Question about marriage

[anonymous]

Asalaamu Alaikum,

I have a question about marriage.
I am a 30 year old guy and I am not very good looking nor very rich. I want to get married and I heard during kutbahs that its very important in Islam. However, I am attracted to beautiful girls only. I created a list of 20 beautiful girls I saw during different social gatherings and asked my parents to make marriage proposals for me. Unfortunately all the 20 girls refused one after the other because after my parents showed them my pictures during the proposal, they saw that I am not good looking and also my parents told them that I am not a doctor/lawyer/engineer/banker etc(girls are attracted to these kind of men). Now because my parents know that it's high time for me to get married, they are forcing me to get married to a girl I am not attracted to AT ALL and I am completely opposed to it. She said that she wants to get married to me but I do not like her!! I know that marrriage is a good solution to people who have sexual needs but I know myself very well and I am 100% sure that I will not have any sexual urges and commit zina or any other forms of illegal sexual acts like masturbation/watching porn if I do not get married!!!!! I never did all those things until now anyway...

I have 2 simple questions to the very helpful people of the board:

• Is it a sin to not get married?
• Like all Muslims, my dream is to get admission into Jannat. Will not getting married reduce my chances of getting admission into Jannat?

If it's not haraam to not get married, then I have no problem staying single!! However, if it is haraam to stay single, then I fear that I will have get married to the girl I am not attracted to:exhausted.

Jazack Allah

 

[Cabdullahi]

Asalaamu Alaikum,

I have a question about marriage.
I am a 30 year old guy and I am not very good looking nor very rich. I want to get married and I heard during kutbahs that its very important in Islam. However, I am attracted to beautiful girls only. I created a list of 20 beautiful girls I saw during different social gatherings and asked my parents to make marriage proposals for me. Unfortunately all the 20 girls refused one after the other because after my parents showed them my pictures during the proposal, they saw that I am not good looking and also my parents told them that I am not a doctor/lawyer/engineer/banker etc(girls are attracted to these kind of men). Now because my parents know that it's high time for me to get married, they are forcing me to get married to a girl I am not attracted to AT ALL and I am completely opposed to it. She said that she wants to get married to me but I do not like her!! I know that marrriage is a good solution to people who have sexual needs but I know myself very well and I am 100% sure that I will not have any sexual urges and commit zina or any other forms of illegal sexual acts like masturbation/watching porn if I do not get married!!!!! I never did all those things until now anyway...

I have 2 simple questions to the very helpful people of the board:

• Is it a sin to not get married?
• Like all Muslims, my dream is to get admission into Jannat. Will not getting married reduce my chances of getting admission into Jannat?

If it's not haraam to not get married, then I have no problem staying single!! However, if it is haraam to stay single, then I fear that I will have get married to the girl I am not attracted to:exhausted.

Jazack Allah

Marry the sister who wants to marry you someone on your level and stop chasing after the other ones who are likely to reject you

attractive for attractive, religious for religious... that's how it works and its only fair.....you have to understand the 20 women who rejected you...just like how you rejected the girl who you were not attracted to..those women rejected you because they felt the same

btw you're very lucky at least you have someone who wants to marry you, you dont have to make an effort to search someone its all on a plate for you seize the opportunity and dont make a mess of it just because you want a sister who has high cheekbones

 

[anonymous]

religious for religious

You assume that only because she is not beautiful, she is religious?

Actually the girl is not religious at all. Those who were beautiful were religious but not her. When I chat with her online, she never replies to my salaams. When I say IshaAllah, she never says ameen. Also, we were talking about Allah once and she says that she does not believe in the existence of God because she cannot believe in something 'not proven'.

 

[Cabdullahi]

You assume that only because she is not beautiful, she is religious?

Actually the girl is not religious at all. Those who were beautiful were religious but not her. When I chat with her online, she never replies to my salaams. When I say IshaAllah, she never says ameen. Also, we were talking about Allah once and she says that she does not believe in the existence of God because she cannot believe in something 'not proven'.

i didnt say that!...what i was trying to say is if you are attractive and religious you'll want the same...if you are religious you wont marry someone that's irreligious

everybody is attracted to beautiful girls but what we have to do is be realistic...you cannot walk into a Ferrari dealership with diddly squat in your bank account...you have to be realistic and go for the efficient! Nissan micra something that will suit you because of your circumstances.

