What should I do about a rape in past?

[snakelegs]

unless you can put the past behind you and the two of you concentrate on building your future lives together, i recommend that you do not marry.
it seems to me that you are ambivalent about her and need to do some real deep thinking about yourself.
are you able to acknowledge that she made the wrong choices without blaming her or holding it against her?
how much of your outrage is for yourself because you have been deprived (cheated out) of a virgin?
i think taking revenge is out of the question. you have no guarantee that just because he gets a good beating, that he will never do it to someone else at the first opportunity, if he sees nothing wrong in it. also, you are likely to land yourself in prison, instead of at a wedding.
both you and the girl could probably use some counseling to be able to get over this and move on and focus on your relationship, which will, hopefully be a lifetime contract. you need to help her build her self-esteem, and you certainly will not be able to, if you hold this against her on any level.
and as you mentioned, you also have the option of walking away and this might be the best for both of you.

 

[genki]

Actually brother YusufNoor

She has repeatedly stated she wants to get back at him. She wants him hurt and humiliated like she was. Her following choices were due mainly to what she went through because of him.

She would love to hire somebody to do it.

I see her breakapart because of what this sick .... did to her and her choices following it.


Is it not normal to feel anger towards someone who has hurt someone you care about? And especially in that way? What if it happened to your wife whilst you were married what would you do ? What if it had happened to your wife in her past and you knew everything about the person you still wouldnt do anything?

Ofcourse it never happened to me but I cant help being compassionate. I cant help putting myself in her shoes and feeling her pain, hurt and humiliation etc. And I KNOW it was rape.

 

[FBI]

Yusuf no need for that tone bro. Also to the OP not trying to sound harsh or anything but how do you know the guys actually guilty all you have is the sisters word, do you have proof, such accusations can ruin a persons life, make sure you know for certain before you proceed and may allah make it easier on both u.

 

[genki]

Snakelegs:

I have though hard about it. Its got nothing in the least to do with me being depraved of her virginity. But had she not been raped she would most likely have waited. Were it consenual act and she didnt it willingly ok thats who she was. But she didnt and she was raped.

There are plenty of virgins around and I could just walk away.

BUT I also know had she valued things just a little more, had a little more self esteem and confidence and had a little more backbone she would have NEVER been in that situation to start with.

 

[genki]

FBI:

There is no proof and especially not 3yrs later. Everything I know of the guy and everything I have seen of him and everything I have read of him and everything she told me, tells me its true, without a doubt. And he is not a decent guy but someone whose very aggressive and thinks highly of himself and is cocky.

She did have choices and she made the wrong ones but I firmly believe no matter what nobody has the right to rape somebody else. This guy is like one of those guys who one day will join the army and go rape and kill poor people in Iraq just because he can.

 

[snakelegs]

you are right, but are you sure that you do not hold in against her? this is something to really seriously think about.
another thing to consider: since this was done to her against her will, she may not be a virgin any more physically, but in a way, she is because she never consented to do this - as you say, she would have waited.
again, can the 2 of you move on and build a life together, or will your relationship be anchored in her past? it has happened and cannot be undone. beating him up is not going to undo it or accomplish anything except maybe some brief satisfaction of vengeance, which you can then ponder in prison.
many rape victims really need counselling in order to heal from the nightmare experience, and it might be good for both of you.

 

[genki]

you are right, but are you sure that you do not hold in against her? this is something to really seriously think about.
another thing to consider: since this was done to her against her will, she may not be a virgin any more physically, but in a way, she is because she never consented to do this - as you say, she would have waited.
again, can the 2 of you move on and build a life together, or will your relationship be anchored in her past? it has happened and cannot be undone. beating him up is not going to undo it or accomplish anything except maybe some brief satisfaction of vengeance, which you can then ponder in prison.
many rape victims really need counselling in order to heal from the nightmare experience, and it might be good for both of you.

