Question about marriage..

[anonymous]

Assalaam O Alaikum
I go to school with a girl that I really like, and have liked for about a year. I'm not the type of person to ever fall for somebody unless I see compatibility. I saw compatibility with her; religiously, she has the same ideals as I do, and a very similar family. We are both in medical school overseas. I started making Dua that she start caring for me as I cared for her, and very soon after, she did start seeing how we could work. Unfortunately, we moved on to having a relationship, which neither of us would normally do, because we were so serious about each other, and we were really happy together, a relationship in which we didn't go too far or commit Zina or anything, but we just had the understanding that Insha Allah we would end up together in the end. After a few months, we decided we wanted to do things the Halal way, so I approached my parents about her. I didn't want to tell them about our relationship for fear that they judge both of us and that should pull us apart. My mother always encouraged me to do things the Halal way, and still supported me, so I listened to her and stayed on track. As soon as I approached my father, though, things started getting really tough. He built a very bad impression of her, an impression that I know she doesn't fit, because I know how she is. And he convinced my mom to take away her support. I understand that he just wants the best for me as my father, and that he wants things done the proper way, so he said that I need to get my degree, and come back to the States, and work for a period of time so that I can support a family, then to approach him about marrying her (8 years is the time he gave me). Until then, I am to cut off contact with her. It seems like he is indirectly trying to get her out of my mind, which I know will not happen, because I have never been interested in anyone like this, until I saw the three main things, in order of importance in her: 1) her character, is very similar to mine, she was brought up with very similar values. She is a bit "modern" but so am I (my parents are not) but she still has a strong grasp of the Deen, in some aspects more than myself. 2) Her personality. She is very alive, interesting, and very much like me. And she is very real, not fake at all. She does and says everything that she believes in. And 3) Her looks, of course. I consider her good looking, though my parents don't agree, but to me she is the best looking girl there is.
We have had some problems between each other, but we have ALWAYS worked everything out. And these problems were really really big, they would have split anyone else apart, but once we worked them out, things became smooth and we both became very happy. The problem I am now presenting you with is huge though.
I'm just confused as to what I should do. I fear that my father is in fact trying to remove me from her, which doesn't worry me because I know that I can't forget about her and she can't forget about me, but why does everything seem to be falling apart when I want to do things the Halal way, when a Dua brought us together in the first place; do you have any advice for me?
Thank you, and Wassalaam

[*charisma*]

Assalamu alaikum

It could be that Allah is putting obstacles in your way to let you know that this girl is not right for you or right for you at this time, Allahu a'lem. Pray istikhara it might help inshallah..

Be patient with your parents, and maybe suggest that they meet her before judging her so that they may feel at ease. It isn't their fault you're more attached to the girl than they are, especially when they don't know things have progressed a little between you both..so you have to respect their choice through the perspective in which they are looking at the situation, not the way you are looking at it, especially if you can't understand why they can't see her the way you do.

fi aman Allah
w'salaam

[anonymous]

I do understand where they are coming from, but the thing is, they have built such a wrong impression of her. They think, for example, that she was trying to "trap" me the entire time, when it was me who was after her for 6 months. They think that she's "controlling" me, all these things, when she has nothing to do with our family problems at all (they're blaming their problems with me on her). I'd understand if they had any concerns that were based on fact, not pure and untrue speculation. Like today, I tried putting my hand on the Qur'an to swear to those things that I just told you, but my mother did not WANT to believe that I was telling the truth for some reason. She's happy thinking that her impression of this girl is correct, and for some reason she doesn't want to hear the truth or believe it (if I put my hand on the Qur'an she would have to believe me, and I know I'm not lying so I'm not afraid that I'm being driven to do that). I just don't understand. Nothing that they're saying is based on fact, it's just them taking bits of the whole story and putting them together how they want. They even went so far as to say that th\ey would stop paying for my education if I didn't marry a person they hand-picked. They don't understand that I have done everything they wanted my entire life, but now, I want to pick this one thing on my own (I told them this waaayyy before this girl came along too), because I will be spending the rest of my life with this person, and I'd rather it be someone of my choice who I KNOW I will be happy with. And I never thought I'd find that person, so I stayed away from girls, until she came along.

Also, how will istikhara help to show my parents the truth and sway them?

