Frustrations in getting married
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Well, OK then. That's better.
Not everyone is meant to be married, and I am beginning to think that maybe I am one of those.
Anyway, still striving to become a better man...
Salahudeen
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On the contrary, everyone is meant to be married. If not here, then in jannah
We're meant to be but often we don't find, some people are just destined to be alone I guess. Inshallah they will have in jannah.
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On the contrary, everyone is meant to be married. If not here, then in jannah
Just something else to look forward to after death.
Not that I'm in a hurry to die. I still have things I need to do here first.
Like, live.
ardianto
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Oh, oh, brother.
The point in that post is not marriage as sunnah, but about "how to make money".
S.Belle
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biggest frustation would be not knowing who and when im going to get married
biggest fears in getting married would be marrying someone that im not really compatible with and divorcing and not being a dutiful wife
im not married now bc...just hasnt happen yet and i ever so slightly enjoy being single and not having to deal with all the responsiblities that marriage brings.
ardianto
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We will never find someone who really compatible with us. But if we are willing to adapt to our spouses and our spouses are willing to adapt to us, then our spouses will be compatible partners for us.
Willing to accept disadvantage is the key to find a life-partner, and willing to adapt to our partner is the key to build a happy marriage life.
Willing to accept disadvantage is the key to find a life-partner, and willing to adapt to our partner is the key to build a happy marriage life.
Salahudeen
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That's the key brother, adapting our requirements.
Ibn Abi Ahmed
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Wow..I can't believe I read all that..but I still have no idea what everyone's discussing? It's like everyones agreeing on the same points but want to disagree slightly so the ever-so-awesome marriage discussion can last longer..I don't blame ya, marriage discussions are fun!
So does this summarize it?
1) It's hard for dudes to get married cuz of finances, cultural issues (like expensive weddings), and other cultural issues.
2) Its hard for the ladies to get married cuz they can't find proper guys, or they find good ones but the dude is not prepared to support a lady.
3) Some dudes and ladies are afraid of the responsibilities of marriage.
4) People have a lot of time to talk about marriage -_-
Now I can't go and read a marriage thread and not post my two cents. There's a reason they call me the Love Guru folks. So here goes:
1) If dude's are finding it hard to get married because of finances -> stop sitting on a forum and go out and find a way to earn some income. A bit harsh, but seriously. If you have the time to write humongous posts, I'm sure that time can be used to learn something new. There's a lot you can do in your time so start applying some time management and getting some new marketable skills. Sure there aren't too many jobs out there, but if you make yourself stand out, they'll hire you. A Muslim is to be the best and do things with Ihsaan (excellence). Don't have a defeatist mentality where you feel you're the victim of a bad economy. Get out and do something productive.
وَمَن يَتَهَيَّبْ صُعُودَالجِبَالِ يَعِشْ ابَدِالدَّهْرِبَينَ الحُفَرْ
"Whoever fears climbing the mountains, will forever remain between the ditches"
Cultural issues - expensive weddings etc. Sure, they cost a lot. The culture sucks because it dictates this and many families are in to the whole $100,000 wedding. So do what you need to do to convince your families to make it easier, but be aware that there's only so much you can do. It sucks, but it is a fact of life. There's no right way to bring the cost down, but if you're reasonable in the way you present your case to your family, perhaps there's a chance it'll work.
In other news. Wives are expensive. Women are expensive, financially, emotionally etc. They require money. They require time. They require a lot of emotional investment. They require you to be there for them. So get to learning on how to deal with women and their issues. The sisters might not like this, but the fact is that no matter how religious a girl is or thinks she is or how much she thinks she wants a religious dude and she'll be happy - the fact of the matter will always be that she's a girl and that means she will come with the package of emotions, feelings and the general lack of rational. Sure she want's a religious guy, but what she wants more is a guy who will understand her, take care of her, love her, cherish her, and be there for her through thick and thin. Those are the core emotional needs of women. She's made from a bent rib that you cannot straighten so learn to work with that otherwise you'll just break her. Wives are amazing, their strength is emotional empathy and that's amazing and they make absolutely amazing life partners. But you gotta realize, there will be times you'll come home to a wife that's mad or sad for no reason or is crying for no reason. At those times, quoting Quran or Hadeeth telling her to count her blessings etc isn't relevant, it's the human aspect of being there for her without asking why. Later on, she'll be fine and you can talk about stuff. Anyone married or with sisters can testify to this.
