Asalamu 'Alaykum everyone,
I'm in need of some advice if anyone is interested. My story is like this... I live in Australia and Alhumdulillah i'm a well practicing muslim as of just recently. I went to India recently and I hadn't met my relatives in 8 years so everyone was pretty much new faces to me. Well I met a cousin of mine who is 19 yrs old and I'm currently 18. We used to talk and get to know each other (mind you, we always talked with others in the room, never alone).
Slowly I started having more and more interest in her, I wouldn't go as far as "love" yet but we had similar interests in everything & enjoyed being with each other. After a month I told her that I think shes a perfect girl and she thinks the same about me. Now the problem starts here, we decided that we wouldn't go about creating some kind of relationship which is haram in islam and I'm well aware love comes after marriage, so we thought of marriage. Honestly, I admit I've met quite a few girls in Australia without any bad intentions (just good friends) but she stands out to me, I've never met anyone like her. Shes pious, kind hearted and we have the same interests in everything, basically the perfect person from my dreams.
Now here is the problem, her parents are very religious and from Saudi Arabia. They have very conservative mentality when it comes to marriage. Also the fact that we are both cousins and she is 1 year older than me has just doubled the stress. They also think because I'm from Australia that I am not pious but they know I'm very kind hearted (which is a bonus point).
I don't know whether to speak to my parents and ask them to propose to her parents or should I directly arrange a nice meeting with her father at some posh restaurant. Before going further with any of these plans I intend to do Istikhaara prayer and if I receive a positive answer from Allah (swt) then I will go ahead.
After reading this many of you will point out the risks of cousin marriage which I am well aware of, I intend to leave everything upto Allah (swt) when it comes to my future children whom I will not discriminate despite any type of disease. Furthermore, people will also note out that my feeling for her is simply infatuation, I've been around more beautiful looking girls than her all my life, I have seen my friends fall into infatuation and believe me I will know if it happens to me... (which is not the case here). I don't know what love is and have never experienced it, but nothing should be wrong about marrying the person of your choice if I'm correct.
So I need your help brothers and sisters, in my situation what would you do? I really want to marry her so is there any way to convince her parents? I'm pretty sure I can convince my parents its hers I'm worried about.
Thank you for reading through all that and please think of a solution for me. I will be forever grateful to you all and this wonderful forum.
Allah Hafiz
May Allah chose what is best for you.
I think the best thing to do is that you talk to your parent first and ask them what they expect her father to say if you propose. They might know more about her family than you (which I am pretty sure of), you just met them after 8 years so you don't know much about them, their traditions and customs.
I don't advise you to act on yourself. Its better to approach your parent first on such issues especially with conservative people like her family.
Salaam Bro
you are only 18 . In my country , boys can't get married till 21.
Are u sure it's not any kind of temporay emotional situation for u ? Also do u earn enough to get married ? Are u matured enough to take the responbility of marriage ?
Offer Istekhara salat and then take a decision .
PS. Marrying older cousin is allowed in Islam . So , we must not spend much time with opposite sex like this with whom marriage is legal , even in front of others .
Last edited by Muslim Woman; 08-19-2010 at 11:04 PM.
Aslaamu`Alaaykum Brother
I agree with sister Danah, you should discuss this with your parents. And i agree with you marrying the person of your choice as theres nothing wrong with that. You can get your parents to arrange a meeting with her parents and discuss about you too. InshaAllaah all goes well
Also as sis Muslim Woman mentioned are you prepared to provide for her?
Make Ishtikaara Salaah as you mentioned. I hope i helped a lil bit,and i hope you recieve more advice from more knowledgeable Brothers and sisters.
I shall keep you in my Duaas.
Wa`Alaaykum Salaam
Last edited by Ğħαrєєвαħ; 08-19-2010 at 11:24 PM.
Wa alaykum salam,
I think you should approach them via your parents. You mention her parents are sort of strict. It may be that they would prefer something more traditional and could find you asking alone offensive.I don't know whether to speak to my parents and ask them to propose to her parents or should I directly arrange a nice meeting with her father at some posh restaurant
You say your parents are from Saudi Arabia and your cousin is in Pakistan. To the best of my knowledge it is not uncommon or looked down upon to marry one's cousin in both these countries, so I don;t think you'll get any opposition because she's your cousin.
said, “Anyone who conceals (the defects of) a Muslim, Allah will conceal them (their defects) in this world and in the Hereafter.”
if you want to make an impression i would get your father involved rather than meet her dad without him
Thank you sister for replying, actually I don't intend on marrying just yet, you are correct, I am not mature enough to take the responsibility of marriage as of yet. As to your question regarding some kind of temporary emotional situation, no it isn't, I believe what your describing is the relationship between girlfriend and boyfriend. We've never considered each other in that type of relationship, she just finds me to be a good person as do I, although I do admit there is a slight affection in physical appearance from both sides (which we might be sinned forformat_quote Originally Posted by Muslim Woman
I hope not). About money, Alhumdulillah I'm currently working in my father's business, as I finish my university I will be given a good placement in his company thus Insha Allah solving my financial issue.
