Would You marry a muslimah such as.....

**flowergarden** · 08-13-2011

Salaam Wa alikium:

I am a female, educated women, I am starting Law school soon. When I was 14 I was a survivor of a rape, I thankfully fought until I broke free and I still am a virgin. However, since than I wasn't the same, I lost faith for a long time. When I was 18 I met a man, I cared for him, he made me believe he was going to marry me. after two years of a promise, he broke me mentally, manipulated me, and and I sinned, I don't want to do into details. Anyways after months he left me via text message. I was heart broken. He explained his family wants him to marry a Yemeni and not me anymore... I was hurt, devastated from what I did... I lost hope, and sadly lost faith... I fell into the hands of 3 men.... but it didn't lead to anything. I am still ashamed and have been since than. I have sincerely repented everyday.

.There is not a day where I ask Allah to forgive me. This all happened in the years of 2007 to 2009, I was not very religious than... I know the reason this all happened with me sinning was because of the rape. I know it is because I lost my self esteem and did not seek consoling that when a man l cared for me, I was happy and vulnerable. I know that is wrong, but I went through something hard, and didn't seek help. I am change and have learned from my mistakes BIG TIME.
Today, I am changed. I have repented. I learned to pray, I am in Law school, I am and always have been a sweet and kind heart girl, I don't hurt anyone even the people who hurt me. I cry every day because of my mistakes. Recently, I know a man who is asking for my hand whom I care dearly for... I know he was in a relationship before but it didn't work out.. I care so much about him, I wouldn't let anyone or anything hurt him. I truly love him for the sake of Allah. But I am scared because I don't know if I am a bad girl for him?!

If you (a muslim man) knew about this would you marry me? Would you forget the past and see I am sincere to my religion and love Allah so much and repent? I really need help healing, because everyday I wake up and sleep to this thought of him walking alway because of my hardship past... I am so scared I won't ever be happy! I am so scared I will never find a good muslim man to marry me... and most of all I want to marry him, he is the one I care for and see as the father of my children. I need help knowing I will be forgiven for my actions knowing I am remorseful to the point I am killing myself with regret and tears. IstarferAllah. <br><br>To add, I did sin but I remain a virgin. <br><br>Help em know I am still a good Muslim women, help me see the truth! Please tell me if you knew me would you marry one like me or walk away?

**ardianto** · 08-22-2011

Originally Posted by King of Nines

But also keep in mind that there are many men out there who prey on vulnerable women like this as well. Watch yourself, because the sharks will close in when they smell blood. You have to be able to pick out the good guys from the bad ones, which is not easy sometimes. There are many bad guys disguised as good ones, a few good truly ones, and some like me who are sort of in the middle.

Yes, that's true, there are many men who prey on vulnerable women with act like savior.

But do you know ? one tactic that used by married men to get sympathy from another woman is create false stories that show if they live in marriage life that full of suffering. They tell that another woman if their wives treats them very bad and make them suffer. Of course it's not true. But many women believe those false stories and become their another wives or mistress because women have instinct to please men, and many women are too easy to believe what men say.

**Who Am I?** · 08-22-2011

Originally Posted by Futuwwa

White Knight? You mean, like, a White Knight of the Ku Klux Klan?

No. But I now see where you might think that.

A "White Knight" is a guy who has a complex about rescuing a distressed damsel. It comes from the old romantic notion of knights in shining armor riding a white horse (hence the "White" part) saving a fair maiden from an evil man or horrible monster.

I used to be such a guy in my younger days. I had this savior complex where I wanted to be every woman's champion. I only had good intentions. I wanted to find a woman who I could love and who would love me. But many men out there will pretend to be a bastion of chivalry for their own selfish purposes.

**FS123** · 08-22-2011

And now you are just angry white guy

just joking...

**flowergarden** · 08-23-2011

Originally Posted by YusufNoor

thank you for taking the time to reply, Sister. one of the problems with treatment for depression, esp. for reverts or people close to Islam, is that they try to remember "happy things" in order to pull out of "nosedive" situations." Music is especially used. [if they were born Muslim, then Qur'an might be a more natural choice as they have memories of it.] Comedies also, laughing is a huge help. VERY few tunes or movies that a revert or non-Muslim favor are 100% halal in content, far from it some times. it DOES make for some awkward conversations as i try to explain why certain stuff is offensive and i let some stuff slide because she feels what she wants is "normal."

i really appreciated your comment on Muslim men in a previous post about how they wouldn't accept things about their wives that they have, in fact, done themselves. it's sad though, women are not private possessions. they are human beings and a great gift from Allah. that makes it hurtful and unjust to see the way victims of rape are treated.

Indeed brother Yusef's story is truly a touching and beautiful story. As for the treatment, I haven't gone to treatment. When I was raped I hid everything for a while, than decided to take it to court as I didn't want any girl to hurt the way I did...
I didn't go to treatment as I felt I would be weak, I know I needed it. But I just didn't want to come home from it having my family think I am crazy. I was really young and honestly when I think back, I know I would have been so much better taken treatment I probably wouldn't have made those mistakes...
that is why i took the time to post. i have learned alot from my wife and i recognized the pattern. you need to restore your high self esteem, it as taken from you. it shapes alot of your actions and reactions. sometimes ptsd doesn't go away, if you still have it treatment might be invaluable.

