Is my wife being selfish?

**dawah_786** · 10-21-2007

I don't know the answer to this one, so this is the scenario, please advise as to how to resolve. Recently my wife and I have been planning to go to hajj inshallah next year. I went to my sister house not long ago and told her of my intention to go. As I have been kicked out my parents house long time ago (reasons for this as some of you may wish to know can be found in previous posts that I have sent) my sister went to my mum house and told everyone about this and also said that she will be comining along too. everyone at my mums undermined me saying we will see if he does have the will power to go so in a sense they challenged it which led my sister to challenging them back to giving them her word that "watch I will go next year with my brother and his wife and ill show you that when time is nearer" and she gave her qasam etc. Anyhow the problem is this that as me and wife have never been out of the uk before she assumed the prilgramige would be the best way forward if we did wish to go out the Uk. now she kinda upset with the fact that my sister wishes to come along too. what do I do to resolve this matter?

**Al-Zaara** · 10-21-2007

Thread approved.

**S_87** · 10-21-2007

has your sister performed haj before?

**dawah_786** · 10-21-2007

No but I think her own husband doesn't want to go as yet which is why she making the plans to go with me

**S_87** · 10-21-2007

hmm well i can see why your wife wouldnt want a sis in law tagging along and if it was a holiday id totally understand.
but this is hajj something that is necessary, and you are a mahram for your sister. why not explain this to your wife?

**dawah_786** · 10-21-2007

Originally Posted by amani

hmm well i can see why your wife wouldnt want a sis in law tagging along and if it was a holiday id totally understand.
but this is hajj something that is necessary, and you are a mahram for your sister. why not explain this to your wife?

Yeah she knows that but is kinda upset as my sister has a tendency to giving her word to my family about other things that involve me like recently without consulting or asking me she told everyone at home tht I'm going to take her leicester to buy her eid clothes whereas she didn't even ask me so my wife kinda fed up with her unruly ways of tagging along to places

**جوري** · 10-21-2007

Tell your wife, it isn't up to her to deny someone a religious right!-- she may have a say in other matters, but not whether someone prays, fasts or makes pilgrimage..

speaking as a woman, I sometimes myself can't understand the rational behind the behavior of other women?..

Emotions, emotions all over the place.. sob7an Allah-- I pray she finds away to understand that the meaning behind pilgrimage or fast or prayer isn't just in the ritual but in the positive change in self.. it is about reformation, making peace, reaching out, being a better person..
Do people honestly believe Allah needs our prayers, fasts or pilgrimage? It is for our own personal benefits..

Believe me I understand the discord between sisters in law, given that my own sister in law has tormented me and come between my bros and me and all of my family repeatedly.. but if there was just one opportunity for her to make a fulfill an obligation, no matter what it is. I'd find a way to put aside the differences and wish her the best on her endeavor...

I suggest you reason with your wife.. insha'Allah, she will see things from a pragmatic approach..
May Allah make this easy for all of you

**dawah_786** · 10-21-2007

Sister, she is understanding in that aspect but as my wife is going to work so that she can save for both her and me to go to hajj (im working to but paying household expenditure) she knows that if my sister comes along too she will have to pay for her expenses once she reaches saudi, I know my sister will pay the airfare to get there but she will expect the rest to come from me but in actual fact it will be the wife paying seeing as she will looking to pay for the entire cost of the journey and in that sense it doesn't seem fair on her but as she doesn't like to cause any hurt/upset to any I know my wife will keep schtum about it but deep down I know it may get to her

**sevgi** · 10-21-2007

Originally Posted by amani

hmm well i can see why your wife wouldnt want a sis in law tagging along and if it was a holiday id totally understand.
but this is hajj something that is necessary, and you are a mahram for your sister. why not explain this to your wife?

lol..

shes gna be stuck with her the whole time...not u bro...

its slack! she wants to do hajj without external intervention and reminders from the 'real world'...

shes being rightfully selfish i reckon!

