heart sick and MISUNDERSTANDINGS...

[anonymous]

I ask the moderators to delete this thread a week from now if possible, if not possible, please, do not approve this thread...thank you..

Ill cut right down to the chase...I met a family who were amazing. They really loved me and I really loved them, and their son therefore was interested in marrying me...and I felt the same way.

People who spoke on my part caused enormous misunderstandings which cannot be corrected now; its too late(and too long and complicated to explain on here)... I feel heart sick and frustrated that I have missed out on an amazing man...I never took the situation really seriously since I wasn't sure if he was serious...turns out he really was and I ended up hurting his feelings I believe...which weren't my intentions at all..

Now he is completly turned off by the hole situation, and I can understand why, considering the ten billion misunderstandings which occured between my family and his',but if I liked him and he liked me back, why let this go?

My heart can't...and Ive been depressed ever since...I don't know whats the proper way to correct this or if this can even be corrected, but I thought maybe someone here would have a suggestion...

thank you in advance, I once again ask the moderators to delete this thread a week from now if possible, if not possible, please, do not approve this thread...thank you..

[Ummu Sufyaan]

i dont know what to say.

have you gotten a third party (someone who you both trust) to speak to him and his family? maybe try write him letter through your wali explaining things instead of talking to him directly becuase well not many people wrote letters so it'll be different so it might switch a light bulb on in his head


all the best...

[cat eyes]

u need to get somebody else present at ur meetings instead of both ur families if thats the way they are going to react some people cannot simply marry due to the fault of the family once u get rid of the faults you can fix the problem easily

[KittenLover]

I know how you feel, try and do as the above posters said.

[cat eyes]

haha bout time u started posting kitten reach those fifty posts quick quick lol x

[KittenLover]

lol thanks sis it's taking ages x

[anonymous]

wow I wasnt expecting replies this quickly...JazakAllah kheir...

i dont know what to say. people can be so so stupid unfortunately you cant get rid of it

have you gotten a third party (someone who you both trust) to speak to him and his family? maybe try write him letter through your wali explaining things instead of talking to him directly becuase well not many people wrote letters so it'll be different so it might switch a light bulb on in his head

he may have turned away from you because of his jealously, so you need to reassure him that there wont be any competition and that we all make mistakes and have made some kind of sins in our lives at one point.

all the best...

Yes there is a third party involved...she tried to clarify the misunderstandings bu the man took my first response as a rejection, *sigh*...and from what I have been told men are pretty sensitive when it comes to these matters. I didn't reject him at all by the way,like I said,misunderstandings..not even spoken by me. its so frustrating I have so many good things going on now AlhamdulillAh but I can't enjoy any of them....

I just feel so depressed and can't really speak to anyone about this...I keep on thinking it's for the best...but then I remember we have free will and the actions we take do affect our future..

this is so so hard...

u need to get somebody else present at ur meetings instead of both ur families if thats the way they are going to react some people cannot simply marry due to the fault of the family once u get rid of the faults you can fix the problem easily

you said it perfectly...

there are no more meetings now...considering what I have mentioned above ....I can't get in touch with him...and he thinks I dont want to get in touch with him...so...loose loose situation. Best thing is to let it go but...


The fact that there were mutual feelings and he felt strongly about this(I heard through our mutual friends..) upsets me even more; it could've worked out perfectly.

I think now its not how do I fix this but how do I get over it...

[Italianguy]

May I ask how you and he can have such strong feelings for each other having not known each other real well? Or how you have such strong feelings for a man you don't know?.....I'm not trying to make offense here.

BUt usually when you have such strong feelings for another(gender) you have probably known each other before (and no one knows) or its just lust.

Be careful, don't sadden yourself, he is not the only good guy you will find. I promise. God provides us with a partner that is befitting us. Maybe this is God's way of telling you, he's not good enough for you?

Just my 2 cents.

God be with you.

You are a child of He, and will be rewarded your partner upon God's own terms. No happiness will come of the blunder of which is not right.

And smile

[anonymous]

May I ask how you and he can have such strong feelings for each other having not known each other real well? Or how you have such strong feelings for a man you don't know?.....I'm not trying to make offense here.