For me I would wake up every morning just wishing I would be someone else, and even days I would wish I were dead. It was a brutal assault and I was left with injustice even though I took it to court, when that happened I lost it. I lost faith, I lost myself. I felt the rape killed me yet my heart was still beating, and it took more than 6 years to accept it.. yet I didn't have faith nor any self esteem. So I guess with the marriage question I am still lost of esteem considering my past and the mistakes that came along.
my heart withers when i read these words, i know many women who share your situation. none of us can say, "i know how you feel." what happened wasn't your fault or your doing, yet people don't understand. i cannot emphasize enough how important it is for you to find a husband that will be supportive of you. it is not too late to get help, my wife said yesterday that mid 20's is a time when many depression issues come to their strongest. work on your mental health and your Deen.

And yes I would always tell anyone who is going through hardships, to take apart in treatment; especially one that has activities like journal, and arts and crafts, because I know how hard it is to wake up every morning with the aches in your heart more than ever.
remember to include yourself in this advise. as you learn how to deal with your issues, you can really benefit others. have you ever listened to Qari Haroon Baqai? check him out:
http://www.kalamullah.com/haroon-baqai.html

Alhamdulillah!

Imam Ahmad reported that Anas narrated that Allah's Messenger said:

«قَالَ اللهُ عَزَّ وَجَلَّ: يَا ابْنَ آدَمَ، إِنْ ذَكَرْتَنِي فِي نَفْسِكَ ذَكَرْتُك فِي نَفْسِي، إِنْ ذَكَرْتَنِي فِي مَلَإٍ ذكَرْتُكَ فِي مَلَإٍ مِنَ الْمَلَائِكَةِ أَوْ قَالَ: فِي مَلَإٍ خَيْرٍ مِنْهُ وَإِنْ دَنَوْتَ مِنِّي شِبْرًا دَنَوْتُ مِنْكَ ذِرَاعًا، وَإِنْ دَنَوْتَ مِنِّي ذِرَاعًا دَنَوْتُ مِنْكَ بَاعًا، وَإنْ أَتَيْتَنِي تَمْشِي أَتَيْتُكَ هَرْوَلَة»

(Allah the Exalted said, `O son of Adam! If you mention Me to yourself, I will mention you to Myself. If you mention Me in a gathering, I will mention you in a gathering of the angels (or said in a better gathering). If you draw closer to Me by a hand span, I will draw closer to you by forearm's length. If you draw closer to Me by a forearm's length, I will draw closer to you by an arm's length. And if you come to Me walking, I will come to you running).

yusuf

,
Thank you for your respond brother Yusuf. I don't really feel depressed, maybe I am, I don't know... But every time I think about me, I go back saying I am stupid because other people have it much worse. So I stay stronge and make the best of the day, keep myself busy and just study away! I don't mean to make you sad reading that I just wish I would just forget my mistake and forgive myself and see I am going in a path to help many people with a vast range of problems to seek justice! when you said...

Originally Posted by YusufNoor

people close to Islam, is that they try to remember "happy things" in order to pull out of "nosedive" situations." Music is especially used.

I still do that, especially with music, I like to listen to Sami Yusef Islamic singer... helps me stay clam. I hope to just stay in the path of at least trying to forgive myself, Inshallah this Ramadan helps me. So for Alhamdullah it has. Especially all the beautiful Muslim brothers and sister on this site have helped!
Brother Yusuf, your kindest really helps me and has touched my heart and I can't thank you enough!

Originally Posted by ardianto

A woman's life that full of suffering could be something that invites sympathy from men, it's because men have instincts as savior and protector. But I do not suggest sisters to use their miserable life as weapon to get sympathy from men, because men dislike women who beg for sympathy or love.

True, I have noticed this! However I really don't waman to marry me because he feel pity towards me.. I want tm to see a beautiful future with me, and not feel any sorrow! I can't really use my misery as a weapon, I don't find that a right thing to do! I want a man to marry me for me, sees I am different than girls that just show their goodies. I want a man to see I can hold my own and have a love for Islam with a beautiful enthusiasm towards learning more about it. I want a husband that will be there for me to as I will be for him... and I want to be there for my husband to make sure he doesn't fall, ad he will for me. But I see how my past can of help, lol.

Originally Posted by King of Nines

As a former White Knight myself, I can attest to this. I used to have this complex about saving distressed damsels.

But also keep in mind that there are many men out there who prey on vulnerable women like this as well. Watch yourself, because the sharks will close in when they smell blood. You have to be able to pick out the good guys from the bad ones, which is not easy sometimes. There are many bad guys disguised as good ones, a few good truly ones, and some like me who are sort of in the middle.

Yes, very true! some boy (I wouldn't call them men!) do that and it angers me... because they usually do that with a good girl!

As I was once that girl and it just breaks my heart that was that weak, that sad, that broken, and that stupid

!

