Marriage on the Rocks - Need Advise

[nuryanna75]

Assalamualaikum everyone.

My husband and I have been married for 3 years but separated 2 months ago. My husband has given me the talaq so technically we are no longer married and we are now left with 1 month to reconcile.

My husband told me that he no longer loves me and is now seing someone else. He refuse to go for marriage counseling and he refuse to listen to anyone including his parents. I am currently at his mercy, begging for him to forgive me and asking for us to talk and discuss what we can do to fix the marriage.

To share some history... I am a convert. I was of a different race from my husband, grew up with a strong Christian background and brought up in totally different culture. After a lot of struggle and refusal in the beginning, Alhamdulillah, I have chosen to convert to Islam and got married with him.

First two years was fine - typical to newly weds. We have petty fights but we are able to get over it. It has been difficult being a convert but I have tried my best to follow and practice what a Muslim woman should be doing.

My husband and I are both working. I am quite an independent woman so although it is supposed to be his primary duty to provide, I did not demand anything from him.

We are living with his parents. House payment is shared between my husband and his father; the transport is being shared between me and my husband.

My husband is spend-thrift; spending his money on his own free will. Very often he will buy unnecessary things without consulting me, he hides his credit cards bills and gets angry if I ask him about his expenditure. He has accumulated some debts which his father is helping him pay and I also have fair share on helping him pay some of his debts.

Problem started when the global economic downturn striked. My husband lost his job and is unable to find any job of the same pay and work scope. The house now becomes sole responsibility of his father and the transport payment is being shared between his father and me.

I sometimes suggest that he consider doing something else for the time being - just to meet our needs and monthly dues. He gets angry if I do that. He feels that I do not trust him every time I give suggestions. I would often times keep quiet but he has been out of job for 6 months.

He has not changed his spending habits, continuously using his credit cards to purchase anything he likes and still refuses to take any job (does not meet his standard) that comes his way.

Being married, it is shameful for my culture to be totally dependent from our parents without any genuine effort that we are aware of our responsibility. For my husband, it seems okay to be asking his father for help.

When my husband found a contract job for 3 months, things were okay for awhile. But after the contract ended - he was back to his oldself again. He is so taking his time in looking for a new job, does not want to take any job that comes his way, depend on his father and me for paying the dues and spends unnecessary things.

During these period, I felt so neglected. He never reply me if I tell him I love him. He hates it when I cuddle with him or when I tickle him. When he wants us to make love, he will not even touch me to make me feel comfortable. So I lost interest in that area. We stopped enjoying each other.

Often times I ask him (kindly) about the progress of him finding a job, but he will shout, or talk to me in a very rude way. He will say he has his own way of doing things and he says I am nagging. There was one night that I got really frustrated, I asked him to give me a reason why I should not leave him.

We stopped talking after that night. Two weeks later, I found out that he is exchanging intimate messages with another woman. I got really angry and left the house to stay with my girl friend for three days.

He did not even bother to call, nor look for me, or explain... nothing. When I came back home, he asked me to move out. He said he wants to be alone for awhile. He said all his love for me is gone and he started blaming me for so many things.

He said he has been unhappy with me for a long time, that I have been very stubborn, that I do not listen to him, that I put him down and criticise him, that in Islam - I should not question the husband and follow whatever he says, that I refuse to learn the Arabic language, etc etc.

I totally moved out and decided to give him space. A week later, he met with me and shockingly, he said he thought it over and he pronounced the Talaq to me. He said, there is nothing that we could do about us and he cannot live with somebody like me.

I realised that he had a lot of resentment towards me and he never said a single thing about it all along. He said I have been very insensitive. He has been very patient with me and he does not want any confrontation so he decided to keep quite. But it does not help us if he does it that way. Because I am not aware what are the things that I could be doing wrong - then we could have discussed about it and I could have done something about it.

We both realised that there is something wrong with our communication. I begged him to give us a chance and we talk about it and seek marriage counseling. He refuse. All he can think of is that I am all the person to blame and there is nothing I can do to change his mind.

I am so devastated. I literally saw my whole world crashing. I admit my mistakes but he has his own share of mistakes as well. Why am I the only one who gets blamed here?

How could he just throw away our marriage like this? If he feels that he has been patient with me, what about all the sacrifices I have done? But we are not supposed to be counting anything that we do for someone we love, aren't we?

Two weeks ago we talked. I asked him to consider giving us a chance. Not only for our sake, but for Allah's sake. Who said marriage is easy anyway. And besides, there are so many couples who have even bigger problems than us but they are able to surpass it. We ended our conversation by him saying that he will think it over...

Now, I have found out that he is officially seeing that woman he exchanged the messages with. How could he be thinking about giving us a chance when he is now busy with this new relationship!

I have spoken to some Sisters in Islam and I was told that I should let go and he is not worth it. That whatever he did (running away from the problem) is so childish and immature.

But it has been so difficult to do that. I am so affected with the guilt that he imposed on me that everything is my fault. What if he is just so confused? Mid-life crisis or something? Or is he just doing that to find an excuse on the silly things that he has been doing?

As said above, we are left with one month to reconcile. The most I can I do for now is to pray to Allah to lessen the pain I am having and to guide my husband. I am still hoping that he will come back to me as a changed man.

