If you have been reading my previous posts about the problems I am having within my family. Specifically with my sister, you will notice that they have only been escalating. For the past year or so I have been reminiscing and daydreaming/fantasizing about the years of 2006/2007. She was younger back then, there was some semblance of order and happiness in our lives, we would do things as a family, economic times were good. She was respectful and within my parent's control. Most importantly, she had a good respectful relationship with my parents and was a good practicing muslim who would pray regularly and focus on academics.
Today, she resembles a monster. I am afraid of her and even talking to her. I fear upsetting her as the way she lashes out on me could be very detrimental (jumping out of the car, calling the cops on me and accusing me of beating her, etc.) She has become very powerful and various sources are to blame. Also as an update, she has been to a psychiatrist and has been going to regular therapy. She has been diagnosed with depressive disorder and is seeking treatment.
However, she is still very angry at my mother for originally switching the schools. Since the end of September, she has had minimal contact with my mother. My mom is trying to save the family and be a better mom, but whenever she tries to connect or even go upstairs to my sisters room, my sister responds by saying " I hate you, B****, F*** off, I hope you die!" This just breaks my heart. The way my sister yells is also very frightening and has a bad impact on the peace of the house. Especially my 9 year old brother, who is getting influences by this as he sees her going without punishment or reprimand and thinks its okay to be disobedient and use foul language/be abusive. I think this pushes my mom away even further and into more depression and she seeks outside resources as my father is always with my sister. My mom is going through menopause so this is a tough time for her. My father is 52 and since my sister won't lift a finger to do her laundry, eat food at home, or even get her backpack, and she won't let anyone but dad do it, she tires him out. My dad was gasping for air the other day and I am worried.
Lastly, it is likely that if I want to continue and matriculate into Medical school next year, it will be out of state. This is due to my MCAT scores not being competitive for California. However, if I wait, I can retake it and stay. My dad says that I should just forget about this family and focus on myself. My mom says it as well. Everyone says it. However, I am the central helper of the family. I help my parents and my brother and help with house chores. I keep things together. I have come to the realization that my sister won't do anything to help out and will just leave when she turns 18. However, the damage that she will do to my parent's health is what scares me.
Medical school is 4 years long, I have a genuine constant fear that within that time if I am not around my brother will fall behind in academics, my father will be so overwhelmed with financial stress and stress/exhaustion from doing my sisters chores/house chores and dealing with the stress of my brothers academics that he will not survive or will be in seriously bad health. I fear my mom's health will deteriorate and she will lose mental sanity from all the mental abuse she gets and I am also fearful that my brother will rebel and become bad because he is not given enough attention due to my sister getting most of my dad's attention. I just will be overwhlemed with this fear that I don't think I will be able to perform optimally somewhere else.
As you can tell, I am very overwhelmed and filled with these negative thoughts and fears. I hope and wish that they aren't true, but nothing that I am experiencing is giving me any hope. I know that there is no way to go back in time, I keep on reminiscing about the past...kind a like the Gatsby in the Great Gatsby book. Seriously, I was looking at some pics when we first moved into our house. I can hear the laughter and joy when we celebrated birthday's/holiday's and had family dinners together. I wish there was a way to bring that back. I want the love and bond in our family to be restored. I honestly wish there was something I could recite? It would be a true miracle to go back and I would give anything to do it? I want my sister, brother, mother and father to be healthy, successful and prosperous and most of all happy...I would sacrifice anything for that.
Any special dua's or rituals you can suggest? I am really desparate.
wa alaykum us-Salaam,
you should be patient and keep making dua. you should (if you haven't already) talk to your sister. im not sure what else practical, you could do...its really up to your sister.
why wont your sister help with anything? cant she get some kind of job to at-least take the financial burden off? she needs to learn responsibility so that she can learn how to respect others.
Elikum Salam,
I agree with Ummu Sufyan. Convince your sister to start some job. Be patient, she will learn control with the passage of time. We all pray Allah that He reduce your pains and guide your sister (Amen).