Thank you brothers and sisters for all the response and helping me!!! Jazak ALlah Khair! Allah bless you all and keep you in good health and protect you!

**flowergarden** · 08-23-2011

Brothers and sisters,
I wanted to ask you a question; I was thinking of opening a a new thread but than I thought it is better to just ask here since you all are helping me so much!

Is it normal to cry at night before you sleep? Not everyday but a lot of nights?

I don't know why I cry, sometimes it can be because of what has happened, of course other times because of my stupid dumb mistakes, and other times it is my fear of the future! I just don't know if it is normal, or if I should just somehow get a treatment, or a book that helps. I don't feel like this in the day, as I am usually cooking, or studying or at work- so I am busy, but than a memory pops up and I wish I had the capability to get rid of remembering, or my memory (kind of like the movie eternal sunshine of a spotless mind) but I just remember it, and I am sooooo dang hard on myself. I always deem myself lower standards. I always feel like the man I marry, I feel bad for him... I feel sometimes like an idiot and a bad person, a bad muslim...
I don't know why only at night, (I mean probably because I am keeping busy during the day) But can someone give me an idea of getting rid of this problem with out going to treatment?

JazakAllah Khayran!

**YusufNoor** · 08-23-2011

Originally Posted by flowergarden

Brothers and sisters,
I wanted to ask you a question; I was thinking of opening a a new thread but than I thought it is better to just ask here since you all are helping me so much!

Is it normal to cry at night before you sleep? Not everyday but a lot of nights?

I don't know why I cry, sometimes it can be because of what has happened, of course other times because of my stupid dumb mistakes, and other times it is my fear of the future! I just don't know if it is normal, or if I should just somehow get a treatment, or a book that helps. I don't feel like this in the day, as I am usually cooking, or studying or at work- so I am busy, but than a memory pops up and I wish I had the capability to get rid of remembering, or my memory (kind of like the movie eternal sunshine of a spotless mind) but I just remember it, and I am sooooo dang hard on myself. I always deem myself lower standards. I always feel like the man I marry, I feel bad for him... I feel sometimes like an idiot and a bad person, a bad muslim...
I don't know why only at night, (I mean probably because I am keeping busy during the day) But can someone give me an idea of getting rid of this problem with out going to treatment?

JazakAllah Khayran!

learn whatever you can about the 2nd Khalifa, Umar ibn al Khattab. i couldn't find it online, but there's a story about him. he was overheard sobbing in the Masjid. someone went close so they could here him. he was crying over past sins. crying because he had done them and crying because Allah had forgiven him. here's a small insight into his character:

Umar and Self Remorse

Once Umar was busy with some important affairs of the State, when a person came to him and, complaining about some petty grievance, asked for immediate redress.

Thus disturbed, Umar felt very much annoyed. He took the lash and struck the man saying:

"When I sit for redressing the grievances of the common men you do not come, and when I am engaged in other important work you come with your grievances to disturb me."

The person walked away in a sullen mood. When the man went away, Umar felt struck with remorse for having treated the man shabbily.

Umar ran after the man, and overtaking him handed him his lash and said:

"I have been hard on you and lashed you. You take this lash, and strike me so that the account may be squared."

The man was overwhelmed with the sense of justice of Umar. He said:

"O Commander of the Faithful, how can I raise my hand against you. I seek no revenge. I forgive you. May Allah forgive you."

Umar went home and offered a special prayer of repentance. He upbraided himself loudly:

"O Umar, you were low but Allah elevated you. You were wandering astray but Allah guided you. You were base but Allah ennobled you and gave you sovereignty over the people. Now one of them comes and asks you for requital for the harm done to him, and you beat him.

What answer would you give before Allah?"

Umar kept chiding himself long. Holding a straw in his hand he said:

"I wish, I were a straw like this." Turning to himself he said, "I wish my mother had not given birth to me."
Friends Who Could Straighten Him

True to the title 'Al-Farooq', Umar was an embodiment of truth. He did not hesitate to speak the truth, in the best interests of the Muslim State. Such truth was sometimes bitter, and the people held him in awe.

Some people understood him, and appreciated his sterling qualities of courage, conviction, and truthfulness. Some people misjudged him and felt that he was unduly hard and harsh with the people.

Umar knew that he was more feared than loved. Under a stern exterior, Umar had a heart full of the milk of human kindness. Whenever Umar came across a person who was in distress or was in any way oppressed, Umar was all sympathy for him, and he did all he could to alleviate his distress.

Umar did often reflect and ponder over the responsibilities that had come to vest in him and the way he discharged them. He did not feel very happy with the equation between himself and the people. He regretted that the people did not understand him properly.

Hudhaifa a prominent companion has left on record that one day he went to see Umar and found that he was feeling much perturbed. Seeing the disturbed state of the mind of Umar, Hudhaifa enquired as to what was the matter.

Umar said:

"I was feeling unhappy that the people have awe of me. They generally avoid me, and hesitate to bring my shortcomings to my notice. I was just thinking as to what, would happen if I were to fall in erroneous ways, and because of the awe that the people have of me, no one comes forward to restrain me."