However, I do not know if I should still go on fighting for us or just simply let go. One day I cry hard and will have a very strong urge to call him and talk to him about us. Another day, I feel very angry for what he has done. I am so confused as well.

For those who are knowledgeable of the responsibilities of a good Muslim Husband and Wife, are my mistakes really unforgivable?

Thank you for having patience reading my story. Appreciate any advise. Salam.

[Ummu Sufyaan]

you need to see a shiekh.


my advice is based on if your divorce is final:
i know it isnt my place to say this, but he isnt worth it. if he has divorced you and doesn't want you after your post-divorce, then personally i advice you to move on and seek a better relationship (marriage) with another man.

i mean if he really cared about your marriage, then he would be putting the effort in, so why are you the only one putting the effort in? isnt it his responsibility as well? why are you chasing someone who clearly doesn't care about you? why isnt he resentful for his mistakes or does he think he is free of them? you have to ask questions like this before considering getting back with/marrying a person of this type because you will fall in teh same hole again.

unless he really and truly has changed, i wouldn't advice to take him back, as he may cheat on you again and be neglectful of his responsibility. if he genuinely does not realize his mistakes and/or changes, then im afraid there is nothing stopping him from going back to his old ways.


above all, go see a shiekh.

[جوري]

If you don't have any children by this guy, then be thankful, and run don't walk away from this misery... I know it is painful, we all learn to live with very painful things, but our complacence and patience is for the day when Allah swt opens for us a window and let's in what is better.. here came to you a golden chariot, hop on it an get away from this guy.. he is horrible beyond description ..

You must have faith that Allah swt will do what is best for you, so what you perceive as devastating is just an opportunity for you to see this guy for what he is..

make Salat istikhara and go on with your life, if there is reformation in this guy it will come from his end. .. the ball is pretty much in his park at this stage, there is really nothing left for you to do..

and Allah swt knows best

[muslimah_81]

Sister

Really sad to hear your story.
Dont blame yourself. Some Men have a habit of trying to justify things to themselves as pride and ego doesnt let them accept that they can be wrong. And he probably believes the twisted story he has made up in his mind where he is the victim and you the oppressor!
Dont let him confuse you.
The fact that he is leading you on, making you believe that there may still be a chance and then on the other hand having a relationship with another woman says a lot about his character already.
I think you should pray istikhara and trust Allah and Allah will do what ever is best for you inshaAllah.
I hope it all works out for the best for you inshaAllah and I will remember you in my duas. May Allah make it easy for you.

[Muslim Woman]

Assalamualaikum everyone.

.. are my mistakes really unforgivable?

.

Sis , it does not matter if ur mistakes are unforgivable or not . The matter is u can't force ur husband to love you .

If he does not love u , if he cheated on u , you must be happy that ur relationship is almost over now . May be it's good that u don't have any kid.

May Allah grant what is good for your hereafter , Ameen.

[S_87]

from what i read the problem isnt you its him. he seems childish and immature and hes left you for another woman? even though financially he is dependant on you and his father?
im guessing that wont last long and he'll be crawling back soon but sister, is he worth it? wouldnt you prefer otherwise? at the end of the day it is your choice because when the heart is attached nothing is black and white.
but just think about what he has done and if you want to be with him.

may Allah make it easy for you and ease your affairs

[Mutanaadhira]

Don't blame yourself, sis. If I read your story, the only one I can blame is your ex-husband. First of all, he can't blame you for his unemployment. I hear a lot of stories where the husband blames his wife for not having a job. Such a bullcrap, and I'm advicing every woman whose husband does so to not tolerate it!
Anyway, it's almost like your husband isn't ready for marriage. He is exchanging intimate messages with another woman while he's married to you? Personally, that would be thé reason for me to divorce my husband if my husband does so. And he continues his contact with this woman while he's considering giving your marriage another chance?
No doubt, your husband is mistreating you so much, and you're really the last person who deserves this! I think your husband isn't worth the tears, effort and pain you've been through. Just let him go, you deserve much better. I know it's easier said than done, but if you really try and just think about how he mistreated you.. I now you'll be able to forget him. You deserve someone who treats you with respect and someone who loves you very much. A man who's seeing another woman (or exchanging intimate messages with another woman), blames you for everything and doesn't even admit his own faults isn't the man that treats his wife with respect and love.
Get over him, I know you can live without him, and insha'Allah you'll find a husband that treats you the way you deserve to be treaten - like a princess.

Wassalaam.

[Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн]

Sis I have to say that the way you describe him and your situation, he is NOT worth the wait. He does not seem responsible and twisting his thoughts with Islam. Half the things he seems to have been doing with you is wrong. I would not waste my breathe on him...as far as I can see the problem is with him and not you...

Take this as an initative to keep away from him. He puts all teh blame on you, meanwhile while he was with you, he's been cheating on you...even before the divorce...so that tells a lot of the kind of person he is...

I understand it'll be tough sis, but it will be only for a little while...whereas living with him and waiting for him to acknowledge you will be a hassle and painful. You're being emotionally blackmailed by him and that is totally immature! Don't beg him sis...he only seems to make yo ufeel worse afterwards.