For the dudes saying they're ugly or other things that exude a lack of confidence - have you ever noticed in campus or on the street etc that a drop dead gorgeous girl is walking hand in hand with a dude that looks like he's been hit by a truck? (This isn't saying you're like that, but generally) I'm sure youve seen that. What does that tell you? Women are more attracted to manly men, meaning men who exude confidence, who can take control, decisive, who knows what he wants in life and what his goals are. That dude with the model-like girl at his side has confidence and knows how to be a man. Remember, the girl needs to pass your test, not the other way around. To be honest, your lack of confidence in who you are is more of a turn off to women than your looks. Looks are relative - you probably have a bad reference point if you're using it to judge yourself. If you can't be comfortable in who you are, how in the world do you expect a girl to be comfortable with you? This isn't to excuse the dudes who look like they've just woken up with unkempt hair or bad dress sense. Do your part, dress well, keep your hair neat (don't look like a caveman), and wear mature clothes. Appearance is key. Present yourself well. Everybody's beautiful.
Also, listen to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c4oetwj5tes
2) You're right - the fact is and this is what I've seen - a lot of dudes are desperate to get married but when you ask them what're they doing for it? Nothing. They're still stuck in school, not taking things seriously. It's true. Sure, he might be an awesome hafidh, qaari, super recitation brother but that's not what makes a man capable of supporting a lady. But maybe you're also looking in the wrong places?
3) Yes, it's scary. But if you're scared, use the time to educate yourself about marriage, relationships, the pshycology of men vs women, communication etc. Believe me, it'll come in handy!
4) I wish I had the time for more marriage talk!
So does this summarize it?
1) It's hard for dudes to get married cuz of finances, cultural issues (like expensive weddings), and other cultural issues.
2) Its hard for the ladies to get married cuz they can't find proper guys, or they find good ones but the dude is not prepared to support a lady.
3) Some dudes and ladies are afraid of the responsibilities of marriage.
4) People have a lot of time to talk about marriage -_-
Now I can't go and read a marriage thread and not post my two cents. There's a reason they call me the Love Guru folks. So here goes:
1) If dude's are finding it hard to get married because of finances -> stop sitting on a forum and go out and find a way to earn some income. A bit harsh, but seriously. If you have the time to write humongous posts, I'm sure that time can be used to learn something new. There's a lot you can do in your time so start applying some time management and getting some new marketable skills. Sure there aren't too many jobs out there, but if you make yourself stand out, they'll hire you. A Muslim is to be the best and do things with Ihsaan (excellence). Don't have a defeatist mentality where you feel you're the victim of a bad economy. Get out and do something productive.
وَمَن يَتَهَيَّبْ صُعُودَالجِبَالِ يَعِشْ ابَدِالدَّهْرِبَينَ الحُفَرْ
"Whoever fears climbing the mountains, will forever remain between the ditches"
Cultural issues - expensive weddings etc. Sure, they cost a lot. The culture sucks because it dictates this and many families are in to the whole $100,000 wedding. So do what you need to do to convince your families to make it easier, but be aware that there's only so much you can do. It sucks, but it is a fact of life. There's no right way to bring the cost down, but if you're reasonable in the way you present your case to your family, perhaps there's a chance it'll work.
In other news. Wives are expensive. Women are expensive, financially, emotionally etc. They require money. They require time. They require a lot of emotional investment. They require you to be there for them. So get to learning on how to deal with women and their issues. The sisters might not like this, but the fact is that no matter how religious a girl is or thinks she is or how much she thinks she wants a religious dude and she'll be happy - the fact of the matter will always be that she's a girl and that means she will come with the package of emotions, feelings and the general lack of rational. Sure she want's a religious guy, but what she wants more is a guy who will understand her, take care of her, love her, cherish her, and be there for her through thick and thin. Those are the core emotional needs of women. She's made from a bent rib that you cannot straighten so learn to work with that otherwise you'll just break her. Wives are amazing, their strength is emotional empathy and that's amazing and they make absolutely amazing life partners. But you gotta realize, there will be times you'll come home to a wife that's mad or sad for no reason or is crying for no reason. At those times, quoting Quran or Hadeeth telling her to count her blessings etc isn't relevant, it's the human aspect of being there for her without asking why. Later on, she'll be fine and you can talk about stuff. Anyone married or with sisters can testify to this.
