I am new to this forum. I wanted bit of advice... i would appreciate if someone could advise me on my situation.
Recently after a few years of marriage I called for divorce. I had enough of my wife's constant disrespect and lack of due care. It's been building up for a while and even though her family has addressed her several times she continues to be swear and talk to me with disrespect.
She called her mother around at the point i called on divorce. I would like to point out that I did apologies and state divorce is not the solution. Anyway, the mother in-law came around and started talking about irrelevance stuff and was commenting on things which she knew nothing about. I corrected her and also advised her that she was a large problem in our marriage. I was quite frank and showed little regard for her by that stage she was already trying to say divorce is the only option and we were never right for each other. Hardly the case; the mother in-law has taught the wife little and respect is clearly something which is lacking in my wife. The mother in-law saw my points as attacks; my points were harsh but factual. The mother in-law proceeded to insult me and my mother (who was not present in the room) and also made a few comments about my background. In all fairness earlier in the conversation when the mother in-law was saying 'i knew this marriage was cursed from the start, there were no blessing....' blah blah blah i responded by saying something condescending to her; happy to expand if you require. I believe such witchcraft talk has no place in such a issue when husband and wife are experiencing difficulties and such idol worshipping 'cursed' talk is unacceptable - I was clearly annoyed by her pointless input.
Anyway, things between the wife and I are better but she still continues to disrespect me, i am still unhappy but she has stepped up her game with respect to taking care of me and the home and I really do appreciate this! I really do!
The issue is do i apologies to the mother in-law and leave it at that? Do i tackle the points/insults she raised or do I let it be. Personally I can not stand my mother in-law. She has a bad affect on my wife and she ends up repeating things her mother says. Personally I want to be far away from the mother in-law but i think my wife wants me to say sorry for the condescending comments I made and the way i spoke to her.
I understand it is tough to comment on a few lines and there is much more then just the above and i realise i am wrong to speak to an elder like the way I did even if they are talking such rubbish.
Sometimes people say and do things that are beyond logic and inexplicable. We have little control over their words, actions and the way they think. It's counter-productive to argue with them. Things in all likelihood will always escalate with one wrong miscalculation in the words chosen. So in my humble opinion, the best thing would be to ignore anything that doesn't sit well with you and forget about trying to 'correct' her. Be patient and keep calm. Let her have her say, unless there is truly going to be an adverse impact.
Elders don't usually take well to youngsters telling them they are wrong. There is no need to raise the chance of conflict by saying something that might not be necessary.
Silence is usually the better answer to ignorance.
I agree with Alpha Dude..... but also I would apologize to her. You did confess that you said some condescending things as well, so I would apologize for the things you may have said which were out of line and then close your mouth and hold your tongue beyond that. It is possible that she may see your apology as an open door to "discuss" things again or to bring things up...... so after the apology then just hold your tongue before things can escalate again.
Sorry to hear about all the problems in your marriage. I'll say a prayer for you that everything goes well for you.
I think I may have missed something.. all throughout I thought you'd actually gotten a divorce and were reconsidering due to a poor exchange of words.. if you are staying with your wife, then may I suggest all three of you seek a marriage counselor .. I doubt that the matter will be resolved through apologies obviously something has been festering for years and then just burst out of a place that could no longer contain it.. if you desire this marriage and a long term relationship then ignoring the problem isn't as productive as getting to the root of it.. especially when you say your wife is disrespectful .. I think mutual respect between spouses is a key cornerstone to a successful marriage or even any relationship be it your boss or mother in law etc.
and Allah swt knows best
Text without context is pretext If your opponent is of choleric temperament, seek to irritate him
Indeed, I accept that I was wrong. I am finding it really hard to even think about going there.
Her 'no wonder you ended up being like you are, having a mother that you have' comment really hurts quite badly.
From your initial post it sounds like she has said a lot of very hurtful things. This is something you will need to learn to forgive and let go of so that it doesn't continue to cause you grief and to steal your peace and joy in life. We can't control what others do or say, only what we do and say and our attitudes. Dealing with people who are difficult, unhappy, and poisonous is not an easy thing.
I agree with The Vale's Lily about if you and your wife stay together. Unless the problems are resolved then they will continue to leak poison into your marriage and steal your peace and joy. A third party (counselor) is the best way to help, but there are no guarantees. A lot of it will depend on how receptive your wife (and mother in law) are. If you are not staying together, then that is where I agree with what Alpha Dude said.
