What to do if your friend gets 'heart-broken'?

Mashallah, May Allah Reward You with good in this life and the Hereafter, inshallah!!!

This is such a great story .. subhanallah ... i recognized parts of my life in here ..
and everything seems so clear now .. alhamdullilahi rabil ala'miin!!

May Allah Make it easy for all those Who are strugling in this way!!

"Ya muqallib al Quloob, thabbit qalbee alaa deenik"

O turner of the hearts, establish my heart upon your deen [way of life.]

subhanallah that is such an amazing dua !!!!

I think i made a mistake in that translation, deen really means 'way of life' - but i think religion would be more accurate in that sentence. I.e. 'establish my heart upon your religion'


Ameen to your dua', and may Allaah grant you and us all forgiveness and reward in this life and the next, ameen.

Marriage, to who?

On the Authority of Abu Huraira (may Allaah be pleased with him) -

The Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, said: “A woman may be married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her commitment to religion. Choose the one who is religious, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper)!”

[Sahih Al Bukhari Volume 7, Book 62, Number 27:]

This hadith can be referred to males aswell as females.




But it's true though init? A person usually gets married to someone either because of their:

1) Wealth - who doesn't want to start off marriage without some money? You gota buy each other presents right? erm.. you also gota look after each other (and maybe some babies?) for the rest of your life.


2) Lineage - this one isn't too common in the west today, but back home its still quite important. They want you to get married to a respectful or 'high class' family so you have protection and respect.

That way people don't start a fight with your family for no reason - otherwise the police will get involved (since your inlaws have contact with the government.) Trust me, i'm not making this up.


3) Beauty - Everyones beautiful in their own way, you might not think someones good looking, but someone else will love that exact same thing you might not find beautiful. Everyone has their own favourite flavour.


4) Religion - This is the key to - Success -

Wealth

How much times has someone been married to another because of their wealth only? Have you ever seen people do this? On the news just a few weeks back, there was a model who got married to a really old, but rich man. She probably thought she could keep his wealth after he died, but subhaan Allaah it's so shocking because she was probably only in her late 20's, but she actually died before she even spent that money.

Could she really imagine that could happen? She probably thought she had her whole life infront of her, waiting for the man to die.. yet she fell unconscious, and she never woke up after that day again. Until the Day of Ressurection, obviously. We seek refuge in Allaah from the trials and tribulations of that day.



Lineage

People in the past did it quite alot, especially because they never had any guidance or love/fear/hope of Allaah. So some would take advantage of others, especially the weak and poor.

One of the best forms of protection was to get married into another tribe or family which would have strength, power and nobility. Obviously they would probably only accept you if you were of benefit to them aswell, so the high class would marry in the high class, and the low with the low.


When Allaah's Messengers' came, people married each other for piety and character since they knew that this leads to success. Those were the good times, but guess what? We live at a time when people want to follow the ways of the people of old again.



Beauty


Nah, i won't talk about this one.. or maybe i should?

There's not much to say really, well.. people do say that looks fade out as time passes by, but you still want someone beautiful right? Someone that makes you feel all hyper inside, and then you can hug them tight and say "you're all mine!" then you can laugh.. and praise Allaah.


Some people take looks too seriosly and might get mesmorized by someones looks to the extent where they think they've fallen in love with them, just by staring at them.. think of it this way, have you ever seen some food which looked soo kool that you wanted to buy it, but when you ate it - it wasn't as tasty as you expected it? You quickly got over it right, and preferred something else?

So looks by itself shouldn't really be something which you only concern yourself with, since beauty doesn't settle in the heart, its the good that comes with it that really sinks in. The good looking food with good taste is what you're after.



Religion


Obviously religion is a big issue, especially when it comes to; lifestyle, having children - how they're brought up etc. What is good/bad. If the person is aware that Allaah is watching their every single action etc.

So in reality - religion is really important. Obviously it's extremely good if a muslim marries a muslim, since it helps the children have a good upbringing without seeing major differences in their parents beliefs.


