Marriage: my parents are apperently not able to find one. (OP)
I am genuinely struggling with getting married. I am intending to do so, since a couple of years. I haven't been able, my parents haven't been supporting me. By the way, I am male. Now, some years later, they was looking for a good wife but they don't know anyone "good", that fits into my criteria. I am really doubting my parents are capable to find a woman. They are practising but they don't practise in the way of Quran and Sunnah to one hundred per cent (who does?, other question); Their arguing is really weird when it comes to criteria of a certain woman.
I don't expect a perfect sister, so I am aware of there is no one perfect except Allah. But I am getting older, I want to start studying next year, really don't know how to proceed. I want to do everything in accordance with Quran and Sunnah, but it's difficult, when your surrounding (parents) have not this idea. Actually they have, but it weird, they think they're doing right, but they obviously aren't.
May I take these matters in one's hand?
Fact is, I NEED to get married. But there are so many doubts. Am I mature enough? Will I be able to feed my wife (I know Allah provides us with risk, however will she be satisfied)? Have I gained enough knowledge? Will I be able to give her all rights? How will I deal with when she doesn't obey Allah and Rasulallah. Am I able to obey them? My Iman goes really up and down.
I don't want make it difficult but it's even difficult to talk about it. I think I am kind of shy when it comes to girls and marriage. I don't like to talk with my parents about that or anyone else. How is it in your case? Do you have issues in that regard either?
I think it's time to make my position clear - I've been trying to get married since 2004, Eleven years on and after a few broken engagements - I feel hopeless and therefore, don't feel I have it in my destiny. I have become somewhat bitter about the whole thing and therefore, will be of no use to any woman until I can resolve these issues within myself first - problem is, I've gotten used to being alone, and I like my own company.
I'm also 40 this year.
Although many of you will say "don't lose hope" and "I know someone who married at the age of *enter age here*" etc etc etc... try being in my position, and maintaining a positive outlook - the reality is, opportunities for someone of my age run thin in this regard, and I have faced up to the facts, and have learnt to accept them.
if it is not in my destiny, then it simply won't happen - if Allah has other plans despite how I feel - then it will. Simple.
Scimi
The question is Are you actively looking for a spouse?
or have you given up?
if it's the former and you end up not getting married, then at least you tried,
if it's the latter, your only compounding your problems,
Re: Marriage: my parents are apperently not able to find one.
format_quote Originally Posted by keiv
People who want to get married should.
People who don't want to get married shouldn't until they're ready.
No one should get married if they aren't committed to it, but only do so because other people tell them they need to. It makes no sense at all and it's not fair to the person you're getting married to. Being married does not prevent you from looking at others or doing the unthinkable and being single does not mean you're more prone to doing those things either.
Go pay a visit to the advice forums on here and other Islamic sites if you want proof.
Our opinions are irrelevant,
Allah ta'ala describes Marriage as a Protection, and the Rasul says it's very effective in Lowering the gaze and guarding ones modesty,
the longer you remain single the more prone you are too Fahisha,
Re: Marriage: my parents are apperently not able to find one.
I think this is also a common problem with the reverts; specially those whose live in the culture where parents don´t look for wife/husband to their children but they are suppoused to looking for them by themselves.
From Occupied Palestine:
We have suffered too much for too long. We will not accept apartheid masked as peace. We will settle for no less than our freedom.
Re: Marriage: my parents are apperently not able to find one.
format_quote Originally Posted by ardianto
Parents find a wife for the son actually is cultural. I know, you come from culture where arranged marriage is very common and you want your parents arrange a marriage for you. Unfortunately they cannot do it, and it makes you feel disappointed. The thread title shows that you blame your parents for it.
No, no, bro. Do not blame your parents, and do not depend on your parents. You can ask other people to find a girl who expect to have a husband, then you and your parents come to her home, talk to her and her parents that you have interest to marry her. Yes, you must dare to talk, and you must dare to face the risk of rejection. You cannot just stay at home and expect for parents to arrange a marriage for you because seem like it will not happen.
Have you gained enough knowledge?. What knowledge that you mean?. Islamic knowledge?. I am sure that you already have enough knowledge, and I believe that you are a good Muslims. I know, there are girls who say that they expect future husband who is hafiz. My advice is, avoid girl like this. It's better if you propose marriage to pious girl who is humble, who does not expect something high from the future husband.