Thereupon Hudhaifa said:

"Your awe is because of the truth at your command. If you deviate from the path of truth, the people will not be afraid to call you to account. Verily if I see that you are in the wrong, I will fix you up, and straighten you."

At this Umar felt very happy. He said:

"Thank God, there are friends who will straighten me when I err. If I have such friends around me, I need have no fear of falling into error."

http://www.witness-pioneer.org/vil/A...Self%20Remorse
http://www.witness-pioneer.org/vil/A...al_khattab.htm

i learned much from a series of lectures on Umar:

http://www.pleasantviewschool.com/me...ulafah+Rashida

this brother also does the Seerah:

http://www.pleasantviewschool.com/me...het+%28pbuh%29

http://www.pleasantviewschool.com/me...wi%20%28saw%29

so, you don't actually have a problem. you are just like one of the greatest Sahabah that ever lived.

yusuf

**Who Am I?** · 08-23-2011

Originally Posted by FS123

And now you are just angry white guy

just joking...

Well the difference is that now I am older, wiser, more cynical, and understand more of how the world works, and it frustrates and angers me sometimes.

Originally Posted by flowergarden

,
Yes, very true! some boy (I wouldn't call them men!) do that and it angers me... because they usually do that with a good girl!

As I was once that girl and it just breaks my heart that was that weak, that sad, that broken, and that stupid

!

Thank you brothers and sisters for all the response and helping me!!! Jazak ALlah Khair! Allah bless you all and keep you in good health and protect you!

Ah, don't blame yourself, sister. Some men are just that good at smooth-talking that they can convince women to do almost anything.

**kingkong** · 08-26-2011

Originally Posted by ThisOldMan

Doesn't matter to me whether you are a technical virgin or a theoretical virgin or a pompous holier-than-thou virgin. Myself, I have had my share of virgins and, truth be told, having sexual intercourse with a virgin is nothing to write home about. Did I mention that I am not much into bragging rights either?

That's an absolutely disgusting comment to make and that kind of attitude is the reason why i pray that true virgins end up with virgins.

Whilst some virgins do have a bad attitude, the vast majority are pure and decent people and they deserve someone wjho'll be more than happy with their inexperience.

I can't believe there are people out there who think that virgins aren't good in every.

I take great offense to comments like yours, me being a virgin, I would be shattered if I made a move on the first night and my wife was disappointed, that would suck all life and energy out of me.

So I hope that people like you are in a minority.

It's fine trying to help others out with advice, but putting down virgins in the process? Very wrong.

**Futuwwa** · 08-27-2011

He wasn't putting down virgins, he was putting down the attitude that virginity itself is particularly special. Given a choice between a pious, good Muslima who's not a virgin and an impious woman who's a virgin only from lack of opportunity, I'd choose the former without any second thought.

I'm a virgin too. That's just how it is. I'm neither proud nor embarrassed about it.

**Futuwwa** · 08-27-2011

Originally Posted by King of Nines

No. But I now see where you might think that.

A "White Knight" is a guy who has a complex about rescuing a distressed damsel. It comes from the old romantic notion of knights in shining armor riding a white horse (hence the "White" part) saving a fair maiden from an evil man or horrible monster.

I used to be such a guy in my younger days. I had this savior complex where I wanted to be every woman's champion. I only had good intentions. I wanted to find a woman who I could love and who would love me. But many men out there will pretend to be a bastion of chivalry for their own selfish purposes.

So what are you now? A red knight? One who's run out of plate armour wax and not bought any new since the shine won't show from under the bloodstains anyway?

I dread the thought of ending up in a situation where I'd have to save a damsel in distress. I'd probably get pummeled and the damsel remain just as much in distress afterward, but I'd be ****ed if I didn't try

**Ali Mujahidin** · 08-27-2011

To Brother Futuwwa,

Thank you for your reply.

To Brother Kingkong,

First my sincere apologies for having stirred up your ire through my bad command of English. Let me try to express myself more clearly.

Technical virgins or theoretical virgins or holier-than-thou virgins are probably mystical creatures that have never been encountered by pure virgins like you, so I will try to elaborate on each of them

Technical virgin

A person, usually female, who has experienced all sorts of sexual escapades and perversions and yet still retain a hymen, or had her hymen re-instated, whichever the case might be. A technical virgin is definitely not what a pure virgin like you would consider prime material for sharing your nuptial delights.

Theoretical virgin.

Not too much different from a technical virgin except for the absence of the hymen. This type of person insists on being listed as a virgin based on the sole qualification of being pure at heart. Something like "I know I have had all kinds of bed-shaking orgies with all kinds of men and women, but I am actually still a virgin because my heart is still pure and unsullied by all that filth." Again hardly the kind of matrimonial partner which a pure virgin like you may want to share the bridal chamber with.

Holier-than-thou virgin.

An actual virgin complete with intact hymen, never ever had any sexual experience and would most probably swoon at the sight of an upright candle-stick. Also over-zealously fixated on the erroneous notion that his or her state of purity guarantees him or her direct unquestioned entry into heaven. If you, Brother KingKong, were to look in the mirror, you might just find one staring back at you. Oh, yes, there is such a thing as a male hymen but elaborating on it here would be going way too far off-topic.