SubhanaAllah reading ur post welled up my eyes. I dont want to assume but I cant help but wonder what happened that made ur sister this way. People who are as angry as she is often have trust issues. I wonder what happened that made her lose her trust? No one changes overnight and becomes a monster. If she wont listen to u, write her a letter tell her that u are her brother love her n will always be there for her. That she can always come to u if she ever needs anything.
No matter what hell she puts u guys through she needs ur love. I can imagine that its hard to love a monster who screams F**** OFF. Shes ur blood, shes worth it. Be strong my brotha, this ur test. Allah changes whom he wills, but make constant dua for her. Constantly, make dua for her.
She needs some tough loving. How about u take her to a home'less shelter to volunteer show her how unfortunate people are in this world. How some people dont even have a bite to eat, no family, no one. May Allah aza'wajal the one who changes hearts, change her heart ameen, n bring love n understanding in ur household ameen.
Ps: Play surah al-baqarah in ur home daily.
Last edited by Ansariyah; 12-13-2010 at 11:30 AM.
Thanks for the replies! I am going to try everything.
It's just so difficult to get the time but that's no excuse. This is literally controlling our lives and it's manifesting itself in outrageous ways. She is controlling everything we do as a family and is causing our family to disintegrate so this is crucial. As I told you guys earlier, due to financial hardships, we are selling our home in this dismal market. I spent the entire day cleaning it up an making it in the best shape to present to a real estate agent. My sister was out the entire day and towards the end of the day, I went to to tidy her filthy room up a little bit (it really is filthy, empty coke cans, half filled soda cups, chips, candy wrappers, gum on the floor, you name it, clothes on floor.) She yelled at me and started screaming profanity at me.
Honestly it paralyzed me and frightened me. Her voice and demeanor does that to me and I have not seen another individual capable of doing that except her. It really made me angry. She has no sympathy or remorse for anyone in our household. She calls us all abnormal. Today she is also making demands for a tattoo. Christmas vacation is coming up and we usually would go out to visit a local attraction to relax as a family, but she won't let go anymore.
Truth be told, she is a monster who I try to avoid as I am afraid of her temper and what she might do to me. Please pray that the medication works and she gets cured and back to the normal sweet girl she used to be inshallah. It's truly sad to see those pictures from when she was little and to think of what she is now.
We are selling the house and car so please wish us well in that regard too. In this rotten economy, people are giving us absurd offers. Inshallah, I hope someone right with the right offer will come soon.
May allah (SWT) bless you all!
I can understand not wanting to leave your parents and younger brother on their own and judging from your post you seem to be the glue holding your family together. In your older topic you mentioned that your father believes your sister is handicapped or has mental issues and that is why he allows her behaviour. I have a sibling with an illness and compounded with that they are also the baby of the family and can get away with just about anything although this sibling is not as out of control as your sister. but if your father honestly believes that your sister is mentally ill nothing you say or do will change his mind. I would advise you to take the advice of your parents and just go on with your life. Inshaallah your sister will realize what she is doing one day either through her own sense of through the same happening to her as a parent.
Salam
I couldn't quite figure out your ages through this thread and had to look back at your previous threads. Assuming that you're 18+ and she's 13, I find it difficult to picture how she can scare you with her temper.
Your dad seems to tend to her needs more than she does to him; and that's simply disgusting. Is there no one in the family who acts as an authoritative figure over her? Someone who can ensure that she faces the consequences of breaking the rules that are set?
Oh yeah, Dr. Who - google him.
