Abusive parents

[AnonymousPoster]

Since my birth I was abused verbally and phyiscally by both of my parents. I try to pray all my salah and practice Islam as much as I can. But the problem is I dont love my parents especially my dad. There are times I dont talk to my dad for a month. They still bully me verbally I don't know why but my parents are really immature. Now probably alot of you went through the same or close to what I went through. To give you overview of my life ever since I can remeber me and my siblings use to hide when my dad came home. My dad use to beat my mom then beat all of us. My dad verbally assaults us like a bully swearing and teasing. My mom is not that great either she use to beat us and pick on us. One time my school called my parents to ask them if I were being beaten at home my dad denied it and so did my mom and they told me not to say anything. As soon as I turned 15 my dad asked me to work I use to work 30hrs a week and school and give all my money to my dad. After high school I worked full time while giving all the money to my dad. My parents picked on me saying why didnt I become engineer or doctor like the other kids and make my parents proud. None of my brothers or sisters went to university or college. We all did some part time courses while working because my dad makes us work full time. So from taking beating every day to working in a crappy job giving all the money to my dad and taking his and my mom abuse. I am kind of fed up of life. I feel helpless yes I pray daily and fast and believe in Allah. Can I leave my parents and move away?

 

[Santoku]

Since my birth I was abused verbally and phyiscally by both of my parents. I try to pray all my salah and practice Islam as much as I can. But the problem is I dont love my parents especially my dad. There are times I dont talk to my dad for a month. They still bully me verbally I don't know why but my parents are really immature. Now probably alot of you went through the same or close to what I went through. To give you overview of my life ever since I can remeber me and my siblings use to hide when my dad came home. My dad use to beat my mom then beat all of us. My dad verbally assaults us like a bully swearing and teasing. My mom is not that great either she use to beat us and pick on us. One time my school called my parents to ask them if I were being beaten at home my dad denied it and so did my mom and they told me not to say anything. As soon as I turned 15 my dad asked me to work I use to work 30hrs a week and school and give all my money to my dad. After high school I worked full time while giving all the money to my dad. My parents picked on me saying why didnt I become engineer or doctor like the other kids and make my parents proud. None of my brothers or sisters went to university or college. We all did some part time courses while working because my dad makes us work full time. So from taking beating every day to working in a crappy job giving all the money to my dad and taking his and my mom abuse. I am kind of fed up of life. I feel helpless yes I pray daily and fast and believe in Allah. Can I leave my parents and move away?

That is a hard road that you have there, can I ask how old you are? I cannot give a muslim answer, but my practical answer is get out and away, it is hard to do but it is the only way that I can see. I know that the bible says honour your father and your mother, that was drummed into me as a child but fortunately they made it easy. I am fairly sure that Allah/the Qu'ran never meant you to suffer like this, a God worth his salt is not unjust.

 

[zakirs]

I am very sorry.I hope your life gets better soon..Ill remember in my duas.

yeah how old are you bro/sis.

 

[aadil77]

Bro you should go to a masjid and get some advice, they will give you your best options islamically; whether you're allowed to move out, stop giving money to parents etc.

Do something about it, speak to someone knowledgable in islam and go from there

InshAllah things should work out ok for you, (from the sounds of it) you've been obedient to your parents all these years in which there is great reward so either way you're doing good

 

[markislam]

move away from the home and start living on your own if you can, at the same time to respect your parents, do ask the imam he would be able to give a good advice

 

[Uthman]

:wasalamex

I'm generally not very good at giving advice but I feel I must share a few very important ahadeeth/Athaar with you. I do realise that they are easier said than done but try your level best, have patience, and remember that your reward is with Allah (subhaanahu wa ta'aala). Here goes.

1. Try your best not to disobey or anger your parents, even if they treat you unjustly.

Ibn 'Abbas said, "If any Muslim obeys Allah regarding his parents, Allah will open two gates of the Garden for him. If there is only one parent, then one gate will be opened. If one of them is angry, then Allah will not be pleased with him until that parent is pleased with him." He was asked, "Even if they wrong him?" "Even if they wrong him" he replied.
​

The scholars say that you should obey your parents as long it does not entail disobedience to Allah. This is all within reason of course - you can't just let them continue beating you.