I think I will go and make myself a cup of coffee before I continue with this post. In the meantime, please feel free to comment, if you feel the urge to do so.

**YusufNoor** · 08-27-2011

Originally Posted by SFatima

This is surprising..especially when you say your wife hasn't embraced Islam yet, how can she be expected to resort to something that she hasn't thought about or hasn't been able to make a mental decision about, as of yet..There is no compulsion in deen, it is for her come to it at her own pace if she wants to, nobody can force her.

i answer because you appear to be such an intelligent, knowledgeable and wise Sister. i ponder this because my health prevents me from my natural and studied field, Culinary Arts, and is now putting the finishing touches on my current profession as a health care driver. my Wonderful wife desires that i seek to be declared permanently and completely handicapped. i am considering what would be the best use of my limited abilities that would benefit the most people and that my Sweet Wife would approve and encourage. my admiration for my Wife plus my known abilities point towards helping people or teaching or speaking on Islam. mental health is an area that seems to be a "black hole" for Muslims. my Loving Wife is very schooled in this arena and "improving" people lives and mental state is something that she does with every trip to the clinic. counselors are now seeking her advice despite all of the obstacles she has faced, as well as the result of those traumas. i ADMIRE her for all that she does and she INSPIRES me to pursue a similar course.

my Dear Wife is an extremely intelligent woman who thirsts for knowledge. she would erase all the pain in the world if she could. to her, religions seem to be one of the biggest causes of evil on the planet. SHE is the one encouraging me to speak on Islam. she detests all the "crap" you hear in the media, yet because her religious education was minimal and Catholics abound in superstition, she focuses on the bad. i spend much thought on how to present Islam to her and try to articulate the beauty of Islam in ways that "make perfect sense" to her. it's not easy, and it may take a lifetime, Allahu Alum. she is under no compulsion what so ever. i tell her that it is NOT in our power to convert anyone. we just try to give the Message. she will be guided, In Sha'a Allah, or not. it's not up to me.

As for this typical trend in muslim men , do not worry lol not all are like that, but I guess mostly from the Indian /Pakistan side, they tend to be like this Largely because this HAS been a very cultural area for the longest time. It has happened only now recently that people have started taking an interest in Islam ( the post 9/11 world events a great reason for people to refer back to religion, cuz honestly I saw none of it before, anywhere around me, wearing hijab was outdated, backward, and having an sunnah beard was the surest way to be called a social recluse, and to be shunned socially) Most people were just into routine stuff just like evreybody else in the world, carrying out the daily rituals that they were used to, besides heavily sticking to their culture and thinking of it to have come from deen.

One big reason of us muslim countries being so far away from the spirit of Islam a decade ago can also be largely attributed to the fact that Quran is NOT taught to us in our schools, at all. The only Quran we did get to read was from a govt appointed Qari, who had just as poor arabic as somebody who doesn't know arabic. Besides just learning the Arabic, it is sad to say none of us common people knew even the slightest arabic to our advantage, to even know what we were saying. So, since our culture taught us another language, and our culture was strongly influenced by Hinduism, the scenario was somewhat similar to hindu culture, since muslims of this are had lived hundred of years with the hindus of this region and a lot of cultural amalgamation took place centuries ago, without the subsequent generations knowing how to separate the true Islamic culture from the eastern culture which is based on myths and superstitions. e.g In my country, some muslims dont like to marry widows and divorced women, because they're considered bad omen, which is a pure hindu tradition, but it has creeped in an otherwise muslim society, un knowingly unadmittedly( people wont admit to this mostly). Another reason is the purely arranged marriage culture, a pure hindu tradition, where the bride and groom were not even allowed to see each other before marrying, the marital union was completely decided by the parents, and that too on parent's own choices, which lead to a lot of great marriages, along with some incompatible ones. Just recently people have gathered just about the strength to request to meet the prospective daughters /sons along with the whole families so that things are done amicably and any future trouble avoided.

But Alhamdulilah, now things are changing since people have atleast started to acquire religious knowledge from the recent onset of small scale private insitutues which focus on basic teachings of the Quran, their meanings and all related stuff. It is frustrating a lot of times to see un-islamic social attitudes to have been adopted by our people, but I guess it will take the hard work of a couple of islamically motivated generations to raise their kids on Islamic principles, in order to erase the slightly chauvinistic/superstitious mentality of the men from this region, which took centuries to imprint on their minds as cultural behaviours. Just describing you the reason why you see this thing common among muslim men of this region, please do not confuse these cultural practises with actual islam, 'cause they are not.

Even among all this cultural baggage there are many good practising muslims, and most of them stay back home

living within their means, who don't aspire the American/british/european/ any other cultural dream like those who did and left all the practices of Islam behind in their pursuit of worldly happiness.