BUt usually when you have such strong feelings for another(gender) you have probably known each other before (and no one knows) or its just lust.

Be careful, don't sadden yourself, he is not the only good guy you will find. I promise. God provides us with a partner that is befitting us. Maybe this is God's way of telling you, he's not good enough for you?

Just my 2 cents.

God be with you.

You are a child of He, and will be rewarded your partner upon God's own terms. No happiness will come of the blunder of which is not right.

And smile

Ohh..I'm sorry I never meant to come across that way...no I do not have any romantic feelings for him, and i'm sure him likewise, neither was there lust...at all.

For Muslims,well, maybe I should speak for myself actually, but I believe most people think like I do; when you meet a potential partner who has everything you are looking for, and who appears to be respectable and religious; you take interest in him for the qualities he portrays in his speech and actions...I met his family more than once and there was that initial connection, where you automatically *click* with people...that meant alot to me...and when I met him afterwards...I could see much affection in his mother's eyes for him...something you can't fake...and that's also a great indicator of what kind of man he is..

I've also heard from loved ones of his qualities and values...that's why I am dissapointed in what has happened,but I would never say I was 'in love' with him...I believe love comes years and years after marriage, where both have endured trials together...hope that clarifies things..

And thank you for your post, he isn't the only good guy out there, I know that, but they are so difficult to find(where I live, huge western influence on them)...I don't mean to generalize,but from what I've seen and whom I've met, its ridiculous...I won't even mention the embarrassing stories i have been through and my friends likewise..

This man seemed different...

[Italianguy]

Ohh..I'm sorry I never meant to come across that way...no I do not have any romantic feelings for him, and i'm sure him likewise, neither was there lust...at all.

For Muslims,well, maybe I should speak for myself actually, but I believe most people think like I do; when you meet a potential partner who has everything you are looking for, and who appears to be respectable and religious; you take interest in him for the qualities he portrays in his speech and actions...I met his family more than once and there was that initial connection, where you automatically *click* with people...that meant alot to me...and when I met him afterwards...I could see much affection in his mother's eyes for him...something you can't fake...and that's also a great indicator of what kind of man he is..

I've also heard from loved ones of his qualities and values...that's why I am dissapointed in what has happened,but I would never say I was 'in love' with him...I believe love comes years and years after marriage, where both have endured trials together...hope that clarifies things..

And thank you for your post, he isn't the only good guy out there, I know that, but they are so difficult to find(where I live, huge western influence on them)...I don't mean to generalize,but from what I've seen and whom I've met, its ridiculous...I won't even mention the embarrassing stories i have been through and my friends likewise..

This man seemed different...

lad to hear that.

You don't have to explain yourself to me, but thanks for sharing

I'm sorry this happened to you, but like I said, God will provide you with the perfect mate.

Although I am Christian, I am very conservative and traditional in my treatment of women(in a good way) and I agree most of the men even in my area are "westernized" or as my wifes parents and my parents say "Ahmedeekhanised" (americanised) No offense to my fellow americans

Thats why i'm married to an Indian woman "they're the best"

Had to say that she's watching me. hehe

[AnonymousPoster]

There has to be a solution. There is not a problem without a solution. UHhh...message himand tell him the misconseptions. But don't do it in a lax manner, since we have to talk to men ..

[Ummu Sufyaan]

wa alaykum us-Salaam

wow I wasnt expecting replies this quickly...JazakAllah kheir...

Yes there is a third party involved...she tried to clarify the misunderstandings bu the man took my first response as a rejection, *sigh*...and from what I have been told men are pretty sensitive when it comes to these matters. I didn't reject him at all by the way,like I said,misunderstandings..not even spoken by me. its so frustrating I have so many good things going on now AlhamdulillAh but I can't enjoy any of them....

I just feel so depressed and can't really speak to anyone about this...I keep on thinking it's for the best...but then I remember we have free will and the actions we take do affect our future..

this is so so hard...

you said it perfectly...

there are no more meetings now...considering what I have mentioned above ....I can't get in touch with him...and he thinks I dont want to get in touch with him...so...loose loose situation. Best thing is to let it go but...


