Brothers and Sisters i need some help regarding a really personal issue and a Islamic perspective. Basically I met this Muslim guy nearly a year ago and we were friends at first and well he didn't want a relationship because its wrong to have a a girlfriend etc... however as i got to know him and wanted to be with him, he told me about Islam and i got interested and I was willing to convert to Islam and we said we'll get married after Uni, n until then we'd keep contact to a minimal.
However i guess one night one thing lead 2 another, n well a few weeks later i found out i was pregnant. I told him and at 1st he was a bit shocked and didnt know what to do, but i guess in his eyes he wanted to do the right thing and stand by me and his child. His parents however were horrified at wat had happened n said that the baby and the whole situation is a Sin n for him to marry me and raise the child would be even a bigger sin. N within a few weeks his parents moved him away.
I guess i want to ask is were his parents right as to saying that it would be a bigger sin to raise the child and marry me ? I know i should ask a Imam or scholar but i was hoping if this forum could answer the question instead. Isn't it a sin to leave your child fatherless?.... though i don't know where he is he regularly texts to make sure I'm okey n things, he wants to leave home and come back to me to help me with the pregnancy n things, is he doing the right thing by leaving home? because i know your not suppose to disobey your parents wishes but i don't think the parents are making sensible choices personally.
to the Forum. I'm very glad that you came to ask about your case May Allah guide you to the straight path.
Allaah has forbidden the adulterer and adulteress to marry unless they both repent. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“The adulterer — fornicator marries not but an adulteress — fornicatress or a Mushrikah; and the adulteress –fornicatress, none marries her except an adulterer — fornicater or a Mushrik [and that means that the man who agrees to marry (have a sexual relation with) a Mushrikah (female polytheist, pagan or idolatress) or a prostitute, then surely, he is either an adulterer — fornicator, or a Mushrik (polytheist, pagan or idolater). And the woman who agrees to marry (have a sexual relation with) a Mushrik (polytheist, pagan or idolater) or an adulterer — fornicator, then she is either a prostitute or a Mushrikah (female polytheist, pagan, or idolatress)]. Such a thing is forbidden to the believers (of Islamic Monotheism)”
If she is pregnant, it is not permissible for him to marry her until after she delivers the baby, in accordance with the hadeeth of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), in which he forbade a man to use his water to irrigate the crops of another.
To summerize: Both of them must repent to Allaah (zina is an immoral action and a major sin), and give up this sin, and regret what has happened of immoral actions, and resolve not to do it again. Then it will be permissible for him to marry her, after she delivers the baby.
As for your daughter, she is the product of an illegitimate relationship and it is not permissible for her to be named after the father, rather she should be named after her mother.
It was narrated from ‘Amr ibn Shu’ayb from his father that his grandfather said: The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) ruled that whoever was born to a slave woman whom his father did not own or to a free woman with whom he committed adultery, then he cannot be named after him and he does not inherit from him, even if the one whom he claims is his father acknowledges him. So he is the product of zina, whether his mother was a free woman or a slave.
Narrated by Abu Dawood (2265) and Ibn Maajah (2746); classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood.
If it'd destined for you to marry, then it's good for you to know (the rights of the wife) :
Praise be to Allaah.
Islam has enjoined upon the husband duties towards his wife, and vice versa, and among these duties are some which are shared by both husband and wife.
We will mention – by the help of Allaah – some of the texts of the Qur’aan and Sunnah which have to do with the duties of the spouses towards one another, quoting also from the commentaries and views of the scholars.
Firstly:
The rights of the wife which are hers alone:
The wife has financial rights over her husband, which are the mahr (dowry), spending and accommodation.
And she has non-financial rights, such as fair division between co-wives, being treated in a decent and reasonable manner, and not being treated in a harmful way by her husband.
1. Financial rights
(a) The mahr (dowry). This is the money to which the wife is entitled from her husband when the marriage contract is completed or when the marriage is consummated. It is a right which the man is obliged to pay to the woman. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And give to the women (whom you marry) their Mahr (obligatory bridal-money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage) with a good heart” [al-Nisaa’ 4:4]
The prescription of the mahr demonstrates the seriousness and importance of the marriage-contract, and is a token of respect and honour to the woman.
