an issue with the wife

[YusufNoor]

a little over a month ago, my wife left on a journey to Yemen to visit her sick mother. her mother, may Allah have mercy on her, passed away before my wife arrived.

i told my wife that a 3 week trip or at most 6 weeks would be alright with me, but not longer than 6 weeks, because of fitnah...

my wife was pretty distraught over her mom's passing. who wouldn't be? however, a week later she proclaimed that she really liked Yemen and that she was going to "take a break" for a while.

by the following week she decided that she was not going to return to the US. she liked Yemen too much and as we had talked about one day moving there, she said that she would just simply wait for me. she is staying with her sister.

i told that i am NOT moving to Yemen any time soon and that i never gave her permission to "move", but just to visit her dying mom. she said she might consider "coming back" IF i force her too, but other than that she said she was happy where she is and that she doesn't want to leave. further, she said that it was OK for me to get a 2nd wife while i remained in the US.

i love my wife and i want what is best for her, but i also want what is best for me and those 2 things don't seem to be compatible at the moment. i told her that my heart disease and lung disease were getting worse and it would be nice to have someone to call 911 if things bring on my next heart attack.

i am stumped. at times i am so mad that i want to divorce her, but i know her intentions aren't bad. she is happy to be in a Muslim country for the 1st time in her life, well other than Somalia. she did begin to hate it here before she left and believe it or not, SHE asked a revert sister to be my 2nd wife! my opinion on THAT sister was she needed to learn her din and then she if she could repair her 1st marriage.

any input from MUSLIMS ONLY would be appreciated.

[جوري]

akhi

This is a difficult situation indeed.. I believe that perhaps she has found some support system to comfort her over her loss in her extended family.. I know whenever I go away on vacation no matter how short I never want to come back.. I don't know why but traveling a new feels like death to me especially when I think of how difficult the every day living is. .. but we are not in this life for comfort.. it is a struggle and it might pay that you remind her that a woman's jihad is in her respect and acquiescence to her husband's wishes especially if they are in her best interest and aren't against Allah in any way.. .. May I suggest that you purchase a round trip ticket and get your wife in person. I think being and seeing you will change her mind about things.. There are laws as far as I know in the Muslim world that require a wife to be with her husband hopefully it won't come to that, but you'll certainly have more of a leverage in swaying her while there than here.... Trust me I can appreciate how upset and angry you are but given her circumstance, I believe that Allah swt will reward you for your patience.. pls go get your wife in person, if nothing else I think she will value the gesture ..

[YusufNoor]

DANG, i thought i posted that as anonymous.

see, the problem is that when her mom and sister first got to Yemen in September, we talked about the possibility of moving there in "the future."

her position is kind of "i'll just wait until you get here!" she don't care how long i take as long as she gets to stay there.

she LOVES hearing the athan and the fajr prayer, the food isn't crap like here.

it's rather heartbreaking, as she intends no wrong. maybe she is just trying to force my hand and get me to move there sooner, but as i AM supposed to support her, one DOES need employment!

[جوري]

DANG, i thought i posted that as anonymous.

see, the problem is that when her mom and sister first got to Yemen in September, we talked about the possibility of moving there in "the future."

her position is kind of "i'll just wait until you get here!" she don't care how long i take as long as she gets to stay there.

she LOVES hearing the athan and the fajr prayer, the food isn't crap like here.

it's rather heartbreaking, as she intends no wrong. maybe she is just trying to force my hand and get me to move there sooner, but as i AM supposed to support her, one DOES need employment!

I am sorry akhi, if it makes you feel better I'll pretend you are some other Muslim member..

I appreciate that you are not well.. trust me I am all too familiar with that.. I have these two machines at home:

http://www.amazon.com/Readmyheart-Pe...3165881&sr=8-6

and

http://www.amazon.com/Microlife-PF-1...3165922&sr=1-1

just to keep tabs on your health while you go get your wife.. I think a little mini vacation for you would be a good thing as well.

you can always purchase this for your wife

http://www.islamicgoodsdirect.co.uk/...oducts_id/2442

so she can hear the athan, but go get her back home.. I think you can convince her of things in person that you can't otherwise..

as for work, well you can always work anywhere you go, that really shouldn't be a problem for someone of your talents, but for your health and sanity and your own children get your wife back home..


