My wife does not want my other children to visit me

[Legolas]

Hi,
I reverted to Islam (born Catholic) and was married to an Italian wife. In the year 1998 she left me and I had to take care of my 2 daughters aged 3 and 5 years.

After a few years I met my present wife who is Libyan nationality. I got a marriage annulment and I married my present wife and a year before I had reverted to Islam. My present wife had also helped me raise my two daughters for about 2 years. She was very good with them. Later on in life both my daughters went to live with their Italian mother in Italy. In the meantime my present wife and I had 2 lovely boys and they are now aged 5 and 7 years.

My 17 year old daughter is planning to visit the country where she was born. She wishes to see me and her cousins and family.

My wife is giving a hard time and she is telling me that she does not want her in the house!!!! She raises her voice and threatens me to leave me if I let my daughter come.
She is saying all sorts of things that my daughters are western and they have sex before marriage, she says that she does not want to be a maid for my daughter and now Ramadan is coming and she will not want to cook and stuff.

Note: My daughter is passing through a difficult phase, maybe she is suffering the trauma of the past separation and she might be anorexic. She already went to hospital twice. This rejection from my wife will surely not help her confidence.My daughter expressed the wish to come down with her boy friend to visit me. Her boyfriend has helped her a lot and is her best friend.

I told my daughter that she has to follow some rules in the house when she is with her boyfriend and she agreed.


Does Islam support my wife in her decision? Or she is doing a bad thing?

 

[Snowflake]

Certain aspects of your problem can only be answered by a scholar. Why not both of you see one together, so that you can both be sure of your rights and duties. It'll save you both from further disputes in the future.

 

[Abz2000]

Assalamu'alaikum wr wb brother,
The ruling part, as sister snowflake rightly said, is best to ask a scholar.
But there are some points which your wife has that are worthy of respect,
Firstly, you have two young believing children and it won't be a good example for them to see someone older than them coming with an un-married "mate".
Secondly, Ramadan is a month of piety and getting spiritually and physically closer to your creator.
And unmarried couple who are not fasting can rip out a huge chunk of that taqwa from others.
So much so that you don't even feel that nearness to and presence of God.
With one family already torn apart, would you risk another especially when the wife has good and decent reasons?

And if the boyfriend loves and cares for her that much, it doesn't seem like it should be a difficult task for him to marry her if he's really sincere.

The legal ruling is important, but it is also something to reflect on personally since she is not forcing you but is willing to separate herself for her strong convictions.

May Allah make it easy for you.
Peace,
Your brother Abz

 

[Muslim Woman]

if u allow ur daugher with her boyfriend , it will be unIslamic and will be considered as a sin. As bro suggessted , they can marry and then u will have every right to welcome them .


U may give her expenses if she needs treatment but u must not support her unethicla relationship , it's not her right over u .

And Allah Knows Best.

 

[Hulk]

Tell your wife that as a father it is your responsibility to take care of your child. If the boyfriend comes make sure you are supervising. Don't be harsh to anyone, keeping your patience is very important. There is certainly the right way of how things should be but I believe it should be a gradual progress towards it rather than you just legislating stuff. So you gotta do it right!

 

[Muslim Woman]

. If the boyfriend comes make sure you are supervising.!

allow her boyfriend to come and stay with her and then supervise what ???? I don't understand . Can u pl. explain ?

why boyfriend needs to come ? If she can't travel alone , then father may go to her and take her home or arrange any Muharim .

 

[Hulk]

Wa alaykum salam

allow her boyfriend to come and stay with her and then supervise what ???? I don't understand . Can u pl. explain ?

why boyfriend needs to come ? If she can't travel alone , then father may go to her and take her home or arrange any Muharim .

Of course it would be better if the boyfriend isn't in the picture at all but legolas mentioned about the boyfriend so I think it should be taken into consideration in how to handle the situation, if he prevents him from coming or her from seeing him then it is likely that she will see him behind his back in which case he will have no control over.

By supervise I mean he should be present when the boyfriend is around. It can also give him a chance to see what kind of person the boy is.

If the daughter is obedient then I think it should be fine to explain to her that it is not good to be having such relationships, but I doubt that is the case so I think it would be better to be subtle but gradual.

 

[Legolas]

Wa alaykum salam


Of course it would be better if the boyfriend isn't in the picture at all but legolas mentioned about the boyfriend so I think it should be taken into consideration in how to handle the situation, if he prevents him from coming or her from seeing him then it is likely that she will see him behind his back in which case he will have no control over.

By supervise I mean he should be present when the boyfriend is around. It can also give him a chance to see what kind of person the boy is.

