I'm tired of my life and it feels like I never really got a chance to live. I've always been optimistic, I've always believed that life will get better with patience, but now I cannot take it anymore. I'm beginning to think that suicide is my only way out of this hell...
My life briefly
When I was 11 years old , I got shock of my life when I woke up one day and
saw that one knee was swollen , could not really understand why, when I
went to bed the day before there was nothing wrong with me . My parents rushed me to the hospital where I was diagnosed that I had a disease called "riley days syndrome" The problem is that I have read about this disease and none of the symptoms fit on me, I've always been a normal guy and were it not for the swelling knee, one would hardly believe that I was sick at all. After
many years and having met many doctors and as many treatments as I never got any real help in understanding what was wrong with my knee. At 20 years old I was told by my doctor that I risk an amputation case unless I make a so-called bone fusion surgery, which means that I would never be able to bend my left knee at all. After many months it turned out that as a side effect of the surgery I did, my leg was now 5cm shorter than the other leg so it would mean that one more operation was in order. At about 22 years old so it was time to make the long-awaited operation (that doctors would surgically lengthen the bone). I can still remember the pain that was included in the extension operation and the many many nights I used to wake up and scream of pain.
Healing time took almost a year to complete. After so many years, it was finally time for me to start living, I though. Through the years, I have gone a number of courses from graphic designer to programmer. It has always been vocational training for me and in every interview I've been on I always get the same answer that I do not have the proper education or that I have not enough experience, but how the hell do you get experience if you do not first get a chance to show what you can. So here I sit without a job or internship, I cannot even find internship.
So what do I do…
Because of my knee problem so I have no sports activities going on either, I run with weight training sometimes but it never feels like it's enough. Most of my time (my life) is wasted behind the computer. I've never been one of those sitting up all night playing (World of world craft) or something similar.
All I want is to have something going on in my life but I won't even get that. I cannot take it anymore, it hurts in my soul and suicide is almost the only thing I can think of right now.
It would be so much easier for me and everyone around me if I just die. I really cannot take it anymore.
After married for almost 19 years, I lost my beloved wife forever at June, 2013, after four years of her struggle against breast cancer that attacked her bones too.
Four years accompanied my wife in her struggle made me met many people who were suffer from illness too, but they still tried to survive, tried to stay alive.
Yeah, bro, while many people who suffer more severe than you are trying to survive, why do you want to die?. Why do you think death is the way out?.
Okay, I understand if you have been desperate and want to die. My wife was ever wanted to die too.
She was diagnosed got cancer on mid of 2009. On mid of 2010 her was getting worse after cancer attacked her bones. She often scream, wish to die. But I always tried to give her spirit to survive. Late of 2010 doctor removed her breast, and her condition immediately was becoming better. People asked her how she could got spirit to survive after she lost her hope?. And she answer "A love from my husband".
My wife had lost her hope to live, until she found a reason to survive, me, her beloved husband. She tried to survive for me, for our children, and for those who love her.
In 2012 her condition was getting worse again. But she still tried to survive although later destiny decided, she must go, returned to Allah. But my wife tried not to surrender at that time because she had found a reason why she should try to survive.
I understand if you think you don't have a reason why you should try to survive. But how about those who love you. Your parents?, your family?. Don't you realize how big their love for you?.
Young bro, always remember your parents and your family. Don't make them sad. You should try to survive. And if you cannot do it for yourself, do it for those who love you.
Because of my knee problem so I have no sports activities going on either, I run with weight training sometimes but it never feels like it's enough. Most of my time (my life) is wasted behind the computer. I've never been one of those sitting up all night playing (World of world craft) or something similar.
All I want is to have something going on in my life but I won't even get that.
I am a father who work at home because I run a small business, courier agency, which its office is in my house. And sometime I got income from internet too, although still very small. But it's because I am not serious in make money from internet. I am sure, if I was serious, I could have enough income from internet.
I am sure about it because has been proven that there are people who can gain enough, or even big income from internet. One of them is Habibie Afsyah from Indonesia, the author of "Kelemahanku Adalah Kekuatanku" (My weakness is my strength), a book that motivate people to not give up to their fate.