Last edited by The Ruler; 12-25-2010 at 10:48 PM. Reason: Had to add a crucial piece of information
Asalaamu Alaikum, my brother everytime i read what you have to say about your sister i think about Super Nanny. For those who don't live in the UK or US she is a middle aged women who deals with behavorial problems of mainly children from toddlers upto mid teens. She would be perfect to help your family to sort the behavorial problems of your younger sister. I would recommend you try and get hold of some of her materials. Trust me she is brilliant. Here is a link to her website and maybe you can try and contact her for advice:format_quote Originally Posted by gs450la
If you have been reading my previous posts about the problems I am having within my family. Specifically with my sister, you will notice that they have only been escalating. For the past year or so I have been reminiscing and daydreaming/fantasizing about the years of 2006/2007. She was younger back then, there was some semblance of order and happiness in our lives, we would do things as a family, economic times were good. She was respectful and within my parent's control. Most importantly, she had a good respectful relationship with my parents and was a good practicing muslim who would pray regularly and focus on academics.
Today, she resembles a monster. I am afraid of her and even talking to her. I fear upsetting her as the way she lashes out on me could be very detrimental (jumping out of the car, calling the cops on me and accusing me of beating her, etc.) She has become very powerful and various sources are to blame. Also as an update, she has been to a psychiatrist and has been going to regular therapy. She has been diagnosed with depressive disorder and is seeking treatment.
However, she is still very angry at my mother for originally switching the schools. Since the end of September, she has had minimal contact with my mother. My mom is trying to save the family and be a better mom, but whenever she tries to connect or even go upstairs to my sisters room, my sister responds by saying " I hate you, B****, F*** off, I hope you die!" This just breaks my heart. The way my sister yells is also very frightening and has a bad impact on the peace of the house. Especially my 9 year old brother, who is getting influences by this as he sees her going without punishment or reprimand and thinks its okay to be disobedient and use foul language/be abusive. I think this pushes my mom away even further and into more depression and she seeks outside resources as my father is always with my sister. My mom is going through menopause so this is a tough time for her. My father is 52 and since my sister won't lift a finger to do her laundry, eat food at home, or even get her backpack, and she won't let anyone but dad do it, she tires him out. My dad was gasping for air the other day and I am worried.
Lastly, it is likely that if I want to continue and matriculate into Medical school next year, it will be out of state. This is due to my MCAT scores not being competitive for California. However, if I wait, I can retake it and stay. My dad says that I should just forget about this family and focus on myself. My mom says it as well. Everyone says it. However, I am the central helper of the family. I help my parents and my brother and help with house chores. I keep things together. I have come to the realization that my sister won't do anything to help out and will just leave when she turns 18. However, the damage that she will do to my parent's health is what scares me.
Medical school is 4 years long, I have a genuine constant fear that within that time if I am not around my brother will fall behind in academics, my father will be so overwhelmed with financial stress and stress/exhaustion from doing my sisters chores/house chores and dealing with the stress of my brothers academics that he will not survive or will be in seriously bad health. I fear my mom's health will deteriorate and she will lose mental sanity from all the mental abuse she gets and I am also fearful that my brother will rebel and become bad because he is not given enough attention due to my sister getting most of my dad's attention. I just will be overwhlemed with this fear that I don't think I will be able to perform optimally somewhere else.
As you can tell, I am very overwhelmed and filled with these negative thoughts and fears. I hope and wish that they aren't true, but nothing that I am experiencing is giving me any hope. I know that there is no way to go back in time, I keep on reminiscing about the past...kind a like the Gatsby in the Great Gatsby book. Seriously, I was looking at some pics when we first moved into our house. I can hear the laughter and joy when we celebrated birthday's/holiday's and had family dinners together. I wish there was a way to bring that back. I want the love and bond in our family to be restored. I honestly wish there was something I could recite? It would be a true miracle to go back and I would give anything to do it? I want my sister, brother, mother and father to be healthy, successful and prosperous and most of all happy...I would sacrifice anything for that.
Any special dua's or rituals you can suggest? I am really desparate.
http://www.supernanny.co.uk/
It is very obvious that your sister is very angry and this anger could stem from a number of things but what is also obvious is that the way your father is towards her just makes her behaviour ten times worse and actually feeds her bad behaviour. The only solution to your family issue is dua, patience and professional help. Make dua in the latter portions of the night and have hope in Allah.
