Having the courage to say no.....good choice or not?

[AnonymousPoster]

Ramadan Mubarak to all.


I have some time before i have to make my final decision, but i have recently gotten an offer of marriage to a very nice man. He is educated, hard worker, from the little i saw of him, good looking, respectful of my family and that i embrace my religion. At first i thought i got the total package, everything i wanted, but there is one major issue i found. He does not pray, he has the occasional drink (even though he calls himself a muslim) and he was a little bit disappointed at my hypothetical question about whether or not it would bother him if i taught our children to pray and took them to masjid. He ended up saying he would allow it, but when i expressed my disapointment at his answer he didnt understand. As respectfully as i could manage i explained to him that i want my future husband to be HAPPY that his wife wants to teach the kids to pray, to encourage it because we are obligated to teach them. But he doesnt seem to grasp that concept. He keeps saying those are "little things" and that its ok, i can teach them he wont stop me.

I feel like he is missing the point. Am i wrong? When i was younger i wasnt raised in a religious household either, but Alhamudullah my father was guided by Allahswt and he picked up a Kuran one day and never put it down. Thanks to that guidance i am on the right road.

Ever since we began to embrace our religion i dreamed about having a husband like my father, who doesnt drink, prays, takes us to islamic gatherings, goes to masjid. My dad is so patient, so kind, Alhamdullah what my dad is like ever since he embraced his religion. Before, he was a completely different person!


So back to the guy, he is great in every way except his lack of deen, and i feel like that one reason is something i cant get passed. He says he will listen to me in regards to religion but that he "cant" do it himself. He said he is 29 now, and its too late.
I nearly choked when he said that! I looked at him, smiled pleasently and tried to remain calm. My mother kept staring at me willing me to keep quiet with her eyes, but i had to say something!
I said to him, "Allah swt gave you those eyes, and those hands, those feet...so that you may worship him and thank him for giving you those and more. You can do it, you just dont want to and the fact that you dont and wont is going to be a deciding factor on whether i accept your proposal."

I thought for sure after i said that he wouldnt even want to continue to pursue me! But alas, he still is. Am i right or wrong to have the courage to say no about this?
Some girls i know are calling it cowardice because any girl woul d love to have a man like him, but im not like every girl!

[mathematician]

You know what you are one hell of a strong woman. I wish we had more women like
you out there so that all this nonsense of "the guy is not treating me well" would stop.

The fact is, no matter how "nice" he is, if he doesn't pray and "occassionally" drinks then I'm sorry it's just not enough. A father has more influence on his kids than a mother. The thingi s once you get children as a mother you will be working so many hours and losing energy. At that point the father will be doing most of giving them lessons.

One thing women make a mistake about is "he will change for me". No, not true. I am not saying you are making this mistake. No you are a wise woman, if I may say.
But you know the guy is 29 so there is not much hope in him starting to pray just because he met a woman he fell in love. Men don't operate that way. We are who we are.

Sister, the thing is there are men who don't pray and are good husbands. But since you want the man to have his heart on our beautiful deen then he won't be fit for that.

But hey, why don't you ask Allah and see what HE thinks about this?
Let us know what happens.
May Allah ta'ala bless you with a relgious husband. Ameen.

[Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн]

Ramadhan Mubarak sis

Sis if I was in your situation, I'd have said no right at the start. All those qualities mean nothing to me if he has no respect for the deen and calls it a small thing.

You said any girl would love to have a man like him...that's not true at all. I wouldn't ever accept His proposal just based on the fact that to him Islam is nothing cause to me it's my life. If I'm gunna spend my life with a guy whom I married, he better be into his deen. I wana upgrade, not downgrade because he does not pray and has his "occasional" drink. If you want to raise your children as good practicing Muslims...find yourself someone who would never hesitate to worship his Lord. I expect to marry someone I can grown in deen with.

My advice to you is...if you want to raise your kids Muslim and for them to love and fear Allah....marry someone who is willing to do the same and will always want to progress in his deen. If you want to say no then don't let it stop you. It's up to you whether you want to or not.

Me personally, I'd have said no right when I got hte idea that Islam had little importance to him.

[Snowflake]

Don't even consider marriage to this man. You shouldn't even be worrying whether he will be happy for you to take your children to mosque or not.. just the fact he drinks and neglects salah make him unsuitable for marriage in the first place. He is openly disobeying Allah by drinking and not praying. Both are acts of kufr.

Look at it this way. In marriage, divorce although the most hated permissable act in the eyes of Allah, the Exalted, become obligatory if a spouse is neither righteous or upright on a religious level. If a spouse is so negligent in salah that they perform it late or totally neglect it and won't rectify their faults, then divorce becomes obligatory. Here, divorce is prefered, even though it's the most detested act in the sight of Allah, then how can marriage to such a person be considered in the first place?

