Rejected for dark complexion

[Anam Amrin]

Asalamwalekum,

Today i wanted to share something thats been bothering me a lot lately.

I am constantly reminded by all the suitors that I am not good enough coz I have brown/golden complexion.

Although I am very similar to my elder sisters in terms of features but I am a little darker in complexion when compared to them. My sisters have never had any issue with proposals and have got married AlhamdulliAllah.

So I have done my masters and I earn more than what most of the proposals ( through some marriage consultants )
are sent. I am passionate about cooking and very particular cleanliness. Most important of all i offer namaz 5 times a day and read Quran (though my Arabic is not that great) .

So the point I am trying to make is though I have got some qualities in me why is it that I am still not preferred by anyone. It makes me feel unwanted and not being worthy of any happiness.

When i was in college a lot of other faith people walked up to me to compliment me . I was complimented for a pretty face and for looking a lot younger than my actual age.

Now that my mom and brother have started looking for matches I am rejected almost all the time. Sometimes someone rejects by saying she is not fair and some reject by saying she is not tall enough. Once a lady rolled up her sleeves to tell my mom that she is looking for someone who is as fair as her arm. I felt humiliated in front of everyone.

My question if Allah has chosen this body and complexion for me then why I am being insulted and humiliated . Nobody even tries to know the qualities that i have and rejects me just coz of my complexion.

Allah says in Quran that we were made different so that we could be recognised then why all the difference.

Sadly the only discrimination I see coming is from Muslims not people of other faith.

I feel that I am not worthy of happiness and should give up on the idea of marriage (live all alone).

 

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

I saw someone on a different site for motherhood ask about how she can change her baby's complexion. I was so shocked to read something like that because how could a mother not even favor her own child's skin tone??

I am so sorry for what you are going through, and the only thing I can say is that you do not need anyone judgmental like that in your life, not the suitor nor his family. In your culture, it may be a rare thing to find someone being more open and accepting of anyone's skin tone, and if that's the case then you should not be resistant to finding that one nonjudgemental person nor should you want to give up and lose hope just because of your experiences right now. You are not the problem, they are. I don't know if you or your family are more open to suitors of other cultures, but there are many people who will not discriminate against you like that. I just find it rude that they are very forward about their opinions over something that you can't change.

Also sis, just understand that people do have their preferences in appearance. I'm not saying that what the suitors or their mother's are doing to you is at all acceptable, but that attractiveness is an important factor when it comes to marriage. In a lot of cases, opposites attract so darker people may be more attracted to lighter skinned people and vice versa, and sometimes good personality and other things are the greater factors and can make anyone attractive despite color. In your case, they have not really given you a chance to express your qualities nor have some of the suitors even seen you before their mother's have rejected you I'm guessing, so I say take it as a blessing in disguise and be thankful that these types of people are not deserving to be part of your life, nor should you want them to! do not feel discourage because Allah does not neglect the pure souls <3

 

[Born_Believer]

People have different views on beauty, it's all very subjective. However, if a potential suitor of his relatives do not like you or they way you look, it's exceptionally rude for them to broadcast that view so openly. I doubt you would ever want to marry into a family like that.

At the end of the day, keep doing what you're doing and Allah will give you a match better than you can imagine even now, inshallah.

In terms of the whole complexion issue, you have to understand that the vast majority of the muslim world, from Africa through the middle east to Asia was ruled by Europeans. Mainly the British, the French and the Dutch. They perpetuated this idea that white is beautiful and dark/brown/black is not. it's an idea that was so embedded into the minds of the colonial subjects that it still endures to this day and not just in the Muslim community. It's stupid imo but hey, that's the way it is and as Muslims, we should all be optimistic about where our life will take us.

 

[Anam Amrin]

Thank you for your kind words it really helps me to feel good about myself. I do understand that there are preferences when it comes to selecting a partner but the problem is that the preference starts and ends with complexion. I live in India where most of the people are brown complexioned but people still prefer white over brown, our community being the most discriminating.

The proposals don't go beyond the pictures and if they do then the mothers of the suitors who come to my place make me feel as if i am some sort of spot which should be erased altogether.

The problem is so deep rooted that even a dark complexioned guy wants a snow white as a partner and sadly the mothers encourage their behaviour.

I am disheartened coz I have to go through this humiliation each time someone comes with a proposal. It's like i am some dummy doll who has no feelings or emotions and somehow people have got the rights to judge or humiliate me.

 

[Hafiz Ikram]

It's something you should not worry about at all. If someone is jealous of you, it means you have some qualities. A person with no qualities has no critics. Once a person came to the prophet and asked about a person. The prophet asked does he have any critic? "Yes", replied the person. The prophet said, "then he must be a good human."

 

[kritikvernunft]

I live in India where most of the people are brown complexioned but people still prefer white over brown, our community being the most discriminating.

You could look outside India? For example, in my case, my father is European/white and my mother is African/black, the reverse of Obama's ancestry. I am ok with any type of complexion. My brother and my sister are married to African/black. I am the only one who isn't. My siblings found them more suitable for the purpose of marriage. I married a Southeast Asian wife.

