Marriage and love related issue(Shafi vs Hanafi)

[nshah]

Assalamu Alaikkum,

I am not sure if this would be the best place to post this question, but I need all the help I can get before I make a decision. I am in love with this girl who belongs to shafi and I myself am Hanafi (Her parents are in search of a bride for her elder brother and they are completely ignoring Hanafi girls) But they are ready to get us married since she loves me. Moreover another issue is the family background. I am from an agriculture-based family but I have a good job (software engineer). She is from a well to do family and all her family is like well educated and in good positions. My parents never had an opportunity to go to college, but they worked hard to impart me and my sister quality education and here I am. Her parents are skeptical whether we would be able to cope with their status(i dun know if its the right word), but all this hurts me, like I feel I am belittling myself and my family. We both love each other very much, but the whole family issue, ego, shafi-Hanafi is making me worried. Will this cause a problem in the future? Please advice.

Regards,
N shah

[Salahudeen]

I don't see why it would cause problems you're not following two different religions at the end of the day are you. I think it's going to extreme refusing people cos they follow a different madhab. Like it's dividing Muslims I feel when they refuse marriage to people from different madhabs.

[- Qatada -]

Your question is if it would cause issues; It most probably could. If she is from a rich background, and you are from a poorer background. That is a problem in alot of families because you might have alot of expectations they require you to fulfill. Putting you under alot of pressure, right from the beginning.

[CosmicPathos]

Assalamu Alaikkum,

I am not sure if this would be the best place to post this question, but I need all the help I can get before I make a decision. I am in love with this girl who belongs to shafi and I myself am Hanafi (Her parents are in search of a bride for her elder brother and they are completely ignoring Hanafi girls) But they are ready to get us married since she loves me. Moreover another issue is the family background. I am from an agriculture-based family but I have a good job (software engineer). She is from a well to do family and all her family is like well educated and in good positions. My parents never had an opportunity to go to college, but they worked hard to impart me and my sister quality education and here I am. Her parents are skeptical whether we would be able to cope with their status(i dun know if its the right word), but all this hurts me, like I feel I am belittling myself and my family. We both love each other very much, but the whole family issue, ego, shafi-Hanafi is making me worried. Will this cause a problem in the future? Please advice.

Regards,
N shah

I think many scholars have said that its better if people marry into people of equivalent status, background etc. I cant quote references but Ive read some famous scholars of the past give such opinions.

You should try to look for a girl who comes from same status as your family or lower. But its not a hard and fast rule. But it does seem that her parents consider your parents to be "low," I guess you should think deep and long before marrying into such a family which wont respect your parents.

[Ummu Sufyaan]

Wa alaykum us-Salaam
if her paretns are agreeing, doesnt that mean that they have sort of accepted you?

what is the girl like? does she pray, is she pious? and you likewise, do you pray? these things are important when considering a spouse and should be considered before anything else.

what i would do is stipulate conditions if you feel that your status would be an issue. i suggest you examine first what they are like, they may not be as you are fearing. let them talk but dont let them "bully you" into anything and at the same time you must be fair aswell.

if you feel comfortable and confident that the status thing wont be a problem, then inshallah dont worry but if you feel that it may cause problems, try to reach a compromise and as i mentioned, perhas conditions are needed.

and about the mathhab thing, i dont see what the problem is?

and dont forget istikhara.

[nshah]

Wa alaykum us-Salaam
if her paretns are agreeing, doesnt that mean that they have sort of accepted you?

what is the girl like? does she pray, is she pious? and you likewise, do you pray? these things are important when considering a spouse and should be considered before anything else.

what i would do is stipulate conditions if you feel that your status would be an issue. i suggest you examine first what they are like, they may not be as you are fearing. let them talk but dont let them "bully you" into anything and at the same time you must be fair aswell.

if you feel comfortable and confident that the status thing wont be a problem, then inshallah dont worry but if you feel that it may cause problems, try to reach a compromise and as i mentioned, perhas conditions are needed.

and about the mathhab thing, i dont see what the problem is?

and dont forget istikhara.

