As most of you know me by now, you know my wifes best friend is a Muslimah named Zainab. They are good friends and spend allot of time together. They get allong great and can relate as far as their cultures go.
I/we have run into a small snag that i am looking for advice from you on. I know your thinking....WHAT? Why does Italianguy a Christian need Islamic advice?....let me explain.
I the past couple of months my wife has ben spending time with her new found friends (Muslims) and Zainab has made new friends since moving here (Which is awesome) but.....A couple of Zainabs friends have been flirting with me...I think? One has gone as far as to ask me (while I was fixing a sandwich in the kitchen, my wife and everyone were in the living room) "Why don't you revert to Isalm so you can take me as a wife as well?".... I told her there was no way, that I am married and I am a Christian. The other girl keeps making flirty remarks to me and I don't know what to think of that? I try to keep my distance now when they are over so it hasn't happened lately.
There is also a Somali Muslimah, at a kiosk at the mall in front of a store that my wife likes. She is always telling me I am cute. I mean...don't get me wrong, i appreciate the compliment, but thats not right is it?
I havent told my wife because she will have a hard time accepting this, and Zainab has NEVER done this. I am affraid if I say something it may cause a ripple in their freindship.
What should I do? Ho should I tell my wife? is there anyway someone here can give me a couple Qur'anic verses or such that I can print and hand to ZAinab to give to her friends? I just don't want this to get out of hand and I am sure there is a civil way to resolve this were everyone can be happy?
I have since asked my wife today to only allow Zainab to come over to the house. She wants to know why? what happened?
I think that I would tell your wife the reason why without pointing a finger at anyone specific or going into too much detail. The women will only deny that they have flirted with you, so there is no point in pointing a finger at them. They may even turn it back on you, and since there was no witness, then it is only your word against hers. Tell your wife that the reason you are not comfortable with any of her other new friends coming over (except Zainab) is because you have felt as though at least one of the women has said some inappropriate things to you. Remind her that you only love her and you have no desire for any other woman. I don't know if you are home all the time, but you could ask her just to not have them over when you are home. I would make sure not to ever be alone in a room with any of these women. If you are in the kitchen, and one of them enters, then quickly excuse yourself and walk out.
Have you considered telling the kiosk woman that you appreciate her compliments, but you would prefer she not say those things to you? You could also avoid the store your wife likes completely unless your wife is with you. Does the women only tell you that you are cute when you go alone? Or does she say it in front of your wife?
I ain't no expert at marriage far from it and this may sound very naive but no secrets in a marriage right?, I know you mean well by attempting to not let this issue affect your wife's relationship with her friends , but if you were your wife wouldn't you like to know if your mates were making inappropriate remarks with some sort of sexual connotation attached, maybe it was just a innocent joke the one about you reverting to "Islam and marrying her" though i don't see the funny side.
"Do not go anywhere near adultery: it is an outrage, and evil path." (Al-Israa’ 17: 32).
"tell the believing women to lower their gaze and be modest, and to display of their adornment only that which is apparent…And let them not stamp their feet so as to reveal what they hide of their adornment…" (An-Nur 24: 30–31)
I couldn't find any Fatwa directly about flirting however this is some what close to the topic: See here-How Should a Muslim Woman Conduct Herself? maybe other brothers and sisters could be more specific, anyway hope things work out for you Brother, take care
Last edited by S<Chowdhury; 03-08-2010 at 09:14 PM.
To my Akh's tryin to stay on their deen
It gets mean especially when u stay on the scene
And at the same try to stay out of trouble
But don't forget the blessing's in the struggle...
You gotta stay on your salats, your zakats, your Quran
Couple of things I would like to mention beforehand: -
1. Since I am not present and is only a hear'say, The validity of my advice might not be accurate
2. Please do not judge Islam over Muslim human behavioural but upon Islamic teaching
Brother, with what you have described above, one cannot accept Islam just for marriage, but for the right reason.
Try to avoid those women again but should you come across them again, you have to stand on your ground, be firm and to the point and tell them where they stand. Also mention that you will not tolerate this anymore. They may say it is a joke to get out of the situation but you got to be clear and tell them such jokes are not acceptable around your family.
If it does not resolve, you have the right to refuse entry to your house.
I would also suggest you to talk to your wife and tell her of what happened before she finds out from someone else. this will hurt her.
The women that you have mentioned have no rights to make such remarks, but again human trapped in shaytaan handywork and no Islamic teaching.
You love your wife so you should just tell her the truth, that way you're both clear and she doesn't think you're jealous of her friends.
Disclaimer - advice may vary depending on (a) how hot this friend is, and (b) if the kiosk lady sells electronic goods - hey come on you might get 10% off or a free bluetooth headset or something.
First of all, key sucess in any marriage is open communication. Talk to your wife and trust in her, let her know of your concerns and tell her as much as needed so she is aware and no more she don't go on you.
As for these women, they may be muslim women but not islamic women. you could put them on the spot next time by asking stuff like
Isn't flirting haram in islam?
Does islam allow this kind of casual mingling?
