format_quote Originally Posted by
DyingLight
Salam alaikum
I will write this fast as i have no motivation to even write anymore.
I became a "muslim" 7 years ago and,if you can see my threads,especially the threads i made in another islamic forum,youd see i have always been in a bad condition that made my mental and religious capacity Idiotic (i was and am an idiot).But it can be justified to an extent because i live only inside 4 walls.Since i became a "muslim" my family was against it and because i live in a poor country (may Allah wipe it out of existance) i couldnt leave home so i had to fake that i left islam.That means praying in secret,fasting in secret,having no muslim friends,not going to the masjid etc.I have made duaa to Allah almost everyday to get me out of here.What i want most in my life is to get out of here and live alone again so i can be a practising muslim.Yet my condition never changed.I dont have a life outside,everything i know is online.I dont work because i am extremely depressed,and thus i dont have money and no power to do anything at all,and even if i work this country is very poor as i said and i cant live alone,im stuck to live with my family.If the pressure of doing everything in secret isnt enough,my family is also very toxic and mentaly abusive,.My dignity as a man is dead because i havent accomplished anything and i am so inferior to everyone,i stay inside 4 walls smelling like goat because am too depressed to even go for a walk or take a shower.And to put up with all this,i do a lot of haram online,which makes me hate myself even more because this is not me this is what hopelessness and depression is doing to me.
It comes a point where a man breaks and after 7 years of dealing with all this,this is my breaking point.I have almost no hope and no desire to do anything anymore.I pray tahajjud everyday but i dont think i will today,i also disconnected myself from some muslims i have contacts with online,i dont want to talk to anyone.I am angry at everything and the worst is because i am angry at Allah.I know i shouldnt be but i cant help it.I dont know,i dont know why He doesnt want me go to Him,idk why He doesnt accept me.I need Him so much but i feel i am so alone.
If it is because of my sins,i know i am a wicked person and i wish i could whip myself,but in the end i know others who make worst sins than i do,and i know smn who even commited shirk,left islam and made zinnah,and his life became great.Now i know that he is given the dunya because he lost the akhirah.But i have also lost the akhirah,if i die now i have nothing to show before Allah.Ramadhan is coming soon and if i am still here it will be another ramadhan that i cant fast completely.Out of 5 pillars i have accomplished 0.
Anyway,this is getting to long so i will stop,what i want to say is that,after 7 years my situation is still the same,i have no hope it will be better.And since everytime i get a good news,another bad news follows short and reverses everything.I think that even if i am given what I always asked,smth will happen which will put me in depressed situation again.I dont think things will ever go well for me.
So please,Allah will listen to you,please tell Him to have mercy on me,to give me a chance so i can show that i can be a muslim too.I know i am a failure,but i have rejected zinnah even when i had to spent the night alone with a girl,and when i lived alone for some times i have always prayed,even fajr on time,so i may not be good,but am better at this sinnful failure i am now.
Please help me with your duaa,i dont want anything from you except duaa
(sorry if some things dont make sense,i black out and forget what i write,my mind is very overwhelmed)
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