And he has already said with his own mouth he 'can't do it'. That says a lot about the current state of his heart.

I said to him, "Allah swt gave you those eyes, and those hands, those feet...so that you may worship him and thank him for giving you those and more. You can do it, you just dont want to and the fact that you dont and wont is going to be a deciding factor on whether i accept your proposal."

That's brave to be upfront about it. But, you shouldn't have to wait until he does it or not to decide. Decide according to how he is at present. People will even call a donkey their father, when the need arises; meaning he can just pretend to start doing all that so you could fall for it and marry him.


Also, does your father know about this man's drinking and lack of deen? If he doesn't, as your guardian, he has the right to know who he is offering his daughter in marriage to.

[Snowflake]

Ramadhan Mubarak sis

Sis if I was in your situation, I'd have said no right at the start. All those qualities mean nothing to me if he has no respect for the deen and calls it a small thing.

You said any girl would love to have a man like him...that's not true at all. I wouldn't ever accept His proposal just based on the fact that to him Islam is nothing cause to me it's my life. If I'm gunna spend my life with a guy whom I married, he better be into his deen. I wana upgrade, not downgrade because he does not pray and has his "occasional" drink. If you want to raise your children as good practicing Muslims...find yourself someone who would never hesitate to worship his Lord. I expect to marry someone I can grown in deen with.

My advice to you is...if you want to raise your kids Muslim and for them to love and fear Allah....marry someone who is willing to do the same and will always want to progress in his deen. If you want to say no then don't let it stop you. It's up to you whether you want to or not.

Me personally, I'd have said no right when I got hte idea that Islam had little importance to him.

So true sis! No man who disobeys Allah is great. May Allah give him hidayah. Ameen

[AnonymousPoster]

Thank you to all of you who have given me supporting words.


One of the sisters who responded, i have to correct you on one thing, I did not say any girl would be happy to have him, someone else did to me and told me i was stupid for wanting to say no.

I didnt know he was not a practicing muslim nor did my parents until he came and asked if he could speak with me. My father asked a relative about the man, and the relative told us he is a muslim but doesnt know if he practices or not, my father left it up to me to find out.

I have pretty much made up my mind, i just pray that Allahswt one day gives me someone who is strong in their deen.


mathemtician, thanks a lot for the kind words! ....the way i see it, if a man is strong in his deen, and he prays, does not drink and follows the teachings of the Kuran....i wont have to worry about him treating me right, because i will know for sure that he will treat me justly.

[Cabdullahi]

forget his handsomeness......

[Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн]

Oops. My mistake sis I obviously read it wrong. Someti
es I read too fast. Alhamdulillah ur not cowardice at all but those girls who think they'll be hppy with marrying someone without deen.

Ameen to your dua sis.

All the best xxx

Btw I'm using my itouch so forgive sis.

[AnonymousPoster]

Dont worry sis, theres nothing to forgive, just clarified it, easy mistake.

[Salahudeen]

good am glad your going to reject this man, who thinks committing the major sins of islam is "little thing".

From the major sins of this religion are missing the prayer and drinking alcohol and he refers to it as nothing.


check this hadith out

"There is a hadith of the Prophet
According to Sunan Ibn-I-Majah Volume 3, Book of Intoxicants, Chapter 30 Hadith No. 3380.

It was reported by Anas (may Allah be pleased with him), that Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said: "God’s curse falls on ten groups of people who deal with alcohol. The one who distills it, the one for whom it has been distilled, the one who drinks it, the one who transports it, the one to who it has been brought, the one whom serves it, the one who sells it, the one who utilizes money from it, the one who buys it and the one who buys it for someone else."

So that covers the group cursed. You can decide for yourself now".

Your father can refuse him on grounds that he's not pleased with his religion and character which is perfectly permissable for your father to do so.

Abdullah ibn Umar reports that the Prophet said, "Whosoever drinks wine, Allah will not accept his prayer for 40 days. If he seeks repentance Allah will forgive him. And if he repeats it Allah will not accept his prayer for 40 days. If he seeks repentance Allah will forgive him. And if he repeats it again Allah will not accept his prayer for 40 days. If he seeks repentance Allah will forgive him. If he repeats it for the fourth time Allah will not accept his prayer for 40 days. If he seeks repentance Allah will not accept it and he will be made to drink from the river of impurities (of the inmates of hell).


some scholars consider the 1 who leaves the prayer as out of the fold of Islam meaning they don't consider him a Muslim based upon the hadith, "The difference between the one who believes and the one who doesn't is the Salah, whoever leaves it is not from us"

[- IqRa -]

He doesn't pray and he occasionally drinks

Isn't that enough to put you off him?! Even one of those characteristics would put me off a person.