What you should do is develop yourself to become a man who has high responsibility, have good politeness, can treat the wife well, etc. So it will make you deserve to be accepted as husband. And the girl and her parent will know that you are a good man who deserve to be accepted as husband, only if you meet and talk with them.
Firstly, I apologize for my late reply; had literally much to to last days :-(
Nonetheless, I want to say: I don't blame my parents for not being able find a wife for me. What I say is, I am kind of hopeless because my parents come with woman who don't fit into my mindset. I don't expect much, so I am aware of that I am not one who deserves a wife with a lot of Islamic knowledge and perfect character (I know, probably there is no such thing as perfect, when it comes to human being. Expect our prophet sas.). However there are some parts I really attach value to simple characteristic attitudes like being honest, not to speak behind other people, want to life in harmony without arguing.
Indeed, in my culture it's really like parents look for a wife for their children, but I am living in the west and here very very low people practise that. Generally, you go and it actually doesn't matter you're married or not, you do everything what married people do. So my surrounding is very open minded and insists that I look for a woman or ask me whether I know someone.
As I mentioned prior, I thought this is not permissible in Islam. So, I did know, if you see a woman you're interested in, you can go to her mahram and talk to him. However, my problem is I've not enough self conciousness, due to my leak of islamic knowledge. Yes, I read several book and have probably listened to more than 100 lectures in the last few years but I am nonetheless not knowledgeable. It's getting more worse: My Iman genuinely fluctuates; I don't have any doubts in the religion of Islam but my natural desire stops me sometimes to fulfil my Islamic duties. This is worse! Hence, I don't know how to proceed: Gaining knowledge -> getting married. Realistic I cannot assess whether I am far from zina or not. I have been really good in lowering gaze I never spoke to woman when not absolutely necessary. Nowadays, I cannot control it. I remember death but it doesn't hold me. It's hard to describe, I fear Allah but in the same time it's like my creator is far away from me. It feels like indifference. That clearly show me, I probably am not able to get married because apparently I am not able to accomplish this test of Allah. It's weak and I don't like weakness when it comes to duties in regard to religion.
I control myself not to speak to woman in my studying environment or in job but especially in "school" I am not able to do so anymore and my thoughts go really in a worse direction for what I feel a bit of shame. I have been fighting against this natural desires since - I guess - four or five years. Probably longer. It's an really odd feeling when you have those feeling and their is no light in the end of the tunnel. I am really tried being patient and I won't stop to continue and deal with this desires but it's becoming harder and harder..
Re: Marriage: my parents are apperently not able to find one.
format_quote Originally Posted by saif-uddin
Marriage is Sunnah,
we not entitled to reject it, as stated in Ahadith.
also Marriage makes it easier to Lower ones gaze and Guard ones Modesty and Satisfy ones desires in a Halaal way,
Rasulullah said the Greatest Treasure a Man can attain in Dunya, is a Pious Wife(after Imaan of course)
choose your spoused based on Deen and Akhlaq/Character brothers and sisters and you won't have headaches and heartaches,
insha'allah
format_quote Originally Posted by saif-uddin
I was referring to people who don't want to get married, such people are asking for trouble,
secondly Lowering our Gaze and Guarding our Modesty is directly related to Marriage,
Marriage allows one to direct their Sexual desires in a Halaal way,
If you block out the Halaal (Forbid marriage for yourself) then you will inevitabely be more suseptible to fall into the Sin of Zina, whether this is of the eyes, tongue, limbs,
Nauzubillah min zaliq.
Allah ta'ala describes the Husband and Wife as a Shield/Protection against Munkar/Fahisha for each other ...
Surah Baqarah Ayah 187
-----------------------------
"...They are your garments and you are their garments..."
The function of a garment is to protect and conceal,
Rasulullah also said ...
Ibn Mas‘ood who said: We were with the Prophet young men who had nothing of wealth. The Messenger of Allah said to us: “O young men, whoever among you can afford it, let him get married, for it is more effective in lowering the gaze and guarding one’s chastity. And whoever cannot afford it should fast, for it will be a shield for him.”
