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Share your Lame Jokes!!

  1. #1
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    Talking Share your Lame Jokes!! (OP)


    What do you call a cheap circumcision?

    A rip off
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    Re: Share your Lame Jokes!!

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    A group of Turkish people are granted whatever they want by Allah.
    The Armenian says "I want the Turks to recognize the Armenian genocide" and it was willed
    The Gulenist says "I want universal human rights"
    The Kurd says "I want my own people"
    The Kemalist thinks for a moment and says, "I want a gang of nine men, 9 toy BB guns, a rope, and 3 helipcopters. The Gulenist says "why do you want that?"
    The Kemalist says "I am Alparslan Turkes's long lost grandson. I want to launch a coup, now shut up or ill tell them you use Bylock"
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    Re: Share your Lame Jokes!!

    ATTENTION: A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 FA Cup Final, both box seats. He paid £2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...
    ...it's at St Paul's Church, Peterborough at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too.....She'll be the one in the white dress.
    Share your Lame Jokes!!

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    Re: Share your Lame Jokes!!

    A good one
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  6. #24
    Cptn._.Mario's Avatar Full Member
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    Re: Share your Lame Jokes!!

    A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "
    Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies,
    and so on."

    The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question
    and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."


    The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied,
    "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family
    | Likes sister herb, RisingLight, lif, Grandad, Tuba13, Flawed liked this post
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    Re: Share your Lame Jokes!!

    format_quote Originally Posted by rozyred View Post
    How does a Muslim close the door? Islams it.
    Hahahahah
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  9. #26
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    Re: Share your Lame Jokes!!

    Good jokes yall
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    Re: Share your Lame Jokes!!

    A TOUCHING STORY...

    a little girl was walking home from school. On her way she saw a dead cat beside the road.

    The girl was curious anyway, and she decided to poke the cat with a stick to see if the cat would respond.

    Seeing no response after poking, she now touched the cut with her hand.

    The cat didn't respond, she touched it again, again and again.

    As I said earlier, it's a touching story
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  11. #28
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    Re: Share your Lame Jokes!!

    An art dealer walks into Dai’s antique shop in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch.

    On looking around he spots a human skull on one of the shelves.

    ‘Who’s that?’, he asks.

    ‘That’, says Dai, proudly. ‘That is the skull of Owain Glyndŵr, the last – true – Prince of Wales.’

    ‘I’ll take it!’, says the dealer. And off he goes.

    A year later, he’s back; and there, on that very same shelf is another – smaller – human skull.

    ‘And who’s that?’, he asks.

    ‘That’, says Dai, proudly. ‘That is the skull of Owain Glyndŵr, the last – true – Prince of Wales.’

    ‘But I bought his skull last year!’ protests the dealer.

    ‘Indeed you did’, says Dai. ‘But this is Owain when he was a boy.’
    Share your Lame Jokes!!

    'Sometimes, silence is the best answer for a fool.' (Alī ibn Abī Tālib‎)
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  12. #29
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    Re: Share your Lame Jokes!!

    A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" – the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" – says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says: - "I am a Saudi !" The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.

    Found at
    http://www.islamcan.com/islamic-jokes.shtml

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    Re: Share your Lame Jokes!!

    Lost Cat
    ________


    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

    As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

    The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

    Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

    He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

    Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

    "Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

    Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that cat on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
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    Re: Share your Lame Jokes!!

    An old woman came to the Prophet (sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam) and said: "O Messenger of Allah, pray to Allah (subhanahu wa ta`ala) that I will enter Paradise." He said jokingly, "O Mother of So-and-so, no old women will enter Paradise." The old woman went away crying, so the Prophet (sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam) said, "Tell her that she will not enter Paradise as an old woman, for Allah (subhanahu wa ta`ala) says: (We have created [their Companions] of special creation, and made them virgin-pure [and undefiled]) (Qur'an 56:35-36)." Reported by al-Tirmidhi, it is hasan because of the existence of corroborating reports.
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    Re: Share your Lame Jokes!!

    There was an unsuitable joke here
    Last edited by RisingLight; 11-05-2017 at 11:46 AM.
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  17. #33
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    Re: Share your Lame Jokes!!

    -------- edited ---------
    Last edited by sister herb; 11-05-2017 at 11:52 AM.
    Share your Lame Jokes!!

    From Occupied Palestine:

    We have suffered too much for too long. We will not accept apartheid masked as peace. We will settle for no less than our freedom.



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  18. #34
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    Re: Share your Lame Jokes!!

    format_quote Originally Posted by sister herb View Post
    That kind of (farting etc.) jokes may not be suitable to this forum...


    Removed it .....
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    Re: Share your Lame Jokes!!

    After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
    conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
    the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
    the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
    what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
    before the next flight.
    Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
    humor!
    Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
    submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
    engineers.
    (P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
    (S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what they're there for.

    P: IFF inoperative.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.

    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
    on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midget.
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  21. #36
    Tayiba's Avatar Full Member
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    Re: Share your Lame Jokes!!

    A few child-friendly, funny jokes:

    Can February march? No but april may

    What do you call a bear with no ears? B.

    Why are hairdressers never late for work? Because they know all the shortcuts

    Why did the maths book look so sad? It was full of unsolved problems

    why was the computer sneezing? It had a virus

    what do you call an ant that wont go away? Permanant

    Lol !
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  22. #37
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    Re: Share your Lame Jokes!!

    format_quote Originally Posted by Tayiba View Post
    A few child-friendly, funny jokes:

    Can February march? No but april may

    What do you call a bear with no ears? B.

    Why are hairdressers never late for work? Because they know all the shortcuts

    Why did the maths book look so sad? It was full of unsolved problems

    why was the computer sneezing? It had a virus

    what do you call an ant that wont go away? Permanant

    Lol !
    Ahahahaha, these were really funny sister
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  23. #38
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    Re: Share your Lame Jokes!!

    Q: What is your date of birth?
    A: July fifteenth.
    Q: What year?
    A: Every year.

    Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    A: I forget.
    Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

    Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
    A: Oral.

    Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
    A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    Q: How long has he lived with you?
    A: Forty-five years.

    Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
    A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    Q: And why did that upset you?
    A: My name is Susan.

    Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
    A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

    Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
    A: We both do.
    Q: Voodoo?
    A: We do.
    Q: You do?
    A: Yes, voodoo.

    Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

    Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

    Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

    Q: Did he kill you?

    Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

    Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

    Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

    Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And what were you doing at that time?

    Q: She had three children, right?
    A: Yes.
    Q: How many were boys?
    A: None.
    Q: Were there any girls?

    Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

    Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
    A: I went to Europe, sir.
    Q: And you took your new wife?
    Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

    Q: Can you describe the individual?
    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    Q: Was this a male, or a female?

    Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

    Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

    - - - Updated - - -

    People Really Said These Things In Court
    http://jokes.cc.com/funny-lawyer/cgp...hings-in-court
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    Cptn._.Mario's Avatar Full Member
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    Re: Share your Lame Jokes!!

    Guess who I saw today?























    Everyone I looked at.






    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor?




























































    Where's my tractor?

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    What did the chicken say when it couldn't find it's egg?



















































































    Chickens can't speak english, so "bok bok bok"
    | Likes eesa the kiwi, *charisma* liked this post
    Share your Lame Jokes!!

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    Re: Share your Lame Jokes!!

    "My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too!"
    ~ Rodney Dangerfield
    Share your Lame Jokes!!

    "When a person sees the road as too long, he weakens in his walk." - Ibn Qayyim al-Jawziyyah
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