We should hope and pray for the best of all people who haven't had an ample chance to be acquainted with religion and try to inspire them for a better change InshAllah o Taa'la.

the majority of the Muslims i am in contact with are from the horn of Africa, and then Indo/Pakistan. the best picture i can give you is: the brothers are in tank tops and shorts, while the sisters are in niqaab. it is from that viewpoint i must explain Islam to my Wonderful Wife. [it's not 100% accurate, but it conveys the dilemma.] the Brother seek to have me "destroy Christianity" rather than speak on the Wonder and Beauty of Islam. i once did that and i have decided to cease that and find a more positive formula.

i thank you for your words, JazakAllah Khayr and and note that you are indeed a Sister of substantial knowledge, May Allah increase you in that.

Yusuf

**ardianto** · 08-27-2011

Originally Posted by King of Nines

A "White Knight" is a guy who has a complex about rescuing a distressed damsel. It comes from the old romantic notion of knights in shining armor riding a white horse (hence the "White" part) saving a fair maiden from an evil man or horrible monster.

White Knight ? ..... hmm .... hmm ... hmm

One day when I was young my friend told me about his female cousin who lived in a town that located in south of my city. Might be he was annoyed because I refused a girl from middle class family who he introduced to me. I did not attracted to that girl although she actually accepted me.

So, he tried to connect me with other girl who different. She was from poor family and has 11 siblings, her parents had divorced, and she must worked in small company with low salary to get money for her family. Amazingly the story about her made me want to know her further although I didn't know yet how she was. I felt like a knight who heard a lady asked for help. And I got a surprise when I meet her, she is more beautiful than my imagination, she never missed salah and always fast in monday and thursday.

But there was a problem, her mother wanted her marry a guy in arranged marriage. She told me she didn't want to marry that guy. So, I brought my mother and my uncle to meet her parents to explain I was serious to marry her, but I need more times to finish my study and get a job. Then I engaged with her although her mother actually did not approve me, and my mother against my decision to choose this girl. Only her dad who seemed like approve me.

One day she made a confession, she's a victim of sexual harassment when she was younger. She told me in detail how did they harass her. And from her another words I began to feel if she was raped too. Honestly, It's shocked me and annoyed my mind. But my love to her could overcome it. I realized, marriage is not only for one night, but until the death comes. I must accept her past no matter how bad it was. Yes, I very love her and even I often perform salah tahajud wish Allah makes her as my wife in the future.

However, something happened. A girl who lived in north area of my city was looking for her ex-classmate, someone who was her White Knight in the past. Coincidentally, her White Knight and 'The Girl From South' White Knight was the same person.

Later both of them knew other party existence. Situation was going worse. Finally The Girl From South left me and married a guy that chosen by her mother, and I married The Girl From North.

If you notice my post in page 5 you can find my wife had a bad past too. Her abusive ex-boyfriend treated her like a sex slave. And even after she left him, he still became trouble maker. There was a someone else who came to my wife's life before me. He was a govt officer with good salary and ready to marry. But not so long after they engaged, that ex-boyfriend came an told him story about my wife. Indeed, not every man is a knight. That govt officer left her because he couldn't accept her past.

So, she tried to find her White Knight who became a place to complain when her boyfriend treated her badly, who became a place to request when she wanted a new clothes or gifts. She was from poor family too. Even a year after she graduated from high school and then stayed at home because her parents couldn't afford to pay study fee in higher education, her White Knight came and pay her education fee in a computer course because her abusive boyfriend didn't care about it. And later this computer course becomes something that open her way to get a job. And had a job and income raised her courage to leave her abusive boyfriend.

Of course she was very disappointed when she found her White Knight had becomes a White Knight for another girl. But she didn't gives up, and finally she married her White Knight.

Actually, every man can be a White Knight. There is no man who born as White Knight. And if I become a White Knight, that because I grew up and live among gentlemen who always teach me how to treat woman nicely.

And never too old to be White Knight. There are many poor and suffered girls or widow out there. They are waiting for White Knight. Find her and marry her soon. Avoid pre-marital relationship. If my relationship with my wife started from friendship, it's because a destiny. That's why I always had a feeling I must care on her.

**ardianto** · 08-27-2011

Originally Posted by kingkong

That's an absolutely disgusting comment to make and that kind of attitude is the reason why i pray that true virgins end up with virgins.

Whilst some virgins do have a bad attitude, the vast majority are pure and decent people and they deserve someone wjho'll be more than happy with their inexperience.

I can't believe there are people out there who think that virgins aren't good in every.

I take great offense to comments like yours, me being a virgin, I would be shattered if I made a move on the first night and my wife was disappointed, that would suck all life and energy out of me.

So I hope that people like you are in a minority.

It's fine trying to help others out with advice, but putting down virgins in the process? Very wrong.

There are two non-virgin girls who we can marry. One, girl who made mistake in the past but has been repent. Second, girl who lost her virginity because rape.

I understand if a man want to have virgin wife. But marriage is not only for one night. Marriage is a relationship until the death comes. I know, it's not easy to accept our wives past. But we married our wives for today and for the future, not for the past. And actually, accept the wife's past is the first test for the husband. If the husband failed in this first test, he will be fail in the next tests.

We will never know what will happen to our wives in the future. Maybe they will get accident or illness that makes them lose their beauty or becomes imperfect. But we can't leave them just because something that they never expect happen to them. And if we can accept their past, it will makes us easy to accept everything that happen to them in the future.

