There's a lot of talk on how to get married, finding the right partner etc but what about advice on staying married once hitched?
Divorce is very much common nowadays, especially among newly weds. It is not strange to hear of marriages lasting as short as a month or even weeks, if not days in extreme cases.
Divorce is something I find especially scary because in a few heated moments, the marriage can essentially be disolved, despite deep down, neither party wanting that outcome.
What are some of those prevalent reasons for divorce amongst those new to marriage and (ignoring those beyond repair cases where there's abuse involved etc) what can one do to lengthen the relationship... i.e. truly make it 'till death do us part'?
those same stats will tell you that financial problems is the number one reason for divorce..
I think marriage like everything else needs working on everyday .. well after you've gotten all the raging hormones out of your system one question remains.. can you be friends with your spouse and make compromises?
I am not married myself but am around lots of married people and their complaint is always not seeing eye to eye on things well financial..
problem also when you marry after you've matured is that you're pretty independent and set in your ways.. difficult to make compromises then.. there's a reason God put those emotions in us when we're teenagers and not well in our thirties.. but it is a catch 22 really.. can't afford much let alone marriage and kids when you're a teenager but you do have a chance to grow with someone and understand them..
If these divorces have happened despite people being educated on their duties and rights of spouses then that's really sad.
I remember once bro Takumi (may Allah's blessings be with him wherever he is) said that parents-to-be should have lessons in how to raise children. I thought that made a lot of sense. I think something similar should be done for people getting married. Controlling anger and emotions are all an important part of keeping things from blowing up. Being prepared for something is half the battle won. Imaans should acknowledge the rising divorce rates and get more involved with the couple prior to the nikah. He question their knowledge on the matter and make sure both people pray - since if a person neglects prayer then what else is he going to neglect? He should refuse to do the nikah because of the following and advise:
“But if they repent [by rejecting Shirk (polytheism) and accept Islamic Monotheism], perform As-Salaat (Iqaamat-as-Salaat) and give Zakaat, then they are your brethren in religion.” [al-Tawbah 9:11]
Imaam Ahmad said that the one who does not pray because of laziness is a kaafir. This is the more correct view and is that indicated by the evidence of the Book of Allaah and the Sunnah of His Messenger, and by the words of the Salaf and the proper understanding. (Al-Sharh al-Mumti’ ‘ala Zaad al-Mustanqi’, 2/26).
Anyone who examines the texts of the Qur’aan and Sunnah will see that they indicate that the one who neglects the prayer is guilty of Kufr Akbar (major kufr) which puts him beyond the pale of Islam. http://islamqa.com/en/ref/5208
It should also be emphasized that divorce is the most hated of all permissible acts in the eyes of Allah and that it shouldn't be taken lightly. He should drum this into people's heads, and educate them on the obligations of marriage, overlooking faults and all the rest of it. The new couple should be able to contact him for advice as needed.
But we could also help the ummah by educating youngsters around us, forwarding articles/lectures and so on as much as we could. And marriage seminars would be a great idea. Dinner included.
Communication is a big factor. So many marriages fail because the spouses don't communicate, don't spend quality time together to keep the love and affection there between the two.
It's a like a computer... You understand it's language, the way it functions and you will get along just fine. But when it doesn't work, or something's wrong with it but you don't know what, that's where the problems lies, not understanding because lack of communication and we end up take our anger out on it.
^This is just an analogy to see things in a different perspective, I'm not saying every marriage are like computers lol
I know a marriage where a guy divorced his wife because she added a previous flame to her facebook
Another just divorced because the Mom could not get along with the wife, only son, so jealous mom.
Another , requested by the girl since the girl did not wish to live in an un islamic country and the man was trying to shift all his family there, she had only nikah done, had not left the parents house, so it was off soon.
those same stats will tell you that financial problems is the number one reason for divorce..
I think marriage like everything else needs working on everyday .. well after you've gotten all the raging hormones out of your system one question remains.. can you be friends with your spouse and make compromises?