The fact that there were mutual feelings and he felt strongly about this(I heard through our mutual friends..) upsets me even more; it could've worked out perfectly.

I think now its not how do I fix this but how do I get over it...

in all honesty, things arent clear here and it looks like you may be both worrying for no reason like what does this mean

she tried to clarify the misunderstandings bu the man took my first response as a rejection,

misunderstanding meaning ? so your friend tried explaining to him and he took your friends explanation that you were rejecting him?

he seems to have rejected you because he thinks you dont want him...at least that's the way im understanding things. it seems like there a genuine misunderstanding and that you are rejecting one another based on baseless assumptions and misunderstandings...

[AnonymousPoster]

Italian guy, just to add to what anonymous said, since us Muslims dont date and all, when a suitable person comes along with the qualities you are looking for, it touches you deeply becuase there hasnt been anyone there before...

['Abd-al Latif]

Can everyone, except for the thread starter, please stop using the anon feature. It gets very confusing when multiple users post under the same name.

[crayon]

I say get everyone together, discuss all the issues that have been going on, work them out, put them behind you. Then pretend like you haven't even met before, and start everything from scratch.

May Allah make the best for you and him happen.

[zakirs]

sister,


May be after dust settles down and the wounds heal slightly you can ask your brother or somebody to talk again on your behalf ? .. Let his family and him know that you like him ?

If thats not possible don't worry as the saying says everything is for our good. So wait for what god has in store for you in future.All the best sister

[anonymous]

once again thank you for all the responses...it feels good to speak about this and get some advice all while remaining anonymous..

Italian guy, just to add to what anonymous said, since us Muslims dont date and all, when a suitable person comes along with the qualities you are looking for, it touches you deeply becuase there hasnt been anyone there before...

yes, that is very true, I think that is the reason why this situation had such a strong effect on me. This is the first guy that approached me the proper way, and was actually serious about marriage.IMO, it takes guts to approach a girl's family.

in all honesty, things arent clear here and it looks like you may be both worrying for no reason like what does this mean

misunderstanding meaning ? so your friend tried explaining to him and he took your friends explanation that you were rejecting him?

he seems to have rejected you because he thinks you dont want him...at least that's the way im understanding things. it seems like there a genuine misunderstanding and that you are rejecting one another based on baseless assumptions and misunderstandings...

Actually, you got it right in the last paragraph you wrote. After I met him, he made his feelings clear; that he was interested in engagement/marriage, and I guess I didn't make my feelings as clear, since he thought I didn't want that. The thing is, my family was the one to speak on my behalf(after we met),and I didn't know what they had said until only a few days ago- I was pretty surprised, since what they said did not represent my thoughts.They didn't do it to harm me, obviously, but there you go; a misunderstanding between me and my own family led to a misunderstanding between me and the guy's family. A big mess that could've been avoided.

sister,


May be after dust settles down and the wounds heal slightly you can ask your brother or somebody to talk again on your behalf ? .. Let his family and him know that you like him ?

If thats not possible don't worry as the saying says everything is for our good. So wait for what god has in store for you in future.All the best sister

Thanks for the advice, that is actually possible, although the situation is more complicated than I explained on here(very long,) but...I might consider it.

I say get everyone together, discuss all the issues that have been going on, work them out, put them behind you. Then pretend like you haven't even met before, and start everything from scratch.

May Allah make the best for you and him happen.

This seems very simple and actually is possible, through our mutual friends,this could be arranged...I'd have to talk to them though...


InshAllah only good comes out of this, and if its over its over, I guess there wasn't any naseeb...

inshAllah I will get over this soon,its easier to get over it if you know he didn't like you back, but the fact that he did and little words got blown out of proportion frustrates me to no ends. Allahu 3alam, InshAllah kheir..

thank you for taking the time to advise me, may Allah(SWT) bless you all<3

[Snowflake]

assalamu alaykum,

Sis, this might not be easy to hear but if anyone can believe what people say about you without clarifying it with you, then honestly you deserve better. Exactly the same thing happened to a girl in my neighbourhood. She was extremely distraught as is understandable. She pined and vowed she won't marry anyone else and hoped the misunderstandings would clear. A couple of years later she was introduced to a brother, fell for him hook, line and sinker and is now very very happily married. Sis, no harm comes without the will of Allah, and when Allah allows it to come, it's because He knows it's good for us. He knows what's happening behind the scenes. We have to trust Him to do goos for us, because only good comes from Allah. Have sabr sis. Qadr Allah. InshaAllah he will compensate you with better. Ameen.

