I have been married to my husband almost three years. We have a beautiful son, who is 18 months right now. But life is far from perfect. Things have been going downhill since my son was born. My husband has no work ethic and on a good week works 3 or 4 days. I havent worked because I take care of the baby, plus I am in college. Bills are going unpaid, creditors call our house all the time. We are on public assistance, but soon they are taking us off.
My husband insists on managing all household finances, but does so in a very irresponsible manner. For the past couple months Ive been struggling to find a job to support us. But its hard to find a decent one because im only 21 and have hardly any work experience. Plus it would have to be a night job because I have to watch my son and go to school in the day.
Of course I try to talk to my husband about all of this... but he gets so angry and totally tunes me out. Although hes a lot older than me, he acts so childish. He just sits there with a big puss on his face and wont respond to anything I say. Simple communication doesnt exsist between us like it does for other couples. Sometimes he can be so cold. I feel unappreciated, like I dont exsist or something. He doesnt understand me, or my needs.
I try to ignore all this stuff.. hoping that things will change someday.. but they keep getting worse. and now im so depressed I dont even want to get out of bed. I cant sleep, I hardly eat. I feel like I have aged 20 years.
What should I do? Is divorce an option in this situation? I just cant imagine living like this forever.
May Allaah ease your affairs in this life and the next sister. ameen.
I don't think any of us can give you a ruling on this since it's an issue which should be referred to the scholars.
So i hope you can check these links out to see what rights the husband has over his wife and what rights she has over him, and maybe you'll find an answer related to your situation insha Allaah:
We will keep you in our prayers sister, and remember that Allaah is on your side no matter what.. And He will provide you from ways you never expected so long as you continue placing your trust in Him.
وعليكم السلام ورحمة الله وبركاته Wa'alaikum as’salaam wa rahmatullaah wa Barakaatuh
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Inshallah you should have someone else get involved, esp. since he has temper problem and doesn't listen. Getting his or your parents or both involved helps as they can talk to him and smack some reality back into him. Also, you can look into islamic marriage counseling as well and see if they can advise him to get his life straight. Lastly, you should talk to imaam if you have any divorce issues and see what your options are. Some imaams may tell you to hang in there and have patience while others may give you options and tell you give some time if it works then give him the ultimatem and look into other options.
Also, you can look at www.islamqa.com and see if someone has asked a simliar question and what the sheikh there has said.
May Allah make things easy on you, guide your husband and bless you with what is best for you inshallah.
Selam aleykum sister
It seems you're indeed in a very though position with little options. May Allah subhana wa ta'ala make things easier for you inshaAllah. First of all, your husband should get his act together, upon marrying you he took responsibility for you financially and any child that you two should have. So the behavior you describe seems irresponsible. You mind if I ask what kind of job your husband has? Is he working for an employer or on his own? Maybe he works this little because there is no work available?
Well be that as it may, I guess the real problem is to communicate. Perhaps you could consider someone else to speak on your behalf, someone who he respect, like an older brother of his? Or would he then be angry for discussing your affairs with outsiders? I guess that depends on your husbands personality, and perhaps on the diplomacy used by person speaking on your behalf.
If that is not an option, or doesn't work, maybe you need to consider how much the relationship means to you. For example, are you willing to drop school for your marriage and child sake? It seems like a though call, and we really can't take this decision for you, since both an education as your marriage seem important, so maybe there is another way out were you can keep both? As for divorce, I can understand why you feel tempted towards that choice given the difficulties your facing and given the bad communication. But that doesn't seem to help your situation now is it? If anything, I would say divorcing your husband would give you even more financial problems, and would make attending class and caring for your child even harder.
Maybe you should try a different approach to communicating. Instead of complaining to your husband with the risk of him being annoyed and turning you down, you could instead search for his mental support. So maybe if you aproach him asking for his help, saying that you can't sleep, and feel bad, that way maybe he'll have less problems discussing this. Try to avoid asking him to justify himself and focus on finding a solution during your conversation. May Allah subhana wa ta'ala make it easy for you.