 

[aadil77]

Brother, we all have high standards, but we have to think practically, if your expectations are high then its likely someone with excessively good looks will have high standards too.

Just try finding someone on your own level, someone decent looking and pious, that way you won't have problems later on in marriage

 

[aadil77]

everybody is attracted to beautiful girls but what we have to do is be realistic...you cannot walk into a ferari dealership with diddly squat in your bank account...you have to be realistic and go for the efficient! Nissan micra something that will suit you because of your circumstances.

 

[Alpha Dude]

It's not a sin not to get married but rewardable if you do. It's a great sunnah. Half the iman, so there is something big about it which cannot be ignored. InshaAllah you find someone compatible. Make plenty of dua and rest your affairs with Allah.

Also, we were talking about Allah once and she says that she does not believe in the existence of God because she cannot believe in something 'not proven'.

You cannot marry this specific girl though, bro. A person who does not believe in Allah to begin is not considered a Muslim. Marriage would be unlawful to such a person.

 

[tigerkhan]

mashallah nice advise by bro Abdullahii..
bro u just think on which thing u r relying...a v.temperary thing....this beauty of a girl is just a guest of a few days and v.soon she turns to woman from a girl...with no attraction and no shabab....bro its my sincere advise to see some good character and good ahhlaaq girl bcz its v.possible that u maybe be tierd of the beautiful wife but one with good ahhlaq and charater make u haapy and obviously u children will be ur obidient and source of happines and peace for u...elsewise u may think ur self....
:wa:

 

[Cabdullahi]

you dont want to marry a beautiful irreligious girl with no character...if you get ill and you are about to vomit and you plea for help she'll say to you 'get upstairs and vomit in the toilet fool!'....you want a sister with good character that will say 'here have my waterproof hijab....vomit on there!'

think about the long term brother....think about the long term!

 

[Snowflake]

^LOL behave Abdullahi!

It's better if the brother is attracted to the girl he marries - even if a little. Also do not even think about the one who doubts Allah existence! Na udhu billah. May Allah give her sense. Ameen.

 

[Ğħαrєєвαħ]

Aslaamu`Alaaykum^LOL :-\

I just wanted to clear a misconception there in your post @ Annonymous I quote you

I am not a doctor/lawyer/engineer/banker etc(girls are attracted to these kind of men).

lol thats not true akhi, not ALL girls/women are attracted to these typa guys.

All we can do is give you advice oh brother, but can not grant you what you want however we can make Duaa for you, only Allaah is able to do that give you what you want, if you want to get married make sincere Dua to Allaah to grant you a wife that you will like. As Allaah promised us that he listens to all duaas, if he does not grant you of what you will in this life then surely the Akhirah. Also if you do not like the girl you have the full right to say "no",and also be sure to be patient when asking from Allaah.

Also about when you said the girl doesnt say "Ameen" when you say "Insha`Allaah", as far as i am aware, you shouldnt say Insha`Allaah when making a dua.Also when you do speak to her, do not speak alone!

Let me make it clear according to a hadeeth: The Prophet [salAllahu alayhi wa salam] said: “Let not any one of you say, ‘O Allaah, forgive me if You will, O Allaah, have mercy on me if You will.’ Let him be resolute in the matter, whilst knowing that no one can compel Allaah to do anything.” [Saheeh Bukhari and Muslim]

A reminder for all.

Wa`Alaaykum Salaam

 

[anonymous]

Jazack Allah for your contributions: Abdullahi, aadil77, bedouin, tigerkhan, Scents of Jannah, Muslimah 4 life.

I used to watch some videos about Baba Ali, a muslim brother who talks about different issues in Islam, on youtube. He is very funny and seems to give good advice. I was once watching his video about "worrying & aging sister":

In this video, he said that a sister above 30 & still single should marry as soon as possible because the more she waits, the older she becomes and the less proposals will she get. However, he also said that in case of guys it's different. The more a brother waits, the more will he be successful and that will attract girls to him. I'm 30 already, whats the 'deadline' to get married....around 35? Because I can't wait any longer than that since I will be too old and girls will 'run' away from me (they are already running away)!!! What do you people think?