2. Whatever you do, don't sever ties of kinship.

Abu Hurayra said, "A man came to the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, and said, 'Messenger of Allah! I have relatives with whom I maintain ties while they cut me off. I am good to them while they are bad to me. They behave foolishly towards me while I am forbearing towards them.' The Prophet said, 'If things are as you said, it is as if you were putting hot ashes on them and you will not lack a supporter against them from Allah as long as you continue to do that.'"

'A'isha reported that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "Kinship (rahim) is derived from Allah. If anyone maintains ties of kinship Allah maintains ties with him. If anyone cuts them off, Allah cuts him off." (All narrations taken from Al Adab al Mufrad)
​

That's not to say that you can't live in another house, but don't cut off ties with them completely. Also, have a look at this thread.

Btw are your parents Muslim?

 

[Muhaba]

It depends on where you are living, how much you are earning, how old you are etc.
If you live in a good area, are earning enough to support yourself, and are old enough, then moving away might be the right thing.

Also, why exactly do you want to move, because of the beating or because your dad takes all of your money? If it's because of the beating, that is, if your father still beats you now that you are an adult, then moving might be right but if it's because of giving all of your money to your parents, then it might not be the best since your living expenses will increase.

And what about your other siblings, what will happen to them? Can several of you move away together?

If you decide to move, do it in a way that doesn't show that you are parting with your family because of anger or something. Maybe you could find a better paying job a bit far and use that as an excuse. Or you can move closer to work and tell your parents that this way it makes life easier for you and you will be able to work better and might get a promotion which will mean higher pay etc.

After you move, continue to support your parents (and visit them often) but also save a portion of your money for your future. Tell your other sibs as well to save a portion of their money and explain to your parents that it's important to save some money for the future, marriages, etc. If your parents insist on taking all of your money, then it would be best not to tell them exactly how much you are earning.

Finally, before making any moves, always do istikhaara. Sometimes a person moves away from family but ends up with bad company and starts doing wrong things like drinking, drugs etc which messes up their life even more, so you don't want that.

May Allah make life easier for you.

 

[cat eyes]

first of all guys, hold on we don't know what age she is so moving out might be dangerous for her...where she will go and who she will live with?? yea your situation sounds all to familiar to me. but i think you should stick it out till you finish school. the mental abuse is especially not healthy for any child. speak with a counselor at your school about the problems at home in the mean time to get you through things and go to your local mosque and explain your situation to a qualified imam. go with a mahram! inshallaah he will be able to guide you on this serious matter at home.

 

[markislam]

Is the poster a she, then i advice please talk to your imam and do things wisely, do istikara prayer , Allah will answer your prayers.

 

[abu_musab461]

By Allah (swt) if my father beat me with his shoe, i would bite my tongue and i still show him the love, mercy and honor him, and respect he deserves and never raise my voice over his.

Or walk on the streets in front of him.

My father worked hard late night so that we can live in ease ( but we never appreciated it as children, complaining about the small pocket money),

he slept a few hours so we can sleep in comfortable beds (and even then we would not let him sleep with our noise), and went hungy some night so we can eat during the day (and we still complained they didnt buy us sweets).

He used to burn his arms as a tandoori chef just so we can be get medical treatment when fell down or hurt.

You can never pay back your parents for what they did to raise you.

You only understand when you have children and go through what they have been for the last 20 odd years

But if he was to insult Allah or His messenger or this deen then he will find me firm in the defense of them.

but with the best words- like the example of Ibrahim with his father.

 

[Rasema]

Assalamu Alikum

All I can tell you is to read the Qur'an and the hadeedths. I find hadeeths very helpful in hardships. Always remember Allah's subHana wa Ta'ala's blessings. Make dua to Allah, trust in him, be obedient to his commands and he'll open doors for you. Remember as the Quran says that after every difficulty a relief comes.

May Allah strenghten you and ease the path for you. Ameen

Do you have older brothers and sisters?

I'm not saying that you move to them. Is there anybody you can go to to get an advice from?
Is it possible for you to talk to an imam?

If an imam tells your family that you complained, will they get angry?