Also, know that a muslim man can get married to a Muslim woman, Christian woman, or Jewish woman. It's preferred to get married to a Muslim woman though.

However a muslim woman can only get married to a muslim man. There is no other choice for her. Maybe this can be explained some other time, Allaah knows best. But after reading this, i wonder why you wouldn't want to get married to a practising muslim brother?




---------------------------------------------------

How is the Religious spouse a key to - Success? -


When you get married to someone who's practising Islaam properly, then you'll see that it is one of the greatest blessings you can have.

Think about it, what other culture or religion orders the man to be good to his wife? Seriosly, think about it. If a guy acts kind to his wife - his friends think he's being too 'soft' - so what does the guy do? He acts abit harsh in order to please his friends, but guess what happens? He displeases his wife in return.


What did Allaah say?

Live with them on a footing of kindness and equity, If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good.(Qur'an 4:19)



The Messenger of Allaah (peace be upon him) said?

"The best among you is the one who is best to his wife" (Related by Ibn Hibban) in another version it is the one who is most kind to his wife.


This was at a time when guys took their wives as toys, kind of like nowadays right? Where a guy can 'drop' his girl whenever he wants, and take her back whenever he has the desire for her again. What can the girl do when she's going through such an emotional time, especially when her family might not even accept her again?


All these acts are things which Islaam called against, yet us people who call ourselves muslims are following the exact footsteps of those who disbelieved before us. And due to that - we're going against what the Messenger of Allaah called us to. Why? Because we don't even know our own religion, yet we call ourselves muslims?



Mercy..

Islaam is a mercy for mankind, it isn't to make life any harder. Maybe to make life harder for those who like to do evil, but Islaam has rules so we follow them - why? So people don't oppress each other. And to make life easier for those who might feel weak and helpless.


The one who has fear of Allaah - fears to harm others, yet they have love for Allaah so they are too shy to harm His creation, and they hope for reward from Allaah for their patience when they may become angry.


The Prophet (peace also said: "If any man shows patience with his wife's bad temper, Allah will give him a reward similar to the reward of Ayyub (Job) for his patience, and if any woman shows patience with her husband's bad temper, Allah will give her a reward similar to the reward of Asiyah daughter of Muzahim, the wife of Pharoah (Cf. Qur'an 66:11)."


Is there any culture in the world, or even any religion which has such concepts today? You're either rewarded for your patience, or you live a happy life - in this one and the next. Isn't that what everyone wants in a marriage?




------------------------------------------------------
So who should i be looking for ?


Alot of people by looking at the saying of the Prophet (peace be upon him) think that you can only get married to a religious person. Even if their wealth, lineage, and beauty isn't according to what you require.


Whenever you're looking for that special person, you have to keep their Islaam as your main principle. Is the person a good Muslim? Have they got a good character? Yes?


Okay - next, have they got enough wealth to support me and a future family? If the guy is poor and the wife is from a rich family - she might get impatient with him. So sometimes social status is important to take into consideration. They don't have to be a billionaire, but they might need to live upto your normal standards. Otherwise you might become impatient.



Some people think that knowing the lineage is part of the times of ignorance, and you shouldn't care about their lineage. But that isn't true - For example there might be a woman who is from a family of scholars, and her husband may be a guy who isn't really that knowledgable - even though he may be pious. Now obviously there's nothing wrong with them getting married, but it's important to know that this can be a disadvantage to the guy since he will face alot of pressure from the scholarly family.

So sometimes lineage can be important too, but its better to get married to a family who has a lineage of good history. If they don't have a good history and they're known for their strength/power to abuse others - then its better to stay away, since you can get dragged into it all.



Is he/she good looking? Incase of marriage, looking at ones potential spouse is allowed. Would you be happy to see this persons face everyday when you wake up?