1. Their family don’t like me at all and think I am an ass
2. no wonder you turned out like you did when your mother is like so
3. You live like people did 200 years ago.
4. you should have married a Pakistani girl rather then my daughter (the wife is a British born lass with Indian roots; her mother is a ex-hindu, muslim convert but still thinks like shes a hindu at times)
5. you have no friends and have issues keeping relationships
6. She went on to say that she is not the problem and the problem is with me.
She was quite aggressive in her approach; hardly behaving like an elder should.
i understand it must be hard. on the other hand, leave aside your mother in law, if you think your wife is also a trouble maker (apparently she was/is very disrespectful) why would you want to make peace with her? and did you not already call for a divorce?
hopefully things will get better for you inshaallah.
It was totally pointless to get the Mom-in-law involved in this thing. She ought to take her daughter's side. Being a Mother, she'll find some reason to forgive her daughter's mistakes anyhow and you were bound to end up being the villain.
You don't need to worry about it so much as you're not gonna see her everyday like your wife. A simple apology as well won't hurt anyone. You should apologize to her and if she does the same to you for making such statements about your mother then you can consider it as apology accepted and error regretted.
And your wife!! Brother, this is a very common issue these days of abusive family members. There's nothing much you can do about it. In all these times, you have to be patient. At the same time, give Da'wah. I know it gets hard. I've been in your shoes and have lost my cool a lot of times as well. Ultimately, we need to follow the example of the Prophet (SallAllahu Alayhi Wasallam).
If Allah helps you, none can overcome you; and if He forsakes you, who is there after Him that can help you? And in Allah (Alone) let believers put their trust.
Surah Ale Imran : 160
It was narrated that Anas ibn Maalik (may Allaah be pleased with him) said:
The Prophet (blessings and peace of Allaah be upon him) climbed up Uhud, accompanied by Abu Bakr, ‘Umar and ‘Uthmaan, and the mountain shook with them. He struck it with his foot and said: “Stand firm, O Uhud, for there is no one on you but a Prophet or a Siddeeq or two martyrs.”
Narrated by al-Bukhaari (3483)
Allah (Subhaanahu Wa Taala) does not inspire seeking forgiveness in a slave whom he wishes to punish.
mashallah for staying with your wife. not many men would if the wife was ignorant so its good your making a go of it!
I Would really suggest counseling might be good for both of you. and i would ignore her mother, the more you talk back to her, the more she will probably poison her daughters mind against you.
i know it might be difficult to ignore this but i think staying silent is the better option. if her family is thinking bad about you. make duaa for them
always remember to recite your protective duas against the evil eye or black magic because that just might be one of the causes of your wives behaviour and Allah knows best.
Anyway, things between the wife and I are better but she still continues to disrespect me, i am still unhappy but she has stepped up her game with respect to taking care of me and the home and I really do appreciate this! I really do!
What do you think?
I think you need to think very carefully about whether you deserve her respect. All I see is an arrogant egomaniac, I'm afraid. 'Stepped up her game to take care of you' ?! ... bah...
You need a complete change of attitude if you want to save the marriage; counselling can only go so far. Sorry to be so blunt.
You need to show respect and humility in the face of your mother-in-law despite whatever she throws at you. You will be held accountable for what you say and so will she. Also, are you taking care of your wife and attending to her needs? Just a thought. Your mother-in-law's comments show a resentment that has most likely been harbouring for years, perhaps even since your marriage to your wife. I think you need everyone around the table at once and discuss everything like adults (without personal insults) and agree on a way forward.
And Allah (SWT) Knows best. All the Best Bro,
Fee Amaanillah.
‘Say: If the ocean were ink wherewith to write out the words of my Lord, sooner would the ocean be exhausted, even if We added another ocean like it.’~Al Qu'raan (18:109)
Trumble, if a wife isn't going to take care of her husband, who is - the neighbour?
To the O.P.
I don't think you need to go out of your way to apologize to your MIL. There is a risk that an apology will result in bringing up past differences which will result in another argument. In future just be polite and don't say more than what is necessary. Whether she is wrong or not, at the end of the day she is older than you and she is your MIL, and for that she deserves your respect. Moving away is a good idea and you will soon find out if things are better that way or not. Make the effort to pray and read the Quran together. Read books or listen to lectures on the muslim marriage. Allah says He rewards those who do good deeds in this duniya and the akhirah, and the prophet (saw) said, the best of amongst you are those who are best to their wives. If you both remain conscious of Allah's and each other's rights, the problems in your marriage will automatically disappear - whether you're with your mother in law or not.
format_quote Originally Posted by Scents of Jannah
Trumble, if a wife isn't going to take care of her husband, who is - the neighbour?
Erm, he could get off his backside and take care of himself perhaps? Radical thought I know. Of course, in a good marriage husband and spouse take care of each other, but it seems to me the OP isn't big on reciprocity. My apologies to him if I'm wrong.
Trumble, have you gotten rid of your ego? Every human being is an egomaniac.
Help me to escape from this existence
I yearn for an answer... can you help me?
I'm drowning in a sea of abused visions and shattered dreams
In somnolent illusion... I'm paralyzed
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