Be very careful.

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

i have nothing to advice you from an Islamic perspective as i don't know what you should do in such a situation. however, i will tell you to be as patient and as kind to them even if they are oppression. them oppressing you, doesn't give you the license to rebel against them as long as they tell you to do things which are permissible.

concerning your mother being against you, i don't think she intends to or wants to, but becuase your father is her provider i think she feels she needs to take his side, as she would have nowhere to go, etc if she was to go against his word so she is stuck in the emotional "trap" she is in.

Bro you should go to a masjid and get some advice, they will give you your best options islamically; whether you're allowed to move out, stop giving money to parents etc.

Do something about it, speak to someone knowledgable in islam and go from there

agreed...

 

[AnonymousPoster]

Since my birth I was abused verbally and phyiscally by both of my parents. I try to pray all my salah and practice Islam as much as I can. But the problem is I dont love my parents especially my dad. There are times I dont talk to my dad for a month. They still bully me verbally I don't know why but my parents are really immature. Now probably alot of you went through the same or close to what I went through. To give you overview of my life ever since I can remeber me and my siblings use to hide when my dad came home. My dad use to beat my mom then beat all of us. My dad verbally assaults us like a bully swearing and teasing. My mom is not that great either she use to beat us and pick on us. One time my school called my parents to ask them if I were being beaten at home my dad denied it and so did my mom and they told me not to say anything. As soon as I turned 15 my dad asked me to work I use to work 30hrs a week and school and give all my money to my dad. After high school I worked full time while giving all the money to my dad. My parents picked on me saying why didnt I become engineer or doctor like the other kids and make my parents proud. None of my brothers or sisters went to university or college. We all did some part time courses while working because my dad makes us work full time. So from taking beating every day to working in a crappy job giving all the money to my dad and taking his and my mom abuse. I am kind of fed up of life. I feel helpless yes I pray daily and fast and believe in Allah. Can I leave my parents and move away?

Salaam...

I have been in a similar position with regards to being beaten (Though i was partly to blame for being a brat) and i know it can demoralize ones confidence.

Its a terrible terrible feeling. Have you not got anyone you can talk to like a uncle or a close cousin? If you have then I suggest you get hold of them and sort this mess out sooner rather then later.

Why anyone would treat their child this way i do not know, It makes my blood boil. May Allah SWT help you in this blessed month

Anonymous User

 

[13th Yarba]

thats a dilema you have there - it sounds like you are a tough character though and i imagine you are more upset by the treatment being dished out to your mother and siblings than the treatment you are personaly receiving - you deserve much kudos for that and for having the confidence to speak out.

inter-generational conflict is a hard thing to resolve, especially when it is the child that gets problems from the parent, because we are taught to respect our elders and when they behave in a way that does not deserve respect we have no plan-B to fall back on.

also simply walking away can be harder than it sounds because of the people that you leave behind, from your post it sounds like you worry that you have a responsibilty to your mother and siblings and aren't sure about leaving because then you wouldn't be there to protect them/deflect the abuse.

try to remember that your dad is just a man with the same insecurities and problems that we all have, if he is behaving in this bad way he probably has some hang-ups that he needs to work through before he can get better. it sounds as though he is getting stress from somewhere, bottling it up and then releasing it on his family when he gets back home. i fear that the only way the abuse will ever stop will be when he has found peace himself.

i know it is the hardest thing to do but have you considered meeting him head-on to confront him about the abuse and to ask him why he behaves this way towards you. Possibly you, your mother and your siblings could confront him in this way together, it may be the wake-up call that he needs as nothing quite gets the message across like being confronted by the people who love you, sometimes things need to be spelt out in black and white to sink in. Dont hold back from speaking the truth just because he is your father and you feel uncomfortable being so forthright with him - remember that he is just a human being like everyone else and deserves your honesty.

often abuse can repeat itself down the generations, maybe your father was abused this way himself as a child and he thinks it is the normal way to treat his family - this can often be the hardest issue to overcome because then any critisism of his parenting skills is also a critissim of his father and his childhood - he may also feel shame that he was never able to stand up to the abuse he received. maybe if you tell him how unhappy he is making you he will remember how he felt himself as a child and you will be able to form a common bond of shared experience that will make communication easier. be prepared to listen to him if he offers reasons for why he acts this way - this will be the most valuable information if you decide to work together to improve the family dynamic.