I am sure quite a few men outside India will think that you are attractive. I am quite convinced that if I saw your picture, I would also think that you are attractive. Why not?

Concerning "So I have done my masters and I earn more than ...", I must admit that I would also feel intimidated if you happened to make more than me. It would certainly be a show stopper. Furthermore, a master's degree is not a requirement. Making lots of money isn't either. A white skin isn't either. I would have no qualms at all with dark black skin, like for example in Tamil Nadu or so. In fact, I feel like I should start taking in second-wife applications from darker-skinned ladies having difficulties with silly male light-skin preferences! ;-)

 

[fhmn63]

May Allah give you a better spouse .

 

[kritikvernunft]

May Allah give you a better spouse .

Allah surely will, inch' Allah. What nonsense is that stuff about darker skin anyway? It did not stop Obama from becoming president of the USA, did it? As you can imagine, you just need to tell people what they want to hear. Obama turned out to be top number one at that. Congratulations! I think that I should bring my friends and fly to India to collect darker-skinned second wives there, who the hell cares. It is probably also just a question of telling them what they want to hear! Well, along with a moderate mahar I would say! ;-)

 

[piXie]

Say Alhamdulillah sis, and thank Allah for all those rejections. Carry on being generous, graceful and pleasant to your guests and most of all be very sincere and hospitable. We should be sincere to our guests n offer them the best, but if they prefer otherwise they should be allowed that choice without us feeling or taking any offence. Offer them pure brown sugar in their tea, but if they prefer the white bleached one, then just smile and serve the one they like. Offer to make them the wholemeal brown flour roti, but if they dont like the brown one, then again - smile and make them the white one. Offer them pure golden honey over their dessert, but if they prefer the white syrup, then smile and serve it. Be sincere to them and do not be offended by their choices and neither think that those items were rejected because they were not good or pure enough. Rather, we need to change our perspectives in life. What people choose or reject is not a criteria of what is valuable. People are ignorant about what's good for them and deprive themselves a lot by the choices they make in life.

Be confident and concentrate on purifying your heart, because this is what will determine our acceptance by Allah, and what will count in the end. Make du'a to Allaah and be patient until the right people who value this knock on your door. And may you and your family accept them when they do. Aameen

 

[altaf.786]

Salaam Sister Anam,

Please don't listen to others or feel bad about yourself. Allah swt has made you unique and I am sure your beautiful. Also, ignore these type of women who use fairness as a sign of beauty. This is a typical pakistani/indian culture. Ignore them focus on yourself. Also, please read the below dua to help you find a spouse insha allah am sure you will find one very soon and eventually you will forget all this. Couple of my cousins are also going through this so your not the only one. But eventually all good will happen to you insha allah so stay positive and be happy as we never know when our time will be up. Plus, tbh I don't want to put you off from marriage but trust me its a BIG change in your life and you will miss this time like we all do. So stay happy and blessed and don't let people take over your life due to colour/height. No one is perfect I remember when my mother was looking we used to just not respond if we were not interested due to whatever reason i.e not a suitable match this was to avoid breaking other persons heart. I pray to allah swt that you find the best spouse and you live happily. Insha allah Ameen

رَبِّ إِنِّى لِمَآ أَنزَلۡتَ إِلَىَّ مِنۡ خَيۡرٍ۬ فَقِيرٌ۬

 

[Anam Amrin]

I will surely try this dua. I believe Allah (SWT) does everything for a reason but I also wish that people start looking for proposals or matches the way our prophet (pbuh) mentioned .

I know I am not alone who is facing this. A lot of sisters are going through it. I am glad that I have a family that supports me but that's not the case with a lot of sisters. The discrimination starts in their homes and then continues outside.

I pray that Allah (SWT) gives us all sabr

 

[mission2succeed]

Asalamwalekum,

Today i wanted to share something thats been bothering me a lot lately.

I am constantly reminded by all the suitors that I am not good enough coz I have brown/golden complexion.

Although I am very similar to my elder sisters in terms of features but I am a little darker in complexion when compared to them. My sisters have never had any issue with proposals and have got married AlhamdulliAllah.

So I have done my masters and I earn more than what most of the proposals ( through some marriage consultants )
are sent. I am passionate about cooking and very particular cleanliness. Most important of all i offer namaz 5 times a day and read Quran (though my Arabic is not that great) .

So the point I am trying to make is though I have got some qualities in me why is it that I am still not preferred by anyone. It makes me feel unwanted and not being worthy of any happiness.

When i was in college a lot of other faith people walked up to me to compliment me . I was complimented for a pretty face and for looking a lot younger than my actual age.

Now that my mom and brother have started looking for matches I am rejected almost all the time. Sometimes someone rejects by saying she is not fair and some reject by saying she is not tall enough. Once a lady rolled up her sleeves to tell my mom that she is looking for someone who is as fair as her arm. I felt humiliated in front of everyone.