The mahr is not a condition or essential part of the marriage-contract, according to the majority of fuqahaa’; rather it is one of the consequences of the contract. If the marriage-contract is done without any mention of the mahr, it is still valid, according to the consensus of the majority, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“There is no sin on you, if you divorce women while yet you have not touched (had sexual relation with) them, nor appointed unto them their Mahr (bridal-money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage)” [al-Baqarah 2:236]
The fact that divorce is permitted before consummation of the marriage or before stipulating the mahr indicates that it is permissible not to stipulate the mahr in the marriage-contract.
If the mahr is stipulated, it becomes obligatory upon the husband; if it is not stipulated, then he must give the mahr that is given to women of similar status to his wife.
(b) Spending. The scholars of Islam are agreed that it is obligatory for husbands to spend on their wives, on the condition that the wife make herself available to her husband. If she refuses him or rebels, then she is not entitled to that spending.
The reason why it is obligatory to spend on her is that the woman is available only to her husband, because of the marriage contract, and she is not allowed to leave the marital home except with his permission. So he has to spend on her and provide for her, and this is in return for her making herself available to him for his pleasure.
What is meant by spending is providing what the wife needs of food and accommodation. She has the right to these things even if she is rich, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“but the father of the child shall bear the cost of the mother’s food and clothing on a reasonable basis” [al-Baqarah 2:233]
“Let the rich man spend according to his means; and the man whose resources are restricted, let him spend according to what Allaah has given him” [al-Talaaq 65:7]
From the Sunnah:
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to Hind bint ‘Utbah – the wife of Abu Sufyaan – who had complained that he did not spend on her: “Take what is sufficient for you and your children, on a reasonable basis.”
It was narrated that ‘Aa’ishah said: “Hind bint ‘Utbah, the wife of Abu Sufyaan, entered upon the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and said, ‘O Messenger of Allaah, Abu Sufyaan is a stingy man who does not spend enough on me and my children, except for what I take from his wealth without his knowledge. Is there any sin on me for doing that?’ The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, ‘Take from his wealth on a reasonable basis, only what is sufficient for you and your children.’” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5049; Muslim, 1714)
It was narrated from Jaabir that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said in his Farewell Sermon:
“Fear Allah concerning women! Verily you have taken them on the security of Allah, and intercourse with them has been made lawful unto you by words of Allah. You too have rights over them, and that they should not allow anyone to sit on your bed [i.e., not let them into the house] whom you do not like. But if they do that, you can chastise them but not severely. Their rights upon you are that you should provide them with food and clothing in a fitting manner” (Narrated by Muslim, 1218)
(c) Accommodation. This is also one of the wife’s rights, which means that her husband should prepare for her accommodation according to his means and ability. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Lodge them (the divorced women) where you dwell, according to your means” [al-Talaaq 65:6]
2. Non-financial rights
(i) Fair treatment of co-wives. One of the rights that a wife has over her husband is that she and her co-wives should be treated equally, if the husband has other wives, with regard to nights spent with them, spending and clothing.
(ii) Kind treatment. The husband must have a good attitude towards his wife and be kind to her, and offer her everything that may soften her heart towards him, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“and live with them honourably” [al-Nisaa’ 4:19]
“And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable” [al-Baqarah 2:228]
From the Sunnah:
It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘Be kind to women.’”(Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 3153; Muslim, 1468).
There follow examples of the kind treatment of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) towards his wives – for he is the best example:
1. It was narrated from Zaynab bint Abi Salamah that Umm Salamah said: “I got my menses when I was lying with the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) under a single woollen sheet. I slipped away and put on the clothes I usually wore for menstruation. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to me, ‘Have you got your menses?’ I said, ‘Yes.’ Then he called me and made me lie with him under the same sheet.”
She said: And she told me that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to kiss her when he was fasting, and the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and I used to do ghusl to cleanse ourselves from janaabah from one vessel.(Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 316; Muslim, 296)
2. It was narrated that ‘Urwah ibn al-Zubayr said: “ ‘Aa’ishah said: ‘By Allaah, I saw the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) standing at the door of my apartment when the Abyssinians were playing with their spears in the Mosque of the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). He covered me with his cloak so that I could watch their games, then he stood there for my sake until I was the one who had had enough. So you should appreciate the fact that young girls like to have fun.’” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 443; Muslim, 892)
3. It was narrated from ‘Aa’ishah the Mother of the Believers (may Allaah be pleased with her) that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to pray sitting down; he would recite Qur’aan when he was sitting down, then when there were thirty or forty aayahs left, he would stand up and recite them standing up. Then he did rukoo’, then sujood; then he would do likewise in the second rak’ah. When he had finished his prayer, he would look, and if I was awake he would talk with me, and if I was asleep he would lie down.
(Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 1068)
(c) Not harming one’s wife.
This is one of the basic principles of Islam. Because harming others is haraam in the case of strangers, it is even more so in the case of harming one’s wife.
It was narrated from ‘Ubaadah ibn al-Saamit that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) ruled, “There should be no harming nor reciprocating harm.” (Narrated by Ibn Maajah,, 2340)
This hadeeth was classed as saheeh by Imaam Ahmad, al-Haakim, Ibn al-Salaah and others. See Khalaasat al-Badr al-Muneer, 2/438.
Among the things to which the Lawgiver drew attention in this matter is the prohibition of hitting or beating in a severe manner.
It was narrated from Jaabir that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said in his Farewell Sermon:
“Fear Allah concerning women! Verily you have taken them on the security of Allah, and intercourse with them has been made lawful unto you by words of Allah. You too have rights over them, and that they should not allow anyone to sit on your bed [i.e., not let them into the house] whom you do not like. But if they do that, you can chastise them but not severely. Their rights upon you are that you should provide them with food and clothing in a fitting manner” (Narrated by Muslim, 1218)
I don't really understand how a man running away from his child is the islamic thing to do.
wasalaam.
Yes this is wat i dnt understand but its not his fault, he doesn't wanna run away he wants to be with us, his parents are the ones calling the shots here, he tried to defend me and he told his parent wat he wanted to do, they just beat him and told him he doesn't know what he talking about, he doesn't understand the demands of being a father and that if choose me over his parents then they'd abandon him. They dragged him away somewhere i don't know where but he tells me that its only temporary he thinks, they are thinking of taking him out the country or sumthin not sure .
Yeah sister my parents have been supportive of me for keeping the child and everything else, they even tried to contact his parents, but they don't wanna know. They just hurled abuse at me and my parents calling me everything under the sun .
Allaah has forbidden the adulterer and adulteress to marry unless they both repent. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
Yeah we both understand that what we did was wrong, i think he does more than any1 else, we want to repent and try to bring some good from all this, but his parents are saying the baby will remain a sin even if we get married.
Thanks for the source, so let me get this right, if we both repent for our sins and after the baby is born we can get married, Right? Just wanna re clarify, so what his parents are saying is complete bull**** and it won't be a sin if we get married after repenting and the baby is born, but the baby can't take on his name right?
If he has good character despite his mishap he could be a good father but you also have to consider what his parents want for him.
This is just really one bad choice he's made, and i partly feel responsible for it all . His character is good Muslim and I know he'll be good father, he's already shown that he's serious about it all, he's not gonna run away from his responsibility of a father, he wants to do right by us. His parents on the other hand have made it clear to him that he can't be a part of it and rather he should forget everything happen and i think they are even looking for a bride for him from his country , which is not fair to him or the bride to be. But thats not gonna happen anyway he said he'll run as far away from his parents, he's just waiting to the end of the semester so he doesn't jeopordize his education.
format_quote Originally Posted by Abdullahii
Three things to consider and thirdly don't let your love for him be the deciding factor of you converting to Islam.
Allah knows best
Mhmm of course not brother, i just observed him for a whilst we were friends and i found beauty in it so i decided to follow it up with research and things but since being pregnant I've had other things on my mind .
I think the parents are worried about their reputation in the community more than anything else.
If you can convince the guy to get a scholar so that he can talk to his parents and convince them somehow.
Allah knows best
Mhmm dat was wat i was thinkin aswell, i knw asian communities are tight knit but ugh he can't breathe a word about it with out angering his parents, he can't tell his cousins or anythin. its like they've pushed it to the back of there mind and they just want to forget everything. I'll tell him about repenting the sources the sis have given me and hopefully he can try but i doubt it highly.
I'm sorry sis your in such a position, I hope you and your baby are well. I'd agree with Abdullahii its more of a culture and community thing rather than religious but that does have a factor to play. Its plainly clear from the fact they are trying to get him married before any word gets out that he has a unborn child. I think you need an Imam or Scholar to help sit his parents down and try to sort it out, instead of them living in denial because as you said he's gonna run away anyway so i think he should try to talk to his parents and give them an ultimatum that either they accept whats happened and try to resolve the issue in a Islamic way which seems possible or he walks away from his parents.
Take care sister
To my Akh's tryin to stay on their deen
It gets mean especially when u stay on the scene
And at the same try to stay out of trouble
But don't forget the blessing's in the struggle...
