Wow, its good to be back...I haven't posted in ages...errrmm, I need help broz and sisz, I found out that this girl I know has been raped :-( and I really WANT TO HELP HER, she cuts herself and doesn't eat properly and isn't doing very well also she is only 12 years of age, and she is a non-muslim and I am very worried about her, astugfuriallah, and the person that committed this awful and atrocious act was done by a muslim, what is this world coming to, sooo scary...I know a little of what to say, if you guys have any advice please post here so I can try my upmost to help her and move on inshallah....pray for her brothers and sisters....jazakhallah, may Allah (swt) reward you for your good intentions, ameen
Re: How do I give advice and help a that's been taked advantage of
asalam alaikum wr wb,
May Allah punish that sick man for what he did. He deserves no mercy! Sister has the man been reported?
If you and the little girl are in the UK, she can ring the NSPCC and talk to someone there.
They will help and advise her. Their lines are open 24 hours a day.
On this site, under the 'under 18' tab, there is a number for 'ChildLine'. It is free and confidential. This is for the UK only, so if you guys are anywhere else, ChildLine or NSPCC should be able to give you contact details for your country.
Also do you know her parents? And is the girl receiving counselling?
Please give more details sister. May Allah reward you for helping this poor little girl. Ameen.
Re: How do I give advice and help a that's been taked advantage of
Astagfirullah may Allah punish that evil man Ameen
“The believers in their mutual kindness, compassion and sympathy are just like one body. When one of the limbs is afflicted, the whole body responds to it with sleeplessness and fever”.
Re: How do I give advice and help a that's been taked advantage of
Jazakhallah sis Souljette, Rose_Petal, Muslimah_sis and Brok3n, I appreciate the replies, we both live in the UK, the little girl is a sister of a work collegue, when I was first told about her I was devasted and just sooo angry at the person that commited this vile act, he has been reported and in jail....I want to concentrate on the girl, she is not doing so well, if she was a muslim then I would know what to say but because she is a non-muslim I do have an idea of what to say, I hope it is enough to raise her spirits and help her to move through this difficult period, she is just a child brothers and sisters :-(, if you guys have any advice then I will inshallah pass it on and help her as best I can...jazakhallah for reading my thread, may Allah (swt) reward you for your good intentions, ameen
Re: How do I give advice and help a that's been taked advantage of
Greetings and peace be with you Pure Imaan; I am so sorry to hear about this young girl.
The man who raped this girl still controls her even though he is in jail. The reason I say this is because every night she goes to bed her thoughts will turn to the rape. She will feel anger at being violated and she will feel guilty for allowing it to happen; even though she was forced against her will. It is her own feeling of guilt that will lead her to self harm.
Because she has such anger against the rapist she will think about him constantly today; in five years, and fifty years from now, he will still control her mind. He was in control at the time of the rape; but does she want this lowlife to control her mind for the rest of her life.
If she can; the first step might be to use her anger in a positive way. She can learn to be angry with herself for being so weak; and allowing the rapist to control her mind after the event. She cannot change the past, but she can influence the present, she is the only one who should be in control of her own mind.
She needs friends possibly more than she needs counsellors, people who will listen to her without judging.
In the spirit of praying for an inner peace that surpasses all understanding.
Re: How do I give advice and help a that's been taked advantage of
asalam alaikum wr wb,
Alhumdulillah, the man is behind bars - for a very long time I hope! Sister, please tell your colleague to seek counselling for her sister. It is vital the young girl get's professional help. It can be very unhealthy and dangerous for her to continue feeling as she does. Counsellors can help her to cope with this awful experience so that she stops self-harming and and help her realise that she wasn't to blame and there was nothing she could've done to prevent what happened. I truly fear for her safety.
I also think it'd be good if she rang ChildLine and spoke to someone. It will help by letting her release the pressure of emotions building up inside her. Sometimes, it's also easier talking to a stranger, especially over the phone where you can remain completely anonymous. Please help her seek this service on the links I've given in my earlier post.
If you can, meet her in person and let her know you are there if she needs to talk. May Allah help her get over this terrible experience inshaAllah. Ameen.
Re: How do I give advice and help a that's been taked advantage of
Jazakhallah for the adivce sis, it was very helpful and I very much agree, the little girl lives very close to me so I will inshallah go to her house and HOPEFULLY she'l open to me, hopefully she'l talk and express her feelings, I pray she gets better and stops believing that it was her fault :-(, may Allah (swt) help her through this upsetting and diffucult ordeal....jazakhallah once again...if anyone wants to post what they feel or ANY ADVICE I will truly appreciate it....may Allah (swt) reward you for your good intetions, ameen
Re: How do I give advice and help a that's been taked advantage of
asalam alaikum wr wb,
Wa iyyakum sis! It's so kind of you to care so much mashaAllah. I hope your efforts pay off Allah willing. The weather is nice, so perhaps you could ask her if she'd like to come to the park and talk to her there. Sunshine always takes the edge of depression and negative feelings. And hopefully the peaceful atmosphere will help her to feel relaxed and open up to you.
