Serious Issue with my middle brother

[limitless]

My brother, who is middle because there are three of us. He is now considered a sinner from my persective and my mom and other family members.

Since our old house, which is six years ago, he got addicted to internet chatting. He used to chat so much to girls and then meet and etc. My mom found out and so did my dad, they threaten and told him nicely and Islamically; however he argued that my dad abused and stuff. My mom kept telling him to stop and to forgive your father for his wrong doings, yet he contiuned. Then he used my elder brothers abuses to get out of it. Gradually, he separated himself, isolated from the family. He bought his own food, snacks, drinks and never shared with any of the family member. He ate the snacks and drinks right in front of us (the family members) and never asked to share it and never wanted to. Next, we moved into a large house and he has a separate room. He is 24/7 in that room and is on chat rooms, chatting with girls (most of them are muslims and in their teen years, my age).

I sneaked into his room (which I am not suppose to) but to see what he does and try to stop him. The stuff that I saw just disgusted me to the gut, I couldn't even believe that is my brother, a muslim and doing that kind of stuff. He is goes on msn, yahoo, and aol to chat with girls and chat rooms. My mom and dad tired to stop him, he doesn't listen. He even threaten to beat up my mom for a pack of milk. He did so many terrible things, I just can't stand him anymore. I can't stand his presences, he mocks, backstabs, swears, sweared to my mom, and is just sinner. If my parents used force, he'd use physical force and attack us (which he did to my mom and my brother me and my dad).

I wanted to ask you all what can me and my mom do to stop him. My mom even sent him to Musjied but that did not help him. He does not pray, and did not read Qu'ran since he was 6 or 7. He had sexual activity with the girls as well, he calls Islam a weird religion and said Christianity "better" he is totally isolated. I want to help, what should me or my mom do, we tired everything we still pray, but still, nothing. He goes to college but skips 10 classess and says he can do it at his computer, and keeps flirting and dirty talking to girls (mostly muslims). I need to help him, what do you all suggest?

 

[DigitalStorm82]

Asalamu Alaikum

This is a difficult situation indeed.

At this point, I don't think anything can help him except Allah. So, make duah for him and inshallah Allah will change his heart.

If he's not an adult yet... your parents can force him to attend therapy and religious classes...

Other alternatives is... show him the real world.

Take away his internet and computer... let him work for his own money and housing...

When he realizes he needs his family to survive... Maybe he'll change his ways...

Perhaps, you can find out the names of people he talks to and tell them whats going on and stop them from talking to him.

but, duah is ultimately the only solution for this situation. If he is ready to phsycially attack his own parents... and already have.. he's beyond reasoning.

May Allah guide him to the right path, Inshallah.

W'salaamz,
Hamid

 

[snakelegs]

it sounds like your mother is in physical danger. since he is college age, i would recommend to throw him out of the house. you shouldn't have to live with someone who is violent. i'm sure it will difficult to do, but your family isn't really helping him by making his life so easy. i don't think your family can help him, and sooner or later someone is likely to get badly hurt.
when he is on his own, either he will pull himself together to function in the "real" world, or he will end up in jail.
sad.

 

[searchingsoul]

We had a similar problem with my stepdaughter when she came to live with us. My husband wouldn't let me throw her out of the house but I always felt that it would have helped her more. Digitalstorm82 and Snakelegs gave some great advice. I agree with what they suggested.

I hope his behavior improves and peace is restored to your household.

 

[AHMED_GUREY]

salaam

my younger brother was exactly like your brother only he went out to steal cars and do robberies

my mom was also always complaining about him and he was going to the wrong path

i personally got tired of beating him and threatening him cause i didn't want to continue hurting him

and i know my mom deep down didn't like it

so what i did was i ignored him and told my mom to do the same

he became worse

what i noticed was because we ignored him and neglected him before in the past he went to the wrong side of the tracks and because we ignored him again he went on and did worser things

after realising this it was very easy for me to lead him back to the right tracks cause i became a good friend of him who he could talk to if he was in trouble

limitles when your brother leaves the house you don't know the things he's experiencing on school or outside

maybe he's being subconciously pushed into becoming this casanova persona cause he might be bombarded with nonsense like your not cool if you don't date

these issue's are complexed and the things your brother is going trough are complexed so you have to stay calm

and slowly find out the root of this problem and then tackle it

there must be a reason why he thinks the way he thinks

pray for him!

