Would you let your husband take another wife(s)?

[Indian Bro]

As-salamu alaykum,

If you go to places in the Middle East you'll find many big families and this is because the Arabs are quite rich and the men can afford more houses or really big houses. I don't think there's any compulsion in buying more houses to accommodate other wives if you are marrying more than one as a big house would suffice, however, I would rather buy a separate house for each wife as that is what the Prophet (PBUH) did. And I also think that if a wife has a problem with her husband wanting to marry one more then the problem doesn't lie on the husband but the problem is definitely within the wife. There is a wisdom behind this and Allah (s.w.t.) knows best, so the wives must treat it as a trial and if the husband doesn't do justice to all his wives then he will be questioned on the Day. And I think it's better if a husband is opting for taking another wife he should go for the ones that are needy though I don't think it's a rule? I might be wrong here.

And Allah Almighty knows best.

Salam 3laikum

 

[Ali_008]

Bro, you got a looot more to learn. :hmm:

I know. :exhausted

If she is making a personal request as a condition for consenting to you having a 2nd wife then that is different, but from an Islamic point of view it is not required for you to build her a house.

It is, indeed, a personal request, and I found it totally acceptable. Apart from that, if my marriage contract doesn't specify that I need my wife's permission for taking a second wife then I don't even need to ask her. I asked her in order to get to know her view of it, and like I said, it taught me a lot more about polygyny then I'd have ever learned from reading books or attending lectures. Sometimes conversations can get so surprisingly educational.

well yeah that's what I said if I had feelings for him then I imagine it would be hard to share and I think if his happiness is with another person then he should pursue it.

Oh come on, sister. If you choose the right guy for the job then inshaAllah you won't notice any drop in his love for you even if he takes another wife. Yes, he does have to divide the time equally between his wives, but when a guy is really committed to doing justice between his partners, I don't think that he'd make either of them feel unloved. It is all about having a righteous partner. For the guy, if he has pious wives, they make the job easier for him. For the women, the guy wouldn't want to displease Allah by favoring one over the other, and will constantly be concerned about the comfort of both (or all) of them.

Masha'Allaah!

Kudos to her, what a fabulous Sister!

You should be, Brother Ali_008!!!

I know. She's the love of my life, the apple of my eye. ALHAMDULILLAH :statisfie

Personally, I admire the man who is able to commit to a polygamous marriage, with the intentions of wanting to look after these women and the families that arise, in a fair and equal manner (as humanly possible).
And I admire the woman who is able to see past her emotional/ worldy attachment to another person - because she realises that our worldly relationships are temporary......and that oneday, insha Allah, we will all be united as a happy family (co-wives, and more : ) ) in an eternal life.

I have often thought about this, and to be honest, I dont think I am at that level of imaan, to help me see past my own insecurities and emotional attachment to one who may be beloved to me.
Coming from a second family that went very wrong

This. Exactly. Not only does this complete post (I've only quoted part of it) explain the man and wife's situation in polygyny really well, it also showcases why it is difficult for many of us to even consider it (including men).

Almost all of us have this prejudice against it despite it being permissible in Islam, because of what we've seen or heard as the outcome of these marriages. So far, in my life, all of the multiple wives situations I've heard of come from the non-praying folk. I know I shouldn't be judging people because of it, but it really makes you wonder about the fairness in these marriages. In some situations, the husband takes advantage of the situation by preferring one wife over the other just to get back at her which is absolutely awful to say the least. We don't have people like the sahaba among us for whom pleasing Allah was the utmost priority, and they set elite examples for us to follow even concerning taking more wives.

Usman (RadhiAllahu Anhu) took 8 wives during his lifetime, but never was he known as a man unjust or a bad husband. His excellence as a husband can easily be seen in the fact Rasoolullah :saws: himself gave two of his daughters in marriage to him. For those of you who are wondering how can a Muslim take 8 wives, the maximum number of wives allowed AT THE SAME TIME is 4. Usman (RadhiAllahu Anhu) took more wives after his former wives passed away. The two daughters of Rasoolullah :saws: (Umm Kulsoom and Ruqaiyah) as well expired while they were married to Usman.

We don't have such grand examples, but rather have the most heartbreaking stories with regards to polygyny.

Other than Arabs, I don't even think that it is so highly prevalent in any other culture. Of course, other cultures prefer mistresses and prostitutes.