The decision is ultimately up to you, but as far as I can see, he doesn't want anything to do with you. I pray that Allah(swt) eases your affairs...ameen

[cat eyes]

what i would strongly recommend in your situation is pray istikharah because this is a very sticky and confusing situation that only Allah can answer and you seem highly frustrated nobody can read a persons mind what they are thinking and what they want and you will just make yourself sick my dear. he probably believes chatting with this other woman is not such a big thing.. you said that you think he is going through a mid life crises well this spending of money and using credit cards and getting loans of cash theres something not right there sis he seems like a person that dose not know what he is doing and don't know what he wants as somebody else said in this thread he will probably come running back and he is doing a big mistake but he dose not realise it right now and dose not really care but i think this other woman might only want fun because what woman would want a man thats in debt? i don't know of any all the best inshaAllah. oh yeah and speak with a scholar

[AlbanianMuslim]

All i can say is that it does not appear it was your fault. This is the difficult part, later on you will realize you are better off.

[Hamza Asadullah]

Assalamualaikum everyone.

My husband and I have been married for 3 years but separated 2 months ago. My husband has given me the talaq so technically we are no longer married and we are now left with 1 month to reconcile.

My husband told me that he no longer loves me and is now seing someone else. He refuse to go for marriage counseling and he refuse to listen to anyone including his parents. I am currently at his mercy, begging for him to forgive me and asking for us to talk and discuss what we can do to fix the marriage.

To share some history... I am a convert. I was of a different race from my husband, grew up with a strong Christian background and brought up in totally different culture. After a lot of struggle and refusal in the beginning, Alhamdulillah, I have chosen to convert to Islam and got married with him.

First two years was fine - typical to newly weds. We have petty fights but we are able to get over it. It has been difficult being a convert but I have tried my best to follow and practice what a Muslim woman should be doing.

My husband and I are both working. I am quite an independent woman so although it is supposed to be his primary duty to provide, I did not demand anything from him.

We are living with his parents. House payment is shared between my husband and his father; the transport is being shared between me and my husband.

My husband is spend-thrift; spending his money on his own free will. Very often he will buy unnecessary things without consulting me, he hides his credit cards bills and gets angry if I ask him about his expenditure. He has accumulated some debts which his father is helping him pay and I also have fair share on helping him pay some of his debts.

Problem started when the global economic downturn striked. My husband lost his job and is unable to find any job of the same pay and work scope. The house now becomes sole responsibility of his father and the transport payment is being shared between his father and me.

I sometimes suggest that he consider doing something else for the time being - just to meet our needs and monthly dues. He gets angry if I do that. He feels that I do not trust him every time I give suggestions. I would often times keep quiet but he has been out of job for 6 months.

He has not changed his spending habits, continuously using his credit cards to purchase anything he likes and still refuses to take any job (does not meet his standard) that comes his way.

Being married, it is shameful for my culture to be totally dependent from our parents without any genuine effort that we are aware of our responsibility. For my husband, it seems okay to be asking his father for help.

When my husband found a contract job for 3 months, things were okay for awhile. But after the contract ended - he was back to his oldself again. He is so taking his time in looking for a new job, does not want to take any job that comes his way, depend on his father and me for paying the dues and spends unnecessary things.

During these period, I felt so neglected. He never reply me if I tell him I love him. He hates it when I cuddle with him or when I tickle him. When he wants us to make love, he will not even touch me to make me feel comfortable. So I lost interest in that area. We stopped enjoying each other.

Often times I ask him (kindly) about the progress of him finding a job, but he will shout, or talk to me in a very rude way. He will say he has his own way of doing things and he says I am nagging. There was one night that I got really frustrated, I asked him to give me a reason why I should not leave him.

We stopped talking after that night. Two weeks later, I found out that he is exchanging intimate messages with another woman. I got really angry and left the house to stay with my girl friend for three days.

He did not even bother to call, nor look for me, or explain... nothing. When I came back home, he asked me to move out. He said he wants to be alone for awhile. He said all his love for me is gone and he started blaming me for so many things.

He said he has been unhappy with me for a long time, that I have been very stubborn, that I do not listen to him, that I put him down and criticise him, that in Islam - I should not question the husband and follow whatever he says, that I refuse to learn the Arabic language, etc etc.

I totally moved out and decided to give him space. A week later, he met with me and shockingly, he said he thought it over and he pronounced the Talaq to me. He said, there is nothing that we could do about us and he cannot live with somebody like me.

I realised that he had a lot of resentment towards me and he never said a single thing about it all along. He said I have been very insensitive. He has been very patient with me and he does not want any confrontation so he decided to keep quite. But it does not help us if he does it that way. Because I am not aware what are the things that I could be doing wrong - then we could have discussed about it and I could have done something about it.

We both realised that there is something wrong with our communication. I begged him to give us a chance and we talk about it and seek marriage counseling. He refuse. All he can think of is that I am all the person to blame and there is nothing I can do to change his mind.

I am so devastated. I literally saw my whole world crashing. I admit my mistakes but he has his own share of mistakes as well. Why am I the only one who gets blamed here?

How could he just throw away our marriage like this? If he feels that he has been patient with me, what about all the sacrifices I have done? But we are not supposed to be counting anything that we do for someone we love, aren't we?