Thanks for the reply Ummu Sufyaan. Yes they have kind of accepted. Even though they know about us, they havent refrained their daughter from talking to me or so but they havent shown any interest in talking to me or meeting me. And yes, I and she prays but we both are not ardently following, but we both have together made decisions to change and there have been tremendous changes on the religious front. But the problem is, from the moment she told about us to her parents, our talks are more confined to family backgrounds etc. and often ends in fights. Anyways she has brought a change in my life and I wish to marry her. The Madhab difference her parents are telling is the one thing I cant understand. I really get angry when she tells about it because I am pretty sure, she doesnt know what its all about except for the name and the basic school of thoughts.

Regards,
N shah

[nshah]

Thanks to everyone for the replies. I would be talking to her dad soon. Hope everything goes fine.....

[nshah]

Also, may I please ask the difference between Shafi and Hanafi? I came across a guy(Shafi) who seemingly tells everyone to pray, he himself prays 5 times a day and this same guy tells he has a few family friends who are from Hanafi and that he laughs at all the hanafi culture(the way of prayer, the food, the way they call their parents). And this guy happens to be my lover's friend. Her mind is kind of getting poisoned. I really need to know and sorry for my ignorance

Regards,
N shah

[Soulja Girl]

^You should ignore people like that if they've got nothing nice to say, seriously.. :rolleyes: He needs to learn to respect other madhaahib and other's way of life.. Don't let what he's sayin get to you.. And your girl? She shouldn't be tawkin to him in the first place.. Go on tell her to stop if you really love her..

And don't worry.. It ent ignorance..

[Hamza Asadullah]

Assalamu Alaikkum,

I am not sure if this would be the best place to post this question, but I need all the help I can get before I make a decision. I am in love with this girl who belongs to shafi and I myself am Hanafi (Her parents are in search of a bride for her elder brother and they are completely ignoring Hanafi girls) But they are ready to get us married since she loves me. Moreover another issue is the family background. I am from an agriculture-based family but I have a good job (software engineer). She is from a well to do family and all her family is like well educated and in good positions. My parents never had an opportunity to go to college, but they worked hard to impart me and my sister quality education and here I am. Her parents are skeptical whether we would be able to cope with their status(i dun know if its the right word), but all this hurts me, like I feel I am belittling myself and my family. We both love each other very much, but the whole family issue, ego, shafi-Hanafi is making me worried. Will this cause a problem in the future? Please advice.

Regards,
N shah

Asalaamu Alaikum, firstly my brother you should not be in touch with her except when she is infront of her mahrams. You say she is in love with you then what if things don't go your way and you end up breaking up then what will become of the both of you? Surely you will be scarred and terribly hurt. That is one of the reasons why relationships before marriage are not permissable because they are not a guarantee for marriage and if things dont get to marriage then it can leave one or both couples very hurt. Therefore you must stop all contact unless she is infront of mahrams and repent to Allah for ever being in touch whilst both of you were alone together whether in person or by phone. Both of you must now resolve with each other not to be in touch until marriage.

Also you should not assume that your parents and hers will not get on just because both parents come from different backgrounds. Instead of assuming you should go to her house with your parents immediatley and then discuss things with your parents. If you are happy then both of you should perform isthikhara a few times and ask of Allah to do what is best for the both of you and take things from there.

Put your trust and faith in Allah and know that whatever he decrees is the best for the both of you. If things work out and you end up marrying then that is the best for you but if thing don't work out then Allah has someone better for you.

And Allah knows best in all matters

[nshah]

Asalaamu Alaikum, firstly my brother you should not be in touch with her except when she is infront of her mahrams. You say she is in love with you then what if things don't go your way and you end up breaking up then what will become of the both of you? Surely you will be scarred and terribly hurt. That is one of the reasons why relationships before marriage are not permissable because they are not a guarantee for marriage and if things dont get to marriage then it can leave one or both couples very hurt. Therefore you must stop all contact unless she is infront of mahrams and repent to Allah for ever being in touch whilst both of you were alone together whether in person or by phone. Both of you must now resolve with each other not to be in touch until marriage.

Also you should not assume that your parents and hers will not get on just because both parents come from different backgrounds. Instead of assuming you should go to her house with your parents immediatley and then discuss things with your parents. If you are happy then both of you should perform isthikhara a few times and ask of Allah to do what is best for the both of you and take things from there.