[Hamza Asadullah]

I ask the moderators to delete this thread a week from now if possible, if not possible, please, do not approve this thread...thank you..

Ill cut right down to the chase...I met a family who were amazing. They really loved me and I really loved them, and their son therefore was interested in marrying me...and I felt the same way.

People who spoke on my part caused enormous misunderstandings which cannot be corrected now; its too late(and too long and complicated to explain on here)... I feel heart sick and frustrated that I have missed out on an amazing man...I never took the situation really seriously since I wasn't sure if he was serious...turns out he really was and I ended up hurting his feelings I believe...which weren't my intentions at all..

Now he is completly turned off by the hole situation, and I can understand why, considering the ten billion misunderstandings which occured between my family and his',but if I liked him and he liked me back, why let this go?

My heart can't...and Ive been depressed ever since...I don't know whats the proper way to correct this or if this can even be corrected, but I thought maybe someone here would have a suggestion...

thank you in advance, I once again ask the moderators to delete this thread a week from now if possible, if not possible, please, do not approve this thread...thank you..

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, it is incumbant on us to clear up any misunderstandings that anyone may have about us. Without the correct knowledge people will have misconceptions and misunderstandings and the only way to get rid of these misconceptions and misunderstandings is to communicate the truth to them.

You should certainly ask your mother to ring his mother in order to set up a meeting where your parents, brother and you can get together with his family to discuss and talk about any issues which need to be discussed. If need be then get an elder of the family involved to mediate the meeting. Communication is key here and the quicker you get this sorted out the better.

Whatever happens after that you should then look at it as whatever is best for you will happen. Ask of Allah to do whatever is best for you and if it does'nt go ahead then know that something better for you will come inshallah.

[anonymous]

assalamu alaykum,

Sis, this might not be easy to hear but if anyone can believe what people say about you without clarifying it with you, then honestly you deserve better. Exactly the same thing happened to a girl in my neighbourhood. She was extremely distraught as is understandable. She pined and vowed she won't marry anyone else and hoped the misunderstandings would clear. A couple of years later she was introduced to a brother, fell for him hook, line and sinker and is now very very happily married. Sis, no harm comes without the will of Allah, and when Allah allows it to come, it's because He knows it's good for us. He knows what's happening behind the scenes. We have to trust Him to do goos for us, because only good comes from Allah. Have sabr sis. Qadr Allah. InshaAllah he will compensate you with better. Ameen.

thank you for sharing your example...I think what you said is true, and I knew it was true in the back of my mind but didn't really want to admit to it..the fact that they believed what had been said without even thinking twice about it its surprising, although understandable, since it came from my own family...anyway, I think im just about ready to move on and let this go, because if I don't im simply wasting my time...

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, it is incumbant on us to clear up any misunderstandings that anyone may have about us. Without the correct knowledge people will have misconceptions and misunderstandings and the only way to get rid of these misconceptions and misunderstandings is to communicate the truth to them.

You should certainly ask your mother to ring his mother in order to set up a meeting where your parents, brother and you can get together with his family to discuss and talk about any issues which need to be discussed. If need be then get an elder of the family involved to mediate the meeting. Communication is key here and the quicker you get this sorted out the better.

Whatever happens after that you should then look at it as whatever is best for you will happen. Ask of Allah to do whatever is best for you and if it does'nt go ahead then know that something better for you will come inshallah.

I can't speak to my mother about this anymore, for a very valid reason...(which I unfortunately can't mention here)...its nothing bad, its just the circumstances which led to me not being able to communicate with her about this. Thank you for your advice, and like you said, inshAllah something better will come,


JazakAllah kheir to all that took the time to answer, you truly helped me get through this faster than I thought I would