 

[Snowflake]

MashaAllah! Good find brother. No need to wait. Just start searching and make dua for Allah to help you. Also in regards to taking any step in your life, it's important to make istikhara, and bi idhnillah, you will be guided to make the right decisions.



Hope this helps inshaAllah. I've been searching for something else but found this.



7 Etiquettes of Seeking a Spouse
An Islamic Perspective


By Samana Siddiqui


Muslim conferences and conventions (like the one being held by the Islamic Society of North America & Muslim American Society, Imam W. D. Mohammad) are just one of the many places Muslims in North America often meet potential spouses either to make a final decision or to initiate the marriage communication process.

Other places include fundraising dinners, regional seminars, lectures, at the home of a relative or friend, and the local mosque.

Sadly though, Islamic guidelines pertaining to proper conduct between men and women are not always respected at these meetings.

It is not uncommon to see or hear about potential candidates meeting in private, brothers and sisters “scoping the territory” for a spouse that looks good at Muslim events like conferences or lectures, or starting up a flirtatious conversation with someone they are interested in. None of these things fall within the guidelines of Islam.

Below are some Islamic principles, both general and specific, to consider if you will be meeting or seeking a potential spouse for yourself or someone else at a conference, lecture, the mosque or another event:


1. Ask yourself: Why am I getting married.

This is a good question to ask even if you are meeting the person to make a final decision because it will be a reminder about the real purpose of marriage from an Islamic perspective.

Marriage is part of faith and it is part of the Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him.

As well, “my intention should be I am looking for someone with whom I will build a family,” says Imam Muhammad Nur Abdullah, a member of the North American Fiqh Council. He conducted pre-marriage counseling in the U.S. for two decades.

“Marriage is a commitment and relationship that starts in this Dunya (world) and will continue Insha Allah in Paradise together,” he adds.



2. Ask yourself: what am I looking for in a spouse.

Abu Hurairah related that the Prophet said: “Men choose women for four reasons: for their money, for their rank, for their beauty and for their religion, but marry one who is religious and you will succeed” (Bukhari, Muslim).

This of course, applies to women as well.

However, religion it seems, is not always foremost in the minds of many people. In fact, it's probably the last factor on too many Muslims' list.

According to Tasneem Qadeer, one of the seven volunteers who runs the Islamic Society of North America's matrimonial service, being a doctor or a lawyer is much more important to many Muslim women than piety.

And the men are not any better. Many matrimonial advertisements in Islamic publications for instance, demonstrate a key demand for a wife who is “fair, slim and beautiful”.

“If we want to have healthy Muslim families then Deen has to be first,” says Aneesah Nadir, president of the Islamic Social Services Association of the United States and Canada.

She is one of the co-developers of the program “Marriage the Islamic way”, which teaches various aspects of marriage such as how to find a spouse, the wedding and the post-wedding marriage relationship.



3. If you're looking for a spouse lower your gaze.

This may seem like a contradiction, but it's not. Looking for a spouse who has the right qualities and whom you are physically attracted to does not mean throwing out the obligation to lower the gaze for both sexes.

“Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and be modest. That is purer for them. Lo! Allah is aware of what they do” (Quran 24:30).

“And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and be modest, and to display of their adornment only that which is apparent, and to draw their veils over their bosoms...” (Quran 24:31).

“Scoping the territory”, from this perspective, would not be Islamically acceptable.

Imam Nur Abdullah notes that looking at a potential mate is recommended according to the Hadith in which the Prophet said: “When one of you asked a woman in marriage, if he is able to look at what will induce him to marry her, he should do so. ...” (Abu Dawud).

This means the two potential spouses can look at each other but not ogle or stare.

Abdullah also notes there is no limit on the number of times the two people can look at each other. However, both should fear Allah and remember the purpose of this is to satisfy the need for physical attraction to the person you are marrying.

He also notes it is not permissible for a man to see a potential wife without Hijab, since he is not her Mahram (a relative with whom marriage is not possible, or her husband). Abdullah says seeing her face and hands are enough to determine attraction.



4. Get someone to help

Marriage is not something to throw yourself into all by yourself. Getting the help of someone, especially parents, relatives, an Imam, and/or respected and trustworthy members of the Muslim community to either look for the right spouse or initiate and participate in a communication process is very important.