For the dudes saying they're ugly or other things that exude a lack of confidence - have you ever noticed in campus or on the street etc that a drop dead gorgeous girl is walking hand in hand with a dude that looks like he's been hit by a truck? (This isn't saying you're like that, but generally) I'm sure youve seen that. What does that tell you? Women are more attracted to manly men, meaning men who exude confidence, who can take control, decisive, who knows what he wants in life and what his goals are. That dude with the model-like girl at his side has confidence and knows how to be a man. Remember, the girl needs to pass your test, not the other way around. To be honest, your lack of confidence in who you are is more of a turn off to women than your looks. Looks are relative - you probably have a bad reference point if you're using it to judge yourself. If you can't be comfortable in who you are, how in the world do you expect a girl to be comfortable with you? This isn't to excuse the dudes who look like they've just woken up with unkempt hair or bad dress sense. Do your part, dress well, keep your hair neat (don't look like a caveman), and wear mature clothes. Appearance is key. Present yourself well. Everybody's beautiful.
Also, listen to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c4oetwj5tes
2) You're right - the fact is and this is what I've seen - a lot of dudes are desperate to get married but when you ask them what're they doing for it? Nothing. They're still stuck in school, not taking things seriously. It's true. Sure, he might be an awesome hafidh, qaari, super recitation brother but that's not what makes a man capable of supporting a lady. But maybe you're also looking in the wrong places?
3) Yes, it's scary. But if you're scared, use the time to educate yourself about marriage, relationships, the pshycology of men vs women, communication etc. Believe me, it'll come in handy!
4) I wish I had the time for more marriage talk!
Alpha Dude
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This is a gold statement. I couldn't agree more. InshaAllah we are all blessed with wives.
This is likely to earn you the wrath of feminists... :uuh:
noorseeker
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Tyrion
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But what about those of us who are super sexy but still can't find a wife? ^o)
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Alpha Dude
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Make yourself look repulsive and grow some confidence and/or ask zAk how he overcame this debilitating condition.
Most of what people say, sounds easy but putting it into practise is much more complex.
He states people need to work harder, guess what, many men already do overtime, they tons of it, who's to say the people on here, usually only on for a few minutes each day, don't work like maniacs right now? It's at a stage no matter how hard the man works, in fact the harder he works, the more he earns he'll end up more likely spending more on the wedding.
You say women are expensive and emotionally expensive, that is correct they are, the question is, should they be? On average my uncle's outfits cost £15-£30, perhaps an expensive shirt might cost £25, but that's for special occasions, the average suit my aunty wears costs £150 if the husbands don't spend that much on their wives, they are considered stingy/miserly. Women seriously and moreso their families, seriously seriously need to be like this, a wedding should cost around £2000 not £20000, all that money, especially in these difficult times, would help them buy a house much sooner. I hate weddings, I absolutely hate them because I think of the poor guys, the men who have been emotionally forced into spending this outrageous amount on the wedding.
I don't know a single man, you guys can dispute this if you like, I don't know a single man who cares about whether his wedding is fancy or not, whether it's the most extravagant the town has seen. But the ladies, that have to have it extravagant, no matter how extravagant it will never be extravagant enough. Due to the cost of my wedding, I will not be able to buy a house for a least another 3 years, had it been a simple wedding, I could have perhaps bought on within the next 4 months, at least put the deposit down for one.
Women are expensive, weddings are even more expensive and they should not be.
As for men and their wants. It's extremely shallow when you hear men and their mothers always asking for a "slim, fair and beautiful" girl before asking for the ones with good character. How shallow of these men to look for that. Whilst it's important to marry someone you're attracted to, you don't have to marry a supermodel, especially if you look unattractive yourself. Let's be honest, about 10-15% of the world population can be classed as physically very attractive right? So does that mean the other 80+% don't have the right to marry or they should be at the back of the queue. I have cut ties with guys who has spoken of women in such ways and I pray I don't ever think like that, even if I am blessed with children of my own.