Two weeks ago we talked. I asked him to consider giving us a chance. Not only for our sake, but for Allah's sake. Who said marriage is easy anyway. And besides, there are so many couples who have even bigger problems than us but they are able to surpass it. We ended our conversation by him saying that he will think it over...

Now, I have found out that he is officially seeing that woman he exchanged the messages with. How could he be thinking about giving us a chance when he is now busy with this new relationship!

I have spoken to some Sisters in Islam and I was told that I should let go and he is not worth it. That whatever he did (running away from the problem) is so childish and immature.

But it has been so difficult to do that. I am so affected with the guilt that he imposed on me that everything is my fault. What if he is just so confused? Mid-life crisis or something? Or is he just doing that to find an excuse on the silly things that he has been doing?

As said above, we are left with one month to reconcile. The most I can I do for now is to pray to Allah to lessen the pain I am having and to guide my husband. I am still hoping that he will come back to me as a changed man.

However, I do not know if I should still go on fighting for us or just simply let go. One day I cry hard and will have a very strong urge to call him and talk to him about us. Another day, I feel very angry for what he has done. I am so confused as well.

For those who are knowledgeable of the responsibilities of a good Muslim Husband and Wife, are my mistakes really unforgivable?

Thank you for having patience reading my story. Appreciate any advise. Salam.

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, my sister when hearing one side of the story it is easy to become bias so i will try to avoid this but what i can say is that at this stage it is wrong for him to be seeing another women and it may be that he was seeing her whilst he was still married to you for an unspecified amount of time. As long as you tried your best my sister to reconcile things then there is nothing more that you can do. We can only try our best and sometimes unfortunatley things are just not meant to be and this maybe for the best.

Divorce is one of the hardest things in the world to get through but you will get through it as long as you put your faith, reliance, hope and trust in Allah. It maybe that if you stayed with him things would have been worse. How would you have felt if you found out he was cheating?

This maybe a blessing in disguise for you and a chance now for you to meet someone who will truly love you and take care of you they way you should be loved and taken care of. A man who will ulfill his financially responsiilities and not make excuses or rely on anyone else. A man who is truly practising and does not use Islam as an ecuse for his actions and a man who will encourage you to go towards Allah in the best way possible. A man who will lead you towards Jannah.

So ask of Allah to do the best thing possible for you in regards to this situation and know that Allah wants the best for you so ask of him continuously especially in the third portion of the night when dua's are more readily accepted.

Sometimes in life we are better off without the person were with and something better will come along. Not everyone succeeds the first time around it maybe that we go through trials like this because Allah wants to see how we come out of it. Bare with patience and go towards Allah and year to becoe even closer to him and remember that dua is the most powerful weapon for the believer so ask of him to do whats best in this situation and trust me Almighty Allah will do whatever is best for you!

I do urge you get hold of a local reliable scholar because of the sensativity of such situation as he will be able to advise you best. If you don't know any then of you tell me what town your from i may be able to try and locate one for you.

[Grofica]

Don't blame yourself, sis. If I read your story, the only one I can blame is your ex-husband. First of all, he can't blame you for his unemployment. I hear a lot of stories where the husband blames his wife for not having a job. Such a bullcrap, and I'm advicing every woman whose husband does so to not tolerate it!
Anyway, it's almost like your husband isn't ready for marriage. He is exchanging intimate messages with another woman while he's married to you? Personally, that would be thé reason for me to divorce my husband if my husband does so. And he continues his contact with this woman while he's considering giving your marriage another chance?
No doubt, your husband is mistreating you so much, and you're really the last person who deserves this! I think your husband isn't worth the tears, effort and pain you've been through. Just let him go, you deserve much better. I know it's easier said than done, but if you really try and just think about how he mistreated you.. I now you'll be able to forget him. You deserve someone who treats you with respect and someone who loves you very much. A man who's seeing another woman (or exchanging intimate messages with another woman), blames you for everything and doesn't even admit his own faults isn't the man that treats his wife with respect and love.
Get over him, I know you can live without him, and insha'Allah you'll find a husband that treats you the way you deserve to be treaten - like a princess.

Wassalaam.

200% agree with this post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Cabdullahi]

This guy is confused about his gender role..instead of providing for the wife as every man should do...he's spending it on himself taking a female role and you have taken on the male role unfortunately because of his atrocious behaviour by providing the means to help him and salvage the marriage.

[touba]

Assalamualaikum everyone.

My husband and I have been married for 3 years but separated 2 months ago. My husband has given me the talaq so technically we are no longer married and we are now left with 1 month to reconcile.

My husband told me that he no longer loves me and is now seing someone else. He refuse to go for marriage counseling and he refuse to listen to anyone including his parents. I am currently at his mercy, begging for him to forgive me and asking for us to talk and discuss what we can do to fix the marriage.

To share some history... I am a convert. I was of a different race from my husband, grew up with a strong Christian background and brought up in totally different culture. After a lot of struggle and refusal in the beginning, Alhamdulillah, I have chosen to convert to Islam and got married with him.

First two years was fine - typical to newly weds. We have petty fights but we are able to get over it. It has been difficult being a convert but I have tried my best to follow and practice what a Muslim woman should be doing.

My husband and I are both working. I am quite an independent woman so although it is supposed to be his primary duty to provide, I did not demand anything from him.