If I look deep within myself I know 1 thing for a fact:
Any decent person with some self esteem and backbone and confidence in themselves would never have gone out with a guy like him! There were warning signals and alarm bells all around but she was also naive thinking she could protect herself and stop a muscular guy like him.

Do I hold it against her that she was raped? NO!

But I question how stupid and meaningless her actions and behaviours were and the choices she made. Why for the love of god she chose the choices she made I cant fanthom. He did rape her yes but she got involved with another guy willingly after him and moved in with him too etc (something I firmly believe she would not have had she not been raped). So if it comes to virginity either way physically or emotionally she is not a virgin.

I didnt just say beating him up would suffice. Beating him would teach him nothing. Permanently altering him would remind him daily of what he had done and maybe the life he had lived.

At times she herself wants me to get him or better hire somebody(which I have no idea how to even go about). At times she doesnt because shes so worried about me and doesnt want me in jail. Sometimes I feel that worse case scenario I get caught (unlikely) ill go to jail but atleast Ill have the satisfaction of knowing that he got what was coming to him.

I have suggested she get counselling but she doesnt want to reveal it to others.


She has a sordid past. I know it. The easiest thing to do would be walk away from her. Her parents dont like me, her past was sordid(every detail of which I know) though alhamullilah shes a muslim now, she has a lot of baggage and emotions and insecurities, she isnt exactly wife material etc any normal guy would have walked away. But beyond anything I know she sincerely loves me.

Though it hurts her and she cries over it she tells me I should leave her because I always lived my life with meaning and I had always looked for qualities in a wife including virginity and meaning in that when you say "I love you" it has only been said to you not to 3-4guys before you and that her body was sacred and kept just for you not experienced carnal pleasures with others and me having to deal with it nor the lies. She tells me I shouldnt compromise for her just like I never have and since its been a wish at my core to find someone who waited like me I should leave her.

I tried to do istikarah a couple of times I got nothing. Once without estikarah and after not having seen her for a long time I saw her in my dreams and saw us married living happily together with kids and both happy and I woke up missing her.


Ultimately I know if the guy was gotten back at it would give her comfort and ease her pain. We would love to hire somebody or if somebody could help but seems unlikely since neither of us have connections. She sometimes wants me to do it but mostly is worried about me and doesnt want it at my own risk. At times I think her choices, her past and the consequences of her choices. But when I put myself in her shoes every fiber wants to hunt the guy down. Sometimes I think even if its at my expense its worth it.

 

[SisterInsomniac]

Asalaamu Alaykum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh Brother,

If there is no proof anymore and you are unable to go to the police then you should leave it at that. It is a very unfotunate incident and my heart goes out to this sister for what has happened and what she is going through. I totally understand that she wants him to be punished and humilated. But as people on this thread have already pointed out that what greater punishment is there then the punishment of hell/fire. Let Allah (swt) judge him for his actions and punish him. Let the sister take tranquillity that Allah (swt) will give her justice in the hereafter.
If you on a personal level feel that you are unable to live with what has happened to her then you should let her know. I understand that maybe 'hunting down or hiring someone' may be the answer for the present time. But what about in a few years... how can you be or sure that this wont still be affecting her or you?
Do dhikar, pray, read the Quran when you or her are feeling angry and let Allah (swt) deal with those who are evil. (Please don't think Im saying you don't do the above things, it's just as a reminder)

InshaAllah you and the sisters are in my dua.

 

[YusufNoor]

Actually brother YusufNoor

She has repeatedly stated she wants to get back at him. She wants him hurt and humiliated like she was. Her following choices were due mainly to what she went through because of him.

She would love to hire somebody to do it.

I see her breakapart because of what this sick .... did to her and her choices following it.

Is it not normal to feel anger towards someone who has hurt someone you care about? And especially in that way? What if it happened to your wife whilst you were married what would you do ? What if it had happened to your wife in her past and you knew everything about the person you still wouldnt do anything?

Ofcourse it never happened to me but I cant help being compassionate. I cant help putting myself in her shoes and feeling her pain, hurt and humiliation etc. And I KNOW it was rape.