Regarding the confidence thing, I think it's wonderful that many brothers lack confidence, it's a sign of their reserved and perhaps shy nature. Surely the girls should be looking for the shy boys, the ones less likely to have been mucking around with girls prior to marriage? So that she and him can grow in confidence together in married life?
The girls wonder where all the nice guys are, well guess what, in the 21st century, it tends to be nice and shy or confident not so nice. So make your pick, do you want the confident guy or the shy guy. If I had a sister, I would never ever let her marry a "confident" guy, not in my lifetime.
I would also like to say it's pretty bad that these days boys and girls are remaining single until their late 20s and some people till their 30s. What are the families of these young people playing at? What are these people playing at? Actually 30 is not young at all, it's definitely not an age you would call young.
I went to a wedding once with my uncle, and the bride and the groom were family friends, the man was 36 and the bride was 34, both of them getting married for the first time. He said to me, how much better would it have been if this man married this same girl in their early 20s when they were young and beautiful, now they are both old with half their lives wasted. I have to echo the thoughts, if you're going to leave your first wedding so late, what is the point really?
Lastly I would just like to point out, how horrible culture is. Culture is the main driving force behind weddings being so expensive, beautiful girls sought out and not the pure hearted ones, culture is the reason why men's financial status is more important than their character and culture is the reason why marriage is becoming more difficult for young men and women.
He states people need to work harder, guess what, many men already do overtime, they tons of it, who's to say the people on here, usually only on for a few minutes each day, don't work like maniacs right now? It's at a stage no matter how hard the man works, in fact the harder he works, the more he earns he'll end up more likely spending more on the wedding.
You say women are expensive and emotionally expensive, that is correct they are, the question is, should they be? On average my uncle's outfits cost £15-£30, perhaps an expensive shirt might cost £25, but that's for special occasions, the average suit my aunty wears costs £150 if the husbands don't spend that much on their wives, they are considered stingy/miserly. Women seriously and moreso their families, seriously seriously need to be like this, a wedding should cost around £2000 not £20000, all that money, especially in these difficult times, would help them buy a house much sooner. I hate weddings, I absolutely hate them because I think of the poor guys, the men who have been emotionally forced into spending this outrageous amount on the wedding.
I don't know a single man, you guys can dispute this if you like, I don't know a single man who cares about whether his wedding is fancy or not, whether it's the most extravagant the town has seen. But the ladies, that have to have it extravagant, no matter how extravagant it will never be extravagant enough. Due to the cost of my wedding, I will not be able to buy a house for a least another 3 years, had it been a simple wedding, I could have perhaps bought on within the next 4 months, at least put the deposit down for one.
Women are expensive, weddings are even more expensive and they should not be.
As for men and their wants. It's extremely shallow when you hear men and their mothers always asking for a "slim, fair and beautiful" girl before asking for the ones with good character. How shallow of these men to look for that. Whilst it's important to marry someone you're attracted to, you don't have to marry a supermodel, especially if you look unattractive yourself. Let's be honest, about 10-15% of the world population can be classed as physically very attractive right? So does that mean the other 80+% don't have the right to marry or they should be at the back of the queue. I have cut ties with guys who has spoken of women in such ways and I pray I don't ever think like that, even if I am blessed with children of my own.
Regarding the confidence thing, I think it's wonderful that many brothers lack confidence, it's a sign of their reserved and perhaps shy nature. Surely the girls should be looking for the shy boys, the ones less likely to have been mucking around with girls prior to marriage? So that she and him can grow in confidence together in married life?
The girls wonder where all the nice guys are, well guess what, in the 21st century, it tends to be nice and shy or confident not so nice. So make your pick, do you want the confident guy or the shy guy. If I had a sister, I would never ever let her marry a "confident" guy, not in my lifetime.
I would also like to say it's pretty bad that these days boys and girls are remaining single until their late 20s and some people till their 30s. What are the families of these young people playing at? What are these people playing at? Actually 30 is not young at all, it's definitely not an age you would call young.