Re: How do I give advice and help a that's been taked advantage of
format_quote Originally Posted by Pure Imaan
Assalamualailkum brothers and sisters
Wow, its good to be back...I haven't posted in ages...errrmm, I need help broz and sisz, I found out that this girl I know has been raped :-( and I really WANT TO HELP HER, she cuts herself and doesn't eat properly and isn't doing very well also she is only 12 years of age, and she is a non-muslim and I am very worried about her, astugfuriallah, and the person that committed this awful and atrocious act was done by a muslim, what is this world coming to, sooo scary...I know a little of what to say, if you guys have any advice please post here so I can try my upmost to help her and move on inshallah....pray for her brothers and sisters....jazakhallah, may Allah (swt) reward you for your good intentions, ameen
Selam aleykum
Difficult question, there is no "one-line" advice to give here. At best we could give you some advice as to what the best approach would be. Some things that come to mind:
1. Making it clear that she isn't to blame.
It's not her fault, tell her that over and over. Cutting oneself can sometimes be a sign of subconscious self-hate or guilt. I allowed it, I didn't say no enough, I provoked it, and so on. The hard part is she'll probably admit that indeed it's not her fault, but nevertheless still think that subconsciously. So the trick is to help her realize that her subconsciousness is wrong, which is easier said then done. If you confront the person directly with this, it might bring denial, and even distrust.
2. Temporally solution
Learning to cope/deal with a trauma is a long difficult road. Some people spend their whole lives trying to do just that. So rather then just focusing on the cause of self injury, it would be nice to also help the person find another way to deal with emotions. See cutting oneself can often be a result of not knowing how to deal with emotions. The pain of the cut draws away attention from the problem at hand. So help learning how to deal with emotions.
3. Listening
Often just talking about problems is already a huge step forward. People who want to help don't always know how. don't worry yourself with questions like. what do I have to reply on this, or what should I say there. Simply listening is already a big help, you don't necessarily have to add your opinion afterwards.
4. Get help.
If you feel that thing are becoming problematic, that the person needs professional help. Convince her to seek help with people who are better at that then you. Of course that doesn't mean you have to betray her trust and go tell what you know behind her back. Nowadays there are many options. Seeking help doesn't have to be a teacher or parent. There are many options, from self-help books, internet forums, support phone lines, and so on...
5. Not allowing victimization.
A victim can be victim on many levels. Not only directly when abused; but in a sense she is still a victim because her actions and feelings are still determined by his actions. Help her understand she has the power to stop this, show her that she should stop allowing her abuser to determine her future.
6. As for the perpetrator being a Muslim, I wouldn't focus to much on that. It's probable that she has some aversion towards Muslim, just as some rape victims have aversions towards men. It's an understandable reaction and it's not wise to try and change from the start on. I think most people as they deal with their trauma and learn to cope with it will automatically start to see that this generalization is wrong. So unless this generalization becomes problematic, I wouldn't put to much focus on it.
I hope any of this helps, but like I said there is no uniform solution. Each person is unique and each trauma is specific.
Re: How do I give advice and help a that's been taked advantage of
Helping Victims of Sexual Assault
After a rape, survivors may be openly upset, even hysterical, or they may be numb and seemingly calm. You can help victims by meeting immediate needs:
Obtaining medical assistance
Feeling safe. Rape is a traumatic violation of a person. Especially in the beginning, it is often difficult for victims to be alone.
Being believed. With date rape especially, victims need to be believed that what occurred was, in fact, a rape.
Knowing it was not their fault. Most rape victims feel guilty and feel that the attack was somehow their fault.
Taking control of their life. When a person is raped, they may feel completely out of control of what is happening to them. A significant step on the road to recovery is to regain a sense of control in little, as well as big things.
You can help by:
Listening, not judging. It is not your place to play prosecutor and make a victim prove their story. Accept their version of the facts and be supportive.
Offering shelter. If it is at all possible, stay with them at their place or let them at least spend one night at your place. This is not the time for them to be alone.
Being available. Victims may need to talk at strange hours, or could use your help to run errands or screen calls.
Giving comfort.
Letting them know that they are not to blame.
Being patient and understanding.
Encouraging action. For example, suggest they call a hotline, go to a hospital or health center, and/or call the police. Respect their decision if they decide not to file charges.
Not being overly protective. Encourage them to make their own decisions. A victim needs to feel in control of their life and this will not be possible if you do everything for them.
Accept their choice of solution to the rape - even if you disagree with what they are doing. It is more important that a victim make decisions and have them respected than it is for you to impose what you think is the "right" decision.
Put aside your feelings, and deal with them somewhere else. Although it is supportive for a rape survivor to know that others are equally upset with what happened, it does them no good if on top of their own feelings, they also have to deal with your feelings of rage and anger.
It is crucial that those around them educate themselves to recognize the symptoms and help them get treatment. The links below will help you begin to understand and help your loved ones.
http://www.gmu.edu/facstaff/sexual/effects_of_assault.html#common
What can you expect after a person has been raped?
In most cases these symptoms prevent rape victims from functioning at full capacity and helping themselves. It’s important at this time for others to give their support and help protect them.
http://www.hopeforhealing.org/friend.html
How to help rape victims and the stages of trauma.
This site was recommended by the founder of hope for healing (on a message board) with the advice that you can also order a paper copy.
Re: How do I give advice and help a that's been taked advantage of
Greetings and peace be with you Pure Imaan;
Have you managed to talk to this young lady yet?
There has been some very good advice on listening, not blaming and not to feel guilty for being a victim. If she lives in the UK and her case has been through the courts then I am sure she will have been offered counselling. But going to counselling and responding to it, is not so easy for a twelve year old.
Does your work colleague volunteer much information about his sister, has he talked about her going to counselling?
I will pray for you, her healing and inner peace are in the hands of God
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