**ayesha309** · 10-21-2007

i thnk ur wife seems like a very nice and accepting women so Insha'Allah things will work out but just have a word with ur sister

**dawah_786** · 10-21-2007

but how would I tell my sister as anything that I would say regarding the matter would probably result in her saying she doesn't want to go overall and then I will have to bear with her hateful attidue that she tends to give when she doesn't get her way around me

**sevgi** · 10-21-2007

Originally Posted by dawah_786

but how would I tell my sister as anything that I would say regarding the matter would probably result in her saying she doesn't want to go overall and then I will have to bear with her hateful attidue that she tends to give when she doesn't get her way around me

lol...who is she again?

ur sister...

u have a life..u have a family of ur own...u have a wife. thank god she isnt like ur sister.imagine what u wud do then.

well...

u have to break someones heart.

take ur pick.

be wise.

**Amz** · 10-21-2007

u gota have a chat with ure sis...i knw itz gnna b tough, but its got 2 b done

**Maidah** · 10-21-2007

bro if ur sis is capable of going with her own husband, i think she should make plans to go with him. But going hajj is one of those things that is up to Allah, sometimes we can have everything planned and ready but we still don't end up going, it's when he wills for us to come that we are able to go.

I'm sure if you explain to ur wife she will inevetably accept it, but i see no harm in you speeking to your sister about this and ask for her opinion on this matter.

And hajj is hajj, not a survey trip of the place. so if ur sis gets to do the hajj through you (as you're her mahrem), then you'll just get sawab for it.

**MaiCarInMtl** · 10-22-2007

I think you need to talk to both your sister and your wife.

Your wife shouldn't be upset that your sister wants to come along on Hajj - I think it sounds like a great idea (isn't it better in groups?). If it's a question of money, then your sister and her husband should make sure that she takes responsibility for all of her expenses (you and your wife are already paying for your part). Also, your sister shouldn't be speaking for you - you're an adult, you can speak for yourself and make your own decisions.

Simply my $0.02.

**S_87** · 10-22-2007

oh it seems the issues not hajj at all but your sister. so how about telling your sister that she cant come anywhere with you unless shes invited or asks first?

and if she IS coming for hajj your wife will NOT be paying for her but she can pay for herself? and if she comes up with the i cant afford it excuse then just tell her if she cant afford to go for hajj then it is not necesary for her

**Ummu Sufyaan** · 10-22-2007

Originally Posted by dawah_786

I don't know the answer to this one, so this is the scenario, please advise as to how to resolve. Recently my wife and I have been planning to go to hajj inshallah next year. I went to my sister house not long ago and told her of my intention to go. As I have been kicked out my parents house long time ago (reasons for this as some of you may wish to know can be found in previous posts that I have sent) my sister went to my mum house and told everyone about this and also said that she will be comining along too. everyone at my mums undermined me saying we will see if he does have the will power to go so in a sense they challenged it which led my sister to challenging them back to giving them her word that "watch I will go next year with my brother and his wife and ill show you that when time is nearer" and she gave her qasam etc. Anyhow the problem is this that as me and wife have never been out of the uk before she assumed the prilgramige would be the best way forward if we did wish to go out the Uk. now she kinda upset with the fact that my sister wishes to come along too. what do I do to resolve this matter?

no, i dont think your being selfish. i think its your sisters fault for doing the qasam. im not too sure what it has to do with you. did you promise that you would take her? no.
i agree with your wife. i would be pretty upset too if someone decided to butt in.

**IbnAbdulHakim** · 10-22-2007

take your sister to hajj, she stuck her neck out for you, its the least you can do !

**Malaikah** · 10-22-2007

This is HAJJ we are talking about, one of the five pillars of Islam!

You might want to find out from a sheikh, but you might actually be obliged to take her.

**UmmSqueakster** · 10-22-2007

I'm of the camp where you sit down with yoru sister and explain the money issue. If the issue is that you'll have to pay for her and you, her brother, can't afford it, that's how you have to explain it. From my understanding, the money your wife makes is hers and hers alone. If she wants to give it to someone else, then she can, but no one else has a right to that money.