[narrated in Sahih Al-Bukhaari (5066) and Muslim (1400)]
Marriage has a direct connection to LOwering our gaze and Guarding our Modesty,
Choose your spouses based on Deen and Character, and you find that it greatly helps in Lowering our gaze, minimising Zina of the yes, tongue and limbs/Guarding our modesty.
format_quote Originally Posted by saif-uddin
Our opinions are irrelevant,
Allah ta'ala describes Marriage as a Protection, and the Rasul says it's very effective in Lowering the gaze and guarding ones modesty,
the longer you remain single the more prone you are too Fahisha,
enough said.
My post was based on a matter of fact not opinion.
Again, being married does NOT prevent you from looking around or even engaging in any kind of act with the opposite sex. That is not my opinion. It's up to the individual to be disciplined and not put themselves in that situation to begin with, married or not, as Schimitar pointed out earlier.
Getting married may be effective, but it is not the answer. If getting married specifically for the reason of relieving onself of their sexual desires then, as you said, such people are asking for trouble.
From what I gathered, the OP stated two of his problems in finding a spouse. One is the fact that he has certain standards that he feels none of the potentials lived up to without really knowing them. The second is the fact that he's self concious. The brother clearly desires to get married, but is struggling based on things he himself has to learn to get over.
For those that don't have a desire at all to get married, what's the answer? Force yourself to go through it and pray for the best? Be realistic. People know themselves better than anyone else. If a person whose single who has no desire to get married and is living their lives just fine, then let them be.
Re: Marriage: my parents are apperently not able to find one.
format_quote Originally Posted by Scimitar
I don't think a woman like that exists in this day and age... they all want to argue, and I have adrenaline problems, so I probably won't ever get married Allahu Alam... hitting 40 soon, whatever... it is what it is.
Re: Marriage: my parents are apperently not able to find one.
format_quote Originally Posted by ardianto
Actually lowering gaze and guard the modesty have nothing to do with marriage. There are men who still cannot guard his gaze and always tease other women although they have married. In another side there are unmarried men who are good in lowering gaze and guard modesty.
Is marriage sunnah?. Yes, and we must follow this sunnah. But there is difference between people who don't want to get married, and people who want to get married but always failed.
Aastagfiruallah, so you are saying you never wanted to kiss a girl? Never the desire arose in your heart to stare at beautiful women?
If these feelings have already arisen inside you, then marriage is obligatory. If not, then you need a health checkup.
Once you are married you are less likely to commit zinaa.
Re: Marriage: my parents are apperently not able to find one.
Ibn Qudaamah (may Allah have mercy on him) said in his book al-Mughni:
“Our colleagues differed as to whether marriage is obligatory. The best-known opinion in our madhhab is that it is not obligatory, except when a person is afraid of committing a forbidden deed if he does not marry. In that case he should make himself chaste (i.e. get married). This is the opinion of the majority of fuqahaa’.”
Re: Marriage: my parents are apperently not able to find one.
Narrated Anas bin Malik (r.a.):
A group of three men came to the houses of the wives of the Prophet asking how the Prophet worshipped (Allah), and when they were informed about that, they considered their worship insufficient and said, “Where are we from the Prophet as his past and future sins have been forgiven.” Then one of them said, “I will offer the prayer throughout the night forever.”
The other said, “I will fast throughout the year and will not break my fast.” The third said, “I will keep away from the women and will not marry forever.” Allah’s Apostle came to them and said, “Are you the same people who said so-and-so? By Allah, I am more submissive to Allah and more afraid of Him than you; yet I fast and break my fast, I do sleep and I also marry women. So he who does not follow my tradition in religion, is not from me (not one of my followers).”
Re: Marriage: my parents are apperently not able to find one.
format_quote Originally Posted by Vlad
Aastagfiruallah, so you are saying you never wanted to kiss a girl? Never the desire arose in your heart to stare at beautiful women?
If these feelings have already arisen inside you, then marriage is obligatory. If not, then you need a health checkup.
Once you are married you are less likely to commit zinaa.
The reason why I still not remarry until now is because I see my children still haven't able to accept new woman beside me.
Never knew you were married before, anyway you portrayed marriage as a casual relationship. Scholars say that your soul nourishment depend upon two things, Zaikurallah and Marriage.