Involving others, by the way, does not mean signing over your right to say yes or no to a marriage proposal. It simply increases the likelihood of finding out important information about a prospective partner in a way that maintains rules of Islamic modesty (i.e. not meeting alone, see next point).

Getting that third party involved also helps verify if the person you are interested in is decent, honest and respectful. This person(s) often checks out references, asks about the individual's character and behavior, and looks out for your best interest in general.

This person should be a trustworthy Muslim, since you are seeking a Muslim in marriage, and would want someone familiar with the Islamic way of doing things.

For those blessed with Muslim parents, remember that they are probably your best allies and helpers in seeking the right husband or wife. They have known you all of your life, and have your best interest at heart.

However, parents must be open and attentive to what their children are looking for, and never forget the element of choice. Ultimately, it is their son or daughter who is going to make the final decision. They must never become too pushy or aggressive, whether this pressure is being applied on their own son or daughter, or on the person s/he is interested in.

If parents, other family members, an Imam or members of the community are not available, you can also try seeking a husband or wife through the matrimonial services offered by a number of different Muslim organizations.



5. Always ask for references

This is also where your “third party” comes in handy. Not only will they be able to be your reference. They can also check out a prospective mate's references.

A reference can include an Imam who knows the brother who proposed to you, a sister who knows the woman you may want to marry well, a family friend, a boss, a co-worker, and/or business partner.

A note about honesty and references: the people you ask may know something not very nice about your prospective spouse. Remind them that if they reveal this information, they would not be backbiting from the Islamic perspective. In fact, in the case of seeking marriage, complete information should be given about an individual, both good and bad.

The advice of one of the companions of the Prophet, Umar Ibn al-Khattab, can help in this regard:

A man came to Umar ibn al-Khattab and spoke in praise of another. Umar asked him: “Are you his nearest neighbor such that you know his goings and his comings?”

“No.”

“Have you been his companion on a journey so that you could see evidence of his good character?”

“No.”

“Have you had dealings with him involving dinars and dirhams [money] which would indicate the piety of the man?”

“No.”

“I think you saw him standing in the mosque muttering the Quran and moving his head up and down?”

“Yes.”

“Go, for you do not know him...”

And to the man in question, Umar said, “Go and bring me someone who knows you.”

(quoted from Islam The Natural Way by Abdul Wahid Hamid, p. 66)

This gives you three types of people you can ask about a prospective mate's character: a neighbor, business colleague or someone who has traveled with them.

6. When you meet, don't be alone

The Prophet said: “Whenever a man is alone with a woman the Shaytan makes a third” (Tirmidhi).

He also advised men: “Not one of you should meet a woman alone unless she is accompanied by a relative within the prohibited degrees” (Bukhari, Muslim).

Meeting alone, in the hotel room during a conference for instance, is not permissible. The prospective spouses should not place themselves in a situation where no one else can see or hear them.

Instead, a discreet, chaperoned meeting should be set up. The chaperone, while allowing the two to talk, is in the same room, for example.

As well, parents or guardians should set a time limit, recommends Shahina Siddiqui, president of the Islamic Social Services Association‘s Canada branch. A whole day, for example, is too long for this kind of a meeting.


7. When you speak, be businesslike and to the point.


The purpose of meeting and talking to each other must also remain within Islamic guidelines. That means no flirtatious speech of a sexual nature on either side.


Imam Nur Abdullah says some of the topics discussed can include each other's interests, financial situation of the man, who is Islamically responsible for providing for his wife and children, and the two potential spouses' relationship with their parents.


He notes that conversations between potential mates cannot be talking just for the sake of talking. There should be a firm and clear intention of either pursuing engagement and marriage, or, if one of the two or both the man and woman feel they are not compatible, a quick end to the relationship.


This ensures both sides are safe from getting hurt more than they could in this kind of a situation and remain within the bounds of Islam, Insha Allah.


With regards to questions pertaining to a person's sexual history (for example, has s/he had a boy/girlfriend, does s/he have any type of sexually transmitted diseases), Imam Nur Abdullah says these things have to be investigated at the very beginning, when the communication for marriage begins. This is not something that should be brought up at the last stage.