I read a true story of a brother who got married to a really pious Muslimah, he said that they had a really simple wedding and he was really pleased. However, he said that she wasn't really beautiful. May Allaah bless them in this life and the next, but when i read that i thought to myself - how would the wife feel if she heard her husband say that?

I also thought to myself, what if there was a day when there emaan (faith) became weak, and they became abit impatient with each other? Would the brother think twice before divorcing her? You see that if you find something beautiful, you don't want to give it up since you find it precious, and you don't want no-one else to have it. So find someone who you will be pleased with, otherwise you might regret it later on.



Conclusion:


Do you see how everything fits in? Their Islaam comes first which moulds their personality for the best, and then along with that you should see things according to your social situation.

That way, even if you ever slip and become weak in emaan (faith) - you'll still have a spouse who you love, who can help you back on your feet again, while you stare at their beautiful face, knowing that they're your close friend.. then you can hug them tight and say "you're all mine!" then you can laugh.. and praise Allaah for all the good He's given you in this life, and inshaa Allaah (God willing)... something even better in the the one to come! Ameen.

format_quote Originally Posted by Fi_Sabilillah

That way, even if you ever slip and become weak in emaan (faith) - you'll still have a spouse who you love, who can help you back on your feet again, while you stare at their beautiful face, knowing that they're your close friend.. then you can hug them tight and say "you're all mine!" then you can laugh.. and praise Allaah for all the good He's given you in this life, and inshaa Allaah (God willing)... something even better in the the one to come! Ameen.

The whole article is real and the ending conclude so well exactly which is the purpose of marriage. What to do with his money if he keep to treat you from up, like a person what he bought. What to do with his beauty if he always will think you are too ugly for him? Or you will be related with a family which will never give consideration to your own family. Ideal should be both to be from the same level of what you wrote - equal.

format_quote Originally Posted by Fi_Sabilillah

Guys' usually find looks really important, whereas females put personality higher in the list - especially when it comes to a relationship which you're commited to. Again, i might be wrong because everyone differs.

Men go for the look and women after the talk. Thats so true.
But can we really change or just our efforts are on short terms

Obstacles


There's many obstacles people face when wanting to get married, or even once you're married. Let's discuss some inshaa Allaah:


Age

Does a person's age matter? It depends on you, but in reality it doesn't really. If you prefer someone around your age, then that's fair enough. But even if it's someone who's older or younger, so long as you're both prepared to be commited and make some changes in life - then there's nothing wrong with that either.


Some people think that you can only have fun while you're young, but that isn't totally true.
Maybe your hormones are at a really high level then, but that can be an advantage & a
disadvantage; if you do something fun - they might be extremely hyper, but making them sad has an equally opposite effect.

That's why some people fall in love when they're older, they've calmed down abit now and they can use their experience to know that they shouldn't fall into similar mistakes. But some people actually are commited from a young age and the trials they face in life actually help them become stronger together. Again, it depends on what you're comfortable with.




Similarities & Differences


I like the color blue.

What one?

Baby blue.

Wow! me too!


If you have similarities, you can agree on something together. If you have differences, you should still agree. But sometimes it can get abit too repetitive;


I like food.

Me too!


You just want to show that you truelly love them, so you love what they love. But the reality is that, well.. it gets quite boring after abit.

So what you have to do is show your true self; bricks can't do nothing if they sit together - they'll just fall after a slight push. If you use the bricks and support them with cement, they'll become firm together. At the beginning they might seem abit uneasy, but this strengthens the wall to the extent that even if a strong wind comes to try to separate them - they'll still be united.


Your lover will love you for who you are, not what you're trying to be. So be yourself, so long as this doesn't lead to things which go past the boundaries set by Allaah and His Messenger (peace be upon him.) Since our bodies hate sin anyway, its harmful for us - in this life and the next.




Habits?


Sometimes a person wants to get attention off their partner, maybe because they feel down, or maybe because they just miss the old times. So guess what they do? They become sad and moody.


Asalaamu 'alykum, i'm back home.


*silence*


erm.. is everything okay?