Asslamu alaikum sis,
Im really sad to hear about you difficultis and hardships that you are going through, may Allah swt ease your anxiety and pain, inshAllah. but sis try notto be depressed that is NOT the ideal position to be when you are going through tough situations, sis try to take your mind of things, try to listen to your husband, ignoring him is not the answer it will only make your situation worse, unfrotunately men can be like that, hence forth you need to focus on yourself first and your health/wellbeing. And try not to neglect your husband even though the lack of basic communication, inshAllah you both need to expand and make a stronger connection, try sitting down talking one-to-one or if that doesnt work, try family concelling? try and get help from friends, and sis i know that you hve mentioned divorce, but please be careful and think before you make up your mind, divorce can be a painful process which has to be thought over ALOT before it is carried out. And also since you have mentioned that you are currently depressed, divorce maybe a tricky decision to make, also in the sight of Allah divorce is an act which He dislikes, therefore should be a last resort. May Allah (swt) strengthen your imaan, and provide you ease and comfort through all that has happened and all that is yet to come, inshAllah ameen.
take care my sister
wasalaamx
i sympathise with you sister but i do not know the whole scenario.
however in all honesty your situation doesnt sound so bad, lets not forget there are couples who have to deal with abuse/slander/backchapt/family abuse etc etc and it gets far worse. you've got it quite good, so i say persevere and ask for Allahs help.
wish you the best
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My tears testify that i have a heart
yet i feel me and shaytan never part
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^ I feel for the sis. Her situation might seem better than others but mental abuse and neglect is just as bad as physical violence. Perhaps worse in the sense that nobody else can see it.
Please seek the assistance of a helpful imaam who makes a real effort to explain to you husband his duties and your rights. If solid islamic advice doesn't bring a change in your husband's attitude then I don't know what will. May Allah give him hidayah. Hopefully the imaan can out the fear of Allah in your husband's heart. Please do something about it quick before your depression gets worse. May Allah subhana wa ta'ala ease you difficulties. Ameen.
Thank you to all that replied. It feels good to get an outside perspective. To answer what some people suggested:
I practically begged him to see an Islamic marriage counselor, but he refused.
I dont know of an Imaam that can help us (I'm new to Islam and I dont know anyone in the community) and even if I found one my husband probably wouldnt agree with it. I just get the feeling that bringing in any outside help would anger him.
As for work... right now hes doing odd-jobs and stuff. Hes on disability, and wants to keep the measily check he gets every month.. so he wont get a real job. (funny, hes on disability for his back but he does mostly constuction-type work) Theres plenty of work for him to do. Its just a matter of him showing up or not.
Thank you for your Dua's. I'll try to hang in there
I feel for you sis, may Allah ta'ala make things easier for you and bless your family ameen.
The impression I am getting is that your husband is workshy. First of all, does he have any legitimate claim to disability or is he a fraud? Has he been a long time on disability? He may be unsure of his ability to support his family without that check coming in every week and that is why he is unwilling to give it up? Is he depressed, because in some men this will manifest itself in stubborness and aggression rather than looking sad and asking for your emotional support. in this case your criticisms, or requesting to bring in outside mediators, would actually make things worse by making him even more defensive.
I know things are tough for you sis but there must have been some good reasons for you to marry this man, some good qualities that he has? try not to forget those reasons now that things are hard and your marriage feels a bit rocky.
the birth of a child can put a strain on a marriage especially where the wife has been working and now needs to give that up and rely on the support of the husband. sometimes converts don't give that much priority to finding a husband with a good job, but it is important that the husband at least accepts his responsibility to provide for his family no matter how hard he has to work to do this.
It is possible for you as a couple to get through this and to end up with a strong and happy marriage. You do sound quite depressed yourself at the moment sis, and as someone who has always been prone to depression I would say first of all to do as much extra prayer as you can and make lots of duaa, depend upon the mercy of Allah ta'ala and ask him to improve your situation.
I dont know of an Imaam that can help us (I'm new to Islam and I dont know anyone in the community) and even if I found one my husband probably wouldnt agree with it. I just get the feeling that bringing in any outside help would anger him.
