see it. You said yourself that you want to help out other sisters who have been through what you went through. Because of your past, you have a unique perspective, and the ability to help them out like no one else can.
I think that your experience, while tragic, has made you a better and stronger person today, and I admire you for your strength. You want to use the tragedy of your past to help the futures of others, and that is a great quality to have. Things happen for a reason, and I think that is the reason. Allah works in mysterious ways, and the universe tends to unfold as it should.
Your tragedy can lead to someone else's triumph, so don't discount yourself, sister. There is strength in you.
Jazak Allah khair Brother for your kind word, they humbled me... I just wish it was easy to forget my mistakes... And I want to help myself before I help others... It is my goal to be a lawyer and help others, rather man or a woman. So InshAllah. I am almost a lawyer, now time to start helping the victims.
I just discount myself in the fact that I made mistakes that break my heart... I am slowly moving on with the help of all these brothers and Sisters Alhamdullah, but I just hope I see the good in me that others see! I truly thank you from the bottom of my heart for you taking the time to help me! Allah bless you always.
Allah bless everyone!
format_quote Originally Posted by al Amaanah
a man not wanting to marry u coz of ur past isnt worthy of u ya ukht. everyone has a past, and everyone makes mistakes (may Allah forgive and guide us) what matters and what is important is tawbah and change. may Allah grant and ease whats khayr for u and may Allah accept ur tawbah, keep u guided and steadfast upon the deen ameeeen
Allah bless you! Jakzak Allah Khair for you time and help! I appreciate it... May Allah ways grant you health, happiness and bless your prayers! Ameen!
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.There is not a day where I ask Allah to forgive me. This all happened in the years of 2007 to 2009, I was not very religious than... I know the reason this all happened with me sinning was because of the rape. I know it is because I lost my self esteem and did not seek consoling that when a man l cared for me, I was happy and vulnerable. I know that is wrong, but I went through something hard, and didn't seek help. I am change and have learned from my mistakes BIG TIME.
It is my opinion that it should be equal work, I will be a working women as will the man I marry being a working man. When marriage comes, and I come home from work; I will plan on resting for 15 minutes and starting on the dinner... but when husband comes home I would prefer him helping in a bit... not with the whole dinner, just being understand! And I am sure many good Muslime men, will help! Just like money, I won't be careless to my husbands money, and ask for a bunch of nonsense stuff... The marriage I want is caring for eachother and seeing each others need. When I need help he will help as much as he can, when he needs help I will be there doing my best! In the end, both man and women need food so hey why not feed your family- man or women. My father cooks when my mom is tried.
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