I went to a wedding once with my uncle, and the bride and the groom were family friends, the man was 36 and the bride was 34, both of them getting married for the first time. He said to me, how much better would it have been if this man married this same girl in their early 20s when they were young and beautiful, now they are both old with half their lives wasted. I have to echo the thoughts, if you're going to leave your first wedding so late, what is the point really?
Lastly I would just like to point out, how horrible culture is. Culture is the main driving force behind weddings being so expensive, beautiful girls sought out and not the pure hearted ones, culture is the reason why men's financial status is more important than their character and culture is the reason why marriage is becoming more difficult for young men and women.
GuestFellow
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The mirror is deceiving you...
But what about those of us who are super sexy but still can't find a wife?....................
The mirror is deceiving you...
Salam Alaikkum
That made me smile.
For me a lazy man cannot marry, but a man who works can marry and no one will die in hanger.
I am married and praying to be with my husband till death because MARRIAGE is so beautiful
Certain features I like is his patience, he is uncontrolling man, open minded, simple, not materialistic, a responsible husband and always excited to spend time with me after working hours, goes out with his friend few hours each week or two, his good looks & cleanliness is a plus but men oh men believe me, looking good is not big deal to a woman's heart.
My husband is a kind of man who will beg Allah to accept me to Jannah before himself. May Allah be pleased with him forever, Amen.
A man like Brother Ardianto is great find for ladies
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Alpha Dude
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I think you've interpreted Muraad's idea of 'confidence' a little differently than he would have intended.
In my opinion, there's a difference between arrogant, ego-based confidence and the kind of confidence that comes about from a deep rooted conviction in something. The former is the attribute of a misguided individual whereas the latter is the idea of a person stepping up and quite literally, just 'being a man' when the need arises.
Note, however, that being confident based on conviction is not mutually exclusive with being humble and reserved/shy. Much depends on the context. There's a time to be shy and modest and there's a time to be confident.
I agree with alpha dude, a man without self confidence, hmmm, even if he's quite good looking, he doesn't make a popular female choice, but a confident man, no matter how plain looking, catches quite a few girls' fancies. But confidence is also something that one can work on, I've known people who used to be overtly shy at young age and have groomed themselves to be quite pleasantly confident, sans the arrogance and impoliteness. It definitely is an acquirable and admirable trait, for
both men and women.
As far as the arrogant confidence is concerned, it comes from either a sheer lack of some good parenting, or excess of it. It also comes from a deep sense of inferiority complex, and the arrogant person usually tries to overcome it by sounding super cool, sarcastic, uncaring and impolite. Such people rarely have lasting or meaningful relationships, they only worship their self, and are only concerned about their self/their feelings and their moods.
A BAD choice for marriage, such people, so all girlies out there, beware , since women really tend to get attracted to this type and realize only when its too late
both men and women.
As far as the arrogant confidence is concerned, it comes from either a sheer lack of some good parenting, or excess of it. It also comes from a deep sense of inferiority complex, and the arrogant person usually tries to overcome it by sounding super cool, sarcastic, uncaring and impolite. Such people rarely have lasting or meaningful relationships, they only worship their self, and are only concerned about their self/their feelings and their moods.
A BAD choice for marriage, such people, so all girlies out there, beware , since women really tend to get attracted to this type and realize only when its too late
I agree with alpha dude, a man without self confidence, hmmm, even if he's quite good looking, he doesn't make a popular female choice, but a confident man, no matter how plain looking, catches quite a few girls' fancies. But confidence is also something that one can work on, I've known people who used to be overtly shy at young age and have groomed themselves to be quite pleasantly confident, sans the arrogance and impoliteness. It definitely is an acquirable and admirable trait, for
both men and women.
As far as the arrogant confidence is concerned, it comes from either a sheer lack of some good parenting, or excess of it. It also comes from a deep sense of inferiority complex, and the arrogant person usually tries to overcome it by sounding super cool, sarcastic, uncaring and impolite. Such people rarely have lasting or meaningful relationships, they only worship their self, and are only concerned about their self/their feelings and their moods.
A BAD choice for marriage, such people, so all girlies out there, beware , since women really tend to get attracted to this type and realize only when its too late
SALAM ALAIKKUM
That's why arrogant & proud
And as you said, we hope our single Sisters can see that before hand. Amen