I know that marriage for men should be after 21 years old, I was wondering whether an engagement is allowed at our age in Islam. Thanks to everyone for the support, as of now everyone except you people have told me to forget her and give up lol. Thank you all for your wonderful support, you've made my day
Who told you that hype...dont listen to them! talk to your father and go for itformat_quote Originally Posted by Danish123
you're too young is a ridiculous thing to say.. marry young that's what the prophet said
You can not set a number for the age which a person is ready for marriage. That is determined by maturity, ability to afford and ability to take on responsibility. Some men are able to handle marriage at 18 or even younger some will never be ready.
However, you do have to look at country laws. We do have to abide by the laws of the land we live in.
I feel 18 is usually a good age to begin looking for a wife and start with plans for marriage as even if you have already found somebody it can take several years to get every thing in place for the signing of the Nikkah.
Salaam bro
format_quote Originally Posted by Danish123
In Islam , it's allowed to get married when u are 18 . But if u break the country's law , u have to face punishment in this world. . So , if marriage takes place in India , to my knowledge , men should be 20 ( pl. check the info with any Indian ).
U must not have any kind of engagement *give her a ring and think that she is ur wife and spend time together - that's not allowed.
Offer Istekhara and then talk to parents. Islamically u can have ' nikah/ Akth now at res but cant' registry it with Govt. office to avoid legal harrasment.
Do u 2 live at the same house now ? If possible , move to another place and think more about it . Exactly when u want to get married ?
Last edited by Muslim Woman; 08-20-2010 at 05:18 PM.
Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, jazakallau khayran for sharing your issue with us. Firstly my brother don't listen to people who say that one who marries their cousin will have deformed children. People come out with all kinds of rubbish and this is due to a complete lack of knowledge. There may only be adverse effects if generation after generation constantly marry their first cousin which is not the case with your situation. If they say anything about marrying cousins then give them the example of the marriage of Hazrat Ali and Fatima (RA) who were both cousins.format_quote Originally Posted by Danish123Asalamu 'Alaykum everyone,
I'm in need of some advice if anyone is interested. My story is like this... I live in Australia and Alhumdulillah i'm a well practicing muslim as of just recently. I went to India recently and I hadn't met my relatives in 8 years so everyone was pretty much new faces to me. Well I met a cousin of mine who is 19 yrs old and I'm currently 18. We used to talk and get to know each other (mind you, we always talked with others in the room, never alone).
Slowly I started having more and more interest in her, I wouldn't go as far as "love" yet but we had similar interests in everything & enjoyed being with each other. After a month I told her that I think shes a perfect girl and she thinks the same about me. Now the problem starts here, we decided that we wouldn't go about creating some kind of relationship which is haram in islam and I'm well aware love comes after marriage, so we thought of marriage. Honestly, I admit I've met quite a few girls in Australia without any bad intentions (just good friends) but she stands out to me, I've never met anyone like her. Shes pious, kind hearted and we have the same interests in everything, basically the perfect person from my dreams.
Now here is the problem, her parents are very religious and from Saudi Arabia. They have very conservative mentality when it comes to marriage. Also the fact that we are both cousins and she is 1 year older than me has just doubled the stress. They also think because I'm from Australia that I am not pious but they know I'm very kind hearted (which is a bonus point
I don't know whether to speak to my parents and ask them to propose to her parents or should I directly arrange a nice meeting with her father at some posh restaurant
After reading this many of you will point out the risks of cousin marriage which I am well aware of, I intend to leave everything upto Allah (swt) when it comes to my future children whom I will not discriminate despite any type of disease. Furthermore, people will also note out that my feeling for her is simply infatuation, I've been around more beautiful looking girls than her all my life, I have seen my friends fall into infatuation and believe me I will know if it happens to me... (which is not the case here). I don't know what love is and have never experienced it, but nothing should be wrong about marrying the person of your choice if I'm correct.
So I need your help brothers and sisters, in my situation what would you do? I really want to marry her so is there any way to convince her parents? I'm pretty sure I can convince my parents its hers I'm worried about.
Thank you for reading through all that and please think of a solution for me. I will be forever grateful to you all and this wonderful forum.
Allah Hafiz
Also my brother if you want the help of Allah then you should stop all interactions with her as it is not appropriate for you or anyone to be speaking with a non mahram whether its by phone, in person, by internet and even by text. Secondly do isthikhara sincerely to Allah asking of him whether this is the right decision or not. Do this a few times and tell her to do the same and see what your inclinations are.
If both of your isthikhara's are positive then you must tell your parents and make them understand. Once you have brought them around the idea then they should contact her parents and discuss the matter with them. This is the best way of going about it. It is best to discuss this in person as in your family in front of their family. If their family agrees then a nikah should be done as soon as possible as there is no such thing as engagement and an engagement does not make it permissable for you two to interact.
My brother you should also know that if it does not go ahead then it is the will of Allah. Allah will do whatever is best for you and if you feel hurt then it is only because of your interactions with her which you should not have done. Ask of Allah to do what is best for you and accept whatever happens after that. It may be that Allah has someone even better in store for you so put your FULL trust and reliance in Allah.
and Allah knows best in all matters
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