Fi aman illah
I understand, involving a third party may anger your husband, but your intention is good and for the sake of betterment you should seek help. After all, how much worse could things get?
Do you have a mosque near you? Perhaps you can ring up and ask the imaan to visit when your husband is at home? His visit might be the wake up call your husband needs. I hope everything works out for you both inshaAllah. Keep strong sis, either way you can get through this. Have faith in Allah subhana wa ta'ala.
Please recite surah Al-Fatiha 41 times and make duaa for your husband.
The Prophet (PBUH) said: "Whosoever desires that Allah answers his duas in unfavorable and difficult conditions, he should make plentiful dua in days of ease and comfort." Also he said: "The person who does not ask from Allah, Allah becomes angry with him."
I feel for you sis, may Allah ta'ala make things easier for you and bless your family ameen.
The impression I am getting is that your husband is workshy. First of all, does he have any legitimate claim to disability or is he a fraud? Has he been a long time on disability? He may be unsure of his ability to support his family without that check coming in every week and that is why he is unwilling to give it up? Is he depressed, because in some men this will manifest itself in stubborness and aggression rather than looking sad and asking for your emotional support. in this case your criticisms, or requesting to bring in outside mediators, would actually make things worse by making him even more defensive.
I know things are tough for you sis but there must have been some good reasons for you to marry this man, some good qualities that he has? try not to forget those reasons now that things are hard and your marriage feels a bit rocky.
the birth of a child can put a strain on a marriage especially where the wife has been working and now needs to give that up and rely on the support of the husband. sometimes converts don't give that much priority to finding a husband with a good job, but it is important that the husband at least accepts his responsibility to provide for his family no matter how hard he has to work to do this.
It is possible for you as a couple to get through this and to end up with a strong and happy marriage. You do sound quite depressed yourself at the moment sis, and as someone who has always been prone to depression I would say first of all to do as much extra prayer as you can and make lots of duaa, depend upon the mercy of Allah ta'ala and ask him to improve your situation.
Asalaamu Alaikum,
He had an injury on the job about 8 years ago, so I guess its a legitimate disability. The thing is that its not really bad enough to stop him from working. Right now (when he does work) he does construction type stuff.. and I am sure he is capable of doing most other kinds of work out there.
I think he might have a depression problem. I know he doesnt feel too good about himself. Ive tried many times to intervene and help him. Ive told him if hes feeling bad he should see a doctor, I would even go with him. He denies it and says everything is fine, but I can tell his self-esteem is very low. Hes also immature when it comes to most things. I am a lot younger than him (13 years) but most of the time I have to step up and be the adult in the house.
As for our marriage history... I hardly even knew him before we decided to get married. I was going through a very hard time in my life and I pretty much decided to stick with the first guy who showed me attention. I dont want to get into too much detail though.
For now I am just trying to ignore everything... block out everything... hang on just a bit longer. I try to act like its all in my head. Im on anti-anxiety medications which I have increased, and that helps to numb everything. It seems when I dont bring up problems my husband treats me 1000% better.
I should keep up my prayers in hopes that things will change. But sometimes now adays I dont even feel like praying...
I understand, involving a third party may anger your husband, but your intention is good and for the sake of betterment you should seek help. After all, how much worse could things get?
Do you have a mosque near you? Perhaps you can ring up and ask the imaan to visit when your husband is at home? His visit might be the wake up call your husband needs. I hope everything works out for you both inshaAllah. Keep strong sis, either way you can get through this. Have faith in Allah subhana wa ta'ala.
Please recite surah Al-Fatiha 41 times and make duaa for your husband.
The Prophet (PBUH) said: "Whosoever desires that Allah answers his duas in unfavorable and difficult conditions, he should make plentiful dua in days of ease and comfort." Also he said: "The person who does not ask from Allah, Allah becomes angry with him."
Asalaamu Alaikum,
Ive never even been to a Masjid. Ive been dying to go to one. My husband wont take me plus he never goes to his. I am so afraid to go by myself and I wish I knew some more sisters in my community.
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