wa alaikum salaam

 

[lolwatever]

yeh i know ppl like that too, infact maybe a bit worse too.

you just got to make alot of dua for these guys.. coz they're just warped no offense. Try get bros his age to meet him n talk to him about general stuff and when they form a relationship with him they can start talking about Islam and things like that ver slowly..

i have friends who where heavy clubbers and just on another planet, the way they changed was mainly through friends and people getting to know them and relating to them as a friend rather than as a robot if u get wat i mean.. and mashalah now they are TOTALLY different people, on another level mashaAllah.

on the toher hand i know of some guys who are seriously wrotten to the core, i don't really know what can be done with them ones. Like the above group, they use to go clubbing and all that.. but they wheren't really animalistic and violent towards their parents n stuff. You could still identify them as humans.

dua is a good help, and to sum it up don't give up.
salamz

 

[searchingsoul]

maybe he's being subconciously pushed into becoming this casanova persona cause he might be bombarded with nonsense like your not cool if you don't date

these issue's are complexed and the things your brother is going trough are complexed so you have to stay calm

and slowly find out the root of this problem and then tackle it

there must be a reason why he thinks the way he thinks

I can relate to this. My step-daughter came to live with us from a foreign country. She wasn't used to the freedoms bestowed upon her. She also wasn't considered physically attractive so it made her rebel and become promiscuous. Just like your brother being expected to be a casanova, I think she was trying to fit in and be an attractive modern woman. We never realized the underlying issue until after she nearly ruined her life and drained her dads bank account. But you're right there must be an underlying issue. Now that we understand why she rebelled and caused such trouble for the family. It's easier to understand her and forgive her of her selfish actions from the past. Search for that underlying issue.

I'm still concerned about the physical violence. Your mother shouldn't have to endure this. Our situation was easier because we were dealing with a girl and I frequently reminded her that she was a guest in my country. But other than your dad exerting his physical strength, I don't know what else could be done. I guess he does need kicked out of the house. Just don't desert him completely. Try to become his friend and hang out with him.

 

[Dawud_uk]

assalaamu alaykum,

the issue isnt only your brother, he is acting as a fitnah on these non-practicing sisters and he needs to be stopped for their sake as well as his own.

imagine if this was a girl from your family, how would you feel then?
so dont just think of your brother but of the girls he is corrupting and attempting to corrupt as well.

take away his internet and computer and if he dares threaten your mother again you and your whole family kick his butt for daring even think of hurting his own mother.

assalaamu alaykum,
Daw'ud

 

[Abdul-Raouf]

assalaamu alaykum,

the issue isnt only your brother, he is acting as a fitnah on these non-practicing sisters and he needs to be stopped for their sake as well as his own.

imagine if this was a girl from your family, how would you feel then?
so dont just think of your brother but of the girls he is corrupting and attempting to corrupt as well.

take away his internet and computer and if he dares threaten your mother again you and your whole family kick his butt for daring even think of hurting his own mother.

assalaamu alaykum,
Daw'ud

you r right brother

 

[Kittygyal]

My brother, who is middle because there are three of us. He is now considered a sinner from my persective and my mom and other family members.

Since our old house, which is six years ago, he got addicted to internet chatting. He used to chat so much to girls and then meet and etc. My mom found out and so did my dad, they threaten and told him nicely and Islamically; however he argued that my dad abused and stuff. My mom kept telling him to stop and to forgive your father for his wrong doings, yet he contiuned. Then he used my elder brothers abuses to get out of it. Gradually, he separated himself, isolated from the family. He bought his own food, snacks, drinks and never shared with any of the family member. He ate the snacks and drinks right in front of us (the family members) and never asked to share it and never wanted to. Next, we moved into a large house and he has a separate room. He is 24/7 in that room and is on chat rooms, chatting with girls (most of them are muslims and in their teen years, my age).

