OCD,am really sick of it.

[Scorpian]

Hey all
I have OCD(OBsessive COmpulsive Disorder) i`ve had it since i was 13 but it`s only just got worse,i`ve been close to suicide on numerous occasions,i`ve self harm,cut my self,strangled myself,and i feel like i just want to kill myself sometimes cause it stops me from knowing form is real and what is just the illness.
I really need some help,I just looked at my local mosque,and well there was teenges outside,(not meant to be rascist or anything) but i got beaten up and picked on my them(not the same ones) and this is causing me to have doubt in the back of my head,of going to a mosque.
Islam feels right in my heart,i mean i love reading the quran,watching muslim pray in mosques and looking at mosque etc,but in my head i`ve got all this doubt.IT doesn`t help with the news, and all the teenages that convert and then become extremists,i mean i don`t think my mum would like me becoming muslim because of the freaking media and bad press it has got.
What should i do? My biggest fear is myself,i`m scared of myself,i`m like the hulk one mintue i`m relaxed,and casual etc, the next i`m freaking going crazy haha.
Should i just prey at home,without a rug,would allah understand?I hate this illness. I`m in tears now.

[Ummu Sufyaan]

i read in one of your other posts you are not Muslim, but i will none-the-less advice you to accept qadr (fate). whats done is done and that cannot ever be changed (once you realize this, life gets easier) so the the next step to take, is to work around your problems.

you need to be as rational as you can and always try to strike a balance. extremism on both ends of the spectrum isn't good. there is such things as over thinking/over doing things, but do you best to avoid this by implementing what is in your scope of capability....as long as you have taken the proper precautions in avoiding harm (or whatever it is you want to avoid), then try not worry about the rest-it does nothing except cause heartache and needless worry.

of course it is natural to fear something/someone once we have encountered a bad experience with them, but if you nearly choke of food, are you going to stop eating?

know as well, that once you step into that little realm of unnecessary worry and start revolving your life around irrationality, it is a hard cycle to break. you dont realize it yet, but say you did stop doing things that you had a bad experience with, eventually your mind and your psychology towards the way you see and view things will take a turn for the worst (even if unrelated). so its best to deal with your hurdles as best as you can, but within the scope of your capability. so in this case if you fear going to the mosque, maybe next time go to the mosque at a time you think you wont get harassed...continue to do this until you feel that feel of confidence has been resorted. and this method applies to other aspects of your life that you feel that your OCD will affect it.

free yourself from paranoid thoughts and give your heart/soul a break. this running away from everything is just a temporary refuge for deeper issues that you dont give yourself a chance to heal/get resolved. once you resolve those issues and get out of your little shell, you will feel more strong and confident. do yourself a favor and dont runaway but face the music...give yourself a fighting chance...that the least you can do.

What should i do? My biggest fear is myself,i`m scared of myself,i`m like the hulk one mintue i`m relaxed,and casual etc, the next i`m freaking going crazy haha.

you know when the best time to relax is? when you are feeling stressed (and likewise the best time to work is when you are feeling lazy) you dont need relaxation more than you need it at that time of worry so instead of causing more worry to yourself, counter your worry with relaxation.

if you get over stressed, getting more worried will only make matters worse as it causes one not to think clearly. think about it-what is your stress and worry doing to you? has it been helping? have you achived anything or gotten anywhere by getting worried needlessly.

its all about mental power and in a situation like this, its time to kick out that irrational thinking and start kicking in the rational one.

analyze what it causing you think like this and think of ways to counter-act them.

[Scorpian]

Thank Ummu Sufyaan.I try my best to relax and get rid of the irrational thoughts, but like i said it`s hard to know what`s real and what`s the OCD.When i prayed the other night,i just laid on my back on my bed looking at the ceiling holding the Quran with both hands on my heart, and i felt pure if you know what i mean, like what a hard drive is after just being reformatted.I then prayed not the proper muslim way,but i held the Quran in my hands and i bowed down and asked allah/god if he and his angels are there can they help me to understand the Quran, and i felt at one.
Again not to be racist but,i haven`t seen one white muslim man where i live.And what with the illegal wars in iraq, afghanistan etc.I`m just gonna go i think and whatever happens happens.If i can`t go to a mosque/feel uncomfotable i`ll just prey at home.This also a huge step for me which is causing me anxiety etc.But like i said whatever happens happens.

Thanks for the help.

P.S how i give u rep?

[Woodrow]

Thank Ummu Sufyaan.I try my best to relax and get rid of the irrational thoughts, but like i said it`s hard to know what`s real and what`s the OCD.When i prayed the other night,i just laid on my back on my bed looking at the ceiling holding the Quran with both hands on my heart, and i felt pure if you know what i mean, like what a hard drive is after just being reformatted.I then prayed not the proper muslim way,but i held the Quran in my hands and i bowed down and asked allah/god if he and his angels are there can they help me to understand the Quran, and i felt at one.
Again not to be racist but,i haven`t seen one white muslim man where i live.And what with the illegal wars in iraq, afghanistan etc.I`m just gonna go i think and whatever happens happens.If i can`t go to a mosque/feel uncomfotable i`ll just prey at home.This also a huge step for me which is causing me anxiety etc.But like i said whatever happens happens.

Thanks for the help.

P.S how i give u rep?

Starting with the last question, you will have the option to rep others after you have made 50 posts and are a full member. I know it seems like a long time but it passes fast.

There are many times and conditions under which it is permissible to pray at home. The importance is not where you pray but that you do pray. While we are encouraged to pray at the Masjid(Mosque) there are times this is not possible. When something is not possible such as because of illness, location etc. We are only obligated to do what we actually can do. Although as males we should make every possible effort to make the Jummat prayer on Fridays at the Masjid. But, remember Allaah(swt) does not hold us at fault for not doing what we genuinely can not do. Our intent to do the obligation is there and we need not fear not doing what we can not do. Most of my prayers are done at home as I live over 200 miles from the nearest Masjid. It is physically impossible for me to do all of my prayers at the Masjid and during our 6 months of winter, I am often snowed in and unable to even leave the house.

[Scorpian]

Starting with the last question, you will have the option to rep others after you have made 50 posts and are a full member. I know it seems like a long time but it passes fast.

There are many times and conditions under which it is permissible to pray at home. The importance is not where you pray but that you do pray. While we are encouraged to pray at the Masjid(Mosque) there are times this is not possible. When something is not possible such as because of illness, location etc. We are only obligated to do what we actually can do. Although as males we should make every possible effort to make the Jummat prayer on Fridays at the Masjid. But, remember Allaah(swt) does not hold us at fault for not doing what we genuinely can not do. Our intent to do the obligation is there and we need not fear not doing what we can not do. Most of my prayers are done at home as I live over 200 miles from the nearest Masjid. It is physically impossible for me to do all of my prayers at the Masjid and during our 6 months of winter, I am often snowed in and unable to even leave the house.

Thanks mate helped alot.Also answered a question i was going to post.