I'll keep you in my du3a insha'Allah

waslaam 3lykoum wr wb

[Cabdullahi]

DANG, i thought i posted that as anonymous.

see, the problem is that when her mom and sister first got to Yemen in September, we talked about the possibility of moving there in "the future."

her position is kind of "i'll just wait until you get here!" she don't care how long i take as long as she gets to stay there.

she LOVES hearing the athan and the fajr prayer, the food isn't crap like here.

it's rather heartbreaking, as she intends no wrong. maybe she is just trying to force my hand and get me to move there sooner, but as i AM supposed to support her, one DOES need employment!

Brother going to Yemen at this time is not very wise judging by how things are faring regarding the al c.i.ada influence

[YusufNoor]

I am sorry akhi, if it makes you feel better I'll pretend you are some other Muslim member..

I appreciate that you are not well.. trust me I am all too familiar with that.. I have these two machines at home:

http://www.amazon.com/Readmyheart-Pe...3165881&sr=8-6

and

http://www.amazon.com/Microlife-PF-1...3165922&sr=1-1

i just wing it with my heart. it's a wee bit dangerous. when i lay down at night it begins to feel like my lungs are filling up with liquid and i can't breathe. i wake up gasping for breath. my understanding is that is symptomatic of left side congestive heart failure. and on some days the shortness of breath never leaves, which may be more bronchial than anything. but erm, no insurance!

just to keep tabs on your health while you go get your wife.. I think a little mini vacation for you would be a good thing as well.

you can always purchase this for your wife

http://www.islamicgoodsdirect.co.uk/...oducts_id/2442

so she can hear the athan, but go get her back home.. I think you can convince her of things in person that you can't otherwise..

as for work, well you can always work anywhere you go, that really shouldn't be a problem for someone of your talents, but for your health and sanity and your own children get your wife back home..

we have Haroon Baqai on the pc.

I'll keep you in my du3a insha'Allah

waslaam 3lykoum wr wb

she doesn't see the problem. she feels that she has made hijra, whether unintentionally or not. she doesn't want to return to the land of the kufar, if she can avoid it. i think that because she says it's OK to take a 2nd wife that she is in the clear so to speak.

most people around seem to AGREE with her! they DO admit that what she is doing is wrong, but they say Yemen IS better than here and IF you want a 2nd wife, just get one.

i guess i'm like, if my wife wants to come back and CHOOSE the 2nd wife, then she can go back after that. not really but..

i should have seen this coming when she tried to get this other woman to move in with us. but i was too embarrassed when she explained what she meant.

we have no kids together, mine are from the 70s. IF i divorce her, it seems like i would be saying that she has wronged me in some way, which is NOT her intention. the weather there would be better for my lungs and i reckon it would be easier for me to learn Arabic there.

the only problem is that i am working on a few presentations about the Bible and Christianity that will enable, In Sha'a Allah, many more Muslims to show "what's wrong with the Bible" without getting all Ahmed Deedat [may Allah have mercy in him] on them. i've shown a few Muslims already and they were astounded. one had bought a Bible when he heard me explain some things. i took the bible that he had showed him, "look, it says right here, here and here that it has been changed!" we don't have to argue, we show what there own book says about their book! i want to get it down to 3 different 1 hour presentations so that i can put it on dvd. 1 on changes, the 2nd on a few MAJOR contradictions [not numbers] and the last a bit more involved showing that Islam is actually OLDER than MOST of the current forms of Christianity!

IF i get THAT done then, In Sha'a Allah, i'm ready to leave. who knows, maybe i could teach it as a course. but, i would like me wife in the mean time.