Aren't you suppose to lower your gaze? (the kiosk girl)
And you can share this verse with them directly or indirectly...
“then be not soft in speech, lest he in whose heart is a disease (of hypocrisy, or evil desire for adultery) should be moved with desire, but speak in an honourable manner”
[al-Ahzaab 33:32 – interpretation of the meaning].
Ibn Katheer, may Allaah have mercy on him, said in his Tafseer: "This means that they should not speak softly. Allaah commanded them to speak in a concise and decisive manner (i.e., they should be serious and brief in their speech, and not be vague or talk aimlessly). There should be no possible indication on the face that could be taken to indicate any softness in the heart, as the Arab women (before Islaam) used to do when speaking to men, by making their voices soft like women who are taking care of small children, or like prostitutes. Allaah forbade women to do that.
It feels sad that you have got problems with new friends of your wife and I hope they will resolve soon and the best way. It is also sad some muslims maybe don´t follow good manners like you explained. Sorry about that but we all are humans and everytimes our manners might not be right ones...
My opinion to this: if I would be in same situation, even I like to know the truth but as first one who answered, maybe better you don´t mention by name those have behaved by that ways what has embarrassed you.
In future, it also is good idea try to avoid staying alone with some of those ladies in same room. I think here is some hadith where is mentioned that "if man and woman are together (in same room), Satan is there as the third". Hopely someone can find that one to here?
Best luck to you, I-guy
From Occupied Palestine:
We have suffered too much for too long. We will not accept apartheid masked as peace. We will settle for no less than our freedom.
are you serious??oh: it looks to me like these ladies are not practicing muslims
You will find them everywhere.. like they dont lower there gazes and they flaunt there beauty at every guy they see and tempt them in to doing haraam with them.
but i just want to note that dont judge every muslim woman because we are not all like that. these are people who have a disease in there heart so there gone astray some scholars may say.
it was extremely cheap shot maybe to get you to leave your wife probably, who knows
''Revert to islam and then marry me'' wow.. shes not shy is she lol
just be careful who your wife mingles with... just because somebody holds the name ''muslim'' dose not mean they are one.. because muslims dont act like that. muslims fear Allah and try to keep away from sins especially being alone with a man, for a woman, this is a major sin!
just let her know that. it dose not mean you can trust them just because they are muslim.
everybody has a weak side to.. i am just curious as to know the ages of these muslimahs?
OMG. Yeah agree with you 110% sis cat eyes. Some heavy stuff here seriously. I agree with the first brother that posted. I guess your wife will see you are trying your best to fix this situation and you will be true to her no matter what. I think that scores you some bonus points. Dont mention any names though and make sure she doesnt think its Zainab. Would be sad if theres some miscommunication that results in a fight between them. Woww some heavy stuff, im too young for these kinds of subjects .
tell her to stop or else she will not be welcomed in your house and you will tell your wife.
be a strong man for your wife.
not someone who takes compliments from ignorant blind woman.
we all already know your hot stuff.
( i live in elmhurst queens btw lol thank you for your message.. its nice to meet you lol. i went to school in astoria.)
ill tell you what works for me bro, never look them in the eyes, whenever you catch their gaze look away and only talk to them very breifly.
they will at first feel a bit cold towards you then theyll start to understand you are a respectable person and will refrain from their behaviour. trust me its stronger than words, and youll have to keep this up for a while so they get the message.
hope things work out bro, last resort you tell your wife, if things get out of hand her relationship with them will be jeapordised anyway...
Oh wow! I am soooo sorry! I posted this thread yesterday and apparently it didn't list me as subscribed to it....weird? I didn't even think it got posted until someone messaged me and told me a few minutes ago. I appologise for not answering and thanking you all for the advice
So I guess I will tell you where we're at now.
I told my wife about this late last night, she was crying but took it ok...i guess? I think she thought at first it was Zainab, but I quickly cleared that up. She and Zainab talked today and apparently Zainab was furious with her friends. She came over to appologise for them to my wife and said they won't be comming over to her place or my place anymore. I have to be honest, i didn't want it to go that far, my wife and Zainab have allot of fun with them...BUT, Zainab says that they are not good friends or a help to her faith if they are acting like that, which I guess is true? My wife is just a little upset now she just has it in her head that someone is going to steal me away.....like i'm some kinda catch, I reasured her that it wont happen and that I am dedicated to her and her only! I couldn't even immagine thinking of leaving her or cheating on her...NO WAY! I have been blessed with an angel that....puts up with me
Someone asked there ages...My wife is now 23, Zainab is 22? I think..maybe 23, or 24? The others are in their early 20's like 21-26. I am 30.
I guess it's ok now between Zainab and my wife? I would immagine it is....they're upstairs in the theater playing Wii fit and giggling.....probably at me
Also I always tried to stay gone while all of them were over. They usually don't stay tooo long, enough time for some chia, and giggles I stay in my office, or watch tv in the kitchen
It's just that a friend of mine noticed them flirting, I am pretty nieve when it comes to women and can't tell I don't know what flirting is I never did the dating thing so i wouldn't know? But when the girl in the kitchen said what she said....it was pretty obvious...even for me, and that was going to far.
