Marrying someone with a child. It is so wrong?

[PiousGirl_86]

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah,

Hello all,

I am new to this board, but have been reading for a while in the last few days. I have a question to ask the members on here and i wondered if you can offer your help and advice and even your support. I will provide a little bit of a background, so please forgive me for the length of this.

I have been divorced for almost a year now due to an abusive marriage from not only my ex husband but his family too. It was the most terrible 4 months of my life. Alhumdulilah, i am happy to be free. However, i became pregnant early and so i am raising a baby all on my own. It has been hard but i am getting by with the Grace of Allah (swt). Since then i have had space and time for myself and now i feel i am ready to meet someone to marry again. However, as you all can imagine it has been an even harder struggle to meet a good Muslim who would not judge me as they don't even make an effort to know my personality but only see this baby, let alone that i am divorced. What happened to looking at my Deen and Personality as the Hadith had suggested? I don't want to run the risk of saying anything bad to offend anyone, but it is made me become very disappointed in Muslim men in general, as i find it appalling. I have found it easier to meet non-Muslim men who do not mind a child, but i do not want that, Allah (swt) comes first for me. Some even marry someone with 2 or 3 children, but when it comes to a Muslim, he doesn't want to know you. It is no wonder non-Muslim societies think they see that this is Islam, treating a woman as second class citizen when it is culture and ignorance.

My question is this, does the Sunnah forbid this? As i recall, the Prophet (pbuh) married a number of divorced women and widows. Even his beloved Khadijah bint Khuwaylid, the love of his life, was a divorcee, but i believe it is not clear whether she had children before marrying him. However, many seem to forget this and often let culture come first and not the Islam. Some often feel they are better than this, or deserve better.

Secondly, can anyone provide any Quranic teaching or Hadith to show that it is highly pleasing or okay to marry a divorced woman with a child?

Like i said i find too often that culture, of especially the family, get in the way. Many people seem to follow a 'request' to not marry a divorcee, let alone someone with a child. This is a question for especially men, why can't they stand up and correct their parents and do the honourably thing when you meet a woman you like? Doesn't the Sunnah state that you should correct a dislikeable/wrong thing with your tongue?

Yes, i understand some men have this problem too, even though the children live away from home. I find the female, not surprisingly, has to bare the brunt and sigma of consequences that were not all her fault. As an Ummah we should be looking after, taking care and protecting our females in society, especially those of us in such a position, not judging us and pushing us to the side. But many seem to pick their own rules.

Sorry for blabbing on, but this is a topic that has really got me upset as i have felt like an old used toy and i was unfortunately married for only 4 months to a badly brought up manchild and i have a child for the rest of my life. However do not think, i see my child as a burden in any way, it has made me very happy and i feel very blessed in so many ways, Alhumdulilah.

Thanks for your time and please i love to here your explanations and advice.

 

[Futuwwa]

Just what I was able to come up with a quick quransearch. Yusuf Ali's translation.

[004:003] If ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, Marry women of your choice, Two or three or four; but if ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one, or (a captive) that your right hands possess, that will be more suitable, to prevent you from doing injustice.

[076:008] And they feed, for the love of God, the indigent, the orphan, and the captive,-

Well, technically your child isn't an orphan and you aren't a widow, but your child is effectively fatherless and you've lost a husband through no fault of your own so I'd say it's close enough. Allah even instituted polygamy so people like you and your son could be cared for. I rest my case.

There is absolutely no blame on you, nor is there any Islamic reason to hold your history against you. I'd advise you to regard your current predicament as a husband filter. Any man who would reject you because of your history would probably not be a good husband anyway. It might take you a good while to find a suitor, but when you do there's a greater chance that he'll be a good one. In the meantime, take care as best as you can. Does your family live close by? You should rely on them for support to share the burden of being a single mother.

 

[Salahudeen]

My mother was also a divorcee and she never got married again, she raised me all by herself alhamdulilah, I understand your sadness and where you're coming from, your story is very similar to hers in that she also had an abusive husband. Men have that attitude unfortunetly where they think "He's not mine why should I spend on him". They see the child as luggage I'm afraid imsad and they would find it hard to see him as their own and spend on him, and if you had more kids, the guy could quite possibly treat your son differently compared to his own kids.

