I have recently become engaged to a man from back home (Kosovo) who comes from a good family and i met him and his family before the engagement. I decided it was a good choice for me and i said yes. We will be having an engagement ceremony in December.
My issue is, im scared! Im terrified i wont be a good wife, or we will have some bad issues etc. I dont know him VERY well, but know his cousin and she has told me what he is like and that he is very patient and kind. Im happy about that.
People have also been meddlesome and said that he only wants me for my papers, but i dont believe that is the case.
Im just looking for some advice on how to handle situations that often arise when someone enters into an arranged marriage with someone from overseas.
I was born and raised in America, but follow many of the old traditions and am a practicing muslim.
Please help me ....my nerves are burnt from thinking about this....im so stressed.
Ask him why did he choose to marry with you I understood before the wedding arise this feelings of insecurity. But before december, you should know exactly why are you marrying with him. The reason must be clear.
yep i agree to that one. just ask him or get someone to ask him for u. If he wants to marry you for who u are he'll tell u without getting offended.
wasslam n everything will be fine insha'Allah
Oh Mankind! What keeps you from your Lord most Generous?
There is no Hand but the Hand of Allah is over it, and
There is no Opressor but he is tried with a Greater Opression.
Dont ask him why he married you, dont do it the better question or discussion rather would be for you to tell him your plans and what you hope for and ask him in return and see what are his plans for now and in the future. You will instantly know from his answer plz sister take this approach dont take the bold and interrogational approach
if like this situation...if married,if he is ok with then just go on....if not divorce and find another one... who suit you...! pray to Allah, help you to choose..make istikhara prayer!...
Jalla Allahu Fi 'oulah, Ma lana rabbun siwah.
laa ilaha illa Allah
excuse me, but i think you should all RE READ what i wrote and then you will see that what you said is NOT what i was asking for.
I know why he is marrying me, and i him. The issue is HOW do i handle when other people try to accuse us of marrying eachother for papers or for this or for that. I was asking for advice on how to handle these situations as they arise so that my marriage is less stressful.
you'll be fine.... just make plenty of du'a that Allah makes blesses your marriage and blesses you with offspring which will be the collness of your eyes.
AMEEN
i'm afraid im not married niether am i a sister.... so i don't really know what your going through.
oki yea theres my two pence.
Member of - LI's MTL™crew (Marriage thread lovers)-
his immediate family has been amazing so far, he as well.
but its OTHER people who have been driving me nuts, so ive been trying to figure out a way to stay on good terms with them (they are his extended family, as well as mine) and still be able to do what i and my fiance would like to do.
heres an ex.
His aunt who lives here in the U.S. keeps trying to make me wear revealing clothes and dresses, and i keep explaining to her in the nicest way possible that i can still look like a newly wed bride and stay covered appropriately...i guess she just doesnt understand my level of commitment to Islam.
i dont want to cause a rift or anger with anyone in his family, esp not this early. but i also refuse to go against the teachings of islam for anyone.
I had an similiar situation with an young Muslim man from Kosovo, but I said no (for other reasons). Nonetheless did I aswell, not even engaged, have to go through your situation, of other people coming and saying bad things about the proposal, like "he wants only the papers" etc.
I had to go through this not only once, but a few times with other proposals. And heck, I was only a very short time in Kosovo during that time. Too many relatives are bad for you. They said we're thinking for your best but.. In the end I was so confused and said "I swear if you continue like this, I won't marry until I'm way over 30!" That shocked the most to silence.
Look, trust me. Most strongly listen to those closest to you who are friends and trusted ones and those who have met him aswell and can make an fair judgment, not some aunt somewhere or some far away cousin, for example. It's between you and him, and both of your parents... Aunts and uncles and cousins can sometimes... Not help that much.
Definitely do not let yourself get pushed. Don't let them make you do anything against the Islamic teachings. My own old grandmother said to me "Oh zemer, ani ani maje shamin atje te shpia, ama kur vjen ne Kosov, mos e maj se.. Nuk mahet ktu, zemra jeme, je shume e bukur edhe e rre!". And I just bursted out laughing. kay:
Many cannot understand the commitment the practicing Muslims have towards Islam. And it's no use to try to explain, it won't go through their thick heads most of the time. You simply must try to be as polite as possible and shortly say No, no, no. Starting rambling every hadith or Quranic ayat won't help, I wish it would help, but for me it didn't and the best that helped was to shut my ears and just turn to Allah and to those who know me well, for advice. The rest of the time I smiled nicely but a firm 'No' came out of my lips.