Sorry to sound harsh Akhi, i was going by what you wrote.

i KNOW women that were raped, but they needed help. my marrying them wouldn't have helped!

Is it not normal to feel anger towards someone who has hurt someone you care about?

yes, but you DIDN'T know her when this stuff happened...

What if it happened to your wife whilst you were married what would you do ?

THAT is a different scenario, if someone rapes your fiance it's different.

What if it had happened to your wife in her past and you knew everything about the person you still wouldnt do anything?

the past ESPECIALLY pre-Islamic past is WAAAY different. as a Muslim you choose to live by the laws of your country. if she doesn't want to press charges or sue, nothing you can do. [nor did it happen to my wife, so we can't compare. on the other hand, her ex was a jerk but if he wasn't she wouldn't be my wife now! would she?]

you can still be compassionate, but now it sounds like she NEEDS counseling. you CAN'T undo it NOR can you give her ALL of the help that she needs. this MAY be too complicated for you. you might be in over your head. you need to decide if you can handle it or not.

think about YOUR future! [then try to get her some help]

originally posted by FBI
Yusuf no need for that tone bro.

he came online and asked for advice. i used a decided lack of tone and went by what he wrote.

 

[snakelegs]

If I look deep within myself I know 1 thing for a fact:
Any decent person with some self esteem and backbone and confidence in themselves would never have gone out with a guy like him! There were warning signals and alarm bells all around but she was also naive thinking she could protect herself and stop a muscular guy like him.

Do I hold it against her that she was raped? NO!

But I question how stupid and meaningless her actions and behaviours were and the choices she made. Why for the love of god she chose the choices she made I cant fanthom. He did rape her yes but she got involved with another guy willingly after him and moved in with him too etc (something I firmly believe she would not have had she not been raped). So if it comes to virginity either way physically or emotionally she is not a virgin.

I didnt just say beating him up would suffice. Beating him would teach him nothing. Permanently altering him would remind him daily of what he had done and maybe the life he had lived.

At times she herself wants me to get him or better hire somebody(which I have no idea how to even go about). At times she doesnt because shes so worried about me and doesnt want me in jail. Sometimes I feel that worse case scenario I get caught (unlikely) ill go to jail but atleast Ill have the satisfaction of knowing that he got what was coming to him.

I have suggested she get counselling but she doesnt want to reveal it to others.


She has a sordid past. I know it. The easiest thing to do would be walk away from her. Her parents dont like me, her past was sordid(every detail of which I know) though alhamullilah shes a muslim now, she has a lot of baggage and emotions and insecurities, she isnt exactly wife material etc any normal guy would have walked away. But beyond anything I know she sincerely loves me.

Though it hurts her and she cries over it she tells me I should leave her because I always lived my life with meaning and I had always looked for qualities in a wife including virginity and meaning in that when you say "I love you" it has only been said to you not to 3-4guys before you and that her body was sacred and kept just for you not experienced carnal pleasures with others and me having to deal with it nor the lies. She tells me I shouldnt compromise for her just like I never have and since its been a wish at my core to find someone who waited like me I should leave her.

I tried to do istikarah a couple of times I got nothing. Once without estikarah and after not having seen her for a long time I saw her in my dreams and saw us married living happily together with kids and both happy and I woke up missing her.


Ultimately I know if the guy was gotten back at it would give her comfort and ease her pain. We would love to hire somebody or if somebody could help but seems unlikely since neither of us have connections. She sometimes wants me to do it but mostly is worried about me and doesnt want it at my own risk. At times I think her choices, her past and the consequences of her choices. But when I put myself in her shoes every fiber wants to hunt the guy down. Sometimes I think even if its at my expense its worth it.

islamically, there is nothing you can do to this guy as you are required to obey the laws of the land.
from what you write, my feeling is that she shouldn't be marrying anybody yet as she is not able to move on. i think she needs help to heal. it is not an easy thing to recover from. if she is not willing to seek counselling, there is really little you can do for her.
if you both really love each other, you can wait.
and i do think that the fact she is not a virgin does bother you and is likely to be an issue in the future, as well as now.