Things will get better inshallah but your father needs more help than your sister because he needs to stop behaving the way he's behaving towards your sister. He needs to stop giving into her every demand. I would recommend you get your father proffessional help first as it is his approach which has made your ister progressively worse over the last few years.
May Allah give a solution to your family issues. Ameen
And Allah knows best in all matters
@Maryan
Thank you for the reply. It is a very difficult thing to deal with. Now we know for sure that she has major depressive disorder and the anger outbursts are a part of that the disorder. I have a feeling my parents fights and disagreements have led to that in addition to school stuff and her lack of maturity . But it is difficult. I wonder sometimes if sometimes she is using this diagnosis to her advantage and manipulating parents by using profanity. It HURTS so bad when she calls my mom a B*tch or yells F*ck off at her when she just comes upstairs to ask how she is doing. She tells her to get out. She never cleans up after her stuff and throws away food after only taking a bite out of it. I am wondering if the psychiatrist misdiagnosed her or if this is truly the case. He has given her medication so inshallah hopefully we will see some changes.
Well, as sad as it is, the house is going to get sold soon and parents are going to be parting ways in separate directions. I am more than likely going to go to the Carribean for Medical School or some school out of California (I really want to stay in the United States though as it will be better for my future career). I got rejected from my dream school which was literally 20 minutes from home. But given the current tension in the family, maybe distance is best for me as it will eliminate distractions.
If I do go I am concerned about my little 9 year old brother. I am scared she might influence him and he will turn like her. I am his current role model and I help him with homework, take him to Bball classes, art classes, etc. My parents both work and are not so savvy with these things as they never did them for me. However, I'm raised in the US and I know the way raising children "should" be done in the sense of what extracurricular activities are needed for their proper development. I am also the one who arranges play dates for him etc. So he will definitely be impacted by my absence. I am just hoping inshallah, that I am able to get into an allopathic/MD school in the United States at least so it will all be worth it. Getting into a good Medical School in California is a big challenge.
Thanks again and please keep me in your prayers.
@ The Ruler
Salaam. I am 21 years old and she is 14. I am fearful of angering her or provoking her as she is very destructive (breaking things like glasses, furniture, paintings) and causing physical violence. She is very strong for her age and works out at the gym. She had originally wanted brass knuckles a couple of years ago to use for attacking purposes but they are illegal in California. She also has tried to stab me with a knife and bang my head with a dinner plate before, but my father intervened. If I try fight back, she bites my hands and tries to get scratches on herself. Then she creates a scene with neighbors or whoever is around (i.e. a shopping plaza with shoppers) and gets security. She has attempted to get me arrested for fighting back as in this country, minors always win as they can claim child abuse. They turn things around even if they initiated it. She has tried to play this with my mom as well. I am not very strong for my age and don't have as much force as she does, it has to do with my thyroid. The same holds true for my mom and she still continues to threaten/provoke anger/physical response out of her and then hurt her.
When you she hears something that she doesn't like, she goes into RAGE mode and causes bodily harm and physical harm. I proceed with caution whenever in a dinner, event, etc. and now even at home. I try to minimize eye contact with her and keep conversation to a minimum. Whenever she hears NO or something not to her tune, it is very frightening. She has become very powerful especially over the last 2.5 years and now it is difficult to live in our house. She is only nice to my father as he views her as a psychologically disturbed child with a major psychiatric illness and lets everything slide. He bends the rules and alters our lifestyles so that she gets whatever she wants as he believes this her way to live without committing suicide. She is a very academically smart girl and was a GATE student but now she is so manipulative that she just chats online all the time and doesn't do any school work but instead goes out with friends as late as she wants. She also wants to get tatoo's and ears pierced and if we refuse, she runs away like out of the house.
This is a very stressful situation. I have been affected by this physically, emotionally, and academically. I just can't get how good things were a few years ago. I hate how things are disintegrating at this time and how everything is falling apart. She is very rude and evil now.