Yet at the same time, I do warn you, I bet many have already. There have been lots of cases, were the men only married women for the papers for example, or other reasons. Make sure he is an practicing Muslim and can relate to your strong commitment towards Islam. At the same time, it would help a lot if your relatives knew him. At least your parents. They can make an better judgment if they know him and his family well. That's how doubts are erased. And also, have you prayed the prayer Istikharah? It has helped me in the past, elhamdulillah, maybe you should give it a try. =) Make a lot of dua and put your trust in Allah, inshaAllah things will turn out to be good for you.
Selam aleykum and take care!
“If only I had checked myself”
—
Guy who wrecked himself
True leaders don't create followers...
.... They create new leaders.
Its horrible to be used for papers or diplomas On the other hand he has lot of gut to leave his country and move to a foreign country where he will begin from 0 - with job, friends and so on. And where you are scaned from the airport-only this thought would put me far away.
Could you translate what said your gradma - please
It was an example to the sister not to get pushed when it comes to following Islamic teachings. Even those very close to you sometimes give weird comments about you praying or wearing the hijab or not going to mixed parties.
I laughed at what my grandmother said, 'cause I found it to be so sad she'd think like that. lol
"Oh sweetheart, ok ok, wear the hijab (scarf) at home (finland) but when you return to Kosvo (for vacation), don't wear it... It's not worn here, my darling, you're very beautiful and young!"
Because a girl has to show how pretty she is and make her grandma happy and make her friends jealous that she's got a pretty granddaughter. kay:
Bless her old heart, she was really sad, I don't hold any grudges or anything, she's not the first to have said it to me. Elhamdulillah after a while, she did kinda understand my reasons.
I think.
Last edited by Al-Zaara; 07-20-2008 at 11:25 AM.
“If only I had checked myself”
—
Guy who wrecked himself
True leaders don't create followers...
.... They create new leaders.
Thank you for your advice, i appreciate it.
But he does not want me for my papers, and im sorry to say i am getting a little frustrated that people in this thread keep talking about me being careful of that. I am not a silly little girl who knows nothing, i know what i am doing. This individual has already been to the U.S. on a student visa. He is well educated and has a decent living in Kosova with his family. He doesnt need to come here, if he did, he could have easily years ago and stayed...but he doesnt want to.
So please, just give me advice on how to handle meddlesome relatives and friends thank you.
inshaAllah everything will go well for you, and remember you cant please everyone. Do what you believe is right, as you said in the nicest way possible. If you wear the clothes this aunt wants you to, therell be someone else in the family calling you immodest because you dress in such and such a way. Dont give up your beliefs for others, theres too many people to please. So long as you and ur immediate family and your fiance and his family are happy thats enough..
Thank you for your advice, i appreciate it.
But he does not want me for my papers, and im sorry to say i am getting a little frustrated that people in this thread keep talking about me being careful of that. I am not a silly little girl who knows nothing, i know what i am doing. This individual has already been to the U.S. on a student visa. He is well educated and has a decent living in Kosova with his family. He doesnt need to come here, if he did, he could have easily years ago and stayed...but he doesnt want to.
So please, just give me advice on how to handle meddlesome relatives and friends thank you.
I really did not want to offend you, and I don't think you're an silly little girl. You didn't state so much about the man in question, so I thought maybe I should add an little warning, but no way do I think you wouldn't know that already. InshaAllah, I didn't upset you, if so please forgive me!
About the man in question, he seems very decent mashaAllah! Education, has been to the U.S. and an decent living.. I really see no need for you to get frustrated over what people say. You know the truth, ignore the rest. There might be even a bit of jealousy going on, who knows. Oh they will talk and talk. Just turn an deaf ear. As sister amani said, you can't please everybody.
Make dua, that always helps, elhamdulillah.
InshaAllah, they'll stop talking. Don't worry about being a bad wife or you two having trouble... That's in the future, Allah only knows. What's important is that you are committed and try your best. You'll get to know each other better in time and the best advice is to have patience and always turn to Allah during difficult times.
“If only I had checked myself”
—
Guy who wrecked himself
True leaders don't create followers...
.... They create new leaders.
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I understood before the wedding arise this feelings of insecurity. But before december, you should know exactly why are you marrying with him. The reason must be clear.
Jalla Allahu Fi 'oulah, Ma lana rabbun siwah.
I never bother my head with what are other saying, so really i can't say anything to you.
They said we're thinking for your best but.. In the end I was so confused and said "I swear if you continue like this, I won't marry until I'm way over 30!" That shocked the most to silence.
kay:
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