I sneaked into his room (which I am not suppose to) but to see what he does and try to stop him. The stuff that I saw just disgusted me to the gut, I couldn't even believe that is my brother, a muslim and doing that kind of stuff. He is goes on msn, yahoo, and aol to chat with girls and chat rooms. My mom and dad tired to stop him, he doesn't listen. He even threaten to beat up my mom for a pack of milk. He did so many terrible things, I just can't stand him anymore. I can't stand his presences, he mocks, backstabs, swears, sweared to my mom, and is just sinner. If my parents used force, he'd use physical force and attack us (which he did to my mom and my brother me and my dad).

I wanted to ask you all what can me and my mom do to stop him. My mom even sent him to Musjied but that did not help him. He does not pray, and did not read Qu'ran since he was 6 or 7. He had sexual activity with the girls as well, he calls Islam a weird religion and said Christianity "better" he is totally isolated. I want to help, what should me or my mom do, we tired everything we still pray, but still, nothing. He goes to college but skips 10 classess and says he can do it at his computer, and keeps flirting and dirty talking to girls (mostly muslims). I need to help him, what do you all suggest?

brother i am very sad to hear this as you may know many lads nowadays do stuff like this my own brother whom is a christain does these kinda stuff so now he has moved out but therefore brother i understand what situation you in i know it's easy to say than done but then again what can we do? all we can do is pray to God that he leads him to the right path we need patience in us everything solves the problem is steps we need to embrace this situation, as your mam and dad and you should pray for him the more your going to tell him to do stuff is going to turn out dust he is going to do it more you should let him alone i know what he is doing isd not good but then again brother if a person his doing bad things and you keep telling them off they do it more so you and your mam and dad should pray for him.
May God help you and your family and give you all patience and lead your brother to the right path (amin)
take care

*you can tell your parents to take the NET off (just a request)*

 

[bint_muhammed]

My brother, who is middle because there are three of us. He is now considered a sinner from my persective and my mom and other family members.

Since our old house, which is six years ago, he got addicted to internet chatting. He used to chat so much to girls and then meet and etc. My mom found out and so did my dad, they threaten and told him nicely and Islamically; however he argued that my dad abused and stuff. My mom kept telling him to stop and to forgive your father for his wrong doings, yet he contiuned. Then he used my elder brothers abuses to get out of it. Gradually, he separated himself, isolated from the family. He bought his own food, snacks, drinks and never shared with any of the family member. He ate the snacks and drinks right in front of us (the family members) and never asked to share it and never wanted to. Next, we moved into a large house and he has a separate room. He is 24/7 in that room and is on chat rooms, chatting with girls (most of them are muslims and in their teen years, my age).

I sneaked into his room (which I am not suppose to) but to see what he does and try to stop him. The stuff that I saw just disgusted me to the gut, I couldn't even believe that is my brother, a muslim and doing that kind of stuff. He is goes on msn, yahoo, and aol to chat with girls and chat rooms. My mom and dad tired to stop him, he doesn't listen. He even threaten to beat up my mom for a pack of milk. He did so many terrible things, I just can't stand him anymore. I can't stand his presences, he mocks, backstabs, swears, sweared to my mom, and is just sinner. If my parents used force, he'd use physical force and attack us (which he did to my mom and my brother me and my dad).

I wanted to ask you all what can me and my mom do to stop him. My mom even sent him to Musjied but that did not help him. He does not pray, and did not read Qu'ran since he was 6 or 7. He had sexual activity with the girls as well, he calls Islam a weird religion and said Christianity "better" he is totally isolated. I want to help, what should me or my mom do, we tired everything we still pray, but still, nothing. He goes to college but skips 10 classess and says he can do it at his computer, and keeps flirting and dirty talking to girls (mostly muslims). I need to help him, what do you all suggest?

this quite complicated situation, but i would advice first is threaten him, you and your father that if he is staying under your roof to not use violence and limit his computer addiction (is it an addiction?). secondly i advice not to keep nagging at him as that can push a person further away but to becme a friend and see what other problems he may be experiencing. from what you've wrote above i think he is actually quite an unhappy person and there must be something bothering him! isolating himself may be something he does to protect himself from hurt but the problems get bigger so it may be difficult, but dont isolate yourself from him! as a family you should work at it together! i aint fantastic at giving advice but inshallah Allah swt will put things right! good luck!