...


They actually think they've done something wrong, and might feel guilty. So what do they try to do?


What's wrong dear?


...... *silence* ..........


Now depending on what kind of relationship you have, the outcome will be different. Either they will try their best to get your attention so you become pleased with them again (even though they don't know why?) Or they'll simply ignore it and wait till you get over it.


So what's the best thing to really do in this kind of situation?

Answer: It's to tell them how you really feel, and how you want things to be. If you close the door to communication - then that's just going to make things worse, and it might even cause impatience & unneccessary guilt and suspicion among each other.



Sin

Yep, sins break up a marriage apart quite alot. There have been many situations where a husband and wife got married the true Islamic way, they had a blessed marriage.

But one day a couple started to buy shares, it gradually lead to them paying interest/usury, they became depressed and had to give their property away gradually because they never had enough money. They ended up divorcing in the end.


The earlier scholars even stated when they did sins, there riding animals became rebellious against them. It's quite common, once you start going against the commandments of the Creator, the creation goes against you also. But if you draw yourself closer to the Creator, then the creation loves you more out of His Mercy. So avoid sins, and inshaa Allaah you're relationship will become more secure inshaa Allaah.


There was a situation of a man who once went to the market, and he saw a woman there. He went towards her and touched her with his hands. When he went back home his wife told him that there was a man who had also touched her that same day. He said subhaan Allaah, i'm so glad that i never did anything more to that woman - otherwise that man would have done more to my wife.





Where did the Money Go?

This one's specifically for the brothers. When you get married, get a job so you can support your wifey. And once you get the money - use it wisely. Some people might be too extravagant, while others might not spend enough to support the house. You need to hit the middle.

Sometimes the woman wants to spend some money, but she feels guilty to get it from the husband. Try making life easier for her - give her some spending money. It's much more better for her to spend her own money instead of always feeling guilty for getting yours.





Holding onto.. nothing now.

When two people fall in love, they can't get enough of each other. They just want to continue talking to the other, staring at each other, they want to be in each others presence, always.


Some lose each other, while some actually get to remain with their partner and be together. They can stare at each other as much as possible now, they can do whatever Allaah has permitted for them. But as time passes by.. you get used to it.

What they were wishing for so long ago gradually dies out. When they used to dress up for each other, the conversations they had.. it's become a common routine. So wearing unclean clothes doesn't make you feel uncomfortable, whereas at the beginning of the marriage you were well embarrassed if that happened.


People take marriage for granted, they become so used to their spouse that they actually don't show their love. But if this person was to go away for a few days, they would miss them. So how can you get that spark again, that you once used to have?

1) Communication: Tell each other how you feel, talk things over and support each other through the good and the bad.

2) Do new activities: Go different places together, so long as its not anywhere which is forbidden by Allaah or His Messenger. This way you both have something new to discuss and think about instead of just thinking about the common lifestyle at home.

3) Separate yourselves for a little while: Sometimes people need space, so maybe you could do Islamic activities with your friends. And so could your spouse. At the end of the day you could come back home and discuss what you did. That little time of absence makes you pleased with meeting them once again.

We know that the Messenger of Allaah (peace be upon him) went through alot in his life, so many good and hard times yet he remained patient. He never took it out on his wife like some people might do. Infact he would listen to the stories his wife, Aa'isha (may Allaah be pleased with her) used to narrate to him. And he was the Messenger of Allaah - the one who came for all of mankind, so why shouldn't we spend enough time with our families?



Time

Time is something which alot of people are in need of, some spend too much of it at work. Others spend it too much with their friends. But theres the other extreme where someone has too much time, and they just waste it.

But one needs to give some to their spouse. They might work all day, come home late, and their wife is already a sleep and so are the children. Now why does a person work? To support their family right? You should work to live, not live to work. So you need to give time to family, otherwise the children won't even accept you and they'll take someone else as a role model. Just for beneficial purposes; this usually starts when the child is 4 and older. And Allaah knows best. So bring them up Islamically, if you don't - who will? The TV?