We are living with his parents. House payment is shared between my husband and his father; the transport is being shared between me and my husband.

My husband is spend-thrift; spending his money on his own free will. Very often he will buy unnecessary things without consulting me, he hides his credit cards bills and gets angry if I ask him about his expenditure. He has accumulated some debts which his father is helping him pay and I also have fair share on helping him pay some of his debts.

Problem started when the global economic downturn striked. My husband lost his job and is unable to find any job of the same pay and work scope. The house now becomes sole responsibility of his father and the transport payment is being shared between his father and me.

I sometimes suggest that he consider doing something else for the time being - just to meet our needs and monthly dues. He gets angry if I do that. He feels that I do not trust him every time I give suggestions. I would often times keep quiet but he has been out of job for 6 months.

He has not changed his spending habits, continuously using his credit cards to purchase anything he likes and still refuses to take any job (does not meet his standard) that comes his way.

Being married, it is shameful for my culture to be totally dependent from our parents without any genuine effort that we are aware of our responsibility. For my husband, it seems okay to be asking his father for help.

When my husband found a contract job for 3 months, things were okay for awhile. But after the contract ended - he was back to his oldself again. He is so taking his time in looking for a new job, does not want to take any job that comes his way, depend on his father and me for paying the dues and spends unnecessary things.

During these period, I felt so neglected. He never reply me if I tell him I love him. He hates it when I cuddle with him or when I tickle him. When he wants us to make love, he will not even touch me to make me feel comfortable. So I lost interest in that area. We stopped enjoying each other.

Often times I ask him (kindly) about the progress of him finding a job, but he will shout, or talk to me in a very rude way. He will say he has his own way of doing things and he says I am nagging. There was one night that I got really frustrated, I asked him to give me a reason why I should not leave him.

We stopped talking after that night. Two weeks later, I found out that he is exchanging intimate messages with another woman. I got really angry and left the house to stay with my girl friend for three days.

He did not even bother to call, nor look for me, or explain... nothing. When I came back home, he asked me to move out. He said he wants to be alone for awhile. He said all his love for me is gone and he started blaming me for so many things.

He said he has been unhappy with me for a long time, that I have been very stubborn, that I do not listen to him, that I put him down and criticise him, that in Islam - I should not question the husband and follow whatever he says, that I refuse to learn the Arabic language, etc etc.

I totally moved out and decided to give him space. A week later, he met with me and shockingly, he said he thought it over and he pronounced the Talaq to me. He said, there is nothing that we could do about us and he cannot live with somebody like me.

I realised that he had a lot of resentment towards me and he never said a single thing about it all along. He said I have been very insensitive. He has been very patient with me and he does not want any confrontation so he decided to keep quite. But it does not help us if he does it that way. Because I am not aware what are the things that I could be doing wrong - then we could have discussed about it and I could have done something about it.

We both realised that there is something wrong with our communication. I begged him to give us a chance and we talk about it and seek marriage counseling. He refuse. All he can think of is that I am all the person to blame and there is nothing I can do to change his mind.

I am so devastated. I literally saw my whole world crashing. I admit my mistakes but he has his own share of mistakes as well. Why am I the only one who gets blamed here?

How could he just throw away our marriage like this? If he feels that he has been patient with me, what about all the sacrifices I have done? But we are not supposed to be counting anything that we do for someone we love, aren't we?

Two weeks ago we talked. I asked him to consider giving us a chance. Not only for our sake, but for Allah's sake. Who said marriage is easy anyway. And besides, there are so many couples who have even bigger problems than us but they are able to surpass it. We ended our conversation by him saying that he will think it over...

Now, I have found out that he is officially seeing that woman he exchanged the messages with. How could he be thinking about giving us a chance when he is now busy with this new relationship!

I have spoken to some Sisters in Islam and I was told that I should let go and he is not worth it. That whatever he did (running away from the problem) is so childish and immature.

But it has been so difficult to do that. I am so affected with the guilt that he imposed on me that everything is my fault. What if he is just so confused? Mid-life crisis or something? Or is he just doing that to find an excuse on the silly things that he has been doing?

As said above, we are left with one month to reconcile. The most I can I do for now is to pray to Allah to lessen the pain I am having and to guide my husband. I am still hoping that he will come back to me as a changed man.

However, I do not know if I should still go on fighting for us or just simply let go. One day I cry hard and will have a very strong urge to call him and talk to him about us. Another day, I feel very angry for what he has done. I am so confused as well.

For those who are knowledgeable of the responsibilities of a good Muslim Husband and Wife, are my mistakes really unforgivable?

Thank you for having patience reading my story. Appreciate any advise. Salam.

ASSLAMOU alaikoum WARAHMATOU allah TAALA wabarakatou,

Sister first i want you not to blame your self for all the mistakes because we are all human being have mistakes and can commit mistakes that mean your husband is also had mistakes

Regarding you asked him about the bills and asking him to find a job is your right as his wife in the islam because as a couple we should share the bad and good moments together and we should know our budget and everything this is life and we dont know what will happen tomorrow ALLAH SWT knows the best

Still i feel that there is something there wrong you didnt mention about it i dont know what it is because how could he took this rapid decision to divorce you ?