 

[Snowflake]

^True. Isolating him could make him worse. He will probably end up doing worse things to get his own back. If he is totally alone he will be easy prey for the shaitaan and Allah forbid become ten times worse.

I would suggest denying him access to the computer. But I was wondering if some of the brothers here can invite him to LI first and see what happens?

I remember a brother saying how much he changed after joining LI. Bless!

However your parents should also stop giving him money. They should tell him that from now he will get food to eat from the house. If he wants his own income he can get a job. That will give him some responsibility and cut down on his time on the internet.

And the next time he uses violence. Report him to the police. A night in the cells should bring him back to his senses. Remember you have to be cruel to be kind.

wa'salam

 

[Muezzin]

However your parents should also stop giving him money. They should tell him that from now he will get food to eat from the house. If he wants his own income he can get a job. That will give him some responsibility and cut down on his time on the internet.

Ding ding ding!

And the next time he uses violence. Report him to the police. A night in the cells should bring him back to his senses. Remember you have to be cruel to be kind.

Yep. And you also have to let people know that the law doesn't give a crap if you're related - if you commit a crime, you do the time.

On the other hand, don't isolate him as that will just make the problem worse, and it'll become a passive-aggressive nightmare. Try and make friends with him, treat him kindly. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

 

[DaNgErOuS MiNdS]

I think all the advice given is good but I dont think it will help if you try to use violence or constant nagging. I think as he has two brothers you should talk to each other more not about how bad or how much he is sinning but just general stuff and be more involved in his life. If you can get involved in activities that involves team work like football, martial arts things that you both can talk about also going out together maybe shopping or whatever.

You should try to become freinds and then along the way you can offer Islamic advice, listen to Islamic lectures together, talk about the purpose of life and how lucky you are to be on the positions in life you are at and garteful to Allah swt you should be for it.

 

[M H Kahn]

The boy cannot be rectified unless he himself wishes to be. Let his parents be praying to Allah for his return to deen. The prophet(pbuh) said: "Three types of du'a are undoubtedly granted: a parent's du'a for his children, du'a of a fasting person, and du'a of the traveller." [Abu Dawud]
But Allah knows what is the best for a caller who calls him.

 

[limitless]

^True. Isolating him could make him worse. He will probably end up doing worse things to get his own back. If he is totally alone he will be easy prey for the shaitaan and Allah forbid become ten times worse.

I would suggest denying him access to the computer. But I was wondering if some of the brothers here can invite him to LI first and see what happens?

I remember a brother saying how much he changed after joining LI. Bless!

However your parents should also stop giving him money. They should tell him that from now he will get food to eat from the house. If he wants his own income he can get a job. That will give him some responsibility and cut down on his time on the internet.

And the next time he uses violence. Report him to the police. A night in the cells should bring him back to his senses. Remember you have to be cruel to be kind.

wa'salam

First of all, thank you for all your great advise. But I am afraid to inform you that he has already been to jail and spend a night in there at age of 14 for a crime that I do not wish to unveil, it is quiet embrassing.

For the friend part, we all tired, he said that his problem is us treating him badly. We tell him turth about Islam (mostly me and my brother and mom) he does not listen and takes it as a insult. He has no problem outside as in being cool and you know.

Money part. My parents stopped paying him at age of 18, so he bought and do this stuff on his own. We can't take his computer, he literally will kill anyone even my mom without any hesitation. It is his computer he bought it it is his, that is his ideology.

All these problems relate to my elder brother, who is also considered a sinner.
My middle brother went to him for help and such, like you guys said, friend. He even worsened him. My elder brother told me that my middle brother asked him adise on "getting the girl" and he did, instead of stopping him. He literally told him and they used to hang out and go drink alcohol, clubs (which they still do, strip clubs), and all sort of sins. Gambling as welll. They were currpeted by muslim brothers (generally pakistanis, indians). They are so bad, it is just hard to imagine they are even my brothers in the first place. So the friend part will not work at all, he hates me and literally makes fun of me everytime, both of them do. And the way they treated my mom, you would be shocked, and surprised, they literally made her feel trash just complete garabage. So my mom is hurt so much she just prays and that is all she does now, and I as well, they will never listen, no matter what. Especially my middle brother. He intends on leaving the house.