If the daughter is obedient then I think it should be fine to explain to her that it is not good to be having such relationships, but I doubt that is the case so I think it would be better to be subtle but gradual.

I thank you all for your time to look and answer.

I am more on the reasoning with Hulk. 2 years ago my elder daughter came with her boyfriend and everything was fine so I do not see anything differnt for my younger daughter.

By excepting her boyfriend into my house with her and laying down the rules of for example, no kissing, no physical contact of any sort, separate rooms and never together alone etc, etc....... I am sure that she will open her trust towards me more. Don't forget that I only see her once a year and I would like to get close to her and fulfill me responsability as a father of getting to know his children from the inside and not just as a father image on the outside.
As Hulk said, it will give me a chance to see what kind of person he is and his reasonings and his feelings towards my daughter.

It will also give a chance to her boyfriend and also my daughter to spend time with Muslims and also witness the dedication good Muslims have towards the Holy month of Ramadan in regards to fasting. Don't forget that western people are ignorant towards the understanding of Islam and by watching me and my family it might put a different pespective into my daughter and her boyfriend.

The problem is that my wife does not want to except out-right both of them into my house!!! I would understand that Muslims are suppose to be gentle and welcoming even to Catholics.

 

[Legolas]

if u allow ur daugher with her boyfriend , it will be unIslamic and will be considered as a sin. As bro suggessted , they can marry and then u will have every right to welcome them .


U may give her expenses if she needs treatment but u must not support her unethicla relationship , it's not her right over u .

And Allah Knows Best.

Thank you for your time to answer.

I was a Catholic and I reverted to Islam and I am a Muslim. Nothing can damage my faith because as a Muslim I feel a powerful protection from God and I am not afraid. Maybe that my daughter and her boyfriend being in the presence of good Muslims will come to understand the goodness to believe and respect God.

I live in a Catholic country and many Cathoilcs are distant from God and have no time to believe. I have to confess that my two daughters, just like many other youths, have lost their believe for God and His existence.

Therefore I believe that by bringing them into a house where they can see practicing Muslims and a believe and respect towards God, it will only do good.

 

[Legolas]

Assalamu'alaikum wr wb brother,
The ruling part, as sister snowflake rightly said, is best to ask a scholar.
But there are some points which your wife has that are worthy of respect,
Firstly, you have two young believing children and it won't be a good example for them to see someone older than them coming with an un-married "mate".
Secondly, Ramadan is a month of piety and getting spiritually and physically closer to your creator.
And unmarried couple who are not fasting can rip out a huge chunk of that taqwa from others.
So much so that you don't even feel that nearness to and presence of God.
With one family already torn apart, would you risk another especially when the wife has good and decent reasons?

And if the boyfriend loves and cares for her that much, it doesn't seem like it should be a difficult task for him to marry her if he's really sincere.

The legal ruling is important, but it is also something to reflect on personally since she is not forcing you but is willing to separate herself for her strong convictions.

May Allah make it easy for you.
Peace,
Your brother Abz

Thank you for your time to answer
As I said, nothing will tear or rip a true Muslim. Since I reverted to Islam, I feel a stronger and more powerful connection to God than when I was a Catholic. The Islamic religion has given me the true word of God and has shown me how Merciful He is.

My daughter and her boyfriend are only in their teens and I would never suggest for her to get married now. If she has to marry it has to be because she believes and because she truly loves. She still has to mature to achieve these.

 

[Snowflake]

Legolas: By excepting her boyfriend into my house with her and laying down the rules of for example, no kissing, no physical contact of any sort, separate rooms and never together alone etc, etc....... I am sure that she will open her trust towards me more.

You're right that muslims are supposed to be gentle to other people whatever their faith. But that could include being gentle in saying 'No' to something that one cannot accept. In no way does it mean making one's own life difficult. A wife is entitled to feel comfortable in her own home, to not be burdened and placed under hardships. In fact her rights go as far as asking for separate accommodation if she is not happy living with the husband's family.

Islam has not made it obligatory for the wife to cook for her husband, and a husband can only demand from her what Islam has made obligatory upon her, like praying, observing hijab and other obligatory acts. And basically, it's your duty to be there for your daughter, not your wife's.

I fear that by sticking to your guns out of your own desire and not be Islamic rulings, you will cause unnecessary distress and unhappiness to your wife, and dare I say shake up your marriage. We are not qualified to give the nitty gritty on such matters. So I sincerely urge you to consult an imam and go by his advice alone.

