Do Most Men Desire Multiple Wives?

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Assalamu-alaikum,

Do most men personally desire multiple wives?



This is not a question of whether polygamy is permissible for men or not (because it has been decreed by Allah, and it is), but rather -

Do most men remain in monogous marriages only because they are limited by finances, a 'resistant' wife, time, etc.......?

Is it possible for a man to remain satisfied with one wife, all his life?

or are the carnal desires of some so large, that a single wife can never be enough?


Hope to hear some honest views, insha Allah.


:wa:
 
I cant speak for all men. If you look at societies running on wild desires of nafs, such as the West, you do see that men are eager to spread their seed in as many places as they can, not because they care for the future progeny, but just because of the base desires of momentary satisfaction.

As for Islamic men, in an ideal world, it does seem they'd want multiple wives. But since dunya is not ideal, they stick to one, and hope for getting some hoors in afterlife.

It does not mean I subscribe to above views, I stated what I see among my friends and colleagues and society in general.
 
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I think reality speaks for itself. There are more muslim men who are monogamists than polygonist. To have two or more wives comes with HUGE responsibility. I cannot speak for all men, but I would say that one wife is enough. At least for me.
 
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Allah<3 said:
I think reality speaks for itself. There are more muslim men who are monogamists than polygonist. To have two or more wives comes with HUGE responsibility. I cannot speak for all of men, but I would say that one wife is enough. At least for me.
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yup that is true, but as I've mentioned that is because dunya is not ideal, ppl have problems, financial, lack of time and what not, so they remain monogamous. It does not mean they dont wish for "multiple." I've seen brothers in masjid actually talking about their detailed plans of second marriage. And these were some very well off brothers. Perhaps they can afford 4 wives.

Social dynamics are changing, even monogamy seems "useless" and expensive today. more and more kaafir men are delaying or totally avoiding getting married. More and more women are also accepting it. More and more ppl are living as common law partners. Monogamy from that perspective seems useless in Western societies since you can get all benefits without marrying and avoid the additional cost of financial loss if you had to go through a divorce.
 
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CosmicPathos said:
yup that is true, but as I've mentioned that is because dunya is not ideal, ppl have problems, financial, lack of time and what not, so they remain monogamous. It does not mean they wish for "multiple." I've seen brothers in masjid actually talking about their detailed plans of second marriage. And these were some very well off brothers. Perhaps they can afford 4 wives.
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I agree. It is one thing to desire but we cannot neglect the responsbility that comes with it, not only financial problems and lack of time but also love them equally and be fair. Not so easy. I would love to have 4 wives if I had the energy, time and enough money to support them but I will wait for the hoors in afterlife. ;D
 
JazakAllah for the above comments.


My general impression is that the majority of men who are seeking 2/3/4 wives are doing so to fulfill lustful desires......rather than having a charitable intention of wanting to assist a widow/ divorcee with kids.

I have been told that the sexual desires of (most?) men are much greater than that of women - and hence the reason that polygamy is permitted in Islam.

I am battling to accept/ understand this......

If this were to be true, then:

- why did Allah (subhanawataála) create only Hawa as a partner for Adam (alaihi salam)? (and not multiple women)

- Muhammed (sallalahu alaihi wasalam) remained in a monogous marriage for over 20 years. And when he did marry many women, it stemmed from noble reasons such as - caring for older divorcees/ widows, strengthening ties between rival groups.....and to teach his ummah different lessons from each marriage.

- Why did the prophet (sallahu alaihi wasalam) deny Ali (ra) permission to marry again (whilst in marriage to his daughter Fathimah (ra))?
We know that he feared that Fathimah (ra) may be hurt by this......and this was reason enough to request that Ali (ra) remain monogomous.


However, many polygamous marriages of today seem to stem from an unquenched physical desire......with the reasoning that 'man has been created this way'.

Has he really been created this way.....or is this a modern day reason for polygamy?




:wa:
 
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I think it is a biological thing according to atheist studies anyway men aren't monogamists by virtue of their genetics. I think in fact the Islamic rule on the matter may eliminate the problem of lust in that it comes with financial responsibility amongst other things.
If you look at the life of someone like Micheal Gambon who has had two illegitimate children with his mistress with his wife's approval and knowledge it (western style affairs) unfortunately are very hypocritical. He neither gives identity to his children in a legal manner, the laws of inheritance are left to whimsey and it is disrespectful to both women. They get to have their cake and eat it too but then what's the point of having a cake without eating it sorry about that digression :p

Anyhow I see the wisdom in Islamic style polygamy, I don't think it is for everyone though and I think many Muslim men forget that it is a privilege not an injunction. I don't see myself accepting that arrangement under any circumstance but I accept the divine rule of it and I think it is a good solution for many people.. It is better to have things out in the open than live under pretenses, sowing a few wild oats and not taking responsibility for any of it before God or any of the involved parties..