YOu should find out first what is the main problem in his mind for divorcing you then you can solve it then INSHALLAH everything will be fine


About other women may be is only with her to make you jalous and to make you angry and may be he is not serious with her so forget about her and concentrate on him

I give you this advice dont call him so much and dont bother him just choose one day like saturday or sunday text him on his mobile or send him email telling him that you want to meet him as a friend and you need him as friend and show your interest for that wear nice clothes and make some changes like never seeing it before on you and invit him for a lunch and try to find out what was wrong with you believe me it will work INSHALLAH

Good luck ALLAH KNOWS BEST

[nuryanna75]

Salam to all. Thank you for the replies and advises.

I have been trying and searching for a Sheik in my region to seek guidance from but I can't seem to get one. They are only available during work hours (9am to 6pm) and unable to accommodate after work hours.

I agree with some that my story might be biased towards me so most of us will have a conclusion that my husband is not worth it and maybe it is best that marriage has ended.

To answer tuoba, I will try to share the other side of the story and my response to them. My husband told me that he has been unhappy with me for a very long time and has resented a lot of things that I did and thinks that I will never change.

1. I grew up in a culture where it is normal to tease one another. Tease about someone's hairstyle, clothes, weight, almost about anything. And the delivery would always be an obvious way that it was a tease, a joke.
- My husband feels that I am criticising him by doing that
- With his friends doing the same and my husband never talked to me about it, I thought it was okay. But in reality, he has taken them all personally and thinks that I am insensitive.

2. I spoke to my husband before of the idea of us moving out from his parents and suggest living on our own.
- He said he is the eldest and he takes the responsibility of taking care of them when they are old so he feels that I did not consider that
- I did not mean that we leave them. My primary reason is for us to learn to be independent from them. It can be temporary, just for us to build our own foundation.
- I also want to experience the feeling of doing all the household chores for him. Living with his parents, we have the luxury of having almost anything very handy and having a maid do almost everything for us. My husband even hardly notices that there are things that are also done by me.
- I even have to compete cooking with his mother or the maid because he will always compare

3. I am a vocal person. I speak out whatever is inside my head. My parents brought me up to not be scared of dreaming or hoping for things. And work hard to have them if I really want to.
- I often tell my husband that one day, I want us to travel to different places. Or what are the things that I would like to have if we have the means. But I am not telling him that I want him to give that to me. I know that we are in debt, that we have bills to pay. I am not demanding anything from him.
- Again, he took things seriously. He feels pressured and says that I am asking too much from him
- He could not even think of anything that I REALLY asked from him to give or buy me. I do not possess anything extravagant. I do not spend my money on anything fancy. My only priceless possessions are those gifts he gave me long time ago. And I did not ask for anything more.

4. My husband says that I am not sincere in learning and practicing Islam
- Considering again the fact that I grew up with strong Christian background, I did have a lot of resistance in the past
- He initially told me that I do not have to convert but got caught in situation where I had no choice so the resistance got even worse
- I have attended the Basic Islam classes three times and I did not have the heart to learn to pray... but because I do want to be with him and I am very thankful I have a supportive family who accepts me for whatever I choose. The right time came and I converted.
- One issue he raised is my fasting during Ramadan. I have difficulty fulfilling it because of my stomach ulcer. He asks me to say the intention and I should be able to get through it. I have tried, God knows I sincerely tried but I really have medical condition. He feels that I am not exerting much effort.
- He also suggested that I go for Arabic classes so that I will learn how to read the Quran. I asked him if it is possible to learn and understand the Quran in English first. I asked him to be patient and make him understand that I am like a child that I have to take steps one at a time.
- He says that whatever I do, he is the one bearing my sins. Is asking for understanding to take small steps in Islam really that grave?
- If he looked through our years of marriage, he should have seen the progress I have made but it seems that all those did not matter.

5. Above issues bring us to him feeling that I disobey and disrespect him.
- He told me that in Islam, I should always listen and obey my husband. I should not question him and he has the right to go anywhere he wants and comes back anytime he wants.
- He often talks to me in an authoritative manner: "I am the husband" attitude. And so if he does that, I feel hurt and will in turn be stubborn. He even asks me to consult an Islamic teacher to justify what he told me. That I have not been a good Islamic wife.
- Which confuses me because after a few counseling from different Islamic groups, I realised how the Quran clearly states how the husband and wife should treat each other.
- I always ask him not to talk to me that way but he still does. We often end up being angry with each other - I will not talk to him and keep quiet - one, two days - and then we will be okay again.
- Having seen him talk to his parents the same way, I learned to accept that he is just who he. Unfortunately for him, when I keep quiet, he feels that I am teaching him a lesson and I am trying to change him. He does not seem to understand that it is painful for me if he talks to me that way.

6. He feels that I complain too much and I made making love a troublesome task for him
- During our Marriage Preparation Course, we were given a background on what are our responsibilities towards each other
- I also clearly remember that even if we are already married, we should try our best to make ourselves attractive for each other, that we should try to make our partner comfortable in bed, etc
- I do not like the smell of cigarette so I did ask for him to brush/clean up before he sleeps with me. Also, he does not agree in foreplay, which I constantly tells him I need it - so he feels that I am too demanding and making love becomes too laborious for him
- When I don't feel the urge to be in bed with him, he feels that I have taken him for granted. What about my need? I feel neglected too. I explained that we should compromise and learn to give and take but he hates it when I tell him what he should do.