@ Hamza
Exactly, Supernanny is what comes to mind even for me. But I don't know if even she would be able to talk some sense into my sister. She is seeing a psychiatrist and counselor so I am hoping she will see the wrong of her ways and change for the better. Since she has been profesionally diagnosed with the depression disorder, I am hoping the medication she is taking will help to curb her anger spurts and make her more manageable to deal with.
As for our family, we are selling the house. It really does kill me inside to be selling it as I have a personal attachment to it and it represents a lot of good times for me. It was the most expensive thing we had ever owned. We actually bought it before it was constructed and were the first owners. We had so many hopes and dreams attached to it. However, it was a home back then today it's just a house. A home is what matters and it includes people who love, care and respect each other. The economy and my parent's work has also influenced the decision to sell. But the change in family dynamics as a result of the problems we are facing is the biggest factor.
Today, it's a miracle if we even speak to each other decently (mainly my mom/dad, mom/sister, sister/me) so its a very tense battlefield a lot of the time. It's not what it should be like and I deliberately find myself trying to avoid staying at home or coming home after coming back from college at night as I am terrified at what I might be surprised with (there might be fighting and arguments, physical and no physical, etc.
There is no semblance of peace and order in our house. My dad is like an animal that goes up and down like an energizer bunny for my sister. He is changing things for her getting her an apartment and not showing her what the real world is like. He is always opening back doors for her. Letting her get away with things. My mom has had enough and its too much to take at her age (50).
There is no longer any companionship between mom and dad. She is going through menopause and feels abandoned and all on her own, which is why she goes to malls after work just to see other people happy. I think she is in a depressed state as well after facing so much oppression and abuse from my sister.
Honestly, we don't go anywhere as a family anymore as my sister just wants to sit in her room chatting, texting on phone, or listening to music through her laptop. Our family has been separated by her influence over my dad and I am so angry about it. I'm angry at her and at him for letting this happen.
The more angrier I get the more unhealthy it is for me. I just have this dangerous therapy that I have created that includes looking at past videos, photographs, clothes and fantasizing about the past when were all happy and going on trips together, nice economy and business we had, planning birthday parties at our house, buying new furniture for the living room etc. it makes me happy. But it is very dangerous as I am constantly thinking about going back and changing the fact that my sister went to the school that she did and would have gone to the private one/islamic one close to our home and the difference it could have made today. I think about the ways I could have pushed my mom and sister to form a companionship and do activities together.
But I have to accept reality and allah's will. We can't change a single second of anything. It was all part of allah's plan. I just hope the pain and suffering we are going through will end and this is temporary. It feels like a nightmare that won't end at times when she goes through her tantrums.
It just entirely shatters my heart when I hear her speak in a foul/abusive way to my parents or when she guilts them or spreads her negativity to them along with threats. It really unnerves me and makes me feel unconfident and scared. I am afraid that my brother might face the same things and will also get influenced by her. He suffers from ADHD and has trouble reading/writing and I am the one who is at home to help him with homework, practicng and motor skill development as mom is busy with working and dad is with sister most of the time. So its very sad. Especially if I don't make it to med school here in Cali, it will be veery difficult for him. I am hoping things work out.
Regarding the house, even with some stability in the market, we are probably going to end up selling the house for less than what we spent on it, which means my parents are going to loose a lot of the down payment that was earned by them earlier on. They had planned on using some of that for our tuition for school and retirement, now they can do neither. In a way they are lucky to be selling as big homes require a lot of maintenance and my sister doesn't even help out with tiny things. She doesn't even pick up her trash from the table let alone the floor or the gum she puts there loltMy mom tries her best but it takes at least one full time person. Its a lot of work for people of their age. In addition to taking care of my brother, which is difficult as well
I just hope we are able to find a good price for the house where my parents can make some money for a comfortable retirement even if they will be separate.
Please do keep us in your duas!
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