Be prepared to change yourself..for the better.

These are only some of the obstacles that come in some peoples lives when they get married. Just remember that you have to be prepared to mould yourself in a way to fit in with your spouse, and so does your spouse. If no-one sacrifices, then are they truely willing to commit themselves to this relationship? If the answer is yes - then sacrifice shows & proves ones commitment, and when someone is commited for the intention to please Allaah, He will not let their patience & reward go to waste. Rather, He will bring through it a great deal of good.

Remember that success only comes from Allaah - so ask Him for it. The best example is Allaah's Messenger, Muhammad (peace be upon him), and his honorable family (may Allaah be pleased with them.) So read his lifestory, since he was a shepherd, businessman, commander, teacher, leader, husband, father, imaam and much much more. His wives were great woman, and an example for our sisters. May Allaah grant us good in this life, the next, and May He save us from the punishment of the fire. Ameen.

Very good points and i didn't know the similiarities are boring . I always thought the similarities are the key to reach the harmony in family

They're not always boring, you need similarities aswell as differences. If you simply agree on everything all the time - then it gets boring, and if you differ all the time - then you have nothing to agree & stick onto together, so you need a mixture of both to keep the relationship alive.

That's what i think, and Allaah knows best.. remember i can be wrong in alot of stuff i say - so no-one needs to believe in it if they don't agree.

No you have right. The marriage in which one turn in the other echo is boring. The mixture is better because there is the basis to agree in the end with him.

This guy is such a romantic

format_quote Originally Posted by noodles

This guy is such a romantic

I liked each tip and all are very realistic. Like we can read above the women needs so little to be happy. I have no idea why the men can't follow this teachings.

Some tips for Females.


Heres some tips for females in a relationship:




Beautify yourself for your husband:

This is the same advice given to the brothers. Everyone wants to have a person they can look at without feeling regret on the decision that they made. And if you want your guy to like you, you have to attract his attention.

Remember that this shouldn't just be kept up at the beginning of the marriage, but it should be kept constant throughout it.

Ask him what he likes, tell him what you like - if you take into consideration the other persons tastes, it will make them happy since they will feel appreciated and accepted.



There's a type of beauty which alot of people don't recognise; yeah - there is the makeup and all that, but theres one which we don't usually remember.

It's reported authentically from Bukhari & Muslim - On the authority of Abdullah Ibn `Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said:

"Verily, some eloquence (can be so beautiful); it constitutes sorcery.

There's some eloquence in talking which is soo beautiful that it has a similar effect to magic on people. Remember that you can talk to your spouse in a way which will attract them, but just don't do it in public because you might get unwanted attention.

You could call them by a personal nickname you choose for them, we know that the God's Messenger would call his wife Aa'isha by the nickname 'Aa'ish' just to joke with her. Don't call them something they dislike though, because that will just make the relationship go bad.


Maybe you could bewitch your spouse now eh? (not in the forbidden (literal) way obviously.)




Show Trust: Imagine your husbands been working on fixing the kitchen sink all day - he's nearly fixed it! When suddenly you walk upto him and say: "Maybe you should call a plumber..?"

You might have good intentions, but this will make him feel devastated, as if you don't trust him enough. He's been working hard all day, and in his eyes - it seems as if he's not trusted to do what's best for the family. As if he's weak and you feel that someone else should do his job for you.

Just trust him enough and if he really wants to call the plumber, then he'll probably do that himself.



Appreciation: Using the example given before, imagine the husbands been working all day to fix the sink. You've encouraged him since he's helping out in the household, and the praise is for Allaah - he fixes it!

Now you should show him your appreciation, don't say something like 'my grandma can do better than that' - but be happy so he can be happy with you. Appreciate him and he will appreciate you. If you don't appreciate your spouse - then they won't be bothered to help out next time.




Acceptance: You should accept your spouse, even though there might be certain things which you might not totally like. It may be that Allaah's placed in it a lot of good, but you don't know of it yet?