Habibie Afsyah and his mother, Endang Setyati
Born on January 6, 1988 , Habibie Afsyah is a sufferer of "Type Becker Muscular Dytrophy" , a kind of spontaneous mutations in a gene on chromosome systropin XP 21 . This disease is slowly making the muscles become progressively weaker and become physically helpless . Yes , Habibie cannot walk and is too weak for physical activity .
He ever went to school until high school , but did not go to college because he felt inferior. He ever moved to other schools several times because of being ridiculed by the other students . After graduating high school activities was only play games on the computer. It lasted for two years .
One day his mother enrolled Habibie to an internet marketing course as seen Habibie interest on the internet. And then his brother taught photoshop that Habibie has better ability in the world of computers. And Habibie began to pursue a career as an Internet marketer .
Started with selling a PS3 through Amazon, now Habibie has become a Master of Internet Marketing in Indonesia, and also a speaker at internet marketing seminars .
Yes , Habibie Afsyah is a young man who is trying to stay alive for the happiness of the people who love him , especially his mother, who has written a book "Surga Buat Habibie" (Heaven For Habibie), a book about her experience in raising Habibie
Young bro, I am sure your condition is far better than Habibie. So, why do you give up?. Why don't you try to do something for those who love you and make them happy?. You can make your interest to computer become something productive. Maybe build a business in internet can be your way out.
If you want to talk with Habibie Afsyah, you can contact him through twitter
You want to commit suicide only because you can't find a job? You've come a long way and been blessed so much by Allah. I take that your surgery was successful and you can walk alright, even if you can't play sports? That's remarkable and shows how much Allah has blessed you. You should be thankful and look at the positive things. As for work, many people - even highly qualified ones & educated ones- can't find work. It's not the end of the world at all! If you have food on your plate and a place to live then you shouldn't worry too much about not having a career. If you can't do sports, you can still volunteer. And volunteer work is looked at highly by recruiters so not only will it give you experience and fill your time (as well as making you feel good) but will also give you something to place on your resume!
You can also try to start your own business selling services online, like making programs etc. Just get a website (or even a free one from websites like freewebs.com, wordpress, etc), set up an online portfolio of the things you can do, and start marketing your business. You can place this work on your resume too and talk about it in job interviews. You don't need a formal job. Employers need to know whether an employee is capable and reliable and through these things you can show them that. So take the above steps and in your next interview, you'll have a lot to show the employer that you are the right candidate for the job.
Good luck and trust Allah. You've been blessed a lot. Be thankful and think positive.
I'm tired of my life and it feels like I never really got a chance to live. I've always been optimistic, I've always believed that life will get better with patience, but now I cannot take it anymore.
Remember the words of the Messenger(sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) : “How wonderful is the affair of the believer, for his affairs are all good, and this applies to no one but the believer. If something good happens to him, he is thankful for it and that is good for him. If something bad happens to him, he bears it with patience and that is good for him.” (Narrated by Muslim, 2999).
And you have been sick and suffering, sure it is not easy. But again, know in your mind and believe in your heart that it is indeed better for you. For, if you bear patiently, it will be a means of expiation for your sins and a source of great reward. The Prophet (sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) said: 'There is nothing that befalls a believer, not even a thorn that pricks him, but Allah will record one good deed for him and will remove one bad deed from him.' (Muslim)
Bro,you seems like a computer nuts and why not,you should be.Try your luck on these websites,all of them are legit paying websites.
elance.com
freelancer.com
odesk.com
Start accepting small projects and later people will offer you what pleases you.There a huge ground on which you can play as a programmer and graphic designer.(develop a website and add it to your resume,the more variety you have,the more chances you will get to work in real life)
Mark my words bro,Suicide is not the END.Believers lives are like sun,they never sets,only changes its direction.After suicide which is a sin,you will be transfer to another world and that world will be Eternal,no chance of coming back nor of repentance.
So trust Allah....for, there is much reward in trusting Him.....it is Jannah (Paradise). And there is sin in distrusting Him. Calamities and disasters are a test, and they are a sign of Allaah's love for a person. They are like medicine: even though it is bitter, yet, in spite of its bitterness you still give it to the one whom you love....
May Allah ease your affairs and relieve your pain,Aameen
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