Thank you again for all your advises, they all were really great and I appericate your effort and time for sharing it.

I have to agree with Islamgyal, it is best to leave him, and that is what we are doing now. And again, Thank you Islamgyal for this advise as well.

Inshallah he will come to the righteous path, Allah's light will soon (inshallah) shin upon him.

Thank you once again.

 

[bint_muhammed]

yeah sorry for not being much help but can i put in look after your mother well, this will make her feel as if she does have once decent son! hopefully inshallah they will come round just keep praying!

 

[Kittygyal]

First of all, thank you for all your great advise. But I am afraid to inform you that he has already been to jail and spend a night in there at age of 14 for a crime that I do not wish to unveil, it is quiet embrassing.

For the friend part, we all tired, he said that his problem is us treating him badly. We tell him turth about Islam (mostly me and my brother and mom) he does not listen and takes it as a insult. He has no problem outside as in being cool and you know.

Money part. My parents stopped paying him at age of 18, so he bought and do this stuff on his own. We can't take his computer, he literally will kill anyone even my mom without any hesitation. It is his computer he bought it it is his, that is his ideology.

All these problems relate to my elder brother, who is also considered a sinner.
My middle brother went to him for help and such, like you guys said, friend. He even worsened him. My elder brother told me that my middle brother asked him adise on "getting the girl" and he did, instead of stopping him. He literally told him and they used to hang out and go drink alcohol, clubs (which they still do, strip clubs), and all sort of sins. Gambling as welll. They were currpeted by muslim brothers (generally pakistanis, indians). They are so bad, it is just hard to imagine they are even my brothers in the first place. So the friend part will not work at all, he hates me and literally makes fun of me everytime, both of them do. And the way they treated my mom, you would be shocked, and surprised, they literally made her feel trash just complete garabage. So my mom is hurt so much she just prays and that is all she does now, and I as well, they will never listen, no matter what. Especially my middle brother. He intends on leaving the house.

Thank you again for all your advises, they all were really great and I appericate your effort and time for sharing it.

I have to agree with Islamgyal, it is best to leave him, and that is what we are doing now. And again, Thank you Islamgyal for this advise as well.

Inshallah he will come to the righteous path, Allah's light will soon (inshallah) shin upon him.

Thank you once again.

oh bro tahts true just leave him and hopefully God will lead him to the right path (amin)
take care and take it easy

 

[limitless]

I think I know a solution. If I can find out where my brother's current girlfriend lives in my city and go up to her parents or herself and tell her about Islam and religion values and how brother is then she might leave him or her parents. And this might help? No/yes?

Also, I just recently found out that he has been going to these kafar Islamic sites and asftaguallah. It was saying how muslims hate kafars and how Islam is wrong and so many horrrible things. I can't believe he reads that! My brother did find out about this site when I showing my mom some article, but he did or not go on. He is becoming an evil man! He reads false stuff about islam! One line said "Where in Qu'ran says that non-muslims will burn in Hell of fire! and suffer!" thats just one of them there was too much and I stopped reading. I felt anger urging inside me.

 

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

I dont think I can help much, but I do think one thing. Your brother's problem isnt his chatting, drinking, or any of that. His problem is the lack of Iman. Thats where you have to focus. Dont shun him, being his brother. Talk to him, hang out with him, and try to work on his Iman while you are at it. If Allah wills, his Iman will rise, and he himself will leave what he is doing. Dont get angry at him, even if his doings anger you. Be patient with him. Dont do direct confrontation. Take it slowly.

Take him outside, show him the country side, some scenic views. Go into the car, put on some Quran. And just talk about this life and Allah's creation. You know better than me what you can do to make his Iman rise. Make him reflect, on himself and everything else.

Some people feel that they are too sinful to repent and give up of Allah's Mercy. Remind him that Allah is All-Merciful. Quote him some verses.

Lack of Iman is the core of the problem, not chatting etc. If you can, Inshallah, get his Iman up, you will notice a complete change in him by the permission of Allah.



Ps- Makes lots of Dua for him.