if an intervention doesnt work and you feel that he is to set in his ways to change then you would be well within your rights to move on. we only have one life on earth and harsh as it sounds we dont have a responsibilty to suffer.

i am not a counsellor or trained in these matters but speak from personal excperience

i hope you find a way

 

[cat eyes]

thats a dilema you have there - it sounds like you are a tough character though and i imagine you are more upset by the treatment being dished out to your mother and siblings than the treatment you are personaly receiving - you deserve much kudos for that and for having the confidence to speak out.

inter-generational conflict is a hard thing to resolve, especially when it is the child that gets problems from the parent, because we are taught to respect our elders and when they behave in a way that does not deserve respect we have no plan-B to fall back on.

also simply walking away can be harder than it sounds because of the people that you leave behind, from your post it sounds like you worry that you have a responsibilty to your mother and siblings and aren't sure about leaving because then you wouldn't be there to protect them/deflect the abuse.

try to remember that your dad is just a man with the same insecurities and problems that we all have, if he is behaving in this bad way he probably has some hang-ups that he needs to work through before he can get better. it sounds as though he is getting stress from somewhere, bottling it up and then releasing it on his family when he gets back home. i fear that the only way the abuse will ever stop will be when he has found peace himself.

i know it is the hardest thing to do but have you considered meeting him head-on to confront him about the abuse and to ask him why he behaves this way towards you. Possibly you, your mother and your siblings could confront him in this way together, it may be the wake-up call that he needs as nothing quite gets the message across like being confronted by the people who love you, sometimes things need to be spelt out in black and white to sink in. Dont hold back from speaking the truth just because he is your father and you feel uncomfortable being so forthright with him - remember that he is just a human being like everyone else and deserves your honesty.

often abuse can repeat itself down the generations, maybe your father was abused this way himself as a child and he thinks it is the normal way to treat his family - this can often be the hardest issue to overcome because then any critisism of his parenting skills is also a critissim of his father and his childhood - he may also feel shame that he was never able to stand up to the abuse he received. maybe if you tell him how unhappy he is making you he will remember how he felt himself as a child and you will be able to form a common bond of shared experience that will make communication easier. be prepared to listen to him if he offers reasons for why he acts this way - this will be the most valuable information if you decide to work together to improve the family dynamic.

if an intervention doesnt work and you feel that he is to set in his ways to change then you would be well within your rights to move on. we only have one life on earth and harsh as it sounds we dont have a responsibilty to suffer.

i am not a counsellor or trained in these matters but speak from personal excperience

i hope you find a way

a agree with this.

i think its clear to see that this is a serious situation . okay its all very fine and good to hit your child. we all got hit as kids some time's in our life but can you even imagine a teacher calling up your home and asking your parents did you beat your child. the marks must have been noticed..respect your parents but there is a limit on everything. just like how we should be afraid how we treat our parents. parents need to be also afraid how they go about raising there kids or non muslims will look at us in disgrace and disgust

 

[BlissfullyJaded]

For those who have had parents who did a lot for them and showed them all the love in the world without limitations or with very little limitations, you won't really understand the situation faced by the original poster. And so it is a lot easier to say the patience, love, and care you'd have in the face of abuse when you've never really faced abuse alhamdulillah. Hitting a child lightly for their own good is discipline; hitting a child repeatedly with violence and for no reason at all is abuse. Under no circumstances should we support that and say patience is the only road to walk. Yes, I agree, the OP should not retaliate in a like manner, but please realize there is a limit to patience and there comes a time for action for the sake of ones own sanity.

Anyways, I agree with the advice given regarding that you should speak to an Imaam or an elder with wisdom to guide you to do what is best for you and your siblings.

May Allah ease your affairs for you and grant you ease after this hardship. Ameen!

 

[syilla]

to the OP...

How are you doing now? Do you have friends that you can tell to? How about other family members like uncles or aunties?

Ameen to all the duas... May your suffering end as soon as possible.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

to the OP...