 

[Woodrow]

One thing you need to look at is this all happened 3 years ago, before she had reverted. She was not the same woman she is today. When she reverted she became a new person a new baby, free from the past a virgin, newly born into Islam.

Three years ago she was living a life that would be unacceptable for a Muslim. She was not who she is today. Think in terms of who she was at that time think of her as a person you would have not known very well. That is the person you are seeking to avenge. Think of this in term of her then what actions would you take against a man who raped a non-Muslim girl living that life style. Your actions need to as your actions would be towards a man who raped a non-Muslim woman who you did not love. You love the girl of today not the girl who was raped. The man does deserve to be punished but how much punishment and what type is warranted. How much responsibility do you really have to be the punisher? What responsibility would you feel if you had not fallen in love with her? The responsibility you have is same responsibility you hold for avenging the rape of all non-Muslim women who were raped 3 years ago. The girl who was raped was not the same girl you fell in love with.

 

[genki]

Brother yusufnoor.

I understand your sentiments. But we both know no court of law anywhere would convict the guy. Why? even in an aggravated of the street snatch and rape case thered be no evidence left behind 3years later. And his lawyers as is typical would bring all her past actions to light and paint her as a party animal, leading his client on, agreed to go to his place, initiated the acts and when it was over simply left and guy drove her back after which tried many times to get in touch with her had brief terse online chats and saw each other briefly oncampus and even went to his party(since her friends forced her and she left) yet no is claiming it was rape!

And because she was so scared for her life she didnt struggle and fight like it was life or death(in which case maybe the guy might have even backed off) leaving behind all kinds of marks and bruises both on her and him and all signs of rape, so that she could report it and prosecute him with some chance of winning. But given the situation even had she reported it straight afterwards all it would have proven is she lost her virginity but nothing aggravated or signs of physical abuse such as slaps, punches, kicks, bruises etc. She was scared and panicked and tried her best as she knew how in that situation till she got cornered and realised it was hopeless and he was getting angry and she just gave up. But not only did he rape her he sodomised the poor girl too. She lost whatever selfworth she had after that. The one thing she had waited for and valued somewhat was her virginity.



I know I know brother. Youll say you werent there. You werent involved. And it was in her jahiliyah time. But surely you can put yourself in someone elses shoe and feel their pain too? If your wife told you that such and such a guy raped her in the past even though you werent in it nor involved would you not feel sad? depressed? feel her desperation and the hopelessness she would have felt? feel her pain simply because you care and love her that much? would your instinct not be to retaliate and find the guy? We as muslims are always taught to feel for others.
Could you then seriously disengage yourself and say its all in her past knowing this guy has gotten away clean with it?

 

[genki]

One thing you need to look at is this all happened 3 years ago, before she had reverted. She was not the same woman she is today. When she reverted she became a new person a new baby, free from the past a virgin, newly born into Islam.

Three years ago she was living a life that would be unacceptable for a Muslim. She was not who she is today. Think in terms of who she was at that time think of her as a person you would have not known very well. That is the person you are seeking to avenge. Think of this in term of her then what actions would you take against a man who raped a non-Muslim girl living that life style. Your actions need to as your actions would be towards a man who raped a non-Muslim woman who you did not love. You love the girl of today not the girl who was raped. The man does deserve to be punished but how much punishment and what type is warranted. How much responsibility do you really have to be the punisher? What responsibility would you feel if you had not fallen in love with her? The responsibility you have is same responsibility you hold for avenging the rape of all non-Muslim women who were raped 3 years ago. The girl who was raped was not the same girl you fell in love with.

Wow brother. You asked some really good questions. I never thought of it like that. But heres what I will tell you knowing myself and how I lived my life.

1. She is definately not the same woman of 3years ago. She isnt even the same woman of a few months ago. She has learnt, she has regretted, she understands how wrong her past was and how she was responsible for her actions and its consequences.