 

[cOsMiCiNtUiTiOn]

Asalaam Aleikum,

Ya know, this subject is just....:heated: How many of you have actually witnessed a real polygamous marriage? I have witnessed two, and they are both extremely lopsided!

First let me say that, no man alive now is remotely close to being a prophet or a sahaba. Do you really think it's soooo easy to be fair to all of the wives? Think again.

second, remember that RasoolAllah's (saw) first marriage was not polyganous, he was married to Khadijah (ra) until she passed away. The rest of his marriages were to create unity among the people, he married women of different tribes. He wasn't marrying them for the reasons men now a days take on more wives(I don't like this wife so I'm gonna just take on another instead of trying to solve my issues with my current wife, or I want different kind of curry cuz I'm bored pffft). So please, do not even go there. Also remember that, Khadijah was soooo beloved to him that he let his future wives know all about her. One cannot be fair in the matters of the heart so keep that in consideration when shopping for a second wife.

u_u The whole not consulting your first wife. What is she? just a painting on the wall? Again, no man alive right now is close to being like the sahaba and women of today are not as strong as the sahabiyaat! Have consideration, my goodness. lol. (can you tell I've been needingt o get this out for a couple of years now? :embarrass )

All that being said. I do believe there's benefit to polygamous marriages when done correctly and for the proper reasons. If I ever had to face this, I would like to help choose my co-wife, because she will be part of my family. Her children will be siblings to mine and ultimately how my husband gets along with her will affect my marriage with him. I would also like her to live in very close proximity to me so that we can visit and keep each other company while husband is away. That would be in a perfect world though wouldn't it?

I would NOT however, allow a polygamous marriage if my husband started a relationship with another woman and then used his "i can have more than one wife" card on me. I have heard this story so many times, witnessed it once and it is disastrous! for everyone involved. imsad

my two pesos.

- cOsMiC

 

['Abd-al Latif]

^

I really do wonder what the world would be like if more Muslim women held a similar view. More cohesion between Islam and Muslims?

 

[CosmicPathos]

^

I really do wonder what the world would be like if more Muslim women held a similar view. More cohesion between Islam and Muslims?

that's cosmic's view, not Islam's view. That's her interpretation of Islam and polygamy. Does not necessarily mean it is the right one.

Prophet pbuh might not have been able to marry other women while married to Khadijah because of many reasons, least of which was that he did not want to marry othre women. It could be that he did not have time, it could be he was burdened by some personal struggles etc. CosmicIntuition, your argument really does not stand. sorry.

 

['Abd-al Latif]

that's cosmic's view, not Islam's view. That's her interpretation of Islam and polygamy. Does not necessarily mean it is the right one.

Prophet pbuh might not have been able to marry other women while married to Khadijah because of many reasons, least of which was that he did not want to marry othre women. It could be that he did not have time, it could be he was burdened by some personal struggles etc. CosmicIntuition, your argument really does not stand. sorry.

I believe her view is justified and balanced. Can you prove so otherwise?

 

[CosmicPathos]

I believe her view is justified and balanced. Can you prove so otherwise?

I have. I have already argued that Prophet's monogamous marriage to Khadija ra does not mean anything in the context of polygamy. Cosmic used that example to sshow how monogamy >> polygamy cuz even Prophet pbuh had only 1 wife at that time!! I showed that the reason Prophet had only 1 wife was not necessarily that he did not want other wives (he was a man after all), it could be that he just had other personal struggles to deal with before he could marry a second one.

 

[CosmicPathos]

ill give an easier example. I am not married. I have some personal issues going in life for a few years now and hence I have decided to not get married till I heal myself first. Now its like cosmic looks at me from a distance and makes an assumption that cosmicpathos does not want to get married cuz well so far he has not married! While the reality is I want to get married, not to 1 but to 4. She is doing the same thing with Prophet pbuh's example and his monogamous marriage to Khadijah.

 

[islamica]

Cosmic you have very simplistic and naive way of looking at it. Your responses are based on assumptions which cannot be proved. The fact however is clear. Prophet (s) chose not to marry more than one because he had no need for it. He was married and content with his life. Allah gave him all he needed till he was ready to receive prophethood. Afterwards he married more than on for many reasons, political alliance being one of them. His marriage to Aisha r.a. was ordained by Allah. All of this was done on purpose of by the will of Allah so we have an example in him. Also so the kuffars who call him pedo for marrying aisah r.a. or womeniser for marrying so many would have useless accusations since he married an older woman for 25yrs while in his youth. So everything he did, whether he was aware or not, was by the will of Allah and with a purpose. I think you will do well to educate yourself on the seerah of the prophet in depth before bringing him into this topic with your baseless assumptions.