Here we have you demeaning marriage like;
"Actually lowering gaze and guard the modesty have nothing to do with marriage."
Re: Marriage: my parents are apperently not able to find one.
format_quote Originally Posted by Vlad
Never knew you were married before, anyway you portrayed marriage as a casual relationship. Scholars say that your soul nourishment depend upon two things, Zaikurallah and Marriage.
Here we have you demeaning marriage like;
"Actually lowering gaze and guard the modesty have nothing to do with marriage."
What makes a man able to lower his gaze and guard his modesty is self motivation, not marriage. If a man doesn't have motivation to guard his modesty, then after he got married he still would not able to guard his modesty. Not different than lazy man who has no motivation to eliminate his laziness. After he got married he would still lazy.
But if a man has motivation to guard his modesty, even before he got married has able to guard his modesty.
Re: Marriage: my parents are apperently not able to find one.
format_quote Originally Posted by ardianto
What makes a man able to lower his gaze and guard his modesty is self motivation, not marriage. If a man doesn't have motivation to guard his modesty, then after he got married he still would not able to guard his modesty. Not different than lazy man who has no motivation to eliminate his laziness. After he got married he would still lazy.
But if a man has motivation to guard his modesty, even before he got married has able to guard his modesty.
Wrong, marriage plays an important part in changing the behaviour of man.
Re: Marriage: my parents are apperently not able to find one.
format_quote Originally Posted by Vlad
Never knew you were married before, anyway you portrayed marriage as a casual relationship. Scholars say that your soul nourishment depend upon two things, Zaikurallah and Marriage.
Here we have you demeaning marriage like;
"Actually lowering gaze and guard the modesty have nothing to do with marriage."
Hmm, I have made a mistake which confusing you. I think I should write "Actually ability of lowering gaze and guard the modesty have nothing to do with marriage".
I forgot to write "ability of". No wonder if you were confused with my previous statement.
format_quote Originally Posted by Vlad
Wrong, marriage plays an important part in changing the behaviour of man.
Only if this man has motivation to change himself.
Re: Marriage: my parents are apperently not able to find one.
And early marriage(not child marriage) will completely eradicate that boyfriend/girlfriend culture, marraige is there to instill that motivation not other way around.
Re: Marriage: my parents are apperently not able to find one.
format_quote Originally Posted by ardianto
Only if this man has motivation to change himself.
That motivation is repressed in your average male, who even at the age of 20 thinks that he is too young to get married. Emotions for opposite gender are natural, and Islam provide a Halal way to make them come true. The longer you delay your marriage, you're more likely to commit sins. By the time het gets married, he probably doesn't even know what modesty is, and that later affect his marriage life.
Re: Marriage: my parents are apperently not able to find one.
Assalaamu alaikum,
I agree with Vlad that marriage tends to help people mature (twinkle. especially children!). But I also agree with Ardianto that marriage in and of itself will not cause a person to behave in a moral manner. The motivation to restrain oneself comes from within. (sigh) Vlad, you know, there are enough unfaithful spouses to prove the point… (smile) and chaste singles...
Still, I do feel that is is easier to restrain oneself if you are married. And I also agree that is is better to marry earlier (within limits) rather than later, if possible. Because I feel that marriage is a very important aspect of our spiritual development, not just a means of protecting one's chastity. And also because you are more likely to develop a healthy close relationship with your spouse if you have not become used to superficial relationships, it seems to me.
May Allah, the Unique, Help us to find spouses we can connect with who help us get closer to Him.
Re: Marriage: my parents are apperently not able to find one.
format_quote Originally Posted by MuslimInshallah
Assalaamu alaikum,
Vlad, you know, there are enough unfaithful spouses to prove the point… (smile) and chaste singles...
I understand where you're coming from, society in general is to blame for the unfaithfulness, nor i am saying that there won't be any unfaithfulness if you enforced Islamic social values. People comitted crimes even at the time of Rasool Allah, but appropriate actions were taken to stop them. Never in the past Islamic societies faced the problems of immodesty and indecency, early marriages and polygamy were the main reason behind that.
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says it's very effective in Lowering the gaze and guarding ones modesty,
who said: We were with the Prophet 
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