Wife and Father not getting along

format_quote Originally Posted by Endo

Asalaamualikum brothers/sisters

I am really depressed. My wife and I got married last year and she came to live with me
in UK in March this year. I decided to live with my parents and take care of them with my wife. I know my wife has no duty towards my parents but it's just considered a good deed for her to assist in helping me take care of them.

Around May there was a problem my wife was having with the way the house was being run by my mother. She ignored her the whole day and gave a cold shoulder. I tried to ask her what's wrong, she said nothing to me. My mother noticed that she was ignoring her. I asked my wife to please just talk to my mother and not give her the cold shoulder. My wife said she just needs time to calm herself down. I told my mother nothing was wrong and my wife again didn't respond to her, as she was looking for some words from her. My father got involved, as my mother was crying and worried, why my wife was doing this. The next morning my father asked me to bring my wife to him and my mother to discuss the issue. My wife didn't fully respond in a respectful way and my father got very angry and abused her with very harsh words and even abused my wife's mother. My father shouted at me to take my wife. I took her outside and requested her to apologise to my parents. My wife was confused and hesitant. She cried and did what I asked. However after this incident my wife has always found me a weak man who couldn't protect her. My wife told her own mother about the harsh words used and also the misunderstood words by my father of kicking her out of the house (this he did not say as he kicked us both out).

Now recently another issue happened, where my wife was disrespectful to my father as he asked her, why her mood was sad. She responded she was fine and didn't want to sit with him and went away. She was traumatised by the previous incident, but my father took it rudely. I told my wife what she did was rude and if she can just apologise or talk to my father please. She got emotional even more and the next day told her mother the whole incident. She had been telling her mother how depressed she's been and sad. My parents decided to send my wife back to her parents for awhile so that she can rest and relax and come back with a fresh mind. I also agreed. My wife didn't want to do that as she wanted to stay with me. I spoke to my wifes mother and she also spoke to my mother. Things didn't help and other relatives also got involved.

My father again abused my wife for telling her mother, which made everything spread in common relatives. My wife regrets this too, but after this abuse, she also really hates my father for not controlling his anger. She says I'm weak again and that I should get financially independent and leave my parents too. My father has also said that he will help me get my house and he doesn't need me or my wife. This way of leaving my parents doesn't seem good to me. My wife hates my father, but my father considers her a young girl, who just needs guidance, but his way of shouting at her and showing anger makes my wife upset and hate him. My father after calming down always talks softly with my wife, but she loses trust in him. I just need some input from you guys on this issue, as its making me very depressed.

Jazakallah

Selamün aleyküm,

I am going to assume that everyone in this case has good intentions. But, even when that is the case, not everyone can get along with everyone...you already experienced that.
especially the relationship between a woman and her parents in law is extra sensitive.
Pushing the idea to live in the same house is going to do serious damage to your marriage AND to your relationship with your parents (my honoust opinion)

I think it is good to talk to everyone and decide to get your own appartment where you can still look after your parents, and you can give your wife a place where she can be in peace.
That is what I would do in your case.

example about my own experience:

I would not be able to live with my father in law either if I had to. He is just too much of an authoritarian for me. I always have to settle with his decision even though it is totally unlogical.
Last time he got upset with me because I told him his Salaat-direction was off by 30 degrees or so...
He prays in that direction for years and could not accept it and therefore got angry with me.
We even called the imam of a mosque who kind of confirmed my claim, and still he wouldn't accept.

I must say, the man is 84 years old, so I do not push it...but still...I do struggle with myself and sometimes it is not that easy.
So that is why I do understand your wife.


So again, get your own place to live. Explain your parents why. They will understand.
Good luck.