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  1. #1
    a316g's Avatar
    brightness_1
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    To hold on or let go?

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    Background:
    Been a part of eachother's life for 7years now since early teens, she was 3 years younger. (before you condemn me, there has been no zina or anything, not justifying being together though). She is the best thing that happened to me and she is a good person and a muslim. She honestly changed me and made me a better person and a better Muslim and in that sense thats exactly the person you want to marry and spend your life with.
    Some more context, she is well off, I am from an upper middle class background(think: her dad has earned 5x more than mine has each year for the past 20). Lifestyles are similar yet hers is obviously more lavish but thats never come between us.

    Now:
    I'm 24, have a stable but low-paying job in my home country, I have known I will never be able to afford marrying her if I dont move abroad and luckily my parents want the same. I will be going for my masters this year to U.S and graduating in 2022, she will be finishing undergrad the same year. We are at the stage of having told our mothers and ready to potentially be engaged before I leave with plans for nikkah end of 2022 once i get a job and an apartment for her.

    That was the plan, it always has been.
    But moving abroad was not her first choice, she is super close to her family unlike me, so it is a compromise for her. Also, she will not be able to work being my F1 dependent while im on my opt in U.S so thats another compromise.
    We were talking about stuff and she decides since she cant work, will be away from family she wants a baby soon after marriage in like the first year(this is new, previous plan was to wait 1.5-2years) and its non-negotiable since she cant make more compromises.

    Going to U.S and working hard was my way of having enough to afford her lifestyle, I was sure of that that I would have enough to keep her happy. Although I wouldnt be stable in anyway still on my student visa for work permit, 26, not even H1B visa unless God helps with that. and post-grad school would be me starting over.
    But, the thought of having a child in the middle of all that; a year out of grad school still at the start of my career with barely any savings - having a wife stable yes but not a baby stable. I do not want to bring a human into this world in such instability and lack of financial security. Its freaking me out soo bad since we had this conversation. There's no way I can be sure of being able to provide realistically.

    I tried to tell her but we fought and she says she expected me to be excited about it, its non-negotiable for her to the point where if its a no for me then its over for us.

    Now I'm stuck and honestly soo stressed and freaking out. On one hand its her the person I want to spend my life with who is good for me and everything I ever want, on the other the whole expectation of having a baby and being able to afford one which It doesnt seem like i realistically would be able to.

    What do I do? Accept the situation with the uncertainty and tell that to her or let her go because I might not be able to keep her happy lifestyle wise.

    Is doing an istikhara valid in this situation. please help this has me stressing so bad.
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  3. #2
    *charisma*'s Avatar
    brightness_1
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    Re: To hold on or let go?

    Assalamu Alaikum

    You should 100% pray istikhara. You can always turn to Allah when you are unsure of something.

    With that being said, there are two issues that I feel neither of you are ready to face:

    1. Poverty
    2. CHildren

    Working/Living in the US will not guarantee you a great lifestyle. You may actually struggle. That does not mean you are not worth marrying though, so you have to think about whether poverty/ not having a certain lifestyle is going to EVER be a problem in the course of your marriage. Because even if you're fine in the US, you never know what will happen in the future. You want someone to be there with you through the rough times just as the good times. Think about it.

    And regarding children, again you don't know what will happen. You might have a child beyond your control, so if it does occur you need to be calm and consider it a blessing. I think the financial worries are stressing you out more than the having kids because you're afraid you wont be able to support your wife in the way that you want, which is an unsettling feeling to have and the reason you don't feel ready to have children yet. Unfortunately you want and need some reassurance from her end that she will stick with you in any situation and you probably don't feel like you have that from her.

    You can also think about other options, for example she can live with her family until you graduate, and you can visit her when you're able. Or you can delay the whole marriage proposal until your doubts are cleared, but I don't think you should enter marriage with doubts, uncertainties, pressure, or unease until they have been cleared completely. If she's not the right one then you'll just have to move on. Follow your logic.
    Last edited by *charisma*; 1 Week Ago at 06:31 PM.
    To hold on or let go?

    D e a t h

    is the easiest
    of all things after it
    ; ;

    the hardest
    of all things before it
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  4. #3
    Revert alYunani's Avatar
    brightness_1
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    Re: To hold on or let go?

    Dont worry brother,nobody is going to condemn you.While it doesnt justifies it being together with a girl,some of us have a really hard life and we really crave someone to support us mentally.We dont live in a islamic society and we arent all mumeen,we are weak,and nobody has the right to condemn anybody about this,only Allah,as only He knows really what you feel,but i congratulate you for being strong enough to not make zinnah or cross the limits despite those feelings.

    ''it is non negotiable since she cant make more compromisses''.People either marry using their minds,they spot a good person who will fit with them and make them better,or they marry cuz of love.In the first case you can make compromisses,and nikkah its basically a contract in the end,its like bussines,you both profit.But in the second case,if you marry cuz of love,you wont care how many compromisses you make,you would do everything to be with that person.So i dont know,does this girls really love you? does she love you the way you love her?

    wow non negotiable to the point where if its a no from you then its over??... again,does she really love you?

    But i dont understand,you want to go to usa to be able to afford to marry her,yet in usa you will be worst than you are here,a student caring about a wife and a child.What will you do first,take care of her,study,pray,take care of the child,work? what? you have to be superman and if you make it,is she really worth all this? If she cant sacrifice a little for you,why would you sacrifice so much for her?
    A woman who is good for you is someone who makes your life easier,not harder.The right one for you would understand you,and if she really loved you and wanted to be with you,it wouldnt matter much for her if you go to usa or not.

    In my opinion,go to usa,study well and get a good job,settle your life and then,search for smn in usa or back home,smn good who will benefit you in dunya and religion.I have been in kinda the same situation,i was in love with a nonmuslim girl because she had helped me and was by my side when everybody left me,and i had to leave her for Allah and suffered a lot,but now i am slowly realising the benefits of letting it go.Allah will not take something away from you without replacing it with something better.This girl has served her purpose,she was with you all these years,and now she showed you the way in your future.I think its time to let go.Focus on religion and your studies,and you will be succesful.From my exp,i dont think its even worth trying to reach a compromisse,you dont know if you will ever be richer than her father and you dont know how she will react living a poor life,if she cant compromisse anymore now,imagine later.But thats what i think and what i would do,and thats my opinion.

    ofc doing istikhara is valid in this situation,this is a perfect situation for istikhara
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  5. #4
    BeTheChange's Avatar
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    Re: To hold on or let go?

    Asalamualykum

    I personally wouldn't recommend delaying having children because noone knows they fertility situation. If you have problems from a fertility perspective an early diagnosis and early treatment is obviously better.

    Usually the advice is after marriage in this day and age you would wait to determine whether the spouse is parental worthy however in your case if you have been with your potential partner and you know she's the one then insha Allah you don't need to follow this advice.

    Tbh everything is possible but we just need to sort out our priorities and decide on what means more to us. What pleases Allah swt?

    As sis Charisma advised explore your options. Number 1 should be to get married. No point in committing sins if you know shes the one. Get married. Wife can live with her parents for some time whilst you finish your studies and she can also get pregnant insha Allah. You'll hear it time after time compromise is key on BOTH sides. Don't live to regret your decisions.





    May Allah swt make easy for you all. Ameen.
    To hold on or let go?

    Pain and hardships allow you to grow spiritually Alhamdulilah so smile when a so called calamity befalls upon you.
    Alhamdulilah Allah swt is the greatest.
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