2. I have made it clear to her many times that all her sins once she reverted were forgiven and she was born a new. However what she has done still haunts her because she knows what she has done. She cant get away from that.

3. Had I met her 3 years ago I would have been 1 of those people she would have considered un-fun and I would definately not have wanted anything to do with her. However if she had been a friend I would have constantly advised her and I would have tried and shield her as I have with others.

4. Had I known her even as a friend I would have beaten the .... out of that ...... But If I did not know her at all and just heard it 3rd party then I guess I would have felt sorry but that would be it.

5. If she confessed to me and I was not emotionally involved with her or thinking of marriage? hmmm I would have felt really sorry. And tried to help her or suggest counselling but probably not have gone and chased the guy down but if she was a friend then I may have.

6. Im sure she more than me has the right to be the punisher but no court of law would convict him and she could never physically do anything to him.

7. Then again if she was a muslim it wouldnt have EVER happened to her and she wouldnt have had regrets like she does now. She knows her choices and her lifestyle resulted in what happened to her.


Apart from the issue theres the other issues i pointed out. How do I deal with it? Did my dream mean anything or was it just that A DREAM ?
Akhi how do I deal with her past specifically all the sordid bits? How can I feel special knowing she has nothing to offer me she hasnt already offered others?
Should I give up my hopes and dreams to have had a pure innocent virgin wife with no carnal experiences who waited like I did?

 

[Woodrow]

Apart from the issue theres the other issues i pointed out. How do I deal with it? Did my dream mean anything or was it just that A DREAM ?
Akhi how do I deal with her past specifically all the sordid bits? How can I feel special knowing she has nothing to offer me she hasnt already offered others?
Should I give up my hopes and dreams to have had a pure innocent virgin wife with no carnal experiences who waited like I did?

As far as dreams I definetly am the wrong person to ask about dream interpretation. Much of my working career was jn the field of physiological psychology so my answers about dreams is in the manner they are physically produced by the consolidation of new information, during our state of REM sleep.I believe some dreams are genuine messages. But, I have no ability to interpret them. I believe the dreamer is the best person to interpret them but they need to rely more on feeling of the dream and not look for any universal meaning of specific images.

To deal with her past has to be you fully accepting as a pure person and no longer carrying any of her past. For her to accept her past she needs to be reassured that you truly accept her as afresh pure creation, with no connection with the past you need to demonstrate to her that the rape is of no importance any more as it happened to who she was not who she is. The girl who she now is was never raped. Do not make any issue about let her know that the girl who was raped no longer exists. If she has difficulty in separating her past offer to help her get professional spiritual and emotional help, but to help understand that the past is no importance limit the conversations about it and tell her that you know she is no longer the girl who was raped and she can set her self free from all pain and guilt that affected some girl in the past

Do not dwell on this as a constant topic of discussion with her

 

[genki]

Ok brother woodrow. thank you


But the knowledge and carnal experiences she had would never disappear right? How should I deal with that? What happens if she compares me to them? Wouldnt she have expectations performance wise too?
What happens when she expertly handles me when it comes to private matters and i am reminded of her experience and shes used to it and that even my thing is nothing new to her?

Also she wants her photos back from her the last guy (guy she was with after rape) because they are indecent and she feels ashamed by them etc. Does she have a right to this? And the guy is a type that you could never trust what should one do? Should I just tell her forget it?

 

[snakelegs]

Apart from the issue theres the other issues i pointed out. How do I deal with it? Did my dream mean anything or was it just that A DREAM ?
Akhi how do I deal with her past specifically all the sordid bits? How can I feel special knowing she has nothing to offer me she hasnt already offered others?
Should I give up my hopes and dreams to have had a pure innocent virgin wife with no carnal experiences who waited like I did?

again, i must repeat the question i asked you before. this is not for you to answer here and now, but for you to really reflect on and do some soul searching. how much of your outrage is at him and how much is at the fact that you are going to be deprived of a virgin?
i can't help but feel that you think she is unworthy of you.
i don't think you are willing to let go of her "sordid past". if you can't feel special knowing that she has been "had" by other men, i strongly urge you to forget this girl and find a virgin. you said that there are plenty of virgins around - my advice is to find one.