Of course there is good men out there who understand that it is the right of every Muslim woman to be married and be taken care of, and to raise a child who is not yours entails a great blessing and reward, you just have to make lots of du'a and find him. I think you will have more chance if you look for other divorced men cos they would be more accepting, unfortunately men who have never been married also want to marry someone who has never been married.

 

[PiousGirl_86]

Thank you Fatuwwa and Salahudeen for your responses.

Salahudeen I find it interesting that you say that I should consider a divorcee myself. I do but I am very young still, 22 in fact and most divorced men are a lot older. It is quite difficult compromising with them as they are stuck in their old, own ways. Age is quite an issue for me I cannot by past that especially wince my ex husband was older than me by 8 years. my experience tells me other wise. I wish they were younger men who didn't have such a narrow mind view. But yes as Futuwwa pointed having a child would weed out the not so good people. Inshallah I pray Allah gives me patience.

 

[Futuwwa]

Well, at least a divorcee has the advantage of previous experience of being married. A good guy who made a sincere effort at a marriage that just didn't work out may be precisely what you need. A new beginning for you both. And in case he brings along children from an earlier marriage, he can impossibly object to your son. And an age difference need not be an insurmountable problem either, some of the Prophet's happiest marriages were with women he had a significant age difference with.

Honestly, I'd just keep looking and evaluate potential spouses as you encounter them, each case individually, rather than have too many preconceived ideas about what external characteristics would make a good spouse. Well, that's what I do. But then, I'm unmarried at 25 so take my advice for what it's worth :hiding:

 

[Maryan0]

My mother was also a divorcee and she never got married again, she raised me all by herself alhamdulilah, I understand your sadness and where you're coming from, your story is very similar to hers in that she also had an abusive husband. Men have that attitude unfortunetly where they think "He's not mine why should I spend on him". They see the child as luggage I'm afraid imsad and they would find it hard to see him as their own and spend on him, and if you had more kids, the guy could quite possibly treat your son differently compared to his own kids.

Of course there is good men out there who understand that it is the right of every Muslim woman to be married and be taken care of, and to raise a child who is not yours entails a great blessing and reward, you just have to make lots of du'a and find him. I think you will have more chance if you look for other divorced men cos they would be more accepting, unfortunately men who have never been married also want to marry someone who has never been married.

My mother was also a divorcee and raised me and my older sibling by herself for a long time but alhamdulilah my mother remarried and it was actually my step dads first time married so divorcee's getting remarried does occur.
To the OP don't give up or become embittered if it's meant to be inshallah you will find someone.
Salam

 

[CosmicPathos]

Thank you Fatuwwa and Salahudeen for your responses.

Salahudeen I find it interesting that you say that I should consider a divorcee myself. I do but I am very young still, 22 in fact and most divorced men are a lot older. It is quite difficult compromising with them as they are stuck in their old, own ways. Age is quite an issue for me I cannot by past that especially wince my ex husband was older than me by 8 years. my experience tells me other wise. I wish they were younger men who didn't have such a narrow mind view. But yes as Futuwwa pointed having a child would weed out the not so good people. Inshallah I pray Allah gives me patience.

8 years is not that much of a difference, imho. But most mature young unmarried men will be looking to marry unmarried and chaste (virgin) women. Of course there are exceptions. I hope you find such an exception as per your desires/wishes.

 

[Ansariyah]

Would you consider someone whos of a different culture but is a Muslim? I dont think that all Muslims have this common view towards divorced sistas. Some are actually very welcoming and dont see anything bad with it. The problem is the culture, not Islam. Dont set your prime hope only on those of your culture.

 

[Perseveranze]

Sometimes you forget that culture and family pressure pays a big value in marraige. It's not always the person's choice I'm afraid and this is sadly common in many Cultures who are also Islamic. People just need to stand up for themselves and say their going to follow only Islam not the culture their raised in.

A true pious Muslim, who geniunly likes you will EASILY see past your divorce/child. Those who don't, I believe aren't good enough for you.

 

[nature]

Sis I really, feel for you. 22 is still pretty young though? & no its not wrong to marry some1 with a child. I was considering someone who had 2, late 40's and was more than 10 years my senior. I used to think like you about the age thing, but when you get older, your views/priorities will change. Just dont rule out older men.
I agree with others, search for some1 who has been in a similar situation to you.