How are you doing now? Do you have friends that you can tell to? How about other family members like uncles or aunties?

Ameen to all the duas... May your suffering end as soon as possible.

I am 19 years old. Male not a female. I told one of my friends in high school once he made a very big deal out of it so I never told anyone after that. My parents would literally kill me if I told any of my cousins about this. They create this fake image of themselves infront of relatives as religious and nice people. You cannot imagine how far my parents could go to maintain this fake imagine of themselves to outsiders.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

:wasalamex

I'm generally not very good at giving advice but I feel I must share a few very important ahadeeth/Athaar with you. I do realise that they are easier said than done but try your level best, have patience, and remember that your reward is with Allah (subhaanahu wa ta'aala). Here goes.

1. Try your best not to disobey or anger your parents, even if they treat you unjustly.

Ibn 'Abbas said, "If any Muslim obeys Allah regarding his parents, Allah will open two gates of the Garden for him. If there is only one parent, then one gate will be opened. If one of them is angry, then Allah will not be pleased with him until that parent is pleased with him." He was asked, "Even if they wrong him?" "Even if they wrong him" he replied.
​

The scholars say that you should obey your parents as long it does not entail disobedience to Allah. This is all within reason of course - you can't just let them continue beating you.

2. Whatever you do, don't sever ties of kinship.

Abu Hurayra said, "A man came to the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, and said, 'Messenger of Allah! I have relatives with whom I maintain ties while they cut me off. I am good to them while they are bad to me. They behave foolishly towards me while I am forbearing towards them.' The Prophet said, 'If things are as you said, it is as if you were putting hot ashes on them and you will not lack a supporter against them from Allah as long as you continue to do that.'"

'A'isha reported that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "Kinship (rahim) is derived from Allah. If anyone maintains ties of kinship Allah maintains ties with him. If anyone cuts them off, Allah cuts him off." (All narrations taken from Al Adab al Mufrad)
​

That's not to say that you can't live in another house, but don't cut off ties with them completely. Also, have a look at this thread.

Btw are your parents Muslim?

My parents are always angry with me even if I dont do anything wrong they are angry with me. My parents are Muslim doesnt this type of thing take place in most Muslim houses? I am still willing to have a good relationship with my dad I never had a good relationship with my dad I would love to have good relationship with him. But My dad always takes everything negatively he is always waiting for me to make a mistake. First I am scared of my dad so I dont really talk to him try to hide from him as much as possible. I have nightmares about my dad screaming at me and terrorizing the house like he does. For some reason I just cannot talk to my dad he scares me. I have an alright relationship with my mom I do sometimes wish my mom would be like other moms. But I really don't blame her because she was beaten with us too.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

Assalamu Alikum

All I can tell you is to read the Qur'an and the hadeedths. I find hadeeths very helpful in hardships. Always remember Allah's subHana wa Ta'ala's blessings. Make dua to Allah, trust in him, be obedient to his commands and he'll open doors for you. Remember as the Quran says that after every difficulty a relief comes.

May Allah strenghten you and ease the path for you. Ameen

Do you have older brothers and sisters?

I'm not saying that you move to them. Is there anybody you can go to to get an advice from?
Is it possible for you to talk to an imam?

If an imam tells your family that you complained, will they get angry?

Be very careful.

I do have older brothers and sisters. They are really no help they have their own issues. One of my brothers left Islam because my dad justified his actions through Islam and he pretends to be religious infront of other people. My older sister does not fast or pray either. You would be amazed how much my dad abuses Islam for his evil purpose. He is seen as a religious figure because he fakes it so good. He advised a person who is beating his wife infront of me not to beat your wife and have good relations with her. But he beat my mom infront of my eyes. He told this other dad that was beating his son "Children are not meant to hurt but to be loved" it angers me so much because he is a liar, a fake, a fraud he is telling others not to do things he does. He says anger is from shytan yet he when he screams its unbelieveable.
Sometimes I feel like exposing my dad but I cant. He is such a horrible person. He lies to people that everything in our house is paid by him and he works hard. He never worked in his life we worked and gave him money so he can live a luxurious life. I have to remain silent and listen to this do you know how I feel I want to just explode tell my dad off.