 

[Dawud_uk]

“The recompense of those who wage war against Allaah and His Messenger and do mischief in the land is only that they shall be killed or crucified or their hands and their feet be cut off from opposite sides, or be exiled from the land. That is their disgrace in this world, and a great torment is theirs in the Hereafter”

[al-Maaidah 5:33]

Taken from Ruling on the crime of rape from IslamQA

Remember that Allah swt will punish the criminal in the herafter,

that is my understanding as well, that the rapest is killed, or one of these other punishment applied... let the one handed, one footed freak do anything after that!

although it is better to forgive, still doesnt mean the sister has to if she doesnt want to and she can seek to have the miscreat punished if she wishes.

edit: before the mods jump on me from a great hight... i am talking generally about rapists, each case is individual and we also have standards of evidence in shariah also etc relating to the trustworthiness of the victim i understand or if not they need the four witnesses etc.

assalaamu alaykum,
Abu Abdullah

 

[snakelegs]

that is my understanding as well, that the rapest is killed, or one of these other punishment applied... let the one handed, one footed freak do anything after that!

although it is better to forgive, still doesnt mean the sister has to if she doesnt want to and she can seek to have the miscreat punished if she wishes.

edit: before the mods jump on me from a great hight... i am talking generally about rapists, each case is individual and we also have standards of evidence in shariah also etc relating to the trustworthiness of the victim i understand or if not they need the four witnesses etc.

assalaamu alaykum,
Abu Abdullah

the above is the shariah and would apply in a shariah state, if there was one. but since he is not living in a shariah state, he must obey the laws of the land. (as long as they don't require him to do anything forbidden in islam).
so isn't what you wrote above irrelevant?
it's a good way to land him in prison, though.

 

[tigersabre]

Ok brother woodrow. thank you


But the knowledge and carnal experiences she had would never disappear right? How should I deal with that? What happens if she compares me to them? Wouldnt she have expectations performance wise too?
What happens when she expertly handles me when it comes to private matters and i am reminded of her experience and shes used to it and that even my thing is nothing new to her?

Also she wants her photos back from her the last guy (guy she was with after rape) because they are indecent and she feels ashamed by them etc. Does she have a right to this? And the guy is a type that you could never trust what should one do? Should I just tell her forget it?

Genki, having read your thread, while your fiancee has been through a difficult patch in her life (to put it mildly), it appears that you are taking it personally and you seem pretty insecure about her past experiences, whether voluntary or forced. If we were to remove the rape from this discussion, my guess is that you would still feel lingering doubts about the rest of her lifestyle.

Myself, I couldn't care less whether a person has more or less skill in bed, or whether I'm going to be compared to others. What matters is that I'm the one in the with her, and no one else is. I think because you're sexually inexperienced, this matters to you. Believe me, as someone who waited and then married, looking back on it now, it's not that big a deal. It's simply been overhyped and over-romanticized.

If you want to help your fiancee overcome this, then the best that you can do for her is be patient with her difficulties, and lend her emotional support, and help her grow as an individual. Rather than focusing on what has happened, you'll want to focus her on the bright future the both of you have together.

And as for what you should do this guy - nothing. He didn't do anything to you. And, I think you've noted that your fiancee placed herself in a dangerous situation, and she paid a price for it. I'm not saying it's her fault 100% or that this guy is not a jerk (he is, and he is responsible), but it's a life lesson for her, and it's not for you to be the one to pay the guy back.

Now yes, if he tries to mess with her now, you can kick his teeth in, and get the law involved. But as was mentioned before, she's Muslim now, her sins are washed clean as though she's a newborn child, her good deeds are converted into bad ones, and you - you have an awesome role in supporting this new, sinless Muslim.