 

['Abd-al Latif]

You haven't proved anything yet bro because what you've said is only speculation.

I believe cOsMiCiNtUiTiOn's view is justified because (1) what she has said is in fact in accordance with some of the reasons why the Messenger :saws1: married more than once (as is mention by Ibn Khateer if I remember correctly), and (2) I also believe it is balanced as she is encouraging polygamy despite the fact that a lot of sisters are probably inclined to be against it because of insecurity from their husbands, and what they probably perceive as unfair treatment. Let's establish a little justice here: what security is the first wife going to have if she's not even consulted in a big decision of her life partner's second marriage? Your first marriage was (or will be) a big deal to both of you – but your second marriage isn't? It is after all her life partner that she's sharing, she will have to get along with her second wife for you to live a peaceful life and you'll have to bear the brunt of both wives if you avoid the benefits of basic communication.

Even the reasons that cOsMiCiNtUiTiOn mentioned about brothers nowadays taking second wives are true. Being close to the Shari'ah Council in London, I've come to learn that "practising" brothers and sisters have failed marriages because both the man and woman don't know the rights and obligations of his or her spouse. Both parties are either ignorant of these rights and obligations or they overlook the benefits of communication, patience and sacrifice. Ibn Taymiyyah (rahimullah) spoke very highly about taking into account the benefits of things and said that the one who does and is able to practically apply the concept of benefit in real life situations is a scholar/shaykh. If brothers take something as small as communicating with their wives about a second wife, while duly taking into account that their first marriage is healthy, then maybe plural marriages, let along monogamous marriages, will have a greater chance of surviving.

Having said all this, it is still possible that a woman can still be against her husband taking a second wife, but this is a different discussion which I will not get into right now. I will however say that every Muslim woman should take into account her eman and ask herself where she stands with her Lord by stubbornly refusing a sunnah. Marriage is but a means to get closer to Allah and not fulfilling just a means to fulfil lust and desire.

 

[Ali_008]

u_u The whole not consulting your first wife. What is she? just a painting on the wall? Again, no man alive right now is close to being like the sahaba and women of today are not as strong as the sahabiyaat! Have consideration, my goodness. lol. (can you tell I've been needingt o get this out for a couple of years now? )

All that being said. I do believe there's benefit to polygamous marriages when done correctly and for the proper reasons. If I ever had to face this, I would like to help choose my co-wife, because she will be part of my family. Her children will be siblings to mine and ultimately how my husband gets along with her will affect my marriage with him. I would also like her to live in very close proximity to me so that we can visit and keep each other company while husband is away. That would be in a perfect world though wouldn't it?

I would NOT however, allow a polygamous marriage if my husband started a relationship with another woman and then used his "i can have more than one wife" card on me. I have heard this story so many times, witnessed it once and it is disastrous! for everyone involved.

:wasalamex

Very well put, cosmicintuition.

I don't really know possible motives people these have behind taking more wives. I've heard that in Saudi Arabia, it is a status symbol to have more wives. It is like if a man is rich, he must have multiple wives. I don't completely find it wrong either, because it is best that only those take more wives who can afford it. The dislike towards one wife cannot be a good reason to take another one.

I wholeheartedly agree with what you say, Sister. Husbands should work on fostering good relations between the wives. Not keep them in the same house, but keep them close enough for them to be able to visit each other, and cement their friendship. You raised a very good point that every wife should get to meet her co-wife before the nikkah itself, because both of them can have sense of safety and trust if they know it beforehand what they are getting into.

Alhamdulillah, when I had these discussions with my wife, she was surprisingly very supportive of it, and said a few things that shocked me to my core. I mean she went as far as saying that the 2nd wife can take of our kids while we are out, and she'll take care 2nd wife's kids while I'm out with wife #2. It was pretty groundbreaking to hear all those things, but at the same time, I reminded her that all these things are easier said than done. Allahu Alam how each woman would behave when she's exposed to a polygyny situation. My wife still maintains that she won't stop me from doing something which Allah has made permissible. Alhamdulillah summa Alhamdulillah

I also agree with what you said about the extra-marital affair part. If that happens, it shouldn't even indicate co-wife-hood, it should be a signal for the D word.