[Abdul Qadir]

This is sad, may Allah protect us from such a calamity...

[Snowflake]

First, I pray Allah grants you shifa and good health. Ameen. Secondly please don't be embarrassed bro. You're our brother, and your pain is ours.

I also ask for your forgiveness if I'm way off the mark on what I'm about to say..


I noticed you said that your wife gave you permission and even tried to set you up with a sister for a second marriage. You're wife did this prior to leaving for Yemen. It almost seems that she decided that once she goes she won't be coming back, and her attempt to set up marriage for you was out of guilt because she knew she wasn't coming back? You said she 'decided' to stay there only after a week of being there. Personally, I feel that's a very short period to make a decision in which there was no consulting or compromise and which affects the stability of a marriage.

I hate to say it bro, but it seems like a well thought out move.

I also find it hard to comprehend the reasons how a wife can leave her husband for any period longer than necessary, let alone indefinitely when he is in a bad state of health. I'm sorry but hearing the adhaan and all the other things aren't something you'd leave a sick husband for. They can merely be an excuse for not wanting to be with someone. It seems you're wife may not have been happy, but also didn't want to hurt you, hence her attempt of marriage for you.


I could be totally wrong of course. It's taken me ages to write this post as I wrote it in fear and lots of pauses in case I'm way off mark and unintentionally hurt your feelings. Please forgive me if I have in any way.


My advice is to get your wife to speak openly about what she wants. That's the only way you can make sense of what's really going on. I pray I am wrong. May Allah bless your marriage. Ameen.

[جوري]

she doesn't see the problem. she feels that she has made hijra, whether unintentionally or not. she doesn't want to return to the land of the kufar, if she can avoid it. i think that because she says it's OK to take a 2nd wife that she is in the clear so to speak.

most people around seem to AGREE with her! they DO admit that what she is doing is wrong, but they say Yemen IS better than here and IF you want a 2nd wife, just get one.

i guess i'm like, if my wife wants to come back and CHOOSE the 2nd wife, then she can go back after that. not really but..

i should have seen this coming when she tried to get this other woman to move in with us. but i was too embarrassed when she explained what she meant.

we have no kids together, mine are from the 70s. IF i divorce her, it seems like i would be saying that she has wronged me in some way, which is NOT her intention. the weather there would be better for my lungs and i reckon it would be easier for me to learn Arabic there.

the only problem is that i am working on a few presentations about the Bible and Christianity that will enable, In Sha'a Allah, many more Muslims to show "what's wrong with the Bible" without getting all Ahmed Deedat [may Allah have mercy in him] on them. i've shown a few Muslims already and they were astounded. one had bought a Bible when he heard me explain some things. i took the bible that he had showed him, "look, it says right here, here and here that it has been changed!" we don't have to argue, we show what there own book says about their book! i want to get it down to 3 different 1 hour presentations so that i can put it on dvd. 1 on changes, the 2nd on a few MAJOR contradictions [not numbers] and the last a bit more involved showing that Islam is actually OLDER than MOST of the current forms of Christianity!

IF i get THAT done then, In Sha'a Allah, i'm ready to leave. who knows, maybe i could teach it as a course. but, i would like me wife in the mean time.

can you get some sheikh from Yemen to speak with her.. It isn't normal nor Islamic what she is doing.. I understand that people do strange things that they later come to regret when they experience a terrible loss (God knows I am no stranger to it personally) and observationally--when my mother lost her sister and her mother, I used to find her talking to herself.. it made me very sad and it changed her in many ways, not for the better...

I think maybe there is something deeper than the whole land of kuffr thing that is keeping her there and I think you need to have a discussion of some candor with her.. maybe if you can convince her that she can go to as many vacations to Yemen as possible she won't feel the need to make it so permanent...

I look forward to your book btw...

[syilla]

Salams akhee...

Maybe you need to give her more time to think. Have sabr akhee... InshaAllah time will heal lots of things

[YusufNoor]

First, I pray Allah grants you shifa and good health. Ameen. Secondly please don't be embarrassed bro. You're our brother, and your pain is ours.