:w:
 
Ok, let's not get in denial now.

Yes, men have desires and in the sexual department, it's alot stronger than the female desire. The reason most men today are in Monog marraiges is due to finance, responsibility and the fear of not being able to treat wives equally. In the western world, it may be something looked down upon, due to the whole feminist thing, and so that may also have an effect.

Otherwise if we're talking strictly desire here, then I am pretty sure (regardless of who tries to deny it) that men would be happy to marry more than 1 woman if it didn't come with so many strings attached.

I'm just being honest. Even the men who marry in polygamy, say a poor or infertile woman as a good means of seeking reward, still likely have a desire.

Also, studies time and time again have proven men have a stronger sexual desire -

Birds do it, bees do it, and men do it any old time. But women will only do it if the candles are scented just right -- and their partner has done the dishes first. A stereotype, sure, but is it true? Do men really have stronger sex drives than women?
Well, yes, they do. Study after study illustrates that men's sex drives are not only stronger than women's, but much more straightforward. The sources of women's libidos, by contrast, are much more difficult to pin down.
It's common wisdom that women place more value on emotional connection as a spark of sexual desire. But women also appear to be heavily influenced by social and cultural factors as well.
"Sexual desire in women is extremely sensitive to environment and context," says Edward O. Laumann, PhD, a professor of sociology at the University of Chicago and lead author of a major survey of sexual practices, The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States.
Here are seven patterns of men's and women's sex drives that researchers have found. Bear in mind that individuals may vary from these norms.
13 Common Sex Drive Killers


1. Men think more about sex.

The majority of adult men under 60 think about sex at least once a day, reports Laumann. Only about one-quarter of women report this level of frequency. As men and women age, each fantasize less, but men still fantasize about twice as often.
In a comprehensive survey of studies comparing male and female sex drives, Roy Baumeister, a social psychologist at Florida State University, found that men reported more spontaneous sexual arousal and had more frequent and varied fantasies.
2. Men seek sex more avidly.

"Men want sex more often than women at the start of a relationship, in the middle of it, and after many years of it," Baumeister concludes after reviewing several surveys of men and women. This isn't just true of heterosexuals, he reports: gay men also have higher frequency of sex than lesbians at all stages of the relationship. Men also say they want more sex partners in their lifetime, and are more interested in casual sex.
Men are more likely to seek sex even when it is frowned upon or even outlawed:

  • About two-thirds say they masturbate, even though about half also say they feel guilty about it, Laumann says. By contrast, about 40% of women say they masturbate, and the frequency of masturbation is smaller among women.
  • Prostitution is still mostly a phenomenon of men seeking sex with women, rather than the other way around.
  • Nuns do a better job of fulfilling their vows of chastity than priests. Baumeister cites a survey of several hundred clergy by Sheila Murphy in which 62% of priests admitted to sexual activity, compared to 49% of nuns. The men reported more partners on average than the women.
http://www.webmd.com/sex/features/sex-drive-how-do-men-women-compare
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Why Polygamy is allowed in Islam is something only Allah knows. The wisdom could be many, for example; times in history when there are more women than men, sexual desire, and so on.

Though it's important to say that there are many strings attached in Islam when it comes to getting into polygamy, so it's not like it's necassarily encouraged. The Qur'an also says it's better to marry 1, though if you can do justice, you can marry upto 4.
 
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Assalamualaikum.

There are three reasons why I will never have more than one wife.

Without intention to show off, I was a "lucky guy" who didn't have a problem to get someone. Even I didn't need to approach a girl, but the girls approached me. Frankly, I was familiar with moments when a girl felt disappointed, and even broken heart because I gave sign "No!, I don't want to choose you".

"Luck" that I had brought me to situation that becomes a dream of many men, expected, and even be loved by more than one girls at the same time.

What was the lesson that I got from my life as a "lucky guy"?. Basically, women are not willing if the man who she loves, loves another woman too. Also women are not willing if another woman loves the who she loves. Only "The Special Man" who can handle this situation, and I am not the special man. I could not handle situation when a girl so jealous because she knew other girls expect me too.