These are the major reasons why he said he is divorcing me. He feels that I can no longer do anything about it and I will not change. Sorry if my further story will still make most of you swing to my side again.

But if we analyse the story, there is a major problem on communication and cultural differences which if properly addressed and discussed, we can still do something about it.

After the talaq, I have been constantly reading, seeking advice from teachers, sisters, religious groups to try to understand why can't he forgive me. The least he could have done is maybe seek advice from a Sheik or Islamic scholar as well. But he instead just turned his back and walked away.

I am just human. I make mistakes. But I can change and strive to be a better person. Even God knows how to forgive. Why can't he?

[Ummu Sufyaan]

some things he has a point in, but at the same time he needs to give up his ways as well. i'll address how you can fix it up from your end, but you need to somehow (if possible) set some conditions, and get him out of his being with other women stage, as well as spending and fulfilling his financial rights you have over him. this issues really needs addressing from both ends, and neither of you should take the full brunt (though in all honesty, i find that he is more at fault)...

if he has a problem with you teasing him and finds it offensive, you need to stop. there is no reason why should continue is he doesn't like it.

about his parents, if they are so old that they cant look after themselves, then i advice you to stay and help them (although i dont understand why your husband cant do that himself?) if not, why dont you suggest to move
somewhere close by? next door? he is sort of right where he says that you should have considered it. if you knew that that was your living conditions marriage, then im not sure you should be complaining (no offense)


about your being vocal, asking what the problem is about verbally dreaming tell him (politely) that you are his wife and as your husband, then you would like him to know what you are thinking...in the same way he share his thoughts with you, then you like to do likewise. how is it going to hurt anyone? and this like that.

My husband says that I am not sincere in learning and practicing Islam

lol. what about him? being with other women, and not being financially responsible, is not being sincere in learning and practicing. ugh! it works both ways!

He even asks me to consult an Islamic teacher to justify what he told me.

i think a sincere Islamic scholar would actually take your side in some of these things you mention and im not even joking.

[AnonymousPoster]

salam

why are you making this about you?

sometimes i read the forum and wonder how people get themselves into and stay in these situations. why don't they just leave? for example if the topic is about the husband beating his wife ..i would say just leave.if the topic is about the husband drinking alcohol ..i would say just leave. if the topic is about the husband cheating ..i would say just leave.

this topic is about husband taking advantage of his wife,{ie. emotionally, financially, mentally etc} and he some how manages to point and say she is the problem.

you are like the other ladies in the other topics. you guys usually try to justify their actions and then even put the blame on yourselves.

you know what i tell myself after i read this? Maybe these ladies are so immersed in the problem they just don't see it. maybe other factors{ie children}

sis i really believe if you had the ability to remove yourself from the situation and watch it for yourself then you'd see what many of the forumer members are seeing. I don't believe this thread would even exist.... just a theory

anyways i don't know you or your husband and i'd like to add. i'm not a iman,scholar,marriage counselor, family member etc. I'd say go to these people first.i just wanted to give my two cents to your posts.

take care

w/salam

[touba]

Salam to all. Thank you for the replies and advises.

I have been trying and searching for a Sheik in my region to seek guidance from but I can't seem to get one. They are only available during work hours (9am to 6pm) and unable to accommodate after work hours.

I agree with some that my story might be biased towards me so most of us will have a conclusion that my husband is not worth it and maybe it is best that marriage has ended.

To answer tuoba, I will try to share the other side of the story and my response to them. My husband told me that he has been unhappy with me for a very long time and has resented a lot of things that I did and thinks that I will never change.

1. I grew up in a culture where it is normal to tease one another. Tease about someone's hairstyle, clothes, weight, almost about anything. And the delivery would always be an obvious way that it was a tease, a joke.
- My husband feels that I am criticising him by doing that
- With his friends doing the same and my husband never talked to me about it, I thought it was okay. But in reality, he has taken them all personally and thinks that I am insensitive.

2. I spoke to my husband before of the idea of us moving out from his parents and suggest living on our own.
- He said he is the eldest and he takes the responsibility of taking care of them when they are old so he feels that I did not consider that
- I did not mean that we leave them. My primary reason is for us to learn to be independent from them. It can be temporary, just for us to build our own foundation.
- I also want to experience the feeling of doing all the household chores for him. Living with his parents, we have the luxury of having almost anything very handy and having a maid do almost everything for us. My husband even hardly notices that there are things that are also done by me.
- I even have to compete cooking with his mother or the maid because he will always compare

3. I am a vocal person. I speak out whatever is inside my head. My parents brought me up to not be scared of dreaming or hoping for things. And work hard to have them if I really want to.
- I often tell my husband that one day, I want us to travel to different places. Or what are the things that I would like to have if we have the means. But I am not telling him that I want him to give that to me. I know that we are in debt, that we have bills to pay. I am not demanding anything from him.
- Again, he took things seriously. He feels pressured and says that I am asking too much from him
- He could not even think of anything that I REALLY asked from him to give or buy me. I do not possess anything extravagant. I do not spend my money on anything fancy. My only priceless possessions are those gifts he gave me long time ago. And I did not ask for anything more.