 

[ardianto]

I remember my parents in-law neighbor, who has been moved now. She was a woman who lived with her kids, work hard to make money with sell foods. Where was her husband?. In the young wife home. He rarely back to his old wife home, rarely gave money to old wife and kids from old wife, but always stayed in young wife home and always gave his money to his young wife.

In another case, I knew a young wife who lived alone. Her husband lived with his old wife, and came to her only to have sex, then go.

Believe it or not, mostly of polygamy that I've seen are polygamy like these. Only few polygamy that really Islamic polygamy which the husband are always fair to all of his wives.

And anybody know? there are few non-Muslims men who pretend convert to Islam only to do polygamy with Muslim women.

 

[CosmicPathos]

Cosmic you have very simplistic and naive way of looking at it. Your responses are based on assumptions which cannot be proved. The fact however is clear. Prophet (s) chose not to marry more than one because he had no need for it. He was married and content with his life. Allah gave him all he needed till he was ready to receive prophethood. Afterwards he married more than on for many reasons, political alliance being one of them. His marriage to Aisha r.a. was ordained by Allah. All of this was done on purpose of by the will of Allah so we have an example in him. Also so the kuffars who call him pedo for marrying aisah r.a. or womeniser for marrying so many would have useless accusations since he married an older woman for 25yrs while in his youth. So everything he did, whether he was aware or not, was by the will of Allah and with a purpose. I think you will do well to educate yourself on the seerah of the prophet in depth before bringing him into this topic with your baseless assumptions.

Ya right, simplistic and naive, just because I've rejected your interpretation of it?

I have made no assumption. You ARE the one making assumption that Prophet had no need for it. Did Prophet leave behind words saying "I did not marry any other woman while married to Khadija because I did not have need for it?" Did he leave behind SUCH words? No. Hence, you are the ONE making assumptions about why he did what he did and then imposing it on us modern men via your cancerous religion of feminism. Irradiate feminism and all feminists.

I am quite well educated on his seerah. Thanks but no thanks.

 

[CosmicPathos]

You haven't proved anything yet bro because what you've said is only speculation.

I believe cOsMiCiNtUiTiOn's view is justified because (1) what she has said is in fact in accordance with some of the reasons why the Messenger :saws1: married more than once (as is mention by Ibn Khateer if I remember correctly), and (2) I also believe it is balanced as she is encouraging polygamy despite the fact that a lot of sisters are probably inclined to be against it because of insecurity from their husbands, and what they probably perceive as unfair treatment. Let's establish a little justice here: what security is the first wife going to have if she's not even consulted in a big decision of her life partner's second marriage? Your first marriage was (or will be) a big deal to both of you – but your second marriage isn't? It is after all her life partner that she's sharing, she will have to get along with her second wife for you to live a peaceful life and you'll have to bear the brunt of both wives if you avoid the benefits of basic communication.

Even the reasons that cOsMiCiNtUiTiOn mentioned about brothers nowadays taking second wives are true. Being close to the Shari'ah Council in London, I've come to learn that "practising" brothers and sisters have failed marriages because both the man and woman don't know the rights and obligations of his or her spouse. Both parties are either ignorant of these rights and obligations or they overlook the benefits of communication, patience and sacrifice. Ibn Taymiyyah (rahimullah) spoke very highly about taking into account the benefits of things and said that the one who does and is able to practically apply the concept of benefit in real life situations is a scholar/shaykh. If brothers take something as small as communicating with their wives about a second wife, while duly taking into account that their first marriage is healthy, then maybe plural marriages, let along monogamous marriages, will have a greater chance of surviving.

Having said all this, it is still possible that a woman can still be against her husband taking a second wife, but this is a different discussion which I will not get into right now. I will however say that every Muslim woman should take into account her eman and ask herself where she stands with her Lord by stubbornly refusing a sunnah. Marriage is but a means to get closer to Allah and not fulfilling just a means to fulfil lust and desire.

No speculations, really.

I look at Prophet pbuh as a mere human being with similar limitations that all human beings have except that he was not a sinner. He however did make mistakes and was not all knowledgeable.

Prophet pbuh has left behind no reason as to why did not he marry any other woman while he was married to Khadijah. To claim that it was because he had no desire for polygamy at that point is baseless accusation on Prophet. As for islamicas comment that "he was content with what Allah had written", if that is true then why did Prophet decide to stop herding sheep and take up business trip to Syria? He should have been content with sheep herding.

As for rights/obligations of marriage, do kaafirs with successful marriages fulfill all of them and hence continue to live together till death?