I also ask for your forgiveness if I'm way off the mark on what I'm about to say..


I noticed you said that your wife gave you permission and even tried to set you up with a sister for a second marriage. You're wife did this prior to leaving for Yemen. It almost seems that she decided that once she goes she won't be coming back, and her attempt to set up marriage for you was out of guilt because she knew she wasn't coming back? You said she 'decided' to stay there only after a week of being there. Personally, I feel that's a very short period to make a decision in which there was no consulting or compromise and which affects the stability of a marriage.

I hate to say it bro, but it seems like a well thought out move.

in hindsight, it does, BUT she was hoping that her mom would recover and that she would stay there and take care of her. THAT is understandable!

I also find it hard to comprehend the reasons how a wife can leave her husband for any period longer than necessary, let alone indefinitely when he is in a bad state of health. I'm sorry but hearing the adhaan and all the other things aren't something you'd leave a sick husband for. They can merely be an excuse for not wanting to be with someone. It seems you're wife may not have been happy, but also didn't want to hurt you, hence her attempt of marriage for you.


I could be totally wrong of course. It's taken me ages to write this post as I wrote it in fear and lots of pauses in case I'm way off mark and unintentionally hurt your feelings. Please forgive me if I have in any way.


My advice is to get your wife to speak openly about what she wants. That's the only way you can make sense of what's really going on. I pray I am wrong. May Allah bless your marriage. Ameen.

no worries, i'm trying to figure this all out.

what is troublesome, i said to her, "if you asked your mom about what you are doing, she would be furious with you."

and she just said, "my mom is dead."

i'm thinking/hoping that there was a miscommunication there. after all, i KNOW her mom passed.

in order for for to comprehend my displeasure, i told that i wasn't going to call her for a while. she got real upset, as if to imply that i had no reason to be angry.

oh well, i didn't call her this weekend. MAYBE that will indicate my displeasure with her, In Sha'a Allah.

i wish she has access to a computer so she could explain herself more clearly and that i could spell out MY reasons and feelings.

this is hard.

JazalAllah Khayr for letting me get this off my chest.

[Donia]

Brother, please do not be embarrassed. You are coming to seek advice about a very difficult situation that you are in. Nothing embarrassing about that.

This is hard. I don't want to accuse your wife of anything or assume any reason for her behaviors. Allah knows best why she is acting the way she is. Is there any way you can try to convince her to come back with you and then once you finish your book/work then you can both move to Yemen insha'Allah? It seems to me the work you are doing is very important and you are trying to do it as a positive for Muslims and Islam... alhumdulillah. May Allah reward you.

I just don't know what else to say. There are some women out there who are praying for a good husband and I just don't understand how some can just leave theirs and suggest for him to get another wife.. SubhanAllah. I know there's nothing wrong with that islamically.. but still.
Forgive me if I have said anything to offend you or anyone else in this thread.

I hope that Allah will heal you and provide an easy solution for your wife and you in this situation that will benefit you both insha'Allah.

[جوري]

You have been touched by ill of late my brother, may Allah swt undo all your hurt and grant you every blessing and every happiness.. I don't know what to offer you short of my sincere and genuine du3a that Allah swt removes this sadness and confusion from your heart and replaces it with joy, contentedness and blessings unbound in this life and the hereafter ..


ameen

إن الله لا يضيع أجر من أحسن عملاً


hope this cheers you up insha'Allah

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[Italianguy]

Well brother I will be praying for you.......oh wait......you said Muslims only to answer?.....sorry didn't mean to waist your time.

God be with you.