My question if Allah has chosen this body and complexion for me then why I am being insulted and humiliated . Nobody even tries to know the qualities that i have and rejects me just coz of my complexion.

Allah says in Quran that we were made different so that we could be recognised then why all the difference.

Sadly the only discrimination I see coming is from Muslims not people of other faith.

I feel that I am not worthy of happiness and should give up on the idea of marriage (live all alone).

Sis first of all make sure your parents are looking for someone who is practicing the religion.
Secondly each time someone shows interest perform istikara (by praying two units of istikara)

By doing the above it will make it easier for you to except the outcome of the result insha'allah.

Remember sis Allah is always there for you so ignore any of the doubts that come your way from the shaitaan.
If it is written for you to marry then the right person will come along just remain on your deen and hopeful.

 

[Scimitar]

Personally speaking, I've always found darker skin to be attractive - especially if it is lush and healthy with nur.

i can't be the only one, right... tell me I am not alone in this someone

Scimi

 

[Serinity]

Personally speaking, I've always found darker skin to be attractive - especially if it is lush and healthy with nur.

i can't be the only one, right... tell me I am not alone in this someone

Scimi

I don't think you are the only one. you are definitely not the only one.

To the OP, I know it is hard, but stay happy and get closer to Allah. Keep reading Qur'aan, Do NOT stop!

Do Istikhara. And don't let people's negatives weight you down. Allah created you beautiful, and you are. Believe it! Looks aside, confidence is a good trait. (not to be confused with arrogance. Arrogance and confidence is not the same nor is shyness and insecurity. I think.)

And Allah :swt: knows best.

 

[Scimitar]

Golden Brown texture like sun
Lays me down with my mind she runs
Throughout the night
No need to fight
Never a frown with Golden Brown

Every time just like the last
On her ship tied to the mast
To distant lands
Takes both my hands
Never a frown with Golden Brown

Golden Brown, finer temptress
Through the ages she's heading west
From far away
Stays for a day
Never a frown with Golden Brown

(La la la la la la la la leeeah)

Never a frown
With Golden Brown
Never a frown
With Golden Brown

-the stranglers

Scimi​

 

[noraina]

Wa alaykum assalam,

Ukhti, I understand how upsetting this can be at first, but the fault is not at all with you, it is with those people who fail to see your true beauty. As others have said, you haven't lost out on much. If there are some people so narrow-minded and unknowledgeable about the deen as to reject someone purely because they don't fit into their definition of 'beauty'., you definitely don't want to spend too much time around them. They didn't deserve you and it's a blessing in disguise they're gone.

InshaAllah, you'll find someone who will value you for everything that makes you unique as a person.

Unfortunately there's this whole obsession in the subcontinent with fair features and pale skin....some sort of inferiority complex. Once I saw a mother saying her fairer daughter was more beautiful than her other daughter who was more olive-coloured - a lot of girls are made to live with those kind of comments, sometimes it drives me insane.

You'll be in my duas...

 

[فصيح الياسين]

Our mother ume saoda r.a wife of nabi a.s was also of extreme dark skin.. but most politest than other wives.. also she was tall too..
So dont worry.. marriage is rizq .. and u will eat it.. all is to do patience and u get virtues on it.. also ticket to heaven with it

 

[Delete.]

Wa alaykum a'salam, beautiful sister.
Allah Subhana wa Ta'ala has given us the Mercy of Islam and with it eliminated all of the Jahilliyah practices of judging someone based on their tribe, caste, fame, colour of their skin, or wealth. The most honourable of men and women are the most pious, the ones with good character, and it is not correct to defame a believer based on their skin colour, any man worth marrying will know this. So if they reject you based on your complexion, it is best for you. Allah knows best. May Allah grant you a righteous husband.

 

[aaj]

A person may marry a woman for 4 reasons.

1. her wealth
2. her status in society
3. her beauty
3. her deen

While deen is the best one, it doesn't necessarily mean it has to be only that and not a combination of the above. The hadith just emphasizes that deen should be the larger deciding factor. But anyways, beauty is relative and vary person to person, culture to culture, society to society. If someone wants another for a more fair complexion than that is perfectly fine and within his right and preference to do so. Islam allows us choices based on our preferences. What isn't allowed in Islam is mistreating someone and being prejudice about it based on their looks. They should fear Allah do not put them on the receiving end.

It's good to know your family is supportive of you. Would be nice if they defended you a bit as well from the visitors mouthing off about how 'white' they want you to be. You should be happy with the way Allah created you and not care what these people think or say. Take this as a blessing in disguise because Allah is filtering them out from your life before you even get married so the one you do marry inshallah will accept you for you and not cause trouble about this later on. Be patient and keep making dua for the best inshallah

 

[anatolian]

Actually the main reason of this is the white supremacy. Indian sub-continent was ruled by the British Empire for a very long time and they established the understanding that white is fair and superior therefore to be obeyed. Today unfortunately your fellow Indians still couldn't get rid off this understanding.

My simple advice to you find your husband yourself. Get rid off the mothers