You gotta stay on your salats, your zakats, your Quran
I'm sorry sis your in such a position, I hope you and your baby are well. I'd agree with Abdullahii its more of a culture and community thing rather than religious but that does have a factor to play. Its plainly clear from the fact they are trying to get him married before any word gets out that he has a unborn child. I think you need an Imam or Scholar to help sit his parents down and try to sort it out, instead of them living in denial because as you said he's gonna run away anyway so i think he should try to talk to his parents and give them an ultimatum that either they accept whats happened and try to resolve the issue in a Islamic way which seems possible or he walks away from his parents.
Take care sister
Mhmm like i said I'll try but i doubt his parents are willing 2 listen
hey i am sorry to hear of your problems but i am just curious to know what age is the father of your baby? because that might be one of the reasons his parents moved him away i cant imagine if he was older his parents would have any power over him what so ever because in islam its up to the adult to make there own decisions.
hey i am sorry to hear of your problems but i am just curious to know what age is the father of your baby? because that might be one of the reasons his parents moved him away i cant imagine if he was older his parents would have any power over him what so ever because in islam its up to the adult to make there own decisions.
18 n in his first year of Uni, but apparently to his parents 18 is still not an adult so he ain't able to make his decisions.
18 is young no wonder his parents are influencing him, which 18 year old is going to be able to go against his parents, he's only been out of school for 2 years. he's still a teenager not an adult.
he doesn't know the first thing about being independent, his mum probably still does his laundry and cooks his food for him. it's no wonder he's scared to go against them, asian mothers tend to make their children into mummy's boys by over mothering them.
so he will be scared to leave and be independent.
Last edited by KittenLover; 01-30-2010 at 08:31 PM.
18 is young no wonder his parents are influencing him, which 18 year old is going to be able to go against his parents, he's only been out of school for 2 years. he's still a teenager not an adult.
he doesn't know the first thing about being independent, his mum probably still does his laundry and cooks his food for him. it's no wonder he's scared to go against them, asian mothers tend to make their children into mummy's boys by over mothering them.
so he will be scared to leave and be independent.
LOL True Say Sis its a fact in some cases but not all mind you, some can cook and clean like mee .
Last edited by S<Chowdhury; 01-30-2010 at 08:41 PM.
To my Akh's tryin to stay on their deen
It gets mean especially when u stay on the scene
And at the same try to stay out of trouble
But don't forget the blessing's in the struggle...
You gotta stay on your salats, your zakats, your Quran
18 is young no wonder his parents are influencing him, which 18 year old is going to be able to go against his parents, he's only been out of school for 2 years.
he doesn't know the first thing about being independent, his mum probably still does his laundry and cooks his food for him. it's no wonder he's scared to go against them, asian mothers tend to make their children into mummy's boys by over mothering them.
so he will be scared to leave and be independent.
I disagree because you've basically painted a picture of a toddler boy without knowing any intricate details about the brother.
The sister said he has good character and is willing to look after the baby that's the only details we have and him having that desire to look after his baby it isnt an immature behavior to me
I didn't really want to mention it but ugh he's not scared of being idependent thats what he wants to do be able to make his choices, but his dad n his uncle n his mum r not listening to him, the one time he did try to tell them he's want to make his choice of being a father n stuff, he ended up in hospital with broken ribs n brusing on his arm, n soon after they moved him away. Obv he won't tell me that his family did it but i hav a feelin dey did sumthin, he just told the police n every1 that he about 2 get robbed n he fought bak.
I disagree because you've basically painted a picture of a toddler boy without knowing any intricate details about the brother.
The sister said he has good character and is willing to look after the baby that's the only details we have and him having that desire to look after his baby it isnt an immature behavior to me
I'm not saying he is immature, I'm saying he probably doesn't know how to live life away from his parents and be independent which is 1 of the factors that could be stopping him.
if you've lived with your parents all your life and never been independent it's gonna be scary for anyone to move out away from them and be independent cos they've relied on their parents since they were babies.
i.e they've never ran a house and paid bills or rent/mortgage or supported anyone. and this lack of experience is scary for anyone.
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Advice Needed :(
to the Forum. I'm very glad that you came to ask about your case
May Allah guide you to the straight path.
Sister.
. 
.
because that might be one of the reasons his parents moved him away i cant imagine if he was older his parents would have any power over him what so ever because in islam its up to the adult to make there own decisions.
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