Like, I'm Lebanese Muslimah. I'd love to get married and have kids but the thing is I'm afraid my husband might cheat since....
Cheating and zina is increasing these days. Even if the person (wife or husband) he/she is good looking, nice, smart, rich, everything u hope for in person, u find their spouse is unfaithful.
My dad threatened to leave my mom and most of my Arab friends said that their dad cheated on their mom. It's not the moms fault, some men they don't deserve a woman. And women are cheating too. There was this one woman whose husband was a CEO and she cheated on him even though he was faithful and rich.
...
It makes me worried, what if I put my heart and soul into my family but in the end my husband turns his back on me?
If you fear that your local community has such quality of men in your ethnicity then perhaps consider looking outside of that group?
Arabs have the tendancy to rush into marriage. After one or two meetings, they get the nikkah done and then either do the marriage ceremony right away or go through a "dating" period. Compare that to southeast Asains,who take their time getting to know the family, sometimes upto 2 years before they tie any knots. Something to think about...
Key to finding a devouted spouse is to find one who is God fearing. If he fears Allah then he will take care not transgress the limits set in Islam. I would say to find someone religously committed but that's no longer true. Many Muslims have become great in puttinig up that appearance while being quite devilous in private. Prophet () said to marry one whose character you are pleased with. So perhaps find one whose character seems sound.
Like, I'm Lebanese Muslimah. I'd love to get married and have kids but the thing is I'm afraid my husband might cheat since....
Cheating and zina is increasing these days. Even if the person (wife or husband) he/she is good looking, nice, smart, rich, everything u hope for in person, u find their spouse is unfaithful.
My dad threatened to leave my mom and most of my Arab friends said that their dad cheated on their mom. It's not the moms fault, some men they don't deserve a woman. And women are cheating too. There was this one woman whose husband was a CEO and she cheated on him even though he was faithful and rich.
...
It makes me worried, what if I put my heart and soul into my family but in the end my husband turns his back on me?
There's no reason for you to have this fear so as long as you choose to marry someone with sound character, morals, and piety. You yourself should also be mentally prepared and emotionally strong as a wife. Alhemdulilah we have the opportunity to ask questions and get to know the person before we get married to them. I have to disagree with the above post and say that you do not need to two years, or even a year to really know a person. If you are serious about marriage and are wise, you will discuss all the important things instead of focusing on social status, wealth, and how big/lavish the wedding will be like most girls do. You can tell how moral a man is by how he acts around you (eg. does he lower his gaze? does he attempt to be alone with you? does he talk inappropriately, etc.) and by how he treats the women in his family and especially his parents.
Secondly, the worst thing you can do in a relationship is compare it to someone else's. No one's relationship is similar to the other's and often times you are not seeing their entire life out in the public. Even if zina has increased there are still good brothers/sisters out there who are not interested in it. Having a 2nd/3rd/4th wife is halaal, even divorce is plausible if things aren't working out, but there are individuals who choose the haram route no matter how many halal options they have. So that's something to take into thought when considering a person for marriage.
Thirdly, you ultimately have so much control in how your relationship will turn out until you expose your private affairs to others. You shouldn't have known that your father cheated on your mother, and neither should your friends have known about their parents. It just shows the immaturity in the parents that they cannot handle their issues in a civil and discrete manner, and I assume this was an issue from the very beginning. You won't find happiness when you thoughtlessly involve people into your affairs unnecessarily. You might forget about something that your husband did, but because you shared it, no one else has forgotten about it, and therefore it transcends into their feelings towards him and vice versa, creating tension and negativity where it doesn't need to be. If you are in danger or need sincere advice, that's a different story, but otherwise it's best to resolve things privately and move on from them.
Lastly, don't focus on all the failed marriages. There are a lot of people who have been happily married for years. Make du'a that Allah pairs you with someone who is understanding, loving, genuine, beloved to Him, and who will be the best husband for you, and have more faith and trust that Allah will provide that for you. Get these negative notions out of your head and don't paint every man with the same brush. Just be smarter and follow the sunnah in choosing a suitable husband inshallah.
Last edited by *charisma*; 07-12-2017 at 02:11 AM.
Lastly, don't focus on all the failed marriages. There are a lot of people who have been happily married for years. Make du'a that Allah pairs you with someone who is understanding, loving, genuine, beloved to Him, and who will be the best husband for you, and have more faith and trust that Allah will provide that for you. Get these negative notions out of your head and don't paint every man with the same brush. Just be smarter and follow the sunnah in choosing a suitable husband inshallah.
As-salamu Alaikum,
Sister you know what i MISSED in her comment..everything was mostly based on culture and this human emotional dunya stuff. Go and re-analyze her first comment where did she refer something towards Islam? The most closest that came to that was this "everything u hope for in person".
I love to analyze things and even ponder about the wisdom behind whole advice of Rasullah(saws) for men as well as for women. In both cases "religion" is put in a very high position, yet this sister doesn't talk about it. This to me rather shows that she MIGHT practice Islam as culture-Islam, not really Islam as "me-being-convinced-Islam".
If we ponder about how come we must find a spouse that puts his/her religion on #1, is that i have found alhamdulillah a very good point.
Our loves towards our spouse goes through Allah. Our anger towards our spouse goes through Allah, our happiness towards our spouse goes through Allah, our sadness towards our spouse goes through Allah. With EVERY action..really EVERY SINGLE ACTION we first think what Allah would judge this action by? Does he love this action? If yes, we do that, if not, we abstain. This is when we will feel the barakah in our marriage. If our spouse dies, our thinking goes through Allah and we say indeed we belong to Him and to Him we will return. There is no deep sadness that overtakes us (some for example will commit suicide) or deep love that overtakes us (some would resort towards sihr so the individual falls for them or stays with them). All this sister is pointing out is one being handsome/pretty, rich, smart, nice..etc...while the MOST IMPORTANT thing is lacking.
This rather also raises another question of, how pious is she? Because the mouth speaks what lies in the heart. If religion has a lower priority most probably the last thing said is about religion and the advice that have been given.
I have found seriously NO other solution to a blessed marriage but through Islam and how Islam views it. From money based, from sabr based, from love based, from raising children..every single things is SUPER solid based on logic, rationality and reason that just blows your mind away.
So for this sister, sister..FIX YOUR SELF!!. Because this doubt is ONLY doubt when marrying somebody who has Islam NOT on #1. I have almost 0% hope in majority of women these days, however Rasullah(saws) as well as Musa(as) as Ibrahim(as) as far as i know it was Allah(saws) who provided them with good spouses. Based on what? They "fixed" themselves and Allah(swt) provided them. Their good character was something amazing.
The person that "pretends" to have good character with you, will NOT be able to answer question that need deep thinking. To gain a good character one is BOUND to be able to think deeply about their own character as well as questions and matters in life. When you ask somebody something the person who thinks deeply, will say honestly he does not know OR will answer it but will give you a very profound answer, while the "pretender" will act all arrogant and feels like he HAS to have a answer although he does not know the good answer, rather gives you a very shallow answer to your question. This is indication that you most probably dump the guy as well as towards the woman dump the woman.
Marry someone who is pious and fears Allah swt. Because of his fear of Allah swt he will treat you with the utmost respect and kindness and always trust in Allah swt and his qadr for you.
Sister, one thing is needed to learn about life: do not worry things before they have even happened. In this life everyone will have a lot of real sorrows to cry. No need to put time and energy for the happenings which may never come.
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) said to marry one whose character you are pleased with. So perhaps find one whose character seems sound.
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