I never make generalizations of a people, just because of a couples actions
God be with you!
Again i'm sorry for answering late, please accept my humble appologies
You love your wife so you should just tell her the truth, that way you're both clear and she doesn't think you're jealous of her friends.
Disclaimer - advice may vary depending on (a) how hot this friend is, and (b) if the kiosk lady sells electronic goods - hey come on you might get 10% off or a free bluetooth headset or something.
LOL, I just noticed the disclaimer That was funny.
To answer: (a)Allot! (b) Your right! I forgot about that, i need a new headset for my iphone...but she only sells scarfs and jewelry and stuff like that
tell her to stop or else she will not be welcomed in your house and you will tell your wife.
be a strong man for your wife.
not someone who takes compliments from ignorant blind woman.
we all already know your hot stuff.
( i live in elmhurst queens btw lol thank you for your message.. its nice to meet you lol. i went to school in astoria.)
ALLLLLL Right! Finally, I get a back home bro I was just in Astoria 3 weeks ago. I went to Jackson Heights to get a new Sherwani for a wedding, and stopped by Astoria to see some old friends
Final bit of advice (if you dont mind me being TOO nosy again ).
Do something sweet for your wife. Buy her some flowers or so and say: "You are the only woman for me or so". Maybe that will take care of her being scared to loose you. Plus it gets you extra bonuspoints!
What Zainab is doing is not the right thing, infact she shouldn't even get involved with you or joke about with you, or even talk to you - except in case of necessity. You yourself should know that the Messengers' of God called against such practises simply because anything which leads to temptation is also forbidden.
Weren't you innocent enough to hear their statements of flirting? Isn't it quite obvious that if other women have 'made moves on you' - that you should be avoiding contact with any encounters like this, or anything which will lead to this?
So my advice to you is to obey the commands of modesty that the Messengers' of God commanded. This is in obedience to God, and if you love your wife, out of love for her. This should be your top priority. This will ensure that your relationship with your wife is pure and secure.
She is going to be scared all the time that another girl may approach you - she even suspected Zainab - so she's going to always have doubts. Your job then will be to avoid talking to Zainab, to even avoid looking at her. If she was to ask why, you tell her that it is part of her religion [Islam] to be modest and avoid you, and secondly because you are wanting to be obedient to God, and to show sincerety to your wife through action.
Would you like your wife to be in a separate room with a guy who flirted with her? No? Then your wife's crying is a sign that she didn't handle it well, and that she fears to lose you. You need to prove your sincerety to her through action, and following your own religion.
This is advice and not an attack, I hope you benefit from it.
What Zainab is doing is not the right thing, infact she shouldn't even get involved with you or joke about with you, or even talk to you - except in case of necessity. You yourself should know that the Messengers' of God called against such practises simply because anything which leads to temptation is also forbidden.
Weren't you innocent enough to hear their statements of flirting? Isn't it quite obvious that if other women have 'made moves on you' - that you should be avoiding contact with any encounters like this, or anything which will lead to this?
So my advice to you is to obey the commands of modesty that the Messengers' of God commanded. This is in obedience to God, and if you love your wife, out of love for her. This should be your top priority. This will ensure that your relationship with your wife is pure and secure.
She is going to be scared all the time that another girl may approach you - she even suspected Zainab - so she's going to always have doubts. Your job then will be to avoid talking to Zainab, to even avoid looking at her. If she was to ask why, you tell her that it is part of her religion [Islam] to be modest and avoid you, and secondly because you are wanting to be obedient to God, and to show sincerety to your wife through action.
Would you like your wife to be in a separate room with a guy who flirted with her? No? Then your wife's crying is a sign that she didn't handle it well, and that she fears to lose you. You need to prove your sincerety to her through action, and following your own religion.
This is advice and not an attack, I hope you benefit from it.
Peace.
your right actually. its wrong for zainab to be interacting with you also
Maybe she has not shown her true colors yet. ud want to be careful of people really. sometimes its hard to trust others and you dont know what there intention really is.
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....let me explain.
I told her there was no way, that I am married and I am a Christian. The other girl keeps making flirty remarks to me and I don't know what to think of that? I try to keep my distance now when they are over so it hasn't happened lately.
, but if you were your wife wouldn't you like to know if your mates were making inappropriate remarks with some sort of sexual connotation attached, maybe it was just a innocent joke the one about you reverting to "Islam and marrying her" though i don't see the funny side.
on you. 
oh: it looks to me like these ladies are not practicing muslims 
wow.. shes not shy is she lol
with her friends. She came over to appologise for them to my wife and said they won't be comming over to her place or my place anymore. I have to be honest, i didn't want it to go that far, my wife and Zainab have allot of fun with them...BUT, Zainab says that they are not good friends or a help to her faith if they are acting like that, which I guess is true? My wife is just a little upset now
she just has it in her head that someone is going to steal me away.....like i'm some kinda catch
...but she only sells scarfs and jewelry and stuff like that
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