 

[Hulk]

Apologies I didn't know that the boyfriend was staying over if that is the case I hope you are very careful as teenagers can be pretty sneaky! I have a younger sister and one time our family were at our second home in a foreign country and her male friend(from that country) wanted to stay over as it was late (we had a bbq event that lasted till late). I didn't let him stay because I didn't trust that they wouldn't meet each other while I was asleep. So I gave him some money to take a cab and he went off. (I admit I was angry because I was only asked about it late at night which is like sort of forcing me to accept him to stay because it is hard to find a cab).

Whatever it is I hope you handle the situation well and also make sure that you ask your wife for opinions I think she would appreciate you asking, :statisfie

 

[Legolas]

You're right that muslims are supposed to be gentle to other people whatever their faith. But that could include being gentle in saying 'No' to something that one cannot accept. In no way does it mean making one's own life difficult. A wife is entitled to feel comfortable in her own home, to not be burdened and placed under hardships. In fact her rights go as far as asking for separate accommodation if she is not happy living with the husband's family.

Islam has not made it obligatory for the wife to cook for her husband, and a husband can only demand from her what Islam has made obligatory upon her, like praying, observing hijab and other obligatory acts. And basically, it's your duty to be there for your daughter, not your wife's.

I fear that by sticking to your guns out of your own desire and not be Islamic rulings, you will cause unnecessary distress and unhappiness to your wife, and dare I say shake up your marriage. We are not qualified to give the nitty gritty on such matters. So I sincerely urge you to consult an imam and go by his advice alone.

I don't think that a daughter of her husband and her boyfriend will be a burden and place hardship for a month holiday!! What hardship and burden can it cause for my wife?.....I wash the clothes of my family since we got married and I will ask my daughter to wash her own clothes. It is true it will be Ramadan but I'm sure my daughter can cook a plate of pasta and my wife can lend a hand to a bit of cooking..... it's called helping. My daughter can also clean her room and clean the bathroom (which is separate from ours) and my wife will have no hardship at all.

What I'm saying is why is my wife demanding me not to get my daughter and her boyfriend! Where are my rights? I'm asking for my wife to be receptive just for a month of this year! Can it be so difficult?????


My believe of a marriage is to give and take. Where is my wife giving? I will let you know that my wife is the dominant participant of the family and numerous times I shut my mouth and say yes not to anger her and argue.

You said it's my duty to be there for my daughter and not my wife's...... how can I be there if my wife will not let her enter in my house? Do I spend my family's money and book a hotel? Do I go to Italy myself? My wife has forbidden me to talk or to go near my X-wife (which I fully agree), so going to Italy myself is out of the question. My daughter has to come here. And after all she would like to see her birth place once a year and meet her cousins..... why does my wife, a good Muslim, is denying this moment for my daughter?

We are talking for a month not 1 year. Is a sacrifice so big for a good Muslim to do?

 

[جوري]

I think you answered your own question then while airing out family laundry which in my humble view wasn't necessary especially that your wife isn't not here to defend her position or share her points of view.
Does it not bother you (even as a former catholic) that your daughter is bringing a man into your house which you know she's sleeping with (outside of marriage) when you have young impressionable boys? It is your house after all so do what you wish it isn't up to any of us to tell you or her what to do but sure how many observing Christians/Jews/Muslims or anything in between who would prefer vice over virtue. I don't think anyone would have a problem seeing things from your point of view is she were a married 17 year old as opposed to what it comes across...

 

[Muslim Woman]

her boyfriend is a non Muhram to your wife . It will be a burden on her to maintain hijab inside the home in front of male guest .

Also there is a risk that your daughter may mix with him freely when u are not at res. If u don't want her getting married now , why u want to allow him to come with her ?



Why he must come with her ? If he wants to see how Muslims live , arrange his stay at any mosque or with other Muslim man . pl. stop supporting her mixing with opposite gender outside marriage , it's a major sin.

Also , as already suggested , talk to your wife how u can fulfill ur duty as a father without giving much pressure on your wife.

 

[Snowflake]

I don't think that a daughter of her husband and her boyfriend will be a burden and place hardship for a month holiday!! What hardship and burden can it cause for my wife?.....I wash the clothes of my family since we got married and I will ask my daughter to wash her own clothes. It is true it will be Ramadan but I'm sure my daughter can cook a plate of pasta and my wife can lend a hand to a bit of cooking..... it's called helping. My daughter can also clean her room and clean the bathroom (which is separate from ours) and my wife will have no hardship at all.

What I'm saying is why is my wife demanding me not to get my daughter and her boyfriend! Where are my rights? I'm asking for my wife to be receptive just for a month of this year! Can it be so difficult?????