I am not married myself but am around lots of married people and their complaint is always not seeing eye to eye on things well financial..
I agree with you. Financial arrangements are very important and that should be discussed before marriage, including 1) will the wife work outside the home, 2) if so, how will the children be taken care of, 3) day-to-day money management and paying bills, 4) if wife doesn't work, how to make an allowance for her personal needs and reasonable desires, 5) how to decide big-ticket purchases, etc.Think of a marriage almost as a business partnership, but with emotional and physical intimacy not found anywhere else.
I think the most important things in a marriage are: learning and respecting each others rights, trusting your spouse and discussing important issues before making big decisions that will affect the family/relationship.
The financial aspect is important, however, serious financial problems can be avoided if both spouses discussed issues and came up with solutions before the problem becomes too big to solve. So I'd say communication leads to breakdown of marriage.
But really, all marriages are different so this cant be generalised.
Experience counts for a lot and as I'm not married, what I say would have to be taken with a pinch of salt as its just speculation on my part but I think one of the most important things is, people need an actual firm resolve and commitment to make the marriage work come rain or shine to begin with, no matter what may happen to them in future (again, ignoring serious stuff like abuse, infidelity etc). E.g. husband loses his job, wife loses baby in miscarriage etc. A firm resolve to remain together would help them get through such difficult experiences.
And that's not just for the serious stuff. A firm resolve is necessary to overcome even relatively petty stuff perhaps related to character flaws or certain attributes which might come to light after marriage that one doesn't particularly like about the spouse. E.g. laziness, not willing to help out in the house, being moody or even silly stuff like not liking the way he or she talks, walks etc. Something that should not really be cause for a divorce.
With the presence of such determination along with trust in Allah, the couple can offer counsel and make plenty of dua that things get better and/or learn to live/tolerate those unchangeable aspects. Life is not meant to be rosy and we have to accept nobody is perfect. There will always be something that will nag us. Some things will take many months or even years to get better or acceptable hence patience is a necessity. Marriage is an investment of sorts so one shouldn't back out as soon as the going gets tough. Indeed, some people will find petty issues too hard to deal with. People nowadays seem to take the easy way out of a situation that isn't to their liking without fighting for it.
In addition to resolve, I imagine each party must embody most of the following qualities in their dealings with each other: Patience, selflessness, tolerance, sense of devotion to each other, good communication and forgiving nature among other such common positive attributes.
As with anything in life, above all, a proper devotion to Allah such that one doesn't overstep the boundaries (with each other).
lol, I know of some sisters who are not allowed to have FB because their husbands say so. One of my friends isnt even allowed to have pictures taken, even by her friends. Not because he believes pictures are haram, but other reasons. But, their husbands have FB lol.
Never go to bed on a argument and forgive each others little mistakes such as leaving the lid off things and not putting clothes away in the cupboard, and spend time apart so you don't suffocate each other and when you're apart you'll miss each other and then your time together will be more special. Also be understanding of each other and don't have high expectations and try to avoid criticizing each other and don't let the compliments dry up after the honeymoon period.
Don't over complicate things, and whatever she cooks all ways say "this is the best dish i've tasted" even if you think it's revolting be playful and not all ways serious, do the romantic things that the prophet (saw) would do, like when she drinks from a glass put your mouth on the same spot she did, and when she enters the room get up and offer her your chair, don't look at other women at all or comment on other women, actually talk to her and tell her how you're feeling, tell her you love her every night and don't go to sleep without saying it cos words effect a persons heart.
Value each others opinion and don't belittle something she says or does, all ways show your appreciation when she does stuff like cleaning and cooking, buy her gifts doesn't have to be expensive, but the fact you took the time out to do it means a lot, communication is key, don't hide your feelings, if your unhappy about something talk about it in a calm manner when you're both relaxed and if things start to heat up and you see an argument coming defuse the situation by making a joke or doing something silly so you both laugh and avoid the argument tell her often how much she means to you and reassure her that there's no other woman you'd rather be with than her, talk about your fears with her and open up to her, don't hide anything at all, tell her how much better life is with her in it and you never wanna go back to life without her, tell her how happy she makes you feel, just make her feel special cos she is, look at how long it took you to find her do and say these things often, real warm moments.
