Question regarding perceptions of Islamic women with western men

format_quote Originally Posted by FK1001

haha soon, insha'Allah.

Brother, I don't know if you know, but this is no laughing matter. From your post, it sounds like you live together. A Muslim person is not allowed to have boyfriends and girlfriends. If you live together and what is only allowed to happen between a married couple happens between you, outside of marriage, then that is a major sin, and the first thing you need to worry about. For you to live with her, touch her, or further than that, is not allowed. That is the real issue, that you need to do something about now (not soon), as a matter of the greatest importance and urgency. Everything else pales in significance.

Assalaamu alaikum FK,


Welcome to the Forum! I think it's very beautiful that you have discovered Islam. Please don't let the myopia of some Muslims turn you away from this Beautiful Path.


I'm also in Canada, so I have an idea of your situation. Funnily enough, my ex-husband and I had the same problem. I was a white girl, and he was from Iran. Worse, I looked way younger than I really was. White people would look at him as if he was some kind of pedophile. It was pretty uncomfortable. Especially as 26 years ago, there was less racial mixing than today.


And, unfortunately, it wasn't only the white people giving him dirty looks; My future in-laws had plenty of very negative comments to say (they were Muslim by ethnicity, it really had nothing to do with Islam, it's just that white women are perceived the world over as being as promiscuous as in the movies and TV shows)!


When we went to the masjid to marry (my initiative, and against everyone's wishes. They felt we were too young to marry, as well as racism), the person who greeted us took us aside, and, ignoring me completely, went on to talk for the next hour to my future husband about wicked white women and the corruption of pure muslim youth. It was very insulting and embarrassing. He never even asked me if I was Muslim, or check to see if this man was a good Muslim, and protect my rights. He just assumed I wasn't. But I was. A very ignorant Muslim who wanted to do what was right, knew nothing of how to do anything, and who'd hoped very much that she could learn through the masjid. We did finally marry, after I begged the Imam (another, and nicer, but busy man) to help me marry. He was kind enough to do so, and, calling two brothers from the masjid, we had a very simple Nikkah. Two weeks later, when we went to sign the civil marriage documents, the Imam said he'd had a dream, and that he'd been informed that I was a Muslim. I bowed shyly. And that was the end of that. Unfortunately, after all this, I was way too shy to go back to the masjid by myself to learn, and my husband... well, let's say he wasn't supportive of my going back there, either.


I'm relating all this to you so you can be aware that a) it's not just white you being discriminated against by “Arab” men (you're making assumptions there, you know), b)you'll probably have to deal with this in the future, too, and c)it's now much better than it was! So hang in there...


Incidentally, I did slowly learn Islam myself through the Qur'an and books, and I did eventually feel confident enough to go to other masajid. I now feel very at home, and enjoy the company of the people.(twinkle) And no one questions my Islam anymore. And if I see a woman in the masjid who looks at all hesitant, or lost, or lonely, I try to greet her, regardless of colour or apparent ethnicity, and keep my heart open to her, if she has any needs. You see, through my rather embarrassing ordeal, Allah taught me something all those years ago.


Inshallah, you can take something precious and beautiful from your experiences, too.


On another point: I understand your intended's wistful thought to take off her headscarf to blend in better. It's hard to be discriminated against. It's hard to be looked at like that. And sometimes, you feel like a target. Because, well, you are. As a woman in a headscarf, you get grilled on everything that people don't like about what they think is Islam, politics in the middle east, and why you permit yourself to be degraded and humiliated like this. Not to mention certain creeps driving by in cars who like to yell at women. People in Muslim-majority countries really don't understand the dynamics of Canada.


But I'd say, again, hang in there. The more headscarves are seen, the more normal they become. They are an excellent way to gently combat discrimination. Perhaps she could imagine herself as a modern Rosa Parks, refusing to go to the back of the bus. The older generation tend to be more decided in their views, but the younger... look at infants and small children... their wide, observing eyes are taking everything in. Smile at their parents and them, no matter what sour looks they may have. Small deeds can make big differences, though we rarely know it. And you want to prepare the future for your Muslim children, right? Also, surrendering yourself to Allah is a struggle. This discomfort is part of the struggle. Remember that you are doing it for Him... that it is an act of worship. Struggling on His Path is not easy...but if you surrender yourself to Him, the discomfort fades… into deep harmony.


Finally, you know, you can do a Nikkah, but without consummating the marriage until you feel ready (I'm assuming that you are both decent Muslims and are not living together). I know people who have done this. And it works. Like that, you can date and get to know each other (as well as have time to get a nice wedding arranged!), but be 100% halal. Because if you have a Nikkah, you are married. But if you decide that you're not suitable together, you can divorce relatively easily. And if you accidentally go further than you planned... well, you're covered (though you'll have to do the wedding party as soon as possible, to let people know).


Nikkah's don't have to be terribly complicated things to get together. It's just a witnessed contract. You can take your time for the civil papers and party plans after.


Like that, (smile) if anyone stares,you can politely ask them why are you are looking at my wife?!


Anyway, May Allah Bless you both and keep you firm in your faith. Difficulties, I believe, are Gifts from the Compassionate to help us grow and learn.