I totally agree, we must guard our virginity until the first night. However, if we have meet our potential wives, but they make a honest confession they are not virgin, will we leave them or still love them ?

If we want to be loved, we must able to love.

**flowergarden** · 08-28-2011

Originally Posted by ardianto

Quote Originally Posted by kingkong View Post
That's an absolutely disgusting comment to make and that kind of attitude is the reason why i pray that true virgins end up with virgins.

Whilst some virgins do have a bad attitude, the vast majority are pure and decent people and they deserve someone wjho'll be more than happy with their inexperience.

I can't believe there are people out there who think that virgins aren't good in every.

I take great offense to comments like yours, me being a virgin, I would be shattered if I made a move on the first night and my wife was disappointed, that would suck all life and energy out of me.

So I hope that people like you are in a minority.

It's fine trying to help others out with advice, but putting down virgins in the process? Very wrong.
There are two non-virgin girls who we can marry. One, girl who made mistake in the past but has been repent. Second, girl who lost her virginity because rape.

I understand if a man want to have virgin wife. But marriage is not only for one night. Marriage is a relationship until the death comes. I know, it's not easy to accept our wives past. But we married our wives for today and for the future, not for the past. And actually, accept the wife's past is the first test for the husband. If the husband failed in this first test, he will be fail in the next tests.

We will never know what will happen to our wives in the future. Maybe they will get accident or illness that makes them lose their beauty or becomes imperfect. But we can't leave them just because something that they never expect happen to them. And if we can accept their past, it will makes us easy to accept everything that happen to them in the future.

I totally agree, we must guard our virginity until the first night. However, if we have meet our potential wives, but they make a honest confession they are not virgin, will we leave them or still love them ?

If we want to be loved, we must able to love.

KingKong, please don't take it to offense. But please let there be no fighting or anything of such on this thread.

Yes I made a mistake, and Kingkong it is men like you who make me feel like I will never be married!

I am not a bad person but I had issues in my past, I fell, I made a mistake, but only Allah know how much of a good person I am. How much compassion I have in my heart. How Much love I have for Allah is only know to Him.
So I was raped, and I can admit to you and anyone reading this it caused me to make mistakes. It is hard for me to forgive myself for the stupidity, but because I thought a jerk would keep his word and marry me, yet left me instead in a cowardly way (via text), his manipulative ways hurt me...

so when you say I pray this and that... it makes me feel you pray I would never get a good man, because of my past. My heart hurts so much when I read your comment because it makes me feel like a dirty girl, and I am FAR FAR FAR from that. I made mistake because being rape truly sinks you in, it changes you, and in my case I didn't even have consoling, so what happened I had to work so hard to where I am today.

So Mr. Kingkong, if you met a women like me, a law student not only helping women but helping men, a good Muslim women who learned on her own to pray, a Muslim women who was raped and yes made one mistake which she repenting! It is doddle noted there are guys like you that would turn me down the moment you found out that but Please do me a favor and realize that I am trying to mend from a hard position, I am trying to love myself and believe I will have a good man at my side one day.

Allah sees everything, and yes we should guard our virginity... and I don't know how to say it besides- my pants have not been off before, I don't have experiance in any of that... yet I feel like some of the comments are pretending to me..

And when I say Allah sees everything, He sees that I am a good girl that had a lot of bad things happen to her, and you know what I took it because I am strong!!!!! I am a very strong girl. If Allah loves people he puts them to trial, He test them and place them in difficulty.Those who if in any difficulty or trial, or tribulation occurs to them or happens to them, they say: 'Verily We are from Allah and to Allah we return.' They are those who will receive prayers from their Lord and Mercy and it is those who are guided

So all these comments are not helping me... if only you knew the stuff I have gone through and for you to feel offended for a comment that WAS NOT putting down any one is truly hurtful to me knowing you read my story and I am not asking for fights I am asking for help and help to heal.
You read my story and didn't realize I am reading this... Not realizing it hurts!

So if anyone who has a comment that doesn't help me, or isn't about any other conversation above, or is a mean comment that will hurt anyone please do yourself and me a favor and don't comment... as others probably read this thread you have been in a similar situation and want advice!

JazakAllah Khair!

Thank you for your comments Ardianto! Jazak Allah Khair!

Allah bless every One

EID MUBARAK!!!! InshAllah everyone has a blessed Eid with loved one near, may this year be a humbled, blessed, and blissful one! May all of you always be protected and May allah grant you all your prayers, goals, dreams and wishes!

**flowergarden** · 08-28-2011

Originally Posted by YusufNoor

learn whatever you can about the 2nd Khalifa, Umar ibn al Khattab. i couldn't find it online, but there's a story about him. he was overheard sobbing in the Masjid. someone went close so they could here him. he was crying over past sins. crying because he had done them and crying because Allah had forgiven him. here's a small insight into his character:

JazakAllah Khair for your time in helping me.... This is very nice of you and I loved reading this. I actually didn't know about this!

I like the links you have provided as well... I will go on them here an there when I am not studying!