People marry for a variety of things and sometimes those qualities they find in a previously married person with kids and not with anyone else. Don’t worry about what people think or what they will say.

take time out, enjoy motherhood, let yourself grow as a person. & make plenty of dua.

:wa:

 

[PiousGirl_86]

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah,

Thanks for all your response to my questions.

Yanoorah it is interesting you said culture is seen as a big problem. I highly agree with you, but you see the thing is i am not even Pakistani or Indian or even Arab. I am South American. I follow Islam, but i was so shocked and appalled to see how these cultures stigmatise the woman. It is hard for me to even marrying into some of these cultures as i was never brought up that way of living. I am speaking form my experiences. It is as Perseveranze mentioned, and i highly agree with him that, most of these men do not stand up for themselves and say to their parents what they want or even correct them on this issue. Unfortunately it is down to upbringing and like you mentioned, i will have to be patient as one who was brought up well, and he may even be a divorcee himself, will come along.

Nature it is funny you mentioned that i shouldn't rule out men, as mentioned my ex husband was 8 years my senior. I thought the age difference would not matter, but it really did for me. I received a lot of oppression and sense a lot of paranoia on his part. I know it differs from person to person but i have a fear it will happen again.

 

[Cabdullahi]

maybe you need to consider another revert who has no cultural brainwashing.

 

[Salahudeen]

Thank you Fatuwwa and Salahudeen for your responses.

Salahudeen I find it interesting that you say that I should consider a divorcee myself. I do but I am very young still, 22 in fact and most divorced men are a lot older. It is quite difficult compromising with them as they are stuck in their old, own ways. Age is quite an issue for me I cannot by past that especially wince my ex husband was older than me by 8 years. my experience tells me other wise. I wish they were younger men who didn't have such a narrow mind view. But yes as Futuwwa pointed having a child would weed out the not so good people. Inshallah I pray Allah gives me patience.

You're in a very tough situation imsad you see I'm 22 myself and I don't think I'm any where near ready to be a dad, as will most young men, because marriage in and of itself is a big responsibility and taking care of a child is an even greater responsiblity and many young men will feel they're not ready for it, even if they don't have the attitude and mentality that I mentioned earlier. Of course not everyone is the same there may be someone young who is ready. Maybe if you look for someone around 25-28, you will have some joy inshaAllah. And that isn't much older than you.

 

[nature]

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah,


Nature it is funny you mentioned that i shouldn't rule out men, as mentioned my ex husband was 8 years my senior. I thought the age difference would not matter, but it really did for me. I received a lot of oppression and sense a lot of paranoia on his part. I know it differs from person to person but i have a fear it will happen again.

Dont take this the wrong way sis, but 22 is really really young, & if im honest i wud no way get married to any1 younger, marriage is hard enuf you wana be on the same page. i know every1's different but even wen i was 22 i would no way have got married to anyone older. maybe you both had different ideas of marriage ??

Things change, you'll change, when you grow as a person, and have had time out, reflected on everything, and if you keep hold onto your deen, then you'll broaden your views of potential spouses. You'll look at things totally differently, i know you prob dont think so now, but trust me you will. Like i sed i was considering sum1 more than 10 years older. My friends looked at me like i had gone off my trolley :hmm: wen i asked for their input, but age seriously doesnt matter. I agree with the above, that you shud maybe look for a revert, this is your best chance. most of my friends and ideally i would find this easier, no way wud you want the hassle of being tied down to a cultural guy who bows down to mommy. This culture malarky screws a person up, i know how divorcees are percieved in my culture, cos i have m8s that in your situation also. Just dont rush into anything for the sake of getting married. Make plenty of dua, and ask allah, he knows best.

 

[SAKER]

i know how divorcees are percieved in my culture

You are Arabian ...?

 

[Rhubarb Tart]

Hmmm I don’t want to be one to break the bad news. But if you do choose to remarry then you would have to give up your child. Your mother or sister, or the father would take care of your child. I am surprised no one mentioned this.

So if you find a brother to marry you have to choose between raising your child or having a husband.