[Hamza Asadullah]

a little over a month ago, my wife left on a journey to Yemen to visit her sick mother. her mother, may Allah have mercy on her, passed away before my wife arrived.

i told my wife that a 3 week trip or at most 6 weeks would be alright with me, but not longer than 6 weeks, because of fitnah...

my wife was pretty distraught over her mom's passing. who wouldn't be? however, a week later she proclaimed that she really liked Yemen and that she was going to "take a break" for a while.

by the following week she decided that she was not going to return to the US. she liked Yemen too much and as we had talked about one day moving there, she said that she would just simply wait for me. she is staying with her sister.

i told that i am NOT moving to Yemen any time soon and that i never gave her permission to "move", but just to visit her dying mom. she said she might consider "coming back" IF i force her too, but other than that she said she was happy where she is and that she doesn't want to leave. further, she said that it was OK for me to get a 2nd wife while i remained in the US.

i love my wife and i want what is best for her, but i also want what is best for me and those 2 things don't seem to be compatible at the moment. i told her that my heart disease and lung disease were getting worse and it would be nice to have someone to call 911 if things bring on my next heart attack.

i am stumped. at times i am so mad that i want to divorce her, but i know her intentions aren't bad. she is happy to be in a Muslim country for the 1st time in her life, well other than Somalia. she did begin to hate it here before she left and believe it or not, SHE asked a revert sister to be my 2nd wife! my opinion on THAT sister was she needed to learn her din and then she if she could repair her 1st marriage.

any input from MUSLIMS ONLY would be appreciated.

jazakallahu khayran for sharing this sensative situation with us brother.

Firstly my brother it is clear that you are being tested due to your health and i ask Allah to reward you greatly for your patience because the best people get tested the most and Allah tests because he wants good for you and wants you close to him so you are truly blessed brother.

Secondly in regards to your wife then this is clear disobedience and she talks about being able to her adhan and the Islamic atmosphere yet she is causing the anger of Allah and disobeying her husband? On top of that you are ill as well. There is no justification for her to disobey you and remain there like that refusing to come back. Unfortunatley right now she is living in great sin.

What i would suggest to you brother is that you talk to a reliable and experienced scholar about your situation immediatley for he will give you the best possible advice and what your next steps should be.

My brother put your FULL hope, faith, trust and reliance in Allah and know that he hears you and he is there for you. He is with those who are patient.

I pray your situation is resolved and that whatever is best happens inshallah.

[syilla]

^^^ but it sounds so strict...and she just lost her mother

and she did say

she said she might consider "coming back" IF i force her too,

[جوري]

I just read your medical symptomatology in red. above (I am sorry I missed it earlier). and it doesn't matter whether you have insurance or not you need to see a doc and be put on a few meds immediately.. can you tell me if you are on meds now? pls feel free to PM if you don't want to discuss this publicly ..


May Allah swt grant you shifaa

[Snowflake]

no worries, i'm trying to figure this all out.

what is troublesome, i said to her, "if you asked your mom about what you are doing, she would be furious with you."

and she just said, "my mom is dead."

i'm thinking/hoping that there was a miscommunication there. after all, i KNOW her mom passed.

in order for for to comprehend my displeasure, i told that i wasn't going to call her for a while. she got real upset, as if to imply that i had no reason to be angry.

oh well, i didn't call her this weekend. MAYBE that will indicate my displeasure with her, In Sha'a Allah.

i wish she has access to a computer so she could explain herself more clearly and that i could spell out MY reasons and feelings.

this is hard.

JazalAllah Khayr for letting me get this off my chest.

Wa iyyak. May Allah bless you brother Yusuf and grant you good health. Ameen.


It is good that you did not hide your displeasure from your wife and leave her in any doubt about how you feel about the situation. I really don't know what to say except to be patient and make dua for your wife. Advise her with patience as her brother in Islam (not only as a husband) and remind her of her duties and obedience to you. May Allah have mercy on our sister and make her see the error of her ways, Ameen.

[جوري]

wanted to see how you are br. Yusuf, without actually prying into your business.. I hope you have at least seen a doctor before going off on pursuits to win your Mrs.

[abu salaahudeen]

your wife needs to realise that she has to obey her husband and cannot make these decisions very lightly.

You may want to consider joining her in yemen im sure its much better than usa

you have an option broother