Some food for thought - virtually everyone during the time of Muhammad sallallaahu alayhi wa sallim was a convert. Many of the women were not virgins when they converted, but they were the best of women later.

 

[genki]

Genki, having read your thread, while your fiancee has been through a difficult patch in her life (to put it mildly), it appears that you are taking it personally and you seem pretty insecure about her past experiences, whether voluntary or forced. If we were to remove the rape from this discussion, my guess is that you would still feel lingering doubts about the rest of her lifestyle.

Myself, I couldn't care less whether a person has more or less skill in bed, or whether I'm going to be compared to others. What matters is that I'm the one in the with her, and no one else is. I think because you're sexually inexperienced, this matters to you. Believe me, as someone who waited and then married, looking back on it now, it's not that big a deal. It's simply been overhyped and over-romanticized.

If you want to help your fiancee overcome this, then the best that you can do for her is be patient with her difficulties, and lend her emotional support, and help her grow as an individual. Rather than focusing on what has happened, you'll want to focus her on the bright future the both of you have together.

And as for what you should do this guy - nothing. He didn't do anything to you. And, I think you've noted that your fiancee placed herself in a dangerous situation, and she paid a price for it. I'm not saying it's her fault 100% or that this guy is not a jerk (he is, and he is responsible), but it's a life lesson for her, and it's not for you to be the one to pay the guy back.

Now yes, if he tries to mess with her now, you can kick his teeth in, and get the law involved. But as was mentioned before, she's Muslim now, her sins are washed clean as though she's a newborn child, her good deeds are converted into bad ones, and you - you have an awesome role in supporting this new, sinless Muslim.

Some food for thought - virtually everyone during the time of Muhammad sallallaahu alayhi wa sallim was a convert. Many of the women were not virgins when they converted, but they were the best of women later.

And your wife had obviously waited for you too right? How would you have felt if she hadnt waited?

See thing is if the rape hadnt occured then the next guy might never have been there but her lifestyle was definately not right.

A dealbreaker for me has always been that I marry a virgin girl. I can look over drinking, partying, kisses etc but not being a virgin has always been a deal breaker. I have walked away from many.

Even in the other thread in the GENERAL section no body has responded which leads me to believe there are almost no virgin men who have or would marry a non-virgin girl. Sure maybe you were a virgin and your wife was a virgin and NOW you think its not a big deal but back then wasnt it a deal for you? Every man even the players I have met all admit that at their core they would much rather have a virgin as a wife.

Now I am faced with a situation from which I normally would have just walked away but now ....... I could walk away and easily marry a physically virgin girl
with no prior experience very quickly but...... . If I stay arent I compromising on a wish and dream I had all along? Arent I giving up on the prize or goal I sought?
How do you think YOU would have felt if when you had waited and was a virgin till marriage and your wife wasnt and had her fun. Then the most special things you held to your heart your virginity, chastity, naked body and your manhood unit was masterfully handled with no hesitation or anything and clearly with lots of skill? Now imagine you know EVERYTHING.

And if your saying its not a big deal then why did I wait? If its meaningless and not of importance and implies no special meaning to the person taking it. Why is it that even she tells me its important to her and gives her meaning?
Why is it that all muslim virgin men marry virgin brides? Very few accept non-virgin brides and especially not if she was a muslimah in the past too.

And yes because I CHOSE to be sexually inexperienced and rejected a ton of women and chose to keep to myself, I had meaning. I had always waited for a wife like me who also waited. Someone with whom I could join as 1 in both spirit and body for the very first time. Someone I could experience carnal pleasures with together for the first time and learn more and more with. Not somebody who has gone off practised around etc.

1 thing I wont do is drag her down. But I also fear If i were to leave it would cause her a lot of doubts eg Even after all the changes the most decent guy who had stood by me and taught me and loved me left me because I wasnt a virgin. My past will never go away so why fight it. Why change especially since its so hard. Might as well go back to who I used to be since maybe thats what I deserve etc etc etc