Put your trust and faith in Allah and know that whatever he decrees is the best for the both of you. If things work out and you end up marrying then that is the best for you but if thing don't work out then Allah has someone better for you.

And Allah knows best in all matters

I have a question here. She has been very supportive, very understanding and every good change in me is because of her and we do not talk or perform sin when we are alone or we talk on the phone. Is talking to someone whom we love or intend to marry in a righteous way considered as sin, also our parents are aware of our relationship. Would it be wrong of me if I take a liberal stand on the same? After coming here, i hold great respect for the brothers and sisters who help people like me here. I cant help but wonder about how much knowledge is out there, out here. I apologise if anything i utter sounds offensive, because that is certainly not what my heart means.

Regards,
N shah

[Hamza Asadullah]

I have a question here. She has been very supportive, very understanding and every good change in me is because of her and we do not talk or perform sin when we are alone or we talk on the phone. Is talking to someone whom we love or intend to marry in a righteous way considered as sin, also our parents are aware of our relationship. Would it be wrong of me if I take a liberal stand on the same? After coming here, i hold great respect for the brothers and sisters who help people like me here. I cant help but wonder about how much knowledge is out there, out here. I apologise if anything i utter sounds offensive, because that is certainly not what my heart means.

Regards,
N shah

Asalaamu Alaikum, One Scholar said:

It is important to remember the teaching and basis of Islam. Islam is neither too lenient in matters nor is it too strict; it is free from both extremes and therefore adopts the "middle" path.

A great importance has been placed on marriage in Islam. Therefore, Shari'ah allows the proposed partners to look at each other and talk to one another, but this has its boundaries and extent. One cannot communicate with the proposed partner outside the boundaries set by Shari'ah.

Hadhrat Umar Radhiallahu Anhu related that Rasulullah said: “Whenever a man is alone with a woman the Shaytan makes a third” (Tirmidhi).

Sayidina Ibn Abbas (radiAllahu anh) narrates that he heard Rasulullah (sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam) saying, “It is not permissible for a man to be alone with a woman... [Volume 4, Book 52, Number 250: Imaam Bukhari]

Also, Hadhrat Ibn Abbas Radhiallahu Anhu related that Rasulullah said: “Not one of you should meet a woman alone unless she is accompanied by a relative within the prohibited degrees” (Bukhari, Muslim).

Ibn Juraij (radiAllahu anh) narrated that ‘no person should be alone with a woman except when there is a mahram with her.’ [Book 007, Number 3112 Imaam Muslim]
Talking to one's proposed partner is also allowed in Islam providing her mahrams are present at all times. This is to ensure that we know the nature and character of the person we are proposing to marry. However, as with all matters, there are guidelines and limitations:

The talk should contain no essence of flirtatious speech of a sexual nature. The purpose of talking is to get to know one another, and to achieve this shame and modesty should not be forgotten.

Topics discussed can include each other’s interests, financial situation of the man, who is Islamically responsible for providing for his wife and children, and the two potential spouses’ relationship with their parents. Or any other topic that concerns them regards to their marriage.

Furthermore, it should be noted that talking should not be just for the sake of talking. The purpose is to assure that the proposed spouse is compatible with the person. Thus, if is known that the person is not compatible then the conversation should not drag on for the sake of talking.

In conclusion, whilst taking all the above into account, it should be clear that it is not religiously correct for a person to keep in contact with the proposed spouse through any means, be it text messaging, e-mailing or any form of communication, even if it means no free-mixing.

The proposed partner is a non-Mahram and therefore no contact is allowed in Islam except for the purpose of Nikaah. And for this need there are rules and boundaries as mentioned.

End

So my brother i am sure that there is no more need for you and her to drag on your conversations with each other as you are both sure that you want to marry each other so therefore you must go to her house with your parents as soon as is possible and waste no time in doing so.

As mentioned above with regards to the guidelines and limits which shariah has set then you should not be in touch with her without her mahrams present and you should also speed up the process of going to her house with your parents as there is no more need to "get to know her" anymore as you are both sure that you want to proceed to marriage.

After your parents have met then you and her should discuss the matter with your parents and then do isthikhara a few times and take things from there. Whatever is best for the both of you will happen inshallah.

And Allah knows best in all matters