[convert]

mashaAllah

i see sisters all the time rejecting brothers over minor, shallow stuff such as the brother having a beard, not being tall enough, "wrong skin color"/ethnicity/nationality, being a convert, etc. your reasons are more than valid and you did the right thing. may Allah grant you a pious husband.

[Malaikah]

I wouldn't go near a man who doesn't pray, but some who DRINKS?? Don't marry him!!!!!!!!!!

[S_87]

you made a right decision. this is not something minor that can be overlooked, this is a matter of deen

[zakirs]

God bless you for your importance to deen sis

[AnonymousPoster]

Thank you all! I was nervous about saying no, my father is waiting for the relative who introduced us so he can give him my answer.

I was nervous about my final choice, because when certain people who were aware of this mans interest in me found out i was gonna say no, they acted like i was making a huge mistake.

Thanks for the supporting words, i am happy with my choice. I know it will be better for me in the end.

[alcurad]

if you really don't like him then ok, but you can of course say yes too, if he's open to changing his ways.
I mean your own upbringing should give you an idea that anyone can change at any time, but religion Is important.
either way, best of luck

[Intisar]

Don't even bother stringing him or his family along. When people say stuff like ''ohh I only have one drink occasionally, I only blaze once a week'' it's usually them just trying to water it down. So just say no, and put a stop to it inshaAllaah before it gets a little too serious.

[true_muslimmah]

if you really don't like him then ok, but you can of course say yes too, if he's open to changing his ways.
I mean your own upbringing should give you an idea that anyone can change at any time, but religion Is important.
either way, best of luck

Yes people can cgange but there is no point ending up marrying this guy who promises when he gets married he will change because them are just false promises until he really thinks about it and repents to Allah SWT for even touching alcohol let alone drinking it.

I agree with the OP, she has made the right decision and may Allah SWT give you something way more better then him insha'Allah.

[cat eyes]

Ramadan Mubarak to all.


I have some time before i have to make my final decision, but i have recently gotten an offer of marriage to a very nice man. He is educated, hard worker, from the little i saw of him, good looking, respectful of my family and that i embrace my religion. At first i thought i got the total package, everything i wanted, but there is one major issue i found. He does not pray, he has the occasional drink (even though he calls himself a muslim) and he was a little bit disappointed at my hypothetical question about whether or not it would bother him if i taught our children to pray and took them to masjid. He ended up saying he would allow it, but when i expressed my disapointment at his answer he didnt understand. As respectfully as i could manage i explained to him that i want my future husband to be HAPPY that his wife wants to teach the kids to pray, to encourage it because we are obligated to teach them. But he doesnt seem to grasp that concept. He keeps saying those are "little things" and that its ok, i can teach them he wont stop me.

I feel like he is missing the point. Am i wrong? When i was younger i wasnt raised in a religious household either, but Alhamudullah my father was guided by Allahswt and he picked up a Kuran one day and never put it down. Thanks to that guidance i am on the right road.

Ever since we began to embrace our religion i dreamed about having a husband like my father, who doesnt drink, prays, takes us to islamic gatherings, goes to masjid. My dad is so patient, so kind, Alhamdullah what my dad is like ever since he embraced his religion. Before, he was a completely different person!


So back to the guy, he is great in every way except his lack of deen, and i feel like that one reason is something i cant get passed. He says he will listen to me in regards to religion but that he "cant" do it himself. He said he is 29 now, and its too late.
I nearly choked when he said that! I looked at him, smiled pleasently and tried to remain calm. My mother kept staring at me willing me to keep quiet with her eyes, but i had to say something!
I said to him, "Allah swt gave you those eyes, and those hands, those feet...so that you may worship him and thank him for giving you those and more. You can do it, you just dont want to and the fact that you dont and wont is going to be a deciding factor on whether i accept your proposal."

I thought for sure after i said that he wouldnt even want to continue to pursue me! But alas, he still is. Am i right or wrong to have the courage to say no about this?
Some girls i know are calling it cowardice because any girl woul d love to have a man like him, but im not like every girl!

i like how you spoke up about him not praying. it could be that you will be the very woman who will change him as you said your own father changed his ways so it proves anybody in this world can change.. now i notice some harsh posts from the brothers and sisters in this thread. i would not jump to calling anybody a kufir, or even suggest that he might be one. its a very serious accusation. did we not read the hadiths of the prophet mohammad pbuh!!. i have witnessed people changing from a good wife Alhamdulilah..
sister i think i would also be in shock if the brother told me he drank also. and the age thing, he is a bit to old also i would have to reject the offer of marriage but whatever is in your heart follow it. may Allah make your path easy on you Ameen