Why there are many problems in Muslim families and societies?

[ardianto]

To be honest, I often sad when I notice the reality of Muslim families and societies that I have seen in forum. There are many people who frustrated because they are still not able to get married. There are many families with problems. There are many people who unhappy with their marriages. There are many divorce cases.

And from my observation, seem like these problem caused by lack of open mindedness among Muslims, especially among Muslims who came from conservative cultural background.

[strivingobserver98]

Do you think culture plays a big part in causing these problems? When Muslims take culture over Islam.

[greenhill]

I think problems exists everywhere. Why? Because we are human. The more we 'believe' the more Syaitan will work against us to pull us away from the correct path. (He'll be happy to leave you alone if you are already on the wrong path).

So, in islam we are given guidelines but do we really read them to try to understand? And then to use it as a road map to the correct path with patience?

I'd stick out my neck to say 'No, we don't'. We hardly refer to the guidelines, and when we do, we pick and choose what suits our wishes and question what goes against our desires. Worst still, we want instant gratification when we 'dua' and are quick to get disappointed when we don't feel our prayers are answered.

Just my humble opinion.

[ardianto]

Do you think culture plays a big part in causing these problems? When Muslims take culture over Islam.

Not the culture itself which become the problem, but people in the culture.

Prohibition to marry people from other ethnic or other social class is example of cultural thing that can cause a barrier to get married. This barrier actually can be removed easily. However, lack of open mindedness makes people regard this custom as sacred thing that should not be removed changed. So, this barrier will always exist.

I think problems exists everywhere. Why? Because we are human.

The problems which I have described exist in every society. However, lack of open mindedness in certain Muslim societies (not all) make people not able to handle and overcome these problem properly.

Frankly, in 2011 I ever criticized husbands from a Muslim society because they are not independent, but always under control by their mothers. Of course, it makes those husbands can't run their role as the head of family properly. Indeed, it's because custom. But actually this custom can be changed if people in that society are more open minded.

[Lisa921]

I think there is fine balance of culture and islam in a good marriage.
we can't be entirely focused on Islamic rights and obligations or we will push others away from us with our lack of depth and interest in anything else
but we also can't be all about culture and forget our Islamic values.
Culture is important to an extent that it gives us an identity and personality which is important to our autonomy of being human. But it should not supercede any Islamic rulings.
that being said I see nothing wrong with only preferring to marry someone from your own culture, but not excluding good pious spouses who may not be from that culture.. As long as our intention is to find someone to live a harmonious Islamic life with then what is wrong with having a personal preference?
In this case, culture plays a critical role in the forming of a solid family...
just my two cents
lisa

[MuslimInshallah]

Assalaamu alaikum,

Mmm… I think we see problems in all societies and cultures, as greenhill stated. Still, I think Ardianto has a valid point: there are definite problems in the Ummah. And as Muslims, we need to take responsibility for the part we play in these problems.

Is it conservatism that causes all the problems? I would suggest, no. Because I have met conservative people who are very good to their family members and others. I'd suggest that the problem is more one of hypocrisy. That is, people who proclaim their piety in loud voices, but who do not feel moved by simple compassion. Who too often use Islam to truncheon others into submission (to themselves, though they claim to speak in Allah's Name), all the while ignoring their own imperfections and misdoings (which we all do…). These hypocrisies turn a lot of people away from Islam, I have found.

I personally am glad to read differing opinions and interpretations by different people and scholars. I think this enriches our possibilities of understanding God's Will, and therefore of getting closer to him. I feel conservatives fill a useful role in trying to anchor us to certain fundamentals, while liberal thinkers help us to navigate the challenges of our varied world (these are simplifications, of course; there is really a rainbow of shades of understandings).

It seems to me that whenever we get too rigid in our belief in our own way of seeing things, we can veer subtly off the Path. It is a form of hubris to think any of us have all the answers, that we know the whole Truth. Or that we are better than another person, because we are more "right".

Still, we can't just open the door to people doing just anything. We need to have gold standards that we try to live by.

(smile) So we must struggle to understand and do our best. (smile) Which is what we are doing, I think, on this Forum, in our imperfect ways.


May Allah, the Holy, Bless all those who sincerely try to do some good in this world.

[ardianto]

Is it conservatism that causes all the problems? I would suggest, no. Because I have met conservative people who are very good to their family members and others. I'd suggest that the problem is more one of hypocrisy. That is, people who proclaim their piety in loud voices, but who do not feel moved by simple compassion. Who too often use Islam to truncheon others into submission (to themselves, though they claim to speak in Allah's Name), all the while ignoring their own imperfections and misdoings (which we all do…). These hypocrisies turn a lot of people away from Islam, I have found.

Wa'alaikumsalam.

There are many Muslims from conservative background who actually good. But their lack of open mindedness causes rigidity in the way of thinking which affect relationship with the others, including in relationship with their spouses.

There was complaint from a sister. She married a pious man who is kind and has good responsibility. However, her husband is 'cold'. One of her complaint was, her husband always refuse to be touched by her with reason he has taken wudu. And he often take one wudu for two salah time.

Maybe her husband follow Shafi'i madhab like majority of Indonesian Muslims which touched by a woman although she is his wife will invalidate wudu. But Muslims in my place have simple way to deal with it. They let their wives touch them, and then they take wudu again.

Husband and wife have to understand each other. Parents and family have to understand them too. But lack of open mindedness can make someone not able to understand the others.

I have observed and studied many cases that happened in Muslim families. And I found, mostly of the problems happened because the lack of understanding between husbands and wives, between married couple and their families. Actually these problems could be avoided or resolved if all parties were willing to understand each other. But lack of open mindedness made them not willing to listen to, and understand each other.

Indeed, in this matter Muslims from moderate environment are better because they are more open minded.

About hypocrisy. Lack of open mindedness can make someone become hypocrite without he aware of it. Someone who has lack of open mindedness will just follow what taught to him without he aware that what taught to him is actually wrong.

[ardianto]

Culture is important to an extent that it gives us an identity and personality which is important to our autonomy of being human. But it should not supercede any Islamic rulings.

The way to deal with culture is "remove which the bad, maintain which the good". But unfortunately there are people who regard culture as something sacred that cannot be changed.

[greenhill]

I'd suggest that the problem is more one of hypocrisy. That is, people who proclaim their piety in loud voices, but who do not feel moved by simple compassion. Who too often use Islam to truncheon others into submission (to themselves, though they claim to speak in Allah's Name), all the while ignoring their own imperfections and misdoings (which we all do…). These hypocrisies turn a lot of people away from Islam, I have found.

I think this also hits the nail on the head!