Another lesson?. Every woman has a different style of jealousy. :D

This is the first reason why I don't want to have a wife more than one.

The second reason?. When I was young, finally I chose a girl. Frankly, one factor that made me chose her was her beauty. She accepted me in our second meeting, and it made other men who expected her felt disappointed. But I could not marry her immediately because I must finish my study and get job.

However, later her beauty became a problem in our relationship. Like we know, men are attracted to beauty, and other men were still trying to get the girl who I intend to marry. It made me worry she would 'move to another heart'. Actually she was worry too because she knew, there were other girls who tried to approach me too.

Finally, she decide to end our relationship. She said she was worry I would not marry her, or if I marry her, later I would have other wives.

It broke my heart But, ..... less than two weeks later, I made a promise with a girl who now becomes my wife. Without intention to despise my first girl, the girl who now becomes my wife is more beautiful, and she had more admirers.

Same like with the first girl, I could not marry her immediately too because I must finish my study and get a job. And same situation happened again, even worse. I was so sick because many other were trying to get her too. I could not count how much of them because they were too much. Yes, my wife was a favorite woman who expected by many men.

And I began to understand, what a woman feel when she worry the man who she loves will 'move to the another heart'. This is the second reason why I don't want to marry another wife. I can understand what my wife would feel if I marry again.

And the third reason. I have been married for almost 18 years. There were many moments that I experience with my wife. And it makes me realize, my wife always loves me. She always try to becomes a good wife for me. So, why should I hurt her by marrying another woman?. No! I will never marry another woman, and I will always love my wife.

Yes, I am still a lucky guy. I have a beautiful wife who always loves me. And I am happy. Alhamdulillah.

:)
 
ardianto said:
And I began to understand, what a woman feel when she worry the man who she loves will 'move to the another heart'. This is the second reason why I don't want to marry another wife. I can understand what my wife would feel if I marry again.
And the third reason. I have been married for almost 18 years. There were many moments that I experience with my wife. And it makes me realize, my wife always loves me. She always try to becomes a good wife for me. So, why should I hurt her by marrying another woman?. No! I will never marry another woman, and I will always love my wife.
Yes, I am still a lucky guy. I have a beautiful wife who always loves me. And I am happy. Alhamdulillah.
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Mashallah! :D Yes you're lucky, and she is as well! Too bad all men aren't like you lol.

I think majority of the men nowadays marry again just for the "fun" of having another new woman in their life. It's purely for their desires alone. Almost all men who marry again, chose a girl younger than their first wife... And that's not how polygamy is supposed to be at all. They just abuse the religion that way. The main and utmost purpose of polygamy is so the man can help and support other women (mainly widows..etc..) and because there are more women than men. Instead of going for the divorced or poor women, they go for the young pretty girls. And then, of course, they forget all about the first wife. In these times, it's very difficult for a man to be just and fair.

Not only that, but many women don't prefer polygamy, though some enjoy the free time they get away from their husband, lol. But I've seen so many lives get shattered, so many families get torn apart, because of polygamy. Men should always remind themselves that this dunya is nothing but a road. You don't settle here, you just keep moving on until you reach the aakhira where you will finally rest in peace.

Not only men, but women also. If your husband is able to be just and support another woman, you can't stop him. Just make sure he's marrying for the right reasons. And wait for your reward in the hereafter. I know it sounds hard and all... And don't get me wrong, lol, when I get married and my husband even thinks about getting another wife, I'll most likely kill him in his sleep.

So thats why... marry a guy who's not that rich ;D
 
I think a good experiment would be if you were able to live as a man for just one day, on a hot summers day, in the middle of the city centre.

The above is the only remedy for your skepticism.

Check this out
In a world without pornography, where a man's wife is the only woman he would typically see in sexual situations, this process of conditioning would probably serve to make him more turned on by her particular features and habits, thus strengthening his attraction to her even as her body changes with age. In our highly sexualized western culture where a man sees many sexualized images of other women, sexual cues are created that have little or nothing to do with a man's wife, and are more likely to detract from the marriage relationship.
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It maybe that, those who want to have a second wife aren't really conditioning themselves to be aroused by their wife...there's a poor psychological bond and some men apply the wrong treatment. i.e going for another wife, thinking that it will provide respite from the bombardment on their brain, when the solution lies in going back to the wife and conditioning the brain to be aroused by her features and personality.