[Muslim Woman]

.. She is a bit "modern" but so am I

hmm what do u mean both of you are a ' bit modern " ?

anyway offer Istekhara salat ; if see any postive sign , then keep praying to Allah to help u . Have patiecne and dont mix with the opposite gender freely like this. It's not allowed in Islam .

[Hamza Asadullah]

Assalaam O Alaikum
I go to school with a girl that I really like, and have liked for about a year. I'm not the type of person to ever fall for somebody unless I see compatibility. I saw compatibility with her; religiously, she has the same ideals as I do, and a very similar family. We are both in medical school overseas. I started making Dua that she start caring for me as I cared for her, and very soon after, she did start seeing how we could work. Unfortunately, we moved on to having a relationship, which neither of us would normally do, because we were so serious about each other, and we were really happy together, a relationship in which we didn't go too far or commit Zina or anything, but we just had the understanding that Insha Allah we would end up together in the end. After a few months, we decided we wanted to do things the Halal way, so I approached my parents about her. I didn't want to tell them about our relationship for fear that they judge both of us and that should pull us apart. My mother always encouraged me to do things the Halal way, and still supported me, so I listened to her and stayed on track. As soon as I approached my father, though, things started getting really tough. He built a very bad impression of her, an impression that I know she doesn't fit, because I know how she is. And he convinced my mom to take away her support. I understand that he just wants the best for me as my father, and that he wants things done the proper way, so he said that I need to get my degree, and come back to the States, and work for a period of time so that I can support a family, then to approach him about marrying her (8 years is the time he gave me). Until then, I am to cut off contact with her. It seems like he is indirectly trying to get her out of my mind, which I know will not happen, because I have never been interested in anyone like this, until I saw the three main things, in order of importance in her: 1) her character, is very similar to mine, she was brought up with very similar values. She is a bit "modern" but so am I (my parents are not) but she still has a strong grasp of the Deen, in some aspects more than myself. 2) Her personality. She is very alive, interesting, and very much like me. And she is very real, not fake at all. She does and says everything that she believes in. And 3) Her looks, of course. I consider her good looking, though my parents don't agree, but to me she is the best looking girl there is.
We have had some problems between each other, but we have ALWAYS worked everything out. And these problems were really really big, they would have split anyone else apart, but once we worked them out, things became smooth and we both became very happy. The problem I am now presenting you with is huge though.
I'm just confused as to what I should do. I fear that my father is in fact trying to remove me from her, which doesn't worry me because I know that I can't forget about her and she can't forget about me, but why does everything seem to be falling apart when I want to do things the Halal way, when a Dua brought us together in the first place; do you have any advice for me?
Thank you, and Wassalaam

Asalaamu Alaikum my brother jazakallahu khayran for sharing your issue with us. Firstly we must realise that any contact with a non mahram is strictly prohibited and it is for very good reasons especially because it can lead to other things.

Therefore you should stop all contact immediatley and repent for ever being in touch with a non mahram. If you did'nt interact in the first place then you would not have felt this attached to her and if you didn't end up marrying her then you would not be as upset and would have accepted Allah's decree. Therefore you should stop all contact and repent to Allah asking of him to forgive you and make intention never to get into such a relationship again as any relationship outside of marriage is strinctly prohibited.

Also brother in regards to your parents then you should continue to honour and respect them and never let shaythan create enmity of hatred in your heart for how your parents have been towards you. They only think they are doing what is right with you. They are still worthy of your honour and respect at all times so you should never even say "uff" to them even if you disagree with them but speak to them in a low tone. it is Allah who will decide all matters and it is his commandment that we honour our parents so getting frsutrated and angry towards them will never help your situation.

If you really want to take things further then ask her to make isthikhara and then cut off all contact with her and you also do isthikhara. If your isthikhara is positive then you should e mail her to see if her maybe through her mahram if possible to see what her result is and if both of yours is positive then you should have another serious word with your parents.

If they are still not willing to budge then try and consult an elder in the family or a respected scholar in your local area for help and advice regarding your issue and whether or not they would be willing to have a talk with your parents on this matter and if they are then they can mediate matters and that is the best you can do on this matter.

Remember if this is meant to be then NO one will be able to stop you from marrying her even if the whole world got together to try to stop you two. If this is not meant to be then no matter what you do you will NEVER be able to marry her even if the whole world got together to try and stop you. So ask of Allah to do what is best for you and whatever happens will be what is best for you inshallah.

If you need anymore help or advice then please do not hesitate to ask.

And Allah knows best in all matters