**kingkong** · 08-28-2011

Originally Posted by flowergarden

Yes I made a mistake, and Kingkong it is men like you who make me feel like I will never be married!

You're entitled to marry whomsoever you want provided they want to marry you and they are Muslim.

Like I said in the previous comment, due to the same level of experience - none in the case of virgins, to avoid awkwardness it's often wise for 2 virgins to marry.

There are 3 three reasons why most people remain virgins.

1. To please Allah and in the process earn entry into Jannah.

2. To be pure for their wife/husband on their wedding night.
3. To hopefully find someone of a likewise background, so they may learn about intimacy together and not feel like they have total lack of knowledge won't be able to please and their partner knows it all, which is why I want a virgin.

I'm sure there are many many men who will look past your background, there are people out there with far worse backgrounds. They are men of great patience and good character, you will be treated rightly by them.

**Ali Mujahidin** · 08-28-2011

Originally Posted by kingkong

Like I said in the previous comment, due to the same level of experience - none in the case of virgins, to avoid awkwardness it's often wise for 2 virgins to marry.

There are 3 three reasons why most people remain virgins.

1. To please Allah and in the process earn entry into Jannah.

2. To be pure for their wife/husband on their wedding night.
3. To hopefully find someone of a likewise background, so they may learn about intimacy together and not feel like they have total lack of knowledge won't be able to please and their partner knows it all, which is why I want a virgin.

I might most probably be wrong but I seem to detect from the tone of your post that you are under the impression that non-virgins are not as good as virgins. Allow me to remind you of some facts:

1. The Holy Prophet s.a.w., himself, was not a virgin on the first night of all his marriages except the first one to Khadijah a.s.

2. All the Holy Prophet's wives were not virgins on the first night of their marriages to the Holy Prophet, except for Aishah a.s.

3. A non-virgin is not necessarily a fornicator just as a virgin is not necessarily a non-fornicator.

4. There are four things stated by the Holy Prophet as reasons why a man chooses a particular woman to marry. Sexual experience or sexual prowess or sexual satisfaction or the lack thereof is definitely not one of the four reasons.

5. Your fixation on the sexual experience or lack thereof of one or both of the marital partners on the first night of marriage as a contributing factor to the sexual satisfaction of their first union does not have any basis in Islam whatsoever and in actual detracts from the meaning and objective of marriage in Islam.

Having said that, I will be the first one to admit that I, myself, might most probably be totally mistaken about what I have said above. Please do not hesitate to correct me so that I may learn from my mistakes. WaLLahu aklam.

**flowergarden** · 08-29-2011

Originally Posted by kingkong

You're entitled to marry whomsoever you want provided they want to marry you and they are Muslim.

Like I said in the previous comment, due to the same level of experience - none in the case of virgins, to avoid awkwardness it's often wise for 2 virgins to marry.

There are 3 three reasons why most people remain virgins.

1. To please Allah and in the process earn entry into Jannah.

2. To be pure for their wife/husband on their wedding night.
3. To hopefully find someone of a likewise background, so they may learn about intimacy together and not feel like they have total lack of knowledge won't be able to please and their partner knows it all, which is why I want a virgin.

I'm sure there are many many men who will look past your background, there are people out there with far worse backgrounds. They are men of great patience and good character, you will be treated rightly by them.

Please if you don't have anything else to say than nothing should be said anymore... You obviously don't understand what I have said... Number one I am a virgin! So by you saying "

Originally Posted by kingkong

I'm sure there are many many men who will look past your background, there are people out there with far worse backgrounds.

Are you trying to say that I only deserve a man who has a far worse background?

Maybe I am just taking this wrongly, but Brother you are NOT helping me! I know why people stay virgins, but once you settle in my shoes and know my history than go ahead and say who deserves who!

But how about I give you a story to think of, I know a man who lost interest in a women (muslim) because she was raped (not me a women who I helped). So he married a virgin who was just like you (a virgin for a virgin). While the women he rejected for stupid reasons moved on and now is happily married with a proprous career, the other man who deemed my friend and me bad women because we work and we both had a tragic past, he's oh so great virgin wife cheated on him with 3 different men. To top it all off, we help the young man get a divorce (lawfully) and gain child custody of his child.

So as much as your putting me down for having a tragic past, I raise my head and know that a man who comes along with me the lucky one....

please refrain from responding, this is my thread to HELP me, not put me down. God bless and take care!

**flowergarden** · 08-29-2011

Brothers and Sisters, I would love it for advice here! Nice saying stuff like that. Keep the nice mood going.

**Please no more replies to what was said before! For the sake of Allah- those hurt me!

If everyone has said Allah forgive a true repentence, I'm sure Allah see me as true good muslimah, InshAllah I am trying my best!

Allah loves those who repent for their sins, and I truly feel if what happened to me never happened, I wouldn't be as religious nor would I have such a big love for Allah! I also read in the Qur'an, Allah has(stw) said that when a person repents over his / her sins and commits not to repeat them then he / she becomes as pure as a new born.

So if anyone judges anyone for their past is a mistake in their part!

It is hard to forgive myself, but Allah is with me!

Allah bless all you have helped me and continue to try to help!