 

[Alpha Dude]

No woman would share her husband with another woman and be happy with it. Deep down there will always be a state of unrest within her even if she agrees and this is likely to bubble up at some point or another. Don't be rash and assume just because she has said yes that she will not feel sad at you.

If a guy is married and wants his (only) wife to be happy and not upset her, it would be a bad idea to take on another wife.

 

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

So dear sisters, would you allow your husband to take another wife?

Yes I would. I used to be a little open about it before anyways, but I feel moreso now.

The reasons are because I love Allah more than myself, and I love my husband more than I love myself. I also know that it's something that I can handle inshallah. Jealousy is not something my husband has ever made me feel, nor my family, and it's not an easy emotion for me to feel because I'm thankful for everything I have. Emotions change overtime, I don't want a little emotion to be in the way of something that could be good for me or lead me into jannah inshallah. I know that if it ever came down to him wanting a 2nd wife it wouldn't be for a frivolous reason, and I know his character is the type that honestly would be a person who would be capable of doing it the right way mashallah. The only thing I want from my husband is for him to remain as he is or become better than the way he currently is in piety, kindness, respectfulness, etc.

I also think sometimes if a woman can accept being a 2nd wife, then maybe she is in more need of having a husband than my husband is of having a 2nd wife. There are things we humans can only see on the surface of a situation, but Allah let's things happen the way they do because he knows the entirety of the situation and the pureness of the people involved, and how could I ever argue against what I can't see??

Before marriage, I'd play with the idea of actually having someone there who'd be like my sister, and we'd help each other in our iman, and raise our kids together, etc. I think positively of it all because it's a part of Islam that is halal, and I'd prefer this over my husband doing something haram. Plus, my husband did marry me, so if he married anyone other than me, I'm sure she'd be just as awesome

Scenario: If I had a husband who let's say just wanted a wife for his own personal reasons, I'd still be open to it simply because I'd assume there's something that I could not fulfill that he was able to find in someone else, which I'd be ok with because I'm not perfect. As long as my husband is pious and pleasing Allah, that is more than I could ever ask for because I'd know he'd fear Allah to wrong either one of us.

Scenario: If I had a husband who was not all that pious (kind of difficult to think of), I would not mind him to marry a 2nd wife with the sole possibility that she would help increase his piety. However, if this did not happen, then I would not want to be with my husband anymore.

Inshallah khair wa allahu a'lem.

fi aman Allah
w'salaam

 

[~ Sabr ~]

No... Never... Nunca.... Jamais.... Nie... أبدا... Nooit... ποτέ... کبھی نہیں...

 

[Qurratul Ayn]

The reasons are because I love Allah more than myself, and I love my husband more than I love myself. I also know that it's something that I can handle inshallah. Jealousy is not something my husband has ever made me feel, nor my family, and it's not an easy emotion for me to feel because I'm thankful for everything I have. Emotions change overtime, I don't want a little emotion to be in the way of something that could be good for me or lead me into jannah inshallah. I know that if it ever came down to him wanting a 2nd wife it wouldn't be for a frivolous reason, and I know his character is the type that honestly would be a person who would be capable of doing it the right way mashallah. The only thing I want from my husband is for him to remain as he is or become better than the way he currently is in piety, kindness, respectfulness, etc

Before marriage, I'd play with the idea of actually having someone there who'd be like my sister, and we'd help each other in our iman, and raise our kids together, etc. I think positively of it all because it's a part of Islam that is halal, and I'd prefer this over my husband doing something haram. Plus, my husband did marry me, so if he married anyone other than me, I'm sure she'd be just as awesome

Subhan'Allaah! :'( You are my heroine!!!

I love you so much!!! The fact you put it like that (your second part that I quoted) shows what an amazing, awesome person you are!!! O :Allah: please shower this wonderful sister of mine and her family with Your blessings and mercy and may she and her family always strive on the right path and not let anything sway them from their path to please You. Please :Allah:

I personally haven't spoken to my husband yet about taking more than one wife and he has not said anything to me about it yet, but I should have this discussion and see what he thinks. We've had a very interesting and challenging (from my perspective) first few married years, it really was for me, but now :alhamd: it is going absolutely brilliantly.

You've inspired me, Sister *charisma*. I'm going to be brave.

 

[tearose]

Would it be ok if two wives lived in different apartments in the same large house?

 

[Cabdullahi]

Ali opened a can of worms