Q. Why was hawa enough for adam?

A. The place was deserted....so his bond with her was very strong



What do i prefer? i prefer to focus on keeping my mind pure and then after that...just one wife is enough insha'Allah
 
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~Zaria~ said:
JazakAllah for the above comments.


My general impression is that the majority of men who are seeking 2/3/4 wives are doing so to fulfill lustful desires......rather than having a charitable intention of wanting to assist a widow/ divorcee with kids.

I have been told that the sexual desires of (most?) men are much greater than that of women - and hence the reason that polygamy is permitted in Islam.

I am battling to accept/ understand this......

If this were to be true, then:

- why did Allah (subhanawataála) create only Hawa as a partner for Adam (alaihi salam)? (and not multiple women)

- Muhammed (sallalahu alaihi wasalam) remained in a monogous marriage for over 20 years. And when he did marry many women, it stemmed from noble reasons such as - caring for older divorcees/ widows, strengthening ties between rival groups.....and to teach his ummah different lessons from each marriage.

- Why did the prophet (sallahu alaihi wasalam) deny Ali (ra) permission to marry again (whilst in marriage to his daughter Fathimah (ra))?
We know that he feared that Fathimah (ra) may be hurt by this......and this was reason enough to request that Ali (ra) remain monogomous.


However, many polygamous marriages of today seem to stem from an unquenched physical desire......with the reasoning that 'man has been created this way'.

Has he really been created this way.....or is this a modern day reason for polygamy?




:wa:
Click to expand...

Is not that the point of the first marriage as well? Who marries first spouse as charity to the "widows or divorcee with kids"? Prophet pbuh hadith is clear on this "marry young women." It is proven by biology as well. Allah swt says in Quran that one of the dearest things to humans is theri progeny and their wealth. How do you reckon men can have a large progeny if they married older women? Fatima (ra) and Ali (ra) example is an exception. On the very other hand Umar (ra)h ad a number of wives. Umar (ra) was also the second caliph, while Ali (ra) the 4th. So it probably has more to do than "hurting" Fatima (ra). Someone with more knowledge on this can shed more light.

But it is also commendable and a good deed if someone wants to have a divorcee with kids as his first wife. I know that I do not. Different strokes for different blokes.

And sorry if I came across as angry in this post, I just got a traffic ticket for not wearing seat belt just right outside my parking lot.
 
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A marriage based solely on lust will not work.

If certain men want to marry other women simultaneously and will treat them equally as is their wives' rights, and if the first wife is happy with it, go for it.

Trouble is, it's difficult enough to provide for one wife, let alone three more plus the army of offspring sure to result.

Choose your battles, chaps.

And to answer the question, I personally do not wish to have more than one wife simultaneously. Just, no.
 
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Competing sexual associations.
Sexy images of women are frequently used in product advertisements. For example, many beer commercials exhibit scantily clad flirting women. The advertisers hope that the particular brand of beer will be perceived as "sexy" and desirable by its association with such images.

Just as sexy pictures can influence how you feel about different brands of beer, they can also influence how you feel about different features or behaviors of women. Just as a brand of beer can come to seem sexy to you because of its association with sexual images, female features or behaviors depicted in the same advertisement may also begin to seem sexy. For example, suppose you see a beer commercial in which an overtly sexy woman with green eyes and braided hair, wearing a lacy white top and sitting on a buckskin horse, blows a kiss at a man holding a can of Brand X beer. The advertiser hopes that Brand X beer will now seem sexy to you by association with this sexual image. What may actually happen, however, is that lacy white tops, braided hair, blown kisses, or even buckskin horses may suddenly seem more desirable to you. You may wish your wife had green eyes, or that she would wear such clothing, blow kisses at you or get into riding horses, etc. Since she does not, you feel frustrated with her.
Click to expand...

Some more info...to help remedy your skepticism.
 
The War of the Genders is more deadly than The War of the Worlds. ;D
 
I desire multiple wives. :statisfie May Allah make this small wish of mine come true. Everyone say Aameen. :p
 
^^ Why bro? Whyyyy??


Lol


(P.s. I know quite a few young widowed and divorced women with kids, who are looking to settle down......heres a chance to marry multiple, and for a good cause! : ) )
 
~Zaria~ said:
^^ Why bro? Whyyyy??


Lol


(P.s. I know quite a few young widowed and divorced women with kids, who are looking to settle down......heres a chance to marry multiple, and for a good cause! : ) )
Click to expand...


For the same reason Allah promised us many hoors in the hereafter. Allah knows best what a man desires...so he made hoors for the men who make it to the Jannah.
 
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