If you're at work all day make sure you text her at some point telling her you're thinking of her and how much you miss her and can't wait to get home to see her.
above all, all ways be understanding, there's going to be lots of times when things don't go your way learn to accept that in a mature manner, if she's too tired to cook or do something else put yourself in her shoes and understand where she's coming from. She's the love of your life, the woman who completes you and makes you feel like you can achieve anything so treat her the way she deserves and not like the house slave. Don't be a demanding dictator, sure certain things are your due right given to you by Allah but at the end of the day she's only a human and she's going to have short comings, so learn to love her short comings and you'll stay happy inshaAllah.
Also you may have lost someone in the past that you loved, and you try to draw similarities with the new person you're married to, and the person you lost in the past, this will never work because everyone is unique, you just have to learn to love again, you're never going to find someone like the person you lost, but you can find someone else who can offer you the same things and you may even be happier.
I went on a rant
Last edited by Salahudeen; 09-18-2011 at 11:15 PM.
"this is the best dish i've tasted" even if you think it's revolting
In Islamic lecture at Saturday, the lectures said "Lie to please our spouse is permissible. In example, if our wives cook food that not delicious, you can lie with tell her, that food is delicious".
That's what I did to my wife. Few years ago she cooked a food that I didn't like. And she asked me "Is it delicious ?". To please her I told her it's delicious although that food actually not delicious. She asked me again "Do you like this food ?". To please her I told her I like that food. Then she told me "Okay, I will cook food like this again for you"
Until now she often cook that food. So, I must lie, and lie again.
those same stats will tell you that financial problems is the number one reason for divorce..
Marriage is not a job. Relationship between husband and wife is different than relationship between employer and employee. Wife serve her husband not because she expect money. Husband give money to his wife not as payment for the wife service.
In job, employee can leave the employer if the employer can't afford to pay the employee. But marriage is different. Marriage is sacred ties between two persons to build a family. One pillar in building a family is loyalty. Another one from some other pillar is togetherness.
Not every husband is lucky. There are husband who get financial problem causes by lost job, or can't get better job. In this situation all the husband need is loyalty from the wife who always support him, and if necessary, looking for job too to overcome this financial problem. This is the time when the husband need his wife's support, loyalty, and love.
The only divorce because financial problem that morally acceptable is if this financial problem caused by the husband laziness.
There was a time when I was in financial difficulty, and my family lived in hard life. But my wife was never thinking to leave me, she's always loyal, and always support me. Amazing ?. No ! what she did was not amazing here. Indonesian women are great in loyalty when their husbands are in hard time.
That's why financial problem is not a reason to ask divorce in Indonesia.
Hey there! Looks like you're enjoying the discussion, but you're not signed up for an account.
When you create an account, we remember exactly what you've read, so you always come right back where you left off. You also get notifications, here and via email, whenever new posts are made. And you can like posts and share your thoughts. Sign Up
be playful and not all ways serious, do the romantic things that the prophet (saw) would do, like when she drinks from a glass put your mouth on the same spot she did, and when she enters the room get up and offer her your chair, don't look at other women at all or comment on other women, actually talk to her and tell her how you're feeling, tell her you love her every night and don't go to sleep without saying it cos words effect a persons heart.
tell her often how much she means to you and reassure her that there's no other woman you'd rather be with than her, talk about your fears with her and open up to her, don't hide anything at all, tell her how much better life is with her in it and you never wanna go back to life without her, tell her how happy she makes you feel, just make her feel special cos she is, look at how long it took you to find her 
Hide
Looks like you're enjoying the discussion, but you're not signed up for an account.
Bookmarks