Other topics that should also be discussed at the early stages include level of Islamic knowledge and practice, future career and education plans, home making skills and where the couple will live right after marriage and in the future (state and/or country, with in-laws or in their own apartment/home).


The Imam also says the couple can even get a blood test to ensure both are healthy. Some states require this before marriage.


Seeking marriage is something highly recommended in Islam. While looking for a potential mate should be something Muslims help each other with, this cannot be done at the expense of Islamic rules pertaining to modesty and respect between the sexes.

read more here inshaAllah.

http://www.soundvision.com/Info/Islam/mar.6adab.asp

 

[Ğħαrєєвαħ]

Wa Iyaak@ Anonymous

I agree with Scents of Jannah @ her above post, Insha`Allaah that helps.

 

[tango92]

bro have you tried talking to a girl in person with a mahram present? i think your living in a fantasy world, these experiences will teach u a thing or two i hope

 

[Predator]

Asalaamu Alaikum,

I have a question about marriage.
I am a 30 year old guy and I am not very good looking nor very rich. I want to get married and I heard during kutbahs that its very important in Islam. However, I am attracted to beautiful girls only. I created a list of 20 beautiful girls I saw during different social gatherings and asked my parents to make marriage proposals for me. Unfortunately all the 20 girls refused one after the other because after my parents showed them my pictures during the proposal, they saw that I am not good looking and also my parents told them that I am not a doctor/lawyer/engineer/banker etc(girls are attracted to these kind of men). .

Jazack Allah

Since you dont have the ability to marry the person you are attracted to , you will have to resort to fasting.


"Wedlock [nikah] is my tradition in religion; whoever does not apply my law has no part with me. Marry, because I will vie the nations in number by you. Whoever has the ability to marry, let him marry, and whoever has not the ability, let him resort to fasting; for fasting is as good as castration." Bukhari


Celibacy is not there in the list of 70 major sins. I would assume is forgivable if one does not have the means to marry

Allah does not forgive the Shirk, but anything less than that Allah will forgive if he wishes.” [Quran 4:115]


However I would not recommend marrriage to someone who you are not compatible with as I have seen marriages broken up due to compatibility.

 

[Yanal]

Asalaamu Alaikum,

I have a question about marriage.
I am a 30 year old guy and I am not very good looking nor very rich. I want to get married and I heard during kutbahs that its very important in Islam. However, I am attracted to beautiful girls only. I created a list of 20 beautiful girls I saw during different social gatherings and asked my parents to make marriage proposals for me. Unfortunately all the 20 girls refused one after the other because after my parents showed them my pictures during the proposal, they saw that I am not good looking and also my parents told them that I am not a doctor/lawyer/engineer/banker etc(girls are attracted to these kind of men). Now because my parents know that it's high time for me to get married, they are forcing me to get married to a girl I am not attracted to AT ALL and I am completely opposed to it. She said that she wants to get married to me but I do not like her!! I know that marrriage is a good solution to people who have sexual needs but I know myself very well and I am 100% sure that I will not have any sexual urges and commit zina or any other forms of illegal sexual acts like masturbation/watching porn if I do not get married!!!!! I never did all those things until now anyway...

I have 2 simple questions to the very helpful people of the board:

• Is it a sin to not get married?
• Like all Muslims, my dream is to get admission into Jannat. Will not getting married reduce my chances of getting admission into Jannat?

If it's not haraam to not get married, then I have no problem staying single!! However, if it is haraam to stay single, then I fear that I will have get married to the girl I am not attracted to:exhausted.

Jazack Allah

This blog post might be able to give you more hindsight on the situation,insha'Allaah:

The first post on marriage covered the introduction to marriage and generally what Islam portrays regarding marriage.

From the topics mentioned, "If one chooses not to marry or is unable to get married" is the next topic to be discussed.

Islam is a flexible religion but has its boundaries; its flexibility allows one to adopt it as a way of life and implement its teachings into every situation; whereas its boundaries restrict man from becoming too engrossed into certain acts and therefore becoming extreme in following their desires. Flexibility and boundaries set by Islam have created a perfect balance for man to achieve good both in this world and the hereafter, it is a balance that allows man to be successful in both the worlds.