4. My husband says that I am not sincere in learning and practicing Islam
- Considering again the fact that I grew up with strong Christian background, I did have a lot of resistance in the past
- He initially told me that I do not have to convert but got caught in situation where I had no choice so the resistance got even worse
- I have attended the Basic Islam classes three times and I did not have the heart to learn to pray... but because I do want to be with him and I am very thankful I have a supportive family who accepts me for whatever I choose. The right time came and I converted.
- One issue he raised is my fasting during Ramadan. I have difficulty fulfilling it because of my stomach ulcer. He asks me to say the intention and I should be able to get through it. I have tried, God knows I sincerely tried but I really have medical condition. He feels that I am not exerting much effort.
- He also suggested that I go for Arabic classes so that I will learn how to read the Quran. I asked him if it is possible to learn and understand the Quran in English first. I asked him to be patient and make him understand that I am like a child that I have to take steps one at a time.
- He says that whatever I do, he is the one bearing my sins. Is asking for understanding to take small steps in Islam really that grave?
- If he looked through our years of marriage, he should have seen the progress I have made but it seems that all those did not matter.

5. Above issues bring us to him feeling that I disobey and disrespect him.
- He told me that in Islam, I should always listen and obey my husband. I should not question him and he has the right to go anywhere he wants and comes back anytime he wants.
- He often talks to me in an authoritative manner: "I am the husband" attitude. And so if he does that, I feel hurt and will in turn be stubborn. He even asks me to consult an Islamic teacher to justify what he told me. That I have not been a good Islamic wife.
- Which confuses me because after a few counseling from different Islamic groups, I realised how the Quran clearly states how the husband and wife should treat each other.
- I always ask him not to talk to me that way but he still does. We often end up being angry with each other - I will not talk to him and keep quiet - one, two days - and then we will be okay again.
- Having seen him talk to his parents the same way, I learned to accept that he is just who he. Unfortunately for him, when I keep quiet, he feels that I am teaching him a lesson and I am trying to change him. He does not seem to understand that it is painful for me if he talks to me that way.

6. He feels that I complain too much and I made making love a troublesome task for him
- During our Marriage Preparation Course, we were given a background on what are our responsibilities towards each other
- I also clearly remember that even if we are already married, we should try our best to make ourselves attractive for each other, that we should try to make our partner comfortable in bed, etc
- I do not like the smell of cigarette so I did ask for him to brush/clean up before he sleeps with me. Also, he does not agree in foreplay, which I constantly tells him I need it - so he feels that I am too demanding and making love becomes too laborious for him
- When I don't feel the urge to be in bed with him, he feels that I have taken him for granted. What about my need? I feel neglected too. I explained that we should compromise and learn to give and take but he hates it when I tell him what he should do.

These are the major reasons why he said he is divorcing me. He feels that I can no longer do anything about it and I will not change. Sorry if my further story will still make most of you swing to my side again.

But if we analyse the story, there is a major problem on communication and cultural differences which if properly addressed and discussed, we can still do something about it.

After the talaq, I have been constantly reading, seeking advice from teachers, sisters, religious groups to try to understand why can't he forgive me. The least he could have done is maybe seek advice from a Sheik or Islamic scholar as well. But he instead just turned his back and walked away.

I am just human. I make mistakes. But I can change and strive to be a better person. Even God knows how to forgive. Why can't he?

Did you see i really felt that there is something there you didnt tell us but alhamdoliallah you told us now , From what you said now i can say that majority of mistakes are yours because you should know in the beginning that marry a muslim man especially an arab man there will be a different religion and culture and tradition and family matters and those are the satisfaction of an arab muslim man , I noticed you didnt mentioned about your relation with his parents ?
Because it is important how they accept you and how they behave with you ?
I felt you didnt take the islam as seriously in the beginning of the marriage or may be you take it as a basic for completing the marriage with him but for him may be he was dreaming to see you as a good convert religion muslim woman to be proud of in front of his family and friends but the fact you didnt put him into the critic in front of his family and friends thats why he turned up and he started searching for an other woman and why not an arab muslim woman who can understand his religion and practise and understand his culture and tradition because as men hes got a dignity
As i told you before my advice try to become a good muslim cover your self put hijjab learn arabic try to pray and invit him as a friend or the best way after you put the hijjab and you change your attitude buy a gift and try to visit his family and show them how you changed and INSHALLAH it will work as the family have a big value into the eyes of their son and let me know

Forget about your christian culture and lifestyle and and and concentrate to your new life as a muslim and culture and you will be the winner and your husband will be back to you

Good Luck INSHALLAH and ALLAH SWT knows best

[- IqRa -]

Have you got any children?

[nuryanna75]

Hi Tuoba, my husband is not an Arab man and I had good relationship with his parents. They understand that I am from a different culture and upbringing so they were patient with me and accepts me for who I am.

I only follow what I see. My husband is supposed to guide me so I feel that it is not fair for him to expect me to be a perfect Muslim when he himself does not show me what is right. I am not blaming him on that... I should have taken initiative as well.

I understand where you are coming from. But nevertheless, there are also a lot of adjustments I have done myself. Change is not overnight. But I am doing my best to make it happen.