If you don't like a thing, you should show your spouse that you're willing to change certain things about yourself, and that if you do, then your spouse should also. That makes it fair.

Don't nag your spouse about their bad habits or try to control their behavior by sharing upset or negative feelings. Sharing feelings is ok, but not when used to punish or manipulate.

Aa'isha (may Allah be pleased with her) narrates in Sahih Al Bukhari V2/B 15/no.70]:

It was the day of 'Id, and the Black people were playing with shields and spears; so either I requested the Prophet (peace be upon him) or he asked me whether I would like to see the display. I replied in the affirmative. Then the Prophet (peace be upon him) made me stand behind him and my cheek was touching his cheek and he was saying, "Carry on! O Bani Arfida," till I got tired.

The Prophet (peace be upon him) asked me, "Are you satisfied (Is that sufficient for you)?" I replied in the affirmative and he told me to leave.

That's cute; they showed each other that they weren't embarrassed to be in love with each other.. it shows your acceptance towards each other too.

There are many other narrations which state that Allaah's Messenger (peace be upon him) would eat with his wives, both would eat from the same and drink from the same glass etc. That's how it should be - it unites you together physically, aswell as the hearts.



Encouragement: Your husband might have experienced something, he feels he needs support. So he turns to his wife; the best thing she can do is encourage him and make him feel that she is on his side and supporting him (so long as he isn't doing something forbidden.) Look at the example of the wife of Allaah's Messenger; Khadija:

When the Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) received the first revelation from Allah, he was terrified and sought comfort with his wife Khadija. He said, "I fear that something may happen to me."

Khadija replied, "Never! But have the glad tidings, for by Allah, Allah will never disgrace you as you keep good relations with your kith and kin [family], speak the truth, help the poor and the destitute, serve your guest generously and assist the deserving, calamity-afflicted ones."

[Authentically recorded in Sahih Al-Bukhari]

This assured the Messenger of Allaah, and this is what every guy wants. Behind every great guy is a good woman.



Admiration - When the wife views the husband with wonder, delight, and pleased approval, the husband feels *admired*. Telling him what to do as if he were a child does not make him feel admired. Admiration is when the wife is happily amazed by his unique characteristics or
talents like humor, strength, persistence, integrity, honesty, romance, kindness, love, understanding, etc.


Here's a good example:

Once the prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) was sitting in a room with Aisha and fixing his shoes. It was very warm, and Aisha looked to his blessed forehead and noticed that there were beads of sweat on it. She became overwhelmed by the majesty of that sight was staring at him long enough for him to notice.

He said, "What's the matter?" She replied, "If Abu Bukair Al-Huthali, the poet, saw you, he would know that his poem was written for you."

The Prophet (sallaAllahu 'alaihi wa sallam) asked, "What did he say?" She replied, "Abu Bukair said that if you looked to the majesty of the moon, it twinkles and lights up the world for everybody to see."

So the Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) got up, walked to Aisha, kissed her between the eyes, and said, "Wallahi ya Aisha, you are like that to me and more."

[This was narrated in Dala'el Al-Nubuwa for Imam Abu Nu'aim with isnad including Imam Bukhari and Imam Ibn Khuzaina.]




Grow up together..

Remember that you're both still young inside, no matter how old you get. What really matters is that you grow up together, because with age comes experience. Every moment of your life is a step closer to your return to your Creator, and you're best friend on that day will be your good character with others.


...Abu Darda' reported that the Prophet of Allah, upon him be peace, said, "Nothing is weightier on the Scale of Deeds than one's good manners." [Sahih Al Bukhari - Book of Manners #271]


Strive towards Paradise hand in hand, because one of the greatest blessings Allaah has given us is love, and to gain alot of good - you need to make alot of sacrifices, and it is worth it in the end.

Remember to ask Allaah for that good, since He is the turner of hearts, He is the All Rich, and He has Power over all things.