Marriage also has boundaries and flexibilities; it is a matter which has been regarded as half of one's Imaan (religion). Marriage is taken seriously in Islam as it allows people to live in a clean and moral society where desires are fulfilled in a human and shameful manner. It is an act that increases the number of believers and will cause our beloved Prophet صلي الله عليه و سلم to be proud by having the largest number of believers.

The Prophet of Allah صلي الله عليه و سلم has clearly forbidden people from celibacy:

"There is no celibacy in Islam"​

[Sahih al-Bukhari]​

However, in life it is not always possible to adopt the Sunnah act of marriage. There come in life situations that restrict that do not allow one to get married.

Therefore, it is necessary to mention the ruling of marriage; is it Mustahab (desired/recommended), Sunnah (way of the Prophet صلي الله عليه و سلم, therefore encouraged), Wajib/Fardh (obligatory).

Similarly, there will be times when marriage will be ruled as Makrooh (disliked) or Haraam (forbidden).

At this time we will deal with those rulings that concern that person who chooses not to marry or does not have the means to.

According to Imams Abu Hanifah marriage is Sunnah and recommendatory. It is an act of worship and one should strive in fulfilling this act. However, if one is in a position where he cannot control his desires then it is Wajib (necessary) for such a person to get married as he will not be able to save himself from sinning.

However, a person is excused from marrying, so much so that he should refrain from it, if he does not possess the means of supporting his wife or the capability of fulfilling her rights.

The question remains for that person who wishes to marry but does not possess the means, what should he do? Hadhrat 'Abdullah رضي الله عنه narrates that:

"We were with the Prophet صلي الله عليه و سلم while we were young and had no wealth whatsoever. So Allah's Apostle صلي الله عليه و سلم said, "O young people! Whoever amongst you can marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty, and whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting is a shield for him (from desires)."

[Sahih al-Bukhari]​

In this Hadeeth it is clearly mentioned that one who cannot marry should fast as the fasting will act as a shield for him from his desires. However, whilst doing this one should make an effort to resolve the matters that are stopping him from marrying.

As a final note, it should be remembered that not being financially able and being in a position to provide for one’s wife means the basic essentials that are necessary. Having an elegant and extravagant wedding and inviting people is not part of ‘essentials’ and is in actual fact totally discouraged and forbidden in Islam. However, in today’s society we see people going to the extent of taking out loans to organise a ‘wedding to remember.

Insha Allah this topic will be mentioned in later posts and how choosing the correct partner will save one from committing such a grave sin from the first day of such a blessed and auspicious act of worship.

May Allah give us all the courage and strength to save ourselves from the sins of desires and may He also give those people who are in need of marriage the means and a pious partner. Aameen.

http://simplyislam.blogspot.com/2006/06/marriage-in-islam-if-one-chooses-not.html

Insha'Allaah may Allaah guide you and ease your path.

Do you wish to get married? Not every female only looks at wealth or looks,some are like that,some aren't,insha'Allaah the right sister will come to you when Allaah wishes it upon you. Be patient,insha'Allaah everything will be alright.

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

wa alaykum us-Salaam
there is nothing wrong with marrying someone you find attractive but don't that overtake anything else. perhaps when you sit and talk (with a mahram present) with a sister then you will see that looks are only a portion of someones overall personality . peoples perceptions change of others when they get to know them a little bit better. a mere first look/attraction will only go so far to determine whether that person in suitable or not.

having said that, you shouldn't be forced or compelled to marry someone you don't want. try speaking to your parents and gently remind/pursue them against marrying you against your wishes.

 

[anonymous]

@ Airforce

However I would not recommend marrriage to someone who you are not compatible with as I have seen marriages broken up due to compatibility

Exactly, I don't want to get married to the girl I'm not compatible to only to please my parents...It may cause me and the girl more harm than good!!


@ Yanal

Be patient,insha'Allaah everything will be alright

ameen


@ Ummu Sufyaan

there is nothing wrong with marrying someone you find attractive

you shouldn't be forced or compelled to marry someone you don't want

Thanks for your support

looks are only a portion of someones overall personality

true

 

[- Qatada -]

asalaam alaikum


check this out;

http://www.likeagarment.com/


it's a site by a scholar; Yasir Qadhi.


PS: I would recommend you keep searching around and doing Istikharah prayer each time. Keep asking Allah and He will please you