My believe of a marriage is to give and take. Where is my wife giving? I will let you know that my wife is the dominant participant of the family and numerous times I shut my mouth and say yes not to anger her and argue.

You said it's my duty to be there for my daughter and not my wife's...... how can I be there if my wife will not let her enter in my house? Do I spend my family's money and book a hotel? Do I go to Italy myself? My wife has forbidden me to talk or to go near my X-wife (which I fully agree), so going to Italy myself is out of the question. My daughter has to come here. And after all she would like to see her birth place once a year and meet her cousins..... why does my wife, a good Muslim, is denying this moment for my daughter?

We are talking for a month not 1 year. Is a sacrifice so big for a good Muslim to do?

I understand your frustration and Islam does place a great emphasis on honouring guests and also blood ties even if they are non muslim.
So I hope you don't mind, but I took it upon myself to contact my local imam for advice and you'll be happy to know his advice went in your favour.

He said, that although having gf/bf is haram in Islam, but your daughter and her bf are not muslim and cannot be treated as such, so they despite their haram relationship they can visit you as long as they are segregated throughout the length of their stay. And that will be your duty to make sure that happens. That means no sharing room's not being alone with each other at any time even just to watch TV. Your wife should not object to them staying based on them being gf-bf. And because you are around there is no reason for her to serve the bf either. Masha Allah @imam's advice. Just be sure to make wifey happy by helping her as much as you can and reminding her of the virtues of honouring guests. When your daughter leaves, buy your wife a gift and tell her how much you appreciate what she did for you. That way you might be spared from GBH of the ear hole.

 

[Scimitar]

GBH of the ear hole - that is strangely funny, true and scary at the same time

Scimi

 

[Legolas]

I think you answered your own question then while airing out family laundry which in my humble view wasn't necessary especially that your wife isn't not here to defend her position or share her points of view.
Does it not bother you (even as a former catholic) that your daughter is bringing a man into your house which you know she's sleeping with (outside of marriage) when you have young impressionable boys? It is your house after all so do what you wish it isn't up to any of us to tell you or her what to do but sure how many observing Christians/Jews/Muslims or anything in between who would prefer vice over virtue. I don't think anyone would have a problem seeing things from your point of view is she were a married 17 year old as opposed to what it comes across...

I do not know if she is sleeping with him or not but in todays world it is very possible.
I am not looking for a soluation from all of you but this is a discussion and there is no harm in discussing and sharing different views and it wis interesting to see what other have to say.

From my point of view, I see no harm is my daughter visiting me with her boyfriend. It is better in my house than they go abroad together alone.
However, many are not seeing the point that I get to see my daughter only once a year and boyfriend or not my wife has made it clear that she does not want them in the house. Do you think that me, as a father, would not like to see his daughter? When my two daughter had left to Italy to live with my X-wife it was very heart breaking for me.
I knew that I would loose the opportunity of raising my children or watching them grow. What was worse, I knew that they will be raise with my x-wife and her new man!! The knowing that another man is raising my children was very painful. They were only about 5 and 9 years at that time.

Also the point that my daughters suffered the trauma of the separation and now my 17 year old daughter is suffering the consequances. So I would like to spend some time with her in the surrounding of my house as a family. Is that so bad?

 

[Legolas]

her boyfriend is a non Muhram to your wife . It will be a burden on her to maintain hijab inside the home in front of male guest .

Also there is a risk that your daughter may mix with him freely when u are not at res. If u don't want her getting married now , why u want to allow him to come with her ?



Why he must come with her ? If he wants to see how Muslims live , arrange his stay at any mosque or with other Muslim man . pl. stop supporting her mixing with opposite gender outside marriage , it's a major sin.

Also , as already suggested , talk to your wife how u can fulfill ur duty as a father without giving much pressure on your wife.

My wife will have no burden regarding the hijab because she never wore one.

There will be rules in the house and my daughter will never be alone with her boyfriend and they will not mix freely because I myself will terminate her holiday. I know my daughter and she will respect the rules I will put for them.

I don't believe it's a sin to be with a boyfriend or girlfriend. It's a sin if you sleep with a person outside marriage. I allowed him to come with her so I will get to know the boy that is with my daughter. My daughter is suffering from a physiological trauma of the separation and she is becoming anorexic so I want to be carful and want to make her happy so she can relax and maybe understand the problem that she has deep inside her. By being with us in a Muslim family she will be safe.

Also, my wife had excepted my elder daughter and her boyfriend 3 years ago in our house.

 

[جوري]

I believe sister snow has the answer you were looking for.. Hope this issue resolves for you in a way satisfactory to all especially you!

Good luck