According to Amr Ibn Shu'aib, a woman came to the Prophet* and said: 'Truly my belly served as a container for my son here, and my breast served as a skin-bag for him (to drink out of) and my bosom served as a refuge for him; and now his father has divorced me, and he (also) desires to take him away from me.' The Prophet sallalahu Alaihe wasallam said: 'You have a better right to have him, as long as you do not marry again. Hadith: Ibn Majah The mother is recognised as generally the fittest person to take care of the children, because of the instinctive love and tenderness she feels for them and her closer contact with them throughout pregnancy, nursing, and childhood. However, if the mother marries again she would generally forfeit her right to custody.

http://www.islamic-sharia.org/children/islamic-perspective-on-child-custody-after-divorce.html

http://www.islamicboard.com/showthread.php?t=134298200&page=1

Maybe, the cultural attitude towards you (which is sad and wrong) as single mother is a blessing in disguise?


Best regards

 

[Salahudeen]

Hmmm I don’t want to be one to break the bad news. But if you do choose to remarry then you would have to give up your child. Your mother or sister, or the father would take care of your child. I am surprised no one mentioned this.

So if you find a brother to marry you have to choose between raising your child or having a husband.



http://www.islamic-sharia.org/children/islamic-perspective-on-child-custody-after-divorce.html

http://www.islamicboard.com/showthread.php?t=134298200&page=1

Maybe, the cultural attitude towards you (which is sad and wrong) as single mother is a blessing in disguise?


Best regards

I was told a woman would only have to, if the father wanted the children. If he doesn't want to take custody of the children then she can keep them.

 

[Rhubarb Tart]

I was told a woman would only have to, if the father wanted the children. If he doesn't want to take custody of the children then she can keep them.

Hey

I haven’t heard any scholar say that. Btw if the child is under 7 years old he/she is passed to grandmother or aunty etc then after the age of 7 the father would get the custody.


And I quote you this:

The custody of children is the responsibility of the mother after divorce. This condition shall remain in force until a boy becomes sexually mature, or until a girl is married away and the marriage consummated. If the mother dies or marries another husband, the right of custody passes into the hands of the grandmother; after her comes the maternal aunt. But if there are more of the mother's maternal relations the right shall pass into the hands of sisters and paternal aunts. And if there are none of these, the right passes into the hands of agnates.

http://www.islamic-sharia.org/children/islamic-perspective-on-child-custody-after-divorce.html

 

[Futuwwa]

None of those hadiths referred to in the links and the other threads are sahih hadiths. Nor do they reinforce or further develop any ideas stated in the Quran or in sahih hadiths, so I'd consider that pretty flimsy evidence. Besides, I see certain logical inconsistencies in the arguments made. The quoted hadith:

According to Amr Ibn Shu'aib, a woman came to the Prophet* and said: 'Truly my belly served as a container for my son here, and my breast served as a skin-bag for him (to drink out of) and my bosom served as a refuge for him; and now his father has divorced me, and he (also) desires to take him away from me.' The Prophet sallalahu Alaihe wasallam said: 'You have a better right to have him, as long as you do not marry again.

It says the mother has a superior right until she remarries, but it doesn't say anything about her right relative to the father after remarrying. It doesn't say that the father's right is superior afterwards. It could just as well mean only that her right is only equal afterwards, not superior.

Also, in that same thread linked to, the following hadith was invoked:

Abu Huraira (RA) reported that the Prophet (SAWS) has given a lad a choice between his father and his mother.(Ahmad, Ibn Majah, Tirmidhi)

A choice by the kid, then, without any reference to the marital status of either parent. One might object that this hadith only tells about a specific case which we don't know the exact details of, and that thus the Prophet's verdict was for that case only, and not intended to lay down a general rule. But exactly the same could be said about the first hadith quoted in this thread.

 

[Salahudeen]

Hey

I haven’t heard any scholar say that. Btw if the child is under 7 years old he/she is passed to grandmother or aunty etc then after the age of 7 the father would get the custody.


And I quote you this:



http://www.islamic-sharia.org/children/islamic-perspective-on-child-custody-after-divorce.html

You're right, but if the mother doesn't trust them to raise the children for example they're corrupt she can take the case to court and a judge will decide. That is if the father doesn't want them. If the father does want them but she thinks he's not in a suitable condition to raise them, i.e he's not praticing, then she can take the case to court also and a judge will decide.